Long distance relationship advice
January 2, 2010 3:45 PM   Subscribe

How can I explain, to a younger person seeking my opinion, that I don't feel that long distance relationships work? I want to speak honestly but without hurting their feelings.

Some background. This person is still in high school with their boyfriend about to go off to college. From what I understand they're each others first love. They are both extremely mature and intelligent and stand out amongst their peers which is likely part of their attraction to each other.

Personally I feel they are nearly destined to be that couple that tries to hold it together way too long, crying on the phone late at night and then eventually break up anyway. I want to speak honestly but not say something that's going to worry her even more then she already is. Also I don't want to sound patronizing to someone that's 8 years younger than me.

What I want to get across to her is something like: 1. I think long term long distance relationships are unnecessary emotional torture for couples. 2. They should have realistic expectations. 3. They should both understand that college is going to be for them a transforming experience. 4. There are going to be tons of fun, attractive, intelligent, intriguing, mature, physically available people that they are likely going to want to be with.

Am I way off base here? Is there some better way to put this that doesn't sound so patronizing?
posted by trojanhorse to Human Relations (32 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
The only thing I would suggest is adding some sort of "this is just my personal opinion, you may want to ask other people for their opinions as well" coda to it. I know some young people who are in long-distance relationships that work just fine. Your opinion is certainly valid, but words like "torture" aren't really neutral or non-fear-inspiring. I think if it were me, I'd just be cautionary without doomsaying. More like "Hey it's okay if you can't make it work, try to keep an open mind..." instead of "hey, you're doomed."

So concentrate on the "I feel..." and "My experience has been..." statements while leaving the door open for other "right answers" and don't argue wth your friend if your friend thinks that their relationship really has what it takes to make it work despite the midgivings of others. Love is a great thing and should be encouraged and not pooh-poohed. Find a way to validate what she's dealing with while also expressing your concerns.
posted by jessamyn at 3:53 PM on January 2, 2010 [5 favorites]


Say nothing. After one semester the problem will have solved itself.

(Just watched a coworker's daughter go thru this. I think they lasted less than a month.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:54 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]


I don't think what you said here sounds patronizing, though i could definitely see a smitten teenager feeling that way. If they're asking your advice, that risk might be mitigated. Here, you made your points simply and directly. I think you should tell her (him?) just about what you just told us. If she wants elaboration, give it to her. If you have personal experience to talk about, even better.
posted by cmoj at 3:54 PM on January 2, 2010


My son and his at the time g/f had a long distance relationship during university and I really think it was, if not good, not too bad for him. Of course, she wa(i)s a beautiful, intelligent, and academically determined young lady and I felt the relationship helped keep my son on course during his first few years in a university over 2000 miles away rom home. The part about college being a transformative experience and anything could happen should take care of it in terms of advice.
posted by Canajun at 3:57 PM on January 2, 2010


They should have realistic expectations.

If I were you, I'd focus only on this part--and not with a subtext of "...because it's unlikely this relationship will last." Encourage her to know her own mind and heart, and to feel empowered to make whatever choices seem best, healthiest, and happiest for her whether that means continuing or ending any given relationship.

I've known several people who went to college while in relationships they began in high school. Off the top of my head, I can think of two couples who are still together, and several more who are not. However, no one seems to have suffered greatly by choosing not to immediately start hooking up with their new peers in college. Those two who are still in relationships that began in high school don't seem warped or deprived, and they are well aware that they could have broken up and still could break up if they felt the need to experience other relationships or if they felt they had outgrown their high school relationship. Those whose high school relationships ended in college were able to move on to happy, healthy relationships with college peers and others.

Unless this high school boyfriend is manipulative, abusive, or otherwise likely to cause lasting damage to your friend, focus on encouraging her to trust herself to make the best decision.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:02 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


Unless solicited, this advice should not be given. First, you have to admit that you lack the actual ability to see the future. Second, long distance is hard, but not impossible, but your terminology is more absolute. Third, their goals might be different than yours. A relationship isn't a failure because it is not life-long, or ends in heartbreak.

Finally, and most importantly, this is a judgment call based on how much emotional risk they want to take. Only they can judge that. They might want very much to risk it, based on what they are feeling. The result may be heartache, but its a built-in risk.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:02 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]


I was in this position, and stayed with the boyfriend when he went off to college and then broke up with him when I went off to college. We had only been dating a few months when he went off to school, and neither of us were willing to end things. He also went to school a few hours away, which made things much easier. If your advisee is still caught up in new love, she won't listen to you however good your advice. And hey, maybe they can make it work, for a while at least.

On the other side of it, I did break up with my boyfriend before going off to college. What convinced me it was the right decision for me was thinking long term. I was going to school in another part of the country, and I couldn't imagine sustaining a relationship when I could only see him every few months, not every two weeks or so. And frankly, the every two weeks thing was hard enough. I also knew at that point that this person wasn't right for me in the long term. We weren't unhappy, but I knew I wasn't ready to attempt to sustain a relationship with them for three or four years while we were in school and apart. Basically, I realized I didn't want to marry them.

A final note: months after I made the "smart" decision to break up, my ex boyfriend and I went through an agonizing dramatic emotional fallout brought about by other issues. *That* was when I finally let go of him and my attachment to him, not when I made the (slightly cold, slightly calculating, and more-than-slightly selfish) decision to break up with him before I went off to school.

OK, a final final note. Most of my friends went through a version of this experience, and we all made it through more or less OK, and with a more mature view of relationships. A little turbulence teaches you things older and wiser friends never can :)
posted by MadamM at 4:06 PM on January 2, 2010


While you may care for her feelings, I agree with others who mention to not say a thing. The distance may or may not be a problem, but it is something she will need to experience and learn from for herself, good or bad.
posted by mrrisotto at 4:14 PM on January 2, 2010


Don't say anything. This is a normal part of growing up for a lot of people, and handling that maturation will be difficult enough. The additional guilt or worry that "trojanhorse warned me this would happen, why am I so stupid???" is unneeded. What you can do is try to be supportive regardless of their relationship choices. While I agree with you in general with your opinions of LDRs, I have personally witnessed some extremely successful ones, even two that have led to long, healthy marriages. Having an older, wiser friend is wonderful for many things, but the real risk of a long distance relationship is one thing that a lot of people need to learn for themselves.
posted by Mizu at 4:16 PM on January 2, 2010


When my niece went to college, her long distance bf was little more than a mechanism for rejecting the advances of the local boys. It worked out great: she didn't really have the time or interest for a relationship; this way she could get the status of being involved without the costs.
posted by alms at 4:17 PM on January 2, 2010


Keep your neb out of her business.
posted by the cuban at 4:17 PM on January 2, 2010


Nthing zip the lip. These are young people, and one of the ways young people grow up is via the school of hard knocks. If this LD relationship collapses, then your friend is going to learn about how relationships work, and what won't work, and how to keep a LDR growing and/or abstain from LDR's.

I'm a huge proponent of letting people learn for themselves, especially high-schoolers. Unless the lesson is likely to result in severe, permanent, unresolveable damage of the "smuggling drugs for your abusive meth-addled SO" variety. A saying goes, "we fail toward success." Be there for your young friend but don't ever lecture. That will only make her/him defensive and lessen the chances of her/him taking any advice from you in the future.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:23 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


Another vote for don't say anything. These things usually end in an awkward try at Thanksgiving to spend time together, only to find out they've become different people.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:23 PM on January 2, 2010


Don't say anything. People need to live and learn on their own with these sorts of things. You offering this unsolicited advice might only plant doubts and cause unnecessary anxiety, causing more problems. Let things work out how they may. There is no way to offer this opinion of yours without coming off patronizing and a little like a jerk.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:06 PM on January 2, 2010


Because this is such a slam dunk (these relationships almost never work out), I would say something.
posted by Zambrano at 5:17 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Why don't you just give some examples of difficult distance relationships you've seen? Since you were asked for advice I wouldn't worry too much about coming across as lecturey, and narratives are a great way of avoiding appearing condescending, IMO.
posted by ropeladder at 5:33 PM on January 2, 2010


You mentioned that she was seeking your opinion, so you've been asked for advice, and I think you should be honest, but I would temper the absolutes contained in your assertions above. These relationships may or may not work out, there are too many variables to say for sure. I've known of situations that went down in flames, but I also know high school sweethearts who went to different colleges and are happily married for several years. If she's seeking reassurance, give it to her in the form of we can't predict the future, but you do know that whatever happens, even if that includes heartbreak, it will be for the best in the long run.

You may also want to suggest to her that they relax the boundaries of their exclusivity a bit so they can be open to new people and experiences without it actually entering cheating territory. Being able to date other people, as long as everyone is safe and is honest about significant experiences, can really work in these situations. She may bristle at this idea, but then again, it might just release the pressure enough that these two people can sustain this relationship.
posted by katemcd at 5:54 PM on January 2, 2010


Response by poster: It appears I wasn't clear enough in my question so I apologize for that. I'm not thinking of just butting into this person's life with my opinion like some know it all adult. I was sought out by them for my opinion due to an off hand comment that I made about long term relationships without knowing she was about to be in one.

Specifically she sent me an email wanting to know why it is that I'm against them. My original comment was something like "LDR's never work" in a casual conversation if that helps. So I think at this point I can't really just say nothing. I'm more just trying to think of the right way to phrase my opinion so I don't sound condescending, patronizing, or more worried.

And obviously I know that I cannot see the future and that they could end up together happily together years from now, if that's what they want (as somebody pointed out). My goal is just to try help her have realistic expectations, and relieve some of the pressure and worry.
posted by trojanhorse at 5:55 PM on January 2, 2010


(Damn preview. Now I have to re-write, and can't take the as high a holier-than-thou ground)

Ok, since you've been specifically asked why you have this view about LDRs, then I suppose you'd be obligated to give specific examples of what you're using to draw your erroneous narrowly applicable rule from.

I might have accepted this viewpoint as insightful when I was in Elementary School; anytime after that, I'd have considered your viewpoint hopelessly narrow and uninformed.

Why? Not because I have a delusion that I'm better in any way imaginable, but because there's so much historical evidence to refute it. And, the older I get, the more personal instances I see. (Although, when I was 17, I was a pretty special cat -- God & I had worked out a deal where we'd switch places for a second, and see how that went. Something came up, but keep your eye out, 'case the deal's still on the table..)(but that's another story)

I could see mentioning points #2,#,3,#4 without specific solicitation -- although I'd present them in order #3,#4.#2. They've probably heard this a few times, but generally seem polite about hearing it again, and more encouragement as they go out into the great big new world is probably, in general, a good thing.

"Hey, your going to SuperCoolSchool XYZ? I just wanna tell you, this is going to change your life; you're gonna meet some truly awesome folks there, folks with backgrounds you'd never encounter if you stayed here. Now, don't go overboard -- there's only so much a person can do (so, don't fer instance, stack up 23 credit hours your first term), but, as an old gezzer, I gotta tell you, you're in for the time of your life! Hey, best of luck, I'll let you get back to your friends now.."

Yeah, they've probably heard this a few times..

Again: Specific examples, not general rules. Stories, not lectures. Hope this helps
posted by Tuesday After Lunch at 6:24 PM on January 2, 2010


Specifically she sent me an email wanting to know why it is that I'm against them. My original comment was something like "LDR's never work" in a casual conversation if that helps.

Uh, I don't think anyone was "seeking your advice" on their relationship. She felt that you offered up an opinion that indirectly knocked her relationship, and so can't resist asking you what you meant by that.

Luckily, you needn't worry, because nothing you say to her will have any effect on how she decides to proceed with her boyfriend.
posted by palliser at 6:51 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]


Luckily, you needn't worry, because nothing you say to her will have any effect on how she decides to proceed with her boyfriend.

This. If you have to say something, be nice. But you are about as likely to change her mind as you would be if you were to argue to a person who wants to get married in high school that this is a bad idea. True-- it usually is. But not always. And people who are in love are not going to listen and that's probably a good thing.
posted by Maias at 7:01 PM on January 2, 2010 [2 favorites]


You asked "am I way off base on this?" The answer is, yes, you are. You're not in their relationship. The fact that a relationship you've had or witnessed in the past turned out to be (or appear to be) "unnecessary torture" has nothing to do with them, nor does that experience give you enough information to extrapolate to giving them advice. If you have some specific reason to believe that their relationship is no good, tell her that. Otherwise, I'd answer her question by telling her that you once saw (or experienced) a long distance relationship go wrong, and that has made you cautious personally, but that different people are different and she needs to evaluate her own relationship for herself. You may want to apologize for shooting your mouth off about other people's relationships, but at the very least, you need to make it clear that you can't predict the future of her relationship and that she should make her own decisions.
posted by decathecting at 7:24 PM on January 2, 2010


My original comment was something like "LDR's never work" in a casual conversation if that helps. So I think at this point I can't really just say nothing.

What you need to say now is not something to justify "LDRs never work", it is to apologise for it. As palliser says, she's not asking you for advice here, she's asking you to substantiate or retract the knock.

I don't think you can make "LDRs don't work" stand up, honestly, unless your only definition of "work" is "last forever and turn into happy ever after". Most of the relationships in our lives don't last forever; a great many of them "work" fine for as long as they do last.

I have been in an LDR, and friends of mine have. Nearly all of us would never do it again; the same amount of people have very few regrets about doing it once. Those relationships worked fine for us, they just didn't work out.

Long-distance relationships teach you a whole lot of things you don't often get the chance to learn in a short-distance relationship. They teach you about yourself, particularly about your approach to long-term fidelity and what loving someone without regular physicality means; and they give you a great emotional escape place -- especially good if you're just starting college. All that for the price of a breakup that sucks just about as much as a regular one? Deal.

It's not "unnecessary emotional torture", it's a good life experience. It's one you're not going to talk them out of anyway, and they're young enough that they're not going to miss out on all the other fun and attractive people.

Apologising for your world-weary cynicism and letting things take their course is your best route now, I think.
posted by bonaldi at 7:31 PM on January 2, 2010 [6 favorites]


I would respond using a lot of I, my and me. As in, *I* think LDRs are a bad idea because of y and z, and my personality is not suited to them. There's a good chance she'll respond refuting why x, y and z apply to her, and if that happens my response would be something like "It sounds like you have it all thought out, good for you, and I'm sure things will work out for the best" and then change the subject and erase the memory from your mind so that you're not tempted to do any "told you so's" in a few months.
posted by forforf at 7:35 PM on January 2, 2010


You should really mind your own business, especially as a person so close to her in age. You are not an authority on this topic simply because of your age. You cannot say anything to this person as a supposed figure of authority or sage advice due to your age/experience without coming off as condescending. You know those friends of yours who are married and feel that they're the font of relationship advice because of their marital status? Think of you how feel when they talk to you, even if they don't bring up their experiences with their spouse. It's patronizing.
posted by theraflu at 9:20 PM on January 2, 2010


I'd say the real problem with keeping the highschool sweetheart is missing out upon valuable opportunities for making new friends when you first reach university. It sounds like her boyfriend starts university now while she remains in highschool, so he pays the real costs in this case, and she loses nothing since she knows everyone in her highschool already. If you must, tell her exactly this, suggesting that she not keep him on the phone continuously, and just ignore the LDR generalities. If she's a junior, tell her to keep her own university choices open.
posted by jeffburdges at 10:25 PM on January 2, 2010


Yes, what jeffburdges said. I had my own LDR with my high school boyfriend going off to college (granted only an hour and a half away)...he talked me into applying to his school (not the best choice for me) and almost literally as soon as I got accepted he flunked out.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:27 PM on January 2, 2010


The question is how to frame his opinion that will not upset her, not whether or not that opinion is valid, nor whether the advice was solicited. Clearly he can't ignore her question.

I agree with bonaldi on this -- a sort of "this is my experience, but don't let that discourage you" tone is the way to go. I've rarely seen relationships in high school survive the distance, but it can happen. A neutral framing of your response would probably be the best option, to be honest.
posted by spiderskull at 10:56 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


What's the point of advising her that LDRs never work when you have to ask other people how to tell her how LDRs never work? Please let teenagers grow up at their own pace.
posted by june made him a gemini at 11:36 PM on January 2, 2010


"I haven't found LDR's sustainable because...." followed by the faults you have personally experienced in them. Because she's a different person from you and may not value the same things you do in a relationship. Or maybe she's not. When you're on ground as complicated as relationships the best any of us can do is offer anecdotes. While I understand wanting to offer caution--I had two LDRs that worked as well as butter shoes--there are exceptions to everything. (My third LDR was a fantastic experience that I would never want to change for anything.)

Now if she's asking "Why do you say that?" and you don't have any 1st person supporting evidence then you say "I'm sorry, I was just talking out of my ass." and move on. To do anything else would prove something else, not in any way to your credit.
posted by Ookseer at 12:52 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


I don't actually think it matters what you say. When you are 16-20 years old and you are in luurrvve, no one has ever loved as you have loved. You will be the exception to every rule, and anyone who says differently just doesn't understand the depth of your passion.

And then you break up at Christmas just like everyone else.

Maybe you should approach it as advising her to keep an open mind as she goes to college? To get out and experience college life, rather than sitting on the phone/im/skype? That's really the important point; the relationship will sort itself out soon enough.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 8:38 AM on January 3, 2010


It still sounds like you are sort of pushing your opinion on her. This all started with an "off-hand comment" you made.

I'd be careful here. I don't know your background, but I'd ask yourself if any of your prior experiences are driving your need to essentially rain on her parade. Sometimes we can think we are helping, when we are really trying to work out something we experienced ourselves.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:21 PM on January 3, 2010


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