I scrubbed all the bad stuff away

February 10, 2010 8:14 AM

I'm too ashamed of myself and afraid to accept the olive branch, but it seems wrong not to.

An ex-friend recently wrote me a friendly email that expressed her hope that we could be friends again after 10 years of not being friends. We were very close my freshman year of college (I was friends with her mainly because she was fun and because I was extremely lonely and she made me her best friend), but she was far more free-spirited than me. Sophomore year, I felt her drifting away from me and in an effort to sort of hurt her, I fooled around with her then-boyfriend. He told her, I desperately wanted to talk to her about it, but could never find the right words to express how I felt, so I just kept talking and talking and trying to reconnect out of desperation. I was also very obviously guilty of being clingy, I think, because I definitely felt clingy. I also had some pretty huge problems at the time. I was depressed, unhappy, lost, and confused. I made a total jackass of myself and her family (who I'd stayed with over the summer before my soph. yr) found out all about my problems. I realized she was avoiding me after the whole fooling around thing, and I was really embarrassed. I left to study abroad the spring of my sophomore year and she studied abroad her junior year. I decided to graduate early while she was studying abroad. So we never talked again, and I've been very happy since. In retrospect, I was very naive, and she and everybody else were just really far ahead of me socially (sex, drugs, drinking, etc). I always felt really lost and childish around them, and also really uptight. I think I also really looked up to her and wanted to emulate her, and when we stopped being friends, it really felt like a breakup. I was very attached to her and I felt like she was extremely charismatic and had a kind pull over me that I was always trying to fight, but couldn't.

I'm pretty much afraid I'm going to fall back into those lost feelings if I accept her invitation to be friendly again. She's normal and productive, but something about her makes me feel like I'm getting suckered into chaos and feeling like an uptight person to her free-spirited fun self, which made me feel like there was something really wrong with me.

And I still feel horribly, horribly embarrassed and ashamed of what happened. I really demanded a lot and it was childish and immature. I apologized to her over and over at the time, but I feel like I'm still so sorry I did that to her and really ashamed. But a part of me still wants to be friends and let bygones be bygones. I just don't know how to assert boundaries and am afraid I'm going to relive all those embarrassing things I did. Should I should accept the invitation to be friendly (I miss her and I sort of want to reconnect) and, if I do, how do I assert boundaries and forget the past?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Email her the above. She obviously wants to reconnect, and maybe she's carrying some guilt or regret too, at least about not being able to handle your transgressions in a way that might have salvaged the friendship.
posted by orthogonality at 8:18 AM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

By realizing that her life is not your life, her desires are not your desires, her family/boyfriend/friends are not what you necessarily want out of your family/boyfriend/friends.

You idolized her, perhaps naively and stupidly, but that's part of what happens in our late teenage years as we try to navigate the creation of our own personal - and independent - identity. It's not just you, this has happened to many people, many, many times.

She's reaching out. Given that she was under no obligation to do so, I think you should take this as proof of the valuable things you can bring to a friendly relationship with her. She values you enough to want to talk to you again.

You miss her. Talk to her. Start fresh; this is not you from college, this is you as adults. You are different people, there will be plenty to talk about without rehashing the past (which I doubt she'd want to do anyway), namely everything that happened since you guys were close. And if, after you guys have reconnected, you feel like you still can't let go of your mistakes, maybe ask for forgiveness in a very matter of fact way: "I was young, I fucked up. I want this to not come between us anymore." It might lift a weight off your shoulders.
posted by lydhre at 8:25 AM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with orthogonality - just be honest with her and tell her what you told us. I don't know anyone who hasn't done something they regret during those years of early adulthood; it's a confusing, chaotic time. Stop being so hard on yourself - it sounds like your friend has already let it go.
posted by something something at 8:27 AM on February 10, 2010

The fact that your former friend is trying to reconnect with you after what you did and after a lapse of so many years suggests that she valued you. It's be a long time and you've changed and so, almost certainly, has she. Tell her what you told us and give it a shot. It may not work out, but it sounds like at least talking to her would help you make peace with your mutual past.
posted by orange swan at 8:30 AM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]

I too, fell out with my best friend in college. After many years of not talking (although we had mutual friends in common) we're now good friends again, although not as close as we were: Time heals many wounds. You might be surprised how easy it is to just be friends again, without needing to go over events from your previous lives.
posted by pharm at 8:30 AM on February 10, 2010

10 years is a long ass time. I can't imagine being angry about stuff after that long.

One of my wife's current best friends fooled around with my wife's then-boyfriend back in college. The two women were friends before, not friends for years afterwards, and reconnected about 3 years ago, and my wife is the maid of honor at her friend's upcoming wedding.

The weirdest thing for me is that my wife seriously holds a grudge. No joke. And yet she just doesn't care about the crap that happened a long time ago.

I think your biggest problem is forgiving yourself. Depression, etc., are all just parts of the picture, and, to some extent, are just excuses. You did what you did, and that's that, and it was 10 freaking years ago. You're different, she's different, you have to let it go. I bet that she has.
posted by kryptonik at 8:30 AM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

3rd-ing you talking to her, and basically telling her what you told us. She sounds like a good friend, and it sounds like she has put the bad stuff behind her. Don't be so hard on yourself -- depriving yourself of the kindness of good friends will not atone for past mistakes, it will just make your life harder.
posted by TheyCallItPeace at 8:34 AM on February 10, 2010

10 years ago? All that drama probably seems like it was a lifetime ago to her. She will probably not be much interested in discussing the whole affair. Time for you to put that stuff into the distant past...if you can't actually *laugh* about it, at least try to develop the ability to shake your head and say, "wow, life sure is better now. Don't we do some dumb things in our youth?".

As far as asserting your boundaries, instead of just accepting a vague offer to "hang out", why not come up with a specific activity / event you enjoy, and ask her to accompany you?
posted by the bricabrac man at 8:37 AM on February 10, 2010

Definitely accept the olive branch because you'll always wonder if you don't. I wouldn't go into any major apology at first..you can always talk in more detail later if the friendship progresses. I think a heartfelt "I'm so glad you got in touch and I'd love to go get coffee and catch up" would be a great first step in possibly restarting this friendship. A lot of water has gone under the bridge for both of you, so just take it slow and see how she wants to approach it. Of course, if there is a point in the conversation where you feel comfortable mentioning the past and how sorry you are for how you acted, than go head, but realize that she may not want to dig down that deep. Sometimes it's better to glide over really hurtful things with a brief acknowledgment and then move on. Good Luck.

There is someone from my past that I would love to be back in contact with. I was in your friends position and cut her off after a similar incident but wish I could go back and have a do-over. I think about her often and hope she's doing well.
posted by victoriab at 9:48 AM on February 10, 2010

Despite the fact that college students are convinced that they're grown-ups, I look back at many things I did, even age 26 or so, and say "man, I was such a stupid kid!". You're saying that yourself, and although you've grown up since then, it sounds like you're worried that going back to this friendship will undo your progress. The best way to keep that from happening is to be very aware of it, so you're well on your way. If necessary, remind yourself that you're in control of how you behave, and that you've already given yourself examples of bad situations you'd like to avoid.

As a secondary point, your friend is human. She almost certainly looks back on that and says, "Man, we were such stupid kids", and likely also has regrets about the way she handled things. If you've changed since then, so has she. Don't tie yourself to the idea that you're continuing or renewing a friendship; this next stage of your adult friendship is likely to be very different. Make it be what you want it to be, but don't restrict her to being the person she was 10 years ago either.
posted by aimedwander at 10:16 AM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Accept the olive branch because it will only eat away at you if you don't. This doesn't mean the two of you need to become fast friends again. Now that you have so few points of common daily experience, you won't share the rapport you had back in school. Your fear seems to be centered around the worry that you're going to fall back into the role of being someone's "sidekick" and you seem self aware enough to not let that happen. Ten years is a long time, you two are probably very different people now.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:49 AM on February 10, 2010

There are lots of people who have reached out to me, eager to connect, only to discover that we no longer have anything in common. You may find this to be true as well, but I think the closure would help you no matter what.

(For those that say "oh people don't hold onto things for 10 years" - i wish there was more of you out there.)
posted by micawber at 1:06 PM on February 10, 2010

This was ten years ago. You're right to be ashamed of what happened, but don't let it continue to work against you now. Your friend has clearly forgiven you. You were young, you recognize your mistakes, it's time to forgive yourself.
posted by leafeater at 4:00 PM on February 10, 2010

Here's a particularly difficult thought to ponder: Is reconnecting with her healthy for you?

She sounds like a wonderful person, but sometimes that isn't enough to make a friendship work. If reestablishing the friendship causes you to slide back into unhealthy patterns, then it's not worth it regardless of how wonderful a friend she is... and none of that is her fault at all. It's just how it is.

There are people I choose not to reconnect with because I walked away from my childhood and everything connected to it a long, long time ago. There are some great people I choose not to reconnect with simply because closing the door on my childhood was the best thing I ever did, and I don't want to reopen it - even if only a little. Then again, you're not me, and your situation is clearly very different than mine, so it's possible that none of what I said applies to you.

Best of luck figuring it out.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:06 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

Take the branch. You sound like you love and care about her, so not responding to her would probably just haunt you anyway. But this is the part that concerns me: "And I still feel horribly, horribly embarrassed and ashamed of what happened." She reached out to YOU. Clearly she doesn't want you to feel horribly ashamed and she's not expecting you to start re-apologizing. Start out friendly and keep your feelings in check. If being in touch in a fairly shallow way stirs strong emotions every time, limit your contact. I suspect, though, that a series of warm exchanges (move slowly!) can help you neutralize those old feelings for good.

As other people have noted, you're not the only person who did humiliating, immature things in college; we all did. She seems like a cool person who sees you in a good light. Try to see yourself that way.

But before you get in touch with her, maybe take some time to reflect on what's happened in your life in the intervening years. Do some writing (for yourself only) about the things you've done, the person you've become since college. It's easy when reconnecting with old friends to forget about how much you've changed and just become that same old person all over again. But you don't have to compete and keep score anymore. She wants to be friendly with you because she misses you and she's probably curious who you are now. Count yourself lucky and welcome the gesture.
posted by cymru_j at 8:32 PM on February 10, 2010

Totally agree with cymru_j. Sure you did some stupid things, but you need to forgive yourself now. You did the right thing by apologizing to her. Now, forgive yourself. Let it go. You don't deserve to plague yourself with all this. If you meet up with her, you can apologize again if you wish, and accept it if she says something like, "It's ok now. I've moved on. We were young and didn't know better."

She's normal and productive, but something about her makes me feel like I'm getting suckered into chaos and feeling like an uptight person to her free-spirited fun self, which made me feel like there was something really wrong with me.
Was. You viewed yourself for whatever reasons in a certain way back then, do you still view yourself in the same way? Why? Do you deserve to? Probably not. You are the only person who is feeling these feelings, and so you have the ability to change them, if you want. It really sounds you're afraid of yourself. Give yourself a chance. You might surprise yourself in the presence of this person.

You owe it to yourself to bring who you are now into this new phase of this friendship. If you want to keep that door closed on your past, that's fine. But don't keep torturing yourself. There's no point! What are you going to get out of it?
posted by foxjacket at 8:18 PM on February 11, 2010