Should I take an apartment next to a coworker I'm attracted to?
March 13, 2010 8:08 AM Subscribe
Should I take an apartment next to a coworker I'm attracted to?
I'm a 27-year-old guy who has been pretty socially isolated for years. Although I was relatively normal, successful and friendly in high school and my first two years of college, in my junior year I was crippled by depression. I eventually muddled through and graduated (after transferring and taking two extra years), but saw a permanent change in my personality and haven't dated or really had any friends ever since.
That is, until seven months ago, when I started a new job (I'm a computer programmer). I love my new job, I'm good at it, and everyone in my office thinks I'm a superstar. And as my professional success has improved my self-esteem, I've come out of my shell a little and feel like parts of my old personality have started to resurface. For the first time in six years, I'm being invited to parties, bars and dinner with friends. But I'm not totally over my shyness and self-consciousness- I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks.
This had caused some unfortunate awkwardness between the only female member of our group and me. Early on, while I was still warming up to everyone, I got a crush on her, felt bad about it, and basically weirded her out by being overly self-critical and apologetic, and avoiding conversation and eye-contact with her. After a few weeks I got over it, got some confidence, and started becoming better friends with everyone in the group, including her.
She and I have started getting along a lot better over the last few weeks in particular, joking around and sharing more about our personal lives. We've both been looking for new apartments, and would chat about our searches from time to time- she was planning to move into Baltimore to save some money on rent, while I was checking out places in some of the suburbs a little farther south, closer to the office. Then in the office last Tuesday, she said she was stepping out for an hour to view an apartment, and asked if I wanted to come. I was surprised, but said sure, and on the drive over she explained that she'd actually already lived in this community (a suburb south of Baltimore) a few years ago, really liked it, and was pretty sure she was going to move back. During the viewing and drive back, she basically talked the place up as much as she could, strongly encouraged me to move there ("Just do it!", "Be spontaneous!"), noted that it would be nice to already have a friend there, and even suggested carpooling to work together. The leasing agent we spoke to said that I'd need to act very soon, or I'd lose the unit I was considering, and wouldn't be able to find another for several months.
I was internally shocked and ecstatic at this, but said I'd research it more that night before deciding. I did, and because it got great reviews and I really liked the apartment (a small two bedroom, just because I wanted the extra space), I went in to apply the next morning. She went in at noon to do the same, and when she came back noted that the apartment she'd originally considered was currently being occupied by someone she knew wouldn't have taken care of it, so instead would be moving into the only other unit of that type that would be available in her timeframe, and as it happened, it was right next to mine ("We're going to be neighbors!"). This floored me again, which is where the trouble begins.
All of this got me pretty worked up emotionally, and I started withdrawing again. While talking on the phone to her that night about something else, I asked if she was sure that she was ok with living next to me- she sounded a little annoyed and said she wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been. I asked another coworker- her best friend in the office, and who was probably a little jealous of me- if he thought I should move in, and he tried to discourage me from living there. She also noted while talking about this with me and the third coworker that she wasn't crazy about living next door to a coworker, but said "but what can you do." She also noted that I'd said that I was thinking about transferring into one of the renovated units in a few months when one became available, so we might not have to live next to each other for that long anyway.
Worried by that, on the way out of the office, I asked her again yesterday if she was sure she was ok with this. She said that I worry way too much about everything (true), then said that we'd have to have some guidelines, such as not coming over without checking first by phone or email or whatnot, not sharing each other's personal lives with others, etc. And she awkwardly said something like "Your business is your business, my business is my business, and there's never going to be anything", which I think was an oblique way of saying that there would never be a romantic relationship between us. I basically just nodded and agreed to all this without contributing anything myself. And it's true- although I really like her, I know that a relationship isn't in the cards for several reasons, and I'm ok with that. But I'll still be crushed if we can't at least be decent friends.
So my question is- should I move in as planned (within the next few days, actually), take a one-bedroom in the same community instead, or just live somewhere else entirely (it's a nice community, but I'm not as enthusiastic about it as she is)? Taking a one-bedroom would allow us to live in the same community as originally planned without the potential associated awkwardness of being right next door. But she's asked me to stop worrying about this and doesn't like drama, and doing that would definitely qualify as increasing the drama level. So I'm leaning towards just continuing as planned, doing my best to be a good friend, maybe apologizing for some of the unnecessary drama I've caused (although she's getting tired of me apologizing for stuff too) and hoping for the best.
This whole question probably makes me seem like an incredible drama queen, but that's mainly just a reflection of the past four days. I'm thought of as friendly, funny and nice in the office, and am never remotely this stressed out. That said, I'm going to look into finding a therapist.
Thanks in advance!
I'm a 27-year-old guy who has been pretty socially isolated for years. Although I was relatively normal, successful and friendly in high school and my first two years of college, in my junior year I was crippled by depression. I eventually muddled through and graduated (after transferring and taking two extra years), but saw a permanent change in my personality and haven't dated or really had any friends ever since.
That is, until seven months ago, when I started a new job (I'm a computer programmer). I love my new job, I'm good at it, and everyone in my office thinks I'm a superstar. And as my professional success has improved my self-esteem, I've come out of my shell a little and feel like parts of my old personality have started to resurface. For the first time in six years, I'm being invited to parties, bars and dinner with friends. But I'm not totally over my shyness and self-consciousness- I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks.
This had caused some unfortunate awkwardness between the only female member of our group and me. Early on, while I was still warming up to everyone, I got a crush on her, felt bad about it, and basically weirded her out by being overly self-critical and apologetic, and avoiding conversation and eye-contact with her. After a few weeks I got over it, got some confidence, and started becoming better friends with everyone in the group, including her.
She and I have started getting along a lot better over the last few weeks in particular, joking around and sharing more about our personal lives. We've both been looking for new apartments, and would chat about our searches from time to time- she was planning to move into Baltimore to save some money on rent, while I was checking out places in some of the suburbs a little farther south, closer to the office. Then in the office last Tuesday, she said she was stepping out for an hour to view an apartment, and asked if I wanted to come. I was surprised, but said sure, and on the drive over she explained that she'd actually already lived in this community (a suburb south of Baltimore) a few years ago, really liked it, and was pretty sure she was going to move back. During the viewing and drive back, she basically talked the place up as much as she could, strongly encouraged me to move there ("Just do it!", "Be spontaneous!"), noted that it would be nice to already have a friend there, and even suggested carpooling to work together. The leasing agent we spoke to said that I'd need to act very soon, or I'd lose the unit I was considering, and wouldn't be able to find another for several months.
I was internally shocked and ecstatic at this, but said I'd research it more that night before deciding. I did, and because it got great reviews and I really liked the apartment (a small two bedroom, just because I wanted the extra space), I went in to apply the next morning. She went in at noon to do the same, and when she came back noted that the apartment she'd originally considered was currently being occupied by someone she knew wouldn't have taken care of it, so instead would be moving into the only other unit of that type that would be available in her timeframe, and as it happened, it was right next to mine ("We're going to be neighbors!"). This floored me again, which is where the trouble begins.
All of this got me pretty worked up emotionally, and I started withdrawing again. While talking on the phone to her that night about something else, I asked if she was sure that she was ok with living next to me- she sounded a little annoyed and said she wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been. I asked another coworker- her best friend in the office, and who was probably a little jealous of me- if he thought I should move in, and he tried to discourage me from living there. She also noted while talking about this with me and the third coworker that she wasn't crazy about living next door to a coworker, but said "but what can you do." She also noted that I'd said that I was thinking about transferring into one of the renovated units in a few months when one became available, so we might not have to live next to each other for that long anyway.
Worried by that, on the way out of the office, I asked her again yesterday if she was sure she was ok with this. She said that I worry way too much about everything (true), then said that we'd have to have some guidelines, such as not coming over without checking first by phone or email or whatnot, not sharing each other's personal lives with others, etc. And she awkwardly said something like "Your business is your business, my business is my business, and there's never going to be anything", which I think was an oblique way of saying that there would never be a romantic relationship between us. I basically just nodded and agreed to all this without contributing anything myself. And it's true- although I really like her, I know that a relationship isn't in the cards for several reasons, and I'm ok with that. But I'll still be crushed if we can't at least be decent friends.
So my question is- should I move in as planned (within the next few days, actually), take a one-bedroom in the same community instead, or just live somewhere else entirely (it's a nice community, but I'm not as enthusiastic about it as she is)? Taking a one-bedroom would allow us to live in the same community as originally planned without the potential associated awkwardness of being right next door. But she's asked me to stop worrying about this and doesn't like drama, and doing that would definitely qualify as increasing the drama level. So I'm leaning towards just continuing as planned, doing my best to be a good friend, maybe apologizing for some of the unnecessary drama I've caused (although she's getting tired of me apologizing for stuff too) and hoping for the best.
This whole question probably makes me seem like an incredible drama queen, but that's mainly just a reflection of the past four days. I'm thought of as friendly, funny and nice in the office, and am never remotely this stressed out. That said, I'm going to look into finding a therapist.
Thanks in advance!
Should I take an apartment next to a coworker I'm attracted to?
No, this will not end well.
posted by fixedgear at 8:12 AM on March 13, 2010
No, this will not end well.
posted by fixedgear at 8:12 AM on March 13, 2010
Response by poster: I forgot to note that during our conversation about this yesterday, she started off by saying "If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 8:15 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 8:15 AM on March 13, 2010
Ew, I was going to say no anyways but after a comment like that? This girl is seriously manipulative, and she knows how to push those gnarly buttons.
Not only would I avoid moving near her (you really do need separation from work to recharge your batteries), I would reevaluate my interactions with her. She sounds like trouble.
posted by Madamina at 8:20 AM on March 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
Not only would I avoid moving near her (you really do need separation from work to recharge your batteries), I would reevaluate my interactions with her. She sounds like trouble.
posted by Madamina at 8:20 AM on March 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
Live somewhere else entirely.
she started off by saying "If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
She's manipulating you. Whether she isn't very independent and wants friends close by, or wants to save money on gas, or whatever, she is manipulating you and using you.
Say you've rethought your budget or some other excuse, DON'T APOLOGIZE ANYMORE, and look for another place. If she really is your friend, she'll understand and deal with it.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 8:20 AM on March 13, 2010 [8 favorites]
she started off by saying "If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
She's manipulating you. Whether she isn't very independent and wants friends close by, or wants to save money on gas, or whatever, she is manipulating you and using you.
Say you've rethought your budget or some other excuse, DON'T APOLOGIZE ANYMORE, and look for another place. If she really is your friend, she'll understand and deal with it.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 8:20 AM on March 13, 2010 [8 favorites]
No, no, no. Do not move in next door to her. But do ask her for a date if you want to.
posted by motsque at 8:20 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by motsque at 8:20 AM on March 13, 2010
And she awkwardly said something like "Your business is your business, my business is my business, and there's never going to be anything", which I think was an oblique way of saying that there would never be a romantic relationship between us.
If you are truly, honestly good with that, then go ahead and move in. You've made a new friend!
However, from the tone of your post I suspect you are not truly, honestly good with that. In which case I would suggest you skip the inevitable drama and give this one a pass.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:21 AM on March 13, 2010
If you are truly, honestly good with that, then go ahead and move in. You've made a new friend!
However, from the tone of your post I suspect you are not truly, honestly good with that. In which case I would suggest you skip the inevitable drama and give this one a pass.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:21 AM on March 13, 2010
Sounds like a lot of drama for little payoff-- and possibly a strained working relationship with someone. You can still be friends with her even if you don't live next door-- heck, I have plenty of friends I don't live next door to, and it works out just fine!
posted by airguitar2 at 8:22 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by airguitar2 at 8:22 AM on March 13, 2010
It is a slippery road to go down where you are friends with someone you are attracted to, be that physical attraction or their personality. Just don't. At some point you or her will be drinking together and something very bad will happen that will make one of you want to leave the job.
"Your business is your business, my business is my business, and there's never going to be anything". Leave it at that. If you have an attraction to this person but there will never be anything with them then start making your distance now and don't even have lunch together.
posted by zombieApoc at 8:24 AM on March 13, 2010
"Your business is your business, my business is my business, and there's never going to be anything". Leave it at that. If you have an attraction to this person but there will never be anything with them then start making your distance now and don't even have lunch together.
posted by zombieApoc at 8:24 AM on March 13, 2010
Nthing 'no.' If you do this, you *will* regret it later. Find someplace else. Also, peanut butter milkshake is right: stop apologizing. You are not helping yourself by doing so.
Also, living close won't help with the friendship thing. Good relationships require good boundaries, and this situation is going to muddy those.
posted by mordax at 8:25 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, living close won't help with the friendship thing. Good relationships require good boundaries, and this situation is going to muddy those.
posted by mordax at 8:25 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're already this worked up beforehand, I can't imagine actually living next door to her will help. As coworkers, you can go home and get away from each other, and when you feel the need to retreat into your own head and calm down for a bit you can do so quietly and unobtrusively. But if you're neighbors? Your efforts to keep yourself grounded would be much ore difficult to hide from her, which could make you feel self-conscious and her very uncomfortable, and any fallout from misunderstandings between you would be tricky and awkward to avoid.
This coworker strikes me as being a little impulsive, and it's possible she's not thinking this through. She may already be regretting her rashness but, for her own reasons, is reluctant to go back on her word or appear indecisive or disingenuous. She also seems to be unsure as to exactly what boundaries she wants with you. And it doesn't sound like you're particularly well-suited to being the one to set crystal clear boundaries and relentlessly enforce them, which would be key in a living situation like the one you're describing.
TL;DR: I think you're setting yourself up for an awful lot of drama, and that's not going to make your personal or professional life any easier.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:27 AM on March 13, 2010
This coworker strikes me as being a little impulsive, and it's possible she's not thinking this through. She may already be regretting her rashness but, for her own reasons, is reluctant to go back on her word or appear indecisive or disingenuous. She also seems to be unsure as to exactly what boundaries she wants with you. And it doesn't sound like you're particularly well-suited to being the one to set crystal clear boundaries and relentlessly enforce them, which would be key in a living situation like the one you're describing.
TL;DR: I think you're setting yourself up for an awful lot of drama, and that's not going to make your personal or professional life any easier.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:27 AM on March 13, 2010
Also, this:
I forgot to note that during our conversation about this yesterday, she started off by saying "If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
Is setting off klaxons of BAD GODDAMN SCENE in my head.
You're not dating, nor are you super-close friends who've been planning a move like this for some time. You're coworkers who made a series of impulsive decisions. If she isn't willing to move into this apartment complex with or without you along, then she shouldn't have acted so rashly. If she just wants to strongarm you into being her apartment buddy, then she's being unfair and unkind and you probably don't want to get sucked any further into this situation than you already are.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:32 AM on March 13, 2010
I forgot to note that during our conversation about this yesterday, she started off by saying "If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
Is setting off klaxons of BAD GODDAMN SCENE in my head.
You're not dating, nor are you super-close friends who've been planning a move like this for some time. You're coworkers who made a series of impulsive decisions. If she isn't willing to move into this apartment complex with or without you along, then she shouldn't have acted so rashly. If she just wants to strongarm you into being her apartment buddy, then she's being unfair and unkind and you probably don't want to get sucked any further into this situation than you already are.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:32 AM on March 13, 2010
On second thought, don't ask her for a date. And still don't move in next door.
posted by motsque at 8:32 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by motsque at 8:32 AM on March 13, 2010
If you have to write 8 paragraphs of text asking strangers on the internet if something is a good idea or not, then it's probably not a good idea.
She will "fucking kill you"? If that's not a sign that you should flee, I don't know what is.
posted by Solomon at 8:40 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
She will "fucking kill you"? If that's not a sign that you should flee, I don't know what is.
posted by Solomon at 8:40 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
"If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
You don't need to use this as the basis for a decision that will have a major impact on your life.
Living next to someone you a) see every day, and b) are attracted to, is a recipe for drama (see: college). What happens when she brings someone home? Or when you bring someone home? Or when you meet someone new and want to even consider inviting her over? What happens when you suspect your coworker/neighbor is home alone--do you sit in your apartment pining rather than go out and meet new people? For that matter, what incentive do you have to branch out and meet new people if she's right next door?
Having an unreciprocated crush on a coworker isn't the end of the world. It's manageable. You and she may be able to be friends, or not, but regardless maintain your professional relationship and have privacy from each other when you go home. If you create a situation in which you spend nearly 24 hours a day in relative proximity, you're asking for trouble.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:41 AM on March 13, 2010
You don't need to use this as the basis for a decision that will have a major impact on your life.
Living next to someone you a) see every day, and b) are attracted to, is a recipe for drama (see: college). What happens when she brings someone home? Or when you bring someone home? Or when you meet someone new and want to even consider inviting her over? What happens when you suspect your coworker/neighbor is home alone--do you sit in your apartment pining rather than go out and meet new people? For that matter, what incentive do you have to branch out and meet new people if she's right next door?
Having an unreciprocated crush on a coworker isn't the end of the world. It's manageable. You and she may be able to be friends, or not, but regardless maintain your professional relationship and have privacy from each other when you go home. If you create a situation in which you spend nearly 24 hours a day in relative proximity, you're asking for trouble.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:41 AM on March 13, 2010
If you have an attraction to this person but there will never be anything with them then start making your distance now and don't even have lunch together.
Yeah, why on earth would you actually want to talk to a girl who won't fuck you! Disgusting!
How would you feel you'd become good friends with a guy co-worker and then he was all like "Dude, we should move into this same apt building together, it would be awesome!" (Assume neither one of you is gay) would you get all freaked out about it? So, why would you get freaked out about this?
Yeah, there might be drama. But who cares? What's the worst that could happen here? I mean seriously? As long as you don't date you're not going to end up with a broken heart or anything.
I think perhaps you two are in a negative feedback loop. You're each trying to make the other person not worry that you're trying to date them and feel comfortable by trying to seem like you're not that interested which in turn makes the other person feel like they're less interested and so on.
So you know what? I say DO IT Could there be complications? Obviously. But you know what? You only live once, take some risks. You could end up with a good friend you can hang out with. Maybe you'll end up dating each other. Maybe you'll end up hating each other. Who cares?
posted by delmoi at 8:44 AM on March 13, 2010
Yeah, why on earth would you actually want to talk to a girl who won't fuck you! Disgusting!
How would you feel you'd become good friends with a guy co-worker and then he was all like "Dude, we should move into this same apt building together, it would be awesome!" (Assume neither one of you is gay) would you get all freaked out about it? So, why would you get freaked out about this?
Yeah, there might be drama. But who cares? What's the worst that could happen here? I mean seriously? As long as you don't date you're not going to end up with a broken heart or anything.
I think perhaps you two are in a negative feedback loop. You're each trying to make the other person not worry that you're trying to date them and feel comfortable by trying to seem like you're not that interested which in turn makes the other person feel like they're less interested and so on.
So you know what? I say DO IT Could there be complications? Obviously. But you know what? You only live once, take some risks. You could end up with a good friend you can hang out with. Maybe you'll end up dating each other. Maybe you'll end up hating each other. Who cares?
posted by delmoi at 8:44 AM on March 13, 2010
I think the "Fucking kill you" thing was a joke, people. Was she serious? If she was serious then that's problematic.
posted by delmoi at 8:45 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by delmoi at 8:45 AM on March 13, 2010
Response by poster: I forgot to make clear that I could transfer to another apartment in 4-5 months once another two-bedroom becomes available. I've already indicated that I'm interested in doing this. Given that she actually wouldn't move in for another two months, we'd only have to live next door for 2-3 months before I had an out if things aren't going well.
Also, the "fucking kill you" line was meant mainly in exasperation that I kept being a worrywart by bringing this topic up, and because everyone in our office swears a lot. She's really a very nice person, and if I actually told her I was backing out because I was uncomfortable with the situation, she'll probably think I'm a little crazy, but will deal with it maturely.
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 8:47 AM on March 13, 2010
Also, the "fucking kill you" line was meant mainly in exasperation that I kept being a worrywart by bringing this topic up, and because everyone in our office swears a lot. She's really a very nice person, and if I actually told her I was backing out because I was uncomfortable with the situation, she'll probably think I'm a little crazy, but will deal with it maturely.
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 8:47 AM on March 13, 2010
she started off by saying "If you change your mind on this I will fucking kill you."
A lot of people seem to be making a big deal about this, but honestly a lot depends on the way it was said. This isn't a random stranger talking, this is a person the OP has known and been in close proximity to for seven months.
I have threatened to fucking kill my friends on many occasions and they have threatened to fucking kill me. Example: I was traveling in Greece and thought about extending my stay which would have caused me to miss a friend's 10th wedding anniversary. His comment "If you skip out on this I will fucking kill you."
Sure it's manipulative. Almost as manipulative as saying "It's really important to me that you be here."
In any case, my original advice still stands. Only do this if you are 100% comfortable with not pursuing anything romantic with this woman.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:54 AM on March 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
A lot of people seem to be making a big deal about this, but honestly a lot depends on the way it was said. This isn't a random stranger talking, this is a person the OP has known and been in close proximity to for seven months.
I have threatened to fucking kill my friends on many occasions and they have threatened to fucking kill me. Example: I was traveling in Greece and thought about extending my stay which would have caused me to miss a friend's 10th wedding anniversary. His comment "If you skip out on this I will fucking kill you."
Sure it's manipulative. Almost as manipulative as saying "It's really important to me that you be here."
In any case, my original advice still stands. Only do this if you are 100% comfortable with not pursuing anything romantic with this woman.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:54 AM on March 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Upon non preview, what you said :-)
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:54 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:54 AM on March 13, 2010
Do NOT do this, you're only asking for trouble. Also, stop apologizing for your behaviour and if she gets pushy call her on her manipulation.
posted by gadha at 9:00 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by gadha at 9:00 AM on March 13, 2010
I picked up on her joke because it seemed like you might be taking her opinion or feelings into account in making this decision. Like somehow because she's called you out on being a worrywart you forfeit the right to make the best choice for yourself.
Living next to a coworker whom you actively have a crush on, who has explicitly told you she is not interested in any romantic future with you is a bad idea, period. You do not need to test this out for 2-3 months in order to determine whether or not it's a good idea.
You don't need to do a lot of explaining, and you don't need to get her approval. "I decided that that apartment wasn't right for me, so I won't be taking it," is sufficient. Or, "I decided I wasn't comfortable living next door to a coworker," if you want to be more transparent.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:01 AM on March 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Living next to a coworker whom you actively have a crush on, who has explicitly told you she is not interested in any romantic future with you is a bad idea, period. You do not need to test this out for 2-3 months in order to determine whether or not it's a good idea.
You don't need to do a lot of explaining, and you don't need to get her approval. "I decided that that apartment wasn't right for me, so I won't be taking it," is sufficient. Or, "I decided I wasn't comfortable living next door to a coworker," if you want to be more transparent.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:01 AM on March 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
there's never going to be anything", which I think was an oblique way of saying that there would never be a romantic relationship between us
I'm trying to figure out what part of that is "oblique" because nothing about it is.
posted by The Deej at 9:08 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm trying to figure out what part of that is "oblique" because nothing about it is.
posted by The Deej at 9:08 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know, she created this whole situation, so you would be justified in moving in anyway. That said, I would only do this move if you resolve absolutely to transfer to another apartment in 4 - 5 months. That must be non-negotiable in your mind and hers. That said, given your feelings for her, even a couple of months next door would kind of seem like my idea of torture/hell, and really not something I would want to put myself through, if I were in your shoes (and listen to what Meg_Murry said in both comments - those are wise words).
The compromise position on this (and what I myself would do in your position, if this is feasible for you) would be to tell her, you know what, I want to live in this complex but I really don't want to have to move twice, so on second thought I am just going to wait 4-5 months till one of the renovated units is available and move in then. Then be sure to pick a unit not too close to hers.
posted by gudrun at 9:09 AM on March 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
The compromise position on this (and what I myself would do in your position, if this is feasible for you) would be to tell her, you know what, I want to live in this complex but I really don't want to have to move twice, so on second thought I am just going to wait 4-5 months till one of the renovated units is available and move in then. Then be sure to pick a unit not too close to hers.
posted by gudrun at 9:09 AM on March 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
This seems like a pretty terrible idea all around. If you really want to live there, at least wait until the renovated ones are available.
Incidentally, is it possible that she will be receiving some kind of special deal on her rent, or maybe a cash bonus, for having "recommended a friend" to the complex? That might explain her insistence that you not change your mind.
posted by elizardbits at 9:19 AM on March 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
Incidentally, is it possible that she will be receiving some kind of special deal on her rent, or maybe a cash bonus, for having "recommended a friend" to the complex? That might explain her insistence that you not change your mind.
posted by elizardbits at 9:19 AM on March 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
If she knows you like her, but she doesn't ever want to date you, why is she torturing you by asking you to move in next door? That's just weird. Sounds like this girl likes the attention. Even if she really just likes you a lot as a friend and wants to be good friends, she has to know how cruel that is.
posted by ishotjr at 9:37 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 9:37 AM on March 13, 2010
Also, the "fucking kill you" line was meant mainly in exasperation
Yeah, but it also expresses belief that your decision affects her life and that she has some right to be annoyed if you don't do as she wants you to. You need to make the decision that is best for you, period. What works for her has nothing to do with that. A couple weeks of nascent friendship is not basis for her to have a stake in your decision-making.
She's giving mixed signals about enjoying your attention while intending to limit how much she'll reciprocate. Getting close to one's unrequited crush, let alone running into her constantly and perhaps hear periodic happy noises come through the wall at night, is a recipe for misery. Don't do it. If friendship is in the cards, the kind that's mature and mutual, the best shot you have at that is by living elsewhere.
She and I have started getting along a lot better over the last few weeks in particular, joking around and sharing more about our personal lives...strongly encouraged me to move there...[she selected the apartment] right next to mine ("We're going to be neighbors!"). ...I asked if she was sure that she was ok with living next to me...[she] said she wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been...her best friend in the office, and who was probably a little jealous of me...tried to discourage me from living there. She...[told] the third coworker that she wasn't crazy about living next door to a coworker, but said "but what can you do."
Apartment matters aside, you are going experience a lot of messiness if you pursue any relationship with her beyond cordial professionalism. Take heed of the many warning signs (of which this is just a few) that she's got poor relationship management skills. Surely you deserve better friendship prospects than what she can offer you.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 9:46 AM on March 13, 2010
Yeah, but it also expresses belief that your decision affects her life and that she has some right to be annoyed if you don't do as she wants you to. You need to make the decision that is best for you, period. What works for her has nothing to do with that. A couple weeks of nascent friendship is not basis for her to have a stake in your decision-making.
She's giving mixed signals about enjoying your attention while intending to limit how much she'll reciprocate. Getting close to one's unrequited crush, let alone running into her constantly and perhaps hear periodic happy noises come through the wall at night, is a recipe for misery. Don't do it. If friendship is in the cards, the kind that's mature and mutual, the best shot you have at that is by living elsewhere.
She and I have started getting along a lot better over the last few weeks in particular, joking around and sharing more about our personal lives...strongly encouraged me to move there...[she selected the apartment] right next to mine ("We're going to be neighbors!"). ...I asked if she was sure that she was ok with living next to me...[she] said she wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been...her best friend in the office, and who was probably a little jealous of me...tried to discourage me from living there. She...[told] the third coworker that she wasn't crazy about living next door to a coworker, but said "but what can you do."
Apartment matters aside, you are going experience a lot of messiness if you pursue any relationship with her beyond cordial professionalism. Take heed of the many warning signs (of which this is just a few) that she's got poor relationship management skills. Surely you deserve better friendship prospects than what she can offer you.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 9:46 AM on March 13, 2010
From personal experience, I would not do this. Years ago, I dated someone who I met at work (not even the same team or department), who I later found out lived in the same building as I did. At the time it seemed great, but the proximity meant that the relationship progressed way too quickly and was extremely awkward and stressful once it ended.
posted by cosmic.osmo at 9:56 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by cosmic.osmo at 9:56 AM on March 13, 2010
I can't tell what kind of person she is because your post indicates to me you've been isolated for a while and your definition of "nice" might be a bit...ahem...skewed.
First of all, the fact you are asking her if she's ok with this, then asking us if you should do this, tells me you don't know what you want. What do YOU want to do? What does your intuition or gut tell you to do? This could be messy, but it also result in an acceptable situation. It will depend, ultimately on a number of factors, probably 99 out of 100 which are your control.
The point is that you feel good about your decision, whatever it is, because you thought it was honestly the best one, not due to anybody else pressuring you and you trying to accomodate them.
If you need time to think about it, say so. There's a good test of potential friendship right there. Moving somewhere, while not exactly a huge commitment, still requires a lot of energy and time investment (at least for old fogies like me...maybe all your belongings are in a backpack...lucky you).
Point is, get a feel for what YOU think. And respect that. You're the one living next to her, in that particular unit, not us.
posted by thisperon at 10:12 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
First of all, the fact you are asking her if she's ok with this, then asking us if you should do this, tells me you don't know what you want. What do YOU want to do? What does your intuition or gut tell you to do? This could be messy, but it also result in an acceptable situation. It will depend, ultimately on a number of factors, probably 99 out of 100 which are your control.
The point is that you feel good about your decision, whatever it is, because you thought it was honestly the best one, not due to anybody else pressuring you and you trying to accomodate them.
If you need time to think about it, say so. There's a good test of potential friendship right there. Moving somewhere, while not exactly a huge commitment, still requires a lot of energy and time investment (at least for old fogies like me...maybe all your belongings are in a backpack...lucky you).
Point is, get a feel for what YOU think. And respect that. You're the one living next to her, in that particular unit, not us.
posted by thisperon at 10:12 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
And she awkwardly said something like "Your business is your business, my business is my business, and there's never going to be anything", which I think was an oblique way of saying that there would never be a romantic relationship between us.
Assumes facts not in evidence.
Repeat after me, 1,000,000 times--"I cannot read minds. The only way to know what people think about me is to ask."
posted by Ironmouth at 10:13 AM on March 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Assumes facts not in evidence.
Repeat after me, 1,000,000 times--"I cannot read minds. The only way to know what people think about me is to ask."
posted by Ironmouth at 10:13 AM on March 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
"noted that it would be nice to already have a friend there, and even suggested carpooling to work together."
^ As I read your post, this jumped out at me as "she wants to and it won't be awkward."
"haven't dated or really had any friends ever since."
This also jumped out. Try something new! You've got what sounds like a good friendship (and possibly more) developing here. If you've been pretty isolated since college, then it sounds like staying isolated is your comfort zone--and so of course you have some worries and doubts about how this could play out. Worst case scenario, she's a bit crazy and you move away in a few months. How likely do you think that is, and is it worth that risk to potentially continue developing a good friendship?
I'll second Tell Me No Lies that the "fucking kill you" line depends on how it was said and might not be that big of a deal--did she come off as crazy and aggressive or was it in a playful way? That is obviously a factor to consider.
posted by jgunsch at 10:18 AM on March 13, 2010
^ As I read your post, this jumped out at me as "she wants to and it won't be awkward."
"haven't dated or really had any friends ever since."
This also jumped out. Try something new! You've got what sounds like a good friendship (and possibly more) developing here. If you've been pretty isolated since college, then it sounds like staying isolated is your comfort zone--and so of course you have some worries and doubts about how this could play out. Worst case scenario, she's a bit crazy and you move away in a few months. How likely do you think that is, and is it worth that risk to potentially continue developing a good friendship?
I'll second Tell Me No Lies that the "fucking kill you" line depends on how it was said and might not be that big of a deal--did she come off as crazy and aggressive or was it in a playful way? That is obviously a factor to consider.
posted by jgunsch at 10:18 AM on March 13, 2010
what do YOU want to do? do YOU want to live next door to her? do YOU want to move into this community? check in with your own feelings instead of trying to second guess hers.
posted by zoesmom at 10:42 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zoesmom at 10:42 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I guess the question is, do you really have a crush on her, or is this just a case of her being "the only female member of our group," and thus the only available target for you to start experimenting with the idea of having those kinds of feelings about someone again, after your period of isolation. From the way you write about her, I'm tempted to think it's the latter. You don't sound besotted with so much as overwhelmed by her.
Basically, you have to be honest with yourself about whether you can really put aside any notion of her being anything more than a friend, or whether you'd be putting yourself in a situation where you'd be tempted to put yourself at her beck and call, hang around waiting for her to have time for you, and be jealous of any guy she brings around. You really don't want to be that guy.
On the other hand, if your "crush" on her wasn't really serious, and you can really buy into the whole friends/coworkers thing, than this actually seems like it could be a good situation. Although she sound a bit insensitive herself, you seem like you could stand to learn a little insensitivity, so maybe that's not a bad influence to have around. While it seems like she'd be a terrible person for you to have any sort of romantic entanglement with, she also sounds like she'd make a good "female wing man," as it were.
And don't worry too much about the being attracted to her part; it's ok to be attracted to your female friends. If guys were only platonic friends with women they weren't remotely attracted to, than no remotely attractive women would have any straight male friends. If it's just a matter of "yeah, if I met her at a bar, I'd totally want to do her" you're ok; if you find yourself looking longingly at her lips, or being captivated by the little bit of lace bra sticking out from under her business casual top, then it's definitely a no-go.
posted by patnasty at 11:08 AM on March 13, 2010
Basically, you have to be honest with yourself about whether you can really put aside any notion of her being anything more than a friend, or whether you'd be putting yourself in a situation where you'd be tempted to put yourself at her beck and call, hang around waiting for her to have time for you, and be jealous of any guy she brings around. You really don't want to be that guy.
On the other hand, if your "crush" on her wasn't really serious, and you can really buy into the whole friends/coworkers thing, than this actually seems like it could be a good situation. Although she sound a bit insensitive herself, you seem like you could stand to learn a little insensitivity, so maybe that's not a bad influence to have around. While it seems like she'd be a terrible person for you to have any sort of romantic entanglement with, she also sounds like she'd make a good "female wing man," as it were.
And don't worry too much about the being attracted to her part; it's ok to be attracted to your female friends. If guys were only platonic friends with women they weren't remotely attracted to, than no remotely attractive women would have any straight male friends. If it's just a matter of "yeah, if I met her at a bar, I'd totally want to do her" you're ok; if you find yourself looking longingly at her lips, or being captivated by the little bit of lace bra sticking out from under her business casual top, then it's definitely a no-go.
posted by patnasty at 11:08 AM on March 13, 2010
If you don't know how to get out of it, just say, "I have a crush on you." She should understand no further questions required.
posted by MiffyCLB at 11:27 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by MiffyCLB at 11:27 AM on March 13, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for all the advice, it's made me feel like the concerns I've been having over this were more justified than I'd realized. I just got back from the leasing office and contrary to what we were told on Tuesday, it appears that there may be a rennovated 2 bedroom in a different area of the community coming available in the next two weeks, which works with my schedule. They're going to call me back today, but if so, I think I'll just move there instead. She and I will be able to hang out whenever we want while still having much more privacy, and I won't even have to move twice.
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 11:37 AM on March 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 11:37 AM on March 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
The "fucking kill you part" is definitely a drop-kick that should have been mentioned in context, earlier. (OBJECTION YOUR HONOR! OBJECTION!)
Even without the above, I have grave misgivings. Basically, it's not normal for someone you just don't know that well to suddenly be trying to get you to live next door to them. Whether she's the real-life basis for "Single White Female" (movie) or just out to get 2 months of free rent for refering a friend, there's a reason for her wanting you there. Until you're real clear on what it is, I wouldn't sign a thing. I mean, do you honestlythink motive #1 this is the opening gambit in starting a relationship? How creepy would THAT be!
But OK, say you sign on the dotted line.
We can hope that everything goes great...but what if it doesn't? You literally won't have a place you can go to to get away from any bad situation...at home AND at work. And living in an inextricable high-stress interpersonal situation for an individual who's already been leveled by depression once? Don't get me started!
And how many rumors do you think this is going to spawn at work?
Is HR going to start looking at you funny too?
And last but not least: If everything goes wahooni-shaped, between ill-will and depression, do you think you'll manage to keep your job?
...gonna to turn off the big flashing red lights now...I'm sure you've gotten the idea...
In terms of trying to evaluate the feasibility of the proposal, this is what I think you should do: Take a deep breath, sit down, shove your wants and fantasies aside, and consider honestly whether you think that this is someone you might want to live with. WITH. Not near: Because that close, if it turns out she's bad with boundaries and rules, you two might as well be roommates.
Then, only if you've come to an honest "yes" (not YES IT WILL BE GREAT!, just "yes, this is someone I could give a year's chance to"), then factor your emotions back in: Ask yourself (1) "with these things that I'm feeling, will I be devastated if there's no additional interest?" and (2) "If this is going to be purely platonic, can I live next door to her without being creepy?" 1 can be hard to deal with, and 2 can be hard to do. And if you aren't able to contain/behave yourself in a platonic situation, you better believe everyone in the office will hear about it.
Again, if you can honestly confirm that you can cope with a non-romantic or even completely un-involved scenario (and do be honest. You can lie to everyone else, but it's YOU who's going to be miserable if it turns out you lied to yourself) --if you think you can do it, THEN you might consider sitting down with her and asking for straight answers about why she's suddenly so gung-ho about you that she wants you in the apartment next door. Who knows: It might really be about gas money. But I'd settle things in your own head before going to her.
If you back out now, I doubt she'd actually kill you, and cranky co-workers eventually find other things to worry about.* And do calculate in the ramifications for work. With a co-worker involved, I doubt it's zero, and could make for a handy excuse if you do decide to back out. (Maybe an HR consult? I don't know much about HRs, so I don't know if that would be asking for trouble. If you do, leave the emotions out, just stick with the facts.)
*Those who don't wouldn't have made good neighbors anyhow.
posted by Ys at 11:40 AM on March 13, 2010
Even without the above, I have grave misgivings. Basically, it's not normal for someone you just don't know that well to suddenly be trying to get you to live next door to them. Whether she's the real-life basis for "Single White Female" (movie) or just out to get 2 months of free rent for refering a friend, there's a reason for her wanting you there. Until you're real clear on what it is, I wouldn't sign a thing. I mean, do you honestlythink motive #1 this is the opening gambit in starting a relationship? How creepy would THAT be!
But OK, say you sign on the dotted line.
We can hope that everything goes great...but what if it doesn't? You literally won't have a place you can go to to get away from any bad situation...at home AND at work. And living in an inextricable high-stress interpersonal situation for an individual who's already been leveled by depression once? Don't get me started!
And how many rumors do you think this is going to spawn at work?
Is HR going to start looking at you funny too?
And last but not least: If everything goes wahooni-shaped, between ill-will and depression, do you think you'll manage to keep your job?
...gonna to turn off the big flashing red lights now...I'm sure you've gotten the idea...
In terms of trying to evaluate the feasibility of the proposal, this is what I think you should do: Take a deep breath, sit down, shove your wants and fantasies aside, and consider honestly whether you think that this is someone you might want to live with. WITH. Not near: Because that close, if it turns out she's bad with boundaries and rules, you two might as well be roommates.
Then, only if you've come to an honest "yes" (not YES IT WILL BE GREAT!, just "yes, this is someone I could give a year's chance to"), then factor your emotions back in: Ask yourself (1) "with these things that I'm feeling, will I be devastated if there's no additional interest?" and (2) "If this is going to be purely platonic, can I live next door to her without being creepy?" 1 can be hard to deal with, and 2 can be hard to do. And if you aren't able to contain/behave yourself in a platonic situation, you better believe everyone in the office will hear about it.
Again, if you can honestly confirm that you can cope with a non-romantic or even completely un-involved scenario (and do be honest. You can lie to everyone else, but it's YOU who's going to be miserable if it turns out you lied to yourself) --if you think you can do it, THEN you might consider sitting down with her and asking for straight answers about why she's suddenly so gung-ho about you that she wants you in the apartment next door. Who knows: It might really be about gas money. But I'd settle things in your own head before going to her.
If you back out now, I doubt she'd actually kill you, and cranky co-workers eventually find other things to worry about.* And do calculate in the ramifications for work. With a co-worker involved, I doubt it's zero, and could make for a handy excuse if you do decide to back out. (Maybe an HR consult? I don't know much about HRs, so I don't know if that would be asking for trouble. If you do, leave the emotions out, just stick with the facts.)
*Those who don't wouldn't have made good neighbors anyhow.
posted by Ys at 11:40 AM on March 13, 2010
Heh. She sounds a bit like me.
If she is, she's not trying to manipulate you. She's just impulsive (as someone noted above) and very enthusiastic about stuff. The talking-up-the-place on the way there - that's just chatter - she was not trying to sell it to you, she's just sharing the enthusiasm. Also perhaps socialized to be perky and unfailingly upbeat, as some girls are.
She probably thinks you're a decent guy, that having a decent guy who is also a coworker as a neighbour will be convenient for carpooling (as she's said), and is optimistic enough to think that having rules against dropping over unannounced and so on will be good enough to keep your lives separate. Which is probably true. I mean- how often do you see your neighbours in an apartment complex? They're not like dorms. You'll know when each other go out for work and when you come back, because you're carpooling, but nothing else unless you make it your business to know. It's not like you're going to go grocery shopping and adopt a kitten together, too.
Why is this a big deal? It's not like she'll be your roommate.
You're overthinking. Stop overthinking. However, if you think you can't stop, and that you'll invent a story in your imagination every time her door bangs at some odd hour, this might not be the arrangement for you.
posted by Xany at 11:52 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
If she is, she's not trying to manipulate you. She's just impulsive (as someone noted above) and very enthusiastic about stuff. The talking-up-the-place on the way there - that's just chatter - she was not trying to sell it to you, she's just sharing the enthusiasm. Also perhaps socialized to be perky and unfailingly upbeat, as some girls are.
She probably thinks you're a decent guy, that having a decent guy who is also a coworker as a neighbour will be convenient for carpooling (as she's said), and is optimistic enough to think that having rules against dropping over unannounced and so on will be good enough to keep your lives separate. Which is probably true. I mean- how often do you see your neighbours in an apartment complex? They're not like dorms. You'll know when each other go out for work and when you come back, because you're carpooling, but nothing else unless you make it your business to know. It's not like you're going to go grocery shopping and adopt a kitten together, too.
Why is this a big deal? It's not like she'll be your roommate.
You're overthinking. Stop overthinking. However, if you think you can't stop, and that you'll invent a story in your imagination every time her door bangs at some odd hour, this might not be the arrangement for you.
posted by Xany at 11:52 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oops. Should've previewed. Yeah, if they have a unit available somewhere else and it'll make you feel better, why not.
posted by Xany at 11:54 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by Xany at 11:54 AM on March 13, 2010
Generally rule of thumb for this sort of thing, for future reference: only live in close quarters with platonic friends if you don't mind hearing them fuck someone else's brains out. Hate to put it crudely, but there you go.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:53 PM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:53 PM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't do it. Your first priority should be to protect your mental well-being, which, as you've mentioned, is pretty vulnerable right now. The rule of thumb for getting over an unrequited crush is to restrict or eliminate contact, because continued interaction can crack even the most emotionally hardy individuals. If just the possibility of living next door to her has re-awakened old habits, what will actually living next door to her be like? If drama ensues, you'll have no escape. Ugh, I'm practically dry-heaving just thinking about it.
posted by granted at 2:56 PM on March 13, 2010
posted by granted at 2:56 PM on March 13, 2010
I think it was good that you came here to ask for advice. Going with your gut seems like common sense advice, but sometimes it can mislead you, especially if you don't have a lot of experience to draw upon. Getting outside opinions and points of view helps you consider things you might not have thought of otherwise. And who knows, maybe someone reading this will end up in the same situation down the line.
But as far as the original question goes, I agree with the sentiments that if you had moved in next-door, you'd have to be really confident you wouldn't mind if she ended up going out with some other guy. And on a tangential note, I'm sure that's that nagging feeling of wondering what would happen if you did ask her out in the future. But if it seems likely she's not open to it, use your new-found confidence with some other girl... who hopefully has a secure living situation.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 4:00 PM on March 13, 2010
But as far as the original question goes, I agree with the sentiments that if you had moved in next-door, you'd have to be really confident you wouldn't mind if she ended up going out with some other guy. And on a tangential note, I'm sure that's that nagging feeling of wondering what would happen if you did ask her out in the future. But if it seems likely she's not open to it, use your new-found confidence with some other girl... who hopefully has a secure living situation.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 4:00 PM on March 13, 2010
You're in denial about how infatuated you are with her. People don't put up with the kind of pressure she's laying on you (for huge life decision, even!) when they're not incredibly infatuated. I read some advice today. If you're ever in the situation where you are likely to become the limerent half of a limerent-and-non-limerent pair, there's one thing you can do: Run Like Hell.
People make strategic choices about who to be friends and who not to be friends with all the time. That doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make the people who you're not friends with bad people. Your coworker sounds kind of insecure, and so do you, which is a bad combo to begin with. Your coworker will retrigger your depression sooner or later. Do you want to lose up to three more years of your life to depression, or do you want to be happy? Sounds like it's time to broaden your social circle outside the mostly male computer worker sphere and start making new, uncomplicated friends and meeting potential dates.
posted by Skwirl at 5:20 PM on March 13, 2010
People make strategic choices about who to be friends and who not to be friends with all the time. That doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make the people who you're not friends with bad people. Your coworker sounds kind of insecure, and so do you, which is a bad combo to begin with. Your coworker will retrigger your depression sooner or later. Do you want to lose up to three more years of your life to depression, or do you want to be happy? Sounds like it's time to broaden your social circle outside the mostly male computer worker sphere and start making new, uncomplicated friends and meeting potential dates.
posted by Skwirl at 5:20 PM on March 13, 2010
On the drive over she explained that she'd actually already lived in this community (a suburb south of Baltimore) a few years ago, really liked it, and was pretty sure she was going to move back. During the viewing and drive back, she basically talked the place up as much as she could, strongly encouraged me to move there ("Just do it!", "Be spontaneous!")...
The leasing agent we spoke to said that I'd need to act very soon, or I'd lose the unit I was considering, and wouldn't be able to find another for several months.
All of the emotional rigamarole aside, it sounds to me like she might have been getting a finders fee for bringing in a new tenant: she talks it up on the way out, encourages you to be "spontaneous," and then the agent gives you the hard sell on snapping the unit up immediately. She will "fucking kill you" if you back out because it means giving up the $$$.
posted by googly at 5:21 PM on March 13, 2010
The leasing agent we spoke to said that I'd need to act very soon, or I'd lose the unit I was considering, and wouldn't be able to find another for several months.
All of the emotional rigamarole aside, it sounds to me like she might have been getting a finders fee for bringing in a new tenant: she talks it up on the way out, encourages you to be "spontaneous," and then the agent gives you the hard sell on snapping the unit up immediately. She will "fucking kill you" if you back out because it means giving up the $$$.
posted by googly at 5:21 PM on March 13, 2010
Never mind the potential-or-not-for-romance thing: I shared a flat with a co-worker for a year, and it got old really fast, sharing the commute to work, working in the same building and interacting all day, and then coming home together. (No romance involved at all; we were both women.) I started making excuses to stay late so I could just enjoy a train journey without making small talk; she started getting up extra-early so she could do the same.
Might be worth considering. Even the best of friends would find it a strain to be in each other's company so much.
posted by vickyverky at 5:35 PM on March 13, 2010
Might be worth considering. Even the best of friends would find it a strain to be in each other's company so much.
posted by vickyverky at 5:35 PM on March 13, 2010
Response by poster: Regarding the referral bonus, since several people have mentioned it: after getting back from the viewing, she mentioned that there was a $500 referral bonus, and said shed be willing to say that she was referred by me (since she'd be moving in second) so that I could get it. When I went in to apply, I asked the agent whether she could be given it, since in practice she really was referring me, even though she would move in later, and was told that would be fine. I mentioned this to my friend later that morning, and she thanked me. I'm not sure if I made the right decision, but either way, I really don't think the bonus mattered much to her at any point.
Also, she threatens to kill people regularly- it's part of her regular office banter. She said it a smile (though real annoyance), and I'm confident that she meant that in friendship, not anger. I promise that she really is a nice person- everyone in the office likes her, not just me.
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 6:25 PM on March 13, 2010
Also, she threatens to kill people regularly- it's part of her regular office banter. She said it a smile (though real annoyance), and I'm confident that she meant that in friendship, not anger. I promise that she really is a nice person- everyone in the office likes her, not just me.
posted by Gnarly Buttons at 6:25 PM on March 13, 2010
You two should be splitting the referral bonus.
posted by hazyjane at 1:26 AM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 1:26 AM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm really glad there's a different option close by, and that you're taking it.
It's great that things have gotten better for you in terms of self-confidence and feeling good, but I want gently suggest that you pay attention to how much other peoples feelings and desires influence your feelings.
Distance can be very useful, but being next door neighbors can also be useful, especially if the people know how to set, maintain and enforce boundaries. This situation didn't need to be so emotionally charged, and your overall focus should have been about what's best for you, not how she feels or what she wants.
Oh! And I just reread your post, and caught the final part! Yes, find someone to talk to about this. Situations like these that seem exaggeratedly important definitely indicate areas that we need to work on... !!! Good luck with everything:)
posted by Locochona at 9:07 AM on March 14, 2010
It's great that things have gotten better for you in terms of self-confidence and feeling good, but I want gently suggest that you pay attention to how much other peoples feelings and desires influence your feelings.
Distance can be very useful, but being next door neighbors can also be useful, especially if the people know how to set, maintain and enforce boundaries. This situation didn't need to be so emotionally charged, and your overall focus should have been about what's best for you, not how she feels or what she wants.
Oh! And I just reread your post, and caught the final part! Yes, find someone to talk to about this. Situations like these that seem exaggeratedly important definitely indicate areas that we need to work on... !!! Good luck with everything:)
posted by Locochona at 9:07 AM on March 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by teamparka at 8:11 AM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]