How can I get a better job quickly to save my relationship?
March 12, 2010 7:07 AM Subscribe
I'm stuck. I'm 25, and I moved to Brooklyn 6 months ago with my girlfriend of 8 years. The plan was that I'd find a better job when we moved here, but I haven't been able to get one. Now my girlfriend is going to leave, and I don't know what to do.
While it's not completely about the money, that's one thing that has driven her to panic attacks about her own future. She's in grad school and is worried about her own mounting student loans and the money she'll not be able to pay back if she doesn't have someone to help support her next year (when she won't have any time to work due to school). My major financial commitments are my half of the rent and my own student loan payments. I'm trying to pay my loans off as quickly as possible, but I'm going to have to make smaller payments to get by. Never mind helping her pay for things if she can't work.
What it always comes down to is that I need a new job. I'm an introvert and have not been good at networking in the past, and along with the obviously shitty job market, I rarely even get an interview. But I send out applications daily and follow up as much as I can, and on days off I try to bring my resume to design studios in the city. So I don't think it's for lack of trying, though my girlfriend might tell you differently.
So I'm stuck at rather menial jobs. Before moving to NYC I went to a really good design school, then worked at a really large copy shop that had a design studio built in (so I basically worked at a small design studio). Because I had a full-time job I never pursued the lots of neat little freelance projects that allow a designer's portfolio to shine. I feel like the stigma of working at a copy shop without any flashy projects has followed me, so while I was able to get a copy shop (non-design) job easily when I came to Brooklyn, but haven't had any reaction from any "serious" design places.
I'm completely ashamed of myself, and have cut off ties with college friends because I'm embarrassed and it's not like I can afford to hang out anyways. And friends are probably some of the best people to be talking to if I'm looking for a network (not to mention I'd like to have some friends, especially for the inevitable nasty break-up). But I can't focus on that now, because networking takes time, and I need a job now.
I want desperately to save this relationship, but we've been growing apart for months, and she wants to move out. It's going to be a hell of an ordeal emotionally (and logistically) if she does, but I love her so I'll do everything I can not to see her suffer. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've been too ashamed to ask her to marry me, and now it's too late. Today is our eighth – and probably last – anniversary.
I feel like I've considered everything (I've heard so many career tips and still don't have anything resembling a career) and the only thing left is to keep applying to advertised jobs and getting my material to prospective employers. My girlfriend is lonely because we have been such a unit as a couple that we don't spend much time socially with others, and I work late while she's at home. Her #1 complaint is that I don't talk to her about our problems, but I have nothing new to say.
While it's not completely about the money, that's one thing that has driven her to panic attacks about her own future. She's in grad school and is worried about her own mounting student loans and the money she'll not be able to pay back if she doesn't have someone to help support her next year (when she won't have any time to work due to school). My major financial commitments are my half of the rent and my own student loan payments. I'm trying to pay my loans off as quickly as possible, but I'm going to have to make smaller payments to get by. Never mind helping her pay for things if she can't work.
What it always comes down to is that I need a new job. I'm an introvert and have not been good at networking in the past, and along with the obviously shitty job market, I rarely even get an interview. But I send out applications daily and follow up as much as I can, and on days off I try to bring my resume to design studios in the city. So I don't think it's for lack of trying, though my girlfriend might tell you differently.
So I'm stuck at rather menial jobs. Before moving to NYC I went to a really good design school, then worked at a really large copy shop that had a design studio built in (so I basically worked at a small design studio). Because I had a full-time job I never pursued the lots of neat little freelance projects that allow a designer's portfolio to shine. I feel like the stigma of working at a copy shop without any flashy projects has followed me, so while I was able to get a copy shop (non-design) job easily when I came to Brooklyn, but haven't had any reaction from any "serious" design places.
I'm completely ashamed of myself, and have cut off ties with college friends because I'm embarrassed and it's not like I can afford to hang out anyways. And friends are probably some of the best people to be talking to if I'm looking for a network (not to mention I'd like to have some friends, especially for the inevitable nasty break-up). But I can't focus on that now, because networking takes time, and I need a job now.
I want desperately to save this relationship, but we've been growing apart for months, and she wants to move out. It's going to be a hell of an ordeal emotionally (and logistically) if she does, but I love her so I'll do everything I can not to see her suffer. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've been too ashamed to ask her to marry me, and now it's too late. Today is our eighth – and probably last – anniversary.
I feel like I've considered everything (I've heard so many career tips and still don't have anything resembling a career) and the only thing left is to keep applying to advertised jobs and getting my material to prospective employers. My girlfriend is lonely because we have been such a unit as a couple that we don't spend much time socially with others, and I work late while she's at home. Her #1 complaint is that I don't talk to her about our problems, but I have nothing new to say.
Getting a better job is not the key to saving your relationship. They are two different issues. It sounds like you're doing all you can to get the job you want, but like you're not getting much support from the one person who is really supposed to have your back, and also like you have major self-esteem issues (I guarantee you that your friends don't really care how your career is going except to the extent that it effects your happiness... And too ashamed to propose... Huh?). I think you have bigger problems with your relationship then your career, and if that really is your girlfriend's big issue with you, then you're better off without her.
She's in grad school and is worried about her own mounting student loans and the money she'll not be able to pay back if she doesn't have someone to help support her next year (when she won't have any time to work due to school).
This is NOT your responsibility. If she's in grad school, she can defer college loan repayment. Plenty of people put themselves through school without any outside support.
posted by amro at 7:21 AM on March 12, 2010 [17 favorites]
She's in grad school and is worried about her own mounting student loans and the money she'll not be able to pay back if she doesn't have someone to help support her next year (when she won't have any time to work due to school).
This is NOT your responsibility. If she's in grad school, she can defer college loan repayment. Plenty of people put themselves through school without any outside support.
posted by amro at 7:21 AM on March 12, 2010 [17 favorites]
I guess there are a few things about your question I don't understand. It sounds like if you can't afford to support her through school, then she will leave you. But will she then return to work herself, and put school off until she can afford it?
Is the reason she wants to move out really the fact that she is unhappy with your job?
Also, you want a career, as you say in your followup. But it's not like you're gonna get a phone call one day and then be able to say, "Hey guess what? I got the career!" No, you're gonna say, "I got the job!" And then the job and the jobs that follow form a career.
I suppose you should have more conversations with her about it. It will remove some of the apprehension you both feel. If you find yourself repeating answers, that's okay; you're still communicating.
posted by chrillsicka at 7:21 AM on March 12, 2010
Is the reason she wants to move out really the fact that she is unhappy with your job?
Also, you want a career, as you say in your followup. But it's not like you're gonna get a phone call one day and then be able to say, "Hey guess what? I got the career!" No, you're gonna say, "I got the job!" And then the job and the jobs that follow form a career.
I suppose you should have more conversations with her about it. It will remove some of the apprehension you both feel. If you find yourself repeating answers, that's okay; you're still communicating.
posted by chrillsicka at 7:21 AM on March 12, 2010
I'm also not sure what your question is--how to network? How to move from jobs to a career? How to save your relationship?
posted by box at 7:23 AM on March 12, 2010
posted by box at 7:23 AM on March 12, 2010
I've got no advice on the job side. Being a working-stiff designer in New York City right now is just rough times. Keep plugging away. Things will get better, probably.
But on the relationship side, wisdom comes cheap.
If she's actually considering leaving you to find someone who can support her better, as you imply, she just doesn't love you as much as you love her, even if she used to.
You might well be imputing such motives, however, and you need to be clear about how much of that is your anxiety and how much of that is her clear signaling that she has already moved on in her mind (because if that is her explicit thought -- there are richer guys out there -- you're toast already).
If you're imputing such thinking to her as a way to deflect responsibility for your own shortcomings as a partner, and she isn't really already gone, nothing could be more alienating and you need to cut the poor-me shit or you'll make what you fear come true.
Been there, done that.
posted by fourcheesemac at 7:24 AM on March 12, 2010 [10 favorites]
But on the relationship side, wisdom comes cheap.
If she's actually considering leaving you to find someone who can support her better, as you imply, she just doesn't love you as much as you love her, even if she used to.
You might well be imputing such motives, however, and you need to be clear about how much of that is your anxiety and how much of that is her clear signaling that she has already moved on in her mind (because if that is her explicit thought -- there are richer guys out there -- you're toast already).
If you're imputing such thinking to her as a way to deflect responsibility for your own shortcomings as a partner, and she isn't really already gone, nothing could be more alienating and you need to cut the poor-me shit or you'll make what you fear come true.
Been there, done that.
posted by fourcheesemac at 7:24 AM on March 12, 2010 [10 favorites]
I'm not completely sure what's causing the career distress - is it that you can't make ends meet at your current job, or that it's eating up time that you'd rather spend with your girlfriend, or that it's unbearably boring/miserable, or are you just ashamed that the job's not prestigious or cool enough? It kind of sounds like the last one.
If you're miserable at your job, yes, get a new job. But the reality is that most people will go through a period of underemployment or unfulfillment at some point, because the really cool jobs are in high demand. If you went to a really good school, you're probably hearing a lot of success stories (and not so many of the still-at-Kinko's stories, because people aren't as vocal about those). And as you're seeing right now, being bitter or ashamed because you're not in one of the cool jobs is just going to sabotage you, because you're going to start resenting the people who are where you want to be and you'll be distancing yourself from them.
Chase your dreams, but don't hang your self-esteem on whether you succeed. That way lies madness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:25 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you're miserable at your job, yes, get a new job. But the reality is that most people will go through a period of underemployment or unfulfillment at some point, because the really cool jobs are in high demand. If you went to a really good school, you're probably hearing a lot of success stories (and not so many of the still-at-Kinko's stories, because people aren't as vocal about those). And as you're seeing right now, being bitter or ashamed because you're not in one of the cool jobs is just going to sabotage you, because you're going to start resenting the people who are where you want to be and you'll be distancing yourself from them.
Chase your dreams, but don't hang your self-esteem on whether you succeed. That way lies madness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:25 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
It really sounds like you're focused on pleasing the person at whatever cost to yourself (bad idea) and that desperation is causing you to make poor judgments like not talking to friends, which would be good for your mental health and for networking for possible jobs.
posted by anti social order at 7:26 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by anti social order at 7:26 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Let me get this straight: You have a job, just not a prestigious or high-paying one. And in one of the worst markets for creative professionals in who knows how long, your girlfriend is planning on leaving you because of it? Is that correct? I just want to make sure that's the primary issue.
Because later you say her number one complaint is that you don't talk about your problems. What are they? Is it your job? Is it the fact that you work at night? There is a lot going on here and frankly it sounds like she's already made up her mind and is just casting about for excuses. Moving here is tough and it changes people, and who even knows what's on her mind.
What you should remember is that even if you split up, you will be fine. Eight years is a long time, but it's not everything. It's fine. You'll be fine. I promise. I know you are probably getting panicky thinking about it, and that's okay too, but really, realistically, you'll be fine.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:29 AM on March 12, 2010 [6 favorites]
Because later you say her number one complaint is that you don't talk about your problems. What are they? Is it your job? Is it the fact that you work at night? There is a lot going on here and frankly it sounds like she's already made up her mind and is just casting about for excuses. Moving here is tough and it changes people, and who even knows what's on her mind.
What you should remember is that even if you split up, you will be fine. Eight years is a long time, but it's not everything. It's fine. You'll be fine. I promise. I know you are probably getting panicky thinking about it, and that's okay too, but really, realistically, you'll be fine.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:29 AM on March 12, 2010 [6 favorites]
If she wants to leave you because you haven't, despite trying very hard, found a job good enough to support her while she goes to school, then let her go. You're not in love with her; you're in love with the fantasy of a happy relationship which you do not, in fact, have.
You clearly have some genuine problems to work through, outside of the relationship itself. A bit of depression, perhaps? You need to forgive yourself for not being Mr. Perfect Artistic Success Story. Reconnect with your friends -- their lives probably aren't quite what they imagined at graduation either. Learn to tolerate seeing your girlfriend (this one, or any future one) unhappy. Crying is not dying. Comfort her, sure, and help her when you can, but don't take responsibility for keeping her happy at all times.
posted by jon1270 at 7:36 AM on March 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
You clearly have some genuine problems to work through, outside of the relationship itself. A bit of depression, perhaps? You need to forgive yourself for not being Mr. Perfect Artistic Success Story. Reconnect with your friends -- their lives probably aren't quite what they imagined at graduation either. Learn to tolerate seeing your girlfriend (this one, or any future one) unhappy. Crying is not dying. Comfort her, sure, and help her when you can, but don't take responsibility for keeping her happy at all times.
posted by jon1270 at 7:36 AM on March 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
I agree with others that this might not exactly be about your job. Your girlfriend's anxious about her future because she recognizes she's in a really precarious position. If you had agreed you'd help put her through school, and now you can't, that's lousy luck, but circumstances have changed. What doesn't make sense is that she's planning on leaving. Without any support from you, what's her plan? She ends up worse off financially than she is now. How would your providing the support change her reasons for wanting to leave?
I think there's something more here. It could be that she's not sure she is comfortable with the way you're coping with your job situation, and that makes her nervous about setting up a longterm future with you. It could be that she's become overwhelmed by her anxiety now that she's realized there is no net underneath her, nor is one likely to materialize in this economy. Perhaps she has in her mind that she could find someone else who could better support her, but....really? That's quite a gamble.
There's a relationship problem here, not just a job or money problem. That's what I think you might need to explore - and it might hurt to probe this. I feel awful for your situation, and I think this economy has caused a lot of relationship misery, as it throws a real wrench into people's hopes and plans. You both aren't alone in that. But it sounds like she's feeling maybe boxed in, insecure, and out of options - and in order to feel less anxious she does need to realize that she needs to take care of herself and her needs, not rely on you or anyone else to do so, or those feelings will never go away. Whether she realizes that now and works with you on it, or realizes it later down the road, or never realizes it and ends up making other relationship decisions based on someone else supporting her.
Good luck - I feel for ya.
posted by Miko at 7:37 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think there's something more here. It could be that she's not sure she is comfortable with the way you're coping with your job situation, and that makes her nervous about setting up a longterm future with you. It could be that she's become overwhelmed by her anxiety now that she's realized there is no net underneath her, nor is one likely to materialize in this economy. Perhaps she has in her mind that she could find someone else who could better support her, but....really? That's quite a gamble.
There's a relationship problem here, not just a job or money problem. That's what I think you might need to explore - and it might hurt to probe this. I feel awful for your situation, and I think this economy has caused a lot of relationship misery, as it throws a real wrench into people's hopes and plans. You both aren't alone in that. But it sounds like she's feeling maybe boxed in, insecure, and out of options - and in order to feel less anxious she does need to realize that she needs to take care of herself and her needs, not rely on you or anyone else to do so, or those feelings will never go away. Whether she realizes that now and works with you on it, or realizes it later down the road, or never realizes it and ends up making other relationship decisions based on someone else supporting her.
Good luck - I feel for ya.
posted by Miko at 7:37 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I get that she can feel panicked, anxious, disappointed that you don't have a better job n all, but you're feeling ashamed of yourself because you won't have the money to support her studies next year? Your work situation doesn't sound ideal and it clearly upsets you not to make yourself and your girlfriend proud, but it seems a bit mean of the gal to worry that you're not going to earn the necessary money to support her and wants to end the relationship. Obviously stating this doesn't provide you with a solution, but you are entitled to hear that you're not a dirty layabout loser. You have nothing to be ashamed of, as others have said.
But, having a better job may be a way to feel stronger in yourself or make you feel worthy enough to talk more to your gal, have a stronger voice, name future goals that include her and allow you to be vulnerable in explaining how your job situation makes you feel.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:50 AM on March 12, 2010
But, having a better job may be a way to feel stronger in yourself or make you feel worthy enough to talk more to your gal, have a stronger voice, name future goals that include her and allow you to be vulnerable in explaining how your job situation makes you feel.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:50 AM on March 12, 2010
There's a lot going on here, so I'm just going to focus on building your design portfolio. Have you thought about seeking out volunteer design gigs? A lot of non-profits would kill for someone to do design stuff for them for free. You can put that stuff on your resume without mentioning that you weren't paid, and you can put it in your portfolio.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, by the way. It is not unusual for a 25-year-old to still be in the initial stages of starting a career. Get in touch with your friends, because I suspect your social isolation is adding to your sense of desperation.
posted by craichead at 7:53 AM on March 12, 2010
You have nothing to be ashamed of, by the way. It is not unusual for a 25-year-old to still be in the initial stages of starting a career. Get in touch with your friends, because I suspect your social isolation is adding to your sense of desperation.
posted by craichead at 7:53 AM on March 12, 2010
I’m just pointing something OP and if this helps, use it, if not, ignore.
If I am reading what you wrote correctly it sounds like that you, not everyone else, is assigning yourself worth as to the amount of $ that you make and job that you have.
Did you say you aren’t going to contact your friends because of this status? First, if you are 25, I guarantee some of your friends are in the same boat or even completely unemployed. Also, if these are your friends, they understand that everyone goes through highs and lows. If a friend contacted me and said “I’m not earning much right now, but can we get together?” – I would meet and either pick a cheap, cheap place or pick up the tab for my friend. Then, when you are in a better space a year from now you will pick up the tab. Please don’t hang your head in shame during the times when you make a little less $.
There are some things that you wrote about your relationship, too “I don't talk to her about our problems” The words “my boyfriend doesn’t earn enough” are not there. Talk. Maybe you can save this.
There are a few things you can probably try still. You need to reach out to your friends.
• Tell everyone you are looking for a job and do they have any ideas? Meet with your friends first, and then tell them this, though.
• Contact your university (they have an organization for former students with a list of former students and contact info – contact these people and ask for advice and suggestions [not for a job, suggestions])
• Start doing info interviews (I’ve gotten leads this way) – those companies that you want to work at? Email people who do what you do or who are higher up in the chain. Find some connection (former coworker, linkedin contact, whatever). Ask for suggestions as to how to get what they are. Maybe it isn’t samples, but let them tell you. Ask to meet for 30 minutes, or email, whatever is convenient for these people. Someone will reply and give you helpful info.
• If you want the cool, shiny, sparkly projects, why aren’t you applying for freelance gigs like that? It sounds like you are only looking for freelance.
I’m also going to memail you a list of companies in the next few days; some of these companies use people who do PowerPoint (noticed that was on your CV). I can’t promise that they will use you for freelance or hire you, but send emails to these people.
Also, as a fellow introvert (it took me a looooong time to realize this), don't shut down right now. Reach out. Your firends and other people can help you, either for emotional support, brainstorming, and possible job connections.
posted by Wolfster at 8:03 AM on March 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
If I am reading what you wrote correctly it sounds like that you, not everyone else, is assigning yourself worth as to the amount of $ that you make and job that you have.
Did you say you aren’t going to contact your friends because of this status? First, if you are 25, I guarantee some of your friends are in the same boat or even completely unemployed. Also, if these are your friends, they understand that everyone goes through highs and lows. If a friend contacted me and said “I’m not earning much right now, but can we get together?” – I would meet and either pick a cheap, cheap place or pick up the tab for my friend. Then, when you are in a better space a year from now you will pick up the tab. Please don’t hang your head in shame during the times when you make a little less $.
There are some things that you wrote about your relationship, too “I don't talk to her about our problems” The words “my boyfriend doesn’t earn enough” are not there. Talk. Maybe you can save this.
There are a few things you can probably try still. You need to reach out to your friends.
• Tell everyone you are looking for a job and do they have any ideas? Meet with your friends first, and then tell them this, though.
• Contact your university (they have an organization for former students with a list of former students and contact info – contact these people and ask for advice and suggestions [not for a job, suggestions])
• Start doing info interviews (I’ve gotten leads this way) – those companies that you want to work at? Email people who do what you do or who are higher up in the chain. Find some connection (former coworker, linkedin contact, whatever). Ask for suggestions as to how to get what they are. Maybe it isn’t samples, but let them tell you. Ask to meet for 30 minutes, or email, whatever is convenient for these people. Someone will reply and give you helpful info.
• If you want the cool, shiny, sparkly projects, why aren’t you applying for freelance gigs like that? It sounds like you are only looking for freelance.
I’m also going to memail you a list of companies in the next few days; some of these companies use people who do PowerPoint (noticed that was on your CV). I can’t promise that they will use you for freelance or hire you, but send emails to these people.
Also, as a fellow introvert (it took me a looooong time to realize this), don't shut down right now. Reach out. Your firends and other people can help you, either for emotional support, brainstorming, and possible job connections.
posted by Wolfster at 8:03 AM on March 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry, but are you paying your half of the rent and for groceries, or is she ponying it all up through her taking out loans? Is that actually what she means about worrying that someone can't support her? Obviously she's supporting herself already. Is she worried that your job insecurity is going to be a burden on being able to pay the rent?
posted by anniecat at 8:05 AM on March 12, 2010
posted by anniecat at 8:05 AM on March 12, 2010
Slightly offtopic, but the portfolio link on your homepage seems to link to your resume.
On the job front: have you been working on freelance projects now that you have more time? (I ask this not knowing if you actually have time or what design projects entail.) Also, have you looked into teaching, either at some sort of school or privately? It might at least be something you can do on the side.
On the career front: I don't think this is something to worry about. Certainly not now. Many people's careers change multiple times over the course of their lives. 25 is young to begin with, though I know I didn't feel that way at 25. Many of the people I know who are under thirty and do theoretically have careers aren't happy with them and are also trying to figure out what to do with their lives.
Being ashamed when you've been making a legitimate and serious effort to get a job is natural but not realistic. Also if you're so deeply ashamed that it's stopping your from doing things you want to do and cutting you off from people, that really does sound like a kind of depression. In any case, how you feel about yourself is the one thing in this whole situation that you have full control over. I think it's worth recognizing as a fixable problem.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've been too ashamed to ask her to marry me
I have know idea if it's too late or not or if her reasons for leaving are good or not, but I think you should still tell her this if she doesn't know. If only because it's an important fact about your relationship.
posted by mail at 8:10 AM on March 12, 2010
On the job front: have you been working on freelance projects now that you have more time? (I ask this not knowing if you actually have time or what design projects entail.) Also, have you looked into teaching, either at some sort of school or privately? It might at least be something you can do on the side.
On the career front: I don't think this is something to worry about. Certainly not now. Many people's careers change multiple times over the course of their lives. 25 is young to begin with, though I know I didn't feel that way at 25. Many of the people I know who are under thirty and do theoretically have careers aren't happy with them and are also trying to figure out what to do with their lives.
Being ashamed when you've been making a legitimate and serious effort to get a job is natural but not realistic. Also if you're so deeply ashamed that it's stopping your from doing things you want to do and cutting you off from people, that really does sound like a kind of depression. In any case, how you feel about yourself is the one thing in this whole situation that you have full control over. I think it's worth recognizing as a fixable problem.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've been too ashamed to ask her to marry me
I have know idea if it's too late or not or if her reasons for leaving are good or not, but I think you should still tell her this if she doesn't know. If only because it's an important fact about your relationship.
posted by mail at 8:10 AM on March 12, 2010
I know she wants me to be successful, so I feel like asking to marry her is unfair unless I can be
On preview, I'll say it again: don't sell yourself short. If you want to spend your life with her, she should at least know that.
posted by mail at 8:12 AM on March 12, 2010
On preview, I'll say it again: don't sell yourself short. If you want to spend your life with her, she should at least know that.
posted by mail at 8:12 AM on March 12, 2010
wolfster mentioned that you've got PowerPoint on your resume. Are you opposed to working for The Man? Consulting companies (big ones, like Ernst & Young, PriceWaterhouse, Deloitte, etc) are often desperate for graphic designers who can churn out slide decks and format reports. It's not cutting-edge design work, but honestly - most people working as writers and designers are doing peanut-butter-and-jelly work, then doing the soul-feeding stuff on the side.
As for the other, it almost sounds like you're emotionally breaking up with her before she has a chance to dump you. Please talk to her. Start with "I'm feeling scared." You'll know by her response whether there's a spark left, or whether you're both holding onto a long-term relationship because it's hard to imagine life without it.
posted by catlet at 8:13 AM on March 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
As for the other, it almost sounds like you're emotionally breaking up with her before she has a chance to dump you. Please talk to her. Start with "I'm feeling scared." You'll know by her response whether there's a spark left, or whether you're both holding onto a long-term relationship because it's hard to imagine life without it.
posted by catlet at 8:13 AM on March 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm going to address your job difficulties, since it I agree with Miko -- the way you've been going about your search is what could be worrying your gf, and her hopes of committing herself to a relationship with you.
From my albeit limited experience, the interviews and job offers I've gotten were through referrals from people I knew (friends, alums, contacts from previous jobs). Networking is KEY... so sorry to be blunt, but it doesn't surprise me that you haven't been getting far in your job hunt, considering that you've cut out THE most important aspect of job hunting.
Because before I realized the importance of contacts, I just thought I could get by on my own through online applications. I applied to over 100+ jobs online, and guess what, everybody else is too! The odds of this enormous pool are just against you. Most companies feel more comfortable hiring through people they know anyway... Referrals are very helpful.
Don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert by nature too (INTJ if you believe in personality types). I think it would be best for you to reconcile the fact that you NEED to step out of your comfort zone, and network your butt off. Set aside your pride/insecurity issues. You NEED to be contacting your friends. You NEED to be confident about your skills. Everyone has their down moments, especially in this economy for designers. People will understand.
posted by hellomina at 8:19 AM on March 12, 2010
From my albeit limited experience, the interviews and job offers I've gotten were through referrals from people I knew (friends, alums, contacts from previous jobs). Networking is KEY... so sorry to be blunt, but it doesn't surprise me that you haven't been getting far in your job hunt, considering that you've cut out THE most important aspect of job hunting.
Because before I realized the importance of contacts, I just thought I could get by on my own through online applications. I applied to over 100+ jobs online, and guess what, everybody else is too! The odds of this enormous pool are just against you. Most companies feel more comfortable hiring through people they know anyway... Referrals are very helpful.
Don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert by nature too (INTJ if you believe in personality types). I think it would be best for you to reconcile the fact that you NEED to step out of your comfort zone, and network your butt off. Set aside your pride/insecurity issues. You NEED to be contacting your friends. You NEED to be confident about your skills. Everyone has their down moments, especially in this economy for designers. People will understand.
posted by hellomina at 8:19 AM on March 12, 2010
I basically second everything Wolfster said. Don't feel bad! Avoid self-fulfilling prophesies of negative thinking! I know how hard it is, being a recent graduate and searching for a job. For me, it was endless panic attacks and existential crises. You know how talented you are, so you just need a first step in the door in order to prove your skills! Part-time temp/internships are a great way in :) even better when they pay.
posted by hellomina at 8:28 AM on March 12, 2010
posted by hellomina at 8:28 AM on March 12, 2010
First, work out the relationship part of this. Don't be ashamed to ask her to marry you if you really love her. Tell her that you know things may not have worked out exactly as planned, and the job market is unpredictable, but one thing you do know is that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Marriage (as the vows usually suggest) is not just about the good times, but the bad. If she wants a relationship and your lives/careers to be all good, that is just not realistic.
Second, if you think your relationship is not going to work, ask yourself if you want to stay in Brooklyn. The only thing worse than struggling to pay half the rent will be struggling to pay the whole rent, alone. If the job market and the type of networking necessary in the city isn't quite your style, maybe you should consider moving for the right job. If you think this might be the case, I'd start applying now. There might be an awesome job in a more affordable place that is just waiting for you to take it.
In general, 25 is a tough year but one where you should be having fun. Maybe you can build your portfolio by pursuing projects that you enjoy, even if unpaid, and let it ignite your passion for your career.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:32 AM on March 12, 2010
Second, if you think your relationship is not going to work, ask yourself if you want to stay in Brooklyn. The only thing worse than struggling to pay half the rent will be struggling to pay the whole rent, alone. If the job market and the type of networking necessary in the city isn't quite your style, maybe you should consider moving for the right job. If you think this might be the case, I'd start applying now. There might be an awesome job in a more affordable place that is just waiting for you to take it.
In general, 25 is a tough year but one where you should be having fun. Maybe you can build your portfolio by pursuing projects that you enjoy, even if unpaid, and let it ignite your passion for your career.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:32 AM on March 12, 2010
Basically, none of this question makes ANY sense to me. I am telling you this because you need some outside perspective.
Of course, if I heard her side, I might side with her! Who knows?
A couple things:
1. Student loans? Student loans can suck it. Do you not think there are hundreds of thousands of people in America right now deferring on loans? Yes, they're painful and onerous and looming. But also? They can wait.
2. If she doesn't have any money next year while she's in school, shouldn't she be arranging grants or some such?
3. I have never ever ever gotten a job from a job application, and I'm old enough to be your uncle and I've had a LOT of jobs. You get jobs through acquaintances and friends, always.
4. This, from above, was key: "Make it part of your job hunt--contact one friend a day. If you're too shy to call, send an email or make a nice comment on their facebook." You know what's not making your relationship better? ISOLATING IN TERROR. Dude you are doing this REALLY WRONG.
5. If her "#1 complaint is that you don't talk about problems" you need to run home and start talking about the problems. The trick is, these "problems" aren't yours. These problems are BOTH of yours. You're not the "problem" in the relationship. She can go out and see friends anytime she wants! The isolation is both of yours. So if this conversation is all about you, then something's wrong there.
Finally, the whole point of marriage and marriage-like relationships is supporting each other through the hard times. Things are hard now! Like they're kinda supposed to be when you're 25. You're treating your relationship like it's already dead, which is a mistake. That being said? Her "I'm moving out" thing also makes no sense! She's moving out... to pay more money to live alone? It sounds punishing and weird.
Please try and look at this from way way outside and pull way way back. If anything about it all doesn't make sense, you're right: it doesn't.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:00 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Of course, if I heard her side, I might side with her! Who knows?
A couple things:
1. Student loans? Student loans can suck it. Do you not think there are hundreds of thousands of people in America right now deferring on loans? Yes, they're painful and onerous and looming. But also? They can wait.
2. If she doesn't have any money next year while she's in school, shouldn't she be arranging grants or some such?
3. I have never ever ever gotten a job from a job application, and I'm old enough to be your uncle and I've had a LOT of jobs. You get jobs through acquaintances and friends, always.
4. This, from above, was key: "Make it part of your job hunt--contact one friend a day. If you're too shy to call, send an email or make a nice comment on their facebook." You know what's not making your relationship better? ISOLATING IN TERROR. Dude you are doing this REALLY WRONG.
5. If her "#1 complaint is that you don't talk about problems" you need to run home and start talking about the problems. The trick is, these "problems" aren't yours. These problems are BOTH of yours. You're not the "problem" in the relationship. She can go out and see friends anytime she wants! The isolation is both of yours. So if this conversation is all about you, then something's wrong there.
Finally, the whole point of marriage and marriage-like relationships is supporting each other through the hard times. Things are hard now! Like they're kinda supposed to be when you're 25. You're treating your relationship like it's already dead, which is a mistake. That being said? Her "I'm moving out" thing also makes no sense! She's moving out... to pay more money to live alone? It sounds punishing and weird.
Please try and look at this from way way outside and pull way way back. If anything about it all doesn't make sense, you're right: it doesn't.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:00 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
I made commitments which I haven't lived up to.
This is almost definitely the source of her frustration, not the actual cash inflow. My guess is that you tell her what YOU think she wants to hear. Stop doing this, now, and make a point of telling her the truth. It's better to say "I am going to play videogames all day in my pajamas" then to say "I am going to apply for 3 jobs" and then not do it. Of course it's better to actually do it, but you already know that, and I'd bet $100 that you're feeling overwhelmed both by what seems like the enormity of the task before you and the pressure you're putting on yourself/she's putting on you. You said you're insecure, and I'd bet another $100 you're a perfectionist (you want to do things but the conditions aren't right so you don't and then you are ashamed, and then the conditions are made even worse, leading to further... yeah). Perfectionism is the #1 cause of procrastination.
So, take all the career tips you've gotten in this thread and elsewhere, and make a plan. Break it out into very small tasks you can do each day. There are eleventy million questions about procrastination on this site, and eleventy billion sites on overcoming it. Best of luck.
posted by desjardins at 9:16 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is almost definitely the source of her frustration, not the actual cash inflow. My guess is that you tell her what YOU think she wants to hear. Stop doing this, now, and make a point of telling her the truth. It's better to say "I am going to play videogames all day in my pajamas" then to say "I am going to apply for 3 jobs" and then not do it. Of course it's better to actually do it, but you already know that, and I'd bet $100 that you're feeling overwhelmed both by what seems like the enormity of the task before you and the pressure you're putting on yourself/she's putting on you. You said you're insecure, and I'd bet another $100 you're a perfectionist (you want to do things but the conditions aren't right so you don't and then you are ashamed, and then the conditions are made even worse, leading to further... yeah). Perfectionism is the #1 cause of procrastination.
So, take all the career tips you've gotten in this thread and elsewhere, and make a plan. Break it out into very small tasks you can do each day. There are eleventy million questions about procrastination on this site, and eleventy billion sites on overcoming it. Best of luck.
posted by desjardins at 9:16 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your title says it all. You think that without this mythical great job, you can't marry your girlfriend. You won't speak to your friends because you don't have this great job.
It's really tough to be in a relationship with someone who hates themselves. It's doubly hard when they shut down and unilaterally decide what is necessary to continue the relationship. You won't ask her to marry you, you won't talk to your friends, you're not networking - all you're doing is feeling bad about the job that you have. You sound like you're making yourself and her miserable over this.
Talk to her. She's been with you for 8 years! You didn't have a magical job when you got together, and you may not have one for some time - but you do have her - for now. Make sure you keep her.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:18 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's really tough to be in a relationship with someone who hates themselves. It's doubly hard when they shut down and unilaterally decide what is necessary to continue the relationship. You won't ask her to marry you, you won't talk to your friends, you're not networking - all you're doing is feeling bad about the job that you have. You sound like you're making yourself and her miserable over this.
Talk to her. She's been with you for 8 years! You didn't have a magical job when you got together, and you may not have one for some time - but you do have her - for now. Make sure you keep her.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:18 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Can't really offer anything to help out the girlfriend situation aside from the two of you needing to communicate better. From the sounds of it, you're feeling so low about yourself that you're shutting yourself off from her because you feel you aren't worth it. Thats just self-defeating.
As for the career thing, it sounds like you're doing all you can do. Don't know if it'll help but there is a website called 99 designs that basically serves as a big forum for design contests.
If you're having trouble finding work, give that a shot. Even if you don't win any contests at least you'll have another piece for your portfolio and you'll be able to see other peoples work and possibly make some connections. If you do win, you'll have some cash in your pocket and something to put in the win column. Small victories like that are a great way to pull yourself out of a funk.
posted by Nyarlathotep at 9:33 AM on March 12, 2010
As for the career thing, it sounds like you're doing all you can do. Don't know if it'll help but there is a website called 99 designs that basically serves as a big forum for design contests.
If you're having trouble finding work, give that a shot. Even if you don't win any contests at least you'll have another piece for your portfolio and you'll be able to see other peoples work and possibly make some connections. If you do win, you'll have some cash in your pocket and something to put in the win column. Small victories like that are a great way to pull yourself out of a funk.
posted by Nyarlathotep at 9:33 AM on March 12, 2010
A few people have said they don’t know what your question is, but it’s right there up top: How can I get a better job quickly to save my relationship? To which I respond, huh? I’m not exactly sure why your relationship is dependent on getting a better job, so let’s break it down:
-Your gf needs you to get a better job so you can support her.
-Your gf doesn’t think you’re trying hard enough at getting a job, so you have to get one soon so you can prove otherwise.
So why does she get to decide what you do with your money, and how much of a “man”’ you are relative to your job search and job-getting? I know you love her and it’s been 8 years, but if you’ve been growing apart and she wants to go, let her go. You want to spend the rest of your life with her, but how does she feel? What is she doing to contribute to problem solving?
I think you need to have a talk about each of your financial responsibilities to yourselves. People have suggested some financial strategies so far. Do not rescue her from her financial responsibilities. She has to figure this out herself. If you guys can get some kind of tax benefit from being common-law, figure that out. I just think it’s really unfair of her to rely on you to help her financial situation. Figure out how that impacts your financial situation and you have the right to say no. She may not like it, but maybe she’ll respect you for it. If she breaks it off because of that, then I don’t think you’ve lost much (even though it’s been 8 years). However, if you guys want to be married, then now is the time to have these financial discussions and work them out.
You say you don’t want her to suffer, but she’s already suffering. Her suffering is NOT your responsibility.
I totally feel you feeling ashamed, even if you said it was a strong word, but I think what you’re feeling is shame and you should acknowledge it (and not feel ashamed about feeling ashamed!). Shame is not the frame of mind you should be in if you’re job searching, and a lot of people here say you should not feel ashamed anyway. So ease up on yourself! Try to feel good about yourself, and start with something small, like one of the little assignments you had at the copy shop. Then think about another little thing, and another and another. Just because your copy shop job wasn’t the same as flashy freelance projects, doesn’t mean it’s nothing. It’s still something, so milk it for all its worth. I also don’t think it’s helping your frame of mind to think that you must get a better job to save your relationship. You are getting a job because you have skills, you want to improve them, you have something to contribute, you are passionate about design. Doesn’t that sound and feel better?
Your gf says you don’t talk; have you talked to her about feeling ashamed? Have you tried asking for her support?
posted by foxjacket at 9:39 AM on March 12, 2010
-Your gf needs you to get a better job so you can support her.
-Your gf doesn’t think you’re trying hard enough at getting a job, so you have to get one soon so you can prove otherwise.
So why does she get to decide what you do with your money, and how much of a “man”’ you are relative to your job search and job-getting? I know you love her and it’s been 8 years, but if you’ve been growing apart and she wants to go, let her go. You want to spend the rest of your life with her, but how does she feel? What is she doing to contribute to problem solving?
I think you need to have a talk about each of your financial responsibilities to yourselves. People have suggested some financial strategies so far. Do not rescue her from her financial responsibilities. She has to figure this out herself. If you guys can get some kind of tax benefit from being common-law, figure that out. I just think it’s really unfair of her to rely on you to help her financial situation. Figure out how that impacts your financial situation and you have the right to say no. She may not like it, but maybe she’ll respect you for it. If she breaks it off because of that, then I don’t think you’ve lost much (even though it’s been 8 years). However, if you guys want to be married, then now is the time to have these financial discussions and work them out.
You say you don’t want her to suffer, but she’s already suffering. Her suffering is NOT your responsibility.
I totally feel you feeling ashamed, even if you said it was a strong word, but I think what you’re feeling is shame and you should acknowledge it (and not feel ashamed about feeling ashamed!). Shame is not the frame of mind you should be in if you’re job searching, and a lot of people here say you should not feel ashamed anyway. So ease up on yourself! Try to feel good about yourself, and start with something small, like one of the little assignments you had at the copy shop. Then think about another little thing, and another and another. Just because your copy shop job wasn’t the same as flashy freelance projects, doesn’t mean it’s nothing. It’s still something, so milk it for all its worth. I also don’t think it’s helping your frame of mind to think that you must get a better job to save your relationship. You are getting a job because you have skills, you want to improve them, you have something to contribute, you are passionate about design. Doesn’t that sound and feel better?
Your gf says you don’t talk; have you talked to her about feeling ashamed? Have you tried asking for her support?
posted by foxjacket at 9:39 AM on March 12, 2010
I'm completely ashamed of myself, and have cut off ties with college friends because I'm embarrassed of not having a job
Stop this right now. This idea is wrong wrong wrong. This single wrong idea has caused me more trouble than any other. Repeat after me, these are going to be your mantra for the next little while,
I'm an introvert and have not been good at networking in the past
Yes, that's a problem. Networking is hard, and for many of us, it doesn't come naturally. It's probably the #1 career skill you can learn at this point.
Learning networking will take you out of your comfort zone -- learning anything always takes you out of your comfort zone, doesn't it? So, brace yourself, deploy some willpower, and by the end of the year you'll be decent-to-pretty-good at networking. Start with my favorite book on the subject, The Unwritten Rules of the Highly Effective Job Search, by Orville Pierson. After that one, go to the library, and keep reading, and keep practicing.
posted by gmarceau at 10:15 AM on March 12, 2010 [17 favorites]
Stop this right now. This idea is wrong wrong wrong. This single wrong idea has caused me more trouble than any other. Repeat after me, these are going to be your mantra for the next little while,
Looking for work is a perfectly valid occupation.The second most wrong idea ever is this job is below me. That one also caused me a lot of trouble in the past. So, repeat after me,
Looking for work is a natural part of life.
Everybody knows how much it sucks to be looking for work, my friends relate to my hardship and empathize.
Absent of work, I gather my self-worth from the rigor that I apply to my job search, and the care with which I nurture my relationships with those around me.
Everyone around me wishes they had as much free time as I do, I have a responsibility to make the best of it.
There is no such thing as a stupid job.Print these mantra and post them on a visible wall. Every week, one choose from the list. Your exercise that week is to reflect on the meaning of that mantra.
Lower-level jobs lead to contacts, which lead to higher-level jobs.
An idle mind is the devil's workshop, structure is good, absent of something better, low-level jobs are healthy.
Low-level jobs are rich of real-life experience, which compensate their suckyness somewhat.
You never know where you're going to make a new friend.
Worse come to worse, it'll make a good story for your grandchildren.
I'm an introvert and have not been good at networking in the past
Yes, that's a problem. Networking is hard, and for many of us, it doesn't come naturally. It's probably the #1 career skill you can learn at this point.
Learning networking will take you out of your comfort zone -- learning anything always takes you out of your comfort zone, doesn't it? So, brace yourself, deploy some willpower, and by the end of the year you'll be decent-to-pretty-good at networking. Start with my favorite book on the subject, The Unwritten Rules of the Highly Effective Job Search, by Orville Pierson. After that one, go to the library, and keep reading, and keep practicing.
posted by gmarceau at 10:15 AM on March 12, 2010 [17 favorites]
I understand the shame of not being as accomplished in your career as you would like to be, but you need to remind yourself repeatedly that you are not your job. What you do for a set number of hours, in order to bring home a paycheck and pay your bills, is not the sum total of who you are, not by a long shot. How you choose to spend your free time, your likes and dislikes, how you conduct your relationships, and how you treat the people you care about, say far more about you than what you're doing 40 hours a week in order to support yourself. If you could earn an income and refused to do so, that would say something about your personality. The fact that you are going to a job that you do not love in order to take care of yourself and your girlfriend, says a lot about you, too, and it's all good! You're being an adult, fulfilling your responsibilities, and working towards a future in which you are happier.
So please, truly inventory all the awesome things about yourself, realize that is who you are, and then talk to your girlfriend. I know you already said that there is nothing new to say, but that is not true, and even if you are repeating yourself, that's okay, because that is what's going on with you and that is what your partner wants to know. Make sure she knows that you want to marry her, but feel like you can't do that until you are successful in your career. She may tell you that's ludicrous, and while she wants you to be successful, her love and partnership do not hinge on professional success (because, frankly, they should not for a whole host of reasons).
It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and unfairly judging yourself very harshly. You are 25, in a bad economy, in a very competitive city that is still very new to you. It's going to take time to make headway. I think a lot of us can remember a time when we thought by the time we were 25, our lives would be squared away and who we are, what we do, and who we share our lives with would all be settled. It's not true. It's not true at 30, either, and I'm guessing it's not true at 35, 40, 45, etc because life is constantly changing and we are constantly evolving. What we want at 25 will be different than what we want at 35. You might be a successful graphic designer by that time, but feel like you should own your own studio. I guess what I'm saying is that while everything you are feeling is normal and natural, it's the worst kind of thing to invest in because it makes reaching your goals and fulfilling your dreams that much harder, and if you keep putting all of that stuff on yourself, it will not just make it harder, but impossible.
You will get there. It takes time. You are doing many right things. Keep doing them, and figure out what else would be helpful. Let your partner in on your journey, the good and bad, even when it seems repetitive, because in the best of relationships you take that journey together, hand in hand, and help each other along when you can't quite see the way. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:19 AM on March 12, 2010
So please, truly inventory all the awesome things about yourself, realize that is who you are, and then talk to your girlfriend. I know you already said that there is nothing new to say, but that is not true, and even if you are repeating yourself, that's okay, because that is what's going on with you and that is what your partner wants to know. Make sure she knows that you want to marry her, but feel like you can't do that until you are successful in your career. She may tell you that's ludicrous, and while she wants you to be successful, her love and partnership do not hinge on professional success (because, frankly, they should not for a whole host of reasons).
It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and unfairly judging yourself very harshly. You are 25, in a bad economy, in a very competitive city that is still very new to you. It's going to take time to make headway. I think a lot of us can remember a time when we thought by the time we were 25, our lives would be squared away and who we are, what we do, and who we share our lives with would all be settled. It's not true. It's not true at 30, either, and I'm guessing it's not true at 35, 40, 45, etc because life is constantly changing and we are constantly evolving. What we want at 25 will be different than what we want at 35. You might be a successful graphic designer by that time, but feel like you should own your own studio. I guess what I'm saying is that while everything you are feeling is normal and natural, it's the worst kind of thing to invest in because it makes reaching your goals and fulfilling your dreams that much harder, and if you keep putting all of that stuff on yourself, it will not just make it harder, but impossible.
You will get there. It takes time. You are doing many right things. Keep doing them, and figure out what else would be helpful. Let your partner in on your journey, the good and bad, even when it seems repetitive, because in the best of relationships you take that journey together, hand in hand, and help each other along when you can't quite see the way. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:19 AM on March 12, 2010
I think you might be missing some of her problem with you. If your personality has taken a turn for the withdrawn, such that you really don't have any current social life and just sit at home all day, that doesn't sound like a very fun relationship for her to be in.
Are you expecting her to provide all of your social contact? Living in Brooklyn surrounded by fun interesting people her own age, and then coming home to your moping around is probably giving her pause as to whether she wants this for her future. Tons of people here get by on part-time work or temping or whatever and still go out and have a great time.
Call your friends, meet some fun new people and plan some things for you both to go to, even if they are just free concerts or going to museums on open admission days etc.
posted by Spacelegoman at 10:32 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Are you expecting her to provide all of your social contact? Living in Brooklyn surrounded by fun interesting people her own age, and then coming home to your moping around is probably giving her pause as to whether she wants this for her future. Tons of people here get by on part-time work or temping or whatever and still go out and have a great time.
Call your friends, meet some fun new people and plan some things for you both to go to, even if they are just free concerts or going to museums on open admission days etc.
posted by Spacelegoman at 10:32 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's not a good time to be a graphic designer, in NYC. Hell, the commonly used electronic power button icon just got "repurposed" as cover art for free condoms they're handing out there, and the guy who proposed that won the design contest for doing that. And for the last year, or more, your anxiety about the wisdom of trying to pursue your desired career in a very competitive, very high cost-of-living city has been a common one.
The continuing contraction of print media seems permanent. TV advertising isn't coming back, any faster than Conan. And, overall, the market for graphic design in NYC has held up better, longer, than it has elsewhere in the U.S., but frankly, as with any white collar job, you're increasingly competing with the whole world, many of whom are in far lower cost environments than you've chosen.
In times such as these, however, you can't offer excuses for failing to succeed, to yourself, or anyone else. Stuff like this:
If you are going to stay in NYC, and succeed as a graphic designer, and live the life you seem to want to lead, you're going to have to do more than
Maybe you need to re-work your student loan commitments. Maybe you need to hook up with other design professionals and start your own thing. Maybe you need to re-examine and re-strategize your living arrangements, in light of the current down trends in housing prices.
And maybe, just maybe, it might be time to quit thinking of yourself as a graphic designer, and look for other, more lucrative opportunities. I say that because it's a hard thing, for people to recognize that they're caught in a long term trend running against them. It's what keeps gamblers at the table, down to their last chip. It's what makes people who might have other chances, from looking for them, or taking them. But against that, living in NYC, you have one of the most iconic monuments to sheer hustle in a bad time, in the whole world: The Empire State Building. If you know anything about the Depression, and how the ESB came, still, to be built, you come to see it, as I do, as the culmination of the efforts of thousands of people, determined to succeed, in tough times, each of whom, one way or the other, outhustled the competition to work on that building. So, maybe take the ESB as your personal icon, and measure yourself against the efforts of those who built it, in talking about effort and success to yourself.
Maybe, you could still make it in graphic design, but if so, I think you're going to have to demonstrate a helluva lot more hustle than you have so far. Most likely, you're also going to have to show, particularly to smaller firms, that you can pitch, and be an effective part of a creative team. Rainmakers of all stripes have never been more highly valued than they are today, but it doesn't sound like you have any inkling of how to do that. Good luck to you in discovering if you have those qualities, and showing them to others who can pay you for them.
As for your girl friend, I don't know. 8 years with you argues that she's a patient soul. But everyone has their limits, and maybe she's past hers. You might try simply speaking with her, and I do mean simply. It would help if you had a realistic plan to succeed, and some new found faith in yourself, to steady your voice, and calm your face.
posted by paulsc at 11:35 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
The continuing contraction of print media seems permanent. TV advertising isn't coming back, any faster than Conan. And, overall, the market for graphic design in NYC has held up better, longer, than it has elsewhere in the U.S., but frankly, as with any white collar job, you're increasingly competing with the whole world, many of whom are in far lower cost environments than you've chosen.
In times such as these, however, you can't offer excuses for failing to succeed, to yourself, or anyone else. Stuff like this:
"... I'm an introvert and have not been good at networking in the past ..."
"... I feel like the stigma of working at a copy shop without any flashy projects has followed me ..."
"... I'm completely ashamed of myself ..."doesn't interest anybody who can make your life better. Nobody gives you work out of pity.
If you are going to stay in NYC, and succeed as a graphic designer, and live the life you seem to want to lead, you're going to have to do more than
"... I feel like I've considered everything (I've heard so many career tips and still don't have anything resembling a career) and the only thing left is to keep applying to advertised jobs and getting my material to prospective employers."because, frankly, that isn't working, and probably won't work. You need to change your head to change your life, and if you don't see that, it's a major creative failure on your part. You need new strategies, and you need to communicate them to those about you, as you put them into service.
Maybe you need to re-work your student loan commitments. Maybe you need to hook up with other design professionals and start your own thing. Maybe you need to re-examine and re-strategize your living arrangements, in light of the current down trends in housing prices.
And maybe, just maybe, it might be time to quit thinking of yourself as a graphic designer, and look for other, more lucrative opportunities. I say that because it's a hard thing, for people to recognize that they're caught in a long term trend running against them. It's what keeps gamblers at the table, down to their last chip. It's what makes people who might have other chances, from looking for them, or taking them. But against that, living in NYC, you have one of the most iconic monuments to sheer hustle in a bad time, in the whole world: The Empire State Building. If you know anything about the Depression, and how the ESB came, still, to be built, you come to see it, as I do, as the culmination of the efforts of thousands of people, determined to succeed, in tough times, each of whom, one way or the other, outhustled the competition to work on that building. So, maybe take the ESB as your personal icon, and measure yourself against the efforts of those who built it, in talking about effort and success to yourself.
Maybe, you could still make it in graphic design, but if so, I think you're going to have to demonstrate a helluva lot more hustle than you have so far. Most likely, you're also going to have to show, particularly to smaller firms, that you can pitch, and be an effective part of a creative team. Rainmakers of all stripes have never been more highly valued than they are today, but it doesn't sound like you have any inkling of how to do that. Good luck to you in discovering if you have those qualities, and showing them to others who can pay you for them.
As for your girl friend, I don't know. 8 years with you argues that she's a patient soul. But everyone has their limits, and maybe she's past hers. You might try simply speaking with her, and I do mean simply. It would help if you had a realistic plan to succeed, and some new found faith in yourself, to steady your voice, and calm your face.
posted by paulsc at 11:35 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
From the design side of things:
You graduated from the top design program in the country. There are a million (exaggeration) designers in New York who you went to school with, and alums who are running design studios and departments. Start emailing people, get in with your alumni association, etc., etc. Let it be known that you're out and in New York looking for work, any work. If you had come from an unknown school in Nebraska, that'd be one thing, but just from a name-recognition standpoint, you're in decent shape. That paired up with showing some decent work that demonstrates your thinking and capabilities will definitely help. Which brings me to my next point.
Put some work up on your site. Right now, the work samples just links to your resume again. (Which I would go through with and tighten up as well as you can, I glean a lot of information about you as a designer from the resume) Even if you have to mix in some of your best student work, show a few samples of what you're capable of.
When I receive applications with no attachment of work, I move on to the next. Hope this helps, good luck.
posted by Sreiny at 12:10 PM on March 12, 2010
You graduated from the top design program in the country. There are a million (exaggeration) designers in New York who you went to school with, and alums who are running design studios and departments. Start emailing people, get in with your alumni association, etc., etc. Let it be known that you're out and in New York looking for work, any work. If you had come from an unknown school in Nebraska, that'd be one thing, but just from a name-recognition standpoint, you're in decent shape. That paired up with showing some decent work that demonstrates your thinking and capabilities will definitely help. Which brings me to my next point.
Put some work up on your site. Right now, the work samples just links to your resume again. (Which I would go through with and tighten up as well as you can, I glean a lot of information about you as a designer from the resume) Even if you have to mix in some of your best student work, show a few samples of what you're capable of.
When I receive applications with no attachment of work, I move on to the next. Hope this helps, good luck.
posted by Sreiny at 12:10 PM on March 12, 2010
Are you sure she is thinking of leaving because you don't have a "good enough" job? Maybe she wants to leave the relationship, but doesn't know how to say it. I think your problems go far beyond your not having a "career." I don't think that finding a better job will magically restore your relationship. You are doing everything you can to find a better job. If she was committed 100% to this relationship, she wouldn't be threatening to leave because of your job.
I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss what you want out of life and the ways in which you can work together to achieve what you both want. My advice would be to go to a psychologist who can help both of you understand your feelings about your relationship and gain insight into the problems. At this point you are desperate and that's never a good thing in a relationship, since it just pushes the other partner away so I think it would be best to have the help of a professional
posted by parakeetdog at 12:24 PM on March 12, 2010
I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss what you want out of life and the ways in which you can work together to achieve what you both want. My advice would be to go to a psychologist who can help both of you understand your feelings about your relationship and gain insight into the problems. At this point you are desperate and that's never a good thing in a relationship, since it just pushes the other partner away so I think it would be best to have the help of a professional
posted by parakeetdog at 12:24 PM on March 12, 2010
You should come to the NYC mefi meetup. I'll be fun, you can meet people outside of your field and you can talk to me: I'm chronically unemployed like it's my job.
You should cheer up:
A)You're living in New York, this city is tough as fuck, honestly, you're almost definitely not going to "make it" here, BUT, this city is wonderful and crazy and magical and like no other place in the world. You are lucky to be living in one of the most thrilling cities in the whole freaking galaxy. That's great. You're going to die and, after some years, be forgotten to history, but while you were alive, you got to live in CENTER OF THE WORLD NEW YORK CITY!
B) You're young. I'm your age and just as bad off. So are many people I know. I think it may be common now in the new-normal economy.
C) If you aren't in a career job, you can always blow off the job and the boss and the customers and find another shit menial job. Don't make a habit of it, but it's good for your self esteem and confidence to tell an unpleasant boss that you don't need them, they need you, and then walk away. You'll feel like a champ for a while. It's a sort of freedom one doesn't have in a career. (NOTE: Don't do this more than once)
D) Y'all came to New York at the most depressing time of the year. It's all gray and gloom and the sky is like an unforgiving slab of concrete holding you down. I'm grim as hell this time of year. Stick around for summer in New York. Summer will remind you why you're still alive.
E) Six months is not a long time. One of my more brilliant and impressive friends took a year to find a career job. She's a brilliant hard worker, outgoing, etc.
F) Don't worry about your girlfriend. Sometimes, people go in different directions. If she's "one in a million" then there are at least seven of her running around New York.
G), H), I) Do some exercise. I suggest burpees and other prison exercises, but you might like something else. Do it when you're not at work, and tell your GF to join you.
posted by fuq at 4:11 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
You should cheer up:
A)You're living in New York, this city is tough as fuck, honestly, you're almost definitely not going to "make it" here, BUT, this city is wonderful and crazy and magical and like no other place in the world. You are lucky to be living in one of the most thrilling cities in the whole freaking galaxy. That's great. You're going to die and, after some years, be forgotten to history, but while you were alive, you got to live in CENTER OF THE WORLD NEW YORK CITY!
B) You're young. I'm your age and just as bad off. So are many people I know. I think it may be common now in the new-normal economy.
C) If you aren't in a career job, you can always blow off the job and the boss and the customers and find another shit menial job. Don't make a habit of it, but it's good for your self esteem and confidence to tell an unpleasant boss that you don't need them, they need you, and then walk away. You'll feel like a champ for a while. It's a sort of freedom one doesn't have in a career. (NOTE: Don't do this more than once)
D) Y'all came to New York at the most depressing time of the year. It's all gray and gloom and the sky is like an unforgiving slab of concrete holding you down. I'm grim as hell this time of year. Stick around for summer in New York. Summer will remind you why you're still alive.
E) Six months is not a long time. One of my more brilliant and impressive friends took a year to find a career job. She's a brilliant hard worker, outgoing, etc.
F) Don't worry about your girlfriend. Sometimes, people go in different directions. If she's "one in a million" then there are at least seven of her running around New York.
G), H), I) Do some exercise. I suggest burpees and other prison exercises, but you might like something else. Do it when you're not at work, and tell your GF to join you.
posted by fuq at 4:11 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Isolation is the dream killer.
I don't mean to get all Barbara Sher on you, but the worst thing you can do is assume that you are some shameful creature with problems that no one else has, and not reach out to people. Reach out. Send an email. Comment on their Facebook page. Send a text message. This isn't the 80's where you would actually have to CALL PEOPLE ON THE PHONE. Do it. Just do it in little bits. I guarantee you that someone you know is worse off than you.
Second of all, I'm sorry, but - YOU LIVE IN BROOKLYN. You are living in the capital of under-employed ambitious 25 year olds stuck working shite jobs. I hear these kids talk on the bus every single morning about how much they hate where they're working and how they want to be designing clothes/making the next #1 album/exhibiting at MoMA/etc. The smart ones are DOING. You need to be DOING and not waiting for it. There are dozens of bands who would love for you to make posters for them, volunteer organizations who could use help with brochures or flyers, not to mention the fact that there are 10k+ Meetup groups in this city at any given time. There are meetups for designers, there are meetups for unemployed people, there are meetups for underemployed people, and if you can't find the one you want, I would start one - because I guarantee you people would show up.
Walk around the city and the boroughs and get to know it. Make it your own. Make a web site. Publish a chapbook. Take your girlfriend for a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge the next nice day and propose. Work. Take another job. And then another one. Keep doing. Things will happen. Move to a cheaper neighborhood. Take in a roommate.
Six months is NOTHING in New York City. You don't even know how to take a bus yet. Give yourself time. You were both unrealistic in this particular area.
I know a young guy who came here to make movies. He just couldn't support his family and he just took a job with the post office. At first he was terrified by the idea of the post office and now he's just thrilled that he landed a solid job and he won't have to work a series of 47 part time jobs until the next production call comes. He'll make time to make movies.
Hang in there.
posted by micawber at 8:02 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't mean to get all Barbara Sher on you, but the worst thing you can do is assume that you are some shameful creature with problems that no one else has, and not reach out to people. Reach out. Send an email. Comment on their Facebook page. Send a text message. This isn't the 80's where you would actually have to CALL PEOPLE ON THE PHONE. Do it. Just do it in little bits. I guarantee you that someone you know is worse off than you.
Second of all, I'm sorry, but - YOU LIVE IN BROOKLYN. You are living in the capital of under-employed ambitious 25 year olds stuck working shite jobs. I hear these kids talk on the bus every single morning about how much they hate where they're working and how they want to be designing clothes/making the next #1 album/exhibiting at MoMA/etc. The smart ones are DOING. You need to be DOING and not waiting for it. There are dozens of bands who would love for you to make posters for them, volunteer organizations who could use help with brochures or flyers, not to mention the fact that there are 10k+ Meetup groups in this city at any given time. There are meetups for designers, there are meetups for unemployed people, there are meetups for underemployed people, and if you can't find the one you want, I would start one - because I guarantee you people would show up.
Walk around the city and the boroughs and get to know it. Make it your own. Make a web site. Publish a chapbook. Take your girlfriend for a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge the next nice day and propose. Work. Take another job. And then another one. Keep doing. Things will happen. Move to a cheaper neighborhood. Take in a roommate.
Six months is NOTHING in New York City. You don't even know how to take a bus yet. Give yourself time. You were both unrealistic in this particular area.
I know a young guy who came here to make movies. He just couldn't support his family and he just took a job with the post office. At first he was terrified by the idea of the post office and now he's just thrilled that he landed a solid job and he won't have to work a series of 47 part time jobs until the next production call comes. He'll make time to make movies.
Hang in there.
posted by micawber at 8:02 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Slightly offtopic, but the portfolio link on your homepage seems to link to your resume.
That's a good observation. You should definitely change that immediately.
posted by amro at 3:55 PM on March 13, 2010
That's a good observation. You should definitely change that immediately.
posted by amro at 3:55 PM on March 13, 2010
If your girlfriend is still in school, she can defer her student loans. Just an FYI.
posted by timoni at 1:08 AM on March 18, 2010
posted by timoni at 1:08 AM on March 18, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by desjardins at 7:12 AM on March 12, 2010