He-Man Woman Haters Club for Men

January 14, 2010 8:13 AM

I am looking for some good “Man” questions to ask my close friends.

A group of 5 or 6 of my good friends all live in different places, and as such, we do not get to see each other as a group much anymore. This 3 day weekend allows us to reconnect and catch up. Last year, my lady and I started a tradition for the women and men in the cabin. The ladies get in the hot tub and drink champagne and discuss lady / womanly topics (whatever those may be). While the men go outside, smoke cigars, build fire, drink bourbon, and quite frankly, talk about man shit.

I lead the conversation with topics for discussion. For example, last year I asked the following questions and expected a story from each of the other men;

1. When did your father realize you were a man?
2. What is the manliest thing you think you have ever done?
3. What happened in your first fight?
4. When did you realize you were a legs, butt or boobs guy?
5. What is your greatest sports moment?
6. How have you beat adversity?
7. What was the most physically painful / challenging experience for you?

But this year, I am short of new thought provoking “man” questions. I am not looking for absurd questions like “so you have superpowers…” or questions a first date may ask.

So hive mind, what is a “Man” question you would ask?

posted by thetenthstory to Human Relations (31 answers total)

How have you enjoyed male privilege?
posted by box at 8:18 AM on January 14, 2010 [38 favorites]

"When did you first realize that the culture of masculinity you grew up in was a conspiracy to emotionally stunt you and desensitize you to the everyday emotional and physical violence that you were expected to grow up and perpetuate?"

That's a question I'd like to see more men think about.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 8:21 AM on January 14, 2010 [46 favorites]

Hmm... I don't want to shit on your tradition but, quite frankly, this sort of party-game-about-being-a-man would drive me insane. That said, there's a lot to recommend hanging around outside building a fire, drinking bourbon and bonding with other dudes. Have you considered maybe ditching the "list of questions" and instead trying to come up with a list of answers.

If you just go ahead and tell a story ("So, this one time..."), it will be much more natural to encourage everyone else to share similar stories. In fact, if your friends are anything like mine, you won't have to do any encouraging; they'll be chomping at the bit to interrupt you and one up you.

So, I guess I'm suggesting you spend some time thinking of your best stories, picking out the ones that most pertain to the experience of manhood. And then just let the shape of the story be your question.
posted by 256 at 8:21 AM on January 14, 2010 [5 favorites]

Yeeeah.. I don't anticipate this going well. But to answer the question:
You have $100K to buy a car. What would it be?

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done to impress a girl? (or guy?)
posted by Bardolph at 8:22 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Also: what older guy do you think has had the most effect on the kind of man you turned out to be?
posted by Bardolph at 8:25 AM on January 14, 2010 [4 favorites]

"What was the most important lesson (negative/positive) your father taught you about manhood?"

But yeah, a night of bourbon, cigars and fire sounds totally awesome already without the 'man' questions.
posted by nihraguk at 8:27 AM on January 14, 2010

Response by poster: Salvor Hardin - I would ask that, but I think a half a fifth of burbon may cause some confusion.
posted by thetenthstory at 8:27 AM on January 14, 2010

1. When did you realize your mother was more than someone who just cooked and cleaned for you?
2. What's the least manly thing you've ever done?
3. What was the last fight you talked your way out of?
4. When was the last time you caught yourself checking out another guy's face/abs/crotch?
5. What sports team were you proudest to be a part of?
6. How often do you find yourself treating someone unfairly because she's not a guy?
7. What was the most emotionally painful/challenging experience for you?
posted by mkultra at 8:29 AM on January 14, 2010 [16 favorites]

Your questions all really seem designed to evoke and reinforce very stereotypical male traits and behaviors - fighting, objectifying women, loving sports. This year, why not try instead of encouraging your friends to identify as caricatures, to reinforce for each other some enjoyable self-examination of what masculinity really means, outside of a movie or comic book?

Bardolph's suggestion is great. Also, what about:

1. What do you hope your legacy will be, how do you want people to remember you?
2. What is the most important childhood lesson you learned, and would you change or modify it for your children and grandchildren? (On preview: what nihraguk said.)
3. What do you do when you feel vulnerable, and what would you do differently?
4. What do you enjoy most about your life? Least?
posted by bunnycup at 8:30 AM on January 14, 2010 [13 favorites]

Best answer: As the lady in question, I want to state that I fully support the Man Time/ Woman Time.

We really do only get to see everyone once a year or so. It's not the time for heavy philosophical and/or ethical and/or cultural questions. We ladies usually discuss 'If you had to sleep with someone here who is not your date, who would you pick and why?'

It's just for fun guys!
posted by kidsleepy at 8:35 AM on January 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

Which of your current insecurities will you have conquered by this time next year?
posted by terpia at 8:38 AM on January 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

Also:
What are the fewest materials you require to make fire?
Now, prove it.
posted by terpia at 8:40 AM on January 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

Best answer: If you had to sleep with someone here who is not your date, who would you pick and why?
posted by box at 8:43 AM on January 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

So hive mind, what is a “Man” question you would ask?

When did you realize that being a "Man", meant putting the welfare of those around you (your children, for instance) ahead of your own selfish interests?

What difficult experience did you have, that most taxed your inner resources (strength, determination, wisdom, character)?

Do you believe in God? or life after death?

Do you think about passing away? Do you fear it? And what do you want to do for your family, or the world around you, before that time?

if none of those questions ever crossed your mind, you're not a man.

Sarcasm-Filter: If you want more Homer-Simpson type questions, then how about:

-how many times were you arrested? (Or, when were you first arrested? for what? did you go to jail? etc.)

-what's the dumbest thing you ever did?

-what's the grossest thing you ever ate?

-what cartoon character do you wish you were?

-which cartoon woman is hotter, wilma flintstone or betty rubble?

-what's the most racist (or misgynoist, or bigoted) thing you ever said or did?

-how many of these 'bum wine' beverages have you enjoyed? (google 'bum wine' and see majestic beverages like the now-defunct Ripple). Or look here at bum wine. Have a bottle of Thunderbird handy. Dare your friends to sample it.

Sincerely, I hope the answers to these questions are boring and uninteresting.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 8:46 AM on January 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

It seems that most of you are taking this high and mighty approach towards his question. It's unfortunate that you can't see the fun in what he is trying to do with his friends. The woman are probably sitting in the hot tub 'objectifying' men just like the men are objectifying women. This isn't a classroom, this isn't a perfect world - its 5 or 6 friends, building a fire and getting drunk. Get off your high horses and let's try and help the MAN out.

For more fun questions, I would suggest the website barguments.com

According to the website a bargument is the kind of argument you’re bound to have in a bar – one over sports or TV or odd dilemmas people only contemplate with drinks in their hands. (Example: Would you rather give up email or salt?)
posted by Brettus at 8:48 AM on January 14, 2010 [10 favorites]

"In 'The Old Man and the Sea,' did you empathize more with Santiago, with Manolin, or with the Marlin?"
"How long do you think you'd survive if you were sent back in time 3000 years? No, really."
"Want to make out?"
posted by 256 at 8:49 AM on January 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

(Damn, there's a mess in here to clean up).

- What's your biggest fear about aging?
- Do you ever feel tempted to just walk away from your current life and become someone else?
- If you could travel back in time and tell your young self one thing, what would it be and what age in your past would you tell it to?
- If you could travel forward in time and ask your future self one question, what would it be?
- Have you found your ideals about life have changed or been compromised as you've grown older? Do you feel conflicted about that?
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:19 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mod note: few comments removed - make an effort to be helpful or drop the OP a note if you want to tell him your jokes....
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:44 AM on January 14, 2010

What is your opinion of the "children don't need to grow up with a father" attitude of many single mothers? To clarify, quite often on talk shows or pregnancy message boards I see single mothers who dismissively refer to their child's father strictly as the "sperm donor" and who feel their child will be better off raised by her alone without a man in the home. Sometimes their attitude seems downright militantly anti-man, and it makes me wonder how such a viewpoint might affect their sons and the way they treat women as they grow older. If you had grown up in such an environment, how would it have changed the person you are today?
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:54 AM on January 14, 2010

"Have you ever cried in another man's arms?"
posted by KathrynT at 10:05 AM on January 14, 2010

My old boss used to posit this obscure and random question and I never forgot it:

"Let's say, due to modern technological advances, all men have a detachable penis. When you go out with the boys, does your wife or significant other have the right to keep your penis at home under her protective care?"

As silly as this question is, it usually spins into some colorful discussions about all types of interesting topics having to do with manhood, trust, strippers, etc.
posted by jasondigitized at 10:07 AM on January 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

• What's the perfect last night on earth? Last meal, last companion(s), last location, last drinks, last activities?
• Greatest adventure you've ever been a part of?
• Stupidest thing you've ever done?
• Circumstances surrounding best looking/worst looking hook-up?
• Dream job – where you'd go, what you'd do.
• Most beautiful people in the world are from ________? (This is a good one – especially if you reference the athletes walking in during the Olympic opening ceremonies. My opinion, apropos of nothing, is on Botswana.)
• Which of you would survive the longest in some horrific end-times scenario?
• First sexual attraction – who, why, and what happened?
posted by mr. remy at 10:20 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you had to sleep with someone here who is not your date, who would you pick and why?

This one is a bad idea. Sorry.
posted by inigo2 at 10:45 AM on January 14, 2010 [4 favorites]

What is your post-apocalyptic disaster (armageddon, zombies, etc) game plan?
posted by cCranium at 11:20 AM on January 14, 2010 [4 favorites]

How many knots can you tie and when did one of your knots last save someone's life?
(Borrowing from cCranium here but:) In your post-apocalyptic disaster fantasy, how is it that you manage to save civilisation?
What's the greatest lie you've ever told to make yourself appear more manly?
When did You realise you were a man? Are you sure about that?

Are you doing dares? If so, and it's winter where you are, dare one of the guys to make a pair of snow underpants and get into the hot tub with the girls.
posted by HopStopDon'tShop at 12:49 PM on January 14, 2010

You and the members of your immediate family are being held hostage in a concrete cell by kidnappers/terrorists. All previous hostages captured by this group have been executed. You note that there is one small window from which escape is possible, but you are the only one athletic enough to jump up, grab the sill, pull yourself up and punch your way through the glass. There is no time to help any others, as the sound of breaking glass will alert the nearby guards. If you know for certain that you can escape unharmed, but the rest of your family will be killed, do you go for it? Do you leave them?
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:38 PM on January 14, 2010

Not a question but a game that is fun (and yes, don't including relatives or people in the room).

F'
Marry
Kill

Everyone write down random names of historical people, actors/actresses, etc. Then you pick three people to decide who you want to marry, "f", or kill.

It can be pretty funny. People actually reason why they would F vs marry someone. My husband and I play this during camping all the time.
posted by stormpooper at 1:53 PM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

Knot tying contest! Guys go wild for knot-tying -- toss a couple lengths of rope amongst a knot (sorry) of guys, and they'll compete with each other in showing off what knots they know. Something to do with Boy Scout training, I think.. Also, different hobbies, professions, etc. use & will know different knots -- rock climbers use different knots than cowboys; electricians vs. fishermen, etc.etc. Just bringing it up will probably have them competing to show who has the most general knowledge about knots. So, as a question: Why are you/guys so wild about knots? Which ones do you know?

Question 2: What was your dream car when you were a kid (& why) vs. your dream car now.
posted by Tuesday After Lunch at 3:32 PM on January 14, 2010

If you guys only get together once a year, I think it might be interesting to ask some of the same kinds of questions strictly in regard to the last year. What's the dumbest/manliest/drunkest/most awesome/etc. thing you've done since last time we got together?

Who's on your "get out of jail free" card? (You know, the list of 5 celebrities you're allowed to sleep with if you ever get the opportunity, and your SO can't be mad because she has her own list of 5 as well.)

How many 5th graders could you take in a fight?

Zombies are coming in at us through the woods RIGHT NOW -- what should we do?

Which of you would win in a wrestling match? Once you've argued it to death, haul an old mattress outside and find out.

Maybe more serious than you're looking for, but does God exist, and if so what's your relationship with him/her/it?

What do you love most about your SO? (good for some jokey answers as well as serious ones)
posted by vytae at 8:22 AM on January 15, 2010

Oh, and this too...

Some friends of mine in younger years used to use situations like this to eventually transition into hard, personal questions like "John, why are you still with so-and-so?" when the match was clearly a bad one, or "Tom, why don't you have a job yet?" It was an opportunity to push people to be their best, or to learn about their personal reasons for doing something that looked like a mistake to everyone else, or to get people to examine their foibles that were obvious to everyone except the person in question. Sometimes it helps the askee learn something about himself, and sometimes it helps his friends learn something about him. Either way, the askee gets to either ask the next hard question or assign somebody else to do so, once he's done answering.

This might be too serious for your purposes, but I mention it as part of a manly conversation because it takes serious balls* to ask a question like this, and even bigger stones to answer a question like that honestly and constructively without letting defensiveness ruin the opportunity for growth and insight.

* Metaphorically speaking, of course. I say this as a girl who used to have these conversations with mixed-gender groups.

Oh, and one slightly-less-serious question I thought of for the group: What does "success" mean to you, and have you achieved it? If not, when do you think you'll get there?
posted by vytae at 8:28 AM on January 15, 2010

Ohmigod. Please!

I consider myself a "sensitive male," but most of these questions sound so contrived and corny. I really don't want to know most of those things about the guys I hang out with in a social setting. Goes double when I feel like I've been sent out to "talk about man stuff" as if we've been given some sort of assignment. As if I were expected to do the male version of something women think is a good time.

Men just plain bond differently than women.

Good bourbon and cigars? Around a fire? With other guys that you actually like? What more do you need?

Talking would almost ruin it.

If you absolutely must organize a conversation, focus on activities and interests and forget the whole Robert Bly schtick:

Complain about the poor performance of your favorite sports team.
If your team actually does welll, then give the other guys crap about how poorly their team did relative to yours.
Talk shop. Get them to talk about what they do and be interested. Ask follow-ups. Guys rarely get to talk about the arcane work/tech stuff they do.
Pop culture is good. I like to drop, "Quick poll. Withut thinking too much, name the five most influential rock/pop albums (not just songs) in history." or "Best guy movie with the lowest body count. Bloodless but still awesome wins."
Ask for advice on a project or for ideas. Guys love to give advice and talk about projects.
Go around and share the best thing you've read, listened to, drank or ate lately.
Share jokes. Bonus for clean ones.
Share "stupidest stuff I did that led to an injury" stories.
Ask for recommendations for a good cheap whiskey.
Make fun of beer snobs and share the lowest brow brew you will drink.
For that matter, there is a great wealth of conversation to be had in the "guilty pleasure" category.
posted by cross_impact at 11:48 AM on January 15, 2010 [1 favorite]