What can I get for my friend who just had a miscarriage?
February 24, 2010 10:59 AM   Subscribe

What can I get for my friend who just had a miscarriage?

My friend is over 40 and trying to get pregnant again this year. She thought she was pregnant this month but it now looks to be an early miscarriage. She had a much worse miscarriage before she got successfully pregnant with her daughter, but she's still really bummed.

Her nanny has the toddler all day today, and I've offered to babysit this weekend so she can either have a date night or get some sleep. Her husband is an excellent cook, so he'll probably take care of a nice dinner and pick up the slack on childcare.

I was thinking of getting her a bottle of wine, but that might seem... celebratory? Perhaps a good book? I'd get her a pint of nice ice cream, except she's a very healthy eater and wouldn't touch the stuff.

Aside from childcare and support, what can I send home with her husband tonight that might make her feel better?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I think just a nice note saying that you're sorry for her loss would be comforting. You are very kind.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 11:05 AM on February 24, 2010

Everybody's different, but alcohol can be touchy post-miscarriage since it's something she'd be avoiding if she were still pregnant.
posted by messica at 11:10 AM on February 24, 2010

A hug.
posted by domnit at 11:11 AM on February 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

A note. Just a note. Anything else will be either quickly consumed and forgotten, or a permanent reminder of a very painful event. A note will be a lovely reminder that she has friends and can get through this.
posted by Etrigan at 11:24 AM on February 24, 2010

A nice card (sent through regular postal delivery) with a hand written note that she is in your thoughts during this difficult time. Your offer to babysit is wonderful. That kind of gesture will make a difference for her.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:26 AM on February 24, 2010

Flowers, hugs and your ear if she needs it would all, in my experience.
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:27 AM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

My friend got me SuperGirl PJ bottoms. It made me smile. Having them around is a reminder, so it may not be right for everyone. For myself, I feel a surge of gratitude for a friend who knew how to make me smile during a painful time.

Is she a person who enjoys good food? There are tasty, special food items (treats) that don't involve sugar. A book would be a lovely gift and a nice distraction.

Most importantly, offer sympathy and a shoulder if she needs one. Again, this may be a personal thing, but I advise that you don't try to reassure her or say anything to minimize the emotional impact of the loss.

Maybe ask her how she's doing down the line, as well.
posted by moira at 11:33 AM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here's a good link for a nice little package. You are a good friend!
posted by Leezie at 11:34 AM on February 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

A lot depends on the friend, but this may be of interest or work into your plans somehow.

Ceremony For Children Who Have Died
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:40 AM on February 24, 2010

I've been in your shoes and what I learned from my friends is that they didn't want any THINGS. They just wanted my friendship and just offering to hang out/go out to breakfast/have a happy hour drink with them was the best offer of support.
posted by dchrssyr at 12:49 PM on February 24, 2010

This may or may not address your situation directly, but it is something I think is important to communicate about miscarriages generally.

At least where I live, clothing items small enough to bury miscarried/stillborn babies who go early in pregnancy are very hard to find, and so my Mom (a nurse and seamstress) and some of her friends sew a dozen or more tiny, lacy jumpers every month and donate them to local hospitals.

When a longtime friend of mine had a miscarriage, I gave her one. I'll be honest, I thought about it forever and ever before I even did it, and I never asked or pursued further whether or not it was used. And I don't know that burial happens with every miscarriage, or even often. But regardless, not being able to even find a bit of clothing to cover your baby before burial is a trauma that some women face. Can't even imagine.

I also included a note saying I would "help in any capacity, including chores, mail, phone, computer, lawn care, bad pun-ny jokes, long silence, or whatever" and left it at that.
posted by fake at 1:20 PM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

A massage at a spa. It might help her to get back into her body, and to relax.
posted by pickypicky at 1:52 PM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

N thing a hug.
posted by saradarlin at 1:14 AM on February 25, 2010

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