Dating a guy who has never moved away from home. Yes? No?
March 7, 2010 4:43 PM Subscribe
Should I date a 42-year-old man who still lives with his parents?
About three months ago I started dating a 42-year-old man who still lives at home with his parents. He has never not lived with them. From what I've observed, they seem to treat each other like friendly housemates. When I asked why he was still living with them, he confessed he was afraid to live alone. He would move out someday, he said, but not any time soon. (His parents are healthy and work and have active social lives, so it's not like he has to take care of them. And he has a stable high-paying job. He pays half the rent and all that.)
He still sleeps in his childhood twin bed, and his room resembles that of a teenage boy's: sports pennants, band posters, action figures, etc.
I'm increasingly freaked out by the whole situation to the point where I'm thinking about calling it quits. Some of my friends think I'm being too critical. He is a really sweet and decent person and I enjoy being with him, but his fear of moving out and the childlike room -- it just doesn't feel right.
What do you think? Have any of you dated someone like this? Are any of you someone like this?
About three months ago I started dating a 42-year-old man who still lives at home with his parents. He has never not lived with them. From what I've observed, they seem to treat each other like friendly housemates. When I asked why he was still living with them, he confessed he was afraid to live alone. He would move out someday, he said, but not any time soon. (His parents are healthy and work and have active social lives, so it's not like he has to take care of them. And he has a stable high-paying job. He pays half the rent and all that.)
He still sleeps in his childhood twin bed, and his room resembles that of a teenage boy's: sports pennants, band posters, action figures, etc.
I'm increasingly freaked out by the whole situation to the point where I'm thinking about calling it quits. Some of my friends think I'm being too critical. He is a really sweet and decent person and I enjoy being with him, but his fear of moving out and the childlike room -- it just doesn't feel right.
What do you think? Have any of you dated someone like this? Are any of you someone like this?
Yeah, I think you're instincts are right. I was all set to come in here and defend the guy, because when the relationships work, living at home can be a very mature and sensible choice.... but he's told you that he's doing it out of fear, and if he's afraid to live on his own at 42 than he's way too immature to bother with. (Also, he didn't change up the room? That's just gross).
posted by moxiedoll at 4:51 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by moxiedoll at 4:51 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
I guess it depends on your goals. If you are looking for a nice, sweet man to date, then he seems to fit the bill. A life partner? Ehhhh... I might have some reservations myself.
posted by afton at 4:52 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by afton at 4:52 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Run in the other direction. That room!
posted by jgirl at 4:54 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jgirl at 4:54 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
What would you think of him if he didn't live at home? You say he has a well paying and stable job so he certainly doesn't sound like the "loser freeloading off of mom and pop" type of guy.
However, you know him best, not us. Going on what you've provided here I would say that while his room sounds a bit odd none of this alone would or should be a deal breaker.
posted by Funky Claude at 4:56 PM on March 7, 2010
However, you know him best, not us. Going on what you've provided here I would say that while his room sounds a bit odd none of this alone would or should be a deal breaker.
posted by Funky Claude at 4:56 PM on March 7, 2010
Focus less on what other people may think, or what you think is "right" for society, for a 42 year old, for a relationship, for whatever, and more on what's right for you -right now, not in the future.
If you're happy, you feel supported by and attracted to this guy, have a healthy camaraderie and enjoy spending time with each other, why worry about what he (or you) "should" be doing. I know lots of people who have done what they "should" have their whole lives, and spend ever-increasing amounts of time unhappy, anxious, and increasingly dissatisfied with what they "should" be happy with. I actually admire people who have the candour and courage to live life the way they want to, without hurting anyone else.
posted by smoke at 4:57 PM on March 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
If you're happy, you feel supported by and attracted to this guy, have a healthy camaraderie and enjoy spending time with each other, why worry about what he (or you) "should" be doing. I know lots of people who have done what they "should" have their whole lives, and spend ever-increasing amounts of time unhappy, anxious, and increasingly dissatisfied with what they "should" be happy with. I actually admire people who have the candour and courage to live life the way they want to, without hurting anyone else.
posted by smoke at 4:57 PM on March 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
Ooh, this is bad. I once knew a guy in his 40 who lived with his parents because they were sick and needing his help. That's one thing. But living there out of fear - really bad news. Run the other way.
posted by amro at 4:57 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 4:57 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Would you feel comfortable having sex in his pennant adorned, band poster filled room while his parents are out? That's probably your answer. There's a reason we leave behind our 16 year old selves.
posted by meerkatty at 4:57 PM on March 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by meerkatty at 4:57 PM on March 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
PS Which is not to say this may not be a deal-breaker to you, merely that in considering whether to date or not I would worry less about what's conventional and more about the qualities of the relationship.
Also, never underestimate the transformative ability of a guy who's in love; sometimes a little push can yield astonishing results.
posted by smoke at 4:59 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, never underestimate the transformative ability of a guy who's in love; sometimes a little push can yield astonishing results.
posted by smoke at 4:59 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
No. It's one thing to go back home temporarily as a stopgap measure. It's another entirely to have lived there forever. My two uncles still live with my grandmother. They are in their 60s now. This guy is going to turn into my uncles. And you do not want to date them.
posted by emkelley at 4:59 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by emkelley at 4:59 PM on March 7, 2010
I think Afton has it right. What is it you want from him? Do you want a teenage-esque dating relationship where you go out, have fun, and spend time together with someone sweet- but you know it's never really going to go anywhere?
You know that he is afraid of being an adult and growing up, and some of the responsibilities that go along with that. If you want to have the type of relationship with him where both people have to be adults and take on adult responsibilities-- I think you should keep looking.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:00 PM on March 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
You know that he is afraid of being an adult and growing up, and some of the responsibilities that go along with that. If you want to have the type of relationship with him where both people have to be adults and take on adult responsibilities-- I think you should keep looking.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:00 PM on March 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
It's not a dealbreaker necessarily -- I'm under the impression it's common in many other countries (from what I know) to at least have grown children live nearby if not under the same roof, and I know plenty of people his age or older who live with their parent(s) out of convenience/kindness/practicality. So the living at home part isn't a red flag for me. The twin bed and pennants/posters/action figures prominently displayed are (and I mean, I'm immature. I have toys. I know people who have toys. But they also have grown up furniture and real decor). And that he's scared be out on his own at 42 ... well ...
I'm not someone who believes that every relationship needs to be long term or lead to marriage or anything like that, but I guess you have to ask yourself, where do you see this going? What if, at some point, he were to move in with you? You say he does pay rent, but does he do his own laundry? His own dishes? Cook his own meals? Basically, does he know how to live on his own and just doesn't, or does he let his parents take care of everything? If this relationship gets serious, is that something you want to take on? Those would be big questions for me.
posted by darksong at 5:04 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
I'm not someone who believes that every relationship needs to be long term or lead to marriage or anything like that, but I guess you have to ask yourself, where do you see this going? What if, at some point, he were to move in with you? You say he does pay rent, but does he do his own laundry? His own dishes? Cook his own meals? Basically, does he know how to live on his own and just doesn't, or does he let his parents take care of everything? If this relationship gets serious, is that something you want to take on? Those would be big questions for me.
posted by darksong at 5:04 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
He would move out someday, he said, but not any time soon.
Consider that he's very probably been saying (and, I'm sure, meaning) that since, what, his late teens? That would make it over twenty years. Twenty years maybe isn't too long to live with your parents as an adult, if the situation works for everyone involved, but it's one hell of a long time to continually postpone living an independent adult life out of self-confessed fear.
I don't think living with his parents is the part that's going to cause you problems. The mindset that's keeping him there, in a room decorated like a teenage boy's? That sounds like it's got the potential to cause you a whole world of problems, if you want a serious relationship with this man. I'd suggest reframing the questions you're asking yourself, from 'Should I date a man who's never lived away from home?' to 'Should I date a man who fears being an adult in some very significant ways?'
posted by Catseye at 5:04 PM on March 7, 2010 [12 favorites]
Consider that he's very probably been saying (and, I'm sure, meaning) that since, what, his late teens? That would make it over twenty years. Twenty years maybe isn't too long to live with your parents as an adult, if the situation works for everyone involved, but it's one hell of a long time to continually postpone living an independent adult life out of self-confessed fear.
I don't think living with his parents is the part that's going to cause you problems. The mindset that's keeping him there, in a room decorated like a teenage boy's? That sounds like it's got the potential to cause you a whole world of problems, if you want a serious relationship with this man. I'd suggest reframing the questions you're asking yourself, from 'Should I date a man who's never lived away from home?' to 'Should I date a man who fears being an adult in some very significant ways?'
posted by Catseye at 5:04 PM on March 7, 2010 [12 favorites]
Well, it would weird me out, but if he is an adult in pretty much every way except that he never moved out of the house he grew up in, I dunno. Some people really are afraid to live alone, so they have roommates until they move in with a significant other or get married.
As for his room resembling that of a teenage boy's, it's possible he just never cared to change it from when he actually was a teenage boy. Some people aren't into redecorating, ever, and when you reach adulthood and work full time, time can fly by frighteningly quickly and then suddenly you're 42. Then again, some adults never really get away from the whole sports/band/action figure thing - I've had adult coworkers who have band posters and sports pennants in their offices/cubicles, and yes, even action figures. Not sure if they have that stuff in their apartments too, but if they don't I imagine the only reason why not is because their wives wouldn't allow it. All that stuff is really individual to a person, and without knowing more about him and what he's like otherwise, I find it hard to pass serious judgment on the mere fact that he never moved out of that house and he's got band posters and such in his room if he seems to be perfectly functional otherwise.
I guess my primary concern in that sort of situation would be if he is mentally ill and whether or not he is capable of functioning away from his parents. If he seems level-headed aside from this, has a social life, etc... it's not the worst thing in the world. But in the end, if it already feels wrong for you this early in the relationship, you might already have your answer.
posted by wondermouse at 5:09 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
As for his room resembling that of a teenage boy's, it's possible he just never cared to change it from when he actually was a teenage boy. Some people aren't into redecorating, ever, and when you reach adulthood and work full time, time can fly by frighteningly quickly and then suddenly you're 42. Then again, some adults never really get away from the whole sports/band/action figure thing - I've had adult coworkers who have band posters and sports pennants in their offices/cubicles, and yes, even action figures. Not sure if they have that stuff in their apartments too, but if they don't I imagine the only reason why not is because their wives wouldn't allow it. All that stuff is really individual to a person, and without knowing more about him and what he's like otherwise, I find it hard to pass serious judgment on the mere fact that he never moved out of that house and he's got band posters and such in his room if he seems to be perfectly functional otherwise.
I guess my primary concern in that sort of situation would be if he is mentally ill and whether or not he is capable of functioning away from his parents. If he seems level-headed aside from this, has a social life, etc... it's not the worst thing in the world. But in the end, if it already feels wrong for you this early in the relationship, you might already have your answer.
posted by wondermouse at 5:09 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Get out of there, quick. My mother dated a few people like this. really really not good at all.
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 5:09 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 5:09 PM on March 7, 2010
Actually, after thinking about it a little more, what would be more concerning than teenage decorations and living with his parents is if he has no idea what it means to be independent and the responsibilities that come along with that. Again that's something you'd have to talk to him about in order to know how much he really knows about that stuff. If his parents are making all the decisions around the house and taking care of all the bills, utilities, etc - and he's just paying them however much he owes them - that's a lot of independent learning he's missed out on.
posted by wondermouse at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by wondermouse at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yeah, what Catseye says hits the mark - the big issue here is whether or not he can or is willing to behave as an adult, or if he's ready for it. The living at home part is just one symptom of this. How is his communication with you? Does he acknowledge his fears readily? Has he traveled at all, or has he stayed in his community without leaving for the past 42 years?
Maybe there's some 40-year-old virgin thing going on here - he wanted to move out when he was 18 but something came up, and then he kept putting it off, and now he's afraid because he's never done it before. Who knows. But you are in the best position to judge whether or not he is okay with moving forward in life without taking it out on you, and whether you are able to be in a relationship like that.
posted by amicamentis at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2010
Maybe there's some 40-year-old virgin thing going on here - he wanted to move out when he was 18 but something came up, and then he kept putting it off, and now he's afraid because he's never done it before. Who knows. But you are in the best position to judge whether or not he is okay with moving forward in life without taking it out on you, and whether you are able to be in a relationship like that.
posted by amicamentis at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2010
You know, I was gonna say something about how we should all be fair and I'm sure he's working toward living his own life and being independent. I have friends that age who live at home for various reasons, and I don't think any of them are "off". But then you got to the part about him being scared and the fact that his room is (probably) the same as it was 25-30 years ago. It's one thing to be comfortable, it's another thing to be comfortable to the point of it being crippling, especially given that he has the means to live his own life. There is something to be said for living on your own, away from your parents (even if it's just a couple blocks away).
You know how awkward it was the first time you spent the night at a guy's house, and you got up at 4am to get a glass of water and ran into his roommate? Imagine that, but with his MOM. I'm sure she's nice and all, but come on.
You don't have to run, but if I were in your shoes, I would certainly turn in the other direction and walk.
posted by AlisonM at 5:24 PM on March 7, 2010
You know how awkward it was the first time you spent the night at a guy's house, and you got up at 4am to get a glass of water and ran into his roommate? Imagine that, but with his MOM. I'm sure she's nice and all, but come on.
You don't have to run, but if I were in your shoes, I would certainly turn in the other direction and walk.
posted by AlisonM at 5:24 PM on March 7, 2010
I can't say what I would do, but have to say that his being honest about the issue being "fear" would cause me to pause, as it takes a certain amount of confidence to admit such a thing. He could have come up with all kinds of likely excuses, and he didn't. I'm not sure anyone here knows enough to say "run away".
I've known people of both sexes who still lived at home at, say, 28 - and I couldn't believe it. But when I got know more about the situatiuon (as in the case of one of my co-workers, where is seemed to be a cultural thing that he still lived at home) I had a more open mind. Maybe give it some time. Especially since you find him to be a decent guy.
posted by marimeko at 5:31 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've known people of both sexes who still lived at home at, say, 28 - and I couldn't believe it. But when I got know more about the situatiuon (as in the case of one of my co-workers, where is seemed to be a cultural thing that he still lived at home) I had a more open mind. Maybe give it some time. Especially since you find him to be a decent guy.
posted by marimeko at 5:31 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I try not to judge people without knowing them. But given that it's the idea here: it's the room that does it for me. The idea that someone might actually admit to hating living alone is just fine, admirable even, and if someone actually managed to craft a complete functional adult life intertwined with that of their parents then that's even better. He'll certainly never have that horrible regret many of us have when our elderly parents die that we could have spent more time with them: in many ways I think it might be how we're meant to live.
But if your description is accurate that room seems pathological, and that he's crafted a dysfunctional life around theirs. Still, I know enough 'normal' guys with dens and offices full of their college sports kit and so on: are you sure it's really unchanged?
posted by cromagnon at 5:32 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
But if your description is accurate that room seems pathological, and that he's crafted a dysfunctional life around theirs. Still, I know enough 'normal' guys with dens and offices full of their college sports kit and so on: are you sure it's really unchanged?
posted by cromagnon at 5:32 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Emotionally stunted 42-year-old man-child =/= healthy relationship prospects. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but how much else of the real world is he too frightened to deal if he can't man-up enough to maintain his own apartment if he's got a decent job?
Being afraid to leave your parents behind is expected in a young kid going away to summer camp. First week of college in the dorms, yeah.
But 42? I'm gonna get all judgmental and ask how in the world Too afraid to live away from my parents at 42 and sexy can coexist in the same framework.
There are adult gentlemen out there, many of whom are worth dating.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Being afraid to leave your parents behind is expected in a young kid going away to summer camp. First week of college in the dorms, yeah.
But 42? I'm gonna get all judgmental and ask how in the world Too afraid to live away from my parents at 42 and sexy can coexist in the same framework.
There are adult gentlemen out there, many of whom are worth dating.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't think this is about "a 42-year-old man who still lives with his parents" so much as it's about "He would move out someday, he said, but not any time soon."
I knew someone in a similar situation--an adult man in his late 30s still living with his parents because of a fear issue. His particular issue had more to do with fear of taking risks (dropped out of a challenging college program for fear of mediocre grades, worked dead end jobs for fear of professional failure) than with fear of living alone, but I think it's comparable. This person seemed... not quite alright. It wasn't that he lived with his parents, it wasn't that he hadn't finished college, it wasn't that he worked retail, and it wasn't that he lacked the money to move out. It was something deeper, a sense that he was, well, kind of stunted and had issues that he needed to resolve but refused to even address.
I've known quite a few adults who lived with their parents for a variety of reasons, and not all of them had that "not quite alright" air about them. Many of them seemed emotionally healthy, mature, and fully ready for adult relationships. It sounds like you're picking up on cues that this person may not be someone you can have a satisfying relationship with because he refuses to make a critical move in his development as an adult. Someone who has never lived independently and, at 42, has a home life that closely resembles his teenage experience--and does not move boldly and directly to address the emotional and psychological factors that led to this situation is not--in my opinion--someone who can be a healthy partner in a mutually supportive, fulfilling adult relationship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:45 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
I knew someone in a similar situation--an adult man in his late 30s still living with his parents because of a fear issue. His particular issue had more to do with fear of taking risks (dropped out of a challenging college program for fear of mediocre grades, worked dead end jobs for fear of professional failure) than with fear of living alone, but I think it's comparable. This person seemed... not quite alright. It wasn't that he lived with his parents, it wasn't that he hadn't finished college, it wasn't that he worked retail, and it wasn't that he lacked the money to move out. It was something deeper, a sense that he was, well, kind of stunted and had issues that he needed to resolve but refused to even address.
I've known quite a few adults who lived with their parents for a variety of reasons, and not all of them had that "not quite alright" air about them. Many of them seemed emotionally healthy, mature, and fully ready for adult relationships. It sounds like you're picking up on cues that this person may not be someone you can have a satisfying relationship with because he refuses to make a critical move in his development as an adult. Someone who has never lived independently and, at 42, has a home life that closely resembles his teenage experience--and does not move boldly and directly to address the emotional and psychological factors that led to this situation is not--in my opinion--someone who can be a healthy partner in a mutually supportive, fulfilling adult relationship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:45 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
Go with your gut.
If you're squicked by the situation, you're squicked by the situation. I certainly would be. I can't imagine connecting sexually with a middle-aged man who chose to sleep surrounded by action figures in the little twin bed his parents bought for him back before he was allowed to use pointed scissors. It's just-- ih. (I'm not judging anyone who could connect with a guy like that, mind you. I'd like to think there's someone for everyone. But that's beyond the pale for me, and it sounds like it may be beyond the pale for you as well.)
Don't let your friends talk you into overlooking something that sets off your internal alarm bells. It's not like this is a staffing decision. No one's going to file a civil rights action against you because you're failing to provide reasonable accommodation for this guy's neoteny.
If you do decide that this is more than you can deal with, my guess is that you won't be the first person to walk away from a budding relationship with the guy because of his living situation. I'd further guess that he knows the social/romatic/sexual cost of his choice of domicile, and that it's basically acceptable to him.
Good luck.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 6:10 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you're squicked by the situation, you're squicked by the situation. I certainly would be. I can't imagine connecting sexually with a middle-aged man who chose to sleep surrounded by action figures in the little twin bed his parents bought for him back before he was allowed to use pointed scissors. It's just-- ih. (I'm not judging anyone who could connect with a guy like that, mind you. I'd like to think there's someone for everyone. But that's beyond the pale for me, and it sounds like it may be beyond the pale for you as well.)
Don't let your friends talk you into overlooking something that sets off your internal alarm bells. It's not like this is a staffing decision. No one's going to file a civil rights action against you because you're failing to provide reasonable accommodation for this guy's neoteny.
If you do decide that this is more than you can deal with, my guess is that you won't be the first person to walk away from a budding relationship with the guy because of his living situation. I'd further guess that he knows the social/romatic/sexual cost of his choice of domicile, and that it's basically acceptable to him.
Good luck.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 6:10 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Also, never underestimate the transformative ability of a guy who's in love; sometimes a little push can yield astonishing results.
I must politely disagree with this. You should never, never, never get involved with someone intending or hoping that they should change to suit you. If you are not willing to accept him as he is, then yes, break it off. If it were me, I would absolutely break it off with this guy. As others have said, it's pretty weird that he's afraid of having adult responsibilities at age 42.
posted by Lobster Garden at 6:11 PM on March 7, 2010 [12 favorites]
I must politely disagree with this. You should never, never, never get involved with someone intending or hoping that they should change to suit you. If you are not willing to accept him as he is, then yes, break it off. If it were me, I would absolutely break it off with this guy. As others have said, it's pretty weird that he's afraid of having adult responsibilities at age 42.
posted by Lobster Garden at 6:11 PM on March 7, 2010 [12 favorites]
Also, never underestimate the transformative ability of a guy who's in love; sometimes a little push can yield astonishing results.
Whoagod. If he makes noises about moving out for you in the near future, you should run. Run, run, run. Run. Three months into a relationship, you do not want to be the person he holds responsible for hacking through the Gordian knot of those nearly half-century-old apron strings. If he moves out for himself, fine. Give him another look. But if he tries to make your relationship replace the parental cocoon, the results will most likely not be healthy or pleasant.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 6:20 PM on March 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
Whoagod. If he makes noises about moving out for you in the near future, you should run. Run, run, run. Run. Three months into a relationship, you do not want to be the person he holds responsible for hacking through the Gordian knot of those nearly half-century-old apron strings. If he moves out for himself, fine. Give him another look. But if he tries to make your relationship replace the parental cocoon, the results will most likely not be healthy or pleasant.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 6:20 PM on March 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
He is a really sweet and decent person and I enjoy being with him, but his fear of moving out and the childlike room -- it just doesn't feel right.
you said it. you said it!
your instincts are telling you that there's something very off here, and i would be inclined to advise you to trust them. this is weird. and no, i don't mean serial killer-type weird--i'm sure he is a decent guy (in his own inimitable way).
however, all the signs would seem to imply that he must necessarily harbor a level of emotional maturity that could rival his room decor in it's degree of developmental retardation. can you imagine what a long-term relationship with him might entail? would you want to be any part of that??
ok. still holding out hope? well, i suppose if you're second-guessing your gut feelings, you could seek out a couple of other women he has dated (he has dated other women, right?). see what stories they have to tell. that might steel your resolve in one direction or the other.
good luck.
posted by DavidandConquer at 6:25 PM on March 7, 2010
you said it. you said it!
your instincts are telling you that there's something very off here, and i would be inclined to advise you to trust them. this is weird. and no, i don't mean serial killer-type weird--i'm sure he is a decent guy (in his own inimitable way).
however, all the signs would seem to imply that he must necessarily harbor a level of emotional maturity that could rival his room decor in it's degree of developmental retardation. can you imagine what a long-term relationship with him might entail? would you want to be any part of that??
ok. still holding out hope? well, i suppose if you're second-guessing your gut feelings, you could seek out a couple of other women he has dated (he has dated other women, right?). see what stories they have to tell. that might steel your resolve in one direction or the other.
good luck.
posted by DavidandConquer at 6:25 PM on March 7, 2010
I might worry a little if he has really never lived on his own at all. But if he spent time away during college (for instance), and later came back, what's wrong with that? I think it would be silly to leave a family home situation that sounds like it's happy and sane, solely for the sake of being "on your own." If my job took me back to my hometown, I'd move back in with my parents in a heartbeat.
Also I think the expectation that single adults should live away from their parents is a recent one. My Mom and Dad both lived at home until they got married in their 30s, and this was absolutely normal at the time.
The room decor thing - well, that is a little weird, but I know a lot of guys who pay no attention at all to their surroundings. Pigsty or mansion, it's all the same to them, and either way, they wouldn't be able to tell you the color of the rug or whether they have curtains or blinds. So this might not be a big deal ... unless he's *attached* to the display of his childhood action figures. In which case, yeh, be very uneasy.
posted by philokalia at 6:33 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also I think the expectation that single adults should live away from their parents is a recent one. My Mom and Dad both lived at home until they got married in their 30s, and this was absolutely normal at the time.
The room decor thing - well, that is a little weird, but I know a lot of guys who pay no attention at all to their surroundings. Pigsty or mansion, it's all the same to them, and either way, they wouldn't be able to tell you the color of the rug or whether they have curtains or blinds. So this might not be a big deal ... unless he's *attached* to the display of his childhood action figures. In which case, yeh, be very uneasy.
posted by philokalia at 6:33 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dated and contemplated getting married to a man who still lived with his parents. It was a deal breaker. For goodness sakes, he and his family members were millionaires but he could not see why he needed to move out and live on his own.
Your love interest's room not changing? Yeah, bad sign. Real bad sign. Check for a human head in the freezer.
posted by jadepearl at 6:35 PM on March 7, 2010
Your love interest's room not changing? Yeah, bad sign. Real bad sign. Check for a human head in the freezer.
posted by jadepearl at 6:35 PM on March 7, 2010
I'm not sure whether this is a dealbreaker or not. Have you discussed how you feel about it with him? Has he done things like save for a down payment that indicate independent living is in the picture? A lot of people are afraid to live alone, and simply go from home to roommate to life partner without ever voicing that fear, so while it's a bit worrisome, I don't think that alone is a red flag.
Anecdotally, I will share this: I am 32 and live at home with my Mom in a very large house. I contribute to the household, financially and in other ways, but my plan is, and always has been to move out. I have also lived on my own all the way across the country for a few years and loved it, so I am capable of creating a home of my own separate from my family. The thing that gives me pause about the situation you describe is how unchanged his room is.
My space isn't as personalized as I would have it in a place of my own, and I am often loathe to spend money on something I may need to pay to move or leave behind because the cost of replacement is less than the moving cost. That said, I have done things like buy a mattress and a bed frame because I needed them. Even though some of the furniture I have used since my teens, my room is clearly an adult room. Is it laziness, cheapness, or comfort that keeps his room stuck in his adolescence? Does he seem to realize or acknowledge the uniqueness of his situation?
I would encourage you to have an honest discussion with him, and explain why these things concern you. There is a way to do this without putting someone on the defensive. Surrounding it by positive and complimentary clauses ( ie "I love spending time with you, and you always make me laugh, but I can't help but be concerned that . . .") is always a good tactic. Also, I'd ask him if he understands your concerns. If he can listen and discuss this with you in an adult way, then I'd say there is hope for him and this relationship. If he can't, then unfortunately, you probably need to part ways. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 6:42 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Anecdotally, I will share this: I am 32 and live at home with my Mom in a very large house. I contribute to the household, financially and in other ways, but my plan is, and always has been to move out. I have also lived on my own all the way across the country for a few years and loved it, so I am capable of creating a home of my own separate from my family. The thing that gives me pause about the situation you describe is how unchanged his room is.
My space isn't as personalized as I would have it in a place of my own, and I am often loathe to spend money on something I may need to pay to move or leave behind because the cost of replacement is less than the moving cost. That said, I have done things like buy a mattress and a bed frame because I needed them. Even though some of the furniture I have used since my teens, my room is clearly an adult room. Is it laziness, cheapness, or comfort that keeps his room stuck in his adolescence? Does he seem to realize or acknowledge the uniqueness of his situation?
I would encourage you to have an honest discussion with him, and explain why these things concern you. There is a way to do this without putting someone on the defensive. Surrounding it by positive and complimentary clauses ( ie "I love spending time with you, and you always make me laugh, but I can't help but be concerned that . . .") is always a good tactic. Also, I'd ask him if he understands your concerns. If he can listen and discuss this with you in an adult way, then I'd say there is hope for him and this relationship. If he can't, then unfortunately, you probably need to part ways. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 6:42 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
The fact that you felt the need to Ask Metafilter whether to keep dating him based on his living situation is a bigger red flag than his living situation itself.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:53 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:53 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
If he is taking care of his own meals, cleaning and laundry, not so scary.
If he is still eating mom's dinners, picking his clothes up out of the laundry room when his mom is done with them, using a bathroom that she cleans... then, if you ever end up living together, you will be mom. For me, a big deal-breaker.
posted by Billegible at 6:58 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
If he is still eating mom's dinners, picking his clothes up out of the laundry room when his mom is done with them, using a bathroom that she cleans... then, if you ever end up living together, you will be mom. For me, a big deal-breaker.
posted by Billegible at 6:58 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
He still sleeps in his childhood twin bed, and his room resembles that of a teenage boy's: sports pennants, band posters, action figures, etc.
Sounds like a good kid. Not a man, though.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:00 PM on March 7, 2010
Sounds like a good kid. Not a man, though.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:00 PM on March 7, 2010
So when he sleeps over at your house, will he have to call his parents to tell them he won't be coming home? There are a ton of guys who don't live with their parents. He must not be interested or serious about having an adult life/relationship.
posted by anniecat at 7:05 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 7:05 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
How did he get to 42 and a "high paying job" without leaving home? Did he go to college locally? It's sort of hard to get "high paying" skills if you never leave your hometown, unless it's New York or LA or something.
And the obvious question no one has asked, apparently including you: what's his prior relationship history? If you're his first serious relationship (or that's where this is headed) you're in for worlds of hurt.
And my guess is that would be the case, since very few self-respecting women would have stuck around for this situation. The chances are, I fear, very good that he is afraid of women, not just leaving home. How did you meet? Did he actively seek out a dating relationship in some normal way?
I can say with assurance that most normal males can't wait to get out of the house by the time they hit, say, 15 or so, so they can start impressing women and having a fulfilling sex life. A guy who makes enough money to live alone and is into women in a normal way (or for that matter, into men in a normal way) would live alone. Or with roommates who also had normal dating lives.
In my experience, and I've known a few people like this, a man who lives at home at 42 for reasons that are not financial or related to taking care of his parents is a mama's boy, which is a nice way of saying "emotionally truly fucked up." Check out how he speaks of and interacts with his mother. It will tell you most of what you need to know.
You also don't say how old *you* are. It's somewhat relevant here.
posted by fourcheesemac at 7:05 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
And the obvious question no one has asked, apparently including you: what's his prior relationship history? If you're his first serious relationship (or that's where this is headed) you're in for worlds of hurt.
And my guess is that would be the case, since very few self-respecting women would have stuck around for this situation. The chances are, I fear, very good that he is afraid of women, not just leaving home. How did you meet? Did he actively seek out a dating relationship in some normal way?
I can say with assurance that most normal males can't wait to get out of the house by the time they hit, say, 15 or so, so they can start impressing women and having a fulfilling sex life. A guy who makes enough money to live alone and is into women in a normal way (or for that matter, into men in a normal way) would live alone. Or with roommates who also had normal dating lives.
In my experience, and I've known a few people like this, a man who lives at home at 42 for reasons that are not financial or related to taking care of his parents is a mama's boy, which is a nice way of saying "emotionally truly fucked up." Check out how he speaks of and interacts with his mother. It will tell you most of what you need to know.
You also don't say how old *you* are. It's somewhat relevant here.
posted by fourcheesemac at 7:05 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think we have quite enough info to decide. You should trust your instincts. If all you know is what you told us, I would try to figure out what is really going on.
I will defend him, though, to balance the thread. A person could do worse than to find someone who was really amazing and great in every way except that he felt "afraid" of living alone and chose to live with his parents until he was married. Yes, afraid is a strong word, but ... maybe he was robbed or assaulted while alone in the dorm in college? ... maybe he is using that as shorthand for "I get depressed if I spend a lot of time alone, and I am afraid that that would happen if I lived alone, and I like my parents' company so I figured, why not?" I agree it's a sign of something, but whether that something is a dealbreaker for you is a question that you should answer. I wouldn't hesitate to gather more information about it, if you otherwise think he's great.
posted by salvia at 7:18 PM on March 7, 2010
I will defend him, though, to balance the thread. A person could do worse than to find someone who was really amazing and great in every way except that he felt "afraid" of living alone and chose to live with his parents until he was married. Yes, afraid is a strong word, but ... maybe he was robbed or assaulted while alone in the dorm in college? ... maybe he is using that as shorthand for "I get depressed if I spend a lot of time alone, and I am afraid that that would happen if I lived alone, and I like my parents' company so I figured, why not?" I agree it's a sign of something, but whether that something is a dealbreaker for you is a question that you should answer. I wouldn't hesitate to gather more information about it, if you otherwise think he's great.
posted by salvia at 7:18 PM on March 7, 2010
Has [never lived independently and is now middle-aged. Even if he didn't have a teenager's bedroom, that would be a huge red flag.
By all means enjoy his company, but if someone who's 42 isn't planning on moving out of home "any time soon", then I wouldn't be looking at him as a potential life partner. There's a whole set of life skills which people don't learn living at home. Trying to teach those life and relationship skills to a middle-aged adolescent is like buying a "fixer-upper" home.
Never fall in love with a man's "potential" - especially not a man who is clearly telling you that he isn't ready to be a grown up yet (if not at 42, then don't count on it ever happening). And pay closer attention to the family dynamics. Why have these parents allowed him to develop in to a middle-aged man-child? There's some weird dynamic going on in that house if they've never pushed him out of the nest, and if you're considering serious involvement with him you need to identify that dynamic and how it will affect your relationship.
I'd give him a miss as a potential partner and keep him as a friend. There are plenty of available men out there who are already grown up. Spare yourself the "fixer-uppers".
posted by Lolie at 7:26 PM on March 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
By all means enjoy his company, but if someone who's 42 isn't planning on moving out of home "any time soon", then I wouldn't be looking at him as a potential life partner. There's a whole set of life skills which people don't learn living at home. Trying to teach those life and relationship skills to a middle-aged adolescent is like buying a "fixer-upper" home.
Never fall in love with a man's "potential" - especially not a man who is clearly telling you that he isn't ready to be a grown up yet (if not at 42, then don't count on it ever happening). And pay closer attention to the family dynamics. Why have these parents allowed him to develop in to a middle-aged man-child? There's some weird dynamic going on in that house if they've never pushed him out of the nest, and if you're considering serious involvement with him you need to identify that dynamic and how it will affect your relationship.
I'd give him a miss as a potential partner and keep him as a friend. There are plenty of available men out there who are already grown up. Spare yourself the "fixer-uppers".
posted by Lolie at 7:26 PM on March 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
Oh, another point. We (and I'd guess you) don't know how his parents feel about the living situation - whether they're quietly despairing that he's still in the same bedroom with all his action figures on the shelves, or whether they're happy to live in a slightly unconventional arrangement with a grown child who lives under their roof as an adult equal, or whether they kind of like the idea that they still effectively have their teenage son around.
If it turns out to be option c), that's the kind of stuff you don't want to tangle with. I've never dated a 42-year-old who still lived at home, but I have dated men who were locked into strange and unhealthy behaviour patterns with their families to a point where they lacked the emotional space for a serious relationship, and in neither case did it work out well. If you find yourself facing the same thing, my advice is to run far and run fast.
posted by Catseye at 7:38 PM on March 7, 2010
If it turns out to be option c), that's the kind of stuff you don't want to tangle with. I've never dated a 42-year-old who still lived at home, but I have dated men who were locked into strange and unhealthy behaviour patterns with their families to a point where they lacked the emotional space for a serious relationship, and in neither case did it work out well. If you find yourself facing the same thing, my advice is to run far and run fast.
posted by Catseye at 7:38 PM on March 7, 2010
Not just no, but HELL no. Aside from certain cultures where this behaviour is normal (in which case it will still create a whole bunch of problems), in the American culture people learn to be independant in their 20s not 40s. If they resist this, there are definitely more issues than you think you are dealing with.
posted by MsKim at 7:55 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by MsKim at 7:55 PM on March 7, 2010
the fact that this guy is in a dating relationship is a good sign of hope. people change; sometimes we just need a bit more of an incentive. rather then dwell on what you find in his house--what do you see in him--is he uncomfortable with his current position? that would be a really good sign that there is hope for him.
posted by lester at 8:02 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by lester at 8:02 PM on March 7, 2010
I know a lot of 30ish and 40ish guys who live at home with their parents. In the area I live it is normal and cultural for men and women to live at home until they get married. I live in the USA. This is also common in my family, because of their cultural background. All my cousins and siblings lived at home until they got married or moved in with someone (it was mostly married). Some of them lived at home until they were in their 40s.
If this is not a cultural thing, be leery, but don't dump the guy if you like him. If you like him, date him. But if you want to marry him, get to know him very well. I would say that about anyone.
posted by fifilaru at 8:13 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
If this is not a cultural thing, be leery, but don't dump the guy if you like him. If you like him, date him. But if you want to marry him, get to know him very well. I would say that about anyone.
posted by fifilaru at 8:13 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Take it SLOW and find out what you need to know. What's really going on here? He says he's afraid of living on his own? What part, specifically, is he afraid of? You might assume he means living in an empty house, but there might be more to it than that.
If a man is living with his parents in order to take care of them... say, because they're elderly or they've been in a horrible accident ...that's one thing. But a grown man living with mommy and daddy? Come on now. Does he still shoot hoops at his high school too? Does mom still give him milk money too? Oh god. Does he have an allowance?
The real question is this: Will you become his mommy if your relationship progresses to that point? Think about all of the things he's used to not worrying about thanks to his parents. Does mom do his laundry? Cook his meals? Do the parents claim him as a dependent on their taxes? Do they DO his taxes? If you're bossy, this could actually be a good thing. If you're not... if you're actually looking for a partner... well... I'd keep looking if I were you.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:45 PM on March 7, 2010
If a man is living with his parents in order to take care of them... say, because they're elderly or they've been in a horrible accident ...that's one thing. But a grown man living with mommy and daddy? Come on now. Does he still shoot hoops at his high school too? Does mom still give him milk money too? Oh god. Does he have an allowance?
The real question is this: Will you become his mommy if your relationship progresses to that point? Think about all of the things he's used to not worrying about thanks to his parents. Does mom do his laundry? Cook his meals? Do the parents claim him as a dependent on their taxes? Do they DO his taxes? If you're bossy, this could actually be a good thing. If you're not... if you're actually looking for a partner... well... I'd keep looking if I were you.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:45 PM on March 7, 2010
I've encountered similar men, except for the teenagery decor. There are cultural issues that come into question. For example, this is within the realm of normal in places like metropolitan New York, where the costs of living independently are absurd. Is he saving money like mad? If so, that's a really good sign.
Have you kept him out overnight? Have you taken any weekends away with him? His ability to function normally in such situations are indications that things may be within reason. How about something on the side of wild and spontaneous, especially if it involves unexpectedly staying away from home. In these things, your looking for the dynamic between he and his parents, and any issues of control coming from the parents. While it's certainly, IMO, polite to inform his parents of his staying away, if his communication home in such a situation sounds juvenile (any kind of whining to parents about being out late, that sort of thing), then that's a warning.
If there is dysfunction, the question is its source. Are there over-controlling parent/s involved? Is he in fact dependant, and encouraged to be so? Is he being manipulated, with his own fears encouraged and used against him?
If a man is sweet, caring, respectful, polite, attractive, attentive, and otherwise mature, what is the problem, exactly? If you're not in any big hurry to move on, and you're enjoying your time with this man, why not stick around and see and learn what you can? Get in, get close, find out what's really happening there. Maybe you could make a difference, if one needs to be made at all. It seems to me it would be a big shame to dump a man simply because there might be issues. Maybe the difference you could make would be best done by bringing to light what the problem is, and only then dumping him, because maybe he can't see the problem.
posted by Goofyy at 11:50 PM on March 7, 2010
Have you kept him out overnight? Have you taken any weekends away with him? His ability to function normally in such situations are indications that things may be within reason. How about something on the side of wild and spontaneous, especially if it involves unexpectedly staying away from home. In these things, your looking for the dynamic between he and his parents, and any issues of control coming from the parents. While it's certainly, IMO, polite to inform his parents of his staying away, if his communication home in such a situation sounds juvenile (any kind of whining to parents about being out late, that sort of thing), then that's a warning.
If there is dysfunction, the question is its source. Are there over-controlling parent/s involved? Is he in fact dependant, and encouraged to be so? Is he being manipulated, with his own fears encouraged and used against him?
If a man is sweet, caring, respectful, polite, attractive, attentive, and otherwise mature, what is the problem, exactly? If you're not in any big hurry to move on, and you're enjoying your time with this man, why not stick around and see and learn what you can? Get in, get close, find out what's really happening there. Maybe you could make a difference, if one needs to be made at all. It seems to me it would be a big shame to dump a man simply because there might be issues. Maybe the difference you could make would be best done by bringing to light what the problem is, and only then dumping him, because maybe he can't see the problem.
posted by Goofyy at 11:50 PM on March 7, 2010
moxiedoll wrote: "and if he's afraid to live on his own at 42 than he's way too immature to bother with."
I don't think that's quite fair. If his life is otherwise developed, you can't really say he's immature based only on his living with his parents. Most people find things they've never done before to be at least somewhat intimidating. When the situation allows people to continue on without doing those things, they generally will, if only because it's easier.
If he's otherwise an independent person, there's nothing wrong with it, but if there are other signs of immaturity I think concern is appropriate.
posted by wierdo at 2:03 AM on March 8, 2010
I don't think that's quite fair. If his life is otherwise developed, you can't really say he's immature based only on his living with his parents. Most people find things they've never done before to be at least somewhat intimidating. When the situation allows people to continue on without doing those things, they generally will, if only because it's easier.
If he's otherwise an independent person, there's nothing wrong with it, but if there are other signs of immaturity I think concern is appropriate.
posted by wierdo at 2:03 AM on March 8, 2010
I was ready to say go for it until you mentioned pennants and action figures.
Even if you lived alone, if I came over and you had a poster of Brittney Spears and a collection of My Little Ponies on your bed, best believe I would be riding one of said ponies right out the front door.
posted by jasondigitized at 5:55 AM on March 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Even if you lived alone, if I came over and you had a poster of Brittney Spears and a collection of My Little Ponies on your bed, best believe I would be riding one of said ponies right out the front door.
posted by jasondigitized at 5:55 AM on March 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Aside from certain cultures where this behaviour is normal (in which case it will still create a whole bunch of problems), in the American culture people learn to be independant in their 20s not 40s.
There is more than one 'American culture'. And we don't know where the OP is.
posted by mippy at 6:57 AM on March 8, 2010
There is more than one 'American culture'. And we don't know where the OP is.
posted by mippy at 6:57 AM on March 8, 2010
If you want a long-term relationship out of this you will probably have to be ok with being his new "mommy". He's told you himself he's afraid of living alone and typically when someone says that they mean that they need someone to take care of them (either emotionally or physically or both). If he hasn't had the experience of taking care of himself, he's going to want you to do it for him if he leaves his parents house for you.
posted by Kimberly at 9:03 AM on March 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Kimberly at 9:03 AM on March 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
If at 42, he was "he was afraid to live alone" and had no intentions of moving out any time soon, I'm sorry, this is not a cultural issue at all. It's not just about moving from one family unit to another when the time is right - he has some irrational fear that his parents have obviously enabled him to have. It's fine to love, spend time with, and fine to live with parents under some conditions - but if this were me, I'd be concerned about the unhealthy relationship he has with his mom and dad. They never helped him with his fear? They never thought anything of it? What kind of unhealthy co-dependency is going on there? He's never even lived with roommates or peers at 42?!
And it's fine to hold on to some sentimental toys and treasures - it doesn't mean you have to throw those things away, but if you're constantly displaying this stuff, you're showcasing that your 42 year old self still reflects your 13 year old self. Unless he's just come from Zoltar, that is just kind of creepy.
posted by raztaj at 9:56 AM on March 8, 2010
And it's fine to hold on to some sentimental toys and treasures - it doesn't mean you have to throw those things away, but if you're constantly displaying this stuff, you're showcasing that your 42 year old self still reflects your 13 year old self. Unless he's just come from Zoltar, that is just kind of creepy.
posted by raztaj at 9:56 AM on March 8, 2010
i have two cousins (one on each parent's side of the family) who are 'lifers' - one I can sort of understand, as she is a woman and, like the guy you're dating, had a high paying job with a well-known national company. But she grew up in a very different era where it was more acceptable for women to do this. I don't think she's that odd, but I don't know her very well (she's technically my first cousin once removed). She's in her 70s, still living with her 90+ year old mother. Has never left home on her own.
But my other cousin fits the description of the guy you've been dating, down to the same age range (my cousin is in his late 40s) but certainly isn't a career go-getter with a high paying job. He's a creep, and has always creeped me out! Refers to women as "lady friends" ... except eventually turns out one he spoke most fondly of was a teenager (!!!) at the time (despite his "Oh, but nothing happened!" protests). His life growing up was sheltered, his mommy bought all his clothes, etc. He's obnoxiously opinionated, and just the type of person you don't want to get trapped alone in a room with for very long.
I tend to think that never leaving home, unless for understandable circumstances such as care of an infirm or elderly parent or family member, is a sign of psychological trouble which isn't easily resolved. In my examples, I have no problem and actually enjoy visiting with my female cousin, but avoid my male cousin to the point I am actually estranged from that family (I tend to think the psychological problems go both ways, especially parents who don't insist a child moves out by the time they hit their 20s).
Let this guy go gently, and don't look back, except to be relieved you didn't get into a big psychological mess!!
posted by kuppajava at 11:16 AM on March 8, 2010
But my other cousin fits the description of the guy you've been dating, down to the same age range (my cousin is in his late 40s) but certainly isn't a career go-getter with a high paying job. He's a creep, and has always creeped me out! Refers to women as "lady friends" ... except eventually turns out one he spoke most fondly of was a teenager (!!!) at the time (despite his "Oh, but nothing happened!" protests). His life growing up was sheltered, his mommy bought all his clothes, etc. He's obnoxiously opinionated, and just the type of person you don't want to get trapped alone in a room with for very long.
I tend to think that never leaving home, unless for understandable circumstances such as care of an infirm or elderly parent or family member, is a sign of psychological trouble which isn't easily resolved. In my examples, I have no problem and actually enjoy visiting with my female cousin, but avoid my male cousin to the point I am actually estranged from that family (I tend to think the psychological problems go both ways, especially parents who don't insist a child moves out by the time they hit their 20s).
Let this guy go gently, and don't look back, except to be relieved you didn't get into a big psychological mess!!
posted by kuppajava at 11:16 AM on March 8, 2010
I am in your age bracket, just to give the advice some context.
You will have to do a lot of fixing-upping if you move this relationship forward. You are going to have to do EVERYTHING. You are going to have to teach him how to pay bills, for heaven's sake. He's never moved. He's never put together a household. If you move in together, he's moving into your place, and benefiting from the years o' stuff you have. On the one hand you won't fight over whose coffee table you end up using, but on the other, he's never taken a chance to express his taste in anything.
He hasn't had roommates. He hasn't had to deal with burning dinner or getting his jeans stolen out of the dryer at the laundromat or figuring out how to make ends meet, the stuff you do when you're in your 20's and on your own for the first time. Even if he had done this stuff for a YEAR I would give him a break.
And if he had expressed wanting to do it but not wanting to leave his parents or going through a series of bad breaks, if he had said he was lazy, that it was convenient - but he says that he's "afraid" of living alone which is a whole big Pandora's Box of Stuff (with a capital S) and at 42, that's a box he should have opened by now.
What did he say would be the event that would energize him towards moving out? The thing is, that event happens to most normal adults. Even if they end up moving back home because of family, illness, etc., no one wants to keep living with their parents. They've gone away from the nest at some point. And if they come back, they're not living in the same room they have for their whole life. At some point that stuff goes away.
I can't even give him 'late starter' credits - I get it, there are guys who bloom a lot later, and they shouldn't be necessarily automatically discarded.
I do not believe that this gentleman will be able to stand with you as an equal in an adult relationship.
If he'd moved out at ANY point and come back for ANY reason, if he'd gotten a real bed and done some redecorating, I would say that the whole "he's a nice guy and I should give him a chance" thing had some credence.
posted by micawber at 11:56 AM on March 8, 2010
You will have to do a lot of fixing-upping if you move this relationship forward. You are going to have to do EVERYTHING. You are going to have to teach him how to pay bills, for heaven's sake. He's never moved. He's never put together a household. If you move in together, he's moving into your place, and benefiting from the years o' stuff you have. On the one hand you won't fight over whose coffee table you end up using, but on the other, he's never taken a chance to express his taste in anything.
He hasn't had roommates. He hasn't had to deal with burning dinner or getting his jeans stolen out of the dryer at the laundromat or figuring out how to make ends meet, the stuff you do when you're in your 20's and on your own for the first time. Even if he had done this stuff for a YEAR I would give him a break.
And if he had expressed wanting to do it but not wanting to leave his parents or going through a series of bad breaks, if he had said he was lazy, that it was convenient - but he says that he's "afraid" of living alone which is a whole big Pandora's Box of Stuff (with a capital S) and at 42, that's a box he should have opened by now.
What did he say would be the event that would energize him towards moving out? The thing is, that event happens to most normal adults. Even if they end up moving back home because of family, illness, etc., no one wants to keep living with their parents. They've gone away from the nest at some point. And if they come back, they're not living in the same room they have for their whole life. At some point that stuff goes away.
I can't even give him 'late starter' credits - I get it, there are guys who bloom a lot later, and they shouldn't be necessarily automatically discarded.
I do not believe that this gentleman will be able to stand with you as an equal in an adult relationship.
If he'd moved out at ANY point and come back for ANY reason, if he'd gotten a real bed and done some redecorating, I would say that the whole "he's a nice guy and I should give him a chance" thing had some credence.
posted by micawber at 11:56 AM on March 8, 2010
There are a lot of bullshit answers on this board. Don't let a bunch of people on metafilter tell you whether this guy is worth your while. If you like him, go for it. When the him living at home thing outweighs how much you like him, then bail. Love has no boundaries. Cheesey, I know, but true. If you can fall in love with some guy that has baseball penants on his wall, and the relationship is positive and healthy for you, then f'in relish it.
And if your friends, the ones that actually know you, are saying that he's worth it despite the quirkiness, you might want to listen to them. They know a lot more about the both of you than we do. Maybe he's a good catch for you. Maybe you've got some quirkiness that these same people would tell him in a different AskMeFi post that he ought to dump you over.
People that feel there aren't enough rules in life such that they set up rules for themselves that dictate who they can and can't love aren't looking for love, their looking for control.
posted by letahl at 2:06 PM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
And if your friends, the ones that actually know you, are saying that he's worth it despite the quirkiness, you might want to listen to them. They know a lot more about the both of you than we do. Maybe he's a good catch for you. Maybe you've got some quirkiness that these same people would tell him in a different AskMeFi post that he ought to dump you over.
People that feel there aren't enough rules in life such that they set up rules for themselves that dictate who they can and can't love aren't looking for love, their looking for control.
posted by letahl at 2:06 PM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I married that guy, then divorced him 6 years later.
His lack of life experience was a consistent problem, and ultimately one of the reasons I divorced him. It's a long struggle having a relationship with someone like that under the best of circumstances, never mind if they refuse to learn even the basics. He may be a fun guy to hang out with, but you will feel more like his (single) mom after a while, and that's probably not the dynamic you really want. Think on the future of this very carefully.
posted by Cookbooks and Chaos at 6:03 PM on March 8, 2010
His lack of life experience was a consistent problem, and ultimately one of the reasons I divorced him. It's a long struggle having a relationship with someone like that under the best of circumstances, never mind if they refuse to learn even the basics. He may be a fun guy to hang out with, but you will feel more like his (single) mom after a while, and that's probably not the dynamic you really want. Think on the future of this very carefully.
posted by Cookbooks and Chaos at 6:03 PM on March 8, 2010
He is missing 20+ years of adult life experience, and there's a solid chance that has stunted him in ways that are both easy to see and not. If it were me I would not pursue it.
posted by agentwills at 6:48 AM on March 9, 2010
posted by agentwills at 6:48 AM on March 9, 2010
I was all set to defend the guy until I got to the part about him never having lived alone, and keeping his room like that... my brother is 40, and lives with my mom due to health issues (on both of their parts) but he has a normal grown-up bedroom, and he has lived on his own in the past. The teenage-boy room and fear of living alone would be total dealbreakers for me -- that level of emotional immaturity is something that I just couldn't handle. I'd be too concerned that I'd end up being a second mom to him.
posted by sarcasticah at 1:52 PM on March 9, 2010
posted by sarcasticah at 1:52 PM on March 9, 2010
He still sleeps in his childhood twin bed, and his room resembles that of a teenage boy's: sports pennants, band posters, action figures, etc.
I know a lot of guys nearing 30, who have moved into their own places in different cities from where they grew up, and this sounds like their houses (except they've had to buy their own furniture). It's hard to tell from this single sentence whether there's anything 'weird' about his room.
posted by jacalata at 12:10 AM on March 11, 2010
I know a lot of guys nearing 30, who have moved into their own places in different cities from where they grew up, and this sounds like their houses (except they've had to buy their own furniture). It's hard to tell from this single sentence whether there's anything 'weird' about his room.
posted by jacalata at 12:10 AM on March 11, 2010
This thread is the female equivalent of a man saying he just started dating a 400 pound woman who is very "fun" and "sweet," but should he dump her because of her abnormal weight, and 100 men chime in excitedly crying "dump her!", occasionally suggesting that her weight indicates troubling personality flaws, but mostly just making empty, ominous warnings like "Get out of there, quick. My [father] dated a few people like this. really really not good at all."
The man is probably going to dump the fat woman, because men place a great deal of importance on female appearance (which is the real reason why all the analogous male respondents are freaking out). And the poster here will probably dump the momma's boy, because women place a great deal of importance on male status, and living at home at age 40 is very low status (income and education notwithstanding). And all the ominous warnings here hinting there are really deeper, serious reasons to dump him smell a lot like bullshit. His status probably suggests very little about how good a friend, lover, father, or roommate he would be. But it probably does indicate that you will (and probably do) have issues being "properly" attracted to him. But really that seems sufficient enough to me to do what you seemingly came in here to get affirmation about. The momma's boy can date the 400 lb girl.
posted by fucker at 9:46 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
The man is probably going to dump the fat woman, because men place a great deal of importance on female appearance (which is the real reason why all the analogous male respondents are freaking out). And the poster here will probably dump the momma's boy, because women place a great deal of importance on male status, and living at home at age 40 is very low status (income and education notwithstanding). And all the ominous warnings here hinting there are really deeper, serious reasons to dump him smell a lot like bullshit. His status probably suggests very little about how good a friend, lover, father, or roommate he would be. But it probably does indicate that you will (and probably do) have issues being "properly" attracted to him. But really that seems sufficient enough to me to do what you seemingly came in here to get affirmation about. The momma's boy can date the 400 lb girl.
posted by fucker at 9:46 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
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One caveat is that it is one house away from the beach, but I digress.
He dates, and has a ton of friends, and it's just the "normal" for him to live there. Its part of the package for him, and the women who have dated him are OK with that and interact with my mom, like anyone would interact with the mom of their datee.
So, not a deal breaker, per se.
posted by Danf at 4:49 PM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]