A personality you'd have sex with.
March 16, 2010 1:56 PM   Subscribe

How can I be more attractive to men, without changing my looks?

I'm a 40-year old woman, and I know I am not attractive because the number of men who have shown interest in me in my life can be counted on one hand. I have tried dressing up and putting on makeup, I have tried social venues, I have tried dating sites. It doesn't seem to make a difference and I am tired of wasting money; I think that I feel fake when I do these things helps them to fail. Especially as I am older now, and every year makes me less attractive in society's eyes, and I cannot fight the changes of age. I have hobbies and a career I enjoy, but I am lonely. How can I get men to find me attractive for myself, not how I can look with $500 worth of hair, makeup and clothes?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (32 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
Without knowing you personally, my best guess would be: self-confidence. Lots of physically not-so-attractive people are swarming with suitors because they have self-confidence. It's a cliche, but it's a cliche because it's true.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:00 PM on March 16, 2010 [7 favorites]

You say "I know I am not attractive" as if it were some quantifiable attribute you either definitely have or definitely don't. But that's not true; attractiveness is wholly subjective.

If I were you I'd look for ways to make your current hobbies more social. You didn't mention what they were, but you should explore ways to meet other people (male and female alike) who enjoy doing the same things. And your goal shouldn't be to meet a man who thinks you're "attractive," but to meet a man who enjoys spending time with you, and who you enjoy spending time with in return. That's where you're going to find love -- not in constantly chasing down the fleeting vanities of youth and beauty.

Also, what MexicanYenta said. Self-confidence is one of the sexiest traits a person can possess, regardless of his or her looks.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 2:02 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

And if you don't feel self-confident, fake it. "Fake it till you make it" is darned good advice in a lot of situations.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:02 PM on March 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

Confidence and self-love. What kinds of hobbies/ passions do you have? Rather than trying to meet guys through the traditional venues, is there another place or activity you enjoy where men would happen to be there? By sharing an interest, you may be able to meet someone in a context where your inner beauty will naturally shine through.

You need to meet someone with enough depth to see that everyone ages, beauty is fleeting, and love goes beyond the surface level.
posted by tessalations999 at 2:03 PM on March 16, 2010

You haven't given us enough to go on here. Find a female friend who strikes you as confident and attractive and ask her for help.

Also, it doesn't follow that you're unattractive because men haven't "shown interest" in you, whatever that means exactly. I'm also not sure why you think there's nothing you can do about your looks, and that you "can't fight the changes of age." Sure, everybody gets old and dies, but a 40-year-old woman can be fit and attractive. It's just not going to happen by itself. There's plenty you can do that isn't expensive, isn't fake, can make you look better, and can be beneficial to your health to boot.
posted by ludwig_van at 2:14 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

I know I am not attractive because the number of men who have shown interest in me in my life can be counted on one hand.

You can't measure physical attractiveness purely by your number of dates. It's a factor, yes. But merely one of an innumerable number of factors. You could be running with the wrong crowds. You could be sending verbal and non-verbals signals that suggest you're not attainable.

Especially as I am older now, and every year makes me less attractive in society's eyes

Nope. Apparently you've never heard of the term "cougar," which, while it shouldn't be a goal, per se, definitely speaks to shifting standards of what attractive is.

I have hobbies and a career I enjoy, but I am lonely.

Do something you don't normally do. You have hobbies? Set them aside and find new ones that are diagonal to your current ones. You like bookstores? Join a rock climbing gym. You may not find a date, but you will be doing something new, which has value in itself.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:19 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

It seems to me that men don't "show interest" in a woman if she isn't sending out the vibe of approachability as well as self-confidence.
Maybe you don't appear to be open to a man's attentions, so men don't approach?
posted by mmf at 2:22 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

When I was single, there were scads of women who I was attracted to but never approached because I couldn't think of a way to strike up a conversation. Of those, a decent number weren't conventionally attractive, but still managed to catch my eye. (It's a rare guy who only likes conventionally attractive women. Some guys are afraid to admit they have tastes outside the narrow, tedious, culturally prescribed "norm" — but generally, we get braver about that sort of thing as we get older, so your dating pool is improving on that score.)

So it's likely that more men are looking than you realize. The problem is letting them know that it's okay to approach you, and giving them an "in."

Confidence is good because, in an unexpected way, it makes you less intimidating. (It's terrifying hitting on a woman who projects low self-esteem, because you know that one false move is going to ruin her whole day.) Hobbies are good, because they give you things to talk about and people to talk about them with. A sense of humor is good, because laughing is an important part of flirtation. (Don't worry. You already have a sense of humor, whether you think you do or not. Everyone has a sense of humor. It's just a matter of letting it show — which, for a lot of us, comes back to confidence.)

And it couldn't hurt to get in the habit of making small talk with the people around you. Don't necessarily go in expecting anything to come of it, but sooner or later one of them will be deeply grateful that the woman they were checking out came over and broke the ice for them.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:23 PM on March 16, 2010 [10 favorites]

You never mentioned your fitness level. How often do you exercise?

If you're out of shape it obviously affects your level of attractiveness, but it also affects your mood and feeling of well-being, which may be causing you to be excessively negative around people without realizing it.

I would give a serious workout regimen a try for a few weeks. I'm not talking about the going-through-the-motions workouts like walking for 30 minutes twice a week or going to a yoga class twice monthly and calling themselves active. I'm talking about serious heart-pumping, muscle-burning, drenched-in-sweat HIIT and weight-lifting routines lasting an hour four times per week.

If nothing else, I guarantee you'll feel better, and no one ever got less attractive by increasing their level of fitness.
posted by Willie0248 at 2:25 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

If I were single I'd probably be on the lookout for a woman who had interests / hobbies and a career she enjoyed, someone with a degree of self-awareness (even if she did get down on herself from time to time). It's trite, I know, but if you do focus on the things that make you feel good about yourself then other people are more likely to notice and admire them. Whatever you can do to emphasise your eyes is probably good too. Men want to be looked at, (it's a complex narcissist/voyeurist morass of a thing) so anything you can do in this area is good.
posted by tigrefacile at 3:00 PM on March 16, 2010

How can I get men to find me attractive for myself, not how I can look with $500 worth of hair, makeup and clothes?

Exercise is basically free. Exercise is also just about the only thing a person can do to improve their physical looks without spending money. Well, that and smiling more. Once you hit a certain age, the only thing that's going to make you physically look better than five or ten years ago is if you're in better shape than you were then. Which means exercise.

Oh, if you eat like a goat all day, you should change that as well.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:12 PM on March 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Seconding what other people have said - confidence confidence confidence.
posted by curious_yellow at 3:19 PM on March 16, 2010

I have hobbies and a career I enjoy

Do you have room in your life for a partner? Are the hobbies things you can share with someone? There does come a point where an abundance of self-reliance is a turn off. People like to feel needed.

The World Famous wrote....

Also this. A lot. Visibly cheerful people are infinitely more attractive.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:22 PM on March 16, 2010

Here are all things I'd suggest on virtually no information:

1. Write down the top 3 things you enjoy doing, hobby-wise.

If they are solitary hobbies, like reading, knitting and carving matchsticks into art, do them in a public place for one hour once a week. (This will allow you to establish a routine that gets you out of the house and makes you visible). Be prepared for strangers to approach you about what you're doing; when they do so, be polite and remember that you're doing this to meet new people, including possible love interests.

If they are hobbies that can be done in a group, join a meetup group of some kind or take a class (or TEACH a class) about these activities. Again, this will help you meet people; be friendly to women as well, since they may have single guy friends you'd be interested in.

2. Give yourself an inner monologue affirmation you can live with, and repeat it when you're in social situations or in public. Something along the lines of, "I'm happy and amazing and you're dying to fall in love with me." (Note: I said one you can live with, but the idea is to pump yourself up internally so you radiate confidence externally.) It sounds corny, but it works, and it makes it easier to smile at strangers if you're not obsessing over social anxiety, your body, looks, age, hair or crap you forgot to do today.

3. Approach others and engage with them yourself. Dating (and making new friends) is simple: It's a numbers game whose odds increase exponentially as you add in common interests and lifestyle preferences. Places where this works best are public, mostly free and locations you don't already frequent, but would like to if you had a partner (I say places you don't already frequent because by now you should have tried this tactic there and haven't noticed anybody you're interested in... right?). Museums, coffee shops, post-lecture gatherings, adult education classes, film festivals, cultural events, wine tastings, cooking classes, book signings, volunteer organizations and community outreach groups/historical societies, that sort of thing. Volunteering is especially great because you can find others who think altruistically and doing good deeds makes everyone feel great inside, and those are the kinds of people who aren't going to have shallow dating values.

You worded this question as though you are a flower in a garden waiting to be plucked, but can't be seen, because the garden is full to bursting with flowers. The truth is, YOU are also walking down a path through the same garden with every variety in bloom; keep reaching out to each one that catches your eye until you find one without thorns. Men, especially now, are OK with being pursued. You're in charge (whether you know it or not).

Everyone deserves to love and be loved; knowing that, start with yourself and the rest hopefully will follow!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:29 PM on March 16, 2010 [12 favorites]

I'm 43 years old. I never wear make up - not ever. I'm out of shape, and my clothing is comfortable - jeans and t-shirts most days. I am what some would call... plain. But I am attractive to men. Sometimes to an unhealthy extent (psycho ex has an unhealthy fixation) and sometimes much to their surprise (because I am out of shape and not beautiful in the conventional sense). Why do I attract men? Because I talk to them. I smile real smiles. I'm not out to get them. I just talk to them. A smile and conversation can be pretty powerful.

You don't need $500 in hair, makeup and clothing to be attractive. Hells bells, I rarely have $500 together at one time! :) As others have mentioned, you just need to be confident. It's sexier than you think.
posted by patheral at 3:32 PM on March 16, 2010 [11 favorites]

You mention that men don't show interest in you. Have you tried showing interest in men?

If not, why not? What things could they have done that would have made you more comfortable in expressing your interest?

Maybe you can answer your own question.
posted by emilyw at 3:42 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

You don't have to wear expensive clothes, as long as they're flattering and fit well. If nothing else, dressing in a way that is flattering to your body (and there's something attractive about everyone you can play up) telegraphs to men that you take care of yourself, have a basic amount of self-esteem, and you're present and at home in the social universe.
posted by availablelight at 3:52 PM on March 16, 2010

Patheral is getting at what I came here to add. You'll get a lot of mileage out of being outwardly-focused instead of focusing on making yourself more attractive. Become interested in people in general. Become a student of the art of conversation. Talk to men of all kinds. Ask them about themselves and show genuine interest in the things they are passionate about.

There are an endless variety of people out there and they all have something they are passionate about, something they're good at, fond memories, hopes, dreams. These are the kinds of things that make them wonderful and interesting. (These are also the things that make you wonderful and interesting.) People will be glad to get a chance to talk about themselves if you are geniune and they feel you are approaching them without an agenda. Don't enter into conversation to impress men so much as to be impressed by men.

I can tell you that men want to be appreciated, accepted, and admired, especially by women. You can learn to make a man (or anyone) feel appreciated, accepted, and admired. They will be attracted to someone who seems genuinely interested to get to know them as they are.

Even if this strategy takes a while to lead to you will have lots of great conversations and contacts along the way and make some friends.
posted by cross_impact at 4:07 PM on March 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

I know I am not attractive because the number of men who have shown interest in me in my life can be counted on one hand.

And THAT is why you have trouble. Honestly. Attitude is so much of a person's appeal that it cannot possibly be overstated.

Once upon a time, I dated a girl. My first "girlfriend", actually. After a while, she dumped me. I asked her if it was my looks, and she said no, it was my personality. I was fifteen at the time.

I related this story to a friend, who happened to be very well put-together, very attractive, and very very short. His response: "you're lucky...you can CHANGE your personality."

He was right; over the years I've grown as a person and become a much more pleasant one to be around (although I'm sure I'm not setting any new bar for awesomeness.) If I look back on my life, I can see clearly that my favorite people, and the people I have been most attracted to, had fantastic personalities -- only a subset of them were physically attractive.
posted by davejay at 5:07 PM on March 16, 2010

My "type":

1. Awesome
2. Single
3. Sane and/or stable
4. Attracted to me

You've got #2 covered, and #4 will depend on the guy, so work on #1 and #3. Awesomeness is different for everyone, but self-confidence, an interest in things other than dating, and a healthy outlook on life are key.

Note that "attractiveness" is nowhere on that list, and in fact has nothing to do with anything except it might get me to watch you walk across a room. And honestly, if you're awesome enough I won't be looking anywhere else anyway.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:12 PM on March 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

As everyone has already mentioned, confidence would probably be your biggest friend. We men can smell good self-esteem on a woman a mile away, and no matter how pretty she may be a lack of it will render her absolutely plain.

That being said, men like to feel pursued just as much as women. Try striking up conversations. But be casual. The only thing we can sense more than self-confidence in a woman is desperation. Being on the hunt for a husband at all costs (not saying this is you, just in general) is the best way to scare us off.

Personally, I find that when I work out I have much better self-esteem, whether I see physical results or not. Confidence is something you can change. Work on that and everything else should flow.
posted by fso at 5:17 PM on March 16, 2010

Make eye contact.
posted by lekvar at 6:30 PM on March 16, 2010

Just a quick Q - are you sure you're not just limiting your stats to a certain type of male? Meaning, you are oblivious to all the other males who may actually be attracted to you / checking you out / or be interested in you and you are just completely oblivious to them (or unconsciously rejecting them through your body language and gestures)?

Maybe you only consider a certain type of guy as being worthy of being thought of as a ''potential mate' (whose attention you'd want) and this type is unfortunately not interested in what you have to offer with your looks/personality combination?

I'm saying this because, I used to live in this one place where several men showed an interest in me but I was constantly lamenting the dearth of men who'd ask me out - and I only realised later that what I really meant was that *I was not attracted to the prevalant type* and so I just discounted them and they were as good as invisible to me in terms of being 'cute guys who like me'.

When I relocated, all of a sudden I felt like I was attractive and wanted - reason: there was a larger diversity in the male pool in the new place, and the pool included the sort that *I would want to get it on with*. Nothing about me had changed except my location. This made me realise how I had been acting - as though only if a certain type of male showed interest I considered that a 'valid attraction' and the other sorts that showed an interest were dismissed instantly by me on a sub-conscious level.

So obviously in a place with fewer of that preferred type, I felt unattractive and unwanted, as all the other types were just photoshopped out by my brain.

So please consider that concept, and if it's the case, then perhaps you should open yourself up to being attracted yourself to other 'types' and all of a sudden you'll find a lot of men (who were formerly invisible to you) are indeed interested in you and this will open the world up for you as it will then result in reciprocation and dates and all that fun stuff : )

note: I know i am suggesting to OP that they should rethink the sort of chap whose attentions they would welcome, even though I didn't do this (because I'm stupid and too specific about what I like) but it's not meant as a compromise solution in a patronising way - it's just a practical suggestion to the OP which may or may not, but hopefully will, do the trick.
posted by ravingOak at 6:59 PM on March 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you generally have a pessimistic, negative outlook on things and it sort of permeates the air around you via your posture and facial expression, tone of voice and knee-jerk reactions and turns of phrase, people will definitely pick up on that. I say this as someone who is like that inherently and has to struggle not to be, so I guess from personal experience. YMMV but once I was finally ok with my life and the people in it--which involved luck and a change of circumstance brought on by a cross-country move or two and some tragedies that shook me awake and changed my outlook on life--I noticed people were a lot more openly, publicly attracted to me (sexual and otherwise). I think that's where the trite mantra that "people hit on you once you're already in a relationship, when they wouldn't give you the time of day when you were single" comes from--it's not the relationship status per se but that many people are perhaps subconsciously more at ease and comfortable, confident once coupled, and that radiates.

I look back at myself in late high school and my early college years and in terms of on-paper media-approved "this is what's hot in a woman" (BS yes, granted) I was much hotter then than now--I had a more idealized figure, better hair and skin, I dressed cuter and sexier, etc.--but I was depressed and angry a lot of the time and I sounded a lot like you in terms of the "can count admirers on one hand" thing. I am about a billion times happier now, but I dress frumpy as hell, have gone up something like 4 dress sizes, and have aged some in other ways, but I get hit on in friendly enthusiastic ways more now than I ever did back then. I'm just more at ease now, more approachable. That's the other thing--this sounds snotty but I think you can come across as intimidating without even knowing it, aside from the grumpy not-confident aspect, if you dress to impress and all that...you may seem unapproachable.

Anyway, there's a sort of...energy and cheerfulness that attracts people. A welcoming, easygoing warmth. Which is certainly not to say you should pretend to be Suzy Sunshine if you aren't just to make men like you (ugh). But it does seem to make a gigantic difference anyway. And I know that's a catch 22 of sorts--if you didn't want companionship or admiration in the first place you'd then get it, and if you did want it, you might not, etc etc. Frustrating, yeah.
posted by ifjuly at 7:41 PM on March 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

If you generally have a pessimistic, negative outlook on things and it sort of permeates the air around you via your posture and facial expression, tone of voice and knee-jerk reactions and turns of phrase, people will definitely pick up on that.

ifjuly's description is basically exactly the way I would describe a former friend of mine who has trouble finding relationships. And the problem is not limited to potential romantic partners. The feeling that radiates from her sours relationships with potential friends and coworkers of both sexes as well. It has nothing to do with her attractiveness. (She's zaftig, which might turn off a few guys, but has long black hair and breasts that won't quit and a great smile.) But talk with her for five minutes and she'll bring up a complaint or a criticism about someone or something. At first it can draw people to her (because she actually has a sharp wit as well) in that shared "yeah, those bastards, how dare they" way that people can bond over mutually disliked politicians, actors, or whatever. But then you realize that there is always something for her to criticize. They are all "those bastards." And people start backing away and trying to spend as little time with her as possible.
posted by MsMolly at 8:58 PM on March 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Okay these may or may not be appropriate and they might sound silly or shallow BUT they seem to work:

--Talk about sex and/or make it clear that sex is fun and you like to have it, are positive towards it, and might just possibly be skilled at it.

--Figure out which part of your body is the best part and stick it in their faces as much as possible. Crude but effective. Like if you have cleavage, rock it, wear low-cut shirts, squish the ladies together, lean forwards a lot, wear necklaces that nestle in your cleavage. Sometimes you have to be like HEY LOOK DUDE I HAVE HOT BODY PARTS PAY ATTENTION! Persistence in case they don't notice the first time. Flashing neon lights would be ideal!

--There are guys who are really obsessed with one body part or get turned on by something quirky, if you can figure out what it is, talk about it a lot, do it, and/or put it in their faces. You don't have to have perfect breasts but if you find out he's a breast guy, you might as well go for it. With non-physical turn-ons, work with them. If they mention liking a specific item of clothing, wear it. It does not compromise your identity so much as it gets you laid.

--Accept other people for what they are and make it clear that you will not reject them as people or make them feel bad. A good way to do this is to notice a small flaw, point it out, and yet be positive and make it clear that the flaw does not bother you. Or, BETTER YET! Look for flaws that you find charming, mention them, say that you find them charming. Everyone wants to be liked, everyone wants to find out that their flaws aren't so bad, everyone wants to feel safe and unjudged.

--When it comes to intelligence, your job, skills, sunderpromise and overdeliver. Don't try to impres guys when you first meet them. They are often really silly about it until they know you better, at which point they accept you as successful friend or girlfriend instead of as competition. Unfortunate, I think, but true.

--Go hard for guys who have one major problem you can live with/fix, especially a problem that turns off a lot of ladies. They need a good heart, sexual compatibility, and no felony convictions. Other than that, whatevs. You can make it work. Make it clear that you're into them. If they don't get a lot of female attention they will be very happy to be noticed for once. Compliment them on things they usually don't get compliments on. Make them feel awesome and hot. And yeah, you can't change someone that much, but you can probably make them clean out their car, get a haircut, shave their ugly 'stache, go to the dentist, or whatever. Or you can just put up with their bad habits, weird teeth, etc. Just make it 100% clear that you accept them and think they are great, but also think that they look a bit like Hitler with that mustache.

--Affection, sex, hugs, fun, and acceptance are powerful tools and--lucky us!!--renewable resources.

--Be nice to everybody. Better to be a social asset than a social liability. Plus, people will introduce you to their hot friends.

--NEVER mention that people aren't attracted to you or that you've had nearly zero luck dating. Keep it a secret until they are really hooked. It is so unhot when guys tell me that women don't like them or that all their previous relationships failed miserably. It makes me think that there is a HUGE flaw that I'm not seeing because I don't know them that well. Not always the case! Sure, some people just have bad luck. But you don't want to put the idea in their head that you might be hiding a secret dealbreaker. So just be mysterious.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 9:51 PM on March 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's absurd, but I never have so many men look at me and talk to me as when I am walking through a public place carrying a cake. I have a clear plastic cake carrying case with a handle and no matter where I go (airports, subway stations, busy streets) people smile and go out of their way to say hello. Well, everyone loves cake; it's the best, but it's a good conversation starter and you can offer a piece to anyone who catches your eye. It's like a portable first date.

I'm not saying that you should take a cake with you wherever you go, but you don't have to wait for a special occasion.

But yes, self confidence is very important.

Also important: CAKE
posted by Alison at 10:16 PM on March 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

Yes! Cake and food! Once you get their attention you can work on the attraction part! To that end I suggest...brightly colored clothing! Shiny things! If they don't notice you they can't like you!
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:26 PM on March 16, 2010

Let's break it down into easily digestible bits for the sake of simplicity.

#1: Self confidence goes such a long way. If you're fun, you become far more irresistible than you could even imagine. Plus, if you like yourself, men are more likely to like you too. Everybody wants a winner, so... be a winner. I know, I know. It isn't that easy. BUT you have to start somewhere. Figuring out if you lack self confidence becomes the first step toward getting it back. It's a start. The thing to be careful about with self confidence is that men really are drawn to it. Men who might not want to date you will still want to have sex with you... so be careful. Self confidence is addictive.

#2: Self doubt is a killer. I know it sounds the same as #1, but really, it's not. If you're sitting across the table from a guy and he starts talking about what a loser he is, you'll probably realize he's right. Why would you want a loser? You're better than that ...SO.... even if you feel like you are a loser, you have to learn how to hide it. In fact... I'm going to let you in on a little secret here. Ready? Here goes: it's ok to feel like a loser sometimes because there's a loser inside each of us. Luckily, there's a winner inside each of us too. Your inner loser is a liar, so you have to learn how to tell your inner loser to fuck off :)

#3: Dating sites work if you know how to work them. I bet you don't - but that's OK because most people don't know how to use them either. You can learn it just like the rest of us have. Start with a free site like OKcupid.com. Get the best possible pictures of yourself, but make them realistic - even if you don't like your appearance. It's better to have five replies that are honestly interested than a hundred that won't be once they see what you look like. Buy a digital camera if you don't have one. Go out with a girlfriend and give her the camera. Make her take a gillion pictures of you. Closeups, body shots, candids. The more obnoxious your friend is with the camera, the better! The more bad shots taken increase the odds of good ones being taken too. TRUST ME! I haaaaaate having my picture taken. Last but not least, write a fun and flirty ad that shows you as a winner (because you frigging ARE a winner. Dammit).

#4: Learn why you're awesome. This kind of goes back to the things mentioned above, but so what. It's worth dwelling on. Make an effort to figure out what YOU like and what makes YOU happy. Especially when it comes to hobbies and self growth. For example, I love photography, board games and bad puns. The more you learn about yourself and develop (and embrace) your own passions, the more others will want to get to know you. Plus, those hobbies and passions can serve as a way to meet like minded people. AND, the more you learn about what makes you awesome, corny as that may sound, the more you will like yourself. The more you like yourself, in a healthy way of course, the more others will like you too. Happiness is addictive.

#5: Let go of stereotypes. This ones is kind of harsh, but it needs to be said. "every year makes me less attractive in society's eyes" Who gives a damn what society thinks? Society is the huddled masses who do what they think they're supposed to, acting in mob mentality. To hell with them. Let go of that 'society' junk and focus on human beings on an individual basis. You aren't hoping to date society. You don't want Society to hold your hand while you flirt over drinks at a pub. You aren't going to get liquored up and lose your inhibitions with Society for an amazing night in bed screaming "Oh, give it to me SOCIETY! Yes Society, YES!" You know the stereotypes people stupidly pin on you, right? Be smarter than that. Don't fall for the same stereotyping that you look down on. Who gives a rats ass if "society" says a woman is old once she hits 40. And don't fall for that "40 is the new 30" garbage either. It's all silliness. I guarantee there are plenty of men who are struggling to meet someone just like you. They're not society. They're lonely too. And some of them are probably just as much fun to be with as you are. Please take this last paragraph seriously. I find that human beings are at their worst when they think in packs. Don't fall for it too.

Very best of luck to you!

P.S. ...did someone mention cake?

P.P.S. ...did someone mention bacon? No? Well why the heck not? Damn, bacon sounds good right about now. Guys love bacon. It's no coincidence that bacon, beer and breasts all start with the letter B. Guys love them all oh so much. If only I could learn to love Basketball too... but, sadly, not so much.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:15 AM on March 17, 2010 [6 favorites]

It seems that you are trying to fit into an image of the society and make the best of it.

Instead focus on yourself and make the best of your life and throw yourself out there. Look at your activities, are they helpful in dating other men or are you more at home for example? Have you put up your profile on websites, more importantly what do you think of yourself?

If you were going to be single for the rest of your life, how would you want to lead it? Go lead that life and THEN keep your radar on. You'll be amazed at how much you bring to the table.

I know a young guy who thinks older women with confidence and caring personalities are HOT.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 9:53 AM on March 17, 2010

31-year-old married guy, here. For me, a self-confident, self-fulfilled woman is irresistible. Be that woman that exudes confidence. A woman that any guy would have a challenge keeping up with. The kind of woman who could take-or-leave a boyfriend; either way is fine with her.
posted by blahtsk at 1:43 PM on March 17, 2010

Seconding mmf (above). You have to look like you want attention and the rest. Men can tell it from a mile away. Forget about looks, makeup, fitness, clothes, etc. (I mean, they might be important, but definitely secondary.) It's a look in your eye, the way you talk, and the emotional contact you can make with people (men) even when you're talking about relatively inconsequential things. You obviously want a relationship, but you have to get that wanting out there.
BTW, 40 is not old.
posted by feelinggood at 9:42 PM on March 17, 2010

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