Helping preschooler feel secure during a move
February 23, 2010 10:47 AM Subscribe
Best practices for moving house (within the same town) with a sensitive, imaginative preschooler?
Barring disaster between now and Thursday, we'll be homeowners by the weekend. By the end of April, we'll be moving from our rented side-by-side in a streetcar suburb of Cleveland into a single-family home in the next streetcar suburb of Cleveland. For all practical purposes we'll be in the same town: same local stores, same major landmarks, same friends around.
What has worked well for you with easing this kind of transition for little kids? I know there will be bumps along the way, but would love to hear about things you did that helped your kid feel more secure during this kind of transition.
Possibly relevant info: We moved from another city with our son a year ago, when he was 2, and now he is just turning 3. He's a sensitive, imaginative, stubborn kid, like most other three-year-olds. We've discussed with him that we'll be moving to a new home, and that all of us will live there, with the cats, and all his toys, and furniture (naming these); he seems to be absorbing this news, and neither delighted nor frightened. We're emphasizing that he'll go to the same daycare, we'll have the same car, etc. Last time we made sure his room was the first thing we unpacked fully, and we'll certainly do that again -- it seemed to help him feel "at home."
Barring disaster between now and Thursday, we'll be homeowners by the weekend. By the end of April, we'll be moving from our rented side-by-side in a streetcar suburb of Cleveland into a single-family home in the next streetcar suburb of Cleveland. For all practical purposes we'll be in the same town: same local stores, same major landmarks, same friends around.
What has worked well for you with easing this kind of transition for little kids? I know there will be bumps along the way, but would love to hear about things you did that helped your kid feel more secure during this kind of transition.
Possibly relevant info: We moved from another city with our son a year ago, when he was 2, and now he is just turning 3. He's a sensitive, imaginative, stubborn kid, like most other three-year-olds. We've discussed with him that we'll be moving to a new home, and that all of us will live there, with the cats, and all his toys, and furniture (naming these); he seems to be absorbing this news, and neither delighted nor frightened. We're emphasizing that he'll go to the same daycare, we'll have the same car, etc. Last time we made sure his room was the first thing we unpacked fully, and we'll certainly do that again -- it seemed to help him feel "at home."
When my (lots) younger brother was about to go to school, we did a lot of "playing school", in which we reenacted all manner of school scenarios in ridiculous detail. I think some stuffed animals may joined in. By the time he finally went to school it had been pretty much done to death and school was altogether less mysterious.
posted by emilyw at 11:13 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by emilyw at 11:13 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Encourage him to have responsibilities in picking out his new room. Can he help choose a color to paint the walls? Does he want his bed by the window or near the door? Where should the toy box go? Maybe even let him pick out one new item of furniture at the store, like a toddler-sized chair, and emphasize that it'll arrive when the family moves into the new house. It'll give him a greater sense of control over an overwhelming and new environment.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:19 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zoomorphic at 11:19 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
When you take him to visit the new house, it will be all empty. But when he comes "home" to it for the first time, it will be full of stuff. Would that cause him to not recognize it as the same space? If so, then use the tricks above about going into his new room and pointing out where the bed and toys will be, etc. And also make a point to notice things in the front/back yard, since those will likely not be changed on the day of the move.
This assumes that you would put him in daycare during the day that you actually move.
posted by CathyG at 11:55 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
This assumes that you would put him in daycare during the day that you actually move.
posted by CathyG at 11:55 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
My daughter was conceived and born in our first house, so when we bought a new house 2 years ago (right before her 7th birthday), I was terrified about how she would adjust. She's struggled with anxiety in the past, and to make it worse, the attic access in the new house was a door in the ceiling of her new bedroom. That would have FUCKED my shit UP as a kid.
I stressed about every detail - we talked a ton about the move, we let her pick out how to decorate it (not just paint but all new bedding and wall decorations), and she helped to paint and move stuff in and get set up in her room while we were moving other stuff.
The first night we stayed at the new house... she went right to sleep with no problems at all and has never ever ever seemed to be impacted by the move at ALL.
or by the creepy ceiling portal which happens to be right over her bed :X
I don't know maybe it was my mad parenting skillz but I'm more inclined to say that kids are way tougher and adaptable than we give them credit for.
posted by lilnublet at 11:56 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I stressed about every detail - we talked a ton about the move, we let her pick out how to decorate it (not just paint but all new bedding and wall decorations), and she helped to paint and move stuff in and get set up in her room while we were moving other stuff.
The first night we stayed at the new house... she went right to sleep with no problems at all and has never ever ever seemed to be impacted by the move at ALL.
or by the creepy ceiling portal which happens to be right over her bed :X
I don't know maybe it was my mad parenting skillz but I'm more inclined to say that kids are way tougher and adaptable than we give them credit for.
posted by lilnublet at 11:56 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
The Berenstain Bears Moving Day. Or any other book that goes over and over and over the basic logistics of the whole thing. Also, stress how great this is going to be. Sometimes parents get so worried about how their kid is going to react to something that they overemphasize helping with the negative, i.e.: "I just know you're going to be unhappy about moving so here is this and this and this" while the kid is thinking, "I am? I'm going to be unhappy?" Instead of that scenario, go with "Hey, this is going to be SO GREAT because we're going to have a TREE now and we never had a TREE before." Let the child decide if they're unhappy or happy and tell you, then respond to that.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:07 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:07 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it's possible to create anxiety in kids by assuming that they will be traumatized by something. For adults, expressing upsetting emotions is often taboo, so it's common to signal that it's OK to express them. Like maybe you make announcement to a group and then follow it up with "I know many of you might be feeling shocked by this, but I want you to know...", making it publicly acceptable to express shock by signaling that you are prepared for their emotional reaction.
But kids don't have those kinds of filters on yet and don't understand the meta-signal--they could interpret this to mean you want them to feel traumatized, or they are supposed to. Kids have a whole range of emotional reactions and may be unaware of them, or not know what they mean--framing the situation as a negative one in advance, before anything has even happened, seems like it could backfire.
What I would do is rehearse the process of moving with them, explaining all the steps and making it as concrete as possible. Let him respond with any questions or fears, and deal with those as they come up. Do this several times. He'll probably think through the consequences of the move on his own, and ask you about specific things that matter to him, which is better than you presenting a laundry list of things that are potentially traumatizing and him going, "Hey, I never thought about it like that! You're right, it's totally terrifying!"
posted by AlsoMike at 1:29 PM on February 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
But kids don't have those kinds of filters on yet and don't understand the meta-signal--they could interpret this to mean you want them to feel traumatized, or they are supposed to. Kids have a whole range of emotional reactions and may be unaware of them, or not know what they mean--framing the situation as a negative one in advance, before anything has even happened, seems like it could backfire.
What I would do is rehearse the process of moving with them, explaining all the steps and making it as concrete as possible. Let him respond with any questions or fears, and deal with those as they come up. Do this several times. He'll probably think through the consequences of the move on his own, and ask you about specific things that matter to him, which is better than you presenting a laundry list of things that are potentially traumatizing and him going, "Hey, I never thought about it like that! You're right, it's totally terrifying!"
posted by AlsoMike at 1:29 PM on February 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
My friend recently moved with her husband and 2 year old. They had been over to the new place before, but it had been empty. They had been packing up the house and talking about the move, but of course, he was just interested in the boxes and tape and other immediate new things - he didn't have any idea, really, about what was going to happen.
For the day of the move, they handed him off to a relative who took him to his normal play group, to the library, to other familiar spots. This way mom and dad could orchestrate the move unencumbered. Relative brought him to the new house in the evening, they ordered pizza and sat down exhausted among the boxes. Mom made sure that his new room was set up to a functional and familiar state (his favorite chair out, some books and toys out, crib made, etc) before he arrived. She had paper plates and cups and silverware ready in the kitchen, and Cheerios, milk, a few other snacky things too - all set up before the move. She says was a good call because kid was hungry and wanted comfort food and routine. This worked out pretty well, she says he has been pretty much fine despite a short meltdown the first night. He wanted to explore, try the sink taps, closets, etc; wanted to check that the cat had come with them, etc.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:47 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
For the day of the move, they handed him off to a relative who took him to his normal play group, to the library, to other familiar spots. This way mom and dad could orchestrate the move unencumbered. Relative brought him to the new house in the evening, they ordered pizza and sat down exhausted among the boxes. Mom made sure that his new room was set up to a functional and familiar state (his favorite chair out, some books and toys out, crib made, etc) before he arrived. She had paper plates and cups and silverware ready in the kitchen, and Cheerios, milk, a few other snacky things too - all set up before the move. She says was a good call because kid was hungry and wanted comfort food and routine. This worked out pretty well, she says he has been pretty much fine despite a short meltdown the first night. He wanted to explore, try the sink taps, closets, etc; wanted to check that the cat had come with them, etc.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:47 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Wow, you're over analyzing this. We moved tons as a kids. We were both fine. Same town. Different town. Different country. Didn't matter. Kids are resilient. Teenagers on the other hand...
posted by defcom1 at 3:54 PM on February 23, 2010
posted by defcom1 at 3:54 PM on February 23, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks, all. There are some helpful concrete suggestions in here for maximizing the fun and minimizing the disruption, as one wants to do.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 5:14 PM on February 23, 2010
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 5:14 PM on February 23, 2010
I know there's this rumor that kids hate to move. My brother and I never minded it at all. It was interesting. The new place always had something that the old one didn't. Stairs? A bay window? Crabapples? A basement? A clock built into the stove?
Come to think of it, I still feel that way.
posted by tangerine at 4:47 PM on February 26, 2010
Come to think of it, I still feel that way.
posted by tangerine at 4:47 PM on February 26, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:03 AM on February 23, 2010 [2 favorites]