I'm glad you liked it, but...
February 22, 2010 10:41 AM   Subscribe

Does my guy's preference for one sexual practice over another have any relation to his feelings for me?

So, I've been dating this great guy for a few months. It's not my usual MO, but for a change I thought I'd take things slow. Lots of kissing, fondling, phone sex, etc., but no oral or penetrative sex for awhile. A couple of weeks ago he was about to travel for business, and I thought I'd send him off with a bang, literally. It was lovely. As always with a new lover, I found we may not have our rhythm perfected, but that will happen, and he was very considerate and skilled. I love to give the men that I love blow jobs, so that's the first thing I did for him. We both really enjoyed it. Only thing is, now it's all he talks about. He's still out of town, but we talk and email every day, and he constantly brings up how awesome it was. I'll say, "Yeah, I loved it! But didn't you enjoy the sex too?" And he'll reply, "Yes, it was great, but damn... that blow job!" I'm flattered, but also a little hurt that he's more focused on the blow job than the intimacy of intercourse. Guys, is this a good/bad/neutral sign? I'm in love with this guy - he says he's in love with me, but if that's true, wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him? Or am I just thinking like a girl? By the way, he did return the favor, so that's not an issue.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (41 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

He's happy about something that, with or without reason, a lot of women supposedly don't like to do. It's positive feedback; don't make it a negative.
posted by kittyprecious at 10:47 AM on February 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

You're reading too much into this. He liked the blow job.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 10:48 AM on February 22, 2010 [29 favorites]

Don't beanplate this. You both enjoy being together, and he paid you a compliment (albeit in an unexpected context).

wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him?

Don't confuse notable enjoyment with importance. This is so half-assed you should punch whoever gave you this idea in the face.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:49 AM on February 22, 2010 [10 favorites]

Sounds like this just happened. Sounds like you haven't done anything since then.

Overthinking a plate of beans.
posted by valkyryn at 10:49 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

He liked it. That is a good thing. Don't over-think it.

Or am I just thinking like a girl?

There's no specific way that girls (or women) think, so this makes no sense.
posted by Lobster Garden at 10:49 AM on February 22, 2010 [16 favorites]

Guys, is this a good/bad/neutral sign?

Probably neutral.

I'm in love with this guy - he says he's in love with me, but if that's true, wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him?

Not necessarily. Different people express their feelings in different ways. For some physical intimacy is seen as the height of emotional expression. For others it could be simply spending time together or doing things for the other person or verbal expressions or who knows what.

It's entirely possible that he is trying to communicate his satisfaction with your intimate relationship by repeatedly emphasizing his enjoyment of an act where you alone had an active role. In essence he could be trying to say "that was great and it was all you, baby."

And remember: this is a relatively new relationship and you may be overthinking it especially given the vagaries of telephone conversations and email. Sometimes a compliment for a really fantastic sexual act is just a compliment for a really fantastic sexual act.
posted by jedicus at 10:53 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you made him a lasagna for dinner with a chocolate cupcake for dessert and for weeks afterward he told everyone about the awesome cupcake you made, it doesn't mean he doesn't also enjoy lasagna.

Lasagna is delicious. Everyone loves lasagna. Most people will gladly have lasagna every time it is offered to them and they will enjoy it. Everyone is grateful for a nice dish of lasagna.

But goddamn, a great cupcake is a very special thing.
posted by bondcliff at 10:54 AM on February 22, 2010 [78 favorites]

I mostly second the "he probably just liked it" viewpoints. Other possibilities, none of which would reflect his feelings about you: he has a general preference for oral over vaginal sex, and/or he's concerned over his performance when it comes to vaginal sex.

Only real ways to know are to ask him, and/or to get to know his preferences in bed directly (if that's what you want to do).
posted by feckless at 10:55 AM on February 22, 2010

I'm not a guy, but maybe think of it this way:

You've had some pretty great spaghetti in your life, and you love spaghetti, and one night you go to an Italian restaurant and have some really fabulous spaghetti. "God," you think, "that was great!" Then a waiter brings you a cupcake. You've eaten cupcakes before, but they've always been dry, and most don't have enough frosting for your taste. You've never really had a good one. You bite into this cupcake and it's divine, and suddenly you realize why people love cupcakes, and you realize you love cupcakes, and you never want this cupcake to end.

The chef comes out and asks you what you thought of the meal. "That cupcake was fucking amazing!!!" you say.

"But what about the spaghetti?" he says. "The spaghetti is the heart and soul of my meal, it's my most important dish!"

"Oh," you say "I loved the spaghetti, it was delicious and it was everything spaghetti should be, and I can't wait to eat it again, but let me tell you, that fucking cupcake, I'm going to be dreaming about it all night."

You're not trying to tell the chef that you hated the spaghetti. You're just trying to tell him he made a miracle happen when he baked you that cupcake.
posted by sallybrown at 10:55 AM on February 22, 2010 [14 favorites]

Worrying a lot about how someone's turn-ons may be related to their feelings for you can be corrosive. So can the idea that specific sexual acts are "better" because they feel more intimate to one person or the other. For a lot of people, its just not realistic to expect that the most intimate feeling sexual act is also the act that makes them the most aroused.

I recommend focusing on how he treats you, if he can express his feelings with compassion and honesty, etc.

And have fun!
posted by serazin at 10:55 AM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him? Or am I just thinking like a girl?

You made him happy and he's talking to you about you making him happy. This is as it should be. There are all sorts of ways to have sex and, to be honest, not all intercourse is face-to-face and/or "intimate"

So, the answer to your question is: no. And I don't even think you can ascertain that this is a preference. Put another way, knowing what I know about dudes, blowjobs are a little more out of the ordinary and/or special than intercourse. That said, if they had to do without one of them [blowjobs or fucking] they'd say "bye-bye blowjob!" [I am wildly overgeneralizing here, but this is my experiential perspective].

If it's continuing to bother you after you've had a bunch of other sex together, please feel free to bring it up in a "this made me feel a little weird" way [not in a "don't you value face-to-face intercourse?" way please] but in the meantime, I'd try not to worry about it, it sounds like things are fine.
posted by jessamyn at 10:56 AM on February 22, 2010

wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him?

Why do you assume a blow job is less "intimate" than plain old intercourse?

The only conclusions that you can or should draw from this are that A) your guy likes oral sex, and B) you're apparently pretty good at it. And possibly C) you have a tendency to overthink relationship issues.
posted by ook at 10:58 AM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

I have a slightly different take than the comments so far.

I have no opinion as to what this means wrt intimacy for him. I think this is just something you've going to discover in time- whether oral sex in particular or any kind of of sex is purely physical for him; whether he just really likes oral sex, or something else.

But I think it's totally okay if intercourse is intimate for *you* and you need or want it to be intimate for the other person. You don't have to disparage yourself by saying you're "thinking like a girl." And even if you were "thinking like a girl" whatever that is, what you want out of a relationship is just as valid as someone who isn't thinking like that.

So- I think you can just wait and see as you get to know him better.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:58 AM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

Last night my wife and I went out to a really, really great steak house know for its prime rib. I love prime rib and I had been looking forward to going to this place for a long long time. On our way home from the meal, I kept talking about how good the creamed spinach was. Raving about it. My wife, confused, asked what was wrong with the steak. But there was nothing wrong with the prime rib. It was great. Amazing, probably the best prime rib I've ever had. It was everything I thought it was going to be. But I'll be damned, I was not expecting the creamed spinach to be THAT good.
posted by phelixshu at 11:03 AM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him?

This slight speed-bump may be an indication that the two of you have different attitudes towards sex.

If you don't want to talk about blowjobs, just say "I like that you like what I do, but could we not talk about blowjobs so much... I will still give them to you."
posted by KokuRyu at 11:03 AM on February 22, 2010

He also might have been in one or several previous relationships in which blowjobs only happened on birthdays or whatever-- or maybe not at all. So it could be the novelty of it that is making him bring it up constantly, in that he's so thrilled that he gets to start having them again.

Playfully assure him it will happen again along with many other kinds of sex, and that you like to mix things up. He should get the message that he shouldn't expect it every time, but also that "cupcakes" aren't just for birthdays.
posted by egeanin at 11:07 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

In your own write-up you describe the oral as something you "both really enjoyed" whereas "we may not have our rhythm perfected" was the editorial comment on the intercourse. So it sounds like he may be praising that which was in fact objectively better. It could also be that it really is his very favorite thing. Over time you will learn which is the case. Even if he in fact prefers oral, it doesn't indicate that there are intimacy issues or that anything else is wrong. It is way too soon to get stressed about that. Sometimes my wife will press my buttons just perfectly one way or another and I'll obsess about how awesome it was for a week or three, but it doesn't really mean anything about how much I love everything else she does.

On an semi-unrelated side note, I'm totally getting cupcakes to go with my pasta dinner tonight. I had no idea.
posted by Lame_username at 11:13 AM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

I also want to emphasize that his sexual likes and dislikes are not connected to whether or not he loves you.

Great sallybrown now I'm all horny for cupcakes.

Welcome to my life.

And I guess bondcliff and I were indoctrinated in the same Italian food = sex and cupcakes = blow jobs school of analogy?
posted by sallybrown at 11:17 AM on February 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him

You should probably take a few minutes to sit down and repeat to yourself that this is your idea (that face-to-face intercourse is more intimate), not necessarily his. You're assuming that he thinks this, and so talking about the blowjob means he found the less intimate act more enjoyable. But you don't know this, and you're projecting your own preconceptions about sex and intimacy onto him. That's a good way to cause some serious misunderstandings down the road.
posted by fatbird at 11:35 AM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

One thing it seems other people haven't addressed yet is the way you constructed this particular encounter. Your "sending him off with a bang" seems to have been planned, at least partially, to get a specific reaction out of him. Because you didn't get that specific reaction, you're displeased.

It is my experience that fishing for specific reactions with such things is counter-productive. Do it because you like doing it, because he likes it (in general), because it's the right thing for the moment. Making sex an Event (with all the concomitant expectations) creates a situation ripe for misunderstanding and disappointment.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:39 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm going to add another perspective to the growing list of food analogies.

Say you go out with this guy one night. You share a slice of chocolate cake and a cup of coffee, then you take him to a walk on the beach, where you've hidden a bottle of champagne and two glasses. You and he sit and talk while sipping the champagne. The sea air is crisp but inviting, the moon is full, a jazz band is playing somewhere in the distance. After an hour or two of sipping and enjoying each other's company, he looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you for the first time. You tell him you love him, too, and you kiss and hold each other while watching the surf.

Okay, next day, you ask "so, how was the champagne?" He says "Oh, quite good! Not as good as that chocolate cake, though, man!" And your feelings are hurt because drinking champagne with him was one of the most special things you've ever done.

Here's the thing, you're not really asking how the champagne was. What you mean is "How was the experience of drinking champagne with me and falling in love?" But he's just answering about the champagne.

Sex is weird for, I dare to say, most people. Most people can understand the difference between great champagne and a great evening drinking champagne, but it's harder to see the difference between great sex and a great evening having sex for the first time with someone for whom you have feelings.

It sounds like you don't want to hear how he liked the sex. It sounds like you want to hear about how he feels about you, and you're thinking that how he feels about the sex and how he feels about you are the same thing. They are, for whatever reason, not the same thing to him.

He's told you he loves you. If you believe him, that's all you need in order to know how he feels. If you don't believe him, than all the great sex in the world won't settle things.
posted by lore at 11:47 AM on February 22, 2010 [8 favorites]

Say you went to The Olive Garden, where you get treated like family. And you were torn between the unlimited breadsticks/ salad bar combination, or that creamy dish with the pasta and the little red things in it. You know the one. And then you thought, hey, what about that lasagne, or that spaghetti, or maybe the prime rib and creamed spinach. What if I bought all of those things home and asked my boyfriend to rub them all over me and then have sex with me?

So you end up paying a couple hundred bucks for crappy takeout from The Olive Garden. And then on the way home you stop at Sprinkles for a chocolate cupcake. You take everything home and tell your boyfriend about your idea and all he wants to do is try the cupcake. Guess what...you just found out that your boyfriend REALLY loves chocolate cupcakes!

In summation: Cupcakes are good. And you are VERY good at giving blow jobs. Don't overthink the tray of cupcakes. Just be flattered!
posted by iconomy at 12:15 PM on February 22, 2010 [8 favorites]

There are also a lot of REALLY, REALLY bad cupcakes out there. Enough that one might go overboard in appreciating when a great one comes along. Take the compliment, stop over-thinking it and then get to work on coming up with a really dynamite lasagna technique...
posted by wkearney99 at 12:22 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

I can't really answer as to whether your man "should" find face-to-face sex more intimate, but I'll say that there are quite a few folks out here in the real world who consider oral sex far more intimate than vaginal sex. I'm one of those... I mean... putting my mouth on a guy's penis? Yeah, that requires far more trust and intimacy than vaginal intercourse. Maybe that's screwy thinking, but it is what it is.

To that end, if the guy I was with raved about getting a blow job from me, then (1) I'd be pleased; (2) I wouldn't think of the raving as taking away from vaginal intercourse at all; and (3) he'd be insuring he'd get more blow jobs in the future (positive reinforcement works!).

Don't overthink this, for your own sanity. :)
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 12:29 PM on February 22, 2010

Maybe he's never had a good one until you came along and raised the bar.

In that case, I think you should be patting yourself on the back.
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:54 PM on February 22, 2010

I love the food analogies but seriously, you gave the cupcake to A STARVING MAN! Of course the cupcake tasted like the most delicious thing on earth. The cupcake was like the first breath of a baby, water in the desert, shelter in a monsoon, a warm fire... the rest was gravy, but GREAT gravy! Because, after the cupcake, he was still hungry, but famished? Not so much.
posted by Acacia at 12:59 PM on February 22, 2010

wkearney99 speaks the truth: A guy is often served a cupcake (or is it lasagna? I'm confused) that doesn't really do it. Because it's A Thing, you have to say you like it. When a good one comes along, it is somewhat expected (though less than tasteful) to overreact.
posted by Dr Dracator at 1:03 PM on February 22, 2010

I'll go out on a limb and say that, to the right kind of guy, a great blowjob is sometimes more indicative of intimacy than intercourse.

Everyone has intercourse. It's in every movie. It's on every television show. To make a golf analogy, intercourse is par.

Not everyone gives great hummers. Being the sole focus of the act, being welcomed like that ... damn!

That's not to say that one shouldn't be enjoyed to the exclusivity of the other. And intercourse is certainly, ahem, a multiplayer experience. Just don't underestimate the almighty blow job.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:07 PM on February 22, 2010

i dont think that is has anything to do with his feelings
posted by SilverSunrise at 1:07 PM on February 22, 2010

Hmm. But when you wrote that he "constantly" brings up sex, I got the sense that you have been thinking "Please stop talking about sex like this" or at least "so frequently." Like, perhaps that's what's making you feel so weird? (Though you sound fairly forthright about sex and comfortable talking about it.) Is he being perhaps a bit too dudelike with all this blowjob talk? I know that I feel uncomfortable with someone bring up over and over sexual performance--I wonder if that is skeeving you the tiniest bit?
posted by RJ Reynolds at 1:59 PM on February 22, 2010

Blow jobs rule. I bet, too, that part of what made yours so awesome was the enthusiasm you exhibited before, during, and after the act. Frankly, the only thing better than a good BJ is a girl who likes to give a BJ and doesn't consider it a chore.
posted by teg4rvn at 2:16 PM on February 22, 2010

ok anon, all food-related analogies aside, lemme tell you something as maybe a little older and wiser lady (dunno, but perhaps).

I'm not a guy, but I've had the care and feeding of a few, and friendships and intimate conversations with many, many. Guess what? Among all of them, and that includes my gay friends (and there have been a bunch) there is unanimous agreement that a truly great BJ is both notable and rare. Definitely among my hetero guy friends, I have, over the years, gotten the impression that a "good one" is pretty darn elusive. Granted my anecdotes do not add up to a reliable data sample, but hey, it's what I've got.

So to nth all the commentary above, I'm thinking it's probably maybe his first truly remarkable one, and he's really, really stoked about that. End of analysis.

The thing I'm more concerned with potentially is what fatbird pointed out. It sounds like you are sailing around in the dangerous waters of asking for one thing, while expecting a different, and potentially completely unrelated answer. Let me tell you something else I've learned over the years. It is this: People are not mind readers. So expecting them to be, and especially in the context of relationship related topics, is a one-way trip to Insanityville.

In other words, this is not about any "men are from Mars" bullshit. It's about learning how to ask for what you really want an answer to, not something tangentially related or obscure. That's a completely gender neutral, complex issue that a lot of PEOPLE have problems articulating, particularly if they're young, inexperienced, and/or have had poor relationship role models (this could include family, friends, the media, whatever). Hey, it's scary sometimes to ask for what you really want the answers to. It's so much easier to make it all about something else.

I remember back when I was about four years old and my mom and dad (pre-divorce) were having a screaming fight over something inane like who left the cap off the toothpaste... and thinking in my own sort of muddleheaded four-year-old way "why don't they just yell at each other about why Dad didn't come home again last night?".

I mean, that's an extreme example, but it's classic textbook deflecting the issue / avoidance and in this case, my mom was afraid to confront Dad over his absences (a Big Deal), so she made it completely about something that really wasn't a big deal, hoping he'd magically become a mind-reader and figure it out on his own.

Mind, I'm not saying there's anything wrong at all with your current relationship (quite the opposite, it seems!), I'm merely pointing out what the potential ultimate evolution of this line of thinking can be.

So, while you're overthinking your plate of cupcakes there, you might also try to learn how to identify and tone down this sort of crazymaking, hypercritical thought pattern before it ever becomes a Big Deal, because you can slowly poison your own fulfillment and happiness with the whole relationship (or any other relationship, really) by avoidance, and/or projecting your potentially completely unrealistic expectations onto someone else who has NO FREAKING CLUE what they are, or even how to react to them.

beware that path, because down it be the twin evil fire-breathing dragons named Disappointment and Resentment.
posted by lonefrontranger at 2:27 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

Jewish mother joke my family always tells: so this jewish mother buys her son two ties. At the very next family dinner, he wears one of the ties. She looks at him bitterly and says,"so. You didn't like the other tie."

He liked both! Maybe he has never had such a great BJ before. Maybe because sex is more intimate, he feels less comfortable discussing it in a raunchy or removed way. You're fine. This is not a problem.
posted by prefpara at 2:30 PM on February 22, 2010 [8 favorites]

Have you guys done anything since then? Is this a pattern? It sounds like no. Stop overthinking one night of sex and related comments.

If all he talks about for 6 months is your blowjob skills, well then, possibly you might have an issue to work out.
posted by asciident at 5:56 PM on February 22, 2010

wouldn't the intimacy of face-to-face intercourse be more important to him?

Though you might get the opposite idea from reading articles about Kids These Days and the Decline of Morals, enthusiastic and high-quality oral sex remains something of a rarity. Many women won't do it at all; many who are willing to do it do so grudgingly or poorly.

So I, personally, don't assign much weight to oral sex -- it feels ok, and I think of it as a normal part of foreplay, but otherwise not that big of a deal. Like Jessamyn says above, if I had to chose which to never do again, I'd leave blow jobs behind without a second thought.

But even so, I'll notice a good blow job much more than I'll notice good sex. Intercourse is expected (at the appropriate point in the relationship, etc); good oral sex is not. And depending on how it is done, oral sex can be a million times more intimate than intercourse, face to face or otherwise.

So, enjoy his enthusiastic appreciation of your skills, but don't necessarily assume that it means anything more than "wow, that was great!" I'm willing to bet that he isn't expecting, nor would he want, your future sex life to be 100% oral. It's a great treat, and lets you stand out from the crowd, but man cannot live from cupcakes alone.
posted by Forktine at 7:19 PM on February 22, 2010

OK, so everyone is adding perspectives...

I have been married for nearly 30 years.
Every once in a while I still think of that BJ I got from a girlfriend in a previous life.
I know better than to rave about it around the house, but you get the idea... it was pretty good.
posted by Drasher at 8:12 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

When my fellow human males talk about sexual pleasure, I'd generally say their enthusiasm for good oral sex is unmatched except by their enthusiasm for supermodel 3-ways. It's just a thing, I guess.
posted by Xezlec at 9:04 PM on February 22, 2010

I'm thinking you might just relax a little before he comes back and hopefully returns the favor. Maybe he has some skills you are not aware of at this time. Perhaps his enthusiasm includes what he has in mind for your happiness.

For some folks, the face-to-face is the perfect thing. For others, it's the 69 or the reverse cowgirl or whatever. After the waiting, and I'm a fan of anticipation, it seems to me like he's paying you a compliment and can't wait to see you again. He also may be a little single-track because all he can think of is you and the wonderful present you gave him. First time, and all he has to do is lie back and enjoy it. That is a lovely and loving thing you gave to him. I'm sure he's very appreciative. I don't think he's gonna be all only wanting BJs all the time when he gets back.

To continue the food analogies (and those have been very fun and explanatory), nobody wants chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting every day, but when you do get to have it, it sure is sinfully GOOD. A healthy diet includes a lot of variety. You two have just started exploring the menu. As I'm sure you know, there's a lot more on it besides steak and desert.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:31 AM on February 23, 2010

The first time a guy has sex w/ a girl, it's not unlikely that he was more focused on his own performance than on how it felt. Especially if there'd been a lot of build-up and anticipation while you guys were taking it slow. so it'd be no surprise if the BJ is the part where he had the time to take a mental step back and say "wait, hold on... this is awesome!"
posted by patnasty at 1:36 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

For men at first it's a lot of physical stuff and many men feel extremely great with some physical deeds.

To boot, you guys had been holding off for a while, which really helped building up anticipation and things that would be done together.

As always with a new lover, I found we may not have our rhythm perfected, but that will happen, and he was very considerate and skilled.

For sex to get better, it will take time, effort, and mutual consideration along with communication.

I love to give the men that I love blow jobs, so that's the first thing I did for him. We both really enjoyed it. Only thing is, now it's all he talks about.

He's just really really impressed by the bj. Probably never had dat sizzlin' of a bj in his life. Plus it's easy for men to get fixated on really really good bjs.

The emotional side and the sex will come provided it's coming in from both sides...seems like it needs time because it's a new relationship.

You can share with him now that you find intercourse more desirable for you and he finds bjs more desirable for him. That way both of you understand what it is that the both of you like and want. It's about giving to each other what each other want as long as there isn't discomfort.

It seems like you wonder whether his encouragement or amazement at the blowjob is really a pointed praise of your abilities versus the intimacy of the intercourse. It's not worth viewing it as either or, rather view it as "and". We have good sex, we work at it, "and" we give great head!

Enjoy the sex, enjoy the bj, enjoy the life together to build a better bond.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 10:55 AM on February 23, 2010

He has had better sex before and he knows that you have too.

He isn't going to talk about the "intimacy of face-to-face intercourse".

He loves you and wants to have the best sex of your lives together but knows that that was not it.

He should have mentioned the sex but he knows it'll be better next time.

In the meantime...That BJ! Now that was spot on. More of that please and thank you.
posted by stealabove at 1:29 PM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

« Older Help me help my anxious, bipolar, stressed-out...   |   Privacy, woman! Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.