Why am I in love with my husband's best friend?
December 17, 2009 2:10 PM Subscribe
I have an excellent relationship with my husband. So why am I in love with his best friend? And what, if anything, should I do about it?
My husband and I have been together for ten years, we have a kid, and I love being with him. Our relationship is fairly egalitarian and we have an active sex life. So why can't I stop obsessing over this friend of his? He lives very far away from us, and we don't see him often. But if I'm even in the same state as he is I begin to think about him. A lot. The last time we visited him I just couldn't stop thinking about him for weeks afterwards. We do not flirt and I don't think he knows how I feel about him and I'd like it to stay that way. I should say that my husband is far more attractive than his friend and we are MUCH better suited to each other than his friend and I would be. This isn't the first "crush" I've developed since my husband and I have been together, but it is the first one that didn't go away. I have no interest in leaving my husband and I don't think I'd have a better relationship with his friend in any way. But it doesn't stop me from dwelling on him in my mind and I'd like it to stop.
I think it's related to wanting to feel the "new-ness" of a relationship all over again. Having been with my husband for a long time, even though it's a great relationship, doesn't have the urgency of a new relationship. Of course if I ever pursued anything with anyone else (which I would never do while I am still together with my husband), eventually we would reach the same point that I am at right now, missing the feeling of being passionately and newly in love again.
My husband and I have been together for ten years, we have a kid, and I love being with him. Our relationship is fairly egalitarian and we have an active sex life. So why can't I stop obsessing over this friend of his? He lives very far away from us, and we don't see him often. But if I'm even in the same state as he is I begin to think about him. A lot. The last time we visited him I just couldn't stop thinking about him for weeks afterwards. We do not flirt and I don't think he knows how I feel about him and I'd like it to stay that way. I should say that my husband is far more attractive than his friend and we are MUCH better suited to each other than his friend and I would be. This isn't the first "crush" I've developed since my husband and I have been together, but it is the first one that didn't go away. I have no interest in leaving my husband and I don't think I'd have a better relationship with his friend in any way. But it doesn't stop me from dwelling on him in my mind and I'd like it to stop.
I think it's related to wanting to feel the "new-ness" of a relationship all over again. Having been with my husband for a long time, even though it's a great relationship, doesn't have the urgency of a new relationship. Of course if I ever pursued anything with anyone else (which I would never do while I am still together with my husband), eventually we would reach the same point that I am at right now, missing the feeling of being passionately and newly in love again.
I went into a pretty big funk when, about three years into marriage, I wasn't ever going to have a first kiss again.
Man, I love a first kiss.
Anyway... I've had a string of crushes throughout my marriage. I have several right now. I always tell my husband when I'm developing a crush, because it's that feeling of secrecy that makes it feel wrong. I know I'm not going to *do* anything. And the crushes always fade, to be replaced with a new one. Some of them last a lot longer than others. (I've had one since I was six years old!) But what I have with my husband is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the rush of a thousand first kisses.
So this isn't really helpful on the "how do I get over it" side of things, but realize it's pretty normal and okay, and just let the crushes come and go and don't beat yourself up over it. It's fine to enjoy the fantasy a bit.
posted by ferociouskitty at 2:27 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Man, I love a first kiss.
Anyway... I've had a string of crushes throughout my marriage. I have several right now. I always tell my husband when I'm developing a crush, because it's that feeling of secrecy that makes it feel wrong. I know I'm not going to *do* anything. And the crushes always fade, to be replaced with a new one. Some of them last a lot longer than others. (I've had one since I was six years old!) But what I have with my husband is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the rush of a thousand first kisses.
So this isn't really helpful on the "how do I get over it" side of things, but realize it's pretty normal and okay, and just let the crushes come and go and don't beat yourself up over it. It's fine to enjoy the fantasy a bit.
posted by ferociouskitty at 2:27 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
This isn't the first "crush" I've developed since my husband and I have been together, but it is the first one that didn't go away.
Every time you say to yourself "uh oh I'm in love with this guy," immediately follow that up with "wait, no, it's a crush and that is really, really different." W/r/t the way you tagged this question, it is also not infidelity. Starve these feelings of the emphasis you put on them.
posted by griphus at 2:30 PM on December 17, 2009 [7 favorites]
Every time you say to yourself "uh oh I'm in love with this guy," immediately follow that up with "wait, no, it's a crush and that is really, really different." W/r/t the way you tagged this question, it is also not infidelity. Starve these feelings of the emphasis you put on them.
posted by griphus at 2:30 PM on December 17, 2009 [7 favorites]
I wonder what this friend has about him that your husband, and seemingly 99% of other men, do not?
Is the friend doing something with his life, work or spare time, that you particularly admire? (volunteering for charities, political work, musician etc.)
Does the friend appear wild, idealistic or carefree? Whereas your husband is a family man and probably spends his time doing what are, in essence, mundane things. (DIY, housework, helping raise your child etc.)
posted by selton at 2:32 PM on December 17, 2009
Is the friend doing something with his life, work or spare time, that you particularly admire? (volunteering for charities, political work, musician etc.)
Does the friend appear wild, idealistic or carefree? Whereas your husband is a family man and probably spends his time doing what are, in essence, mundane things. (DIY, housework, helping raise your child etc.)
posted by selton at 2:32 PM on December 17, 2009
Why am I in love with my husband's best friend?
You're not. You're just having fantasies about something new and exciting - I doubt it has much to do with the particular friend at all. You can either wait for it to run its course as an internal fantasy, or talk to your husband about trying to spice things up (you don't need to mention the specific fantasy that sparked the idea, just say you want to try new things). But it's not love. You're just a little stuck in a routine and looking for something you haven't tried before.
posted by mdn at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2009 [4 favorites]
You're not. You're just having fantasies about something new and exciting - I doubt it has much to do with the particular friend at all. You can either wait for it to run its course as an internal fantasy, or talk to your husband about trying to spice things up (you don't need to mention the specific fantasy that sparked the idea, just say you want to try new things). But it's not love. You're just a little stuck in a routine and looking for something you haven't tried before.
posted by mdn at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2009 [4 favorites]
A couple of things. First, accept your humaness. Accept that you can have crushes while in a committed relationship. A committed monogamous relationship is a mutual agreement not to act on crushes.
So, what to do? You have already set out your goals--you wish to stay monogamous and you would like the limerance and intrusive feelings you are feeling to be less of a problem for you. It is a good sign that you know what you want.
First, learn not to fight the feelings while not acting on them. That is accept them for what they are, which are feelings you are not required to act on. They do not predict the future and they don't tell us about what other people think. They are not a window to any truth as many a rejected soul can tell you. The better you are with understanding these feelings the better off you will be.
Acknowledge also that you've done pretty well with these feelings. Never acted upon them, never flirted. That's pretty good. And its a record you can trust yourself with.
But there's a reason why you focus on this guy, and it likely isn't him. Instead, look to the things that are going on in your life that you don't want to think about. That is usually the source of obsession beyond a simple crush. Look at your work life or other aspects of your family life. Find sources of stress and strain in your life and allow yourself to feel them.
Finally, look into past issues that you might not have processed fully. Any problems with your family, mate or a past relationship that you've experienced? Maybe you have to experience feelings from those times. Therapy always helps.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2009 [3 favorites]
So, what to do? You have already set out your goals--you wish to stay monogamous and you would like the limerance and intrusive feelings you are feeling to be less of a problem for you. It is a good sign that you know what you want.
First, learn not to fight the feelings while not acting on them. That is accept them for what they are, which are feelings you are not required to act on. They do not predict the future and they don't tell us about what other people think. They are not a window to any truth as many a rejected soul can tell you. The better you are with understanding these feelings the better off you will be.
Acknowledge also that you've done pretty well with these feelings. Never acted upon them, never flirted. That's pretty good. And its a record you can trust yourself with.
But there's a reason why you focus on this guy, and it likely isn't him. Instead, look to the things that are going on in your life that you don't want to think about. That is usually the source of obsession beyond a simple crush. Look at your work life or other aspects of your family life. Find sources of stress and strain in your life and allow yourself to feel them.
Finally, look into past issues that you might not have processed fully. Any problems with your family, mate or a past relationship that you've experienced? Maybe you have to experience feelings from those times. Therapy always helps.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2009 [3 favorites]
Maybe you can get your new romance fix via romance novels... there's lots of flavors of those out there. Being single, I tend to stay away from those nowadays because they leave me at risk for having some idealistic notions of how a romance should/can play out and hence great disappointment... but you're married and happy and just wanting the rush of it. I assure you, they're generally very entertaining, ridiculous reads that will hit the spot like so much chocolate.
posted by lizbunny at 2:36 PM on December 17, 2009
posted by lizbunny at 2:36 PM on December 17, 2009
I have a crazy theory about this sort of thing. I have no idea if I am right, and I bet there are all sorts of religions and cults that have special names for the things I am about to describe, but here goes FWIW...
You and the friend are doing some sort of energy exchange thingy. When you think about him, you're "sending" him your attention/energy. He's probably aware of this on some level, but it probably isn't on purpose!
Is this person particularly charismatic? Those types are usually pretty good at "hooking" into other folks and keeping their attention. Again, most people are not aware they're doing it per se, it's just how they are.
The energy thing is OK if it is flowing back and forth and with mutual consent. It's probably not OK in your case. It's a (albeit subtle) betrayal of your marriage, yes? All of the time you spend thinking about the guy should be time spent thinking of yourself and your family.
When you spend energy thing about the guy (or any guy not your husband) only he benefits - let's call this Negative Flow. When you spend energy thinking of yourself and your family, and they're thinking of you, well that's obviously Positive Flow.
Keep yourself in Positive Flow from now on.
(ps. you sound a little ambivalent about your husband and child. if this tone I sense was not just a quirk of the written word, but something you in fact can identify with, you might want to deeply examine that.)
posted by jbenben at 2:40 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
You and the friend are doing some sort of energy exchange thingy. When you think about him, you're "sending" him your attention/energy. He's probably aware of this on some level, but it probably isn't on purpose!
Is this person particularly charismatic? Those types are usually pretty good at "hooking" into other folks and keeping their attention. Again, most people are not aware they're doing it per se, it's just how they are.
The energy thing is OK if it is flowing back and forth and with mutual consent. It's probably not OK in your case. It's a (albeit subtle) betrayal of your marriage, yes? All of the time you spend thinking about the guy should be time spent thinking of yourself and your family.
When you spend energy thing about the guy (or any guy not your husband) only he benefits - let's call this Negative Flow. When you spend energy thinking of yourself and your family, and they're thinking of you, well that's obviously Positive Flow.
Keep yourself in Positive Flow from now on.
(ps. you sound a little ambivalent about your husband and child. if this tone I sense was not just a quirk of the written word, but something you in fact can identify with, you might want to deeply examine that.)
posted by jbenben at 2:40 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I think this is something that's pretty common in a lot of long-term relationships (if you've ever seen stats on how many people fantasise about someone else when making love, it would blow your mind).
I have the same thing sometimes, or even sometimes if I have a dream (not necessarily sexual) about someone else in my life, I will find my idle thoughts and feelings turning to them with what feels like an uncontrollable and guilt-inducing frequency.
But ultimately, I think it's harmless. These feelings are not sparked off by any real sense of dissatisfaction or unhappiness with my life/relationship. I feel that they have more effect on me than on anyone else - which is as it should be. And - so long as I don't do anything stupid - they seem ultimately harmless. If the occasional disturbing preoccupation with someone is the price I have to pay for a wonderful, stable relationship that makes me a happier, better person, then so be it. By viewing them as the other side of the 'great relationship' coin, I have been able to better reconcile these feelings in myself, which in turns helps reduce their intensity.
posted by smoke at 2:58 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have the same thing sometimes, or even sometimes if I have a dream (not necessarily sexual) about someone else in my life, I will find my idle thoughts and feelings turning to them with what feels like an uncontrollable and guilt-inducing frequency.
But ultimately, I think it's harmless. These feelings are not sparked off by any real sense of dissatisfaction or unhappiness with my life/relationship. I feel that they have more effect on me than on anyone else - which is as it should be. And - so long as I don't do anything stupid - they seem ultimately harmless. If the occasional disturbing preoccupation with someone is the price I have to pay for a wonderful, stable relationship that makes me a happier, better person, then so be it. By viewing them as the other side of the 'great relationship' coin, I have been able to better reconcile these feelings in myself, which in turns helps reduce their intensity.
posted by smoke at 2:58 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Here's an odd question:
What, specifically, do you do in your head that makes the guy seem so exciting?
You note that on a substantive level, your husband is actually more attractive, a better fit, etc.... so what *tone of voice* do you use when you talk to yourself about this guy? How *big and bright and close* is his image in your mind? Where in your body do you feel the *warmth* as you think about him?
And once you take the time to explicitly catalogue these sensations, and the sequence in which they occur... imagine doing the same things, in the exact same way, with your husband. Imagine it, imagine it, imagine it... and then do it, do it, do it.
Stop right now and experience this personally: *Picture your husband the same way* you do this guy... and talk to yourself about *your husband* in the same way you had been talking about that guy (the way you had been doing, unconsciously, until you stopped to read and *think about this*.) How does picturing and thinking about your husband in this *entirely new* and exciting and enjoyable way let you begin to more deeply appreciate and enjoy about your husband... *as if for the first time*... just because you're seeing that you now *enjoy seeing him* as if he's now fun and new and *mysterious*?
We assign these processes names, like "infatuation" or "crush", as if they are immutable physical objects. But they are in fact processes-- learnable, mutable processes. Learn to run these processes the way you want, with *the person you want*, in order to have the more *satisfying and surprising marriage* you want.
posted by darth_tedious at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2009 [18 favorites]
What, specifically, do you do in your head that makes the guy seem so exciting?
You note that on a substantive level, your husband is actually more attractive, a better fit, etc.... so what *tone of voice* do you use when you talk to yourself about this guy? How *big and bright and close* is his image in your mind? Where in your body do you feel the *warmth* as you think about him?
And once you take the time to explicitly catalogue these sensations, and the sequence in which they occur... imagine doing the same things, in the exact same way, with your husband. Imagine it, imagine it, imagine it... and then do it, do it, do it.
Stop right now and experience this personally: *Picture your husband the same way* you do this guy... and talk to yourself about *your husband* in the same way you had been talking about that guy (the way you had been doing, unconsciously, until you stopped to read and *think about this*.) How does picturing and thinking about your husband in this *entirely new* and exciting and enjoyable way let you begin to more deeply appreciate and enjoy about your husband... *as if for the first time*... just because you're seeing that you now *enjoy seeing him* as if he's now fun and new and *mysterious*?
We assign these processes names, like "infatuation" or "crush", as if they are immutable physical objects. But they are in fact processes-- learnable, mutable processes. Learn to run these processes the way you want, with *the person you want*, in order to have the more *satisfying and surprising marriage* you want.
posted by darth_tedious at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2009 [18 favorites]
Even if it really is love: There comes a point when we decide that we are happy with what we've got, that it suits us, and that it is the best thing for us. You clearly know that a relationship is about much more than love; love is not the sole criterion for a good partnership.
So fine, you're in love with someone else. But the key here is that you're not out of love with your husband. Perhaps if you just accept that you have this love, that you think he's a great person, that in a parallel world you would want him, maybe this love will eventually peter out. A big part of loving someone long-term is the emotional investment you have in them, which you do have with your husband, and you have none in this other guy.
Don't dwell or fantasize, just accept. You are a loving person and you have some love for him. End of story.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
So fine, you're in love with someone else. But the key here is that you're not out of love with your husband. Perhaps if you just accept that you have this love, that you think he's a great person, that in a parallel world you would want him, maybe this love will eventually peter out. A big part of loving someone long-term is the emotional investment you have in them, which you do have with your husband, and you have none in this other guy.
Don't dwell or fantasize, just accept. You are a loving person and you have some love for him. End of story.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
All of the time you spend thinking about the guy should be time spent thinking of yourself and your family.
I know what you're getting at here, and while I tend to agree when people say that the problem with an affair is that it steals work and effort that should be put into strengthening the marriage, a constant inwards focus is expected too often from women and just isn't necessary or healthy IMO.
Anon, is there anyway you can lightheartedly talk about this, or about crushes in general with your husband? It seems like the secrecy and weirdness (to you) of it is creating a kind of feedback loop that I think I've felt, and has always felt horribly claustrophobic to me. Normalizing it as a quirk of being human seems like the way to go.
posted by crabintheocean at 3:11 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I know what you're getting at here, and while I tend to agree when people say that the problem with an affair is that it steals work and effort that should be put into strengthening the marriage, a constant inwards focus is expected too often from women and just isn't necessary or healthy IMO.
Anon, is there anyway you can lightheartedly talk about this, or about crushes in general with your husband? It seems like the secrecy and weirdness (to you) of it is creating a kind of feedback loop that I think I've felt, and has always felt horribly claustrophobic to me. Normalizing it as a quirk of being human seems like the way to go.
posted by crabintheocean at 3:11 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why am I in love with my husband's best friend?
I would argue that what you're feeling is this: safe. See, this guy's not as attractive as your husband, has never flirted with you, is a friend of your husband and lives very far away. In your position, if you were going to crush on anyone, he seems ideal because nothing will ever happen -- there are too many obstacles, too many things that would make the reality of it so much less than the fantasy of it.
So enjoy the fantasy, and don't worry about it; you're not cheating on him, and you're not in love with him. You're just a decade married and so missing those things you can't have any more -- totally normal.
posted by davejay at 3:14 PM on December 17, 2009 [5 favorites]
I would argue that what you're feeling is this: safe. See, this guy's not as attractive as your husband, has never flirted with you, is a friend of your husband and lives very far away. In your position, if you were going to crush on anyone, he seems ideal because nothing will ever happen -- there are too many obstacles, too many things that would make the reality of it so much less than the fantasy of it.
So enjoy the fantasy, and don't worry about it; you're not cheating on him, and you're not in love with him. You're just a decade married and so missing those things you can't have any more -- totally normal.
posted by davejay at 3:14 PM on December 17, 2009 [5 favorites]
a constant inwards focus is expected too often from womenpartners
posted by davejay at 3:15 PM on December 17, 2009
posted by davejay at 3:15 PM on December 17, 2009
It's because you're unhappy with yourself. You're in love with an idea because you think your fantasy is reality and if it came true it would take away all your problems.
It's like those women who are obsessed with Twilight and spend their whole day on internet message boards feeling bad that it's not real and that they aren't Bella and they didn't marry Edward. It's sort of sick, but we're so used to thinking outside of reality in our daydreams that we can't focus on reality.
Have you imagined your crush on the toilet or sniffing cocaine off of exotic dancers' backs in Las Vegas? Try that and see how in love with him you are. I mean, if you're going to fantasize, you should at least do it in ways that won't hurt your marriage.
posted by anniecat at 3:24 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
It's like those women who are obsessed with Twilight and spend their whole day on internet message boards feeling bad that it's not real and that they aren't Bella and they didn't marry Edward. It's sort of sick, but we're so used to thinking outside of reality in our daydreams that we can't focus on reality.
Have you imagined your crush on the toilet or sniffing cocaine off of exotic dancers' backs in Las Vegas? Try that and see how in love with him you are. I mean, if you're going to fantasize, you should at least do it in ways that won't hurt your marriage.
posted by anniecat at 3:24 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
On the one hand, he's someone that your husband has vouched for and brought into your life, so it almost feels like it would be okay. On the other hand, he is the most forbidden. I suspect it is the pull between almost ok to love and strictly verboten that makes this crush more persistent than others.
posted by milarepa at 3:30 PM on December 17, 2009
posted by milarepa at 3:30 PM on December 17, 2009
10 Don't sleep with your husband's best friend.
20 But: okay, this is a decent sign for your relationship with your husband, provided you don't sleep with your husband's best friend or in fact in any way indicate any feelings for your husband's best friend. I remember reading some time ago, on some blog or another, the idea that any given person is the sum of their five closest friends. You are seeing the things that you love in your husband in another person's body; this plus that "newness" stuff you've identified is enough to trigger the reaction you're having.
30 GOTO 10
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 3:31 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
20 But: okay, this is a decent sign for your relationship with your husband, provided you don't sleep with your husband's best friend or in fact in any way indicate any feelings for your husband's best friend. I remember reading some time ago, on some blog or another, the idea that any given person is the sum of their five closest friends. You are seeing the things that you love in your husband in another person's body; this plus that "newness" stuff you've identified is enough to trigger the reaction you're having.
30 GOTO 10
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 3:31 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
Thanks, and nope! I didn't mean that "the problem with an affair is that it steals work and effort that should be put into strengthening the marriage..."
Instead, I was strongly cautioning the OP that where she puts her attention matters.
So, if she doesn't want an affair, she shouldn't constantly think about having one.
There are tons of websites and books about how to re-direct one's thoughts. But the first step is for the OP to acknowledge that she's frittering time/energy by thinking about her husband's best friend. And I'm all for frittering, btw (why else do you think I joined metafilter;) but I am against something this potentially lethal to the OP's well being. Yoga, painting, learning a new language, formal religion, trashy novels, philosophical questions, comic books - anything would be better for her to pursue in the privacy of her own mind than thoughts of this guy. First step to re-direction for OP is noticing the current trajectory of her thought process.
posted by jbenben at 3:37 PM on December 17, 2009
Instead, I was strongly cautioning the OP that where she puts her attention matters.
So, if she doesn't want an affair, she shouldn't constantly think about having one.
There are tons of websites and books about how to re-direct one's thoughts. But the first step is for the OP to acknowledge that she's frittering time/energy by thinking about her husband's best friend. And I'm all for frittering, btw (why else do you think I joined metafilter;) but I am against something this potentially lethal to the OP's well being. Yoga, painting, learning a new language, formal religion, trashy novels, philosophical questions, comic books - anything would be better for her to pursue in the privacy of her own mind than thoughts of this guy. First step to re-direction for OP is noticing the current trajectory of her thought process.
posted by jbenben at 3:37 PM on December 17, 2009
So, if she doesn't want an affair, she shouldn't constantly think about having one.
I think the key to these things is to not try and avoid the feelings or the thoughts, but to just acknowledge them without engaging them. This means allowing them to pass through one's mind and body, but not engaging them--i.e. if she suddenly feels them, don't engage them by going off into a fantasy. Often going into a fantasy or thinking about the object is an effort to get away from the uncomfortable feelings of guilt and pain and fear. Just allow those feelings you have to pass, without trying to cut them off or engaing them or any other feelings that follow.
I will never forget the first time this happened to me. I was in a committed relationship with a woman that I worked with. Another, married woman (who looked amazingly like my gf) flirted with me at work. For 48 hours I was certain I was going to have to have an affair with this woman, that she wanted an affair with me and that there was nothing I could do about it.
I was quite surprised when a week later, the feelings faded. Although this one is taking longer, I think that these feelings will fade too.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:59 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think the key to these things is to not try and avoid the feelings or the thoughts, but to just acknowledge them without engaging them. This means allowing them to pass through one's mind and body, but not engaging them--i.e. if she suddenly feels them, don't engage them by going off into a fantasy. Often going into a fantasy or thinking about the object is an effort to get away from the uncomfortable feelings of guilt and pain and fear. Just allow those feelings you have to pass, without trying to cut them off or engaing them or any other feelings that follow.
I will never forget the first time this happened to me. I was in a committed relationship with a woman that I worked with. Another, married woman (who looked amazingly like my gf) flirted with me at work. For 48 hours I was certain I was going to have to have an affair with this woman, that she wanted an affair with me and that there was nothing I could do about it.
I was quite surprised when a week later, the feelings faded. Although this one is taking longer, I think that these feelings will fade too.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:59 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't think it is any deeper than a mental "what if..." exercise. I really doubt it is anything as serious as being unhappy with your relationship or yourself.
Don't feel guilty for fantasies. Reserve guilt for actions.
My advice would be to let yourself indulge in the fantasy, within the confines that it remains a fantasy. Play it out to what its natural conclusion might be, and you'll probably realize that it is best left as a fantasy. I don't think gritting your teeth and trying not to think about it is the best way out- that turns it into an unresolved emotion and to me, those fester much worse than just about anything else.
posted by gjc at 4:24 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Don't feel guilty for fantasies. Reserve guilt for actions.
My advice would be to let yourself indulge in the fantasy, within the confines that it remains a fantasy. Play it out to what its natural conclusion might be, and you'll probably realize that it is best left as a fantasy. I don't think gritting your teeth and trying not to think about it is the best way out- that turns it into an unresolved emotion and to me, those fester much worse than just about anything else.
posted by gjc at 4:24 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think your calling this "in love with" might be part of the problem. This doesn't sound like "in love with" to me; as others have said, it sounds like "crushed on," "dazzled by," etc.
If this were me, I would joke with my husband about how I had a big crush on his friend. Nothing heals a crush like exposing it to air and light--keeping it secret and obsessing about it makes it fester.
It's perfectly logical to have a crush on your husband's best friend; he and your husband probably have lots of things in common, or they wouldn't be best friends. So at least you're consistent.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:07 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
If this were me, I would joke with my husband about how I had a big crush on his friend. Nothing heals a crush like exposing it to air and light--keeping it secret and obsessing about it makes it fester.
It's perfectly logical to have a crush on your husband's best friend; he and your husband probably have lots of things in common, or they wouldn't be best friends. So at least you're consistent.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:07 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
jbenben: “So, if she doesn't want an affair, she shouldn't constantly think about having one.”
Unfortunately "don't think about it!" or "don't send your energy in that direction!" isn't as easy as it sounds. What's more, this ignores the fact that human beings have all sorts of feelings which we can't easily explain, feelings which are rarely rational at all, and one soon discovers that simply trying to forget about them often causes them to boil over in unexpected ways. It's counter-intuitive, but I have a strong suspicion that the vast majority of spouses who cheat do so precisely because they kept telling themselves not to think about it at all; and in the end, 'not thinking about it' didn't make the feeling go away, it just kept them from dealing with that feeling until it was too late.
Now, I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly what anonymous is going through, though I can understand that later in a marriage this kind of thing happens naturally to almost every human being. But I do know from other areas of my life that an essential part of dealing with these kinds of feelings is allowing yourself a healthy fantasy life whilst carefully imposing rational limits on how much it affects your actual life.
It's a delicate trick; you have to train yourself to be able to spend an afternoon wistfully thinking to yourself, "gee, what a swell dude he is. He sure is dreamy" - without ever losing the faith you have in yourself and your rational faculties that nothing will ever come of it. And that's okay - you sound pretty content, and I'm sure you have it in you to sigh and contentedly go back to your everyday life in the evening - but it can be sort of a challenge to get that balance right.
The key, I think, is to strenuously avoid the wallowing in addictive sense of danger and secrecy and denial that leads to these things. You're doing nothing wrong in having feelings; feelings are a natural human thing, even if they don't make sense. You just have to look those feelings square in the eye and sternly inform them that they're welcome in your head but not in your life, and that you can be quite friendly with them so long as they don't start getting uppity.
This is just a crush, no matter how long it's lasted. The difference between a crush and love isn't how long it lasts or how strong it feels - often love doesn't feel like anything at all, and that's why people end up in the position you're in. The difference between a crush and love is that love is a long-term choice to make a joint agreement with another person to your mutual benefit; a crush is a feeling, like anger or hate or lust or contentedness, and feelings come and go, often without any rational basis at all.
And since you seem to have a healthy relationship with your husband, I will make this suggestion which in certain other circumstances might seem perilous but which in a mature relationship is generally the most expedient solution: tell your husband about it. Don't sit him down and dramatically inform him that you're in love with his best friend - because, as I said above, you're not - just wait until the guy comes up privately as a topic of conversation between you and say lightly: "he's sort of cute," or even "I have a little crush on him," treating it as insignificant as it would be if you really liked a particular food or TV show - not something that's likely to cause you to stray. You don't even need to remind your husband that you chose him, and will certainly be sticking with him - he probably knows that by now - because the simple fact that you're telling him about your little feeling means you don't think it's that serious. It is really as insignificant as all that, only feelings that everyone has every once in a while, and while it may worry you I can guarantee that it will pass. The thing is that keeping this feeling a mortal secret gives it power and makes it a deadly thing which you feel you have to hide, when really it's probably not like that at all. The thing you want to avoid is the feeling of having a secret your husband can never find out, and if he knows you have little crushes now and again and that this guy is one of them, I have a feeling it'll take a good deal of that pressure off of your mind.
Of course that's a very delicate thing, and you want to make sure that you can talk about it while remaining absolutely clear that this isn't some kind of huge deal. I'm sure you know him well enough by now to know the dangers involved in solemnly informing him that you're deeply in love with his best friend. However, I also feel as though you're really going to need to tell somebody at least - and even if you decide you can't tell your husband at all, I suggest you have coffee with a girlfriend or sit down with a therapist and talk to them about it. Just hearing the words come out of your mouth and having them heard by another person - "I have this big crush, and it's kind of annoying, but I'm sure I'll never actually act on it" - can be really therapeutic.
posted by koeselitz at 5:29 PM on December 17, 2009 [5 favorites]
Unfortunately "don't think about it!" or "don't send your energy in that direction!" isn't as easy as it sounds. What's more, this ignores the fact that human beings have all sorts of feelings which we can't easily explain, feelings which are rarely rational at all, and one soon discovers that simply trying to forget about them often causes them to boil over in unexpected ways. It's counter-intuitive, but I have a strong suspicion that the vast majority of spouses who cheat do so precisely because they kept telling themselves not to think about it at all; and in the end, 'not thinking about it' didn't make the feeling go away, it just kept them from dealing with that feeling until it was too late.
Now, I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly what anonymous is going through, though I can understand that later in a marriage this kind of thing happens naturally to almost every human being. But I do know from other areas of my life that an essential part of dealing with these kinds of feelings is allowing yourself a healthy fantasy life whilst carefully imposing rational limits on how much it affects your actual life.
It's a delicate trick; you have to train yourself to be able to spend an afternoon wistfully thinking to yourself, "gee, what a swell dude he is. He sure is dreamy" - without ever losing the faith you have in yourself and your rational faculties that nothing will ever come of it. And that's okay - you sound pretty content, and I'm sure you have it in you to sigh and contentedly go back to your everyday life in the evening - but it can be sort of a challenge to get that balance right.
The key, I think, is to strenuously avoid the wallowing in addictive sense of danger and secrecy and denial that leads to these things. You're doing nothing wrong in having feelings; feelings are a natural human thing, even if they don't make sense. You just have to look those feelings square in the eye and sternly inform them that they're welcome in your head but not in your life, and that you can be quite friendly with them so long as they don't start getting uppity.
This is just a crush, no matter how long it's lasted. The difference between a crush and love isn't how long it lasts or how strong it feels - often love doesn't feel like anything at all, and that's why people end up in the position you're in. The difference between a crush and love is that love is a long-term choice to make a joint agreement with another person to your mutual benefit; a crush is a feeling, like anger or hate or lust or contentedness, and feelings come and go, often without any rational basis at all.
And since you seem to have a healthy relationship with your husband, I will make this suggestion which in certain other circumstances might seem perilous but which in a mature relationship is generally the most expedient solution: tell your husband about it. Don't sit him down and dramatically inform him that you're in love with his best friend - because, as I said above, you're not - just wait until the guy comes up privately as a topic of conversation between you and say lightly: "he's sort of cute," or even "I have a little crush on him," treating it as insignificant as it would be if you really liked a particular food or TV show - not something that's likely to cause you to stray. You don't even need to remind your husband that you chose him, and will certainly be sticking with him - he probably knows that by now - because the simple fact that you're telling him about your little feeling means you don't think it's that serious. It is really as insignificant as all that, only feelings that everyone has every once in a while, and while it may worry you I can guarantee that it will pass. The thing is that keeping this feeling a mortal secret gives it power and makes it a deadly thing which you feel you have to hide, when really it's probably not like that at all. The thing you want to avoid is the feeling of having a secret your husband can never find out, and if he knows you have little crushes now and again and that this guy is one of them, I have a feeling it'll take a good deal of that pressure off of your mind.
Of course that's a very delicate thing, and you want to make sure that you can talk about it while remaining absolutely clear that this isn't some kind of huge deal. I'm sure you know him well enough by now to know the dangers involved in solemnly informing him that you're deeply in love with his best friend. However, I also feel as though you're really going to need to tell somebody at least - and even if you decide you can't tell your husband at all, I suggest you have coffee with a girlfriend or sit down with a therapist and talk to them about it. Just hearing the words come out of your mouth and having them heard by another person - "I have this big crush, and it's kind of annoying, but I'm sure I'll never actually act on it" - can be really therapeutic.
posted by koeselitz at 5:29 PM on December 17, 2009 [5 favorites]
This happens to everybody and all it is is fantasy. I do think that as others have suggested it is much better to label it a crush. Words do matter. If you can reassure yourself that yes, all people have crushes, this is what it is, and that in reality it means nothing, you'll be fine.
Lots of times this sort of thing may mean that at some level you are dissatisfied at home. It could simply be the newness has worn off. This is your cue to shake things up a little at home and pay more attention to your husband-maybe find new hobbies or interests to do together, go do something that you don't normally do, that sort of thing. Rediscover him, in other words. There is always more to discover!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:51 PM on December 17, 2009
Lots of times this sort of thing may mean that at some level you are dissatisfied at home. It could simply be the newness has worn off. This is your cue to shake things up a little at home and pay more attention to your husband-maybe find new hobbies or interests to do together, go do something that you don't normally do, that sort of thing. Rediscover him, in other words. There is always more to discover!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:51 PM on December 17, 2009
You've been socialized into a culture that prizes going all the way with what makes you feel good in the moment. Imagine being at the end of your life looking back on it, and it's easy to think of all the missed opportunities and new, interesting ways of feeling good. By comparison, "But I was a loyal, devoted wife" seems boring and old-fashioned.
Being a devoted wife means you can't go around acting on your impulses, and this feels limiting. On the other hand, acting on your impulses is also limiting, because it means you can't commit to being a devoted wife. But this is only technically a limitation - we're socialized into thinking of a limitation as something that prevents us from fulfilling our desires, rather than preventing us from living up to something. In practice, not having anything to live up to, having no obligations, is understood as freedom.
You're a parent, and I'm sure you feel an obligation to your kid - having kids is limiting! But if you could wave a magic wand, would you wish to get rid of that limit and regain your freedom? Probably not, and maybe that means limits and obligations aren't always so bad.
I don't think people feel guilt for failing to live up to their roles any more; instead, it's the opposite: they feel guilt for failing to enjoy themselves all the way, for staying within the limits. It's your duty to go all the way! Maybe you keep thinking about your crush because, paradoxically, you feel like you are supposed to, so the solution is to let yourself have a dirty little secret: that you have no desire to cheat on your husband.
posted by AlsoMike at 6:45 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Being a devoted wife means you can't go around acting on your impulses, and this feels limiting. On the other hand, acting on your impulses is also limiting, because it means you can't commit to being a devoted wife. But this is only technically a limitation - we're socialized into thinking of a limitation as something that prevents us from fulfilling our desires, rather than preventing us from living up to something. In practice, not having anything to live up to, having no obligations, is understood as freedom.
You're a parent, and I'm sure you feel an obligation to your kid - having kids is limiting! But if you could wave a magic wand, would you wish to get rid of that limit and regain your freedom? Probably not, and maybe that means limits and obligations aren't always so bad.
I don't think people feel guilt for failing to live up to their roles any more; instead, it's the opposite: they feel guilt for failing to enjoy themselves all the way, for staying within the limits. It's your duty to go all the way! Maybe you keep thinking about your crush because, paradoxically, you feel like you are supposed to, so the solution is to let yourself have a dirty little secret: that you have no desire to cheat on your husband.
posted by AlsoMike at 6:45 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
It seemed to me the OP wrote because this particular crush is problematic. Also having crushes generally is common for her, and troubling, since she is happily married.
Looooong story short - I know of what I speak.
If the OP perceived my advice about applying conscious consideration to her thought process and then applying whatever steps necessary to alter her process as reading, "just don't think about it!" - I'm sorry. Not what I meant. I know it's not that easy.
And yet... I can't see how to alter this habit of crushing in favor of something more enriching without seeing the crush behavior for what it is and actively seeking alternatives.
There's always Memail.
PS. What Ironmouth said about observing the thoughts and then letting them pass.
posted by jbenben at 7:57 PM on December 17, 2009
Looooong story short - I know of what I speak.
If the OP perceived my advice about applying conscious consideration to her thought process and then applying whatever steps necessary to alter her process as reading, "just don't think about it!" - I'm sorry. Not what I meant. I know it's not that easy.
And yet... I can't see how to alter this habit of crushing in favor of something more enriching without seeing the crush behavior for what it is and actively seeking alternatives.
There's always Memail.
PS. What Ironmouth said about observing the thoughts and then letting them pass.
posted by jbenben at 7:57 PM on December 17, 2009
Different people bring out different facets of ourselves. You have sides of yourself that are probably waiting to be explored.
People bond over different things ("You love art? Me too!"), do different things together (camping, cooking), behave toward one another different ways (constant humor, serious listening), admire and appreciate different things ("I love how quick-witted you are"), have different power dynamics ("wherever you want to go is fine with me" "you're so beautiful I want to just devour you. Come over here now and let me touch you."), share different dreams ("yes, let's take a bird watching cruise around the world after we sell the restaurant we started together"), and many other things.
What you're fantasizing about is probably some piece of yourself or your life dreams that have not had a chance to come out yet. You can bring them into your current life with your husband. What do you see happening with this guy -- who are you, who is he, how do you relate, what are major pieces of your time or your life together? Find in these fantasies parts of yourself, and then let your husband know about them. If you fear his derision, you can always preface it with, "I'm afraid that if I tell you this you're going to laugh at me and it does probably sound kinda silly..." But if you're anything like me, and since he sounds supportive, it might actually turn out to be kind of hot to expose these vulnerable and untapped sides of yourself. It's a lot of the adventure of someone new, without any of the downsides.
posted by salvia at 9:33 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
People bond over different things ("You love art? Me too!"), do different things together (camping, cooking), behave toward one another different ways (constant humor, serious listening), admire and appreciate different things ("I love how quick-witted you are"), have different power dynamics ("wherever you want to go is fine with me" "you're so beautiful I want to just devour you. Come over here now and let me touch you."), share different dreams ("yes, let's take a bird watching cruise around the world after we sell the restaurant we started together"), and many other things.
What you're fantasizing about is probably some piece of yourself or your life dreams that have not had a chance to come out yet. You can bring them into your current life with your husband. What do you see happening with this guy -- who are you, who is he, how do you relate, what are major pieces of your time or your life together? Find in these fantasies parts of yourself, and then let your husband know about them. If you fear his derision, you can always preface it with, "I'm afraid that if I tell you this you're going to laugh at me and it does probably sound kinda silly..." But if you're anything like me, and since he sounds supportive, it might actually turn out to be kind of hot to expose these vulnerable and untapped sides of yourself. It's a lot of the adventure of someone new, without any of the downsides.
posted by salvia at 9:33 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
Since the dawn of time, people have had these perverse attractions to their partner's best friend (or worse, their best friend's partner). It's as old as the human race, and doesn' t mean anything. Ignore it.
posted by venividivici at 2:31 AM on December 18, 2009
posted by venividivici at 2:31 AM on December 18, 2009
FWIW, as a man, I wouldn't want my wife sharing her crushes with me particularly if the person is "real" (i.e., not a celebrity crush) I can tell which of my guy friends she gives a second or longer look to...I don't need her pointing it out. Let's face it...your husband would love to fuck half your friends...do you really want him actually telling you that?
This is your version of porn. Enjoy it in private.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:00 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is your version of porn. Enjoy it in private.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:00 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, yeah, there's something special about the first flush of a new relationship, but there are joys to be had from a relationship you've been in for ten years that are completely impossible with someone you haven't know for that long. The fact that they aren't as overtly "exciting" as those of a young relationship should not diminish their value.
Contentment is a virtue that takes practice and no small degree of dedication. Relationships take work. The fact that this isn't automatic should come as no surprise. Dedicate yourself to the relationship that you have, concentrate on the joys that it brings, and you'll find that your desire to constantly be doing something different ought to diminish.
That's what they tell me anyways...
posted by valkyryn at 2:19 PM on December 17, 2009