Saying to my child: 'you're on your own'

February 16, 2010 1:34 PM

At what point do you tell your child he/she is on his/her own? Nothing I have ever done to help my adult child has put her/him right. . .and I want to be done.

She/he is in early 30s. Jobless, lives a mostly solitary life supported by a close relative. Has been diagnosed with various mental /emotional maladies but has not stayed with any treatment or medication regimen for any significant length of time. Significant substance abuse also - like intensive self medication.

As his/her parent I have stood by, extended myself personally and financially; funded a number of treatment programs, plus college (dropped out), trade school (ditto), etc., all with the aim of putting him/her on the path to self sufficiency. Far from expressing gratitude, she/he has generally taken it all for granted, and has failed to honor various commitments made to me. While there is no question the mental disorders are part of this, there is little doubt in my mind that she/he is also exercising choice in many of these matters. I love her/him dearly, would never shun him/her or wish to be estranged. Yet it seems only right that I release myself (finally) from parental obligation - how do I go about it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Yeah-this is really tough. I just had to tell my 22 year old jobless, aimless, WOW obsessed son that he had to move out a few months ago. It was really difficult (and my 7 year old is still unhappy to lose his playmate) but I knew and he knew that as long as he was living with me, he wouldn't ever be forced to take care of himself. He's living with his father now, but in much less nurturing circumstances and is far less comfortable in his surroundings than he was with me. It seems to have worked so far, he's gotten a job, lost weight, has taken the ASVAB to go into the Navy and while he's not my biggest fan, I'd rather he be upset with me and an independent adult than where he was 6 months ago. Good luck-and memail me if you want to commiserate.
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:39 PM on February 16, 2010 [11 favorites]

Be direct. Tell them that you won't be bailing them out any more. Spell out what actions you are and aren't prepared to take in the future.

Expect tears and recriminations, but don't go back on your word. That will just train them which buttons to press to get you to react.
posted by Solomon at 1:39 PM on February 16, 2010

Just say "no" the next time a request for assistance is made. Explain your decision with him/her as well as possible and then stick to your resolve. Surround yourself with support, even if it's with friends (or family) that don't know the whole story (they don't need to know all the details).

You are to be commended for your decision and need to stay strong in your choice. Mental health professionals recommended "just saying no" (to a sibling) to my parents over two decades ago and I have watched them go through a lot (physically, emotionally, mentally and financially) because they could never bring themselves to stop the assistance.

Best of luck to you.
posted by labwench at 1:44 PM on February 16, 2010

At a certain point (which I think is behind you) helping becomes enabling. Tell your child that you love [him/]her dearly and that you know in your heart that the only way to help at this point is to force her to take care of herself. You will be there to talk to, to give ideas etc. but your wallet is closed, your house is closed and you're doing it to help her and save the relationship.

There will probably be major, major upset from this, but I can tell you in most cases where I've seen this happen eventually the dependent person understand why it had to happen. And as sad as it could be (hopefully temporary) estrangement is better than the current arrangement--you are doing your child a disservice to bail her out because she doesn't have to problem solve for herself. And even though you are her parent, your whole life cannot be about her if you want to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I really admire what you're doing. Stand firm.
posted by Kimberly at 1:49 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

You don't need to release yourself from "parental obligation" because at this point, you don't have one with regards to any of this. Bailing out a family member who has had ample opportunities to remedy the situation without help is not a requirement. If your child is, say, going to starve to death or be on the streets if you don't give them food or a place to sleep, that might be questionable to deny aid, but you don't owe your child financial assistance once they're an adult.

If they ask for help, you just tell them that you're sorry, you can't help with X right now, but that you still love them and support them and are more than happy to talk, offer advice, etc... you just can't do what they're asking for at the moment.

It's perfectly normal even for people who haven't behaved like this in the past to take out their own loans for college, cover their own medical costs, etc. There's no implicit lack of parental feeling to not being able to help out, unless failure to help out is going to seriously imperil them, which does not seem to be the case here.
posted by larkspur at 1:52 PM on February 16, 2010

If your family member is a substance abuser, you may receive some insight attending AlAnon meetings. Learning how others have set appropriate boundaries may help you learn to do the same thing.
posted by greekphilosophy at 1:53 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

You might try attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, even if you think the substance abuse is not the primary concern. Those groups are primarily concerned with helping people learn to separate themselves emotionally (and physically, if necessary) from a loved one's problems.
posted by something something at 1:54 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

And have your support person on standby, so you can call them afterwards and have them reassure you! That's what I'd do, anyway. Good luck, I think you are entirely right. And it's brave of you to do something that is painful for you but necessary for you both.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:54 PM on February 16, 2010

Define what you will/won't do, more for yourself than anybody else. Then start saying No in as loving a way as possible. Lee, I'm not going to pay your rent/tuition at a new school/taxes. Why? Because I think it's your responsibility.

Yes, I'm in a similar situation, and my child is coping okay. Getting into stupid debt, but that seems to be the only way he can learn. You have my sympathy Your child is lucky to have you.
posted by theora55 at 1:55 PM on February 16, 2010

Seconding the Al-Anon / Nar-Anon recommendation. And stop referring to substance abuse as "self-medication". It's no such thing.
posted by megatherium at 2:18 PM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

i see in your question where you have bailed them out in the past - but the present seems be another family member that's supporting them. no matter how much you wash your hands of it, you can't make the other family member stop supporting your child.

all the advice in here is really good - especially the alanon advice - something you might find comfort and support in is the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
posted by nadawi at 2:33 PM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm going to suggest therapy for you. It can be really helpful if you find a good match, so if your first therapist isn't a great fit, try again and don't feel like it's your fault.

Also, remember you can only live these moments one at a time. Try not to beat yourself up for the past (you made the best decisions you could with the information you had available at the time!) and try not to persecerate about the future.

I'm proud of you for the strength it must take to make the decision you're making, and especially for reaching put to get support.
posted by bilabial at 2:52 PM on February 16, 2010

Yes - first define for yourself what you will or won't do. Really think this through. Write it down someplace you can refer back to it for time to time. Commit it to memory.

Is your son/daughter in crisis right now? Because that effects the rest of my answer.

You owe your adult child an adult explanation, without blame, of your new policy regarding their well-being. Try to think of a way to communicate this so that it empowers him/her. Their victimhood/helplessness/mental illness might twist whatever you express into abandonment - but please do your best to frame the situation otherwise. Reframe the new dynamic into something positive as necessary throughout the conversation. Show respect. Start the discussion in-person, if possible.

IF your son/daughter is in crisis right now, you might want to start this discussion in the prescence of a professional who shares your view on respect and empowerment. The professional might be available to direct your son/daughter towards treatment programs, positive solutions, self-reliance resources, relevant programs and agencies, etc.

I will leave you with this:

There were times in my life I resembled your son/daughter. It was a pattern I revisited a few times, despite wanting to be fiercely independent. You see, at my core, I felt fundamentally unsupported. And I was! This is is why I am such a big big proponent of divorcing toxic family members here on the green.

However, back in the day, things would happen. Daddy's money wasn't what I really wanted, but I made it impossible for him to say no once or twice. (He sorta helped this pattern along in my mid-twenties by following his then new-bride's encouragement to fund some expensive schooling I was keen on. About 10 minutes after I accepted the first tuition check, I realized my stepmother fully intended that tuition money as a pay-off to get the fuck out of their lives. In fact, I called it "Fuck You Money" throughout the duration of my academic program. Needless to say, the circumstances of my educational funding soured me on that career path. Wasted money and energy for everyone except the stepmom, who got exactly what she paid for.)

The emotional message the "Fuck You Money" delivered to me was devastating. The 2 other times I came out of the woodwork begging for a bail-out from my Dad, underneath, it felt like some sort of punishment dance for both of us. But I kept creating those desperate situations, in the hopes of proving something. You know, that I was LOVED.

I don't know the details of your situation, but I bet you my dad thinks "he did everything he could." In truth, he was a shit parent who abandoned my brother and I to our mentally ill mother's care while he busied himself working hard, having fun, hiding money for his future, and ignoring the abuse at home during our childhood.

I have no idea what self-defeating stories are on endless loop inside the heart and mind of your adult child. But if there is some sort of apology or acknowledgment you should be making to your son/daughter about your responsibility in all this, even if it is an apology for something long in the past that can never be changed, now is the time to make it.

Your reasons for discontinuing support are sound and good. Following through on the second part of my suggestion will go a long way towards setting your son/daughter on a path of self-empowerment and improving your relationship as you both move out of the current dynamic.
posted by jbenben at 2:55 PM on February 16, 2010 [16 favorites]

"presence of a professional..."

typos. every. time.

sorry, folks!
posted by jbenben at 2:58 PM on February 16, 2010

Because he takes your assistance for granted, it probably hasn't ever occurred to him that he could lose it for real, and if his first inkling of this is after it's already happened to him, that may make things rougher, build extra resentment, etc.
If it's possible and practical (which it might not be), I'd suggest telling him that it's going to happen before it happens, and/or ease out rather than cold turkey. And tell him that he's getting forewarning purely and precisely so he can make the best of the last assistance he'll receive, instead of finding himself unexpectedly out in the cold, unprepared.
Of course, once you're open about cutting him off, you can't let it become a bluff. You have to follow through. Even if that means ugly things like getting assistance for an eventual eviction.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:08 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you want him/her to start doing some practical planning, use regular, predictable, ever-increasing pressure, rather than complete cut-off/shock treatment/cold turkey; the threat of shock treatment will probably cause him/her to first disbelieve what you are saying, and then later, in panic, start making desperate decisions and casting about for rescues by other parties.

Calculate how much (in dollar terms) how much you have been paying, per month.

Specify this to him/her.

Tell him/her that *next* month, you will pay 1/4 or 1/3 less. (Choose one, and specify the amount.) Further explain that the month after that, you will pay an additional 1/4 or 1/3 less. And the month after that, you will pay an additional 1/4 or 1/3 month less. And so on.

Then do exactly as you have promised.

Within a few months, you will be paying nothing and he/she will have had to make some genuine adjustments.
posted by darth_tedious at 4:19 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Many local chapters of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) offer family support groups that you may find helpful in dealing with this specific flavor of the parent/disfunctional adult relationship.
posted by drlith at 6:28 PM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Try to think of a way to communicate this so that it empowers him/her. Their victimhood/helplessness/mental illness might twist whatever you express into abandonment
I particularly like this advice from jbenben.

It sounds like for the most part, you have been providing financial support and emotional support. Is he/she living with you? If so, he/she has to move out. I understand that you want to help him/her, but it has now turned into enabling. You are not responsible for him/her; he/she is a grown adult and now has to figure things out on his/her own, which can actually be a really good thing for him/her. Enabling someone prevents someone from doing that and prevents one from thinking and doing things for him/herself and growing as an individual.

First, figure out what you want. Figure out your own boundaries, which is empowering. E.g. you want to stop enabling, rescuing, bailing him/her out, stop providing money, will not listen to his/her whining, but about positive things in his/her life, or movies, weather, whatever. Sit down and tell him/her that if he/she comes to you asking for money/food/whatever, the answer will be no. Whatever it is that he/she needs, he/she can figure it out. You can put a timeline to this, whether it starts right then and there, tomorrow, a week, or 6 months from now. The New Codependency has a good example of a father who totally enabled his adult daughter, realized this was not helping and draining his resources, and said he would cut her off in 6 months. Each month, he reminded her of the deadline. She made no changes. At 6 months, he kept his word. She did unhealthy things, but those were her choices, and not his fault. It's not like she didn't have warning. (Melody Beattie has other great books too, like Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency. You also might want to watch Intervention on A&E to see real-life examples of enabling, followed by healthy boundaries.)

This is going to be a turning point for you and your child, so congratulations. It's going to feel like crap - change is hard - but you're going to feel so much better after it's done.
posted by foxjacket at 6:37 PM on February 16, 2010

It may help take some of the sting out of the discussion to be frank with him (I'm just gonna say "him" - you fill in the correct pronoun) about your personal finances. Let him know how much these things cost - because he isn't self sufficient, he may not really have a handle on that concept - and point out what it is doing to your lifestyle to have to support him. Let him know that this particular well is running dry, and while your love for him will never change, money can't be part of the relationship anymore.
posted by leafeater at 7:55 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Be direct. The best thing you can do for him/her is to give her tough love. And be strong not to go back on your word. You need to stop being his/her "crutch" and let him/her learn to walk on his/her own.

I have a sibling whom was headed on the same path as your child had he not been cut off in his mid-twenties. He's finishing his undergrad degree now, has a great job, and is in a stable relationship with a lovely woman. He never would have accomplished any of that if he still had a "crutch".
posted by Neekee at 8:42 PM on February 16, 2010

Just wanted to point out that the OP's adult daughter/son is in their 30's, and that OP is not currently supporting this adult.
posted by jbenben at 8:50 PM on February 16, 2010

I have a good friend whose father cut her off last year. We met in college, where she was struggling with major depression and not dealing well with the transition from a sheltered childhood to the chaos of adulthood. She dropped out of school, smoked a lot of pot while living with her mom for a few years, moved across the country, had a series of shitty jobs, and asked her dad for help a few times over the years when emergencies happened -- when she had a blood infection and no health insurance; when she had to move in a hurry to get away from an abusive relationship; when she lost a shitty job and didn't have money to pay rent.

My friend's mom is unemployed, lost her home to foreclosure, and recently declared bankruptcy. Her dad has a six-figure income. She hates having to ask her dad for money, and every time she does it he makes a big deal out of the sacrifice he's making for her and tells her that she should be more grateful. But she's been dealing with demons that have made it hard for her to advance professionally or financially, and she hasn't had any other person in her life that she could turn to.

About four years ago, she re-started the long, slow process towards earning a college degree. While working full time, she attended community college, then transferred to a four year college. Though she is engaged to be married, she moved away from her fiance to get her degree. Her dad helped some with tuition, but she paid for most of it by working and taking out student loans.

This year, the state ran out of funding. My friend learned that she would not be eligible for student loans. Then she was laid off. She didn't need money from her dad, but she needed him to co-sign on a loan so that she could stay in school.

This year, he decided to cut her off. He'd been bailing her out and making her life easy for 10 years, while she dropped out of college, failed to build a career or any savings, came begging to him from one crisis to another, and now was asking him to co-sign on a 17,000 loan -- to risk his credit, and he was skeptical of her ability to every pay the money back. So he said no.

My friend had to drop out of school, less than a year away from graduating. Going back was a major achievement, getting this far was a challenge, and I'm really worried about how long it will take her to regain the ground she is now losing.

Without a paycheck or loans, my friend was almost evicted from her home. She didn't have enough money to rent a U-haul to move back in with her fiance. She didn't even have enough money to buy gas and drive the two hours without any of her belongings. She certaintly didn't have enough to pay her rent. I paid her rent for a few months, and then moving costs so that she could move in with her fiance (also an older student, who is attending a different university). They live in a very tiny one-room apartment. They're doing OK, I guess.

I am incredibly angry at my friend's father for putting his ego above the interests of his daughter. I can't conceive of what love means to him, that he can claim to love her and yet be so unwilling to help. If I were her, I would never talk to him again. I am not sure that she ever will.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:28 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

That's a $17,000 loan.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:31 PM on February 19, 2010