How to deal with transference
March 4, 2010 5:53 PM Subscribe
I have a (mostly platonic) crush on my group therapist. I'm aware that this is transference. Since she's a group therapist, I'm not comfortable bringing it up in group. I'm feeling very shy and uncomfortable about the idea of bringing it up in individual therapy. What to do?
I'm a mid-twenties female (and gay), and in group and individual therapy for my eating disorder. I have an individual therapist who I have been seeing for over a year, and I trust her very much. I am also in an eating-disorder therapy group, and I have very intense feelings for the (female) therapist who runs the group. My feels are about 90% platonic, and I'm aware that they are transference. However, I don't know what to do about them.
I would like to talk to the group therapist about them directly - though that would be really, really scary - and work through them with her, but I simply can't do that in a group setting with several people listening, that's not what the eating disorder group is for.
I could definitely bring them up in my individual therapy, and I know my therapist would be understanding and not be threatened or anything. She has a vague idea that there's some transference going on, but has no idea how intense it is. But, I'm terrified to talk about it with her because the emotions are so overwhelming, and because what I REALLY want is to talk about it with the group therapist.
What I'm doing right now is trying to accept that it's transference, it's normal, and it's okay, and waiting for it to pass. I'm sort-of there - I've accepted that it's transference and normal, but it's sort of interfering with my time in the group, I'm more focused on her than the other group members. And it doesn't seem to be lessening much with time.
Additional wrinkle: For a couple of months a few months ago, I saw group therapist individually. It was great, and I wish she was my individual therapist now. But, due to insurance, that's not possible. I think my current individual therapist is aware that i feel this way.
questions - How can I think about this differently? How can I process this on my own? How can I approach my individual therapist? Should I call my group therapist and try to talk to her or set up an individual session?
any advice is appreciated!
throwaway email: therapycrush@gmail.com
I'm a mid-twenties female (and gay), and in group and individual therapy for my eating disorder. I have an individual therapist who I have been seeing for over a year, and I trust her very much. I am also in an eating-disorder therapy group, and I have very intense feelings for the (female) therapist who runs the group. My feels are about 90% platonic, and I'm aware that they are transference. However, I don't know what to do about them.
I would like to talk to the group therapist about them directly - though that would be really, really scary - and work through them with her, but I simply can't do that in a group setting with several people listening, that's not what the eating disorder group is for.
I could definitely bring them up in my individual therapy, and I know my therapist would be understanding and not be threatened or anything. She has a vague idea that there's some transference going on, but has no idea how intense it is. But, I'm terrified to talk about it with her because the emotions are so overwhelming, and because what I REALLY want is to talk about it with the group therapist.
What I'm doing right now is trying to accept that it's transference, it's normal, and it's okay, and waiting for it to pass. I'm sort-of there - I've accepted that it's transference and normal, but it's sort of interfering with my time in the group, I'm more focused on her than the other group members. And it doesn't seem to be lessening much with time.
Additional wrinkle: For a couple of months a few months ago, I saw group therapist individually. It was great, and I wish she was my individual therapist now. But, due to insurance, that's not possible. I think my current individual therapist is aware that i feel this way.
questions - How can I think about this differently? How can I process this on my own? How can I approach my individual therapist? Should I call my group therapist and try to talk to her or set up an individual session?
any advice is appreciated!
throwaway email: therapycrush@gmail.com
Huh. Tough one.
I'm not 100% sold on the idea that any crush on a therapist is all transference. I mean, any crush on anybody is bound to involve some projection, but what if you feel genuine chemistry with this person? I just wonder if it's actually helpful or useful to think about it as transference. I mean, who cares what it is really - the deal is you have to figure out how you want to address your feelings, wherever they come from.
So anyway, back to the point.
Here are your options, as I see them.
1) Quit the group. Pine over therapist or get over her, but don't talk to her again. Pros: appropriate, less angst-filled. Cons: you lose this group you like and you don't get to see the therapist you have a crush on.
2) Quit the group, ask the therapist out. Pros: Maybe you'll get to date her? Cons: could be horribly humiliating - or - on the off chance she says 'yes' - she could be annoying once you get to know her.
3) Stay in the group, say nothing, try to get over it. Pros: you get to stay in the group and avoid making anyone else uncomfortable. Cons: It sounds like this is your current strategy and it is not working well.
4) Stay in the group, but contact her out of group to tell her: Pros: are there pros to this plan? I'm not sure there are. Cons: awkward.
Only you can say which of these options has the most pros and the fewest cons for you personally, but if it were me I'd say just try to stay in the group and forget your feelings.
I know any therapist will tell you suppressing feelings is bad, but in my experience, whether you want to call it "suppressing" or "focusing on other things", faking it till you make it usually works. If it doesn't work for you, I can't imagine how telling her would help your therapeutic process, so maybe you just have to quit.
posted by serazin at 6:19 PM on March 4, 2010
I'm not 100% sold on the idea that any crush on a therapist is all transference. I mean, any crush on anybody is bound to involve some projection, but what if you feel genuine chemistry with this person? I just wonder if it's actually helpful or useful to think about it as transference. I mean, who cares what it is really - the deal is you have to figure out how you want to address your feelings, wherever they come from.
So anyway, back to the point.
Here are your options, as I see them.
1) Quit the group. Pine over therapist or get over her, but don't talk to her again. Pros: appropriate, less angst-filled. Cons: you lose this group you like and you don't get to see the therapist you have a crush on.
2) Quit the group, ask the therapist out. Pros: Maybe you'll get to date her? Cons: could be horribly humiliating - or - on the off chance she says 'yes' - she could be annoying once you get to know her.
3) Stay in the group, say nothing, try to get over it. Pros: you get to stay in the group and avoid making anyone else uncomfortable. Cons: It sounds like this is your current strategy and it is not working well.
4) Stay in the group, but contact her out of group to tell her: Pros: are there pros to this plan? I'm not sure there are. Cons: awkward.
Only you can say which of these options has the most pros and the fewest cons for you personally, but if it were me I'd say just try to stay in the group and forget your feelings.
I know any therapist will tell you suppressing feelings is bad, but in my experience, whether you want to call it "suppressing" or "focusing on other things", faking it till you make it usually works. If it doesn't work for you, I can't imagine how telling her would help your therapeutic process, so maybe you just have to quit.
posted by serazin at 6:19 PM on March 4, 2010
I'm outside my experience here, but I'd recommend meeting more people to crush on (see AskMe for relevant advice on meeting people) as the best way to forget an ill-conceived (you agree it's transference) crush. If the feelings are interfering with the therapy then you might want to change therapists, but it sounds like things are great other than the crushing? Best of luck.
posted by sninctown at 6:29 PM on March 4, 2010
posted by sninctown at 6:29 PM on March 4, 2010
She won't be allowed to date her therapist. There are all kinds of rules/laws against it. I do not have them memorized, but it's a huge no-no.
I'd suggest bringing it up with your individual AND dropping out of group therapy. Nothing else you can do, really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:52 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest bringing it up with your individual AND dropping out of group therapy. Nothing else you can do, really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:52 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is there any way you are able to speak to your group therapist outside of the group? Transference can be one of the best tools with which to understand your relationship patterns and other underlying psychological issues. (Read up on psychodynamic therapy for more information about the importance of transference in the therapeutic process.)
Yes, sometimes crushes are just crushes. But it's worth exploring in a therapy environment, at least with your individual therapist if it's not possible in group. Very best of luck to you - and don't discount your feelings. As most therapists worth their salt would say, if you're not experiencing transference, you're doing it wrong.
posted by meerkatty at 6:58 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, sometimes crushes are just crushes. But it's worth exploring in a therapy environment, at least with your individual therapist if it's not possible in group. Very best of luck to you - and don't discount your feelings. As most therapists worth their salt would say, if you're not experiencing transference, you're doing it wrong.
posted by meerkatty at 6:58 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Does your group therapist ever see members individually? Do you trust her to be able to handle this?
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:58 PM on March 4, 2010
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:58 PM on March 4, 2010
Look, you're in "therapy"... tell your "therapist". They are used to dealing with this and it might be important to the process. I'm sure he/she would be willing to meet with you alone to discuss this. Let the professional decide the best course of action here. At the very least, they can help you find a different group/therapist to use.
posted by Raichle at 7:48 PM on March 4, 2010
posted by Raichle at 7:48 PM on March 4, 2010
Discretion is required. Just because we feel something doesn't mean we are obligated to act on said feelings. You won't actually explode, after all, and you just might save yourself a ton of problems.
Sometimes you have to have a little talk with yourself. "Yes, So-And-So is a marvelous person and if conditions were different it might be worth taking a crack. However, the reality is that making the slightest move would wreck my world and theirs. In the end I'd be worse off and still not be with So-An-So."
Accepting reality wrecks the fantasy and gives you space to think things through.
Take this therapist, for example. There is no chance for anything positive happening by pursuing this except, as has been noted by others, as a topic for further therapy. She won't date you because there is only devastation down that path.
posted by trinity8-director at 8:50 PM on March 4, 2010
Sometimes you have to have a little talk with yourself. "Yes, So-And-So is a marvelous person and if conditions were different it might be worth taking a crack. However, the reality is that making the slightest move would wreck my world and theirs. In the end I'd be worse off and still not be with So-An-So."
Accepting reality wrecks the fantasy and gives you space to think things through.
Take this therapist, for example. There is no chance for anything positive happening by pursuing this except, as has been noted by others, as a topic for further therapy. She won't date you because there is only devastation down that path.
posted by trinity8-director at 8:50 PM on March 4, 2010
Why do you need to bring it up at all? No good can come of it.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:10 PM on March 4, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 9:10 PM on March 4, 2010
Really, this is what group is about. Discovering your feelings and discussing them with others. I had a similar issue not long ago. I was totally crushing on a woman I work with. After some thought, I realized that what made her so attractive to me was that she reminded me of my therapist.
Group is an opportunity to learn about yourself. Bringing this up in group is a great opportunity for you to understand your wants and needs. I would definitely discuss this in group, rather than keeping it to yourself.
posted by SPrintF at 9:36 PM on March 4, 2010
Group is an opportunity to learn about yourself. Bringing this up in group is a great opportunity for you to understand your wants and needs. I would definitely discuss this in group, rather than keeping it to yourself.
posted by SPrintF at 9:36 PM on March 4, 2010
follow-up from the OP
The group is incredibly helpful to me, so I am not currently interested in leaving it. I would prefer to work through this, but even if that's somehow not possible, I'm better off in the group with my current feelings than out of the group.posted by jessamyn at 10:18 PM on March 4, 2010
My insurance is very, very limited, so I cannot switch to a different group or individual therapist. I do like my current individual therapist very much; she would certainly be my second choice as an individual therapist (after the group therapist).
Yes, it's possible for me to contact the group therapist outside the group, and if she thought it was appropriate, I could meet with her and have an individual session with her. I do trust the group therapist enough to talk to her about this, but it would be very difficult and scary for me. I'm also worried that it would be inappropriate to bring it up with her instead of my individual therapist.
Also - there is absolutely zero chance of anything inappropriate or unprofessional happening. I'm not going to let it go there myself, but also this therapist is very, very professional and would never allow it to happen no matter how crazy I got.
I would bring it up to my individual therapist and see what their take is on it.
It is pretty common, but any sort of relationship would cost the therapist their license. As mentioned above it can be avery powerful tool for counseling depending on your therapists style.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 11:08 PM on March 4, 2010
It is pretty common, but any sort of relationship would cost the therapist their license. As mentioned above it can be avery powerful tool for counseling depending on your therapists style.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 11:08 PM on March 4, 2010
Hello,
I could definitely bring them up in my individual therapy, and I know my therapist would be understanding and not be threatened or anything. She has a vague idea that there's some transference going on, but has no idea how intense it is. But, I'm terrified to talk about it with her because the emotions are so overwhelming, and because what I REALLY want is to talk about it with the group therapist.
This is a really intense paragraph.
1) That it even occurred to you that your personal therapist might be threatened by you crushing on someone is interesting. This seems like it is worth bringing up in individual therapy even if you don't bring up the details of who you're crushing on.
2) I definitely understand the raw fear that comes with exposing overwhelming emotions, but you may want to walk through exactly what outcomes you fear. It seems likely to be a benign (if nervous) exercise, except....
3) ...that you REALLY want to share it with the group therapist. This makes me wonder if a lot of the power of this crush isn't the secret nature of it. I can understand you not wanting to talk about it in front of a group, but perhaps your real worry about telling your individual therapist is that once the secret has been shared it will lose its power.
Good luck with this and I hope you find a satisfactory way through it all.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:31 PM on March 4, 2010
I could definitely bring them up in my individual therapy, and I know my therapist would be understanding and not be threatened or anything. She has a vague idea that there's some transference going on, but has no idea how intense it is. But, I'm terrified to talk about it with her because the emotions are so overwhelming, and because what I REALLY want is to talk about it with the group therapist.
This is a really intense paragraph.
1) That it even occurred to you that your personal therapist might be threatened by you crushing on someone is interesting. This seems like it is worth bringing up in individual therapy even if you don't bring up the details of who you're crushing on.
2) I definitely understand the raw fear that comes with exposing overwhelming emotions, but you may want to walk through exactly what outcomes you fear. It seems likely to be a benign (if nervous) exercise, except....
3) ...that you REALLY want to share it with the group therapist. This makes me wonder if a lot of the power of this crush isn't the secret nature of it. I can understand you not wanting to talk about it in front of a group, but perhaps your real worry about telling your individual therapist is that once the secret has been shared it will lose its power.
Good luck with this and I hope you find a satisfactory way through it all.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:31 PM on March 4, 2010
I also wonder if your REALLY wanting to talk about it one on one with the group therapist might not - at some level - be related to the idea that it would mean getting to spend focused and emotionally intense/intimate one on one time with your crush.
This seems like a great issue to bring to your current therapist, who is in a much better position than we are to help you think through your feelings, possible actions, and possible outcomes.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:04 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
This seems like a great issue to bring to your current therapist, who is in a much better position than we are to help you think through your feelings, possible actions, and possible outcomes.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:04 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Talk to your therapist. She is trained to help you deal with overwhelming emotions. She can help you decide whether and how to talk with the group therapist.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:56 AM on March 5, 2010
posted by ottereroticist at 6:56 AM on March 5, 2010
A few sessions with your group therapist to work this out could be a wonderful thing. Of course it would be scary, but that's why it would be important to do.
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:17 AM on March 5, 2010
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:17 AM on March 5, 2010
The things you don't want to talk about in therapy are the things you really should be talking about in therapy. You should talk to the group therapist, individually or in group (eating disorder can take a back seat for one session) or your feelings will fester & grow.
posted by chairface at 3:16 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by chairface at 3:16 PM on March 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you think you could be happier with a different individual therapist, start looking for a new one.
posted by sickinthehead at 6:08 PM on March 4, 2010 [2 favorites]