I made the right decision but I feel awful.
February 11, 2010 9:47 AM Subscribe
I've read all the AskMeFi posts tagged with alcoholism, with a careful eye towards the "what should I do, my boyfriend is an alcoholic" ones, but that wasn't my problem. I knew I had to break up with my very-high-functioning drunk of a boyfriend, and I did. I just need advice on dealing with the fall out.
He drinks every day, it would not be unusual for him to drink up to six beers a day plus six-ish glasses of whiskey. There was the requisite punching holes in my door while drunk episode not too long ago, and the truly accidental fat-lip that he gave me (while fighting with me, while drunk) which prompted not an, "I'm sorry" but, "See what you made me do!" I asked him to get help, he agreed he needed it but never really did anything about it. He got a prescription for Naltrexone but never took it. He doesn't want to stop.
Unfortunately drinking wasn't the only problem, the guy has anger issues ("You're a fucking cunt, you bitch," was a sober utterance), depression issues (I'd watch him wash his anti-depressant down with a swig from the Jim Beam bottle), and is completely selfish/ self-centered.
I am a very smart girl, a decently pretty girl, I have confidence and I try to be kind. Prior to breaking up with him I kept feeling like, "How did I get here, me of all people? I was the last person I ever expected to be in a situation like what I just described, the last person whose life would sometimes feel like a bad LifetimeTV movie. I won the DARE essay contest in the sixth grade for pete's sake.
The thing that kills me is that, if there hadn't been lots of wonderful things about him I wouldn't have stayed. When you take away all the explosive anger episodes, he was a pretty gentle guy. When you take away the scary-drunk episodes, he was a pretty happy drunk. We went on fun trips and accomplished great things together professionally. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to acknowledge the complexity of the situation. He wasn't all-bad-all-the-time, not even close. He was truly high-functioning, hadn't been arrested, didn't lose his job (although he was self-employed, and drinking at the office wasn't an offense he'd fire himself for), etc. So even though I can look at what I wrote and say to myself, "These things are never okay, you made the right choice." I feel horrible. Someone I shared two years of my life with is no longer in my life and that was my decision (it wasn't mutual) and I feel awful. I feel especially bad because the end was full of him promising to change, sobbing and crying about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he feels like I never gave him a chance to turn things around. I felt like I had, and like I didn't want to be the chump who gave away unlimited chances.
I miss him terribly -- the sweet, funny, smart, kind version of him that I fell in love with -- and the fact that he's suffering so much right now and that I can't be there for him makes me feel even worse. I'm not co-dependent, I knew when to get out and I did it, despite all of his promises to get better. I told him that I wouldn't even consider the possibility of getting back together with him until he got healthy and sober for himself, without me in the picture. I know that if that ever happens it will take a long time, and I'm not waiting around. I'd like to have him in my life, as a friend, at some point in the future, but I don't know if that will ever be possible.
I am just so sad, my heart feels like it is in a million pieces. Not only am I upset about this relationship ending, but he wasn't exactly nice about it. He was feeling very hurt and so he wanted to make sure I hurt too. He did a great job of it.
I know that the answer probably is, "These things just take time" but even knowing that I still feel so overwhelmed. I guess what I'm asking is ... can you reassure me? I am heartbroken and sad, I know I made the right choice, I just wish it didn't feel so awful. How do I stop feeling like this?
He drinks every day, it would not be unusual for him to drink up to six beers a day plus six-ish glasses of whiskey. There was the requisite punching holes in my door while drunk episode not too long ago, and the truly accidental fat-lip that he gave me (while fighting with me, while drunk) which prompted not an, "I'm sorry" but, "See what you made me do!" I asked him to get help, he agreed he needed it but never really did anything about it. He got a prescription for Naltrexone but never took it. He doesn't want to stop.
Unfortunately drinking wasn't the only problem, the guy has anger issues ("You're a fucking cunt, you bitch," was a sober utterance), depression issues (I'd watch him wash his anti-depressant down with a swig from the Jim Beam bottle), and is completely selfish/ self-centered.
I am a very smart girl, a decently pretty girl, I have confidence and I try to be kind. Prior to breaking up with him I kept feeling like, "How did I get here, me of all people? I was the last person I ever expected to be in a situation like what I just described, the last person whose life would sometimes feel like a bad LifetimeTV movie. I won the DARE essay contest in the sixth grade for pete's sake.
The thing that kills me is that, if there hadn't been lots of wonderful things about him I wouldn't have stayed. When you take away all the explosive anger episodes, he was a pretty gentle guy. When you take away the scary-drunk episodes, he was a pretty happy drunk. We went on fun trips and accomplished great things together professionally. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to acknowledge the complexity of the situation. He wasn't all-bad-all-the-time, not even close. He was truly high-functioning, hadn't been arrested, didn't lose his job (although he was self-employed, and drinking at the office wasn't an offense he'd fire himself for), etc. So even though I can look at what I wrote and say to myself, "These things are never okay, you made the right choice." I feel horrible. Someone I shared two years of my life with is no longer in my life and that was my decision (it wasn't mutual) and I feel awful. I feel especially bad because the end was full of him promising to change, sobbing and crying about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he feels like I never gave him a chance to turn things around. I felt like I had, and like I didn't want to be the chump who gave away unlimited chances.
I miss him terribly -- the sweet, funny, smart, kind version of him that I fell in love with -- and the fact that he's suffering so much right now and that I can't be there for him makes me feel even worse. I'm not co-dependent, I knew when to get out and I did it, despite all of his promises to get better. I told him that I wouldn't even consider the possibility of getting back together with him until he got healthy and sober for himself, without me in the picture. I know that if that ever happens it will take a long time, and I'm not waiting around. I'd like to have him in my life, as a friend, at some point in the future, but I don't know if that will ever be possible.
I am just so sad, my heart feels like it is in a million pieces. Not only am I upset about this relationship ending, but he wasn't exactly nice about it. He was feeling very hurt and so he wanted to make sure I hurt too. He did a great job of it.
I know that the answer probably is, "These things just take time" but even knowing that I still feel so overwhelmed. I guess what I'm asking is ... can you reassure me? I am heartbroken and sad, I know I made the right choice, I just wish it didn't feel so awful. How do I stop feeling like this?
I'm so sorry for everything you went through and are going through now. You made the right decision. I don't know what else to suggest other than to go to therapy so that you can talk about your feelings and the fallout, so that you don't feel like you made a mistake such that you go back or have a relationship like this again. For further reassurance, you might read this post by Hilzoy and her follow-up post. While chiefly about domestic violence, it will provide you with some answers as to why you stayed for so long in what was definitely an unhealthy, abusive relationship (emotionally in additionally to physically, and alcohol abuse), and why you shouldn't feel bad for staying--or leaving when you finally did. It was the right choice to leave, and don't feel guilty for leaving, and don't feel mad at yourself for staying so long. Also, it will probably not be possible to be friends, because being in contact with him and seeing only the good parts of him will only suck you back into the vicious spiral of guilt. It's just not healthy for you. For now, focus on your own health and your own future.
posted by dhn at 9:57 AM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by dhn at 9:57 AM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I feel especially bad because the end was full of him promising to change, sobbing and crying about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he feels like I never gave him a chance to turn things around. I felt like I had, and like I didn't want to be the chump who gave away unlimited chances.
I feel like there are two paths you can go down at this point and both may be okay.
First: He can still change. He hasn't died. There may be some future him that has straightened out his drinking and rage issues. Until such a point, he was a shitty boyfriend and someone who was embarassing to you to see yourself with. Your feelings matter. He has trod upon them. Good riddance for the near and possibly long term future.
Second: You are on drugs. At some level your body produces drugs that encourage pair bonding and that feeling that the person you are with is the only person you can or will ever be with. It's a powerful tonic and takes a while to wear off. Consider yourself in withdrawal. Be kind to yourself. Know that time helps but it helps because you were inebriated in your own way and that needs to ease out of you.
Every time you look at yourself in the mirror and say "I did the right thing" imaging yourself sitting with a drunken asshole who calls you names. Imagine yourself explaining to someone that you stayed with someone who was verbally abusive to you and lashed out at your for his own shortcomings. While he may be mired in his own drama and self-hate, you don't need to sit along with him "supporting" him in his callous disregard of you. We can't fix everyone. Loving relationships shouldn't be like th eone you were in. Grieving for the nice person you lost is normal. I am sorry you are going through this, congrats on getting out.
posted by jessamyn at 10:03 AM on February 11, 2010 [13 favorites]
I feel like there are two paths you can go down at this point and both may be okay.
First: He can still change. He hasn't died. There may be some future him that has straightened out his drinking and rage issues. Until such a point, he was a shitty boyfriend and someone who was embarassing to you to see yourself with. Your feelings matter. He has trod upon them. Good riddance for the near and possibly long term future.
Second: You are on drugs. At some level your body produces drugs that encourage pair bonding and that feeling that the person you are with is the only person you can or will ever be with. It's a powerful tonic and takes a while to wear off. Consider yourself in withdrawal. Be kind to yourself. Know that time helps but it helps because you were inebriated in your own way and that needs to ease out of you.
Every time you look at yourself in the mirror and say "I did the right thing" imaging yourself sitting with a drunken asshole who calls you names. Imagine yourself explaining to someone that you stayed with someone who was verbally abusive to you and lashed out at your for his own shortcomings. While he may be mired in his own drama and self-hate, you don't need to sit along with him "supporting" him in his callous disregard of you. We can't fix everyone. Loving relationships shouldn't be like th eone you were in. Grieving for the nice person you lost is normal. I am sorry you are going through this, congrats on getting out.
posted by jessamyn at 10:03 AM on February 11, 2010 [13 favorites]
Feel reassured that it is a sign of maturity and character that you made the correct choice in not staying with someone based on their potential despite the reality of who they are daily. This mistake is made far too often by otherwise very bright people who generously agree with themselves to accept only the best portions of their partner in an effort to distance themselves from the fear and consequences of their own insecurities.
If one compassionately holds other adults responsible for their own destructive behavior, everyone involved has the best chance of benefiting (and healing) in the long run. This is the correct thing to do despite it being difficult.
No matter how far you have traveled down the wrong path, the correct answer is to turn around.
posted by nickjadlowe at 10:06 AM on February 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
If one compassionately holds other adults responsible for their own destructive behavior, everyone involved has the best chance of benefiting (and healing) in the long run. This is the correct thing to do despite it being difficult.
No matter how far you have traveled down the wrong path, the correct answer is to turn around.
posted by nickjadlowe at 10:06 AM on February 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
Uh, I don't consider a busted lip with no apology a symptom of a "high functioning" alcoholic. That's abuse - accidental now, but without him evincing remorse, it would have escalated the more years you stayed in situation. In addition, he blames you for the break-up ("never gave him a chance to turn things around") and was nasty when it didn't go his way. You did the right and safe thing. He is not about to turn around his life when he can conveniently blame his actions on another.
But doing the right thing is no promise of happy feelings. Very often, the right thing will be the choice that makes you miserable in the short-term. In addition to the usual pain of a break-up, you may also be carrying pain from the self-esteem break-down this kind of relationship very often causes. You may be angry and depressed now, too.
I'm a handful of years away from a nasty break-up with a "high functioning" narcotic addict. He was absolutely amazing, a dream come true... when he wasn't abusive. He was in a new relationship within weeks after our final split; it took me over two years before I could date again (my longest previous dry-spell was three months!) I needed counseling for the anger and depression that I developed; sometimes I still do and use MoodGym for refresher courses in cbt.
posted by _paegan_ at 10:09 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
But doing the right thing is no promise of happy feelings. Very often, the right thing will be the choice that makes you miserable in the short-term. In addition to the usual pain of a break-up, you may also be carrying pain from the self-esteem break-down this kind of relationship very often causes. You may be angry and depressed now, too.
I'm a handful of years away from a nasty break-up with a "high functioning" narcotic addict. He was absolutely amazing, a dream come true... when he wasn't abusive. He was in a new relationship within weeks after our final split; it took me over two years before I could date again (my longest previous dry-spell was three months!) I needed counseling for the anger and depression that I developed; sometimes I still do and use MoodGym for refresher courses in cbt.
posted by _paegan_ at 10:09 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well if I had a quick cure for a broken heart I would be out making a billion dollars a year so I don't know what to say about that. In terms of reassurance I can maybe speak from some personal experience with how drunks are and how a person who is serious about changing acts. A drunk is perfectly capable of expressing (and in some sense believing in) a sincere intention to "change" and not doing a damn thing about it because that's for tomorrow, or someday. Everybody who has the incredible fortune of being loved gets at least one more chance to turn things around: you know perfectly well that if he had responded to your breaking up with him by pouring his Jim Beam down the drain and doing something real about quitting i.e. going to a meeting or starting some kind of treatment you would have stayed. You didn't turn your back on him, he turned his back on you because you were trying to get between him and the bottle. He was not some kind of borderline, is he or isn't he case, he was a hard core 100 percent no question drunk and dangerous to boot (one crazy punch from a strong person can easily give you a brain injury, knock out teeth, blind you in an eye or kill you. This is not hyperbole, every one of those things have happened many, many times). Every minute you stayed after he hit you in the face was a minute more than he deserved. Absolutely do not have any contact with him whatever. I'm sorry that only time will deal with how you feel about your loss.
posted by nanojath at 10:19 AM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by nanojath at 10:19 AM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Your story reminds me of when and how I 'broke up with' my abusive parents as a teenager. It's been more than a decade, and if they've changed, they haven't sent me a memo, or even a postcard.
I strongly believe I made the right choice, and I am absolutely certain that you made the right choice.
You know that you can control your actions, but not his. So now, your job is to find activities you enjoy, especially any that you allowed to drift away while you were focusing on your relationship.
And therapy, to boost your self esteem a little higher, because it sounds like you're ready to give yourself the gift of loving who you are, instead of feeling bad about who you might have been.
posted by bilabial at 11:22 AM on February 11, 2010
I strongly believe I made the right choice, and I am absolutely certain that you made the right choice.
You know that you can control your actions, but not his. So now, your job is to find activities you enjoy, especially any that you allowed to drift away while you were focusing on your relationship.
And therapy, to boost your self esteem a little higher, because it sounds like you're ready to give yourself the gift of loving who you are, instead of feeling bad about who you might have been.
posted by bilabial at 11:22 AM on February 11, 2010
I was in a somewhat similar situation (more simmering anger, a bit less drinking). I hear in your question a lot of what helped me, so maybe I can just highlight those pieces. It sounds like you're smarter than I was, so maybe this is all obvious to you.
What helped me a lot was that he blamed me for his own actions ("see what you made me do!"). When I asked him directly to acknowledge his agency, and the choices he had had in the situation, he didn't even understand what I was asking him to do, much less was he willing to do it. This total lack of awareness made me finally realize that things were just never going to change. He would say in general that he could change or that he was sorry, but he couldn't take responsibility for any specifics from the past. (Similarly, he blamed me for the break-up -- wonder if that's the pain he's trying to cause you.)
For myself, in those early weeks, I adopted an internal ultimatum, that he would have to say XYZ was his personal fault and responsibility. I think the condition you have set is even better: "I wouldn't even consider the possibility of getting back together with him until he got healthy and sober for himself...if that ever happens it will take a long time."
Knowing that he would not be able to do something I absolutely needed, and that if he did do that then I would reconsider, made the breakup feel less like a situation I was creating and more like an unfortunate necessity. So I didn't need to feel guilty or second-guess myself. That made it easier for me to view my pain just as pain, and give myself the sympathy and caring I needed.
Then, finally, when we met up even nine months later, it was clear that he had continued drinking heavily and/or using harder drugs, and that it was actually affecting his perception of reality -- he looked like shit, to be perfectly honest, and he asked me questions suggesting that he was confused about reality. (I did almost send a letter to his family to make sure someone was looking out for him, but I was pretty sure that they knew already.) It made me realize that whereas my life had gotten better, his had gotten worse. We all have our own trajectories, not that they're written in stone but they do tend to continue under their own momentum, and his natural inclination created a trajectory that I was glad to no longer be tethered to.
Given how hard this relationship was, despite its pleasures, makes me wonder if there won't be glimmers of joy and exultation creeping in. You are free from the violence and all of its spillover effects. Any door that closes allows others to open. (You can date someone who actually likes cats! or whatever, you can move to the City instead of staying close to him in the suburbs.) I'd look forward to them, because gradually they will become the new reality.
posted by salvia at 11:23 AM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
What helped me a lot was that he blamed me for his own actions ("see what you made me do!"). When I asked him directly to acknowledge his agency, and the choices he had had in the situation, he didn't even understand what I was asking him to do, much less was he willing to do it. This total lack of awareness made me finally realize that things were just never going to change. He would say in general that he could change or that he was sorry, but he couldn't take responsibility for any specifics from the past. (Similarly, he blamed me for the break-up -- wonder if that's the pain he's trying to cause you.)
For myself, in those early weeks, I adopted an internal ultimatum, that he would have to say XYZ was his personal fault and responsibility. I think the condition you have set is even better: "I wouldn't even consider the possibility of getting back together with him until he got healthy and sober for himself...if that ever happens it will take a long time."
Knowing that he would not be able to do something I absolutely needed, and that if he did do that then I would reconsider, made the breakup feel less like a situation I was creating and more like an unfortunate necessity. So I didn't need to feel guilty or second-guess myself. That made it easier for me to view my pain just as pain, and give myself the sympathy and caring I needed.
Then, finally, when we met up even nine months later, it was clear that he had continued drinking heavily and/or using harder drugs, and that it was actually affecting his perception of reality -- he looked like shit, to be perfectly honest, and he asked me questions suggesting that he was confused about reality. (I did almost send a letter to his family to make sure someone was looking out for him, but I was pretty sure that they knew already.) It made me realize that whereas my life had gotten better, his had gotten worse. We all have our own trajectories, not that they're written in stone but they do tend to continue under their own momentum, and his natural inclination created a trajectory that I was glad to no longer be tethered to.
Given how hard this relationship was, despite its pleasures, makes me wonder if there won't be glimmers of joy and exultation creeping in. You are free from the violence and all of its spillover effects. Any door that closes allows others to open. (You can date someone who actually likes cats! or whatever, you can move to the City instead of staying close to him in the suburbs.) I'd look forward to them, because gradually they will become the new reality.
posted by salvia at 11:23 AM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
When you take away all the explosive anger episodes, he was a pretty gentle guy. When you take away the scary-drunk episodes, he was a pretty happy drunk.
That's a lot to take away.
We went on fun trips and accomplished great things together professionally. ...He wasn't all-bad-all-the-time, not even close. He was truly high-functioning, hadn't been arrested, didn't lose his job (although he was self-employed, and drinking at the office wasn't an offense he'd fire himself for), etc.
He was high functioning because he hadn't been arrested and was able to work from home? I think you're giving him more credit than others might. Drinking 12 drinks a day, punching holes in walls, and verbally as well as (even if incidentally) physically abusing you, are signs of dysfunction.
...Not only am I upset about this relationship ending, but he wasn't exactly nice about it. He was feeling very hurt and so he wanted to make sure I hurt too. He did a great job of it.
You are really extending yourself to empathize with him. Stop thinking in terms of what must have caused him to hurt you back. Just remember he hurt you back. He was a jerk to you. When he was a jerk to you first, you generally didn't lash out at him, right? So why forgive him for doing that? You're giving him more leeway than you would give yourself in his position.
posted by mdn at 11:26 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
That's a lot to take away.
We went on fun trips and accomplished great things together professionally. ...He wasn't all-bad-all-the-time, not even close. He was truly high-functioning, hadn't been arrested, didn't lose his job (although he was self-employed, and drinking at the office wasn't an offense he'd fire himself for), etc.
He was high functioning because he hadn't been arrested and was able to work from home? I think you're giving him more credit than others might. Drinking 12 drinks a day, punching holes in walls, and verbally as well as (even if incidentally) physically abusing you, are signs of dysfunction.
...Not only am I upset about this relationship ending, but he wasn't exactly nice about it. He was feeling very hurt and so he wanted to make sure I hurt too. He did a great job of it.
You are really extending yourself to empathize with him. Stop thinking in terms of what must have caused him to hurt you back. Just remember he hurt you back. He was a jerk to you. When he was a jerk to you first, you generally didn't lash out at him, right? So why forgive him for doing that? You're giving him more leeway than you would give yourself in his position.
posted by mdn at 11:26 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am sorry your heart is broken and understand you don't need a pat on the back from a stranger, but you made a hard, courageous and necessary choice in breaking up with him and i admire you for it.
The compassion and empathy you are showing for him in your post are probably some of the things that made him love you in the first place. It is sad for him he couldn't find it in himself to stop crapping all over those things and make an effort to change. Of course he begged and pleaded and promised to change - shitty boyfriend 101, no matter what the offense. There is nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation and putting the ball in his court to prove he will change.
Having fond memories of the good parts of him is normal but don't diminish the bad things. I have never in my life had a relationship where holes were punched in anything or i was injured, even accidently, in a fight. Neither have the majority of people i know. Even someone close to me who was married to an alcoholic/drug abuser didn't deal with those things. It is not the norm and it is not acceptable, no matter how gentle he is part of the time.
posted by domino at 11:32 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
The compassion and empathy you are showing for him in your post are probably some of the things that made him love you in the first place. It is sad for him he couldn't find it in himself to stop crapping all over those things and make an effort to change. Of course he begged and pleaded and promised to change - shitty boyfriend 101, no matter what the offense. There is nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation and putting the ball in his court to prove he will change.
Having fond memories of the good parts of him is normal but don't diminish the bad things. I have never in my life had a relationship where holes were punched in anything or i was injured, even accidently, in a fight. Neither have the majority of people i know. Even someone close to me who was married to an alcoholic/drug abuser didn't deal with those things. It is not the norm and it is not acceptable, no matter how gentle he is part of the time.
posted by domino at 11:32 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was in your shoes decades ago, and I truly understand the complexities. Your head says one thing and your heart says another. You know breaking up is the right thing to do, but your heart just hurts so much, you want it to stop.
What I can offer is that I found comfort in the following things.
1. You are much better off alone than with him and all the drama that comes with him. Did you enjoy getting a fat lip? Did you enjoy all the hurtful things he said? Of course you didn't. And without him in your life, you won't have those hurtful things to worry about anymore. Ever. You can lay in bed at night peacefully instead of constantly worrying about his alcoholism and how it affects your life.
2. You deserve better dammit. My guy's alcoholism did some damage to my self esteem that I hadn't realized was happening and I needed to get it back. After the break up, I kept telling myself that I deserved better than to be with a guy who I had to treat like a baby when he was drunk and walk on eggshells around when he was moody because of a hangover. I needed a partner, not a dependent. I deserved someone much better.
3. In the matter of self preservation, you had no choice really. I finally understood that I couldn't stop him from drinking. For so long I believed I could change him and let the good side of him win. I didn't want to give up, but it was killing me in the process. I felt like a failure, that I couldn't save him. When I finally came to grips about not being able to change him is when I left. I couldn't live like that and I couldn't change him. He had to change himself and want it for himself. He didn't so it had to end.
It was a clean break and I haven't seen him since. I did hear through some old fiends that he'd been married and divorced a few times and had a few kids as well. I look at where I am now and am so glad I made that decision. It hurt like hell at the time, but it was the best thing for me to do. I hope some of this helps you. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by NoraCharles at 11:38 AM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
What I can offer is that I found comfort in the following things.
1. You are much better off alone than with him and all the drama that comes with him. Did you enjoy getting a fat lip? Did you enjoy all the hurtful things he said? Of course you didn't. And without him in your life, you won't have those hurtful things to worry about anymore. Ever. You can lay in bed at night peacefully instead of constantly worrying about his alcoholism and how it affects your life.
2. You deserve better dammit. My guy's alcoholism did some damage to my self esteem that I hadn't realized was happening and I needed to get it back. After the break up, I kept telling myself that I deserved better than to be with a guy who I had to treat like a baby when he was drunk and walk on eggshells around when he was moody because of a hangover. I needed a partner, not a dependent. I deserved someone much better.
3. In the matter of self preservation, you had no choice really. I finally understood that I couldn't stop him from drinking. For so long I believed I could change him and let the good side of him win. I didn't want to give up, but it was killing me in the process. I felt like a failure, that I couldn't save him. When I finally came to grips about not being able to change him is when I left. I couldn't live like that and I couldn't change him. He had to change himself and want it for himself. He didn't so it had to end.
It was a clean break and I haven't seen him since. I did hear through some old fiends that he'd been married and divorced a few times and had a few kids as well. I look at where I am now and am so glad I made that decision. It hurt like hell at the time, but it was the best thing for me to do. I hope some of this helps you. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by NoraCharles at 11:38 AM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's devastatlingly sad to watch someone descend into alcholism but he 's the ony person who can decide to change. Alanon might help. Not because you are co dependent but because you need help grieving.
posted by bananafish at 11:42 AM on February 11, 2010
posted by bananafish at 11:42 AM on February 11, 2010
Seems to me that he wrote himself a license to hurt you, used it every chance he got, and then turned around and cried "oww, you hurt me!" when you finally took it and tore it up in front of him.
Well guess what? I'm writing you a license to "hurt" this guy by breaking up with him. Here it is:
blue_bicycle is entitled to one (1) break-up with Mr. Drunk, regardless of any feelings of "hurt" Mr. Drunk may have, which are null and void as of right now.
Offer expires never. Cash value: 1,000 self-esteem dollars.
Cash it in. I hope you feel better soon.
posted by vorfeed at 11:45 AM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Well guess what? I'm writing you a license to "hurt" this guy by breaking up with him. Here it is:
blue_bicycle is entitled to one (1) break-up with Mr. Drunk, regardless of any feelings of "hurt" Mr. Drunk may have, which are null and void as of right now.
Offer expires never. Cash value: 1,000 self-esteem dollars.
Cash it in. I hope you feel better soon.
posted by vorfeed at 11:45 AM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
I am just going to repeat a couple of things people have already said so well: 1) I am so sorry you went through this 2) You are right, you made the only possible decision 3) your ex is responsible for his own life: only he can decide to get help and change. The negative things he said about you are a distraction from that task, and you should give them no weight.
Let me add something else: This wasn't a good relationship for you because it was not a happy and supportive one for you. Ongoing unhappiness is a huge red flag that the relationship is wrong. I believe the day will come when you will meet someone who makes you feel good and loved. It may be this man if he gets sober: more likely, it will be someone different. But the right relationship still lies ahead.
I hope you can start to turn soon to doing the things you love and care about, and living your own strong life.
posted by bearwife at 11:58 AM on February 11, 2010
Let me add something else: This wasn't a good relationship for you because it was not a happy and supportive one for you. Ongoing unhappiness is a huge red flag that the relationship is wrong. I believe the day will come when you will meet someone who makes you feel good and loved. It may be this man if he gets sober: more likely, it will be someone different. But the right relationship still lies ahead.
I hope you can start to turn soon to doing the things you love and care about, and living your own strong life.
posted by bearwife at 11:58 AM on February 11, 2010
What I have found useful over the last few years is pretty cheesy and feels silly, but perhaps it will help you: talk to yourself. Give yourself the reassurance and permission and affection that you're missing. It's not 100% effective but it's a lot more effective than you think. There I was yesterday walking down the street saying to myself, "prefpara, you remembered to buy salt. Good job. You're an excellent adult, prefpara. You're doing OK." I literally mouth this as I walk. Over time, I have found that doing this is quite comforting and is making me feel calmer and more secure. I think you should get into the habit of saying (literally, not just thinking, but also thinking) "hey blue_bicycle, you did the right thing. Thanks for protecting me. You're a good adult. You're doing a good job. What you did was hard, but you did it anyway. I trust and respect you. Good job, blue_bicycle. I like you a lot. You're a really good person. Remember to buy salt."
It's hard to give yourself reassurance and praise, and this is one way to get better at it. I recommend it in all seriousness.
posted by prefpara at 12:11 PM on February 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
It's hard to give yourself reassurance and praise, and this is one way to get better at it. I recommend it in all seriousness.
posted by prefpara at 12:11 PM on February 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
You might find a little insight in this old AskMe answer.
posted by trunk muffins at 12:32 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by trunk muffins at 12:32 PM on February 11, 2010
blue_bicycle: “He was feeling very hurt and so he wanted to make sure I hurt too. He did a great job of it.”
I only wanted to chime in to say that your answer demonstrates in spades that you're probably a good deal wiser than most of us here. I know I wouldn't have had the intelligence and foresight to get out when you did - nor the strength. Good for you. And this observation just shows again that you have a clearer, wiser view of this situation than almost anybody else would in your place. But I know that's not a great comfort.
“I know that the answer probably is, "These things just take time" but even knowing that I still feel so overwhelmed. I guess what I'm asking is ... can you reassure me? I am heartbroken and sad, I know I made the right choice, I just wish it didn't feel so awful. How do I stop feeling like this?”
You're smart enough to know that the biggest step to not feeling that way any more is: wait. Of course, there are a lot of things you can do to distract yourself and divert yourself along the way - healthy things, good things. Reading, watching movies and TV programs, immersing yourself in music (both listening to it and playing it) - these are all fine distractions. I think you probably already know that for a long time they really will be only distractions, and that the pain will still be there.
The only other thing I can think of is: friends. Being around people as much as possible can really help. Friends who can know what you're going through and offer support are essential.
posted by koeselitz at 1:39 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I only wanted to chime in to say that your answer demonstrates in spades that you're probably a good deal wiser than most of us here. I know I wouldn't have had the intelligence and foresight to get out when you did - nor the strength. Good for you. And this observation just shows again that you have a clearer, wiser view of this situation than almost anybody else would in your place. But I know that's not a great comfort.
“I know that the answer probably is, "These things just take time" but even knowing that I still feel so overwhelmed. I guess what I'm asking is ... can you reassure me? I am heartbroken and sad, I know I made the right choice, I just wish it didn't feel so awful. How do I stop feeling like this?”
You're smart enough to know that the biggest step to not feeling that way any more is: wait. Of course, there are a lot of things you can do to distract yourself and divert yourself along the way - healthy things, good things. Reading, watching movies and TV programs, immersing yourself in music (both listening to it and playing it) - these are all fine distractions. I think you probably already know that for a long time they really will be only distractions, and that the pain will still be there.
The only other thing I can think of is: friends. Being around people as much as possible can really help. Friends who can know what you're going through and offer support are essential.
posted by koeselitz at 1:39 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and: it will get better. Honestly. Keep an eye on yourself, and don't jump the gun, but know that that pain will disappear, and you will find yourself in a better place. I promise.
posted by koeselitz at 1:40 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by koeselitz at 1:40 PM on February 11, 2010
Let me add my reassurances to the rest. Yes, you did the right thing. No, do not get back together with him. His life is his own and you are not responsible for him.
When I ran away from my psychotic (literally) boyfriend I was torn with guilt when friends gave me progress reports about his descent into even more madness and acoholism. I grieved the death of the man I first knew and loved (take away the psychosis and drinking and he was a nice guy). I kept track of him because I worried about him and didn't want anything to happen to him -- even after I'd run several states away in fear of my life.
He begged me to come back to him, promising me he would change -- go to a doctor -- stop drinking. I wanted to so much. I understand that feeling.
But really -- don't. It's not healthy. You chose to leave an unhealthy relationship because it's unhealthy. The need for him will disappear as if it where never there. I guess it was easier for me because I cut off all communication with my crazy ex, but the saying "time heals all wounds" is a saying for a reason. Be strong -- you made the right choice.
posted by patheral at 2:52 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I ran away from my psychotic (literally) boyfriend I was torn with guilt when friends gave me progress reports about his descent into even more madness and acoholism. I grieved the death of the man I first knew and loved (take away the psychosis and drinking and he was a nice guy). I kept track of him because I worried about him and didn't want anything to happen to him -- even after I'd run several states away in fear of my life.
He begged me to come back to him, promising me he would change -- go to a doctor -- stop drinking. I wanted to so much. I understand that feeling.
But really -- don't. It's not healthy. You chose to leave an unhealthy relationship because it's unhealthy. The need for him will disappear as if it where never there. I guess it was easier for me because I cut off all communication with my crazy ex, but the saying "time heals all wounds" is a saying for a reason. Be strong -- you made the right choice.
posted by patheral at 2:52 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
When you take away all the explosive anger episodes, he was a pretty gentle guy.
But he wasn't a gentle guy. Abusive people are never abusive 100% of the time. There are always the good moments in between episodes but those good moments don't negate the fact that they are still abusive. And trust me, I understand where you're coming from. It's been nine years since the first and only abusive relationship I've had. Leaving him was the hardest but best decision I've ever made. I know how much it hurts and it's gonna hurt for a while but each day will be better than the last. Learn from this experience and become a stronger person for it.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:53 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
But he wasn't a gentle guy. Abusive people are never abusive 100% of the time. There are always the good moments in between episodes but those good moments don't negate the fact that they are still abusive. And trust me, I understand where you're coming from. It's been nine years since the first and only abusive relationship I've had. Leaving him was the hardest but best decision I've ever made. I know how much it hurts and it's gonna hurt for a while but each day will be better than the last. Learn from this experience and become a stronger person for it.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:53 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
can you reassure me? I am heartbroken and sad, I know I made the right choice, I just wish it didn't feel so awful. How do I stop feeling like this?
Reassurance you need? Reassurance you shall get:
You did the right thing by leaving your abuser...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY LEAVING YOUR ABUSER!!! I know you are heartbroken and sad right now and I am sorry you are feeling so low. I don't know how to make it go away faster, but it will go away.
I was in a short-lived (just over a year) abusive marriage to a verbally and emotionally abusive jerk. But I stayed too long ...so long that by the time the judge dropped the gavel and pronounced me legally divorced, I couldn't wipe the big shit-eating grin off my face. Seriously, a happier person has never set foot in that courtroom before or since!
The thing is, I stayed long enough for him to abuse me to a point where all I felt for him by the time it ended was loathing and disgust and pure hatred. You too would have gotten to that point too had you not had the self-honoring strength to leave before you got to that point. I admire you deeply.
posted by murrey at 4:12 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Reassurance you need? Reassurance you shall get:
You did the right thing by leaving your abuser...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY LEAVING YOUR ABUSER!!! I know you are heartbroken and sad right now and I am sorry you are feeling so low. I don't know how to make it go away faster, but it will go away.
I was in a short-lived (just over a year) abusive marriage to a verbally and emotionally abusive jerk. But I stayed too long ...so long that by the time the judge dropped the gavel and pronounced me legally divorced, I couldn't wipe the big shit-eating grin off my face. Seriously, a happier person has never set foot in that courtroom before or since!
The thing is, I stayed long enough for him to abuse me to a point where all I felt for him by the time it ended was loathing and disgust and pure hatred. You too would have gotten to that point too had you not had the self-honoring strength to leave before you got to that point. I admire you deeply.
posted by murrey at 4:12 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh my GOODNESS did you do the right thing. I know it's hard for you, and it's hard for you because it's HARD, full stop. But consider this: you didn't actually break up with him. I know it seems like you did, but really, what you did is realized what you needed in a boyfriend, and then recognized that he had already excluded himself from the set of possible boyfriends by his actions. Then you told him that.
He knows how to stop drinking -- just don't buy booze, and just don't open the bottle, and just don't put the booze in your mouth, and just don't swallow it. If there are other factors going on that make that decision tree rough, well, I imagine he's heard of AA, or counseling, or rehab. He knows that these options exist; he is choosing not to pursue them. And by those choices, he has chosen to be the kind of person you will not accept as a partner.
You didn't just do the right thing; you did the ONLY thing. Be strong, and be proud of your strength, because you? are awesome. You are awesome enough to treat yourself well even when it hurts. Good job.
posted by KathrynT at 6:03 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
He knows how to stop drinking -- just don't buy booze, and just don't open the bottle, and just don't put the booze in your mouth, and just don't swallow it. If there are other factors going on that make that decision tree rough, well, I imagine he's heard of AA, or counseling, or rehab. He knows that these options exist; he is choosing not to pursue them. And by those choices, he has chosen to be the kind of person you will not accept as a partner.
You didn't just do the right thing; you did the ONLY thing. Be strong, and be proud of your strength, because you? are awesome. You are awesome enough to treat yourself well even when it hurts. Good job.
posted by KathrynT at 6:03 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
The thing about these intermittently bad relationships with all the good parts too, is that the bad parts (a) continue to be bad OR GET WORSE, and (b) don't go away.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
My ex "wasn't all-bad-all-the-time, not even close." In fact, I still occasionally have dreams where we're still together, or get back together, more than seven years down the road from the divorce. That doesn't mean that the divorce was the mistake; on the contrary, I'm still standing by my eventual conclusion that she and I never should have gotten married in the first place, the good times notwithstanding (and there were plenty of good times, and some of the times were very good, indeed).
Nthing the suggestion for Alanon.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:35 AM on February 12, 2010
Nthing the suggestion for Alanon.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:35 AM on February 12, 2010
I have been in the same situation. I know how it is to love somebody who is brilliant and awesome until they drink, and then they are so, so, stupid and so, so, foul.
You did what you need to do to protect yourself. I don't know if this particular mental trick will help, but you might imagine yourself as a kid that you have to take care of, protect.
And bravo to you. Really. Nthing Alanon. Feel free to memail me.
posted by angrycat at 9:48 PM on February 12, 2010
You did what you need to do to protect yourself. I don't know if this particular mental trick will help, but you might imagine yourself as a kid that you have to take care of, protect.
And bravo to you. Really. Nthing Alanon. Feel free to memail me.
posted by angrycat at 9:48 PM on February 12, 2010
I was in a sort-of relationship with someone wonderful, who I adored effortlessly and unconditionally for over 2 years. And he was a total loser, and alcoholic.
It sucks that people come in such confusing combinations.
You did the right thing, and you know it. That is golden, and that will have to pull you through. Embrace your pain - you knew this was a possible consequence. Embrace it, confront it, wallow in it, and you will get through it.
Does ending a relationship like this hurt more than ending a normal (we just didn't understand each other/no hard feelings/we're moving to different cities, etc) relationship? I suspect so. I feel like there is a different kind of investment - you know you are playing with fire, but you take your chances.
Mourn. Congratulate yourself on taking great risks, process and cry and move forward. You will be fine again, and you will be even better than before. While of course, 0 contact is always recommended, it may be necessary to experience a few run-ins or conversations with him as you process everything, to continue to reinforce your feeling of "I did the right thing!"
posted by Locochona at 11:36 PM on February 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sucks that people come in such confusing combinations.
You did the right thing, and you know it. That is golden, and that will have to pull you through. Embrace your pain - you knew this was a possible consequence. Embrace it, confront it, wallow in it, and you will get through it.
Does ending a relationship like this hurt more than ending a normal (we just didn't understand each other/no hard feelings/we're moving to different cities, etc) relationship? I suspect so. I feel like there is a different kind of investment - you know you are playing with fire, but you take your chances.
Mourn. Congratulate yourself on taking great risks, process and cry and move forward. You will be fine again, and you will be even better than before. While of course, 0 contact is always recommended, it may be necessary to experience a few run-ins or conversations with him as you process everything, to continue to reinforce your feeling of "I did the right thing!"
posted by Locochona at 11:36 PM on February 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
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You did the right thing. You know you did the right thing where you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that you should and did DTMFA.
Love hurts, it will hurt less in time. Hang in there, and good for you for not giving in to his promises!
posted by royalsong at 9:53 AM on February 11, 2010