Finding a soul mate -- how to do it?
February 4, 2010 10:18 AM   Subscribe

True love -- how do I find it? Long, rambling post inside...

Late 20s woman. Had an early bad experience in love, but since have had several relationships with great guys, most of whom I'm still friends with. The most recent one (a six-month relationship), I was really starting to fall deeply in love with. He dumped me quite suddenly and without much explanation and I still (even though we've been in contact since many times) haven't gotten an explanation.

I'm still pining for him (about 6 months after the breakup), but also looking forward as best as I can. I hold out this faint hope that he'll call me one day and tell me that he wants to try again (I've made clear that I'm interested in him and I know he's not seeing anyone.)

I'm fairly attractive, smart, etc. etc. I'm not gorgeous but I'm okay. I've tried online dating and have gotten lots of dates. I live in a fairly large city. It's not quantity that's the problem. (I've read the "Gasp! I'm single" posts on mefi.

The problem: finding guys that I really like, and keeping them once I have them. I don't think I know how to be a good girlfriend -- poor parental role models, blah blah.

I've been reading tons of stuff on MeFi about how to be a good girlfriend, and when I get another chance I'll try what I've learned... but I just can't help but think that I'm missing something big.

I have a therapist that I see occasionally, but she doesn't give me a lot of feedback on this stuff. She thinks I just haven't found the right guy yet. I went through a lot of family stuff, so we've mostly dealt with that. I've done a lot of therapy so I'm very open to learning about myself, etc.

I don't really have a question. I just know that I want to find someone amazing and love them and have them love me, for as long as possible. And it hasn't happened yet. And it may not. And I wish I knew what to do!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (36 answers total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
All my relationships before Mrs. Fry where disasters and fuck ups that I can barely understand.

You'll fail until you succeed.
posted by French Fry at 10:23 AM on February 4, 2010 [20 favorites]

I agree with your therapist.

Try to give up the hope that he'll come back, and also give up the hope that you'll get an explanation. Many breakups never get explained. You're free to come up with your own explanation, but I hope you attribute it to him and HIS issues, and not anything about you. (And in my experience, the breakups without explanation are ALWAYS about the dumper's issues, and not the dumpee's.)

Being a good girlfriend is pretty easy. Be a good girl (read: person), and be a good friend. Treat your paramour the way you'd like to be treated. Be interested and engaged, make time for the relationship, have fun with the other person. I bet you're not bad at those things, which brings me back to the point about the breakup being about HIM and HIS issues and not you.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:24 AM on February 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

also agreeing that you haven't met the right guy yet. my personal opinion is that "the right guy" is simply the appropriate mix of chemistry, similar life goals, and a willingness to compromise. strangely enough it's a rare, rare mix.
posted by raw sugar at 10:25 AM on February 4, 2010 [4 favorites]

I have two pieces of advice here:

1. Online dating can be great and all, but when I've done it in the past I've found the pool of people pretty limited. I think you'll have better luck finding a guy you really like IRL. The best way I have found to meet guys IRL are classes/organizations about things I am interested in, and rec sports teams.

2. I've made clear that I'm interested in him and I know he's not seeing anyone.

This means it is never going to happen. If he's a stand-up guy that is. If he's not a stand-up guy, he might call you when he's lonely, and then you won't hear from him again for another 6 months, if ever. Time to move on. Including in your thoughts.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:25 AM on February 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

This is only addressing part of your question, but:

While of course you can't help pining for your ex if that's where your heart is right now, I'd strongly discourage you from hoping he'll want to get back together or taking steps to try and make that happen. In my experience, it's never a good idea to talk someone out of breaking up with you if they're set on it, and an even worse idea to try and "win them back" once the relationship is over. You deserve to be with a man who WANTS to be with you -- even if you were successful in convincing him to date you again, talking him into something he's already let you know he doesn't want will not end well for either of you, and could do some pretty serious damage to your self-esteem and confidence in the process.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:35 AM on February 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

True love -- how do I find it?

Stop trying.

Seriously. Dates can smell desperation.

Work on relaxing. Meditating, even. Try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter if this date, or this guy, don't work out, since you can always try again.

Once you find a way to relax and let go of the overthinking "trying to be a good girlfriend" stuff, you may find that something more natural and real happens.

therapist... thinks I just haven't found the right guy yet.

I agree with your therapist.
posted by rokusan at 10:37 AM on February 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

Darlin', sometimes this stuff just takes us years to figure out.

But sometimes the thing that it takes you years to figure out is that it actually isn't anything you're failing to do -- it's the fact that you just had a seriously weird streak of rotten luck. Or it was stuff that THEY didn't know how to do, so they wouldn't have been good for you anyway.

Or you realize that there IS something you weren't doing, but the only way you could possibly have figured that out is to actually live through all that crap because that was the only way you could see it.

I realize this sounds like awful, awful news -- but look at it this way. If you're single when you finally come to that epiphany, you have that much better a chance at having the next relationship "take." And isn't it better to have found that out as a single person and have your first marriage be your only marriage, than to have found that out while you were married to the wrong person and have to break things off?

....Okay, yeah, I know that's still not the most comforting thing to hear, but it's what gets me through the night.

But we are all complex creatures. The more we know ourselves, the better equipped we are to love another. The only way you can find a "soul mate" is by knowing your own soul really well first -- and the more time you spend tending to that while you're single, rather than pining for someone else, the better your'e able to see that sometimes the breakups are as much THEIR fault as yours, or that it really WAS all him (sometimes that's NOT a line), and knowing yourself also helps you find the more sustainable relationships. They come along less frequently, but they stay longer.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:37 AM on February 4, 2010 [6 favorites]

To the extent that your question is "am I missing something big," which is as much of a question as I can find:

No. There isn't some big secret to finding love that we're keeping under our hats or something. It doesn't sound like you're sitting on your couch wondering why a white knight doesn't ride through the door. You're not missing anything, it just takes time.
posted by craven_morhead at 10:38 AM on February 4, 2010

People who think that finding love is 1) easy, 2) something that needs to be accomplished by the time one reaches 30, or 3) something that happens only once in one's life are, generally speaking, deluded.

The way to find a soul mate is to meet people, date them, assess where you stand. If they dump you, move on. If you dump them, move on. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Keep your eyes/mind/heart open. The key is not being a "good girlfriend" it's being a girlfriend who is good for her SO; they should love you for you, not because you're some ideal. When in doubt, stop trying so hard and concentrate on the other good things in your life; when you're happy and confident, it shows and is attractive to others. Don't put up with someone's bullshit; there's always someone else out there who is going to be better than that lying/cheating/stealing/DTMFA jerk. Don't overthink things. Be nice. Be patient. Listen and talk, in that order.

I think that's it.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:41 AM on February 4, 2010 [13 favorites]

I'm one of those people that believes in love at first date, because it happened to me. I think you'll know it's right immediately, when it's right.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:47 AM on February 4, 2010

I disagree with your therapist. Or rather, I don't disagree in your case specifically, because I don't know you, but if someone is worried enough about their ability to form relationships that they're talking about it to their therapist and posting about it on MeFi there may actually be a problem. Sometimes there really are problems. This "someday [your] prince will come" attitude is patronizing and isn't always helpful.

If you really think you have a problem -- as in you often think this about yourself, not just when you're having a bad day -- then consider getting a better therapist. Don't waste your twenties, and maybe decades more, being told it's just around the corner if you really feel that there might be some fixing to do before it can be.
posted by y6t5r4e3w2q1 at 10:53 AM on February 4, 2010

I just know that I want to find someone amazing and love them and have them love me, for as long as possible.

I think that sentence, together with the fact that you're asking how to be a good girlfriend on askmetafilter, is pretty touching, and shows that you would make a good girlfriend to someone someday. now you just gotta follow all the standard advice: put yourself out there, get some new activities/hobbies, meet people, etc.
posted by water bear at 10:55 AM on February 4, 2010

Well none of us know you or anything, but when I think about girlfriends I've had / have, those that I thought were the "best girlfriends" - in that we had healthy interactions, were fun to be around, all that - were those that didn't act like girlfriends. Its a lot more enjoyable to bask in the radiance of amazing, self-possessed people, partners that intrigue and challenge you, partners that are pursuing their own goals, than be around somebody who "acts" like a girlfriend.

And I have always known that the death knell, when I am about to get canned, is when I'm trying.
posted by RajahKing at 11:00 AM on February 4, 2010 [11 favorites]

I dislike the term "soulmate," because it sounds to me like a gender-neutral updating of the 'Prince Charming' idea. You shouldn't be looking for some fully-formed perfect mate to appear and save you from your sad singleness. When you first meet someone, no matter how great they are, your relationship with them doesn't even exist yet.

You meet many people, a few of whom you mesh well with. Among those are a few with whom there is merely the potential for a long and healthy love. The long and health love itself, though -- that you build from the raw materials.
posted by jon1270 at 11:05 AM on February 4, 2010 [4 favorites]

People who think that finding love is 1) easy, 2) something that needs to be accomplished by the time one reaches 30, or 3) something that happens only once in one's life are, generally speaking, deluded.

I mostly agree with this, but I think it's worth bringing up a slight caveat: finding love can be the easiest thing in the world, if you're not looking for it. It can surprise you sometimes. You're just going along with your life, doing what you can to just be happy, healthy, and fulfilled, and then, bang! Love sneaks up on you, like a mugger from an alley. You can't stop it, you didn't even realize it was waiting to pounce, and it's got you.

But Admiral Haddock is right that finding love can be very difficult. If you're actively seeking out love, then finding it can be very painful and hard. You can start examining each and every alleyway you pass to see if love, the mugger, is hiding there, and it can take a really long time to actually find it. And it can feel like an even longer amount of time, a painful amount of time, if you're so preoccupied with your search that you forget how else to be happy.

So, back to the question: I just know that I want to find someone amazing and love them and have them love me, for as long as possible. And it hasn't happened yet. And it may not. And I wish I knew what to do!

This sounds so dumb and cliche but: love yourself. That's what you need to do: love yourself. Look at life as a whole as something from which to get all the happiness and joy as you can. Look at yourself in the mirror and think, "What can I do to make this person I see as happy as possible?" and then work on doing any answer you come up with other than "find someone else to do it." Let searching for a love interest be on the back-burner, and let living your life to the fullest, so that you get to enjoy every day as much as possible, be your main goal. It's not that you should give up on finding love; instead, you need to give love a chance to sneak up on you unawares.


I'm not too happy with my metaphor of love as a mugger. That seems kind of mean. Maybe a better metaphor would be love-as-homeless-kitten. Very few alleyways have an adorable little kitten in them, just waiting for you to pick them up and take them home. If you examine every alleyway for a kitten to be yours, then you're going to spend a long time disappointed and preoccupied from the rest of life. And you'll also be more taken in by those mean alley cats who you'll accept as sweet kittens even though they really will just scratch and hurt you. It's just disappointment and heartbreak, that way. But if, instead, you just go along with life, happy as a clam in all other respects, sooner or later, you'll happen across a kitten in an alley and it'll feel like magic, like destiny. That metaphor works, I guess.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:10 AM on February 4, 2010 [7 favorites]

If there's anything to be said based on the info you've provided, it's that you come across as insecure when you attribute your problems to "being a bad girlfriend," and that's not going to help you. I have no idea how you've behaved in your past relationships, so maybe you are a bad girlfriend, but it seems at least as likely that things haven't worked out for some other reason unrelated to any choice you've made. That can be tough to deal with -- it's easier to think that things went south through some fault of yours, and that if you could've done things differently it would've worked out, or if you could just correct whatever character flaw you have you won't have to repeat the same failure in the future. But oftentimes that's not the case. So stop blaming yourself, because insecurity is unattractive. That's not to say I don't think you should work on improving yourself, but I think that's something everyone should be doing, and you should be doing it for yourself, not for some uninterested ex-boyfriend.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:12 AM on February 4, 2010

First and foremost: resolve to craft a life you want to live, whether or not you ever "find love." Determine the things that matter to you and do them. This is an absolute win-win proposition, because one of two things will happen: EITHER you won't find love and you'll still be enjoying a life of your own active creation, OR in the course of living that great life you'll find someone worth sharing it with.

Second: immediately drop the words "soul mate," "The One," and other related terms or concepts from your vocabulary. They are unrealistic and ultimately restrictive concepts that don't say much about the truth of creating and keeping loving, healthy relationships and instead serve primarily to make you put pressure on yourself (and the people around you).

Third: here is my obligatory recommendation for How to Be an Adult in Relationships, which I think is enormously useful whether you're currently in a relationship or not. (Obligatory caveats: title is misleading, because it's not really a "how-to" book; contains some hippy-dippy language that some may find offputting; contains writing exercises that you might or might not be interested in.)
posted by scody at 11:15 AM on February 4, 2010 [13 favorites]

I'm missing something big

Some people are jerks, some people are immature, some people aren't looking for love. I would bet that you are not the problem--as your therapist said, you just haven't yet found someone who is looking for the same things you are.
posted by sallybrown at 11:30 AM on February 4, 2010

Love finds you, not the other way around.

In my experience, it's usually when you least expect it. My two true loves have both been found during times in my life where I was looking for anything but love. Sometimes life likes to surprise you, so let it!
posted by sunshinesky at 11:35 AM on February 4, 2010

Here's what I'm wondering: what makes you think that you aren't already a good girlfriend?

And, here's what sucks: it's really hard to make true love happen when you want it to. It shows up in your life on its own schedule. You can't force it, so don't try.

Having said that, I had a friend who decided he had been single long enough, and set himself to the task of finding someone. When I asked him about it, he said something like this:
"Meeting the right person is a numbers game. If you assume that there's a set number of people out there who would be suitable mates for you, the key is to get out there and meet as many people as you can. This raises your chances of meeting someone in the suitable-for-you group." (This is kind of a scientific approach, but he's a programmer, what can I say?) It worked for him. He's shacked up with a very nice girl now.

If you decide to engage in this "meet as many people as you can" process, don't take it too seriously. Just have fun. Don't expect anything. And good luck.
posted by cleverevans at 11:38 AM on February 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

The reality is that a lot of people make it all the way to death without ever finding a soul mate. Maybe they marry anyway along the way, maybe not. I think you need to focus on being happy with what you do have in life. Oddly, happy people are more attractive, so if you just focus on being happy and stop worrying about finding a mate, you'll probably improve the chances of finding somebody, and you'll be happier. A win-win situation.
posted by COD at 11:45 AM on February 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

The challenge of finding a soulmate is that the term implies also *being* a soulmate. I think it's really as simple as this: if you like, or even (gasp!) love, someone... show it, genuinely. I've found that either leads to bliss or it shows the relationship wasn't meant to be.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:46 AM on February 4, 2010 [4 favorites]

When you feel the urge to "find a soulmate" you should stop and recognize it as an opportunity to do some self exploration. First, do the best you can to figure out exactly why you "want to find someone amazing and love them and have them love me, for as long as possible" Do you fear that you might be single for the rest of your life? Would this really be so bad? Do you feel the urge to be stroked and reassured? Is this a manifestation of deeper insecurity or uncertainty? Consider the fact that you do not need the type of interpersonal love you crave in order to feel whole.

Recognize that you do not need another person in your life to live a happy and fulfilling, dynamic, interesting life. Recognize that there are no guarantees in love or in life and that you are not necessarily entitled to unconditional love from anyone other than yourself. Do not let this realization harden you. Accept it objectively and passively. Couch it in terms of giving you the inner fortitude to enjoy life both when you're single and when you're not. Also allow it to give you the strength you need to deal with the emotions that come from love gone wrong.

The concepts of "The One" or a "Soulmate" are garbage. Approach life with an open heart and embrace the relationships that come your way - but resist the temptation to grasp at them. Cultivate a persona that exudes self-love and looks at a relationship as a supplement to life well lived (but not inherently necessary FOR a life well lived).

Relax. Change your focus. Keep trying for the love you seek, but do so tangentially, casually. Chances are it will come to you in time, but understand that if it does not...its no big deal.
posted by jnnla at 11:55 AM on February 4, 2010 [34 favorites]

Along the lines of making yourself happy first, I say get out more, keep that social calendar full. Go join some group activities, like clubs or classes (running club, book club, cooking classes, dance classes, yoga, painting/stained glass/pottery, etc. etc.). Whatever interests you that you haven't previously explored yet. There are lots of pros to this:
1) The excitement of something new will be uplifting and give you something to look forward to
2) The preoccupation of a new activity will give you less time to worry and pine
3) It presents an opportunity to expand your social circle. Even if you don't meet guys to date in these clubs immediately, you might meet some down the road if they join later. Making new friends is fun too and they could also lead to meeting interesting eligible bachelors.

Don't put a focus on online dating - sitting at home all night every night is a recipe for depression and it prevents you from moving on from past relationships too. Leave your profile up if you like, but personally I'm finding this online dating thing leaves you feeling like unless it's a perfect match then you're better off to just keep looking. How is either party really going to get a good feel for that in just a few dates when neither person is truly relaxed and comfortable? Reflecting back, my longest relationships have been with guys whom I'd have probably just passed over if we had just met online (or they me).
posted by lizbunny at 12:01 PM on February 4, 2010

OP, if I could favorite jnnla's comment a thousand times, I would. Every word is spot-on.
posted by scody at 12:12 PM on February 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

You'll be a "good girlfriend" when your partner loves the way you naturally treat him. That is, when you find someone who likes you being yourself, poof... you're a good girlfriend.

Which is really a backward, twisted up way of saying that's when you know you've found the right person.

Again: no special effort. Be you.
posted by rokusan at 2:31 PM on February 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

Building off of jnnla's comment: be comfortable with yourself, and complete in yourself. Others will compliment you, help you through tough times, and enjoy the good times with you, but you shouldn't require them. They just make everything better.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:57 PM on February 4, 2010

Do you fear that you might be single for the rest of your life?

It's a general human condition to want companionship and love, I think. Stop treating the OP as a defective, dysfunctional, dependent person.

OP: Someone wise told me that all relationships are failures until they succeed. That special someone is rare because true love is rare. But you can increase your opportunities to meet this person by widening your social circle.
posted by moiraine at 3:10 PM on February 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

You'll happen upon each other. That's how it goes. You can't force this sort of thing; not even gentle nudging will make it happen. You'll just increase the likelihood of less beneficial/compatible matches by focusing on this as a goal. I promise.

Instead, focus on you. Let go of thinking about another person, other than circulating socially with people you find interesting and worthwhile. Tighten up your vocations, become devoted to becoming the most whole you, and spend time on giving yourself what you've always wanted.

Love yourself. If you don't know how yet (many people have to learn this as they go through life, so don't feel like too much of a misfit, here), just work on it the way you'd work on any other relationship: conscientiously and tenderly.

Develop your friendships so they are fully faceted and nourishing. Meet new people, learn how to do new things, and go new places. Let your mind and heart explore instead of leashing them to this desire.

If you do these things - and you might barely get a start or get deep into the process - you will have more potential for real love, real connection, and real intimacy. And those you meet along the way who can't offer that whole package will at least be part of you getting there instead of being the product of reaction and acquisitive thinking.

To a healthy heart!
posted by batmonkey at 3:26 PM on February 4, 2010

I have this kind of ridiculous personal theory that is based in part on that overused Gandhi saying ("Be the change you wish to see in the world") and in part on my own tightly-wound/hyper-critical nature.

My theory goes something like this: "Be the man you want to marry."

I spend a lot of time thinking about what that means, and who that is, and how close I am to achieving that ideal. I know that smacks of narcissism ("So why don't you MARRRRRRY yourself?!") but, on the whole, this has helped me enjoy my life more. It has helped me come to terms with the fact that I have to be happy with my life whether I share it with another person or not.

It reminds me that there's no endpoint. There's no moment when I'm "done" and perfect for someone, no moment when I'll be a Good Boyfriend. There are just different shades of better. And that's all I want to be.

I haven't found a partner, but not from lack of interest in suitors. I simply haven't found someone who is also trying to be the man I want to marry. When I do, I'll know it.
posted by greekphilosophy at 3:58 PM on February 4, 2010 [5 favorites]

...And it hasn't happened yet. And it may not. And I wish I knew what to do!

Just keep at it, don't get discouraged! My experience has taught me the best way to find love is to simply stop looking for it - be open to it, but don't obsess over "when will it happen?". You obviously have no problem getting dates and have been in relationships, so it sounds to me like you've got a pretty good start. Focus on building a life that isn't relationship-centric - find fulfillment in other aspects of your life, spend time with friends, take up hobbies, travel, etc. It'll help you meet more people and give you more to talk about when you do meet someone.

On second glance, pretty much everything jnnla said.
posted by photo guy at 4:01 PM on February 4, 2010

Recognize that you do not need another person in your life to live a happy and fulfilling, dynamic, interesting life.

There is a tiny, tiny minority of people who can genuinely live their lives alone and be happy with it. The majority of humans are driven by the underlying gregarious animal that humans are, and that needs to be with another being to fulfill their biological and cultural destiny. Most people have no need or desire to escape their basic humanity.

Perhaps a clue to your relationships is that you accept a therapist who dismisses your concerns without helping you to explore them. They say that a large part of the purpose of a therapist is to learn to have someone treat you decently. If your therapist is dismissing you then s/he is not treating you decently, which is maybe where the bad relationship role-models tie in.
posted by y6t5r4e3w2q1 at 4:00 PM on February 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

(Or maybe it's not that your therapist is bad but that in this particular area you aren't all that good at communicating your concerns to your therapist, and as relationships are all about communicating then communicating in such a way as to get your therapist to take you seriously is part of your challenge.)
posted by y6t5r4e3w2q1 at 6:41 PM on February 5, 2010

First, drop these notions of “soul mate” and “true love.” Yes, it can be lovely to think there is The One Out There For You but if you are too fixated on that you are going to miss a lot of things as you go through life, such as perfectly good partners, opportunities, personal growth, etc. Then you might end up like Lori Gottlieb and mistakenly think, “I should have settled!” (and then do a huge disservice to women everywhere and write a book about it telling them to do the same thing) instead of really interrogating this “soul mate” and “true love” notion.

I’ve always hated the advice of “maybe you haven’t found the right guy yet.” Maybe you haven’t found the right therapist yet, especially if she’s not providing you what you want/need. Finding a good therapist is like finding a good partner – the chemistry has to be right. The difference is that you’re paying the therapist, and I suppose you go into it thinking that you’re not going to be with them forever (just two of several differences :D ). Anyone can tell you you haven’t found the right guy yet; you don’t have to pay a professional to get that advice.

I just know that I want to find someone amazing and love them and have them love me, for as long as possible. And it hasn't happened yet. And it may not. And I wish I knew what to do!
Lots of people quoted this part in their responses and so will I! How about not doing anything? How about stopping the search? How about just letting go (which is different from abandoning the idea), getting on with life, continuing to learn about yourself? By letting go you allow your mind/body/spirit to readjust and let new ideas and thoughts come in. Think about the people you’ve had relationships with – what are the patterns? Who were they as people, how did they treat you, what did you like about them, why did you choose them, how did the relationships go, etc. etc.? If you’re still friends with your exes, maybe you can ask them if they thought you were a good gf?

I also wonder, do you think you haven’t been a good girlfriend? If so, why?

Agreed with others that if the recent guy dumped you with no explanation, it had something to do with him. Maybe he freaked that you were falling in love with him and he didn’t feel the same way. Stop looking for him to explain it. Not gonna happen. He’s also not going to go back to you precisely because you told him “I’m interested in you.” I’m pretty sure that as soon as you start going out with someone else, that he’s going to want to go out with you again. But, don’t date others to try to get his attention and make him want you back – that’s unfair to the people you’re with and to yourself, and manipulative.

You say your problem is finding guys you really like – what about all the past relationships you’ve had? Did you not like them?

but I just can't help but think that I'm missing something big.
When I’ve felt this way I take it as a sign that I’m not listening to myself. The something big you’re missing isn’t some secret “out there” that we’re keeping under our hats that if you just gave us the secret password, we’d give it to you. I think this something big is your own truth. Which is a lifelong journey to uncover - but all of us go through it, so you're not alone!
posted by foxjacket at 10:58 PM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Well, I disagree with just about everything said here. This is mostly the kind of advice that drove me crazy when I was looking for love.

And I was looking for love, hard, even desperately. I found Mr. Lizzle online. The only thing I can say about all the found-in-RL jackasses who preceded him is that they taught me to recognize instantly when a man was also looking for love, not just killing time, or acting out gothic emotional issues.

We got married six months after meeting. It's ten years later, and even though we've had various hard times, I think he saved my life, and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

So forget about pretending you're not desperate. With the right guy, you can't do anything wrong. As the Steve Martin character said in LA STORY: "There's someone out there for everyone--even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them."
posted by Lizzle at 9:14 AM on March 13, 2010 [4 favorites]

Oh, and also:

For me, five years of talk therapy were a worthless, time-consuming money suck. There must be good therapists out there, but I've never met them. If I had put the money wasted in Vanguard index funds, Mr. Lizzle and I would be rich now, as opposed to "merely" comfortable.
posted by Lizzle at 9:18 AM on March 13, 2010

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