flies solo, wants to ride tandem
April 7, 2010 6:19 PM Subscribe
an orgasm is something that happens when i'm alone.
I have been masturbating the same (one) way for over 25 years. I get off that way almost without fail, usually in less than a minute. However, I have been sexually active for 16 years, primarily with male partners, and I have had exactly 2 orgasms with another person during that time.
I've given up 'trying' to come during sex in favor of shifting my focus to staying present and just enjoying the process, but I have to admit that I feel like I'm missing out on the joke that everyone else is in on.
Cunnilingus is a pleasant enough experience but it doesn't work me up. Manual stimulation combined with vaginal intercourse does nothing. I've tried many, many positions and a pretty broad spectrum of variables and it's all more or less the same.
The first time I came during sex was when I was 19, with an older boyfriend (33) who was remarkably well-endowed. The 2nd time happened with a recent ex (also well-endowed) while I was so altered (stoned/tipsy) that I didn't even realize it had happened until he told me where the wet spot came from.
Now I am deeply in love with a man with whom I am planning a wedding, and he is a little sexually bashful (which I have found I appreciate after a lifetime spent feeling like I was being chased around a desk like some unfortunate Tex Avery heroine) and I am at an unhelpful loss to tell him where to go and what to do when he gamely asks.
Please help me shake things up and get in on the joke.
(Also probably very relevant - history of suicidal depression & substance abuse [primarily alcohol]. Pervasive, persistent feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy in all areas. No sexual abuse/trauma background. I am not trying to be flippant about these issues; I am dealing with them in my way and in my time, but I don't believe they should completely inhibit my ability to orgasm in the meantime.)
I have been masturbating the same (one) way for over 25 years. I get off that way almost without fail, usually in less than a minute. However, I have been sexually active for 16 years, primarily with male partners, and I have had exactly 2 orgasms with another person during that time.
I've given up 'trying' to come during sex in favor of shifting my focus to staying present and just enjoying the process, but I have to admit that I feel like I'm missing out on the joke that everyone else is in on.
Cunnilingus is a pleasant enough experience but it doesn't work me up. Manual stimulation combined with vaginal intercourse does nothing. I've tried many, many positions and a pretty broad spectrum of variables and it's all more or less the same.
The first time I came during sex was when I was 19, with an older boyfriend (33) who was remarkably well-endowed. The 2nd time happened with a recent ex (also well-endowed) while I was so altered (stoned/tipsy) that I didn't even realize it had happened until he told me where the wet spot came from.
Now I am deeply in love with a man with whom I am planning a wedding, and he is a little sexually bashful (which I have found I appreciate after a lifetime spent feeling like I was being chased around a desk like some unfortunate Tex Avery heroine) and I am at an unhelpful loss to tell him where to go and what to do when he gamely asks.
Please help me shake things up and get in on the joke.
(Also probably very relevant - history of suicidal depression & substance abuse [primarily alcohol]. Pervasive, persistent feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy in all areas. No sexual abuse/trauma background. I am not trying to be flippant about these issues; I am dealing with them in my way and in my time, but I don't believe they should completely inhibit my ability to orgasm in the meantime.)
How do you masturbate yourself? Figuring out how to replicate what works when you're alone when you're with a partner seems like the obvious route to o-town.
posted by shaun uh at 6:25 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by shaun uh at 6:25 PM on April 7, 2010
(Also - have you tried masturbating while you're with your partner? At the very least, you get to orgasm too, and at the best, it gives you both a ton of ideas about new things to do together to help you get off.)
posted by shaun uh at 6:27 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by shaun uh at 6:27 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Have your partner naseterbate you - eventually it will happen!
posted by xammerboy at 6:29 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 6:29 PM on April 7, 2010
Yeah, you don't tell us how exactly you are able to get yourself off consistently when you masturbate. Have you tried replicating this, but with your SO present? If you can do this without any problems, I would say continue this process, but with him playing a more and more "hands on" role each time--such as kissing/touching/fondling/massaging/biting/_____ing you here or here or here as you masturbate so that a)he is involved in helping you achieve orgasm (at least in an indirect way at first) and b)he can watch and learn.
What if you've tried masturbating with your SO present, but can't get off? There was an old Savage Love column that dealt with this, so allow me to paraphrase: gag, blindfold and cover your SO's ears, as well as blindfold and cover your own ears. Masturbate as usual. Repeat. As you slowly start to become more comfortable, take out your ear plugs for a session, and then next move onto removing your blindfold. Do the same with your SO until you can comfortably masturbate and achieve orgasm with him present.
These are just some ideas. It's clear from what you have said that you are orgasmic, AND capable of achieving orgasm with a partner, but you might need to rethink what it means to have an orgasm with someone else.
posted by gumtree at 6:48 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
What if you've tried masturbating with your SO present, but can't get off? There was an old Savage Love column that dealt with this, so allow me to paraphrase: gag, blindfold and cover your SO's ears, as well as blindfold and cover your own ears. Masturbate as usual. Repeat. As you slowly start to become more comfortable, take out your ear plugs for a session, and then next move onto removing your blindfold. Do the same with your SO until you can comfortably masturbate and achieve orgasm with him present.
These are just some ideas. It's clear from what you have said that you are orgasmic, AND capable of achieving orgasm with a partner, but you might need to rethink what it means to have an orgasm with someone else.
posted by gumtree at 6:48 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have rarely come with a partner from the partner stimulating me, either. It made my sex life tremendously better when I met my current partner 17 years ago and he taught me that it is actually OK to touch yourself during sex with another person. This cooperative approach is how I have mind-blowing orgasms with my sweetie.
posted by not that girl at 6:58 PM on April 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by not that girl at 6:58 PM on April 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
Have your partner masturbate you - eventually it will happen!
oh boy - in my experience this is very much not true. it's close to true, but still far off of it.
gumtree is right on - you masturbate, he does the sexy thing you like, repeat until when you get off alone you start thinking "man, i wish he was here to do [sexy thing]!"
as others have said, how you get off now is important to this discussion - but this is what worked for me. i masturbate, he puts his hand over mine so he can feel the rhythm and motion. sometimes i'll put my hand on his and i'll steer him. if you're doing the you steer him thing, take your hand off of his mid-orgasm.
do enough of that type of work and you'll learn more organic ways to slip it into your sex life.
posted by nadawi at 7:16 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
oh boy - in my experience this is very much not true. it's close to true, but still far off of it.
gumtree is right on - you masturbate, he does the sexy thing you like, repeat until when you get off alone you start thinking "man, i wish he was here to do [sexy thing]!"
as others have said, how you get off now is important to this discussion - but this is what worked for me. i masturbate, he puts his hand over mine so he can feel the rhythm and motion. sometimes i'll put my hand on his and i'll steer him. if you're doing the you steer him thing, take your hand off of his mid-orgasm.
do enough of that type of work and you'll learn more organic ways to slip it into your sex life.
posted by nadawi at 7:16 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
One of your partnered orgasms occurred with a well-endowed partner, and the other partnered orgasm produced a wet spot. This leads me to think you may be a person who is more responsive to g-spot stimulation than to clitoral stimulation, and you might want to investigate this possibility further. There are many good books and websites out there with a ton of info.
I almost always need g-spot stimulation along with clitoral to get off with a partner. My husband could lick my clit until his tongue cramped up and fell off, and while it would feel nice, I'm not going to come unless he sticks a couple of fingers inside me and works some g-spot magic along with the oral.
I would suggest having your partner try stimulating your g-spot with his fingers or a curved toy, while you play with your clit in whatever way you like (assuming that's how you get yourself off.) Also experiment with different sex positions... some are more g-spot intensive than others.
Another thing to try would be to use a vibrator on your clit while he penetrates you in various positions. Girl-on-top with his dick stimulating your g-spot and a little vibe placed in just the right spot to buzz your clit may be just the thing to get you to your OMG moment.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:18 PM on April 7, 2010
I almost always need g-spot stimulation along with clitoral to get off with a partner. My husband could lick my clit until his tongue cramped up and fell off, and while it would feel nice, I'm not going to come unless he sticks a couple of fingers inside me and works some g-spot magic along with the oral.
I would suggest having your partner try stimulating your g-spot with his fingers or a curved toy, while you play with your clit in whatever way you like (assuming that's how you get yourself off.) Also experiment with different sex positions... some are more g-spot intensive than others.
Another thing to try would be to use a vibrator on your clit while he penetrates you in various positions. Girl-on-top with his dick stimulating your g-spot and a little vibe placed in just the right spot to buzz your clit may be just the thing to get you to your OMG moment.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:18 PM on April 7, 2010
1. If you have access to a regular doctor or OB/GYN, maybe schedule a checkup just to make sure all systems are go physically.
2. It's unclear from your question, so forgive me if I'm wrong: if you're currently using alcohol, that can inhibit your ability to orgasm. If possible, schedule sexy times for when you haven't been drinking, or have been drinking less. Of course, depression can also severely inhibit orgasm, but abstaining from alcohol can be a quicker fix than curing depression.
3. Experiment with your masturbation. Can you hold off on orgasm for several minutes or more? Do sex toys help? Do you use pornography? Experimentation may help you discover new things that get you off that you can use with your partner.
4. Try going without masturbating for a week or two or three. Maybe you will build up some sexual energy that will make it easier for you to orgasm with your partner (this is in no way scientifically based information, just speculation). If your partner is willing, perhaps try going without sex for a week or two, with the same idea of building up tension to make sex more explosive.
These are just some suggestions from someone who also struggles with depression and its sex-related issues--hope you find something helpful. You're really lucky to have found love with a kind, giving partner. That's a great foundation from which to build a satisfying sex life!
posted by Fui Non Sum at 7:22 PM on April 7, 2010
2. It's unclear from your question, so forgive me if I'm wrong: if you're currently using alcohol, that can inhibit your ability to orgasm. If possible, schedule sexy times for when you haven't been drinking, or have been drinking less. Of course, depression can also severely inhibit orgasm, but abstaining from alcohol can be a quicker fix than curing depression.
3. Experiment with your masturbation. Can you hold off on orgasm for several minutes or more? Do sex toys help? Do you use pornography? Experimentation may help you discover new things that get you off that you can use with your partner.
4. Try going without masturbating for a week or two or three. Maybe you will build up some sexual energy that will make it easier for you to orgasm with your partner (this is in no way scientifically based information, just speculation). If your partner is willing, perhaps try going without sex for a week or two, with the same idea of building up tension to make sex more explosive.
These are just some suggestions from someone who also struggles with depression and its sex-related issues--hope you find something helpful. You're really lucky to have found love with a kind, giving partner. That's a great foundation from which to build a satisfying sex life!
posted by Fui Non Sum at 7:22 PM on April 7, 2010
Just masturbate with your partner. This will give him an idea of what works for you. Also, it's fun!
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 7:56 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 7:56 PM on April 7, 2010
I've given up 'trying' to come during sex in favor of shifting my focus to staying present and just enjoying the process, but I have to admit that I feel like I'm missing out on the joke that everyone else is in on.
Don't assume that the "sex" you're talking about should be a certain way. Redefine what "sex" means to you and your partner. As others have said, masturbate with your partner, have him do it to you, and you can reciprocate in whatever way he likes.
SEX DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN PENIS-GOES-IN-VAGINA.
Sorry for the crudity, but so many people get unconsciously hung up on not having sex the "right" way, but the "right" way may be the wrong way for you. And obviously it is, because you can't get off. Maybe you'll only ever get off by masturbating/being masturbated, but that's fine. If you're both happy with your technique(s), then you'll have no problem to deal with.
posted by zardoz at 9:10 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't assume that the "sex" you're talking about should be a certain way. Redefine what "sex" means to you and your partner. As others have said, masturbate with your partner, have him do it to you, and you can reciprocate in whatever way he likes.
SEX DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN PENIS-GOES-IN-VAGINA.
Sorry for the crudity, but so many people get unconsciously hung up on not having sex the "right" way, but the "right" way may be the wrong way for you. And obviously it is, because you can't get off. Maybe you'll only ever get off by masturbating/being masturbated, but that's fine. If you're both happy with your technique(s), then you'll have no problem to deal with.
posted by zardoz at 9:10 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
ADD/ADHD can sometimes cause this. Your mind is so busy racing around thinking about other things ("Am I going to orgasm?" "Will I be able to before he's done?") that you can't focus on the physical sensations. So if you have any suspicions that you might have ADD/ADHD, you might get checked for that.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:54 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:54 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
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