Sorry in advance.
December 16, 2009 4:01 PM   Subscribe

Inspired by the wiping technique thread from earlier today - what is the proper, best way to wash one's ass in the shower?

Washrag? Loofah? Hands? Bar of soap? Something else I'm missing?

My parents never schooled me on this, and it's surprisingly undiscussed elsewhere on the internet. I'm looking for a combination of a) most efficiently cleaning, and b) getting as little fecal matter on yourself or other things as possible.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (25 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
If you're getting feces on the shower floor, you've got bigger problems.

That said, I would think hand and a lot of precollected soap lather would be the way to go because then nothing else gets ass-contaminated and if you're really that unbelievably germophobic you can then wash your hands (which just touched nothing but soap and some suspended/encapsulated tiny lint/poop particles, if you wipe correctly).
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:08 PM on December 16, 2009

(After the upper & front have been cleaned):
1. Soapify hand.
2. Slide through crack (male:down, female:up, as usual).
3. Check for clingy bits (they were called dingleberries on The Man Show) and repeat from 1 as needed.
4. Wash hand with soap. Sniff. OMG.
5. Same as 4. until no OMG.
7. Don't tell me you missed! Time to move out.
8. Otherwise, back to 4.
posted by hexatron at 4:15 PM on December 16, 2009 [13 favorites]

In summary, Don't stop until it's all out. Wipe until it's all gone. Scrub with a washrag (last) until it's all gone.

I use a washrag. I don't like the idea of a loofah because I can't wash it and who knows what's being trapped inside that mesh ball of gross.

As for washing your ass, do it last. If there's fecal matter on the rag when you wash, rinse it off and wash some more. But there really shouldn't be any fecal matter on there.


Notice you shower after you shit. For obvious reasons. Some people don't sit long enough to get all of it out, and sometimes some is left near the anus.

Furthermore, some don't wipe well enough. I've always wiped until nothing more was visible on the TP. I also use wet wipes. Using just TP makes me feel like I'm smearing, rather than cleaning.
posted by John-Michael at 4:17 PM on December 16, 2009

So you post anonymously but expect people to comment with their names? Hmm.
Well, MY FRIEND recommends the following:

(assuming you don't have a detachable showerhead)

1. Get a cup or something to pour with, and rinse a bit.
2. Place hands on cheeks, rub cheeks together.
3. Rinse again.

Pretty effective. Zero ickyness.
posted by ropeladder at 4:18 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Detachable shower head! It will change your life!
posted by Baby_Balrog at 4:27 PM on December 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

2. Slide through crack (male:down, female:up, as usual).

What? No. For females, it's front to back, always always always unless you like UTIs. Don't guess it really matters for guys.
posted by desjardins at 4:37 PM on December 16, 2009

desjardins, if you're wiping from the back, up IS front to back, n'est-ce pas?
posted by KathrynT at 4:42 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you're having dingleberry problems you may want to trim the area back there. Pull a cheek aside and do a light buzz.
posted by mokeydraws at 4:43 PM on December 16, 2009

Stand with your back to the shower stream. Wash the area between your buttocks with soap. Move forward so that the full force of the water is aimed at your buttocks. Spread the buttock cheeks with your hands. Let the water hit it until the soap is rinsed off.

Wash your hands with soap and rinse. That's it. Ass clean.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:48 PM on December 16, 2009

desjardins, if you're wiping from the back, up IS front to back, n'est-ce pas?

I guess so. hexatron wasn't clear, and the OP claims to have little knowledge of the subject, so I wanted to be extra sure.
posted by desjardins at 4:51 PM on December 16, 2009

Sucks that this can be asked anonymously but not answered anonymously.

In any case... ropeladder's method is the best, and you can do it without a special cup. After soaping up the rest of your body with a washcloth/loofah/one of those plastic scrubby dealies, you can hold it under the water to rinse it. Once it's pretty saturated with soapy water, squeeze it over your lower back/buttocks. Do this several times. The soapy water will run down into the necessary area, at which point you can rub your cheeks together, then rinse. Easy!
posted by limeonaire at 5:39 PM on December 16, 2009

Hexatron pretty much has it up there at the top.

I would add that if you're concerned about poopicules that you do it first thing in the shower, before general bathing. The rest of the shower soap/lather/lots of water will take care of any homeopathic poo-ons.

Not sure why everyone is so embarrassed about this question. Doesn't everyone wash their ass? Hope so.
posted by Ookseer at 6:03 PM on December 16, 2009

Look, after everything I have said, here and in the Grey...
(And especially for whoever it was that posted the AskMe long ago about the boyfriend who uses tons of toilet paper... I have never forgiven myself for not answering that question...)
I am going to hate myself in the morning for having posted this, I know.
Has no one discovered pre-moistened wipes??!?
There are baby-wipes, but I don't really care for the scent.
I use Tucks brand, myself.
Follow these easy steps:
1. Use conventional paper (known as bathroom tissue in TV commercials and magazine pages) until there is little or no visible discoloration (i.e. skid mark).
2. Then continue with the pre-moistened towelette until there is little or no discoloration.
3. This will result in clean (if not sparkling) underwear.
4. Profit

posted by Drasher at 6:15 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oh, yeah, I forgot...
This procedure will also help you avoid a visit to the butt doctor for hemorrhoids.
posted by Drasher at 6:18 PM on December 16, 2009

To continue with Drasher's "wet wipes" idea -- I have always used Cottonelle. They are a lifesaver for both your behind and female monthlies. The largest argument is that they aren't biodegradable/aren't flushable, but ass-wiping technology has come far and the ones I use, at least, fall apart in the plumbing.
posted by june made him a gemini at 6:31 PM on December 16, 2009

Tucks are moistened with witch hazel. I wipe 'til 'clear' and make a pass or two with tp moistened with wich hazel. DO NOT mistake the witch hazel bottle for rubbing alcohol!
posted by raildr at 6:50 PM on December 16, 2009

Well, those cultures that don't use toilet paper use their hands and water to wipe their arse instead. This is generally why the left hand is taboo.

How easy it is to clean your arse properly with toilet paper is really a function of how hairy your crack is.

Soap is a strong disinfectant (and development of resistance to soap is really not a possibility), so hand + soap is fine. Soap plus shit smells weird and nearly as unpleasent as plain smeared shit, so you'll know if you're not done.
posted by singingfish at 7:32 PM on December 16, 2009

This isn't really addressing the issue at hand, as it were, but have you considered altering your diet so there's less cleaning needing done? Some beans, brown rice and hot peppers added to one's diet can do wonders for any digestive and/or elimination issues. Lemon juice and vinegar added to water and ingested 1-2 times a day can help, too.
posted by motown missile at 10:11 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Seconding detachable shower heads.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:20 PM on December 16, 2009

The detachable shower head is the key to life. I don't feel clean otherwise, and having to bend over and pull apart my ass cheeks to get clean makes me feel like I'm about to be searched for contraband. It's worth it to install one.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:28 PM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

People really won't touch their own ass? That's disturbing!

My routine is the same as hexatron's, minus the hair, the dingleberries, and the smelling. I thought that was what everyone did. This thread is eye opening for me.
posted by crabintheocean at 1:06 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure what's more amusing, the repeated casual use of the word "ass," or the fact that this is posted in "health and fitness." Something about the fitness part that cracks me up.

Oh, and uh... shower head, yeah, that's the ticket. I figure toilet paper is good enough after doing the deed on the can, and short of more extreme methods, just rinsing off the area during showers is sufficient. The butt cleavage covers up enough to not make such extreme methods necessary. Or at least I hope.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 1:11 AM on December 17, 2009

I would feel as if I wasn't doing my duty (haha) if I didn't second motown missile's suggestion. Adding fiber to your diet is an excellent idea. Get some generic psyllium husk and start drinking it down after breakfast or dinner. The poo will come out in a solid mass: no smearing or skid marks.
posted by kookywon at 8:13 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

What the hell? Do you people really get that much crap in your crack when you're showering?

Invest in some better toilet paper and change your diet, yo.
posted by phrakture at 10:39 AM on December 18, 2009

desjardins, if you're wiping from the back, up IS front to back, n'est-ce pas?

KathrynT, you're ASSUMING that desjardins showers feet-down, head-up.

Stop being so gravicentrist.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:58 PM on December 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

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