How do I cure my sexuality
January 25, 2010 10:39 AM   Subscribe

How do you get over someone who you once loved, but now the interest is purely sexual? I don't need him emotionally, but at night I feel so damn lonely. Long story inside.

(Boy 1) We were in a relationship for a good length of time. The breakup was horrifying and put me in a state of depression for a number of months. He came back every few months, and the first couple of times I fell for his urgings that he loved me and wanted to make it work again. Each time, we dated for another few months, and I was similarly hurt when it ended. After a while, I stopped accepting his advances, often yelling at him to leave me alone. In the meantime, I dated two other guys and felt well into my way of getting over him. I hardly thought about him anymore, and was for the most part apathetic when I did.

Recently, he contacted me and we had a long chat. He'd been diagnosed with a mild form of bipolar disorder, and was in the process of treatment. We were very friendly and I felt like it was a good conclusion to the relationship- he apologized profusely for his actions and made sure that no hard feelings were left. After this, I felt really good, and a lot of the resentment I felt toward him sort of lifted away.

Afterwards, I dated a guy (Boy 2), and to be honest, didn't find him all that attractive or fitting to my personality. We dated for a short period of time, and when I realized it wouldn't work, I broke up with him. I'd never broken up with someone before, and he seemed very hurt by the fact that I'd done it. He didn't react well- a lot of calling me to see if I would take him back, messaging me over facebook and IM, and even planning to show up at my door one morning (which I convinced him out of at the last minute). I was partially relieved by the fact that he was gone, but for the most part horrified that I could hurt someone like I had- he was reacting how I did when Boy 1 broke up with me, and I remembered how much it sucked to be in that position.

Anyway, I felt immensely guilty about what I did to Boy 2, and in a moment of weakness called up Boy 1. He came over- we started out just talking like we did over the phone that one day. It felt really good to talk to him again, comforting. Things, however, didn't end up how I planned. That night I slept with him. Since then I saw him once more, again sleeping with him, as well as talking occasionally over the phone.

I'm currently confused about how to feel. We both know the relationship won't work- we talked the last time I saw him and agreed that it couldn't work, he says he doesn't want to put me through what he did before. I agreed, and I haven't seen him since and rarely talk to him. But I find myself constantly missing him... nothing like when the relationship first ended- where I missed him as a friend as much as a partner. Now, I only think of him in a sexual way- such as at night or when fantasizing. I'm stuck- I can stop missing someone, such as a friend, by not being around them, and gradually the pain fades away. But my sexuality isn't something I can turn off- whenever I'm in that mood, I fixate on him and I feel so damn lonely because I can't have him. I feel like I'm a highly sexual person- and this makes my situation all that much worse. I can spend a lot of my spare thinking time focusing on what I'd like to be doing, and most of the time, it's him.

How do you get over something like this? I feel like I'll never stop being sexually attracted to him, and until I find someone else to fixate upon, I'll be stuck feeling lonely.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Stop the bleeding, start the healing. You're making a lot of little messes all over the place. This isn't about your sexual needs. There are other ways to get off and there's plenty of stuff to work through here; exploring both of these endeavors should keep you quite busy for a while. I wish you the best of luck, but you really need to move on from all of this.

Loneliness sucks. You can't fill it. I'm sorry. It does get better though, so keep your eye on that prize, all by your badass lonesome.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:49 AM on January 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

Every time he leaves, a timer starts. You don't know how long it will take, but eventually it will go off and you will be over for him. Every time you see him again it restarts. You can't turn off your desire, but you can control it. Be in control of yourself. Let him go. Try your best to be lonely, if you can't stand it find someone else (inadvisable by many but, hell, I don't know how people can stand being lonely either.) You might never stop finding him sexually attractive, but your head will clear up enough to let you discover that it's okay and just because you want to and can sleep with him, doesn't remotely imply that you should.
posted by griphus at 10:49 AM on January 25, 2010 [5 favorites]

Dammit. "Over him," not "over for him."
posted by griphus at 10:50 AM on January 25, 2010

As with all affairs of the heart, time and distance are all you need. How much time and distance differs with each person. But we've all been there.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:51 AM on January 25, 2010

It doesn't sound like this is a purely sexual interest to me. It sounds like you've figured out that sex (under the pretense of no-strings-attached) is a reliable way to make sure that he's still "yours" in a way.

The way to get over this is to be totally honest with your feelings, own them, don't play with other people's feelings, and be patient.
posted by oinopaponton at 10:51 AM on January 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

Just want to add that I believe you can do it, and the detachment may not be as awful as you think it now. I'm sorry if I was harsh in my response...I've been you - I think many, many people have, whether or not they want to admit it publicly - and I know that what helped me was a harsh line, a wake-up call that said, "Hey, stop being that person you don't want to be and move on from all of this drama!" So, that's where I was going with that. Again, good luck and I wish you good clarity and a least-painful way to distance yourself and re-up your awesomeness.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:58 AM on January 25, 2010

I was kind of in a situation like this (minus the extra boy) and the only thing that worked was time and distance from the boy. Breaking up is lonely. That's part of the deal. But it doesn't mean that you are going to be lonely forever. You will find someone else.

This is not about sex, this is about grieving a loss. One way to get through it is to stop focusing on what you've lost--now's a great time to focus on you and what you want instead.
posted by Kimberly at 11:02 AM on January 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

Been in a very similar situation. Time and space fixed it, eventually. And you don't need to worry about choosing between pining for him and giving up on your sex drive; it'll detach from him just like the rest of you will/has, after a while.
posted by Catseye at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2010

Masturbate, pout, and delete his number.

Lonliness is largely curable by increasing the number of positive ineractions you have in one day--with anyone. Just simple chats with the barista, call a friend for a few minutes, smile at a baby. Get out of your house and car as much as possible. Good luck.
posted by kathrineg at 11:39 AM on January 25, 2010 [5 favorites]

and delete his number.

Def. but if you're all modern and social network-y, you'll probably need to take some extra steps to get him out of your life. De-friend him on the social networks (he might ask some questions but if he doesn't get it, don't let that deter you) and use this to keep yourself honest. I can personally advocate its efficacy.
posted by griphus at 11:56 AM on January 25, 2010

I think it's normal to start thinking about your ex after dating someone who weren't really attracted to. At one point, you were attracted to you ex and it's tough to find someone you actually like. Lots of people will then start thinking about their ex and how much they used to be attracted to that particular person. It's common to emotionally want to run back to the person you were attracted to once.

I think you should stop all contact with your ex because you are still thinking of him as a romantic partner. Unless you can think of him as purely a friend, further contact will likely keep you from moving on to new people.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:22 PM on January 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

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