It's okay, his wife knows...
December 16, 2009 11:09 AM Subscribe
How to help a friend stuck in a very odd romantic triangle?
Hi guys,
So this situation is not about me (no really... it isn't!)
It's about my roommate. I love this girl - she is kind, bright, and thoughtful. (Not to mention a great roommate.)
However, she's currently in a situation straight out of a soap opera.
She is seeing a much older man, in his 50s (we are in our 20s). Who is in an open marriage. She knows his wife and they've all talked about it and they're all cool and groovy with everything.
Hey, if it works for them, it's ok by me.
Another wrinkle: their son, who is our age, doesn't realize that his parents have an open marriage. Moreover, he actually went on a date with roomie once long before all this began and doesn't know she is now sleeping with HIS DAD. Yikes.
I've mostly just been listening to my rooommate talk about this without offering advice, and told her that as long as she's happy, I'm happy. Which is true.
But she's starting to get less happy. The other night, I walked in on her sobbing (roomie NEVER sobs, it was the first time I'd seen her cry) because she thought Older Man had given her an STD. She's since gotten her test results back, and they're negative. But that, to me, is a new low, and I'm getting annoyed at Older Man for putting his younger, more vulnerable girlfriend in such a position.
Moreover, when she called him in a panic about her tests, he told her that he needed to be there for his wife at that moment (who, again, knows all) and sort of brushed her off.
She's starting to get sad because she knows this relationship can go nowhere and that she'll have to break it off, but she says she's felt happier with this guy than she ever expected and feels like she'll never be as happy again. She's starting to ask me for actual advice now, where I've usually just erred on the side of listening.
MeFites, is there anything I can say in the way of advice to my poor roomie? I'm confident she's smart and reasonable enough to end this when she's ready, but she's hurting and that makes me hurt. Plus, Older Guy may not be cheating on his wife, but he's not being the kindest to his son in this situation. He's coming across as a bit of a sketchball to me, even if he does really care about her.
Is there anything at all I can say to make this better for her?
Hi guys,
So this situation is not about me (no really... it isn't!)
It's about my roommate. I love this girl - she is kind, bright, and thoughtful. (Not to mention a great roommate.)
However, she's currently in a situation straight out of a soap opera.
She is seeing a much older man, in his 50s (we are in our 20s). Who is in an open marriage. She knows his wife and they've all talked about it and they're all cool and groovy with everything.
Hey, if it works for them, it's ok by me.
Another wrinkle: their son, who is our age, doesn't realize that his parents have an open marriage. Moreover, he actually went on a date with roomie once long before all this began and doesn't know she is now sleeping with HIS DAD. Yikes.
I've mostly just been listening to my rooommate talk about this without offering advice, and told her that as long as she's happy, I'm happy. Which is true.
But she's starting to get less happy. The other night, I walked in on her sobbing (roomie NEVER sobs, it was the first time I'd seen her cry) because she thought Older Man had given her an STD. She's since gotten her test results back, and they're negative. But that, to me, is a new low, and I'm getting annoyed at Older Man for putting his younger, more vulnerable girlfriend in such a position.
Moreover, when she called him in a panic about her tests, he told her that he needed to be there for his wife at that moment (who, again, knows all) and sort of brushed her off.
She's starting to get sad because she knows this relationship can go nowhere and that she'll have to break it off, but she says she's felt happier with this guy than she ever expected and feels like she'll never be as happy again. She's starting to ask me for actual advice now, where I've usually just erred on the side of listening.
MeFites, is there anything I can say in the way of advice to my poor roomie? I'm confident she's smart and reasonable enough to end this when she's ready, but she's hurting and that makes me hurt. Plus, Older Guy may not be cheating on his wife, but he's not being the kindest to his son in this situation. He's coming across as a bit of a sketchball to me, even if he does really care about her.
Is there anything at all I can say to make this better for her?
You are playing the role of the guy friend the girl complains to who listens and otherwise hangs out waiting for a shot.
I'm not saying this is in fact true, but it is the apparent scenario. All of her drama doesn't matter -- the old guy, etc. are just details in her immediate drama.
Let her work out her own issues. She is grown up.
posted by rr at 11:16 AM on December 16, 2009
I'm not saying this is in fact true, but it is the apparent scenario. All of her drama doesn't matter -- the old guy, etc. are just details in her immediate drama.
Let her work out her own issues. She is grown up.
posted by rr at 11:16 AM on December 16, 2009
ellF, I think you're over emphasizing the "I love this girl." I read it as "roomie is fantastic," not as romantic love.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2009 [17 favorites]
posted by craven_morhead at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2009 [17 favorites]
"Hey roomie, this situation is ridiculous. You're not going to get what you really want or need from this relationship, and you're going to be hurt bad (more than you have been already) sooner rather than later. You need to get out now, and I'm here to help."
But really, no, there's probably nothing that you can say that will actually convince her of this, even though you're absolutely right and she's in denial. She'll just (painfully) come to that answer on her own and never tell you that you were right even if you do say something.
posted by The Michael The at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
But really, no, there's probably nothing that you can say that will actually convince her of this, even though you're absolutely right and she's in denial. She'll just (painfully) come to that answer on her own and never tell you that you were right even if you do say something.
posted by The Michael The at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: -Er, just to clarify, I'm a heterosexual female, with a boyfriend and zero romantic interest in my roommate. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
posted by bookgirl18 at 11:19 AM on December 16, 2009
posted by bookgirl18 at 11:19 AM on December 16, 2009
I agree with the counseling. Gently suggest to your friend that she talk this out with a counselor. I'm a woman in my fifties and I find men like the one in this mess despicable. I hope this guy isn't/wasn't one of her professors.
PS, I don't know why some people above misread your role in this, it was pretty clear to me that you are a caring girl friend/roommate.
posted by mareli at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
PS, I don't know why some people above misread your role in this, it was pretty clear to me that you are a caring girl friend/roommate.
posted by mareli at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, I'm poly, and in a serious relationship with a married man. I'd like to address your friend's situation from the perspective of someone who doesn't automatically assume from the bare bones of the situation (an older, married man dating someone younger) that something is wrong.
Moreover, when she called him in a panic about her tests, he told her that he needed to be there for his wife at that moment (who, again, knows all) and sort of brushed her off.
This is unacceptable. If my boyfriend did this to me, I would likely dump him. Everyone does open marriages a little differently, and sometimes it's with the explicit understanding that you're making less of a personal and emotional commitment to your other romantic partners. But that doesn't seem like your roommate expected or wanted that. Regardless of the open marriage aspect, if he's not willing to be there for her in the way that she needs, then it's not a good relationship.
Another wrinkle: their son, who is our age, doesn't realize that his parents have an open marriage.
I try to withhold judgment about these things - my boyfriend, his wife, her other partner - we're all out as poly to our families and friends, but then we run in very liberal circles. I wouldn't want to say that a person *must* be honest about these things if it might cost him his job, or might cause his son to become estranged. But I do know that the secretiveness about the relationship and feeling like it's something you have to hide can make a person even more insecure and like their feelings and attachments aren't legitimate. This may be something that your roommate is dealing with.
Anyway, I'm not sure where your roommate is coming from in this, but if you get the sense from her that she isn't bothered by the open marriage aspect, I wouldn't harp on that - which might alienate her - and I would focus instead on how this relationship isn't fair to her for other reasons. Encourage her to stand up for herself and ask her boyfriend to address them - or, if he refuses to address them, leave.
Finally, another option for her might be to start dating while maintaining this relationship. I don't think that's necessarily a good idea - adding people doesn't fix things, and it seems like there are definitely things here to fix - but it is a legitimate option, and might ease her feelings of "I'll never find anyone else who makes me happy!". If her boyfriend is opposed to her dating other people, that's another red flag that he's not worth the trouble.
posted by shaun uh at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
Moreover, when she called him in a panic about her tests, he told her that he needed to be there for his wife at that moment (who, again, knows all) and sort of brushed her off.
This is unacceptable. If my boyfriend did this to me, I would likely dump him. Everyone does open marriages a little differently, and sometimes it's with the explicit understanding that you're making less of a personal and emotional commitment to your other romantic partners. But that doesn't seem like your roommate expected or wanted that. Regardless of the open marriage aspect, if he's not willing to be there for her in the way that she needs, then it's not a good relationship.
Another wrinkle: their son, who is our age, doesn't realize that his parents have an open marriage.
I try to withhold judgment about these things - my boyfriend, his wife, her other partner - we're all out as poly to our families and friends, but then we run in very liberal circles. I wouldn't want to say that a person *must* be honest about these things if it might cost him his job, or might cause his son to become estranged. But I do know that the secretiveness about the relationship and feeling like it's something you have to hide can make a person even more insecure and like their feelings and attachments aren't legitimate. This may be something that your roommate is dealing with.
Anyway, I'm not sure where your roommate is coming from in this, but if you get the sense from her that she isn't bothered by the open marriage aspect, I wouldn't harp on that - which might alienate her - and I would focus instead on how this relationship isn't fair to her for other reasons. Encourage her to stand up for herself and ask her boyfriend to address them - or, if he refuses to address them, leave.
Finally, another option for her might be to start dating while maintaining this relationship. I don't think that's necessarily a good idea - adding people doesn't fix things, and it seems like there are definitely things here to fix - but it is a legitimate option, and might ease her feelings of "I'll never find anyone else who makes me happy!". If her boyfriend is opposed to her dating other people, that's another red flag that he's not worth the trouble.
posted by shaun uh at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
I think the best advice you can give her at this point is to end the relationship now, quickly, and completely. It seems like your roomie is smart enought to realize that the relationship is going nowhere and that this man is not McDreamy, like she had thought. She might just need your advice though to go through with the breakup sooner rather than later and to realize that the whole thing needs to be scrapped (i.e. she should not reamin friends with this man or get coffee with him after work, etc). Let her know that the sooner she breaks this off, the sooner she can recover and move on, and you are there to help all the way.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2009
posted by WeekendJen at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2009
I myself would never have dated someone who was poly but not out to his adult children. Someone in their twenties is old enough to know that the parents have an open marriage, and that level of closetedness would have rubbed me the wrong way.
Of course, I wouldn't ever have gone out with someone whose son (or whose father, for that matter) I had previously dated. Bleagh. That, to me, is the creepiest thing in this whole thing. That, and the STD.
Don't try to give her advice, though. That's not your job as her friend. Your job is to give her support and, if she needs advice, to encourage her to get it from a professional if possible.
A book that might be of help to her in navigating the complexities of polyamorous/open relationships is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Of course, I wouldn't ever have gone out with someone whose son (or whose father, for that matter) I had previously dated. Bleagh. That, to me, is the creepiest thing in this whole thing. That, and the STD.
Don't try to give her advice, though. That's not your job as her friend. Your job is to give her support and, if she needs advice, to encourage her to get it from a professional if possible.
A book that might be of help to her in navigating the complexities of polyamorous/open relationships is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
It sounds like she unrealistically expected that she would eventually have this man to herself. That is where the problem lies. DTMFA.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:42 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 11:42 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think your roommate is not dealing with the reality of the situation. This guy is married. Sure, it's an open marriage, but all that means is that he gets to sleep with other women without his wife getting pissed at him. It does not make him any less married. His first commitment is and ought to be to his wife, even if she lets him fool around sexually. Your roommate does not seem to have adequately internalized this. This man is available to her sexually on some level, but that's basically it. He has no intention of interrupting his life for her, let alone seriously dislocating his existing relationships.
I'm going to concur with shaun uh here. Whatever one believes about the appropriateness or feasibility of polyamorous relationships, this is not how you do it, and it really doesn't seem that your roommate is actually polyamorous. He may be poly, but she seems to be monogamously devoted to him.
In short, he's holding all the cards, and she's his mistress, i.e. a women with whom he has an ongoing sexual liason without any ongoing commitment or emotional attachment. This arrangement comes with costs, most of which are going to be borne by her. I mean, sure, he cares about her to some degree, and I've no reason to suspect that that caring isn't genuine, but she will always be a secondary priority.
Your roommate needs to ask herself whether or not she's okay with this. Whether or not she's willing to settle for another woman's leavings, because it seems obvious that this is what's going on here. If she isn't, then she needs to get out of this situation as quickly and gracefully as possible.
What can you do for her? Listening is probably best. Beyond that, do what you can to be available for her. This guy is obviously not willing to invest himself emotionally, and she needs someone to do that. Everyone does. You can potentially be that person here.
posted by valkyryn at 11:45 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
I'm going to concur with shaun uh here. Whatever one believes about the appropriateness or feasibility of polyamorous relationships, this is not how you do it, and it really doesn't seem that your roommate is actually polyamorous. He may be poly, but she seems to be monogamously devoted to him.
In short, he's holding all the cards, and she's his mistress, i.e. a women with whom he has an ongoing sexual liason without any ongoing commitment or emotional attachment. This arrangement comes with costs, most of which are going to be borne by her. I mean, sure, he cares about her to some degree, and I've no reason to suspect that that caring isn't genuine, but she will always be a secondary priority.
Your roommate needs to ask herself whether or not she's okay with this. Whether or not she's willing to settle for another woman's leavings, because it seems obvious that this is what's going on here. If she isn't, then she needs to get out of this situation as quickly and gracefully as possible.
What can you do for her? Listening is probably best. Beyond that, do what you can to be available for her. This guy is obviously not willing to invest himself emotionally, and she needs someone to do that. Everyone does. You can potentially be that person here.
posted by valkyryn at 11:45 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
I misunderstood the "love" bit -- but interestingly, my advice doesn't change much. Or, perhaps, go with my Ask MeFi rule of thumb: always listen to The World Famous.
posted by ellF at 11:48 AM on December 16, 2009
posted by ellF at 11:48 AM on December 16, 2009
shaun uh: Nothing is inherently wrong here, and I'm not coming from a conservative monogamy-only mindset. However, relationships between inherently unequal partners usually end badly for the person on the weaker end, and in this case, that's the roommate. Part of the discrepency comes from the age difference, and part from the fact that she's a secondary partner. Compound those factors and the sketchy nature of this guy, and you've got a mess that will only get better with some understanding of what allowed things to get to this point.
Much of which you said, of course.
posted by ellF at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2009
Much of which you said, of course.
posted by ellF at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2009
It's not a triangle. This is a Y with a primary relationship. I think your friend knows what she needs to do, she just lacks the courage to challenge the status quo. If she's content with being the unequal "friend" of this guy, then she should continue. If she wants to be a primary, she needs to speak up and get out.
posted by inturnaround at 12:03 PM on December 16, 2009
posted by inturnaround at 12:03 PM on December 16, 2009
ellfF, you said:
How's her relationship with her own father? How about the rest of her life? I'd wager that something about her childhood went very wrong to make her think, in her early 20s, that the thing to do was to hook up with a married man in his 50s who may or may not have sexually transmitted diseases and who lies to her son.
I think we agree that this relationship isn't good for the roommate, however I found this comment over the top. It's relying on conservative sentiments like "no married man should have relationships outside his marriage" and "only sketchy people can get/transmit STDs" in order to make other aspects of the situation - which are, I agree, very problematic! - seem worse.
I've known lots of people who fell for people who wouldn't commit to them, or people who were dishonest, and it didn't make me think that there was something "very wrong" with their childhoods. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me like the open marriage aspect is clouding/influencing your judgment.
If the poster conveys this kind of sentiment when talking to his roommate, in my opinion she stands as much of a chance of alienating her as being a source of comfort/good advice for her.
posted by shaun uh at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
How's her relationship with her own father? How about the rest of her life? I'd wager that something about her childhood went very wrong to make her think, in her early 20s, that the thing to do was to hook up with a married man in his 50s who may or may not have sexually transmitted diseases and who lies to her son.
I think we agree that this relationship isn't good for the roommate, however I found this comment over the top. It's relying on conservative sentiments like "no married man should have relationships outside his marriage" and "only sketchy people can get/transmit STDs" in order to make other aspects of the situation - which are, I agree, very problematic! - seem worse.
I've known lots of people who fell for people who wouldn't commit to them, or people who were dishonest, and it didn't make me think that there was something "very wrong" with their childhoods. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me like the open marriage aspect is clouding/influencing your judgment.
If the poster conveys this kind of sentiment when talking to his roommate, in my opinion she stands as much of a chance of alienating her as being a source of comfort/good advice for her.
posted by shaun uh at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
I think you're a little too involved in the details of this scenario. Yes, it's all very bizarre; yes, it sounds kind of sketchy; no, it's still not really your business.
Repeat after me: this is not my relationship, and it's not my job to fix it.
Offer empathy and good listening to your friend, but don't waste your breath with advice unless she asks for it. If she does, tell her your 2 cents once clearly, and remind her that you will still be her friend whatever she does. When you get tired of hearing her complain, gently change the subject and offer comforting distractions.
In short: Boundaries, grow a set.
posted by ottereroticist at 12:09 PM on December 16, 2009
Repeat after me: this is not my relationship, and it's not my job to fix it.
Offer empathy and good listening to your friend, but don't waste your breath with advice unless she asks for it. If she does, tell her your 2 cents once clearly, and remind her that you will still be her friend whatever she does. When you get tired of hearing her complain, gently change the subject and offer comforting distractions.
In short: Boundaries, grow a set.
posted by ottereroticist at 12:09 PM on December 16, 2009
shaun uh: This isn't really the forum, so I'll send you a private note. :)
posted by ellF at 12:16 PM on December 16, 2009
posted by ellF at 12:16 PM on December 16, 2009
Is there anything at all I can say to make this better for her?
"Ok, the first round is on you and you can pour your heart out and I'll listen. After that, I'm going to buy a round and just repeat variations of this sentence: 'He's 50, you're 20 and he has a wife already.' "
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:22 PM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
"Ok, the first round is on you and you can pour your heart out and I'll listen. After that, I'm going to buy a round and just repeat variations of this sentence: 'He's 50, you're 20 and he has a wife already.' "
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:22 PM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
For all of those saying ‘don’t give roomie advice until she asks for it’, may I just point out:
She's starting to ask me for actual advice now, where I've usually just erred on the side of listening.
Anyway, I think the correct advice is to DTMFA. Asshole guy is an asshole, no matter what age or marital status.
posted by dinty_moore at 12:26 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
She's starting to ask me for actual advice now, where I've usually just erred on the side of listening.
Anyway, I think the correct advice is to DTMFA. Asshole guy is an asshole, no matter what age or marital status.
posted by dinty_moore at 12:26 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
The issue with your roommate isn't one of (non)monogamy, or if the older man just has license to "sleep around" or any daddy issues. The issue is one of respect and expectations.
1. Your roommate's boyfriend is not being respectful of his secondary relationship. As shaun uh mentions, this isn't how you treat people in a relationship - regardless whether that relationship is primary/secondary/tertiary/monogamous/polyamorous. The boyfriend was a dick, and your roommate should bring up his behavior and how that made her feel. Just because the boyfriend is an open relationship doesn't make him perfect in his dealings with other people. Nor does it excuse him to be an asshole. He messed up, she should communicate that, he should apologize.
2. Your roommate may be looking for different things in the relationship than her boyfriend. Again, this is no different than any other disagreement on expectations. She should be honest about her boyfriend with her needs/wants/desires, and they should come to a mutual agreement - or end the relationship.
This isn't rocket science. Treat your relationships with respect and be honest about expectations. Everyone wins!
posted by whycurious at 12:44 PM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
1. Your roommate's boyfriend is not being respectful of his secondary relationship. As shaun uh mentions, this isn't how you treat people in a relationship - regardless whether that relationship is primary/secondary/tertiary/monogamous/polyamorous. The boyfriend was a dick, and your roommate should bring up his behavior and how that made her feel. Just because the boyfriend is an open relationship doesn't make him perfect in his dealings with other people. Nor does it excuse him to be an asshole. He messed up, she should communicate that, he should apologize.
2. Your roommate may be looking for different things in the relationship than her boyfriend. Again, this is no different than any other disagreement on expectations. She should be honest about her boyfriend with her needs/wants/desires, and they should come to a mutual agreement - or end the relationship.
This isn't rocket science. Treat your relationships with respect and be honest about expectations. Everyone wins!
posted by whycurious at 12:44 PM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
I strongly disagree with everyone who suggests withholding advice. If she's asking for advice, give it to her. I've given relationship advice to friends lots of times; it's never hurt my friendships with them in any way. Whether or not they take the advice is their choice.
The key is to be both honest and sensitive. Don't, for example, say "That guy's an asshole, dump him," because she clearly still cares for him and would be offended by that. And if she chooses to ignore the advice, you have to respect that.
Am I the only one who's bothered by the fact that people were assuming the OP is male even though her username is bookgirl18?
posted by Lobster Garden at 12:54 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
The key is to be both honest and sensitive. Don't, for example, say "That guy's an asshole, dump him," because she clearly still cares for him and would be offended by that. And if she chooses to ignore the advice, you have to respect that.
Am I the only one who's bothered by the fact that people were assuming the OP is male even though her username is bookgirl18?
posted by Lobster Garden at 12:54 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think the only advice you can/should give is this: remind her that she's only in her 20s and there's probably a guy out there that she already knows or is a friend of a friend, who's just as awesome as this older guy -- or will be by the time he's in his 50s, so she should start looking for someone who can make her happy without all the drama that makes her miserable. In short, break it off (since it will end someday anyway.)
posted by davejay at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2009
posted by davejay at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2009
Moreover, when she called him in a panic about her tests, he told her that he needed to be there for his wife at that moment (who, again, knows all) and sort of brushed her off.
With all due respect to the pro-poly people on this thread, it seems to me that the very nature of a plural relationship is going to inevitably lead to exactly this sort of situation: you need your partner, but your partner can't be there for you because he's with his other partner, who also needs him, or whom he has chosen to prioritize as his "primary". I really fail to see how any sort of careful management or notion of "respect" is going to undermine this inevitable lack of support/conflict of interest as compared to a monogamous relationship.
So, I would present this fact to the roommie and ask her "Is this really what you want?" (That simple question is the single best piece of feedback I've ever gotten with respect to tangled romantic matters.)
posted by yarly at 1:25 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
With all due respect to the pro-poly people on this thread, it seems to me that the very nature of a plural relationship is going to inevitably lead to exactly this sort of situation: you need your partner, but your partner can't be there for you because he's with his other partner, who also needs him, or whom he has chosen to prioritize as his "primary". I really fail to see how any sort of careful management or notion of "respect" is going to undermine this inevitable lack of support/conflict of interest as compared to a monogamous relationship.
So, I would present this fact to the roommie and ask her "Is this really what you want?" (That simple question is the single best piece of feedback I've ever gotten with respect to tangled romantic matters.)
posted by yarly at 1:25 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
To be happy being a secondary partner in a poly relationship, you have to be a naturally independent sort of person who really doesn't mind handling things on your own a good percentage of the time. It can be a good set up for the kind of person who feels claustrophobic in a traditional relationship, likes time to themselves, wants to hang out with or turn to friends often, but still have a regular lover. It is not a good situation for someone who is in the end really hoping for a traditional or primary relationship.
The guy is married. if she wants a relationship that is going to "go somewhere" she should break it off sooner rather than later.
The thing with the son is just kind of effed up. Just help her move on...
posted by mdn at 1:53 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
The guy is married. if she wants a relationship that is going to "go somewhere" she should break it off sooner rather than later.
The thing with the son is just kind of effed up. Just help her move on...
posted by mdn at 1:53 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
it seems to me that the very nature of a plural relationship is going to inevitably lead to exactly this sort of situation
It doesn't "inevitably" lead to any such thing.
Of course, it would be easier for her if she had other partners as well, so that when she was having a crisis and X needed to be with Y, she could turn to Z who wasn't involved in the crisis and could be there for her.
This is why I encourage monogamous people not to date polyamorous people, in general. Because it's easier, for most people, when everyone has more than one partner than it is when one partner has multiples and the other has only one.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:08 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
It doesn't "inevitably" lead to any such thing.
Of course, it would be easier for her if she had other partners as well, so that when she was having a crisis and X needed to be with Y, she could turn to Z who wasn't involved in the crisis and could be there for her.
This is why I encourage monogamous people not to date polyamorous people, in general. Because it's easier, for most people, when everyone has more than one partner than it is when one partner has multiples and the other has only one.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:08 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm with Lobster Garden. If OP really has a friendship with her roommate, and roommate is asking for her advice, why wouldn't she give it? I often ask my best friend for advice. I don't always follow it, but I respect her opinion and I want to hear it.
Decide what you really feel about the situation and tell you roommate honestly, in the most non-dramatic way possible, emphasizing that it's just your opinion and that in the end only she can decide.
Some people need to hear other people's opinions in order to form their own.
posted by Paris Elk at 11:49 PM on December 16, 2009
Decide what you really feel about the situation and tell you roommate honestly, in the most non-dramatic way possible, emphasizing that it's just your opinion and that in the end only she can decide.
Some people need to hear other people's opinions in order to form their own.
posted by Paris Elk at 11:49 PM on December 16, 2009
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For advice, this girl needs therapy, I suspect -- not a roommate who is in love with her. How's her relationship with her own father? How about the rest of her life? I'd wager that something about her childhood went very wrong to make her think, in her early 20s, that the thing to do was to hook up with a married man in his 50s who may or may not have sexually transmitted diseases and who lies to her son.
For you, run the hell away from this mess. You've got a classic drama here, and it's going to end badly for everyone involved. You're in your 20s. This very likely is not the love of your life.
posted by ellF at 11:15 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]