Woman looking for ways to play on my own.
January 3, 2010 10:02 AM   Subscribe

Please help a single, adventurous woman step up her kink in simple, everyday ways.

Assume I'm starting from the beginning here. I'm currently single, slightly shy, but open to trying new things. I don't know where and how to start with exploring sex and kink more, as a party of one. I'd like to see what kind of trouble I can get myself into safely and comfortably. :)

A recent opportunity has presented itself, whereby I'd like to return a favor from a male friend who sent me a video of himself masturbating. He knows my experience level and isn't expecting something over the top in return. But I thought this might be a good way to start trying new things out. I'm inspired but clueless.

So, besides making a video of myself masturbating and sending that (that might be a little bit too upper division just yet), what are some other ways I can play? I'm kind of interested in eventually trying everything suggested, so looking for a range of ideas (maybe at various comfort/kink levels), and not necessarily trying to pin down the perfect return favor for my friend right now.

Background info...my sexual experience has previously included sex in a variety of positions, lots of oral, one time anal sex, one threesome (2F/1M) ... and sadly, that's about it. Never done video, or taken fully naked pictures. I like to read erotica and I masturbate regularly in all sorts of ways.

In summary, looking for things to try solo (possibly including some form of documentation of the event), and tips or suggestions that I should know going into it. If there are some resources such as books or websites geared toward this, or featuring clips (M or F) of this level of activity specifically, I'd like to know!

Oh, and I'm open to trying things in public spaces, but stumped about how to do anything safely.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

I want to caution you about sending a video of yourself to anyone, even if you trust them. Videos have a way of getting out into cyberspace - he shows a friend, that friend shares it with a friend, and so on, and so on, and so on... Just a caution. Just like birth control, the only 100% way of it not happening is not to do it. Same with pictures. Unless you have no inhibitions against "going public" that is.

As for adding kink - there are various adult websites that can give you all kinds of suggestions - like alt.com or lustylibrary.com for starters.
posted by patheral at 10:12 AM on January 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

Check out the Savage Love archives. Dan Savage's advice is more about being safe and sane than anything else, but it's worth spending an afternoon doing research.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:20 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'd try your hand at erotic fiction, you seem to have some talent at writing. That's a GREAT way to explore, safely.

check www.literotica.com for examples (and you might find me... )
posted by emptyinside at 10:27 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am someone who is in front of a camera with no clothes on a lot, so trust me when I tell you:

DO NOT take a video of yourself naked (let alone masturbating, or anything else) unless you are 100% comfortable the entire world, including your friends, coworkers and family, seeing it.

There are lots of ways to insert some kinkiness (no pun intended) into your life with out diving into career-ending exhibitionism.

There might not be anything dangerous with a closely cropped video of your hand and naughty bits getting busy, but anything identifiable is not a "first step".
posted by sandra_s at 10:38 AM on January 3, 2010 [8 favorites]

For video, I'd say to either focus on just hand and bits, or just face. Not both at the same time. (Also, this is kinda hotter.)
posted by desuetude at 10:41 AM on January 3, 2010

Videos have a way of getting out into cyberspace

Yup. And technology changes, too. I recently discovered a photo of myself from 20 years ago on someone's website -- back then, the concept of a photo being available 24/7, worldwide, didn't even cross my mind. So you might be ok with a photo being out there that shows you from the neck down, say -- but will there be a technology shift a decade down the road that will suddenly make it less anonymous for you? I'm not saying don't take photos or videos -- just to do so with an understanding that things get around and that your interest in anonymity may change with time.

Costumes are always a good place to start. You can dress up for yourself alone, provide textual or photo proof to a long distance partner, or spice things up with a local partner. And they can be as elaborate or simple, serious or goofy, as you desire.

So can bringing your kink secretly out into the world. Whatever it is you enjoy, from latex underwear to furry to whatever, why not go out for the evening with that on under your normal clothes? Only you will know (or you can be texting your friend, say), and it lets you experiment with what turns you on in real life and what sounds fun but is a big drag in person.
posted by Forktine at 10:45 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

your video will end up online, forever. If not by the guy you send it to (but probably by him), by his friend or the guy who steals his computer or pulls it out of the garbage.
posted by sully75 at 11:05 AM on January 3, 2010

I'd write a hot story with him and you as the protagonists. It might be a fantasy encounter that specifically references how watching the earlier video made you feel.

Make it hot. Those websites have a lot of people who like to edit too. They could help.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:11 AM on January 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

You can try alt.com for meeting people with similar kink tastes, just be warned that people (guys) will come at you there will both barrels. For more of a social networking site, but also with a lot of people into kink, you can try fetlife.com. There you will definitely be able to find others willing to talk to you and introduce you to new and different aspects of sexuality. They have listings of different functions/parties/gatherings happening all over the world, kink oriented, some of them semi public sex parties.

You seem to have a bit of exhibitionism in you. If you have a webcam, that can satisfy your urge to be watched (again, keep identifying characteristics out of it), and you can figure out what you enjoy doing as you go. You can broadcast via alt.com if you sign up as a member (it's free), and I guarantee you that you will have an audience there.

Other than that, there is nothing better than exploring porn online to see what turns you on more and to give you new ideas.
posted by newpotato at 11:25 AM on January 3, 2010

Nthing the don't do the video thing.

FetLife.com is a social network for kinksters (god, I hate that term). There is a lot of writing and dialog there that you may find illuminating.
posted by FlamingBore at 11:41 AM on January 3, 2010

So, besides making a video of myself masturbating and sending that (that might be a little bit too upper division just yet), what are some other ways I can play?

That's jumping the gun too quickly, IMO. You want to build up to that. Here's few random thoughts:

Send a pair of panties. Send them in an envelope with your lipstick lips print on them.

Do a strip tease. Put on some sexy lingerie. Put clothes on over that. Strip off the clothes, taking various pictures (not movies) as you go. Send a picture a day for a week (either by mail or email), revealing however much you want, but as others said, don't include your face.

Put your body into a sexual position. Take a photo o f your body or part of it as he might see it from his perspective.

Call his voice mail. Leave a message. Use your imagination.

Send him some coupons based around sexy acts. Let him redeem them.

Text him when you're masturbating, let him know what you're doing and thinking.

Write something on your inner thigh, something sexy. Take a picture of that, carefully cropping out the sexy bits, leaving something to the imagination.

Buy a pair of handcuffs with a key. Send him just the key. Or Just the handcuffs and a photo of the key.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:48 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

In sticking with the solo-but-documented thing, there are a lot of ... wearable things that you could explore wearing in "public" [i.e maybe not visible, but definitely feelable] and then relating these feelings to an accomplice/friend/whatever. Some ideas

- beginners butt plug/vibrator
- nipple drops or clamps
- wearable vibrators

There's also all manner of naughty-style underthings depending on what your particular thing is ranging from fetish shoes/stockings to undergarments that can be "accidentally" somewhat visible, etc. And if you have a laptop or a camera, taking revealing photos of yourself somewhere public-ish [library, laundromat, bus, train] can be fun but mostly safe and fun to exchange with an email buddy. Also somewhat easier to anonymize than video.
posted by jessamyn at 11:54 AM on January 3, 2010

N-thing the cautions about experimenting online. In many respects, you have less control, and it requires more trust. Which is why I would suggest testing the waters in a controlled real-life environment intended for exactly this sort of thing.

For example, here in the Seattle area, we have places like the Center for Sex Positive Culture, and New Horizons.

The first is exactly what it says, a kind of library/educational/experimental/safe space (with a bdsm slant). New Horizons is a large, private estate/club most frequented by swingers, but very welcoming of all sex-positive singles and non-swinging couples. Both of these places operate with an emphasis on community and tolerance. They are inclusive of all sexual orientations, socioeconomic backgrounds, and physical appearances. They hold confidentiality, safety, and emotional comfort as paramount. There are strict boundaries and rules that members are expected to follow to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all the members, particularly the women. Both refer to themselves as "women's clubs," and are structured accordingly. They are also private and require a membership fee and orientation prior to attending. This barrier to participation ensures a commitment to the principles of the community and (perhaps counter-intuitively) ensures privacy.

The bottom line is that in both of these places, you can play and experiment to whatever degree you are comfortable in an environment of safety, privacy, and respect. You need not come with, or even physically interact with anybody else once you are there. As a single woman, places like this are one of the few sexually oriented/charged places you will not be out of place or judged. On the contrary, you will have the staff fully committed to facilitating your comfortable experience, whatever you may want that to be. I can speak for these places to say that providing a quality experience for a single, inexperienced but open-minded female is the goal by which they judge themselves and their success. It makes sense; it's the hardest demographic to satisfy and doing so indicates they must have done many things correctly.

My SO and I are not particularly into bdsm, and we are not swingers. But, like you, we are interested in broadening the scope of our sexuality and places like this are perfect for this. I am sure that clubs like this exist in nearly every major city. A quick email to the directors of either of these clubs would point you in the direction of similar places near you.

Ensure your safety. Protect your privacy. Kudos to you for coming to all of this in a thoughtful way. Good luck.
posted by nickjadlowe at 12:06 PM on January 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

Adding to the don't do the video thing... even if you trust him completely not to put your video online, maybe he has a file sharing program installed and the video accidentally gets shared.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:06 PM on January 3, 2010

Hmm. I'm a bit stumped because "kink" generally could be soooo many things. When you say "this level of activity specifically" I'm a bit at a loss. Of course, if you knew what you were asking about you wouldn't be asking, would you!

If you head on over to fetlife.com, make sure not to be frightened by people who talk about "true" anything, or people who are super-kinkier-than-thou.

Public things that are "safe", with the caveat that nothing is without risk. I wrote them from a toppish perspective, but feel free to switch the pronouns around:

Wear slutty undergarments (or none at all). Perhaps of his choosing, perhaps not, depending how bottomy you want to be about it. Then you can mail them to him (as mentioned above).

Same as above, but with written words.

A classic is wearing a buttplug in public. Vibrators, well, lets just say that in public I think they're more trouble than they're worth. Just my opinion.

Ask him to help you pick out a sex toy to use on yourself. Good long-distance thing.

He can phone you while you're in a public place and say and do all sorts of dirty things while you're forced to act inconspicuous. If that gives him performance anxiety, he can leave you a dirty voicemail with the instruction not to listen to it until you're in public.

I'm sure I could think of other things. Feel free to memail me!
posted by kathrineg at 12:17 PM on January 3, 2010

BTW, before you wear anything out in public, make sure you are reasonably familiar with how it feels, how it works, how to get it out/off relatively discreetly, how long you can wear it comfortably, etc.

& in the spirit of comments above, make sure you're taking advantage of the benefits of the internet while avoiding the pitfalls of the internet. Anonymity, physical safety, easy availability, license to explore without risking your reputation in a real-life community...these are good things. Use them to your full advantage, and don't give them up if possible.
posted by kathrineg at 12:29 PM on January 3, 2010

I love taking pictures of myself (although I tend to do more burlesque photos in underwear, rather than straight up hardcore naked things), and have "sexted" them to a few bfs, and the trick that I always use is my face is never in the picture, nor are there identifiable personal effects around, or obvious personal locations in the background. I trusted all these guys, I STILL trust them as a matter of fact, but yeah you never know if a harddrive is going to be stolen or what.

If you have rather easily identifiable tattoos, though, this trick won't work.
posted by CTORourke at 11:32 AM on January 5, 2010

I really enjoy taking pictures of myself and sending them to significant other(s), but I guess that requires a) a lot of trust, or b) not being too concerned about the "documentation" eventually getting out.

Clearly, some people get off on the fact that the random public is watching them have sex. (e.g., xtube, et al.) If you're really worried about pictures or video of yourself getting on the internet, it's probably best to avoid it altogether, but if it's not too concerning, you might find it really fun.

I say go for it, but start small—avoid pictures/video that include your face or other unique features. (tattoos, etc.)
posted by darkshade at 3:35 PM on January 6, 2010

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