Resume polish needed
January 12, 2010 4:04 PM Subscribe
Syntax mavens: I am writing my resume, and I have a stylistically discouraged (but I believe syntactically correct) money shot sentence at the very end of it, which I could use some feedback on.
Here it is:
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as I anticipate my biggest contributions will."
I think this is one of those dangling participle things that our freshman English teachers dinged us for but I can't think of a better way to say "our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead and my biggest contributions remain ahead".
Any ideas?
Here it is:
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as I anticipate my biggest contributions will."
I think this is one of those dangling participle things that our freshman English teachers dinged us for but I can't think of a better way to say "our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead and my biggest contributions remain ahead".
Any ideas?
There's no dangling participle, it's just a little clunky.
"Our most challenging works of seismic imaging remain ahead, as do my biggest contributions to the field."
posted by headspace at 4:08 PM on January 12, 2010 [11 favorites]
"Our most challenging works of seismic imaging remain ahead, as do my biggest contributions to the field."
posted by headspace at 4:08 PM on January 12, 2010 [11 favorites]
"Our most challenging seismic imaging work, as well as my biggest contributions, remain ahead." ?
posted by fogonlittlecatfeet at 4:08 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by fogonlittlecatfeet at 4:08 PM on January 12, 2010
Rearranging, we have the sentence, "I anticipate my biggest contributions will remain ahead." Syntactically correct, but I don't think it really conveys what you're trying to say (that your most important contributions to this project will occur in the next phase).
Why not just say, "Our most challenging seismic imaging work remains ahead; my biggest contributions will be in this next phase."
posted by muddgirl at 4:11 PM on January 12, 2010
Why not just say, "Our most challenging seismic imaging work remains ahead; my biggest contributions will be in this next phase."
posted by muddgirl at 4:11 PM on January 12, 2010
I think the problem is with the word "remains." To say something "will remain ahead" is to suggest that they will never come.
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works are ahead, as are my greatest contributions."
posted by Bookhouse at 4:15 PM on January 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works are ahead, as are my greatest contributions."
posted by Bookhouse at 4:15 PM on January 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: A Terrible Llama is really close and Bookhouse's comment shows why. The problems I am working on are very difficult. To say that I am going to do even better than I have done in the past is impossible. It is accurate to say that I anticipate it. If there isn't any explicit accounting of the uncertainty it comes across as overly hyped.
posted by bukvich at 4:21 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by bukvich at 4:21 PM on January 12, 2010
I would worry that the person reading the resume might interpret the sentence as "but we haven't done the hard part yet!"
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:26 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:26 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works lie ahead, as do my greatest contributions."
posted by carmicha at 4:28 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by carmicha at 4:28 PM on January 12, 2010
"I anticipate my greatest contributions will be made in the next phase, which will also be our most challenging."
posted by mosk at 4:30 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by mosk at 4:30 PM on January 12, 2010
Is this a real resume, or is it a personal statement/cover letter?
If it's really a resume, I sort of question whether or not your anticipation of future contributions is an appropriate topic. Sell your achievements.
posted by muddgirl at 4:31 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it's really a resume, I sort of question whether or not your anticipation of future contributions is an appropriate topic. Sell your achievements.
posted by muddgirl at 4:31 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's a resume but it covers 25 years. They can't ask me my serum cholesterol and testosterone levels and blood pressure so I think it benefits from having an explicit fire in the belly item. But that is a very good point muddgirl. The people who have read the entire resume think it's great.
posted by bukvich at 4:36 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by bukvich at 4:36 PM on January 12, 2010
If you are worried about the sort of person who'll dump your resume for clunky style, perhaps you shouldn't use "anticipate" as a synonym for "expect".
But anyway, how about:
Our most challenging seismic imaging works, and my biggest contributions, are still to come.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:58 PM on January 12, 2010
But anyway, how about:
Our most challenging seismic imaging works, and my biggest contributions, are still to come.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:58 PM on January 12, 2010
But your contribution is the most important thing and is what I'm waiting to hear about, it should be first. Then you explain why it's still to come with the bit about the imaging, which goes second. Every one of these examples I'm reading the first bit wondering why I care and my eyes glaze over and by the time I get to the second part (that I do care about) I've lost focus and am no longer paying attention. It's a weak sentance done this way round.
Also maybe you need to be more direct. You're trying to say your contributions will increase so say they will increase. I'm sure there are better ways of doing this but:
"I anticipate my biggest contributions are still to come as our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead."
"I anticipate my contributions will increase significantly as we tackle (or some more appropriate doing word) our most challenging seismic imaging work. "
Whatever you decide please change something. Right now I'm left wondering what you mean about "biggest contributions" and what exactly you're doing to those imaging works and it really lacks punch. At the same time the point you're trying to make is both valid and exciting, so it's worth making.
posted by shelleycat at 5:14 PM on January 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
Also maybe you need to be more direct. You're trying to say your contributions will increase so say they will increase. I'm sure there are better ways of doing this but:
"I anticipate my biggest contributions are still to come as our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead."
"I anticipate my contributions will increase significantly as we tackle (or some more appropriate doing word) our most challenging seismic imaging work. "
Whatever you decide please change something. Right now I'm left wondering what you mean about "biggest contributions" and what exactly you're doing to those imaging works and it really lacks punch. At the same time the point you're trying to make is both valid and exciting, so it's worth making.
posted by shelleycat at 5:14 PM on January 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
Oh, another thing that strikes me. If the work you're currently involved in is about to get so much better and your contribution about to become significant why are you giving me your resume? Doesn't seem like a good time to be looking for a new job or soliciting new work. Maybe I'm missing context there? I guess it comes back again to what you mean by 'biggest contribution' (bigger than what?, contribution to what?).
I'm assuming it does make more sense on context, you just need to think about what exactly the sentence is trying to get across and make sure it says that. I generally find the correct form comes more easily once you have that nailed down.
posted by shelleycat at 5:20 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm assuming it does make more sense on context, you just need to think about what exactly the sentence is trying to get across and make sure it says that. I generally find the correct form comes more easily once you have that nailed down.
posted by shelleycat at 5:20 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, and I anticipate my biggest contributions will [remain/occur] in this area.
posted by dilettante at 5:20 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by dilettante at 5:20 PM on January 12, 2010
A Terrible Llama: "Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as will my greatest contributions."
Not to be a noodge, but that doesn't work, as it breaks to:
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead."
"My greatest contributions will lie ahead."
Will implies future, and lie ahead implies future. So you're saying that at some point in the future, your greatest contributions will lie ahead.
"My greatest contributions lie ahead" is a state of being, so it can be transformed to "as do my greatest contributions".
posted by MikeHarris at 5:23 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not to be a noodge, but that doesn't work, as it breaks to:
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead."
"My greatest contributions will lie ahead."
Will implies future, and lie ahead implies future. So you're saying that at some point in the future, your greatest contributions will lie ahead.
"My greatest contributions lie ahead" is a state of being, so it can be transformed to "as do my greatest contributions".
posted by MikeHarris at 5:23 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Our most challenging works of seismic imaging lie ahead of us, as do, I anticipate, my greatest contributions to the field.
posted by eggplantplacebo at 5:31 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by eggplantplacebo at 5:31 PM on January 12, 2010
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as I anticipate my biggest contributions will."
However, it now occurs to me you might want to rethink what this says, depending on the lead-in. You're writing a resume that's to serve as an advertisement of your abilities and accomplishments. Given that, what is this saying?
* Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead.
* My biggest contributions remain ahead.
Remaining ahead means, "I haven't done this yet -- it's in the future." So, applying that to these statements, you're saying:
* We have not had our most challenging seismic imaging works yet.
* I have not made my biggest contributions yet.
Those statements advertise against you, not for you.
posted by MikeHarris at 5:31 PM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
However, it now occurs to me you might want to rethink what this says, depending on the lead-in. You're writing a resume that's to serve as an advertisement of your abilities and accomplishments. Given that, what is this saying?
* Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead.
* My biggest contributions remain ahead.
Remaining ahead means, "I haven't done this yet -- it's in the future." So, applying that to these statements, you're saying:
* We have not had our most challenging seismic imaging works yet.
* I have not made my biggest contributions yet.
Those statements advertise against you, not for you.
posted by MikeHarris at 5:31 PM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I think it sounds apologetic, not "fire in the belly". I think you might just think about ditching it and going with something else - if you've been in your field for 25 years, I'm going to be skeptical that you'll suddenly get dramatically better, and I think your current wording sounds like an embarrassed promise to do that! You want to be saying that you've made valuable contributions and are ready to make more, I'd think.
posted by crabintheocean at 5:37 PM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by crabintheocean at 5:37 PM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as I anticipate my biggest contributions will." parses as "Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as I anticipate my biggest contributions will remain ahead."
I prefer
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, and, I anticipate, my biggest contributions."
or
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as do my biggest contributions."
posted by theora55 at 5:39 PM on January 12, 2010
I prefer
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, and, I anticipate, my biggest contributions."
or
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, as do my biggest contributions."
posted by theora55 at 5:39 PM on January 12, 2010
Or what Mike Harris said! It's like, how do you know? Why haven't you pulled out the good stuff yet, if it's all been pretty easy?
posted by crabintheocean at 5:39 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by crabintheocean at 5:39 PM on January 12, 2010
No matter how you write it, this is not a good statement for a resume.
posted by grouse at 5:55 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by grouse at 5:55 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
2nding crabintheocean. I also believe this is cover letter - not resume - material. The resume s/b an objective statement of your past experiences. Save the subjective interpretations for other avenues - the cover letter, interview, follow up letter, etc.
posted by torquemaniac at 6:03 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by torquemaniac at 6:03 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Zeugma! You're using two different senses of the word 'ahead'. Also, 'ahead' is naturally ambiguous anyway, as MikeHarris has pointed out.
These are two separate ideas that you're conveying. They are important enough to stand on their own, in separate sentences. I wouldn't try to mash them together in some cutesy construction.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:12 PM on January 12, 2010
These are two separate ideas that you're conveying. They are important enough to stand on their own, in separate sentences. I wouldn't try to mash them together in some cutesy construction.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:12 PM on January 12, 2010
You know, what about: "Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead, and so my biggest contributions to the field are yet to come."
Since it links the two ideas ("most challenging works ahead" and "biggest contributions ahead"), this version does away with the inadvertent implication that your previous contributions were insignificant. But maybe it's too arrogant/certain?
posted by sentient at 6:29 PM on January 12, 2010
Since it links the two ideas ("most challenging works ahead" and "biggest contributions ahead"), this version does away with the inadvertent implication that your previous contributions were insignificant. But maybe it's too arrogant/certain?
posted by sentient at 6:29 PM on January 12, 2010
Slightly off topic (and anal), but there should be a hyphen between "seismic" and "imaging." The two words together form the adjective for "works." Without the hyphen, you're saying that the imaging works are seismic. Unless that's what you are saying--I'm only guessing that you're doing work on seismic imaging.
I see why you're excited about this sentence, because it seems like a really cool parallel phrasing and you're using complicated structures. But it will trip up whoever reads it, and if they have to go back to read the sentence twice before they're sure of the meaning, they'll think it's awkward, not elegantly phrased. Your resume is not really the place to impress someone with complex or surprising sentence structure; it's a list of facts (roughly), not literary prose.
Abandon the structure. Say something like "I believe the challenging seismic-imaging work ahead of us will bring forth my greatest contributions to the field." Not that exactly -- work out what you're really trying to convey -- but just make it more straightforward.
posted by thebazilist at 6:41 PM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I see why you're excited about this sentence, because it seems like a really cool parallel phrasing and you're using complicated structures. But it will trip up whoever reads it, and if they have to go back to read the sentence twice before they're sure of the meaning, they'll think it's awkward, not elegantly phrased. Your resume is not really the place to impress someone with complex or surprising sentence structure; it's a list of facts (roughly), not literary prose.
Abandon the structure. Say something like "I believe the challenging seismic-imaging work ahead of us will bring forth my greatest contributions to the field." Not that exactly -- work out what you're really trying to convey -- but just make it more straightforward.
posted by thebazilist at 6:41 PM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just another opinion that you don't need to tie these two elements together in a sentence, and you don't need to stick with this particular idea. Say the same thing in a different manner altogether.
And personally, I'm not sure how hip I am to the "look out, here I come" style of writing about one's self. But certainly, some people will admire the gumption and confidence. Good luck.
posted by Red Loop at 6:46 PM on January 12, 2010
And personally, I'm not sure how hip I am to the "look out, here I come" style of writing about one's self. But certainly, some people will admire the gumption and confidence. Good luck.
posted by Red Loop at 6:46 PM on January 12, 2010
If this is a get-a-job resume, I think you should change it because it reads awkwardly and you want a potential boss to be thinking about your achievements not your word choice. If this is a CV to post on your website or for speaker notes and you really like it then leave it the way it is.
posted by shothotbot at 6:53 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by shothotbot at 6:53 PM on January 12, 2010
Verb tense disagreement. "Remain" is present tense, "will" in this case is short for "will remain" which is future tense. Substitute "do" for "will" and you have a sentence which, though not my favorite ever, is technically correct.
posted by rjacobs at 8:44 PM on January 12, 2010
posted by rjacobs at 8:44 PM on January 12, 2010
ick, I hate resume writing and I hate this sentence. It's horrible. Here's a better way to say this
Our most challenging seismic imaging works and my biggest contributions remain ahead.
But for all the reasons stated above, it's a crappy resume sentence that should be taken outside and shot. Try again.
posted by bananafish at 10:21 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Our most challenging seismic imaging works and my biggest contributions remain ahead.
But for all the reasons stated above, it's a crappy resume sentence that should be taken outside and shot. Try again.
posted by bananafish at 10:21 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I am excited about the future of our industry. Our greatest challenges lie ahead, and I look forward to meeting those challenges with my greatest contributions."
?
Forward thinking, excitement, makes it a little more clear about why your greatest contributions lie ahead (not because you've been lazy in the past, but because the biggest challenges lie ahead in the industry.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:27 AM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
?
Forward thinking, excitement, makes it a little more clear about why your greatest contributions lie ahead (not because you've been lazy in the past, but because the biggest challenges lie ahead in the industry.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:27 AM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Thebazilist is wrong about the hyphen between seismic and imaging. Seismic is an adjective that describes imaging, and works perfectly fine the way it is (hyphens are necessary when using a noun as an adjectival construction).
As far as your original question, follow the three golden rules:
1. eliminate needless words
2. eliminate needless words
3. eliminate needless words
"Our most challenging seismic imaging work lies ahead, as do my greatest contributions."
posted by Jon_Evil at 6:55 AM on January 13, 2010
As far as your original question, follow the three golden rules:
1. eliminate needless words
2. eliminate needless words
3. eliminate needless words
"Our most challenging seismic imaging work lies ahead, as do my greatest contributions."
posted by Jon_Evil at 6:55 AM on January 13, 2010
shit. should read "Our most challenging seismic imaging projects lie ahead, as do my greatest contributions."
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:00 AM on January 13, 2010
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:00 AM on January 13, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you all very much for the input. I know what to do. It is two sentences, too much for one.
posted by bukvich at 7:03 AM on January 13, 2010
posted by bukvich at 7:03 AM on January 13, 2010
"Our most challenging seismic imaging work still lies ahead, and I eagerly (or other adverb) anticipate my (adjective - future, increasing, continuing, etc.) contributions."
I think trying to make the two things entirely parallel - most challenging work and your anticipated greatest contributions - gets pretty awkward. It's much easier to phrase if you wanted to go "over-hyped" as you call it, and commit to having future work more significant than your (presumably impressive) past work. So, I broke it up into separate statements - about definite work and possible contributions. If if were me, I'd change "still lies ahead" to "is yet to come" because that's the way I talk.
But if the sentance that says what you want it to say is the one you started with, go ahead and use it. The resume is about you and how you communicate, and you may as well say what you meant however you can.
posted by aimedwander at 7:08 AM on January 13, 2010
I think trying to make the two things entirely parallel - most challenging work and your anticipated greatest contributions - gets pretty awkward. It's much easier to phrase if you wanted to go "over-hyped" as you call it, and commit to having future work more significant than your (presumably impressive) past work. So, I broke it up into separate statements - about definite work and possible contributions. If if were me, I'd change "still lies ahead" to "is yet to come" because that's the way I talk.
But if the sentance that says what you want it to say is the one you started with, go ahead and use it. The resume is about you and how you communicate, and you may as well say what you meant however you can.
posted by aimedwander at 7:08 AM on January 13, 2010
"Our most challenging seismic imaging works remain ahead. I am eager to meet those challenges."
posted by flug at 9:46 AM on January 13, 2010
posted by flug at 9:46 AM on January 13, 2010
I hope you're meaning to use this in a cover letter, not a resume. This sort of filler has no place on a resume. Lines about your hopes and dreams for contributing to a brighter tomorrow belong in cover letters, not on resumes.
I also dislike both the phrasing and the sentiment, but that's probably a personal opinion (though I should note that I do hiring, and that anything like this anywhere in a candidate's materials would make me think that they're probably full of crap).
posted by decathecting at 10:57 AM on January 14, 2010
I also dislike both the phrasing and the sentiment, but that's probably a personal opinion (though I should note that I do hiring, and that anything like this anywhere in a candidate's materials would make me think that they're probably full of crap).
posted by decathecting at 10:57 AM on January 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:07 PM on January 12, 2010 [6 favorites]