It's not her, it's me!
January 14, 2010 10:57 AM   Subscribe

How do I reassure my girlfriend regarding my inability to ejaculate?

Unfortunately, whether due to the cipralex I take (20 mg), or the years of ignorantly aggressive masturbation, I just cannot ejaculate when I am with my girlfriend. She can make me come by using her hand, but otherwise it just doesn't happen.

Oddly, sometimes I feel like I have came, but physical reality disagrees :).

The problem though is not my inability to produce ejaculate, it's that my girlfriend, whom I love very much, feels, in her words "useless" and "not able to please" me, despite my protestations otherwise. I love spending time with her, and I love our sex life.

Essentially what I'm asking is, is there something I can do (other than stop taking the ads), to make me come?

Or is there something I can do to reassure my girlfriend that I don't care whether I do or not, and that I am not going to leave her over something so silly?
posted by Thirsty_Mouse to Human Relations (12 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

or the years of ignorantly aggressive masturbation

It's not that, or this would be a very common problem.

Is it possible that, although she may not be saying it, she is concerned with whether you will be able to have children with her someday?
posted by amro at 11:02 AM on January 14, 2010

Well, for starters, you can attempt to gradually increase your sensitivity by lightening your grip while you jerk it and going slower.

In terms of your gf, sit her down and make sure she has a clear understanding of the distinction between an orgasm and ejaculating. A guy is indeed able to do the former without the latter, particularly if they have ejaculated several times already that day.

Once she is crystal clear on that, explain to her the benefits of it, namely no mess for her, no bad taste if you cum while she's giving you head, no risk of damaging her sexy expensive clothes when you're doing it while still dressed, etc.

Many girls would be thrilled to have someone with your situation as long as you were in fact having an orgasm. If you are not having an orgasm most of the time, then just explain it to her that certain things turn your body on more than others and it is no fault of hers that you are wired like that. It's just biology!
posted by Elminster24 at 11:03 AM on January 14, 2010

Print out some pages from the internet that explain what SSRIs do to sexual function. It really, really is not about her.
posted by something something at 11:09 AM on January 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

Have you tried abstaining from masturbation? You can also check out the book by Bernie Zilbergeld, "The New Male Sexuality" which has a bunch of exercises that may help.
posted by numbskeleton at 11:25 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

This may not be about you. She has sexual needs too, ya know!

She may get off on giving you an orgasm or getting you to ejaculate, and your inability to perform that function for her might be a moodkiller and prevent her from being into you/your sex life. She may be feeling unfulfilled - and I would very much be willing to bet that's what's going on based on her commentary.

She may not be worried that you'll leave her. She may be worried that she'll leave you. She may not even be able to put her finger on the problem, either. Often, we don't think too deeply about why sexual chemistry works for us with some people - what itch they are scratching, exactly.

It is absolutely fair of her to be turned on by her boyfriend coming inside her, coming on her face, wearing a clown suit, whatever it is that makes her happy. It's not fair of her to demand that of you. But first you have to get to the point where you understand what its going to take to make her feel sexually fulfilled. And then you have to figure out if you can give it to her. Maybe you can, maybe you can't.
posted by greekphilosophy at 11:27 AM on January 14, 2010 [5 favorites]

It's not that, or this would be a very common problem.

Is it possible that, although she may not be saying it, she is concerned with whether you will be able to have children with her someday?

Yeah, this is usually a psychological problem, although it may be related to the medication. Everybody repeat after me: Dan Savage is a writer, not a medical doctor.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:39 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

this thread might help. it's from the point of view of the girl in your situation.

as that thread brings up, you might want to search "retrograde ejaculation" and "ejaculation impotence". as i, and others, bring up in that thread - ejaculation is not an orgasm and an orgasm is not ejaculation. just because they usually go hand in hand doesn't mean they have to.

something else to keep in mind, and you decide how you want to/if you want to communicate it to her - most of us have gotten to the point where we understand that a woman might not orgasm during sex and that's just a-ok. for some reason, a lot of people seem to not being able to make that same leap for guys. it's drilled into our heads that guys are always ready for sex (not true), that guys can always get hard (not true), and that guys can always cum if they've gotten hard (not true). her putting added pressure on you about it isn't going to make you any more likely to shoot off, in fact, it'll do just the opposite.

and finally, this really could be about the meds. you might want to talk to your doctor if this is a problem you want fixed. there might be something he could suggest. i promise you won't be the first guy to bring it up.
posted by nadawi at 11:51 AM on January 14, 2010

You may want to discuss this with your doctor that prescribed you cipralex. What you described is a common side effect. Your doctor may be able to switch you to bupropion or at least add buproprion (smaller dose) to what you are already taking and it can help with the sexual side effects.
Read more here...
posted by jmmpangaea at 12:25 PM on January 14, 2010

I have the same issue with my boyfriend and his meds, although I never freaked out about it. A lot of girls have sex that is almost entirely focused on the endgame: getting the guy off. Once I was able to refocus, realizing the endgame is about having FUN with my partner, not just orgasms, everything got a lot better. The fact that he actually stays hard till I'm ready to orgasm is not so bad either.
posted by herbaliser at 12:35 PM on January 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

Are you circumcised? I am and have been told that in comparison to uncut men I take forever to get there (and indeed sometimes I don't)
posted by A189Nut at 4:12 PM on January 14, 2010

One thing that might be helpful is if you are (or at least appear) happy to stop once she has "finished," and don't struggle to carry on for hours in an unsuccessful attempt to ejaculate. I don't know if you do this already, but that can certainly up the pressure, and the frustration.
posted by Pomo at 5:39 PM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm on an a SSRI as well, and I agree with Pomo's comment. Aside from that, stop masturbating (if you are), and make sure she understands the side effect of the medication you are on. Wikipedia has a pretty good article. Everything will be fine once everyone is on the same page.
posted by BeaverTerror at 10:54 PM on January 21, 2010

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