How do I support my mother?
February 22, 2010 7:14 AM Subscribe
FinanceFilter: In a few months I will need to financially support my mother, who lives in another state. I am looking for advice on how to handle (practically and emotionally) being my mother's main financial support.
I know I will eventually need to see a financial advisor and/or lawyer But those are expensive, and as explained below, I am about to not have a lot of free cash. I am hoping for free advice and resources to at least get me going.
My mother is unemployed, and her benefits will run out in about a month. She will have about $500 of SSI benefits, but no other income. No health insurance, either. She lives in an area with a lower than average cost of living.
I have some doubts about her ability, physically and mentally, to get or keep regular employment. She is 63 and in fair health: some joint pain, some depression/anxiety, and increasing forgetfulness. She cannot be trusted with money- giving her cash to manage herself is simply not an option. It will disappear. No drugs or anything like that, just a lifelong inability to manage money. There don't seem to be other options for income (i.e., disability). I believe she will be eligible for food stamps, but she will likely be too proud to apply for them and I can't force her to. I don't know anything about Medicaid, or where to inquire for information.
My mother and I have struggled with our relationship in the past, with much of the problems stemming from her constantly pushing for more (time, emotionally, financially) from me, and me being unable to set limits. She does this with everyone, and consequently has some trouble keeping jobs and friends. She is still in contact with some cousins, but otherwise has no family left. Our relationship has improved in the past few years, but isn't perfect yet. Having her move in with us would be disastrous for my relationship with both my mother and my partner, so I don't want to go down that road unless there aren't any options left.
I am newly out of graduate school and I have a decent job that I started in the last few months. I live with and share expenses with my significant other. We bring in over $100,000/year between the two of us. I have significant student loan debt (about $800/month). We don't have any debt beyond my student loans. We have household expenses of a little over $2000 a month, including car expenses. We are trying to save aggressively, as it is possible that our geographic and job situations will have to change in two to three years and we aren't sure that if one of us has to get a new job it will pay as well as our current positions. We would also like to have children in 2-4 years, so we are building a cushion for that. We are both putting money into 401Ks with no employer match. We JUST starting saving since we both just started working.
My current plan is to make my mother's rent and utility payments (maybe around $900-1000/month) directly to the landlord/utility company every month and ask her to try to stretch her SSI to cover everything else. I don't want to send cash or a lump sum check, as it surely won't go to the intended recipients and she will end up behind on rent and other bills. I am worried that I couldn't say no to the inevitable requests for more cash so she won't get evicted/lose her electricity/etc.
I don't know if it is fair to ask her to cover her food, phone, transportation, medical, and other expenses on a little over $500/month. Is my plan workable?
I also don't know how to strike the proper balance between a comfortable life and safety net for me and my partner on one hand, and not being selfish/helping my mother on the other hand. If I was in her situation, I would hope my child would be generous. I don't want to risk our future and our retirement savings, though, so we don't find ourselves in the same situation when we hit 60. Also, how do I handle the inevitable requests for more? I already feel incredibly guilty that I live fairly comfortably and my mother struggles, but I will have to set limits somewhere.
Finally, are there any practicalities I haven't thought of? Will making her rent payments make me liable on the lease? Should I set up a trust in case something happens to me? Someone mentioned long-term care insurance-- does anyone have experience with that? Is it worth it? Are there any other long-term solutions I should be exploring? Is this something a social worker could help with?
I apologize if this is scattered. I don't know exactly what advice to ask for since I feel really lost in this. I feel like I am not really stable myself and I am totally overwhelmed at the thought of having to support someone else.
I know I will eventually need to see a financial advisor and/or lawyer But those are expensive, and as explained below, I am about to not have a lot of free cash. I am hoping for free advice and resources to at least get me going.
My mother is unemployed, and her benefits will run out in about a month. She will have about $500 of SSI benefits, but no other income. No health insurance, either. She lives in an area with a lower than average cost of living.
I have some doubts about her ability, physically and mentally, to get or keep regular employment. She is 63 and in fair health: some joint pain, some depression/anxiety, and increasing forgetfulness. She cannot be trusted with money- giving her cash to manage herself is simply not an option. It will disappear. No drugs or anything like that, just a lifelong inability to manage money. There don't seem to be other options for income (i.e., disability). I believe she will be eligible for food stamps, but she will likely be too proud to apply for them and I can't force her to. I don't know anything about Medicaid, or where to inquire for information.
My mother and I have struggled with our relationship in the past, with much of the problems stemming from her constantly pushing for more (time, emotionally, financially) from me, and me being unable to set limits. She does this with everyone, and consequently has some trouble keeping jobs and friends. She is still in contact with some cousins, but otherwise has no family left. Our relationship has improved in the past few years, but isn't perfect yet. Having her move in with us would be disastrous for my relationship with both my mother and my partner, so I don't want to go down that road unless there aren't any options left.
I am newly out of graduate school and I have a decent job that I started in the last few months. I live with and share expenses with my significant other. We bring in over $100,000/year between the two of us. I have significant student loan debt (about $800/month). We don't have any debt beyond my student loans. We have household expenses of a little over $2000 a month, including car expenses. We are trying to save aggressively, as it is possible that our geographic and job situations will have to change in two to three years and we aren't sure that if one of us has to get a new job it will pay as well as our current positions. We would also like to have children in 2-4 years, so we are building a cushion for that. We are both putting money into 401Ks with no employer match. We JUST starting saving since we both just started working.
My current plan is to make my mother's rent and utility payments (maybe around $900-1000/month) directly to the landlord/utility company every month and ask her to try to stretch her SSI to cover everything else. I don't want to send cash or a lump sum check, as it surely won't go to the intended recipients and she will end up behind on rent and other bills. I am worried that I couldn't say no to the inevitable requests for more cash so she won't get evicted/lose her electricity/etc.
I don't know if it is fair to ask her to cover her food, phone, transportation, medical, and other expenses on a little over $500/month. Is my plan workable?
I also don't know how to strike the proper balance between a comfortable life and safety net for me and my partner on one hand, and not being selfish/helping my mother on the other hand. If I was in her situation, I would hope my child would be generous. I don't want to risk our future and our retirement savings, though, so we don't find ourselves in the same situation when we hit 60. Also, how do I handle the inevitable requests for more? I already feel incredibly guilty that I live fairly comfortably and my mother struggles, but I will have to set limits somewhere.
Finally, are there any practicalities I haven't thought of? Will making her rent payments make me liable on the lease? Should I set up a trust in case something happens to me? Someone mentioned long-term care insurance-- does anyone have experience with that? Is it worth it? Are there any other long-term solutions I should be exploring? Is this something a social worker could help with?
I apologize if this is scattered. I don't know exactly what advice to ask for since I feel really lost in this. I feel like I am not really stable myself and I am totally overwhelmed at the thought of having to support someone else.
You could also call 211 in your area. It's like 911, but for non-emergency social services. Your area probably has a website directory.
Given that she's on SSI, she could probably qualify for Section 8 housing. It would be worth checking the community development corporations in your town to see if they have affordable housing for seniors. I worked for a CDC that had a whole building for the over-55s, with a staff person for resident services. Her responsibility was to arrange workshops and activities, handle the food closet, connect residents to resources. It's an intermediate step toward assisted living, although I should be clear that people living in these kinds of places *are* living independently; they just have this other resource.
Also, you could take to get a benefits screening at the National Council on Aging in your area. They would definitely be able to assist with the Medicaid application process.
posted by emkelley at 7:58 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Given that she's on SSI, she could probably qualify for Section 8 housing. It would be worth checking the community development corporations in your town to see if they have affordable housing for seniors. I worked for a CDC that had a whole building for the over-55s, with a staff person for resident services. Her responsibility was to arrange workshops and activities, handle the food closet, connect residents to resources. It's an intermediate step toward assisted living, although I should be clear that people living in these kinds of places *are* living independently; they just have this other resource.
Also, you could take to get a benefits screening at the National Council on Aging in your area. They would definitely be able to assist with the Medicaid application process.
posted by emkelley at 7:58 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
take *her*. Not enough coffee, I guess. Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by emkelley at 7:59 AM on February 22, 2010
posted by emkelley at 7:59 AM on February 22, 2010
You should make the food stamps a requirement - if she's accepting help from you, she can accept help from the system that she has already paid into. And it might be useful for her to know that it's not like you present literal stamps or even coupons - you get a kind of debit card to swipe and grocery store clerks are familiar with how they work. Really - no shame in using them to supplement the $500. And definitely contact the Area Agency on Aging - they'll guide you through the resources, and present a few options.
posted by barnone at 8:06 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by barnone at 8:06 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe I'm cold hearted, but I think you should tell your mother that she needs to work and take care of herself. It is not your burden to carry that she never learned to handle money. Teh only help I would offer her is helping her apply for food stamps and Medicaid. IT is a tangled web, but if you got through grad school, you can take an afternoon and figure it out for her.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:47 AM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 8:47 AM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
You will save money in the long run if you spend it on a financial advisor and/or lawyer now. Please, please do this--even just one appointment.
posted by sallybrown at 9:01 AM on February 22, 2010
posted by sallybrown at 9:01 AM on February 22, 2010
Get her on a Section 8 program if at all possible. That will cover her rent.
The rest she should be able to handle, even with $500/month.
She's been wanting more from you all your life, and you're just about to give it to her, PLUS put yourself in the situation of being THE ONE PERSON she looks to for everything.
Do not do this. Figure something else out. Get her on programs that will allow her to lead her life on her own. At 62, if her SSI benefits are so little she must not have worked all that much in her life, and if she has no savings...well...unless she spent it all on you, then again, that's her problem and if she has to swallow some pride in order to live then that's what has to happen.
You are not responsible for financing her pride - especially when it's apparently not based on anything related to bringing in an income for herself, or self-sufficiency. If she won't get food stamps or go to meal programs and food banks, then she is deciding to starve herself. If she doesn't have enough money for clothing but refuses to go to clothing banks, then again, she's not clothing herself.
My prediction is that the more you make yourself available to her the more she will think she needs of you, and that the less you do for her (other than putting her in contact with the right people, like maybe a social worker), the more she will miraculously appear to be more self sufficient and capable.
posted by lorrer at 9:14 AM on February 22, 2010 [7 favorites]
The rest she should be able to handle, even with $500/month.
She's been wanting more from you all your life, and you're just about to give it to her, PLUS put yourself in the situation of being THE ONE PERSON she looks to for everything.
Do not do this. Figure something else out. Get her on programs that will allow her to lead her life on her own. At 62, if her SSI benefits are so little she must not have worked all that much in her life, and if she has no savings...well...unless she spent it all on you, then again, that's her problem and if she has to swallow some pride in order to live then that's what has to happen.
You are not responsible for financing her pride - especially when it's apparently not based on anything related to bringing in an income for herself, or self-sufficiency. If she won't get food stamps or go to meal programs and food banks, then she is deciding to starve herself. If she doesn't have enough money for clothing but refuses to go to clothing banks, then again, she's not clothing herself.
My prediction is that the more you make yourself available to her the more she will think she needs of you, and that the less you do for her (other than putting her in contact with the right people, like maybe a social worker), the more she will miraculously appear to be more self sufficient and capable.
posted by lorrer at 9:14 AM on February 22, 2010 [7 favorites]
PS recognize that this situation isn't just happening to you, somehow you and your mom have both decided to make her problem your problem. To the extent you want to allow yourself to be involved in fixing her problem, you should put your efforts into finding a long-term solution where she is stable and self-reliant.
posted by lorrer at 9:18 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lorrer at 9:18 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even if you do pay her rent (even though I wouldn't), realize that the way you set things up in the beginning is crucial, and it sounds like right now you've given her no time limits--just the promise of paying her rent. She will take advantage of this for as long as possible, and then guilt you in a few years when she is 65. Don't. The best way is to start now--section 8, making food stamps and looking for work a prerequisite to receiving your temporary help--since her ability to find meaningful employment is just going to get worse. It sounds like you're setting her up for good unless you make perfectly clear that this is temporary, which it sounds like you haven't done.
posted by blazingunicorn at 9:50 AM on February 22, 2010
posted by blazingunicorn at 9:50 AM on February 22, 2010
1) Definitely talk to the Agency on Aging.
2) Talk to social services, too. There are a lot more resources out there than people realize and a lot more tricks to the system than your mom might be able to handle on her own.
From watching friends go through similar things, I can only recommend you run everything by her social worker. It has happened that paying for something one time has made the payer the "financially responsible party." (In the situation I'm thinking of, it turned out better to gift the money to the person and then have them pay the bill themselves.)
3) Once you know the lay of the land, talk to a financial planner if you can find one who specializes in seniors.
The rest she should be able to handle, even with $500/month.
This isn't necessarily true. She's uninsured and will be until she's 65. Even insured, copayments alone are often hundreds of dollars and only some medications are covered. (Example from Nor. Calif: colonoscopy copayment was $250 at Kaiser 3 years ago.) Vitamin supplements, even when recommended by your MD, aren't covered. Even without medical costs, $500 is hard to live on if you have a car and want to eat decent food- both things that are useful to keep you healthy and mentally alert. Even if you are lucky enough to live someplace with public transportation, when you're old and sick, waiting in the rain for a bus crowded with screaming high schoolers is a lot to ask.
Explaining to your Mom that not applying for welfare is a burden on YOU might will help with that part. I agree that it needs to be a condition of you helping her. For both of your sakes, she needs to be willing to take some steps towards taking care of herself. She isn't helpless, even if she acts it.
I would talk to a financial coach or at least a therapist for yourself too, to help you keep your boundaries strong. I think you're doing the right thing, but it's a big big stressor and you really need to make sure you're giving out of abundance, not substance (financially AND emotionally). Take advantage of all the help you can possibly get.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:40 AM on February 22, 2010
2) Talk to social services, too. There are a lot more resources out there than people realize and a lot more tricks to the system than your mom might be able to handle on her own.
From watching friends go through similar things, I can only recommend you run everything by her social worker. It has happened that paying for something one time has made the payer the "financially responsible party." (In the situation I'm thinking of, it turned out better to gift the money to the person and then have them pay the bill themselves.)
3) Once you know the lay of the land, talk to a financial planner if you can find one who specializes in seniors.
The rest she should be able to handle, even with $500/month.
This isn't necessarily true. She's uninsured and will be until she's 65. Even insured, copayments alone are often hundreds of dollars and only some medications are covered. (Example from Nor. Calif: colonoscopy copayment was $250 at Kaiser 3 years ago.) Vitamin supplements, even when recommended by your MD, aren't covered. Even without medical costs, $500 is hard to live on if you have a car and want to eat decent food- both things that are useful to keep you healthy and mentally alert. Even if you are lucky enough to live someplace with public transportation, when you're old and sick, waiting in the rain for a bus crowded with screaming high schoolers is a lot to ask.
Explaining to your Mom that not applying for welfare is a burden on YOU might will help with that part. I agree that it needs to be a condition of you helping her. For both of your sakes, she needs to be willing to take some steps towards taking care of herself. She isn't helpless, even if she acts it.
I would talk to a financial coach or at least a therapist for yourself too, to help you keep your boundaries strong. I think you're doing the right thing, but it's a big big stressor and you really need to make sure you're giving out of abundance, not substance (financially AND emotionally). Take advantage of all the help you can possibly get.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:40 AM on February 22, 2010
To clarify-she gets SSI, right? Not social security? SSI is payment for a disability, and has nothing to do with how much she's paid (or not) into the system. In my state, folks on SSI qualify for state medical benefits-worth checking.
Lots of excellent suggestions above-the other area I'd look into is whether the vocational rehabilitation folks can work with your mom on employment issues.
This is a totally understandable and admirable plan of yours-and also has the potential to be a hole with no bottom. Find what professionals you can to help you through it. Since they won't be emotionally invested in the situation, they can help you have some clarity and stick to whatever decisions you make.
What boundaries would you have if we were talking about your adult child?
posted by purenitrous at 4:19 PM on February 22, 2010
Lots of excellent suggestions above-the other area I'd look into is whether the vocational rehabilitation folks can work with your mom on employment issues.
This is a totally understandable and admirable plan of yours-and also has the potential to be a hole with no bottom. Find what professionals you can to help you through it. Since they won't be emotionally invested in the situation, they can help you have some clarity and stick to whatever decisions you make.
What boundaries would you have if we were talking about your adult child?
posted by purenitrous at 4:19 PM on February 22, 2010
Lots of good practical suggestions here.
In addition, I would urge you to confide in a therapist and/or a couple of friends who will be on your side and give you moral support and help you maintain healthy emotional boundaries. I would not rely on your partner for all the moral support. You partner will be affected by this situation and may have his/her own emotional issues with it.
Wishing you all the best with this challenge.
posted by valannc at 7:45 PM on February 22, 2010
In addition, I would urge you to confide in a therapist and/or a couple of friends who will be on your side and give you moral support and help you maintain healthy emotional boundaries. I would not rely on your partner for all the moral support. You partner will be affected by this situation and may have his/her own emotional issues with it.
Wishing you all the best with this challenge.
posted by valannc at 7:45 PM on February 22, 2010
If she really can't get a job, you should require that she volunteer somewhere a minimum of 20-30 hours a week. Minimum. It will keep her active and give her an incentive to a get a job, any job. Under no circumstances should she be sitting at home all day living off of you.
posted by whoaali at 9:44 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by whoaali at 9:44 PM on February 22, 2010
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posted by pintapicasso at 7:51 AM on February 22, 2010