Why don't good looking guys my age hit on me, but groups of 14 year olds will?
March 20, 2010 1:47 PM Subscribe
Do really good looking guys ever ask for the numbers of women they don't know?
I am a female in my 20s. Dozens of men have asked for my number over the years. But these men are almost never attractive.
The largest group of men that I don't know who ask for my number or try to get me to talk to them in public are homeless men and men with mental problems. The second largest group of men that hits on me are men who are 20 to 80 years older than I am. The third largest group are gangsters, or wannabe gangsters. The fourth largest group are guys with really bad social skills, who I think hit on me because I am very friendly and therefore the only woman they usually ever talk to. Many men who seem to think I'm attractive fall into more than one of these groups.
It's rare that even an average guy will ask for my number. And I've only had a really good looking guy try to get it around 5 times in my life. And all of them turned out to be players who hit on everyone. So I wonder. Do really good looking guys who are not just players ever ask for women's numbers? I mean women they don't know, in any situation like a party, a class, the subway, or on the street. I know that good looking is subjective. However you define that physically is fine.
It doesn't have to be just asking for her number. Any instance of seeing a stranger in public and trying to start off something romantic with her would work.
I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's just me. I'm not gorgeous, but maybe I am uglier than I thought? I also wonder if things would change if I lost weight. I don't plan to, but if you have lost weight yourself, starting from an average weight, do you think it would be different if I went from 145 pounds where I am now, to 115?
I am a female in my 20s. Dozens of men have asked for my number over the years. But these men are almost never attractive.
The largest group of men that I don't know who ask for my number or try to get me to talk to them in public are homeless men and men with mental problems. The second largest group of men that hits on me are men who are 20 to 80 years older than I am. The third largest group are gangsters, or wannabe gangsters. The fourth largest group are guys with really bad social skills, who I think hit on me because I am very friendly and therefore the only woman they usually ever talk to. Many men who seem to think I'm attractive fall into more than one of these groups.
It's rare that even an average guy will ask for my number. And I've only had a really good looking guy try to get it around 5 times in my life. And all of them turned out to be players who hit on everyone. So I wonder. Do really good looking guys who are not just players ever ask for women's numbers? I mean women they don't know, in any situation like a party, a class, the subway, or on the street. I know that good looking is subjective. However you define that physically is fine.
It doesn't have to be just asking for her number. Any instance of seeing a stranger in public and trying to start off something romantic with her would work.
I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's just me. I'm not gorgeous, but maybe I am uglier than I thought? I also wonder if things would change if I lost weight. I don't plan to, but if you have lost weight yourself, starting from an average weight, do you think it would be different if I went from 145 pounds where I am now, to 115?
I think that the answer to this is no, except in very special circumstances, because if an attractive man does ask for girls phone numbers, then he is a player. It's like asking, Do any girls who are not sluts sleep on the first date?
posted by rebent at 2:01 PM on March 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rebent at 2:01 PM on March 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes we do, but this is not something that needs a lot of bean-plating: you see someone you like, go talk to them.
posted by Dr Dracator at 2:01 PM on March 20, 2010
posted by Dr Dracator at 2:01 PM on March 20, 2010
I find myself constantly telling my single girl friends this, but the guys who would be good to them are also the type of guys who are too shy to ask them out. But maybe that is just because I am also a shy guy.
Either way, I am interested to see what other people will say about this.
posted by rebent at 2:03 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Either way, I am interested to see what other people will say about this.
posted by rebent at 2:03 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
What koeselitz said. You see a guy that looks good, smile and say hello. Nice guys don't tend to walk up to strange women and ask for a number because they don't want to be perceived as creepy. This is a good thing, and it has nothing to do with your weight.
posted by Go Banana at 2:05 PM on March 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by Go Banana at 2:05 PM on March 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
You may also be interested in the Cockeyed.com photographic height/weight chart, which shows that many people in your weight range are just as attractive as the people in the 115 weight range
posted by rebent at 2:07 PM on March 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by rebent at 2:07 PM on March 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
It sounds like a lot of the men around you are not the most desirable. I'm not sure where you're spending your discretionary time, but you may consider some changes. Do some charity work for an organization you admire; join an activity-based club for something you like to do.
posted by Doohickie at 2:08 PM on March 20, 2010
posted by Doohickie at 2:08 PM on March 20, 2010
As a certified "really good looking guy"* I can attest: it depends on the guy, the girl, and the situation.
*Said to me last night by a (female) friend.
You are looking for a universal rule to assuage some insecurity of yours; there are no universal rules about male-female relationships.
posted by dfriedman at 2:08 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
*Said to me last night by a (female) friend.
You are looking for a universal rule to assuage some insecurity of yours; there are no universal rules about male-female relationships.
posted by dfriedman at 2:08 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
There are exceptions to this, but, in general, players approach strangers. The rest of us get to know people before we instigate a romance. So, it doesn't surprise me that everyone who approaches you is either someone you're not interested in or a player.
posted by grumblebee at 2:10 PM on March 20, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by grumblebee at 2:10 PM on March 20, 2010 [11 favorites]
Losing weight will not change this. I am a size 3 and like you, am a veritable magnet for homeless men, much-older men, wannabe-gangsters, and men with poor social skills.
you see someone you like, go talk to them
This.
Nice guys don't tend to walk up to strange women and ask for a number because they don't want to be perceived as creepy
And this, times a thousand. The kind of men that you and I attract don't care very much whether anyone finds them creepy or not.
posted by corey flood at 2:11 PM on March 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
you see someone you like, go talk to them
This.
Nice guys don't tend to walk up to strange women and ask for a number because they don't want to be perceived as creepy
And this, times a thousand. The kind of men that you and I attract don't care very much whether anyone finds them creepy or not.
posted by corey flood at 2:11 PM on March 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
I wouldn't get too obsessed about whether it's your looks. Some guys are shy, some guys might think you would find them creepy if they came right over and asked for your number. If you're talking to someone and you find them attractive, if things seem to be going well, see if they're going to be at the same bar/coffee shop another time and say you hope you'll see them next time. I find that things that are worth it take time.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 2:15 PM on March 20, 2010
posted by Wuggie Norple at 2:15 PM on March 20, 2010
It's not just you, you're not uglier than you thought, and it has nothing to do with your weight, believe me.
It's been my experience that the men who are actually worth dating, good looking or not, have no need or desire to randomly hit on strangers. They've got a thing called standards, usually beyond the order of "female, has pulse." Decent men usually need to know something of substance about a woman before their interests are piqued, therefore they don't do this. They just don't. Not because you aren't "gorgeous" enough, but because it doesn't make any sense for them to.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:15 PM on March 20, 2010 [23 favorites]
It's been my experience that the men who are actually worth dating, good looking or not, have no need or desire to randomly hit on strangers. They've got a thing called standards, usually beyond the order of "female, has pulse." Decent men usually need to know something of substance about a woman before their interests are piqued, therefore they don't do this. They just don't. Not because you aren't "gorgeous" enough, but because it doesn't make any sense for them to.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:15 PM on March 20, 2010 [23 favorites]
I met the guy I most recently dated at a bar. I was playing scrabble with the bartender (slow day) and he sat next to me and started chatting. He couldn't stay long, but wanted to keep in contact with me, so he gave me his number. I think the difference is vital. I probably wouldn't have given him my number, but by giving me his, he put the ball in my court.
posted by mollymayhem at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by mollymayhem at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Couple of things might be going on here...
It seems that you are switching between 'good-looking guys' and 'attractive men'. Going by your categorical assessments of the dozens of men who've hit on you, you've lumped them into groups, not based on physical looks, but attractiveness in terms of security (homeless or mental capability), age, social stereotypes (gangsters or wannabes), or social skills. Are we to assume that none of the men in these categories were physically attractive? Or is it that you're asking, "Why aren't desirable men asking me for my number?"
Either way, on both accounts I would get clear about what 'good-looking' and 'attractive' means to you. Also, the meaning of 'average'. Is it that none of the men who where were 20 to 80 years older than you (seriously, 100 year old men are asking for your number?...that *is* odd) were average...either average looking or average guys? The common denominator here might be you. Is it possible that something is off about your assessment of attractiveness, whatever you mean by it? Knowing exactly what you want, what you're willing to accept, and how that matches up with the demographic reality can go a long way towards realistic expectations. Especially when you factor in your access to and level of interaction with the members of the pool of people you're interested in pursuing and being pursued by.
I'd think about other factors, too. Maybe you're not drawing in the type of men you wish to because you are dissuading them in some way you're not aware of? Maybe it's your behavior, attitude, attire, body language, or some other factor. I'd look into it.
It could also be that the metric you are using isn't very viable...meaning, maybe 'number collecting' isn't the best indicator of who's interested in you. It could be where you frequent, the social scene that you live in, or how you/they interact with people. Look into the the entire range of the ways people in your area/scene are picking up on others and see if you're missing out on some opportunities to meet men more like what you're looking for, as well as whether or not you're missing out on their signals of interest (other than asking for phone numbers).
posted by iamkimiam at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
It seems that you are switching between 'good-looking guys' and 'attractive men'. Going by your categorical assessments of the dozens of men who've hit on you, you've lumped them into groups, not based on physical looks, but attractiveness in terms of security (homeless or mental capability), age, social stereotypes (gangsters or wannabes), or social skills. Are we to assume that none of the men in these categories were physically attractive? Or is it that you're asking, "Why aren't desirable men asking me for my number?"
Either way, on both accounts I would get clear about what 'good-looking' and 'attractive' means to you. Also, the meaning of 'average'. Is it that none of the men who where were 20 to 80 years older than you (seriously, 100 year old men are asking for your number?...that *is* odd) were average...either average looking or average guys? The common denominator here might be you. Is it possible that something is off about your assessment of attractiveness, whatever you mean by it? Knowing exactly what you want, what you're willing to accept, and how that matches up with the demographic reality can go a long way towards realistic expectations. Especially when you factor in your access to and level of interaction with the members of the pool of people you're interested in pursuing and being pursued by.
I'd think about other factors, too. Maybe you're not drawing in the type of men you wish to because you are dissuading them in some way you're not aware of? Maybe it's your behavior, attitude, attire, body language, or some other factor. I'd look into it.
It could also be that the metric you are using isn't very viable...meaning, maybe 'number collecting' isn't the best indicator of who's interested in you. It could be where you frequent, the social scene that you live in, or how you/they interact with people. Look into the the entire range of the ways people in your area/scene are picking up on others and see if you're missing out on some opportunities to meet men more like what you're looking for, as well as whether or not you're missing out on their signals of interest (other than asking for phone numbers).
posted by iamkimiam at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ask for numbers yourself. On one hand -there will be numbers you might not get. On the other hand - you'll actually get some numbers, make some new friends, possibly have new and exciting adventures.
YOUR WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. I say this as a short (5'2") non-skinny girl (size 12, 14 or 16 depending on manufacturer.)
You might also give some thought to the types of places where you actually want to get numbers. Location, location, location! You'll get different kinds of numbers at museums than at clubs, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Clubs are kind of set up to house players, so yeah that's the kind of number that you'll get.
Whatever reason(s) you've given yourself for not walking up and asking for numbers - those reasons probably apply to the guys you're wondering about and why they don't ask for numbers.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2010
YOUR WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. I say this as a short (5'2") non-skinny girl (size 12, 14 or 16 depending on manufacturer.)
You might also give some thought to the types of places where you actually want to get numbers. Location, location, location! You'll get different kinds of numbers at museums than at clubs, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Clubs are kind of set up to house players, so yeah that's the kind of number that you'll get.
Whatever reason(s) you've given yourself for not walking up and asking for numbers - those reasons probably apply to the guys you're wondering about and why they don't ask for numbers.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2010
Most normal guys feel weird about approaching strange women. This thread may enlighten you:
http://www.metafilter.com/85667/Hi-Whatcha-reading
posted by modernserf at 2:20 PM on March 20, 2010
http://www.metafilter.com/85667/Hi-Whatcha-reading
posted by modernserf at 2:20 PM on March 20, 2010
I'm trying to figure out why you want this to happen so much. I would never give my phone number to anyone I met in public, much less random dude on the SUBWAY just because he was good looking. I mean, for the love of pete, Ted Bundy was a good looking guy.
Back when I was single and it was the 80s if I started talking to a guy at a concert and he asked for my number, I would ask him for his number instead.
If you need some validation that you're attractive try asking some of your male friends. But the fact that random men don't ask you for your number doesn't mean that you're fat and ugly. It is more likely an indicator that random guys don't do that any more because women don't usually hand over their numbers. I guess there are probably people who do that but I don't think it's some movie plot where they meet as a result of this random encounter and fall madly in love. I mean, random shit happens, I met guys when I was travelling around Europe and Asia and you'd hit it off but there was always some kind of commonality there. Even if Mr. Handsome does come up and ask you for your number, how on earth do you know if you'd have anything in common with him at all?
if you want to lose weight, lose weight. but don't do it just because you think it will get random good looking dudes to ask you for your phone number.
posted by micawber at 2:21 PM on March 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Back when I was single and it was the 80s if I started talking to a guy at a concert and he asked for my number, I would ask him for his number instead.
If you need some validation that you're attractive try asking some of your male friends. But the fact that random men don't ask you for your number doesn't mean that you're fat and ugly. It is more likely an indicator that random guys don't do that any more because women don't usually hand over their numbers. I guess there are probably people who do that but I don't think it's some movie plot where they meet as a result of this random encounter and fall madly in love. I mean, random shit happens, I met guys when I was travelling around Europe and Asia and you'd hit it off but there was always some kind of commonality there. Even if Mr. Handsome does come up and ask you for your number, how on earth do you know if you'd have anything in common with him at all?
if you want to lose weight, lose weight. but don't do it just because you think it will get random good looking dudes to ask you for your phone number.
posted by micawber at 2:21 PM on March 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Oh sweetie, them's the odds. That stuff you see on TV about magically gorgeous people finding you just isn't how it works out - but those with lower social barriers sure will make their feelings known.
posted by medea42 at 2:23 PM on March 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by medea42 at 2:23 PM on March 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
Haha, dunno if it's relevant, but they did a stupid show here on TV where they did (bad, obviously) experiments and one was, why don't normal guys hit on cute girls: they got an 'ex' glamour model, full slap short skirt etc, and got her to walk up and down Venice Beach for 3 hours and make lots of eye contact with passing guys and say 'hi' and stuff, and all the guys who made eye contact with her at all were old and ugly, and the only one who stopped to chat, and spent ages, was, as they put it, 'easily over 70, not very good looking, and riding a girl's bike...' Their answer: they're used to being rejected, they don't care. This applies to players and homeless people and stuff.... I did used to know a girl who said 'i never ask men out, i just look at them a lot until they get the message' (in class at college). I don't know if that's helpful. Not trying to be rude, but you've been an adult for about 2 years, your life as an adult is 2 years old, of course nothing's happened - it may seem long to you, but if you live to 90 it'll be 72 adult years: you should worry if you had got married had kids etc, not that you haven't. And, speaking as an old person, when you're young, you probably have had guys who liked you, you just didn't read the signs/didn't even notice. There are some hilarious small black and white photos of the group my mum went with to do charity work in Holland after the second world war, and even postage-stamp size, it's clear one guy is always staring at her lovestruck: did she notice then? Did she heck. The nicest guy I knew at college loved me, did i notice? He just offered to help with my homework, he was shy, so...nothing.
posted by maiamaia at 3:02 PM on March 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by maiamaia at 3:02 PM on March 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
How do you indicate that you are open to being approached by a particular guy?
How do you indicate that you have enjoyed a conversation and wish it to continue, at another time?
And, bluntly...
If you're a male, being tall generally increases your perceived attractiveness; if you're a female, being slim does generally increase your attractiveness. Since I'm sure you know this, you might want to consider what you're actually trying to clarify by asking about whether you should lose weight.
Whether or not you choose to lose weight, you can probably start getting better results for yourself by paying more attention to how you signal that you want to be approached. If you assume that men are a) blind to most hints and b) afraid of rejection (and that the men who aren't are usually either low-quality or given to meeting women as a hobby), and proceed accordingly, you should start meeting more of the kind of men you want to meet very quickly and easily.
posted by darth_tedious at 3:15 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
How do you indicate that you have enjoyed a conversation and wish it to continue, at another time?
And, bluntly...
If you're a male, being tall generally increases your perceived attractiveness; if you're a female, being slim does generally increase your attractiveness. Since I'm sure you know this, you might want to consider what you're actually trying to clarify by asking about whether you should lose weight.
Whether or not you choose to lose weight, you can probably start getting better results for yourself by paying more attention to how you signal that you want to be approached. If you assume that men are a) blind to most hints and b) afraid of rejection (and that the men who aren't are usually either low-quality or given to meeting women as a hobby), and proceed accordingly, you should start meeting more of the kind of men you want to meet very quickly and easily.
posted by darth_tedious at 3:15 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I was in my 20s, thin, and gorgeous I was also a creep magnet. I couldn't understand where all the creepy guys were coming from. I realize now, that since I was very shy the nice guys picked up on this and left me alone. That is, being nice guys they would not force themselves on someone who appeared to want to be left alone. I came off as an "ice princess." Perhaps you are doing this.
You might try what I was too shy to do until I was 30, go up to a nice looking man or a nice man (who may not be that great looking) and talk to him.
Your weight seems fine. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself. I do not think you are overweight, but you do. You should realize that being a little overweight can be an asset. Dress nicely to accentuate your good parts.
Exercise might help you with self esteem. Weightlifting is great and you can target certain areas. In addition you will be physically stronger so you can push the creeps out of the way.
posted by fifilaru at 3:27 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
You might try what I was too shy to do until I was 30, go up to a nice looking man or a nice man (who may not be that great looking) and talk to him.
Your weight seems fine. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself. I do not think you are overweight, but you do. You should realize that being a little overweight can be an asset. Dress nicely to accentuate your good parts.
Exercise might help you with self esteem. Weightlifting is great and you can target certain areas. In addition you will be physically stronger so you can push the creeps out of the way.
posted by fifilaru at 3:27 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Small data point: after I lost 35 lbs (in a similar weight range to yours, though we don't know how tall you are) I was approached way, way, way more often when out and about (by a range of attractive to troll-like men). But I always figured that this had more to do with my new self confidence. So: maybe pay attention to how you carry yourself - if you're attracting weirdos it may have nothing to do with what you look like but how you perceive yourself. And trust me, attractive guys are nice to look at but not really what should be concerning you relationship wise. Attraction is what matters.
posted by meerkatty at 3:30 PM on March 20, 2010
posted by meerkatty at 3:30 PM on March 20, 2010
To be brutally honest, sure good looking guys ask for women's phone numbers....but maybe you're the female counterpart to the average looking men you lament approaching you.
Plus maybe you're putting out a shallow vibe out there which might scare off the people who can better afford to be picky.
If you're like me, average looks look a lot better when they're attached to someone I like...so give yourself a chance to know someone, even if they're not in the Jon Hammosphere.
posted by inturnaround at 3:32 PM on March 20, 2010
Plus maybe you're putting out a shallow vibe out there which might scare off the people who can better afford to be picky.
If you're like me, average looks look a lot better when they're attached to someone I like...so give yourself a chance to know someone, even if they're not in the Jon Hammosphere.
posted by inturnaround at 3:32 PM on March 20, 2010
Strange (non-homeless) men never just up and ask me out- I literally cannot think of a single time that has happened.. I'm, according to my friends, attractive and all and I've had plenty of romantic relationships etc but none of them started with a guy bumping into me at Starbucks and being smitten with my quirky charm*. Unfortunate. Because a fateful meeting with a tall, dark and handsome stranger seems a lot more fun and adventurous than just dating some dude I already know.
posted by fshgrl at 3:41 PM on March 20, 2010
posted by fshgrl at 3:41 PM on March 20, 2010
If you limit your dating pool to "good looking" and "attractive" guys, you're missing out on a lot of good stuff. I'm not saying that you need to date the homeless men that approach you, but some of the best partners I've had were, to put it delicately - not good-looking at all. But they were good partners and fun to be with, while one of the best looking partners I've had was a liar and a cheat (my second ex-husband).
Just a thought.
Oh, and to answer the question, I've had men of all shapes and sizes ask me for my number - but I do not give them my number because I don't want strangers calling me. I'd rather ask them for theirs - if they don't give me theirs, they're not worth the bother.
posted by patheral at 4:01 PM on March 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just a thought.
Oh, and to answer the question, I've had men of all shapes and sizes ask me for my number - but I do not give them my number because I don't want strangers calling me. I'd rather ask them for theirs - if they don't give me theirs, they're not worth the bother.
posted by patheral at 4:01 PM on March 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, what makes you think this is supposed to happen? Movies? Sex and the City?
Having some strange man ask for your number in public used to be known as "getting picked up," and nice girls didn't allow it, and nice men didn't do it (to nice girls). It was scandalous and vulgar. Nice people met other well-brought-up, socially-approved people through family, friends, acquaintances, membership to acceptable clubs and organizations, etc.
And this is still pretty much how it happens today, no matter how socially evolved and sexually liberated we all are. Most people meet through friends, at work, at school, at church: a place or situation where there is some level of guarantee that this person is "acceptable," however you define that. Even though we don't like to use that language anymore, we are all looking for someone who is well brought up and socially acceptable. That's the difference between a normal guy and a "wannabe gangster" (aka scrub), right?
Yes, it would so amazingly romantic if the gorgeous man-of-my-dreams struck up a conversation on the subway. But in reality, anyone that I'd want to seriously date knows that normal people do not talk to strangers on the subway. Kind of a paradox, right? And this is what the nice men are thinking: "Wow, she's cute, too bad it is completely socially unacceptable for me to strike up a conversation with her. Because even if she thinks I'm cute, too, as soon as I approached her I'd be breaking the social code and I'd become a creep."
Go places where "acceptable" men are, and where it is "acceptable" for people to meet. You're young -- are you still in school? If not, get a job where a lot men work, or where women who have nice men friends work. Make sure people know you're single and looking (I just found out that everyone in my office thought I was married). Join clubs, and all the rest.
posted by thebazilist at 4:03 PM on March 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
Having some strange man ask for your number in public used to be known as "getting picked up," and nice girls didn't allow it, and nice men didn't do it (to nice girls). It was scandalous and vulgar. Nice people met other well-brought-up, socially-approved people through family, friends, acquaintances, membership to acceptable clubs and organizations, etc.
And this is still pretty much how it happens today, no matter how socially evolved and sexually liberated we all are. Most people meet through friends, at work, at school, at church: a place or situation where there is some level of guarantee that this person is "acceptable," however you define that. Even though we don't like to use that language anymore, we are all looking for someone who is well brought up and socially acceptable. That's the difference between a normal guy and a "wannabe gangster" (aka scrub), right?
Yes, it would so amazingly romantic if the gorgeous man-of-my-dreams struck up a conversation on the subway. But in reality, anyone that I'd want to seriously date knows that normal people do not talk to strangers on the subway. Kind of a paradox, right? And this is what the nice men are thinking: "Wow, she's cute, too bad it is completely socially unacceptable for me to strike up a conversation with her. Because even if she thinks I'm cute, too, as soon as I approached her I'd be breaking the social code and I'd become a creep."
Go places where "acceptable" men are, and where it is "acceptable" for people to meet. You're young -- are you still in school? If not, get a job where a lot men work, or where women who have nice men friends work. Make sure people know you're single and looking (I just found out that everyone in my office thought I was married). Join clubs, and all the rest.
posted by thebazilist at 4:03 PM on March 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
Male-type person here. First of all, many men are scared to "hit on" attractive women. Just won't happen. We assume all attractive women are already attached to someone else.
Second, a guy who asks for you phone number is very liikely motivated more by his ego than an interest in you. If someone is really interested in spending time with you, they are likely to say so, which would, of necessity, entail exchanging phone numbers.
Third, just reverse roles. If you meet a guy who interests you, ask him out or ask him for his number. Trust me, if he is interested, he will cooperate.
posted by justcorbly at 4:13 PM on March 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Second, a guy who asks for you phone number is very liikely motivated more by his ego than an interest in you. If someone is really interested in spending time with you, they are likely to say so, which would, of necessity, entail exchanging phone numbers.
Third, just reverse roles. If you meet a guy who interests you, ask him out or ask him for his number. Trust me, if he is interested, he will cooperate.
posted by justcorbly at 4:13 PM on March 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Sure they do. But guys (hell, people) with good social skills generally aren't asking for a stranger's number -- they are asking for a number as a natural end point to a conversation with a new-found friend, someone they've been chatting to for a while and with whom there is a mutual connection and interest.
We assume all attractive women are already attached to someone else.
Woah, speak for yourself there. This is not the way I or most guys I know think about women.
posted by Forktine at 4:26 PM on March 20, 2010
We assume all attractive women are already attached to someone else.
Woah, speak for yourself there. This is not the way I or most guys I know think about women.
posted by Forktine at 4:26 PM on March 20, 2010
a) Attractive men who are slightly shy may not ask for your number.
b) Attractive men who are arrogant may not ask for your number.
c) Attractive men who are neither shy nor arrogant may ask for your number.
There are not many "c" men out there.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:47 PM on March 20, 2010
b) Attractive men who are arrogant may not ask for your number.
c) Attractive men who are neither shy nor arrogant may ask for your number.
There are not many "c" men out there.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:47 PM on March 20, 2010
Shyness. Pure and simple. And a touch of not wanting to be seen as a creep.
Maybe join some groups where men are some of the members. This way they can get to know you, and you can get to know them, without it feeling creepy or it just being at a bar/party.
I'm a big proponent of meetup.com as a great place to meet people that are into a same hobby as you.
posted by zombieApoc at 6:15 PM on March 20, 2010
Maybe join some groups where men are some of the members. This way they can get to know you, and you can get to know them, without it feeling creepy or it just being at a bar/party.
I'm a big proponent of meetup.com as a great place to meet people that are into a same hobby as you.
posted by zombieApoc at 6:15 PM on March 20, 2010
Depends. I am told that to a certain segment of females, that I am considered very attractive. I am certainly not GQ model attractive. I can only speak for myself, but I am not the type to randomly walk up to anyone much less an attractive girl and strike up a conversation. If approached, I probably won't shut up, but initiating is not my thing. In my single days, I met most of the woman I dated through either friends introducing or through a shared activity such as both on the same Chicago social club volleyball team.
I would add, that in the rare instance I would approach a woman who I did not know prior or was not introduced to, it was rarely a really hot woman. So, maybe, take the fact that you are not approached as a sign that guys think you are good looking and are intimidated.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:21 PM on March 20, 2010
I would add, that in the rare instance I would approach a woman who I did not know prior or was not introduced to, it was rarely a really hot woman. So, maybe, take the fact that you are not approached as a sign that guys think you are good looking and are intimidated.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:21 PM on March 20, 2010
I am about your size. My husband is GQ hot. I made the first step in making contact with him, otherwise he never would have done anything because he was quite shy. We lived in different cities and I sometimes visited his city. We had a friend in common. I asked for his email and said that the next time I was in town, we should grab lunch. For several months we got to know each other via IM and email. I got to woo him with my ginsu sharp wit and my brain. By the time we were able to see each other in person, he was smitten. I ended up moving to his city for my job. When I arrived, I discovered some of the women in town hated me because they all had crushes on him and had been hanging around trying to get his attention. Lots of them were hotter and skinnier than me. Could they have long deep conversations about books with him? Could they make him laugh really hard? Nope. I was the one he picked. We are married now and have been together for almost 10 years.
The point of my anecdote with a happy ending is that: 1. life is too short to wait around for things to happen to you. 2. don't assume that men are all the same and are attracted to stereotypes.
posted by pluckysparrow at 6:58 PM on March 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
The point of my anecdote with a happy ending is that: 1. life is too short to wait around for things to happen to you. 2. don't assume that men are all the same and are attracted to stereotypes.
posted by pluckysparrow at 6:58 PM on March 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
I'm not gorgeous, but maybe I am uglier than I thought? I also wonder if things would change if I lost weight. I don't plan to, but if you have lost weight yourself, starting from an average weight, do you think it would be different if I went from 145 pounds where I am now, to 115?
I don't mean to sound harsh, but as you've asked the question, I'm going to give you my honest assessment.
You want to look up the idea of assortive matching; essentially, people tend to end up paired with people who are more-or-less as attractive as they are, most attractive with most attractive, average with average, least with least. So yes, to some degree, you can judge your own attractiveness by the attractiveness of those who hit on you; or more precisely, you're unlikely to be more attractive than the most attractive people who hit on you.
I know I look a good bit better when I've lost weight, and while some people do look good at higher weights, on average Western culture prefers thinner.
posted by orthogonality at 7:03 PM on March 20, 2010
I don't mean to sound harsh, but as you've asked the question, I'm going to give you my honest assessment.
You want to look up the idea of assortive matching; essentially, people tend to end up paired with people who are more-or-less as attractive as they are, most attractive with most attractive, average with average, least with least. So yes, to some degree, you can judge your own attractiveness by the attractiveness of those who hit on you; or more precisely, you're unlikely to be more attractive than the most attractive people who hit on you.
I know I look a good bit better when I've lost weight, and while some people do look good at higher weights, on average Western culture prefers thinner.
posted by orthogonality at 7:03 PM on March 20, 2010
I've learned through dating a vapid, moronic bombshell that asking people for their numbers, and then following though based on their physical appearance is a waste of my life ( I guess that's not true because the sex was great). I wouldn't ask someone for their number unless I interacted with them in some meaningful way. Strangers? No thanks! If you want to talk to me, do it, otherwise... meh. There's a lot of really attractive humans, but much fewer people I really want to hold hands in a cemetery with.
Anyhow, I've been doing a little physical improvement myself, lately. I would say, yes, change to a different weight to make yourself attractive, but don't focus on weight, focus on overall fitness. You'll end up with a worse body if you just try to shed pounds. Focus on building strength and stamina and flexibility. Some times, after physical improvement, you'll look the same in your clothes, but naked you look like DAYYAMM! That is what you should go for, not reducing the overall quantity of you in the world.
posted by fuq at 7:14 PM on March 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Anyhow, I've been doing a little physical improvement myself, lately. I would say, yes, change to a different weight to make yourself attractive, but don't focus on weight, focus on overall fitness. You'll end up with a worse body if you just try to shed pounds. Focus on building strength and stamina and flexibility. Some times, after physical improvement, you'll look the same in your clothes, but naked you look like DAYYAMM! That is what you should go for, not reducing the overall quantity of you in the world.
posted by fuq at 7:14 PM on March 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
My girlfriend got hit on with her girlfriend at a restaurant with a little market. The guy walked up and asked what wine they were drinking and why. They confessed they shop the label. The guy said "oh cool" and walked away. He returned about 15 minutes later with a bottle of wine, dropped it off at the table and said "this is for helping earlier, and here's my card if you feel like giving me a call. have a nice day."
Apparently, he was quite attractive, though this may fall into "player" territory. Still, classy move.
posted by disillusioned at 7:47 PM on March 20, 2010
Apparently, he was quite attractive, though this may fall into "player" territory. Still, classy move.
posted by disillusioned at 7:47 PM on March 20, 2010
As others have said, this is pretty much normal. When I still dressed femininely I would get hit on almost entirely by players or else men I had no interest in, including guys with mental issues (I mean that in the medical sense). Those men approach women more than is proportionate to their numbers; even if they were only 5% of guys, they're the loudest, so to speak.
Losing weight won't make a difference. You'll still get hit on by the same crowd; I know this from experience, since I have roughly a 35-pound range in which I'm conventionally attractive enough to get hassled. At the highest and lowest points of that range it's all the same kinds of guys. Look at it this way: if you accept that losing weight will make you more attractive -- which isn't necessarily true, this is just for the sake of argument -- then being more attractive just means even more skeezy guys are going to hassle you: if all someone knows about you is that you're physically attractive, the odds are great that they're just someone out to get some ass.
It's not like decent, attractive men that are worth knowing will only date girls that weigh 115 pounds either, and 145 pounds isn't that heavy, especially on some people; if you ever watch a Miss America pageant or something similar where they display these things (I'm not sure that they do anymore, but they did in the 90s), there are plenty of girls in the 140-155 pound range. Since you're 145 pounds and routinely getting hit on by skeezeballs, I would bet money without even seeing you that you're plenty attractive.
If you want to date a decent, attractive guy that you're actually interested in, then the only likely way to do that is by getting to know one first, possibly by approaching him -- not by waiting for a guy to approach you.
posted by Nattie at 8:12 PM on March 20, 2010
Losing weight won't make a difference. You'll still get hit on by the same crowd; I know this from experience, since I have roughly a 35-pound range in which I'm conventionally attractive enough to get hassled. At the highest and lowest points of that range it's all the same kinds of guys. Look at it this way: if you accept that losing weight will make you more attractive -- which isn't necessarily true, this is just for the sake of argument -- then being more attractive just means even more skeezy guys are going to hassle you: if all someone knows about you is that you're physically attractive, the odds are great that they're just someone out to get some ass.
It's not like decent, attractive men that are worth knowing will only date girls that weigh 115 pounds either, and 145 pounds isn't that heavy, especially on some people; if you ever watch a Miss America pageant or something similar where they display these things (I'm not sure that they do anymore, but they did in the 90s), there are plenty of girls in the 140-155 pound range. Since you're 145 pounds and routinely getting hit on by skeezeballs, I would bet money without even seeing you that you're plenty attractive.
If you want to date a decent, attractive guy that you're actually interested in, then the only likely way to do that is by getting to know one first, possibly by approaching him -- not by waiting for a guy to approach you.
posted by Nattie at 8:12 PM on March 20, 2010
That first paragraph applies to any woman on the planet, not just you. Waiting to be approached is not working, try something else.
posted by Neekee at 8:20 PM on March 20, 2010
posted by Neekee at 8:20 PM on March 20, 2010
It's rare that even an average guy will ask for my number. And I've only had a really good looking guy try to get it around 5 times in my life. And all of them turned out to be players who hit on everyone.
I'm wondering what "hit on everyone" means here. The only point in my life where I activily asked strange women for their numbers was when I was single in my early 20s and I went out to clubs or bars. I guess you might have called me a player back then, because if possible I would try to talk more than one women, but I was single and looking for relationships, so this seemed a logical way to go about it.
So if you want guys ask for your number, you are going to have to accept that the ones that do are going to be asking other women as well, especially in a situations like singles bars where flirtation is the rule. However I found my current wife this way, so if one of these "players" really likes you, they will settle down.
I've never asked a girl her number in "a class, the subway, or on the street" though, that is just creepy.
posted by afu at 12:09 AM on March 21, 2010
I'm wondering what "hit on everyone" means here. The only point in my life where I activily asked strange women for their numbers was when I was single in my early 20s and I went out to clubs or bars. I guess you might have called me a player back then, because if possible I would try to talk more than one women, but I was single and looking for relationships, so this seemed a logical way to go about it.
So if you want guys ask for your number, you are going to have to accept that the ones that do are going to be asking other women as well, especially in a situations like singles bars where flirtation is the rule. However I found my current wife this way, so if one of these "players" really likes you, they will settle down.
I've never asked a girl her number in "a class, the subway, or on the street" though, that is just creepy.
posted by afu at 12:09 AM on March 21, 2010
As an older, unattractive, essentially homeless man with poor social skills and mental problems, I find your question very discouraging. How can I get hot girls to hit on me? We all need that, don't we?
I suspect this is a supply and demand problem. Most of these young, hot guys with money and social skills are probably occupied, in demand, and probably don't have to work too hard to find dates. Ask for a number? They probably get more numbers than they know what to do with.
As for getting numbers on the street, here's a video about a guy who seems to make it work in a not too creepy way: Ladies Man (NYTimes, part of their "1 in 8 Million" series of videos about New Yorkers).
posted by DarkForest at 5:06 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I suspect this is a supply and demand problem. Most of these young, hot guys with money and social skills are probably occupied, in demand, and probably don't have to work too hard to find dates. Ask for a number? They probably get more numbers than they know what to do with.
As for getting numbers on the street, here's a video about a guy who seems to make it work in a not too creepy way: Ladies Man (NYTimes, part of their "1 in 8 Million" series of videos about New Yorkers).
posted by DarkForest at 5:06 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do really good looking guys ever ask for the numbers of women they don't know?
Really good looking guys don't need to ask for the numbers of women they don't know. Plenty of women they don't know are actively pursuing those really good looking guys while you sit and wait to have a number handed to you.
Get active.
Also: do you think it would be different if I went from 145 pounds where I am now, to 115?
If you could safely drop that much weight -- if you would be (and look and feel) more fit at 115 than you are at 145 -- then you would indeed attract more men, including more of the "really good looking" variety. Men like fit women as much as women like fit men. But 115 sounds pretty skinny unless you're also pretty short.
posted by pracowity at 7:59 AM on March 22, 2010
Really good looking guys don't need to ask for the numbers of women they don't know. Plenty of women they don't know are actively pursuing those really good looking guys while you sit and wait to have a number handed to you.
Get active.
Also: do you think it would be different if I went from 145 pounds where I am now, to 115?
If you could safely drop that much weight -- if you would be (and look and feel) more fit at 115 than you are at 145 -- then you would indeed attract more men, including more of the "really good looking" variety. Men like fit women as much as women like fit men. But 115 sounds pretty skinny unless you're also pretty short.
posted by pracowity at 7:59 AM on March 22, 2010
I am a bit late on this but YES good looking guys do approach strangers they dont know. However, I think that for us in many cases is actually harder to put ourselves out-there when we've got a lot of choices. I can count the amount of times I approached perfect strangers in the train and in all of those occasions the persons I had a connection with where those with whom I have had strong-eye contact, had smiled at me, and had pretty much made it clear that they were interested in having some sort of conversation with me. The one time I approached someone who was not paying attention to me the reaction wasnt the one I wanted so I didnt try it again......I'm a part time male model (and before that was on a major agency for 5 years)....and when I was single I often had a need to go out there and talk to women as there was a major discrepancy in regards to the people that hit on me and the people I actually liked.....
posted by The1andonly at 8:00 AM on March 23, 2010
posted by The1andonly at 8:00 AM on March 23, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by koeselitz at 2:00 PM on March 20, 2010 [39 favorites]