What are some concrete things I can do for a friend whose child was stillborn?
January 20, 2010 8:33 PM Subscribe
My closest friend's pregnancy just ended in a stillbirth at 32 weeks. What can I do for her?
I threw a baby shower for my friend on Sunday. A few hours later, she realized that her baby had died in the womb. She had to go through the entire experience of giving birth knowing that her baby girl was dead, and she and her boyfriend both held the baby before she was taken away.
My friend is crushed. She's somewhat older than the majority of expectant mothers and this was one of her last chances at pregnancy. She's not ready to talk to anyone yet, and we've only been communicating through e-mail.
I want to help her, but I don't know how. I know not to write platitudes ("It wasn't meant to be," etc.), and I refuse to guide her towards anything spiritual or religious. She probably wouldn't appreciate a book on the subject. What are some concrete things I can do for her? I've obtained the number of the best grief therapist I could find (one who specializes in stillbirths), and I've written "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I'm here" to my friend so many times that my fingers have started typing those words in my sleep. I'd like to bring her a bunch of food, but my mother thinks that a couple living in NYC would rather call for take-out (which is probably true even if I can't imagine anyone doing anything so mundane in the midst of their grief). Another friend of ours thinks that we should offer to remove all of the baby equipment from the expectant parents' apartment for them. I'm not sure that would be appreciated; maybe packing away the baby's things is some awful-but-essential part of the healing process and even mentioning it would bring my friend unnecessary pain. I don't even know whether I'm meant to send flowers. Although there are rituals for most kinds of grief, I have no idea what to do in this situation, where there are no guides. I trust AskMe answers way more than any article I could read.
I know that there's an AskMe post about this somewhere else, but the person asking the question wasn't a close friend of the grieving couple, and a lot of the advice took that into account. What are some steps a member of the inner circle can take to make this easier??
I threw a baby shower for my friend on Sunday. A few hours later, she realized that her baby had died in the womb. She had to go through the entire experience of giving birth knowing that her baby girl was dead, and she and her boyfriend both held the baby before she was taken away.
My friend is crushed. She's somewhat older than the majority of expectant mothers and this was one of her last chances at pregnancy. She's not ready to talk to anyone yet, and we've only been communicating through e-mail.
I want to help her, but I don't know how. I know not to write platitudes ("It wasn't meant to be," etc.), and I refuse to guide her towards anything spiritual or religious. She probably wouldn't appreciate a book on the subject. What are some concrete things I can do for her? I've obtained the number of the best grief therapist I could find (one who specializes in stillbirths), and I've written "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I'm here" to my friend so many times that my fingers have started typing those words in my sleep. I'd like to bring her a bunch of food, but my mother thinks that a couple living in NYC would rather call for take-out (which is probably true even if I can't imagine anyone doing anything so mundane in the midst of their grief). Another friend of ours thinks that we should offer to remove all of the baby equipment from the expectant parents' apartment for them. I'm not sure that would be appreciated; maybe packing away the baby's things is some awful-but-essential part of the healing process and even mentioning it would bring my friend unnecessary pain. I don't even know whether I'm meant to send flowers. Although there are rituals for most kinds of grief, I have no idea what to do in this situation, where there are no guides. I trust AskMe answers way more than any article I could read.
I know that there's an AskMe post about this somewhere else, but the person asking the question wasn't a close friend of the grieving couple, and a lot of the advice took that into account. What are some steps a member of the inner circle can take to make this easier??
There was a great article in the Washington Post about this subject over the summer: Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth.
posted by alms at 8:43 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by alms at 8:43 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you should bring them food. Make her and her boyfriend their favorite comfort foods, like mac 'n cheese and brownies and chocolate chip cookies and meatloaf or whatever. They probably won't be hungry, but they have to eat and it's a kind gesture and will make you feel like you're doing something at this time when you feel helpless. They can still order out too if they want to.
I'm sure there will be better answers from people who have been through this, but comfort food is always my first thought when I feel useless and want to help in a sad situation.
posted by amro at 8:47 PM on January 20, 2010
I'm sure there will be better answers from people who have been through this, but comfort food is always my first thought when I feel useless and want to help in a sad situation.
posted by amro at 8:47 PM on January 20, 2010
I just had dinner tonight with one of my closest friends who has just received some pretty devastating health news. The thing about really close friends, I think, is that it's OK to ask what would be helpful--you don't have to figure it out on your own and hope you get it right. At some point in the dinner, we had moved on to another topic, and I said, "Wait a sec, I just want to check in that we didn't move on too soon; is there more we need to talk about?"
If your friend is reading her e-mail, you can gently suggest ideas you have for help: "Would you like me to bring some food by, or have groceries delivered?" for instance. It might be a little soon for "Would you like me to help pack up the baby's things," not because that's a horribly insensitive thing to ask, but because they just might not be there yet.
If you think your friend likes flowers, send flowers. You already know what to write on the card: "I love you. I'm sorry. I'm here."
You might ask her if it would be helpful for you to take on the job of letting people know what happened, or if they would like to be able to refer people to you for information and conversation. When some friends of mine went though something devastating, they were quickly exhausted by all the people who wanted to call and check up on them (an attempt had been made on their lives) and also express their own shock, outrage, pain, and relief. One of my jobs for awhile was answering the phone for them, telling people the latest news, and absorbing some of that emotional tide that was pouring in.
You might think of some non-triggering options for an outing when she's ready, and say, "When you're ready to get out of the house, I thought we might..."
My heart goes out to your friend.
posted by not that girl at 8:47 PM on January 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
If your friend is reading her e-mail, you can gently suggest ideas you have for help: "Would you like me to bring some food by, or have groceries delivered?" for instance. It might be a little soon for "Would you like me to help pack up the baby's things," not because that's a horribly insensitive thing to ask, but because they just might not be there yet.
If you think your friend likes flowers, send flowers. You already know what to write on the card: "I love you. I'm sorry. I'm here."
You might ask her if it would be helpful for you to take on the job of letting people know what happened, or if they would like to be able to refer people to you for information and conversation. When some friends of mine went though something devastating, they were quickly exhausted by all the people who wanted to call and check up on them (an attempt had been made on their lives) and also express their own shock, outrage, pain, and relief. One of my jobs for awhile was answering the phone for them, telling people the latest news, and absorbing some of that emotional tide that was pouring in.
You might think of some non-triggering options for an outing when she's ready, and say, "When you're ready to get out of the house, I thought we might..."
My heart goes out to your friend.
posted by not that girl at 8:47 PM on January 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
I'd send flowers and a gift card to a local takeout place. In your email communications, let her know that when she's ready (and not before - don't go over until you get the green light), you'd be happy to come over just to sit with her if she wants. While you're there, do some light housekeeping (dishes, sweeping, etc.). I'd avoid offering to help put away the baby things. If she brings it up, be willing to help, but let her take the lead on it.
I recently had a pregnancy loss and didn't want to talk with anyone about it. I couldn't bring myself to call anyone but my own mother and even that took me all day to get the courage to do so. It was several days before I was willing to see anyone at all. My husband offered to be the one to call around and let everyone know. If you think there are some people that don't know yet and you think she might want to know, offer to be the one to make the calls for her. It's been almost 4 months since my loss (which was very early on compared to your friend), and I still avoid talking about it, so please be ready for this pain to last a long while.
Condolences to you and your friends. You're awesome for trying to help in any way you can.
posted by chiababe at 8:48 PM on January 20, 2010
I recently had a pregnancy loss and didn't want to talk with anyone about it. I couldn't bring myself to call anyone but my own mother and even that took me all day to get the courage to do so. It was several days before I was willing to see anyone at all. My husband offered to be the one to call around and let everyone know. If you think there are some people that don't know yet and you think she might want to know, offer to be the one to make the calls for her. It's been almost 4 months since my loss (which was very early on compared to your friend), and I still avoid talking about it, so please be ready for this pain to last a long while.
Condolences to you and your friends. You're awesome for trying to help in any way you can.
posted by chiababe at 8:48 PM on January 20, 2010
Also, I don't think you should send flowers. I think if I received flowers in that situation I would fall apart.
posted by amro at 8:49 PM on January 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by amro at 8:49 PM on January 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
On review, I see that you're asking about steps a close friend can take. The Post article doesn't address that.
I don't have specific acts to suggest. But I'd think of this as the death of a child, which is really what it is. What if your friend had a two year old, or twelve year old child who died? How would you act and what would you do to support them?
My thoughts are with you and your friends. It's an unimaginably hard thing they are going through.
posted by alms at 8:50 PM on January 20, 2010
I don't have specific acts to suggest. But I'd think of this as the death of a child, which is really what it is. What if your friend had a two year old, or twelve year old child who died? How would you act and what would you do to support them?
My thoughts are with you and your friends. It's an unimaginably hard thing they are going through.
posted by alms at 8:50 PM on January 20, 2010
Also, I don't think you should send flowers. I think if I received flowers in that situation I would fall apart.
I dunno, I imagine they're already falling apart, and sending flowers is customary in our society as a token of condolence after the death of a loved one. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to do.
posted by chiababe at 8:55 PM on January 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
I dunno, I imagine they're already falling apart, and sending flowers is customary in our society as a token of condolence after the death of a loved one. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to do.
posted by chiababe at 8:55 PM on January 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine lost her baby during the 3rd trimester. The pregnancy was rough and she was hospitalized for a lot of it, but it was still really rough on her. One thing that was extremely helpful for her was to see a grief counselor. The counselor was able to guide her through the grieving process, and also give her an idea of what to expect during the grieving process.
My friend's family had a small private funeral for the baby. If your friend wants to do this, perhaps offer to assist with planning or any other arrangements. I'll see if ColdChef, Mefi's resident undertaker, has any thoughts.
Definitely get her gift cards to places that deliver or have easy carry-out.
In terms of the baby items, why don't you ask if you can take care of that for them? I would imagine that it would be incredibly painful for them to do.
Some people have this misconception that if your baby dies at birth or in utero, that you're supposed to get over it really quickly and just go back to normal. I think this view is fortunately becoming less popular, but it's still out there. I have a coworker who got in a car accident in her 3rd trimester and lost the baby (in the 1970's) and nobody talked about it. It was like this taboo subject. Fortunately there is a lot more understanding now about the grieving process and acceptance of loss.
The best thing you can do is to remember that she will be grieving for a long time, and that babies are going to be a touchy subject for a while. Let her guide the conversations. Tell her that you know she is grieving and that you support her in her grief and that whatever she feels is okay.
posted by radioamy at 8:55 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
My friend's family had a small private funeral for the baby. If your friend wants to do this, perhaps offer to assist with planning or any other arrangements. I'll see if ColdChef, Mefi's resident undertaker, has any thoughts.
Definitely get her gift cards to places that deliver or have easy carry-out.
In terms of the baby items, why don't you ask if you can take care of that for them? I would imagine that it would be incredibly painful for them to do.
Some people have this misconception that if your baby dies at birth or in utero, that you're supposed to get over it really quickly and just go back to normal. I think this view is fortunately becoming less popular, but it's still out there. I have a coworker who got in a car accident in her 3rd trimester and lost the baby (in the 1970's) and nobody talked about it. It was like this taboo subject. Fortunately there is a lot more understanding now about the grieving process and acceptance of loss.
The best thing you can do is to remember that she will be grieving for a long time, and that babies are going to be a touchy subject for a while. Let her guide the conversations. Tell her that you know she is grieving and that you support her in her grief and that whatever she feels is okay.
posted by radioamy at 8:55 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry if that comment was totally incoherant by the way...I am a little loopy from Darvocet but I felt compelled to answer. You sound like a good friend and your friend is lucky to have you.
posted by radioamy at 8:56 PM on January 20, 2010
posted by radioamy at 8:56 PM on January 20, 2010
One of my babies died at birth. Things that helped: soemone else doing chores (hire a maid if you are out of town), distraction (books & dvds that don't have children dying - romcoms or a tv series are a good idea), offering to contact people/do paperwork.
Thanks for being so kind to your friend. She will be more grateful than you can ever imagine.
posted by saucysault at 9:03 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Thanks for being so kind to your friend. She will be more grateful than you can ever imagine.
posted by saucysault at 9:03 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
This article has links to many organizations and support groups for stillbirth. It's West Coast-centric, but there may be chapters of those organizations in the NY area as well.
Also, there's a blog called glow in the woods, run by people who have lost children to stillbirth or in early infancy.
posted by mogget at 9:04 PM on January 20, 2010
Also, there's a blog called glow in the woods, run by people who have lost children to stillbirth or in early infancy.
posted by mogget at 9:04 PM on January 20, 2010
When my cousin's child died, also before birth, distance was appreciated for a time, even with close friends and family.
All you can do is offer your unwaivering love and support at this point, and perhaps educate yourself a wee bit for later when she's ready to talk about it.
I have prayed for both of you.
posted by littleflowers at 9:05 PM on January 20, 2010
All you can do is offer your unwaivering love and support at this point, and perhaps educate yourself a wee bit for later when she's ready to talk about it.
I have prayed for both of you.
posted by littleflowers at 9:05 PM on January 20, 2010
It sounds like you're being very sensitive and sensible. I agree with the suggestion that bringing them food is probably worth doing, as people tend to forget to eat in these situations and ordering take-out could seem too difficult. At the very least it wouldn't hurt, unless they are really overwhelmed with food deliveries already.
I also like the idea of offering to tell other people. There's nothing quite like having to tell people about a pregnancy loss and it must be much more difficult with stillbirth. Other people's reactions can be hugely upsetting in themselves, as often people just don't know what to say, and end up unintentionally saying the sorts of distressing things that you have wisely avoided. So perhaps you can shield your friend from that, maybe giving other people a bit of guidance.
It's also worth remembering that there will be a lot of specific difficult times for them - getting autopsy results, the due date, mothers/fathers day, etc. Lasty, both you and your friend may find the Altdotlife community helpful.
posted by 8k at 9:10 PM on January 20, 2010
I also like the idea of offering to tell other people. There's nothing quite like having to tell people about a pregnancy loss and it must be much more difficult with stillbirth. Other people's reactions can be hugely upsetting in themselves, as often people just don't know what to say, and end up unintentionally saying the sorts of distressing things that you have wisely avoided. So perhaps you can shield your friend from that, maybe giving other people a bit of guidance.
It's also worth remembering that there will be a lot of specific difficult times for them - getting autopsy results, the due date, mothers/fathers day, etc. Lasty, both you and your friend may find the Altdotlife community helpful.
posted by 8k at 9:10 PM on January 20, 2010
I know someone who was in the exact same situation (older mom to be, stillborn at nearly full term). Bringing food is a good idea, offering to help with household things (dishes, laundry, etc). Another possibility if your friend doesn't want to see anyone yet is a giftcard to a grocery delivery service like FreshDirect(if they deliver to your friend's zipcode) or a similar service (PeaPod, etc). Thirding (I think) the advice to not bring up putting the baby things away unless she wants that. This will probably take a long time and it won't ever disappear. Simply be there, as you've said "I love you", "I'm here", those may sound so simple and clumsy, especially after you repeat them so much and sit there feeling helpless.
But those are really powerful statements. The couple just has a tough, slow road ahead, but your friend is listening and does appreciate it. Be easy on yourself.
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:25 PM on January 20, 2010
But those are really powerful statements. The couple just has a tough, slow road ahead, but your friend is listening and does appreciate it. Be easy on yourself.
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:25 PM on January 20, 2010
I've worked with a lot of families who have been in this same situation. It's truly heartbreaking and every one has its own set of circumstances that make it like no other.
The advice above is good. You know your friend best. Though this experience will change her, she is still the same person. My best advice is to not treat her as if she's made out of eggshells. Be direct, don't try to guess at her moods and feelings. There's nothing wrong with asking how she's really feeling. Open up to her, even if she doesn't want to open up to you. Don't tell her how you'd feel if you were in her situation--tell her how you feel as her friend...even if all you feel is useless in the face of her grief.
Tell her that you'll always be there for her and keep the lines of communication open. Yes, sometimes people need space, but never assume. Ask directly: "Do you want me to come over there or would you rather be alone?" Help her take care of her menial tasks.
Be ready for her to get mad and lash out at you. It's part of the process. Don't take it personally. But let her know if she hurts your feelings. Two-way communications. Always.
When my wife suffered two miscarriages, I was worried about giving her flowers (it seemed too funereal), but I know how much she loves flowers. So I just got a dozen white roses and put them on the table, without saying anything about them or making a ceremony of it. We never spoke of them, but I know that she dried the roses out and kept them, so I like to think that they brought her comfort.
Talk, talk, talk. Share with her and let her share with you. That's what will get her through this.
posted by ColdChef at 9:28 PM on January 20, 2010 [8 favorites]
The advice above is good. You know your friend best. Though this experience will change her, she is still the same person. My best advice is to not treat her as if she's made out of eggshells. Be direct, don't try to guess at her moods and feelings. There's nothing wrong with asking how she's really feeling. Open up to her, even if she doesn't want to open up to you. Don't tell her how you'd feel if you were in her situation--tell her how you feel as her friend...even if all you feel is useless in the face of her grief.
Tell her that you'll always be there for her and keep the lines of communication open. Yes, sometimes people need space, but never assume. Ask directly: "Do you want me to come over there or would you rather be alone?" Help her take care of her menial tasks.
Be ready for her to get mad and lash out at you. It's part of the process. Don't take it personally. But let her know if she hurts your feelings. Two-way communications. Always.
When my wife suffered two miscarriages, I was worried about giving her flowers (it seemed too funereal), but I know how much she loves flowers. So I just got a dozen white roses and put them on the table, without saying anything about them or making a ceremony of it. We never spoke of them, but I know that she dried the roses out and kept them, so I like to think that they brought her comfort.
Talk, talk, talk. Share with her and let her share with you. That's what will get her through this.
posted by ColdChef at 9:28 PM on January 20, 2010 [8 favorites]
Just bring food. Don't ask mom what she needs you to do, she can't think straight right now. If she is up for company, go over and clean or bake cookies.
Don't worry too much about this period, it is after the first wave of mourners have peeled off that the true friends shine through. Your role is very important one month and six months from now. Bring food over one month from now, they'll still need it. You can also do things with mom that are great for women that are postpartum - hair cut, facial, pedicure, shop for new clothes that fit, etc. Invite them to dinner, and present other low-key social invitations to rejoin the world of the living.
When you talk about baby, call baby by name. Make sure that when you talk you make sure baby is referred to as a person and not an abstract thing. Seconding call on baby's due date, mother's day to tell mom you are thinking about her and baby. You're a good friend, sending healing wishes to your friend and her family.
posted by crazycanuck at 10:21 PM on January 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't worry too much about this period, it is after the first wave of mourners have peeled off that the true friends shine through. Your role is very important one month and six months from now. Bring food over one month from now, they'll still need it. You can also do things with mom that are great for women that are postpartum - hair cut, facial, pedicure, shop for new clothes that fit, etc. Invite them to dinner, and present other low-key social invitations to rejoin the world of the living.
When you talk about baby, call baby by name. Make sure that when you talk you make sure baby is referred to as a person and not an abstract thing. Seconding call on baby's due date, mother's day to tell mom you are thinking about her and baby. You're a good friend, sending healing wishes to your friend and her family.
posted by crazycanuck at 10:21 PM on January 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just a minor point--the advice above all seems very solid.
You say you refuse to guide her towards anything spiritual or religious. Of course you shouldn't preach to her or involve her in anything spiritual or religious that she doesn't want. That said, if she is a spiritual or religious person, it could help her a lot. Grieving people, even if they're fairly secular, often gravitate towards religion and spirituality. Don't be surprised if your friend, even if she's not outwardly religious, may be looking for a priest/minister/rabbi/someone spiritual to lean on.
I may be misreading, but if your refusal to do so stems from your beliefs, well, it isn't about you. If she signals that she may be seeking some spiritual or religious guidance, by all means help her get that.
posted by j1950 at 11:09 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
You say you refuse to guide her towards anything spiritual or religious. Of course you shouldn't preach to her or involve her in anything spiritual or religious that she doesn't want. That said, if she is a spiritual or religious person, it could help her a lot. Grieving people, even if they're fairly secular, often gravitate towards religion and spirituality. Don't be surprised if your friend, even if she's not outwardly religious, may be looking for a priest/minister/rabbi/someone spiritual to lean on.
I may be misreading, but if your refusal to do so stems from your beliefs, well, it isn't about you. If she signals that she may be seeking some spiritual or religious guidance, by all means help her get that.
posted by j1950 at 11:09 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your role is very important one month and six months from now.
As a parent who lost a 9 month old child last year, I can't echo and reiterate this statement enough. Right now, everyone is supporting her. If her friends and family are anything like mine, most will move on long before she does. Most will, subtly and without intending to do it, make it clear that she is meant to stop bringing them down by talking about or visibly grieving about her tragedy. Those of my friends and family who did not move on, and who let me talk about my daughter until my face turns blue, and tell me when they have been thinking about her....suffice to say, it means a lot. Most do so sometimes - on holidays when they are really confronting it - but some do so constantly. In a way that is kind and gentle and loving.
Don't pressure her to put away baby things, but do offer to help. I haven't really touched much of anything of my daughter's things, many grief counselors say wait a year to do that. You might get her in touch with Compassionate Friends, if support groups would be helpful to her. I haven't been to any, but I have done grief counseling.
I get what you are saying on the not guiding toward spiritual stuff issue. I am not all that religious, and I appreciate the loving intent when people would say they were praying, but after awhile...it sounded like a cop out. No different than the platitudes. That is not meant to sound callous or unkind, because I know many deeply religious people prayed their hearts out for us.
While this might not be an issue and I certainly don't suggest you plant worries in your friend's ear, if the issue arises please remind the parents that the old saying that a majority of marriages break up after loss of a child is a myth. Fewer bereaved parents divorce than the general population.
Everyone is different. And in some ways, loss of a child before birth is very different than loss of a baby (I have memories of my daughter, for solace, as one small example). In other ways, it is very similar. But, more importantly, everyone is different. Here are some of the things I found comforting or not:
-Flowers were not comforting. They died. Like my child died. Reminding me that my child died. Again, I appreciated the kindness and loving intent of those who sent them, but having to throw out all those flowers the week after my daughter's funeral was hell.
-Food was awesome. Especially the romantic Valentine's Day dinner at home a friend arranged for us, 3 days before Vivi died.
-Visits, particularly visits containing or resulting in distraction, were fantastic. Right now, don't worry about the whole denial/avoidance thing. Coping with shock requires a not-easy-to-come-by break from thinking about it. I can only imagine this is harder to achieve with the physical changes resulting from the end of a pregnancy. Comfort, distraction.
-Cleaning is awesome.
-Open ended "Please call me if I can do anything to help" is not all that helpful. In the first couple of weeks, all I could think in response to that was "The only thing that would help is my child being alive. Can you do that? No? Leave me alone."
-This is speculative, but for me, videos and pictures of my child really give me solace. Can you come up with some good memory tokens and reminders? I can suggest Rory's Garden, where they will create a remembrance image of the child's name on a flower. I found that very strong, meaningful. They have reopened the request list again.
posted by bunnycup at 12:33 AM on January 21, 2010 [12 favorites]
As a parent who lost a 9 month old child last year, I can't echo and reiterate this statement enough. Right now, everyone is supporting her. If her friends and family are anything like mine, most will move on long before she does. Most will, subtly and without intending to do it, make it clear that she is meant to stop bringing them down by talking about or visibly grieving about her tragedy. Those of my friends and family who did not move on, and who let me talk about my daughter until my face turns blue, and tell me when they have been thinking about her....suffice to say, it means a lot. Most do so sometimes - on holidays when they are really confronting it - but some do so constantly. In a way that is kind and gentle and loving.
Don't pressure her to put away baby things, but do offer to help. I haven't really touched much of anything of my daughter's things, many grief counselors say wait a year to do that. You might get her in touch with Compassionate Friends, if support groups would be helpful to her. I haven't been to any, but I have done grief counseling.
I get what you are saying on the not guiding toward spiritual stuff issue. I am not all that religious, and I appreciate the loving intent when people would say they were praying, but after awhile...it sounded like a cop out. No different than the platitudes. That is not meant to sound callous or unkind, because I know many deeply religious people prayed their hearts out for us.
While this might not be an issue and I certainly don't suggest you plant worries in your friend's ear, if the issue arises please remind the parents that the old saying that a majority of marriages break up after loss of a child is a myth. Fewer bereaved parents divorce than the general population.
Everyone is different. And in some ways, loss of a child before birth is very different than loss of a baby (I have memories of my daughter, for solace, as one small example). In other ways, it is very similar. But, more importantly, everyone is different. Here are some of the things I found comforting or not:
-Flowers were not comforting. They died. Like my child died. Reminding me that my child died. Again, I appreciated the kindness and loving intent of those who sent them, but having to throw out all those flowers the week after my daughter's funeral was hell.
-Food was awesome. Especially the romantic Valentine's Day dinner at home a friend arranged for us, 3 days before Vivi died.
-Visits, particularly visits containing or resulting in distraction, were fantastic. Right now, don't worry about the whole denial/avoidance thing. Coping with shock requires a not-easy-to-come-by break from thinking about it. I can only imagine this is harder to achieve with the physical changes resulting from the end of a pregnancy. Comfort, distraction.
-Cleaning is awesome.
-Open ended "Please call me if I can do anything to help" is not all that helpful. In the first couple of weeks, all I could think in response to that was "The only thing that would help is my child being alive. Can you do that? No? Leave me alone."
-This is speculative, but for me, videos and pictures of my child really give me solace. Can you come up with some good memory tokens and reminders? I can suggest Rory's Garden, where they will create a remembrance image of the child's name on a flower. I found that very strong, meaningful. They have reopened the request list again.
posted by bunnycup at 12:33 AM on January 21, 2010 [12 favorites]
"Although there are rituals for most kinds of grief, I have no idea what to do in this situation, where there are no guides."
I had a friend who went through the same thing, also at around 32 weeks. She and her partner held a funeral (attended by friends and family) and that seemed to help them.
At 32 weeks it's almost the same as a born baby, so unless the parents object, I would treat it the same as you would have if their baby was born and then died shortly after birth. I'm sure the baby was already a "real person" to them -- she would have been kicking and moving around for a while, and they'd probably already named her, talked to her, etc.
I think bringing prepared, ready-to-heat-and-eat food is appropriate in almost all grieving situations.
Longer term, keep an eye on your friend for symptoms of postpartum depression. If she gets that on top of the grief of losing her child, she may need medication to avoid a downward spiral.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:24 AM on January 21, 2010
I had a friend who went through the same thing, also at around 32 weeks. She and her partner held a funeral (attended by friends and family) and that seemed to help them.
At 32 weeks it's almost the same as a born baby, so unless the parents object, I would treat it the same as you would have if their baby was born and then died shortly after birth. I'm sure the baby was already a "real person" to them -- she would have been kicking and moving around for a while, and they'd probably already named her, talked to her, etc.
I think bringing prepared, ready-to-heat-and-eat food is appropriate in almost all grieving situations.
Longer term, keep an eye on your friend for symptoms of postpartum depression. If she gets that on top of the grief of losing her child, she may need medication to avoid a downward spiral.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:24 AM on January 21, 2010
Re: gift card for take out: seamlessweb gift certificate.
posted by melissasaurus at 3:56 AM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by melissasaurus at 3:56 AM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wanted to pop in and add one thing I forgot to mention at 3:33am, which is that when my daughter was born I had an emergency hysterectomy. So even before she was diagnosed with cancer, I was mourning the fact that I would not be able to have another pregnancy. When Vivienne ultimately died, that sadness was reiterated. There was grief associated with knowing I wouldn't have the chance to be pregnant again, so if it is so that this may have been her last chance at pregnancy please also remember that that alone is a very sad thing. For me, sometimes the sight of other young children, the news that a friend is pregnant, the showing off of ultrasound pictures on Facebook, etc. are intolerably painful, and often burn me with anger and resentment. Please be sure to give her room to grieve not just for her daughter, but for the loss of a part of life that women are generally expected to achieve and often take for granted.
posted by bunnycup at 5:44 AM on January 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by bunnycup at 5:44 AM on January 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
Get her a package to a day spa, and go with her, not now, but in a while. I was given that gift when I had a miscarriage. A friend took me a few months later, and I cried through the entire massage, but the masseuse was great about it. Apparently it isn't that unusual. It was good to spend time with my friend, who didn't make me talk about anything, and good to be forced to relax.
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:03 AM on January 21, 2010
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:03 AM on January 21, 2010
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.
When my eight month old died the following things were really helpful:
In general try to be available as much as you can for them, take walks, go to museums, bars, on hikes, whatever you'd normally do. Don't necessarily focus on their loss when visiting, but give them the space to do so if they want.
posted by togdon at 8:26 AM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
When my eight month old died the following things were really helpful:
- One friend figured out how to stop the catalogs from Babies R Us and the like. Getting one in the mail would have been awful.
- Someone helped with funeral arrangements, there's absolutely no way that we could have done that on our own.
- Lots of food arrived without any prompting. At the time I was sort of annoyed that people would call and say "I'm bringing something by in an hour," but I now realize that there's no way I would have eaten for the first few weeks. It was also great to just get a hug because every meal came with a great free hug.
- We had lots of offers to help put away the baby things. In the end it was really important for us to do it on our own. I'm two years removed from her death and just thinking about it now is making me tear up again, and before she died I never, ever, cried. For us that was one of the hardest things.
- She died in September which meant that we were just heading in to the holiday season. Be there for them around any holiday and offer to do distracting things, non-holiday stuff. Two dear friends ditched their Christmas plans that year and went with us to Vegas, totally out of character for all involved and a huge relief to be in a non-Christmasy situation.
In general try to be available as much as you can for them, take walks, go to museums, bars, on hikes, whatever you'd normally do. Don't necessarily focus on their loss when visiting, but give them the space to do so if they want.
posted by togdon at 8:26 AM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'll add my voice to those asking you to keep the future in mind -- I've got a friend who lost their baby at childbirth about 15 months ago, and there are still times when he wants to talk about what happened in great detail. It's not uncommon for us to go out to breakfast and spend an hour and a half discussing that morning. He's got lots of friends and family, I'm hardly his "best friend", so at first I was surprised that I had in some ways become his confidant (or at least one of them), until I realized that, as someone said upthread, a lot of people give off the "isn't it time we moved on and stopped talking about this" vibe after a couple of months.
posted by the bricabrac man at 9:47 AM on January 21, 2010
posted by the bricabrac man at 9:47 AM on January 21, 2010
First , I think it would be great to call and say that you've made some mac&cheese or lasagna and would like to know a good time to drop it off. Make it clear that you don't need to visit, you just want to drop it off. Grieving kind of screws up your appetite and makes you hungry at odd times, so it's nice to have prepared comfort food available. Plus, I find most take-out to be greasy and likely to induce the runs.
Whenever she's feeling the need to talk, listen and give sympathy but obviously, NEVER try to comfort her by saying that God works in mysterious ways or that this was easier than losing the child in infancy or later.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2010
Whenever she's feeling the need to talk, listen and give sympathy but obviously, NEVER try to comfort her by saying that God works in mysterious ways or that this was easier than losing the child in infancy or later.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2010
I have a close friend who delivered her stillborn at 26 weeks. They also were able to hold the baby before hand. I can't fathom that kind of devastation.
They didn't want to talk to anyone after it happened, but I called and left a message every day or two for about a month. Sometimes I would just chat to myself on their machine, or else I'd just say I was still thinking about them. I knew they'd pick up or call back when they were ready, but I wanted them to know that I cared enough to set aside time.
They later told me that aside from her mother, I was the *only* person who called after the delivery. Everyone else was too scared or didn't know what to say. She said she was heartbroken that her friends didn't have the courage to call.
No matter what else you do, don't be afraid to call. They may not want to talk and they may not answer for a while, but it makes a huge difference to know that you're still there for them.
posted by Lullen at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
They didn't want to talk to anyone after it happened, but I called and left a message every day or two for about a month. Sometimes I would just chat to myself on their machine, or else I'd just say I was still thinking about them. I knew they'd pick up or call back when they were ready, but I wanted them to know that I cared enough to set aside time.
They later told me that aside from her mother, I was the *only* person who called after the delivery. Everyone else was too scared or didn't know what to say. She said she was heartbroken that her friends didn't have the courage to call.
No matter what else you do, don't be afraid to call. They may not want to talk and they may not answer for a while, but it makes a huge difference to know that you're still there for them.
posted by Lullen at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
One thing I've heard quite a bit from mothers who have lost babies is that they really appreciate it when people speak their babies' names and speak of therm as people. I know this seems like it should be fairly obvious, but some people struggle with this. It seems also important to include this baby when speaking of the number of children they have. If she does have another child soon, she has two children, not one.
I recently sent an online friend a message telling her I was thinking of her and her daughter as she came on six months of her daughter's birth and death. I told her what I remembered about that day, reading her post, both the joy and the devastation she experienced. She wrote me back a few days later saying just when she thought people had forgotten, she saw my message. It was short and little, but it mattered. I imagine it will matter still at a year and two years and so on. So don't be afraid to reach out at any point about this. And don't be afraid in time to tell her your memories of her pregnancy, etc. This was her daughter's life after all.
I've been reading a few blogs that discuss this, and the stories are both heartbreaking and also full of hope. I'd be happy to send you links if you think in time she may wish to connect with other mothers who have gone through this.
In the meantime, To Write Their Names in The Sand is a very beautiful tribute site that she may want to think about in the future. It's completely free and done by a family who experienced a similar loss. So many parents seem to take a measure of peace in this.
posted by zizzle at 12:08 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I recently sent an online friend a message telling her I was thinking of her and her daughter as she came on six months of her daughter's birth and death. I told her what I remembered about that day, reading her post, both the joy and the devastation she experienced. She wrote me back a few days later saying just when she thought people had forgotten, she saw my message. It was short and little, but it mattered. I imagine it will matter still at a year and two years and so on. So don't be afraid to reach out at any point about this. And don't be afraid in time to tell her your memories of her pregnancy, etc. This was her daughter's life after all.
I've been reading a few blogs that discuss this, and the stories are both heartbreaking and also full of hope. I'd be happy to send you links if you think in time she may wish to connect with other mothers who have gone through this.
In the meantime, To Write Their Names in The Sand is a very beautiful tribute site that she may want to think about in the future. It's completely free and done by a family who experienced a similar loss. So many parents seem to take a measure of peace in this.
posted by zizzle at 12:08 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
bunnycup and others mentioned how difficult it is to have constant reminders of babies. When my friend was pregnant, several of her other friends were pregnant at the same time, so every time those children hit a milestone it is another reminder of her loss (and hysterectomy). Just be aware of that. If there is any way to stop the onslaught of catalogs and offers that usually arrive at new parent's doorsteps, please do!
My friend also said that it was better for people to mention her loss than skirt the issue, and I think this is true for any grief situation. Just acknowledging the loss will make her more comfortable.
posted by radioamy at 12:26 PM on January 21, 2010
My friend also said that it was better for people to mention her loss than skirt the issue, and I think this is true for any grief situation. Just acknowledging the loss will make her more comfortable.
posted by radioamy at 12:26 PM on January 21, 2010
I've tried to respond to this a number of times but keep deleting my answer to the question. My wife and I've have gone through a number of really bad pregnancies and losses, one very similar to your friends. The one thing I have to say is that everyone is different in how they respond and deal with the events.
As a friend you want to make it better but you can't. The whole thing is awful, heartbreaking and cruel. There is nothing anyone can do to change what has happened. In the face of this much of the comfort that people will offerer will seem like people don't understand at all what has happened.
One of the answers mentioned using the babies name or sending an email to remember, while that may be OK in that situation I can only say that would not be a good thing for us. Honestly reading that particular answer made me angry, not that it's universally wrong but as noted everyone is different.
This is an extreme situation that is way more common than people would like to know. You're not supposed to know what to do or say as a friend and thats ok. You can tell your friend that you don't know what to do or say.
Acknowledge the loss and be there if your friend wants but be prepared to give them space as well. Offer to do what ever they need day night anytime but don't try and make the situation better unless they give you an idea how to do so.
Getting back to a normal life after isn't going to be easy either most likely this period will be where you can be the most help. I don't know what your friends work situation is like but I know that returning to work for my wife was very difficult and it was many months before she was in a place to even consider it. Be there for her then as well.
One thing that someone did that stands out in my mind. A friends gave my wife a small gift to offer her strength when she needed it. It was a very simple thing but had great meaning and was absolutely from the heart. Maybe not your friends style but everyone is different, you are her friend just follow your heart.
posted by jade east at 4:52 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
As a friend you want to make it better but you can't. The whole thing is awful, heartbreaking and cruel. There is nothing anyone can do to change what has happened. In the face of this much of the comfort that people will offerer will seem like people don't understand at all what has happened.
One of the answers mentioned using the babies name or sending an email to remember, while that may be OK in that situation I can only say that would not be a good thing for us. Honestly reading that particular answer made me angry, not that it's universally wrong but as noted everyone is different.
This is an extreme situation that is way more common than people would like to know. You're not supposed to know what to do or say as a friend and thats ok. You can tell your friend that you don't know what to do or say.
Acknowledge the loss and be there if your friend wants but be prepared to give them space as well. Offer to do what ever they need day night anytime but don't try and make the situation better unless they give you an idea how to do so.
Getting back to a normal life after isn't going to be easy either most likely this period will be where you can be the most help. I don't know what your friends work situation is like but I know that returning to work for my wife was very difficult and it was many months before she was in a place to even consider it. Be there for her then as well.
One thing that someone did that stands out in my mind. A friends gave my wife a small gift to offer her strength when she needed it. It was a very simple thing but had great meaning and was absolutely from the heart. Maybe not your friends style but everyone is different, you are her friend just follow your heart.
posted by jade east at 4:52 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't necessarily recommend showing these to your friend, but reading the stories of women who have suffered the loss of an infant may be illuminating for you.
third trimester stillbirth subtext: don't put the mother into a situation where she needs to comfort you
third trimester stillbirth a birth story from Mothering
neonatal loss of premature twins not much content, but she has a lot of links to other mothers
third trimester stillbirth be aware she has photos of her daughter
third trimester stillbirth a daddy this time, talking about friends remembering
neonatal loss compelling writer
supporting the bereaved collected from bereaved parents at NILMDTS
what not to say forum messages
how to help a friend through baby loss this site, A Glow In The Woods, recommended above, will probably be the most helpful to you.
There are many other sites that probably won't be as helpful with your specific question (lots of angel rainbow butterfly talk, glitter death timers, flapping angel gifs, those so engaged with the "angel/babylost" community that they name their chemical pregnancies, letters to the dead, those who find their answers at church).
posted by Sallyfur at 1:02 AM on January 22, 2010
third trimester stillbirth subtext: don't put the mother into a situation where she needs to comfort you
third trimester stillbirth a birth story from Mothering
neonatal loss of premature twins not much content, but she has a lot of links to other mothers
third trimester stillbirth be aware she has photos of her daughter
third trimester stillbirth a daddy this time, talking about friends remembering
neonatal loss compelling writer
supporting the bereaved collected from bereaved parents at NILMDTS
what not to say forum messages
how to help a friend through baby loss this site, A Glow In The Woods, recommended above, will probably be the most helpful to you.
There are many other sites that probably won't be as helpful with your specific question (lots of angel rainbow butterfly talk, glitter death timers, flapping angel gifs, those so engaged with the "angel/babylost" community that they name their chemical pregnancies, letters to the dead, those who find their answers at church).
posted by Sallyfur at 1:02 AM on January 22, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Find a place that delivers, and give them a gift card; it'll accomplish the same thing.
Beyond that, particularly as your friend isn't ready to see people yet, I'd just let her know, again, that you're there and willing to do anything--absolutely anything--that she needs. Don't be surprised if some space is something she needs most of all, though.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:38 PM on January 20, 2010 [2 favorites]