Anniversary of friend's toddler's death coming up

December 27, 2009 4:42 PM

My friend's two year old daughter passed away suddenly last January. I am planning to send flowers on the anniversary of her passing. But before doing so, I wanted to make sure this is an appropriate gesture to mark the day. If yes- should the flowers be lilies? What kind of lilies? If not lilies, what other flowers are appropriate? If it matters, they live in another state, and I sent a donation to their designated charity on the child's birthday, along with a note. thank you
posted by mrmarley to Society & Culture (46 answers total)

I don't know what an appropriate flower choice would be, but I would think long and hard about whether this is something you should do in the first place. I know for me I would probably find that day intensely hard enough, an additional reminder from someone would just make it harder. Obviously I don't know how close you are to your friends and you would obviously know better what they would appreciate/want, but in case they wanted to try to let it pass without acknowledgment (to make it easier) I wouldn't want to force a reminder upon them.
posted by gwenlister at 4:50 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

If they have a place to plant it outside in the spring, I would send a small flowering plant (like a miniature rose). If not, lilies are nice and appropriate. They should be white, which symbolizes innocence. I also think an arrangement of small white or pink (or both) rose buds would be nice.
posted by fifilaru at 4:50 PM on December 27, 2009

I think that lilies send the wrong message. The thought of your sending anything is allusion enough to the event itself -- might as well send them something bright that will warm the heart and home and not scream "Death!" at them every time they look at it.
posted by hermitosis at 4:53 PM on December 27, 2009 [6 favorites]

First of all, i'm extremely sorry to hear this. Very sad.

I don't know if flowers on the day of death is actually an appropriate gesture. It might be, I don't know, kind of hurtful unless they actually do something themselves to commemorate that day-- and they want everyone to remember it.

I think it's good you sent a donation on her birthday.... her birthday should be celebrated.
posted by OrangeSoda at 4:53 PM on December 27, 2009

I think it's a nice gesture (but maybe inappropriate if you are not at all close with this friend). There's no way the family won't "be reminded" about the anniversary, and it might be nice to know that a friend is thinking about the family and their child.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 4:55 PM on December 27, 2009

If it were me, I think I would appreciate flowers and a note to mark a difficult day. I think I would want flowers that I like and probably not an arrangement that seems like flowers for a funeral, but that's just me.


I think reminding your friend that you're thinking of her and that she's not alone is kind and loving.
posted by shesbookish at 4:57 PM on December 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

I also agree this is not a good idea. Losing a child in death is one of the hardest things for a human being to go through.

If you feel that you must do something, an anonymous donation is the way to go. Your friend does not any additional reminders of their child's passing.
posted by camworld at 4:57 PM on December 27, 2009

You should definitely send something. People often find that others forget their losses before they do, and it can be wonderful to know that someone is still thinking of you. It is not intrusive at all to remember someone on the first anniversary of a death, which will be hard, I'm sure. When I have done things like this it has always been appreciated.

As to flowers, I just don't know. My own gesture would be a "thinking of you" card, something blank I could write my own message in. But fifliaru's suggestions sound good to me.
posted by not that girl at 4:57 PM on December 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

I work for a florist.

There are different types of lilies-Asiatics generally come in orange and yellow along with white and an ugly kind of pink (ugly to me) and callas are muy expensive and you might have to special order them.

I'm thinking a small mixed arrangement with daisies, carnations, and maybe some pink roses might be nice-but my main suggestion is to call your local florist and talk it over with them. Depending on their selection (which may vary by your location) I'm sure they'll have an appropriate suggestion. Tell them you want a "designer's choice" arrangement which will get you something cheaper and prettier than teleflora or ftd-but it doesn't hurt to look online at those types of arrangements to give you some ideas of what types of flowers you are interested in.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:08 PM on December 27, 2009

(I didn't mention stargazer lilies because altho beautiful I don't think they'd work for what you want. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:08 PM on December 27, 2009

(Oh, I didn't notice they live in another state. Okay, my other suggestion is to google florists in THEIR area and talk to them directly. They should have a toll free number on their website and should be able to take credit/debit cards over the phone. You don't want to just order online because you have no way of knowing if what you want is in stock, plus, again, you will save money. If you wire flowers from YOUR local florist you will be paying extra for the privilege.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:11 PM on December 27, 2009

I see that opinions are divided, but I come down firmly on the side of "Yes, do this." Do something at any rate. I have recently been through something similar, when a cousin of mine lost her baby in childbirth. Two years later, she expressed her intense desire that her baby, and the baby's life/death, not be forgotten. Yes, she has moved on, but she is still in a part of mourning. So my gift to her was simply a letter expressing my continued sympathies, and some other general nice thoughts. You could do that. Or flowers, or a plant that they can keep & grow.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:12 PM on December 27, 2009

I think it's always appropriate to acknowledge friends when they are going through a difficult time. And, there is absolutely no chance that flowers would remind them of the day's significance -- they remember it every single day. Sending flowers lets them know they aren't alone in their grief, and that their child has not been forgotten.

I think white lilies sound lovely.
posted by Houstonian at 5:12 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Daisies, I think, would be a sweet choice.

I believe there is no question that your friends will be thinking of their daughter on that day. Any thoughtful gesture would be (in my opinion) received as you thinking of the difficulties they are going through, rather than a cruelty. I used to write to my late friend's parents every now and then, back in my home town, always with a little anecdote about her. I heard from another friend that they carried those letters around and treasured them as someone else remembering their daughter.

So no wreaths, no lilies. You're thinking of them and their daughter, not their daughter's death. Clearly, also, not red roses, but perhaps pink ones or peach coloured, with babies breath, or maybe a cheerful gerbera bouquet. Um, also, I'd avoid balloons and other celebratory attachments.
posted by b33j at 5:13 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

I understand what you are trying to do, and your heart is in the right place, but I think I'd tweak this a bit. Maybe rather than the exact date, I'd do something a week or so before, like write a personal note saying you know this is an incredibly difficult time and you were thinking of them, and offer to take them out for a nice lunch or something when they're feeling up to it. I think I would want to emphasize caring for them rather than mourning the loss of their little girl because people grieve so differently and the mourning is already implied when you acknowledge it's a difficult time of year. Also, unfortunately, a lot of people tend to distance themselves from those who have experienced tragedy. Simple things like still being around to take your friend to dinner and to send a note are actually huge. If you want to do something that seems like more of a memorial, along the same lines of what you did for her birthday, how about donating two children's books to the local library in her name?
posted by katemcd at 5:19 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why not just call them and let them know you're thinking of them?
posted by beepbeepboopboop at 5:28 PM on December 27, 2009

Gladiolas are a beautiful alternative to lilies. They're often used in sympathy arrangements. But they come in gorgeous colors, and each color can mean different things. If you want to send flowers (I'm on the "yes" side of this, because flowers almost never hurt) you could send some yellow gladiolas. Fresh ones will continue to bloom for a week or so, from the top to the bottom of the stem. Yellow is a color of remembrance. Try to contact a florist local to your friends, and stress simplicity.
posted by Mizu at 5:29 PM on December 27, 2009

A friend of mine lost her two-year-old daughter just a month ago. She's stated several times that her friends' and family's support have been invaluable. Like others have stated, that support will be needed on the anniversary. I don't have any recommendations for flowers, but I think doing anything to let the parents know you're thinking of them will be more than welcome and comforting.
posted by puritycontrol at 5:30 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd suggest that your gesture might be better to receive on a weekend date, or evening, rather than at the beginning or middle of a work day -- if the recipient is working. I still remember the time I received difficult news in the middle of a work day -- not considerate.
posted by amtho at 5:40 PM on December 27, 2009

Also - a note is good, flowers or other remembrance is good, but a phone call might be very appropriate here. Just say hello and let the person feel connected to you.
posted by amtho at 5:41 PM on December 27, 2009

I disagree that you should let this slide and not send anything. One thing I have learned over the last year is that Americans deal with death in a weird way. We ignore it.
Your friend had, what is most likely, his or her dearest love die before the child could experience a full, complete life. When the child died, everyone supported your friend.
I imagine his or her experience was similar to my friends' in that people expected him or her to get over it in a few months.
When a person dies in this country, you are supposed to mourn for a few weeks and then move on with your life. We no longer have external indicators of mourning such as black clothes or armbands. We don't have prescribed periods of mourning. People used to mourn for, sometimes, up to a year. Today, we support them for a short time and then suggest therapy if they seem to mourn for any significant length of time.
If people ask your friend how many kids he or she has, they will be shocked if the friend counts the dead child, even though that child is still one he or she has had and loves dearly. So, by the time the first year anniversary rolls around, we make comments like, "Don't acknowledge the death, they have enough reminding them of it."

I support sending her flowers. You will be one of the few people who acknowledges that the loss continues to be a huge scar on the psyche and a vast emptiness in his or her life. If you acknowledge the loss and that other people than the immediate family feel and remember the loss, it will mean more than anything. Nothing you can do will "remind he more" of the loss. Almost anything you do to acknowledge the passing of the child will show that he or she has support and love and that it is okay to still mourn.

Contemplate sending a donation to a relevant charity.
posted by Seamus at 5:56 PM on December 27, 2009 [11 favorites]

I am the mother of a dead child. I haven't forgotten her and anyone that thinks a floral arrangment is going to "remind" me of someone I think about everyday is, quite frankly, nuts.

Bless you for being kind in a thoughtless world. A cheery arrangment, delivered at home (even a few days before the anniversary) would be my preference .
posted by saucysault at 6:02 PM on December 27, 2009 [24 favorites]

I'll come down on the side of "yes, do this." We lost my brother 11 years ago now and I know my parents appreciate the cards and flowers they still get on the anniversary of his death (he was quite a bit older than your friend's daughter but I don't think that matters here). I'm sure that any acknowledgement that you are thinking of them, and even better, any happy memory of how their daughter touched your life that you can share would be appreciated.

As others have mentioned, bright cheery flowers like gerbera daisies are best. In fact, I would strongly recommend staying away from lilies, roses or any other strongly fragrant flower - the smell of them can be so reminiscent of funerals that they may trigger a more visceral reaction than expected.
posted by platinum at 6:03 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you are at all religious, or if they are, consult your local parish (or their local parish) about having a week of masses said in the little girl's name. I just passed the one-year anniversary of the death of my best friend and to commemorate it, I had two weeks of masses ($75 donation) said at the church of his burial. His mother called me earlier today and said that she was so touched by the thought of having an entire church praying for her son that it meant more to her than I will ever know.
posted by banannafish at 6:08 PM on December 27, 2009

I was coming to say what saucysault said - not from the personal experience of losing a child, but of supporting a friend through his loss. He told me frequently that after the initial loss, no one ever mentioned his child again. That hurt him because it felt like everyone had forgotten this amazing little spirit.

Flowers would be lovely, but I wouldn't send lilies. Camellias which bloom in December / January would be a nice plant to send if they live somewhere that the plant would thrive outdoors.
posted by 26.2 at 6:15 PM on December 27, 2009

Go ahead and send something, the flowers sound great or a card or a note or a phone call. It doesn't have to be on the day but can be, or just near it.
To those who think a gesture like this will aggravate the pain of the loss, I say: Screw that! Let them know you are thinking of them and the child. Not a day goes by in their lives since the loss that they are not pained by it! The only way most people "live on" past their death is in a living person's memory or some other formal remembrance (a beautiful exception is in organ donation, I think).
Of course, no one can "do" anything about the facts, but to remember the child to the parents at such a time is a profound act of love and support. It's not like I think I could speak for all parents who have lost a child, but I am one, and those who had the courage to remember her to me (especially when the loss was fresh) were much comfort, and very greatly appreciated.
posted by bebrave! at 6:16 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Absolutely do this. I have never experienced such a heartbreaking loss, but everything I have read by people who have says DO make the gesture, DO say the words, no matter how awkward or inadequate. The worst seems to be the feeling that everyone has forgotten and gone on with their lives while the parents are left isolated in their grief.

That day will inevitably be an ordeal for your friend, but surely it would be lightened a tiny bit, not made harder in any way, by knowing that someone is thinking of her enough to do something kind.

I like the idea of a living plant -- maybe a white lilac or azalea.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:21 PM on December 27, 2009

Yes, please do this. Pick a cheerful flower, such as daisies or sunflowers, and include a note about how much you love her.
posted by decathecting at 6:51 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Definitely do this. Knowing that their child is remembered by others will bring some comfort to this family. I don't think the type of flowers matters as much as the act itself and the accompanying note. I think it will mean so much to this family that you pushed past the difficulty and awkwardness of perhaps not knowing what to say, and just decided to speak up anyway. Letting them know that you remember, you care and that their precious little girl is missed by you too, will help make a very sad day a little more bearable. Good for you for doing this.
posted by Kangaroo at 6:51 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Whether they choose to or not, they will spend all day/week/month in awareness that this is the anniversary. Your flowers won't "remind" them of anything. In fact, I think they would be a welcome reminder that they are not alone, that someone else out there realizes this, and remembers their child.
posted by availablelight at 6:55 PM on December 27, 2009

My mother died very suddenly, and a family friend sent me a card around the one year anniversary mark. It meant so much to me, and it was enormously comforting to receive support from outside the immediate family network.

Fresh flowers are always so beautiful! I might stay away from typical "funeral" flowers like lilies and choose something something more lively -- you can call a florist in their area and ask what they recommend. They'll suggest whatever is freshest and looks best.

This is extremely thoughtful of you -- Grief is too terrible to suffer alone. We all get so worried about the "right" thing to do just when people need us the most, in any way we can be present.
posted by missmary6 at 7:08 PM on December 27, 2009

Yes, do it, it means a lot to people. You might want to find out what the religious traditions of the family are-- there are some religions that don't do flowers for funerals so might not do them for anniversaries of deaths. Even if you get this wrong vis a vis their tradition, most people would be happy that you are thinking of them and their loss and yeah, it's completely insane to think that someone who lost a child would not be thinking about it everyday, let alone fail to think about it on first year anniversary and suddenly be "reminded" by a nice gesture like this.
posted by Maias at 7:15 PM on December 27, 2009

Absolutely send flowers. I haven't lost a child - I've never had a child - but in my experience of grief, having other people acknowledge the pain meant so much to me, and helped me deal with my own grief. As many upthread have stated, sending flowers etc will help the family know that you remember, and having other people remember and mark the day with me helped a lot.
posted by jonathanstrange at 7:20 PM on December 27, 2009

I just wanted to chime in with a vote for : "yes, send something nice, but not lilies." I like the small potted plant idea. I sent my grandmother a beautiful bonsai azalea for Mother's Day that she loved.
I agree that it would be very nice to send them some kind of uplifting gift that lets them know you're thinking of them. Don't send funeral flowers.
posted by purpletangerine at 7:33 PM on December 27, 2009

Just in case it isn't completely obvious -
please, please note that so far, all the people who indicate they have experienced the loss of a child, or are relating the experience of a friend, have come down heavily on the 'Yes, please do this' side, while none of the very well meaning people who have said "Don't do this" have indicated the same (not saying that they *haven't* experienced this though, but note the side of the swell).

To feel that their child's life has been forgotten or ignored would be far more hurtful to me.

I would also sway away from a funeral-style bouquet, but ask instead if the florists could make a bouquet appropriate for a child? Small, brightly coloured, with daisies etc unless you can think of some flowers that you particularly associated with your friends and/or their daughter.
Basically, something to remind them of the good times and the love they had for their daughter.

I also appreciate that you posted that you are in another state, and so the suggestions for meeting up for coffee, were very good, but not practical, still - you could perhaps ask for your phone number to be written on the note, which lets them know that you are there for them, and willing to talk.


P.S. I would be more inclined to send the flowers for their birthday, than their deathday, but support on each day is appreciated. In my family, there are a flurry of emails and reminders to each other to ring those who have been particularly hard hit by family deaths around the loved ones death and birthday.

P.P.S. Please keep in mind, in my family, we actually had an '80th Birthday' party this year in honour of my Grandfather, for my grandmother. As in, the whole extended family showed up with food, my Nana blew out the cake and cried and smiled, and we showed pictures and told stories of Grandad to the youngest generation who never knew him. (You missed out, kid!)
posted by Elysum at 7:35 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Please listen to platinum - I would strongly recommend staying away from lilies, roses or any other strongly fragrant flower - the smell of them can be so reminiscent of funerals that they may trigger a more visceral reaction than expected.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:47 PM on December 27, 2009

My dear friends lost a child at birth. They will always remember that day, and are always appreciative of remembrances of their child. A phonecall, card or flowers is really thoughtful. Doesn't have to be lilies; visit the florist and see what's freshest.
posted by theora55 at 8:00 PM on December 27, 2009

I think flowers (especially bright, cheery ones) are a wonderful idea. You're a great friend for thinking of it.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:55 PM on December 27, 2009

I would think that a better option is just a phone call with "hey, how are you holding up today? Need someone to chat with?", but that's just me. Flowers don't mean anything, really.
posted by swimming naked when the tide goes out at 1:02 AM on December 28, 2009

Joining those who say you should go with your instinct to mark the occasion in some way.
If you absolutely want to send something, why not a plant that will continue to grow? I certainly wouldn't send lilies or roses.
A phone call would also be appropriate.
posted by Paris Elk at 4:29 AM on December 28, 2009

Regarding a growing plant, don't do if you know they're hopeless gardeners. I gave a friend a rosemary plant for remembrance (for her late father) and it died. I wished I'd thought that one through a bit better.
posted by b33j at 4:39 AM on December 28, 2009

I'd send the flowers but would shy away from linking the flowers too explicitly with the child's death. I wouldn't make the arrangement too funereal (or too celebratory) and would just keep the note in a "thinking of you" strain. I'm sure your friend will be able to make the connection.
posted by orange swan at 6:00 AM on December 28, 2009

You're immensely thoughtful to remember your friend. As others have said, one of the many confounding and isolating aspects of mourning is how quickly you're expected to "get over it," which apparently means total amnesia regarding the person you've lost. By the time the anniversary rolls around, everyone else has moved on with their lives and most people don't quite get why you can't too. (Of course you do move on with your life; you can't help it. But that doesn't mean you ever "get over it.")

A phone call is a nice gesture but not nearly as helpful as something tangible. I like the idea of something cheerful and bright, and living/plantable if that's practical and appropriate. (Do they have a green thumb? A yard they're likely to own for a while?)

I especially like b33j's approach: a short, sincere note focusing on the child herself. If you can conjure her up in memory, try doing it on paper. Some shared event would be great but even if you only met her a few times, she must have left some impression. The more specific you can be in the details, the better. Don't worry about making your friend "feel worse" or "miss her daughter more" or anything like that; you can't.

You're a good friend, mrmarley.
posted by dogrose at 7:32 AM on December 28, 2009

Maybe it's just my weird friends, but a number of people in my life really dislike getting flowers and find them problematic for reasons that are obscure to me. I think it's wonderful that you want to acknowledge this day though, and I bet you'll stand out as a friend who is willing to notice what's happening rather than willfully ignore it out of a loss for how to react "correctly".

If it were me, I'd send a very simple card saying you're thinking of them on this day and perhaps reminding them that you're available to help in whatever way you can from far away.
posted by serazin at 8:47 AM on December 28, 2009

I always appreciate when someone remembers my daughter's birthday, and I always appreciate being given space around the day she died.
posted by togdon at 10:47 AM on December 28, 2009

My younger brother died at age 3 and we just reached the 21st anniversary of his death. While home for Christmas, I noticed that a close family friend had sent a card to my parents with the message "Thinking of you and your angel in heaven, Blake." I thought, Wow. That's amazing. Because every December 6th, I know that's the day. My parents and older brother will never forget the date. It's nice to know that we're not the only ones who remember. Granted, we've had time and the overwhelming grief is not an issue, but I promise, no matter how they choose to mark or not mark the anniversary, they will not be able to pass the date without thinking about it.

Any way that you let them know that you acknowledge the terrible, terrible loss they have suffered will be appreciated. A handwritten note is increasingly rare and therefore increasingly meaningful and thoughtful. Write them a note; if they need someone to lean on, they'll know that you're there.
posted by elliss at 12:21 PM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]