I want to be more kinky and less thinky.
January 22, 2010 6:59 PM   Subscribe

My hang-ups are stopping me enjoying kinky times with my wife. I want to find a way to get over them because they're driving me crazy. (Very NSFW details inside.)

I am about 30 and have been married for a few years. I have a stable, monogamous, happy relationship with my wife. Our vanilla sexlife is fine. But...

I've been a male-to-female transvestite since adolescence. I'm very good at it - I can pass as female without trouble. I also greatly enjoy sexual submission, powerplay, BDSM, femdom and so on. I would love to explore this with my wife.

My wife knows about the dressing, and she knew long before we were married, or even engaged. She likes me to dress for her. We have discussed D/s scenarios that we would both enjoy - me serving her as a maid for a weekend, for instance. She loves the idea, and it absolutely thrills me. All I have to do is say the word, and we can try it.

I really, really want to do this (or something similar). But I can't go through with it. The thought freezes me with fear, and I can't get over that. I don't fear something going wrong or being hurt - it's more that I can't face turning the switch and losing control. I can't commit myself to the roleplay and enjoy it. I worry about being embarrassed. I worry that I'm not able to unlink what we do in the scenario to the rest of our (vanilla) life. I worry that I won't be able to look at the Mistress dominating me without thinking of her as my lovely equal wife, and all the other things we do.

How on earth do I deal with this? The desire conflicting with these hang-ups is eating me up inside. My wife doesn't know why I've suddenly "lost interest" in these activities. It's making me miserable. At the very least, how do I get up the guts to talk with her frankly about this?

(Please don't suggest anything involving drink or drugs - we don't do either.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Maybe a weekend is too much too soon. Could you be her maid for an hour, or for twenty minutes? Maybe ease into this a little bit. Going from zero to super-kinky shouldn't be rushed, I would think.
posted by Neofelis at 7:14 PM on January 22, 2010 [7 favorites]


I think you're most of the way there. Many people with similar desires are afraid to talk about it with their partners, for fear of what the reaction will be. Your partner knows your desires and is enthusiastic about following them.

Neo has a good idea, I think.
posted by megatherium at 7:30 PM on January 22, 2010


it sounds like you're putting immense pressure on yourself for this to all be perfect. there are a lot of themes going on in your kink and maybe separating them out a little will reduce the anxiety.

since you already dress for her - tell her you'd like it if she told you what to do the next time you dress for her - have her tell you how to eat her pussy, how to touch her - if you're feeling it - have her blindfold you.

this gets the sub/dom juices flowing without having to bring in gear and safe words and pressures about drinking coffee together the next morning.

this will also let her start getting into her role (especially if she's also new to D/s).

for me, part of the allure of submission is freeing my brain for a few minutes of the CONTROL FREAK it normally is. i get to just give it all up for a minute and let someone else take all that on. i can't really give advice how to get there, but i will say that it's totally worth it.

your wife sounds very supportive and very loving - maybe show her this thread so she can see how you describe your fears. as someone who has agreed to take the D role of your D/s fantasies, it will be up to her to really get you relaxed and comfortable.
posted by nadawi at 7:36 PM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]


How about taking some improv acting classes? It could be a good way to practice taking that step and letting go of your fear.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 7:49 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


nadawi's got it. You need to start slow. Serving as a maid for the weekend is probably a bit much for your first time out of the gate. And if the wife is going to be the D to your s, she's gonna have to take some responsibility for easing you both in. Playing at it for short sessions will help you both ease into your roles and create a D/s relationship that is compatible and complimentary to the relationship you already have.
posted by dchrssyr at 8:33 PM on January 22, 2010


What sorts of things do you do for her normally, when you're not dressing, that she enjoys? Could you just add your dressing to one small normal feature of your sex life, maybe have her explain assertively that she would like Normal Thing X from you, but only if you're dressed first?

Then it's just some small thing you're already comfortable doing, with two things you enjoy-- her dominance and your dressing-- added on top. She's not under any pressure to control the scene for a full 48 hours while she's still new to it, and you're not completely hosed by performance anxiety.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:06 PM on January 22, 2010


What about going away for a night, either away-away or to a local hotel, so you can separate your domestic life from this a bit as you start to explore it? Kind of a "what happens in [] stays in []" thing.
posted by padraigin at 10:31 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


I have a sex thing that I wouldn't have even considered doing for a long time. Then, I saw it on an "adult film," and I was like, "Hey, that sounds like fun."

Maybe seeing someone else, either live or on film, doing what you want to do but can't bring yourself to do will get you over the last hump, whatever it may be.

Good luck!
posted by elder18 at 10:53 PM on January 22, 2010


I have an idea that might be bad, but I'm just going to throw it out there in hopes that it might work or at least spark more ideas of your own :)

Give your wife a specific time when you'll be coming home for a play-date. Ask her to wear a costume that disguises her, including her face (a simple mask will do there). And make sure she knows you'll do the same. Come home and rediscover her as a "stranger" and let her rediscover you. What you'll really be doing is learning to push your boundaries and have some fun. And hopefully it'll help you get over your inhibitions... inhibitions that are completely understandable and completely overcome-able.

Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 11:24 PM on January 22, 2010


P.S. Neo's advice is great!
posted by 2oh1 at 11:25 PM on January 22, 2010


Since you're mostly talking in terms of D/s play here, it's also worth thinking about whether the fear / suspense / vulnerability being conjured up here is part of the kink for you. Some subs find it really hot to succumb to that precarious feeling of being exposed and under someone else's control, while other subs can only enjoy themselves when the sub/dom play is embedded in a dense network of "safety" measures (i.e., when they still exert some control at the meta, real-life level). Of course, lots of subs end up somewhere between these poles.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that part of the key to this might not be getting rid of ALL of the anxiety and fear, but rather dialing things down to a level where you can get off on the thrilling, exciting aspects of submission without being overwhelmed by them…like wanting to be pushed without being completely tipped over.
posted by LMGM at 12:25 AM on January 23, 2010


I felt compelled to say
I hope you find the strength to share it with your wife
rather than with a stranger.
posted by will wait 4 tanjents at 2:08 AM on January 23, 2010


I worry that I won't be able to look at the Mistress dominating me without thinking of her as my lovely equal wife, and all the other things we do.

This is a tension that's always present, on both sides.

It's no easier for a dominant partner to look down at their darling, cherished lover while simultaneously trying very hard to think of them as a filthy sex object so they can treat them that way. It often takes a very concerted act of will to do it... but that internal, mental tug-of-war is all part of the fun. It's intellectual tension. Great sex is 95% mental gymnastics.

(The other five percent is physical gymnastics, of course, along with icing the muscles that get pulled along the way.)
posted by rokusan at 3:26 AM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]


I worry that I won't be able to look at the Mistress dominating me without thinking of her as my lovely equal wife, and all the other things we do.

This has a positive side, it will help you feel secure and safe. Your fantasy will never be 100% pure and perfect fantasy where the woman is 100% dom 100% of the time. Maybe in porn, because it's porn. Don't take it seriously. That woman with the latex boots takes them off, she goes home and feeds her cat, she's friendly to the guy who works at the coffee shop.

If you ease into it (and you should, by doing things that she enjoys)* you'll slowly come to think of your lovely equal wife as someone who also dominates you sometimes. Your wife has sex with you and you still think of her as the woman who has thanksgiving with the family, right? It's all part of the same person. And doms are people.

As far as the unlinking goes, I see what you're worried about. You don't want to lose your great vanilla relationship. Here's my take on it: if you really get into a scene, it'll take you a little time to wind down afterward, she'll be a little bit bossier than and you'll feel a bit needier and submissive. This will last for a time ranging from a few minutes to a day. One or both of you might feel guilty, ashamed, weird, awkward, whatever. Or you might feel awesome. Or a mix of both. It's okay. Give yourself time to relax and cuddle, eat a snack. Do things together that you both enjoy and have enjoyed together in the past to get you back into your vanilla routine. Brunch. Vanilla sex. A movie. This means you'll need time after you're done.

This brings me to scheduling. I know you were just using it as an example, but a weekend is too long.** Try for 20-60 minutes on a Saturday afternoon. You'll have time to get ready that morning, time to play, a couple of hours of cuddling and recovering, and then you can go out Saturday night, relax on Sunday, enjoy the weekend.

You and your wife can't live up to your fantasy. I command you to try, and fail, at least ten times *cracks whip, falls off of 6-inch heels*


*If you want her to be willing to keep dominating you, start slowly with something she loves. It is hard work and she should be getting substantial payback to encourage her to continue. Like lots of orgasms, a pedicure, and a perfect cappuccino.

** I think that you both might be underestimating the effort and skill that she will have to put into it. Using your example, she does not want to be in control of every time you pee (eat, sleep, talk, etc) for two days. Even if she wants to, she doesn't know how and will run out of ideas!

posted by kathrineg at 9:05 AM on January 23, 2010


By the way, you don't have to role-play to be dominant/submissive. By that I mean you can be yourselves, but she can tell you what to do. It's a little more nuanced than that, but you don't have to start calling her ma'am or using strict protocol or only speak when spoken to (unless that's what she wants). Do what she asks or tells you to do. Voila, you're submissive.

And an example scene (that actually works for any gender): She takes you to a slutty clothing store, picks out things for you to try on, decides what you should get. You come home and she demands that you give her head while wearing the things she picked out. You're not allowed to touch yourself or orgasm unless she specifically gives you permission.
posted by kathrineg at 9:13 AM on January 23, 2010


Going from zero to super-kinky shouldn't be rushed

I want to know where the pedal for this is.
posted by pianomover at 4:56 PM on January 23, 2010


Going from zero to super-kinky shouldn't be rushed

I want to know where the pedal for this is.


It's over there next to the riding crop and boots.
posted by dchrssyr at 10:40 PM on January 23, 2010


Fellow TV here, I understand some of what you are going through. Sexual desires are powerful and can feel overwhelming. I suggest couples therapy where you two can go and you can voice your fears, concerns, desires and whatnot. Saying them out loud to your partner and to a neutral third will help you evaluate them and see if they are grounded in reality. You probably won't need long term therapy for this. It's just to set up a place where you can talk.

Also, consider following your fears through in detail. Suppose she loves it and you wife does become your dom. Follow that through and ask what that would be like. Would that be terrible? Why? Are you afraid of losing what you have now? Suppose you love it and start moving toward full-time. What would that be like? By exploring the consequences of these fears you can start to move through them and see why the hold power over you. FWIW, neither of these outcomes is likely.

I'm jealous by the way. Having a game, giving partner is no small thing. Embrace your good fortune.
posted by chairface at 7:35 PM on January 24, 2010


At the very least, how do I get up the guts to talk with her frankly about this?

Speaking as a female dominant, it's vitally important that you find some way to convey that you're having issues and your lack of interest does not mean she's doing anything wrong. Otherwise it can be really, really difficult to regain the confidence needed to be dominant. Even if all you can say is "I've been having some internal conflict about the kinky stuff, but it's not your fault," that's better than saying nothing. She needs to trust you to be completely honest and vulnerable, just as much as you need to trust her that you won't be embarrassed or emotionally wounded.

I don't fear something going wrong or being hurt - it's more that I can't face turning the switch and losing control.

Safewords aren't just for physical pain and discomfort - a submissive can also use them to stop a scene if it's gotten too emotionally charged.

I worry that I won't be able to look at the Mistress dominating me without thinking of her as my lovely equal wife, and all the other things we do.


This is why people often wear different clothing and call each other different names/titles when they scene. Just having a collar put on you and calling her Mistress may be enough to shift your mind into a different gear. Experiment and you'll find out what it is that makes you want to give up control.
posted by desjardins at 2:22 PM on January 25, 2010


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