Looking for Lousy Love Songs
January 22, 2010 8:49 AM   Subscribe

I'm looking for poorly written love songs

Today is my 5yr wedding anniversary and I've created a video for my husband of our past years together, but the only thing missing is the song that goes behind it.

We have a running joke that Czech music has lousy lyrics, so I'd like to find a song that has either bad lyrics or the singer/singers first language is not English and their just not pulling off a love song - although they mean well.

An example is Heartbeat by Daniel K. It can be poppy, serious, funny, etc..
posted by czechmate to Media & Arts (37 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
The Beatles - "You Know What to Do." An early composition by George Harrison that wasn't officially available until it was released on Anthology, Vol. I. Pretty pathetically written and performed, though charmingly so.

Guided by Voices - "Burns Carpenter, Man of Science." One of the worst love song lines I've heard: "This kind of love will destroy the ozone."

Ben Lee - "Pop Queen."

All a matter of opinion, of course.

posted by Jaltcoh at 9:02 AM on January 22, 2010

One more:

Prince - "Temptation"
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:04 AM on January 22, 2010

This song is like that on purpose
posted by amethysts at 9:04 AM on January 22, 2010

I always thought this song by Savage Garden was the worst love song I'd ever heard.
posted by hermitosis at 9:05 AM on January 22, 2010

If I was a sculptor
But then again, no
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 9:07 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]

Careless Whisper is the first thing I thought of. I heard once that George Michael wrote it when he was 12, which appears to not be true, but it sure is a believable rumor.
posted by something something at 9:07 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

posted by Redhush at 9:09 AM on January 22, 2010

Siberian throat singing seems particularly unsuited for love songs, as this cover of 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' demonstrates.
posted by Coobeastie at 9:11 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

What about Grinderman's No P**** Blues (wiki link, not YT as it's definitely NSFW)?

I adore the song, but it sucks as a way to try to woo a woman.
posted by carabiner at 9:16 AM on January 22, 2010

posted by bookgirl18 at 9:21 AM on January 22, 2010

I have a soft spot for One Semester Spanish Love Song, myself.

posted by rokusan at 9:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

Randy Travis had a terrible song called "Forever Together" (I think) which contained the line:

"Forever together/till death do we part."
posted by fourcheesemac at 9:46 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon. It's actually not a half-bad song, but ye gods, the lyrics...when it gets to the chorus - "YOU, YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE!!!!" - I crack up every time. The first time my wife heard it she said "Someone should tell him there's a cream for that."
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:49 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

There's a parody of Careless Whisper on the "Music & Lyrics" soundtrack called "Meaningless Kiss"

posted by chazlarson at 9:50 AM on January 22, 2010

How about R. Kelly's "You remind me of something"

It's something about your love that's got me going crazy
Baby, you know I want you real bad
And girl I really like your freaky style
How can I be down with you?

Not so much a love song, I guess.
posted by mokeydraws at 9:52 AM on January 22, 2010

Muskrat Love. Incredibly enough, this song was a huge hit.

Nibblin' on bacon
Chewin' on cheese
Sam says to Suzie
Honey, would you please be my Mrs
Suzie says, yes, with her kisses
Now, he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle
Now anything goes as they wriggle
Sue starts to giggle

posted by jamaro at 9:54 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jaltcoh Hating on George Harrison? That's a-paddlin'!

Hey, I'm a big fan of George Harrison -- not just his Beatles songs but his albums All Things Must Pass, Living in the Material World, 33 1/3, and Cloud Nine. But "You Know What to Do," the second song he ever wrote, was a novice effort that the Beatles wisely discarded after recording an audibly lackluster demo. I actually still love the song in all its mediocrity, but I think it might suit the OP's purposes.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:55 AM on January 22, 2010

"How Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees, covered by Luma Patea. It's from the Tongan Ninja soundtrack. Good luck finding a recording in Georgia, but it's exactly what you're looking for.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:56 AM on January 22, 2010

Are songs that are more about the agony of love (rather than the sparkly glory of love) OK? If so, I offer Def Leppard's "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" -- I non-ironically love the hell out of it, but the the line "a broken rose with laughing eyes" cracks me up every single time in its terribleness. It's possibly my favorite mixed metaphor ever.
posted by scody at 11:00 AM on January 22, 2010

I've always thought LL Cool J's "I Need Love" was spectacularly bad on many levels.
posted by kitty teeth at 11:37 AM on January 22, 2010

Phil Collins' A Groovy Kind of Love takes the cake for me. The video even has a meta-significance here, as Phil appears to watching lovey scenes from old movies on film (perhaps someone else can supply further context here).
posted by hiteleven at 11:37 AM on January 22, 2010

Boring repetitive melody, awkward lyrics, treacly sentiments, paired with Thomas Kinkade-like images. This one has always set my teeth on edge.

Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg
posted by marsha56 at 11:43 AM on January 22, 2010

"I want to hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry" somethingsomething. I had the misfortune of being in a Pilipino market the other day when this stinker burst through the ambience, and everyone else in the market started singing. Painfully funny.

Also, "If this isn't love we're making, I don't know what it is" Every time I hear this lyric I break into hysterics.

Fortunately, I don't know the title or author of either of these stinkers.
posted by effluvia at 11:55 AM on January 22, 2010

Jonathan Richman is your man.
posted by Paris Elk at 12:02 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

"I want to hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry" somethingsomething

is Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill.

If that's the kind of bad cheese you're after, try Air Supply.
posted by K.P. at 12:30 PM on January 22, 2010

Phil Collins' A Groovy Kind of Love takes the cake for me.

That song is a cake-taker for sure, but you can't hang it all on Phil. He just added his version to the stink-o-pile.

"A Groovy Kind of Love" is a pop song written by Toni Wine and Carole Bayer Sager for the Screen Gems music publishing company. It is heavily based on the Rondo movement of Sonatina in G major, op. 36 no. 5 by Muzio Clementi. The song was released first by Diane & Annita in 1965, and several covers have since appeared on worldwide music charts.
posted by Skot at 12:37 PM on January 22, 2010

Stephen Sondheim has said in interviews that he deliberately wrote "Unworthy of Your Love" from Assassins to be a love song gone wrong. It starts off all right (forgetting that the singers are Squeaky Fromme and John Hinckley, Jr.) but gets weirder and weirder as the song goes on.
posted by ilana at 1:21 PM on January 22, 2010

I Think I Love You by the Partridge Family
posted by telstar at 3:15 PM on January 22, 2010

"can't fight this feeling" by REO Speedwagon makes me laugh. my favourite part:

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.

posted by gursky at 4:10 PM on January 22, 2010

"Dear Diary" by Britney Spears. Shudder.
posted by motsque at 4:59 PM on January 22, 2010

Tagalog version of "Sometimes When We Touch", featuring Paris Hilton video.

OK, my work here is done.
posted by telstar at 5:30 PM on January 22, 2010

I like Frank Zappa's "Charva". It's a pastiche doo-wop written by a teenage meat-head attempting to re-woo his angry girlfriend after he punched out her father.
posted by rlk at 6:31 PM on January 22, 2010

Bicycles, Roller Skates, and You (youtube link). And I say that as someone who generally likes 60s bubblegum pop.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:10 PM on January 22, 2010

How about the certain seduction that is four Ukrainian guys making aural overtures to you with the timeless strains of:

Guitar, guitar, guitar, guitar! Come into my boudoir!
You have a possibility, play it with me!

Los Colorados the accordion, bass drum, guitar, and bass combo.

if you're in my swapset, you can look forward to this. yeah.
posted by Sallyfur at 1:19 AM on January 23, 2010

Calculation Theme by Metric just came up on my ipod, which contains this picturesque romantic sentiment:

I wish we were farmers, I wish we knew how
To grow sweet potatoes and milk cows.
posted by scody at 5:03 PM on January 23, 2010

I'm gonna have to add "Wild Child" by the Scorpions. English is obviously not their first language (they're German-too bad they're not Czech!). Check out the last line of the chorus.

"She's a wild child (she's a wild child)
And her l-l-love turns a man insane
She's a wild child (she's a wild child)
And the love she makes rocks the mind off my brain"

You're welcome.
posted by Spyder's Game at 2:40 PM on January 27, 2010

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