Wannabe Third (and general KinkFilter)
January 5, 2010 9:24 AM   Subscribe

As part of my New Year's Self-Improvement Program (tm), I'm seeking out a few sexual experiences I haven't had but would like. In particular, I'd like to be the third in a heterosexual couple's threesome. I'm a mostly-straight man in San Francisco.

You'd think this would be more difficult *not* to do in the Sexual Liberation Capital of the Universe, but I've always felt out of place at the BDSM, kink, and other sex-oriented gatherings I've attended. I've never been a public player, but I've tied up every serious girlfriend I've had for most of the past decade, and it's been great for both of us. Being a single mostly-straight man makes one's sexual capital basically worthless, so I'm in a somewhat difficult spot here.

I'm wondering: 1) what's the best way for a male wannabe third to implement this fantasy, and 2) more generally, how do you meet and play with kinky people without getting all Folsom Street Fair about everything?

Throwaway email: nisitristique at gmail dot com.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

AdultFriendFinder.com would be my recommendation, because it's difficult for single men who have sex with women to get invitations to play parties, etc.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2010

Heterosexual couple to share minimally BDSM-y sex with hetero stranger? You're looking for swinger parties.

Men who can behave respectfully, obey the party rules, non-cruisy, etc. can and do receive invite. You just have to stand out from the crowd of morons clamoring to get one. Behave like a mature, courteous adult when you contact the hosts. Be okay with being on the waiting list for a while. Volunteer to arrive early to help them with party preparations (which gives them more time to see that you're a civilized guy who shares their goal of making it a fun and easygoing party). Etc. You'll do fine.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 10:03 AM on January 5, 2010

You may have a hard time (no pun intended). The odds of a straight, single man finding a couple interested in some kind of experience is about on par with a straight couple finding a bisexual woman for the same. You won't be able to get into the good swinger parties. I've heard that Craigslist is a good bet, as long as you craft a good, non-creeper post and don't flake out or lead anyone on.
posted by theraflu at 10:17 AM on January 5, 2010

Most heterosexual couples looking for threesomes are looking for a female bisexual. The number looking for men is tiny. The number looking for men is small. Your best bet is the internet, by sheer numbers. But I'd also use the internet to look for some really good porn that would allow you to fantasize about what you want while working to accept that it's likely it'll never happen.
posted by decathecting at 11:06 AM on January 5, 2010

Anecdotally, it's easier to be a single male in a couple's threesome when you are friends with that couple. IMO there's a higher threshold of trust involved when a couple brings a man into the bedroom versus bringing a woman. I'll leave speculation as to the "why" alone...

But to the OP: know any sex-positive friends? My few successful experiences all involved good friends with well developed trust & comfort outside the bedroom.
posted by whycurious at 11:27 AM on January 5, 2010

Most of the ads in craigslist's mw4m section are looking for bi guys. Occasionally you'll find one looking for a straight guy. Patience is key.
posted by clorox at 12:12 PM on January 6, 2010

Huh. Maybe try to give kinky gatherings another shot, especially gatherings that are more casual, plain-clothes things vs. workshops about the vagina followed by play party type things. Go to a few meetings of each organization, maybe.

I get your discomfort with the more outre members of the kink scene. At the same time, if you can open your mind a tad bit you might enjoy being around that kind of person, even if you don't ever become that kind of person.

Also put out there to everyone that it's what you're looking for. You'd be surprised who is into what. Of course you then have to deal with the awkward situation where people want to have sex with you and you're like "hey sorry couple I'm not into you".

If you can find a female friend who is willing to accompany you, you would be able to at the very least go to more events.
posted by kathrineg at 3:03 PM on January 10, 2010

Oh, and consider finding a female with whom you have an established friendly relationship and good chemistry, who also has this as a fantasy. Then you two can be looking for a single guy, and taking your pick. If part of the fantasy is the fact that they're an established couple, perhaps look for people who are into a milder form of cuckolding or where one or both of the couple wants to be tied up. If you do put out an ad or respond to ads, mention your bondage experience. It might make you stand out in the "your hot lets do it send pics pls" crowd.
posted by kathrineg at 3:18 PM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

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