Question about casual dating and newfound attractiveness.
December 16, 2009 6:43 AM   Subscribe

Question about casual dating and newfound attractiveness.

I’m a 27-year-old guy. About a year ago I started taking steps to become more attractive. I lost weight, started dressing better, got a better haircut, changed my life so that I would be happier, and several other things. Either this or the resulting increase in confidence really worked. I have much less of a problem getting dates now. Women who are total strangers hit on me. I used to never think I was attractive enough for women to just want to sleep with me but now I’ve had several one-night stands.

What’s the problem? Well, it was sometimes harder to get initial interest from a woman before but once I did, it was someone who was really interested in me, liked my personality, wanted to date me, etc. And it was relatively easy to deal with rejection in the form of not getting a first date from someone who didn’t know me at all. Now I feel like girls are more likely to try me out but the likelihood of finding one who wants to be in a relationship with me is the same. It’s only after getting to know me really well or quite intimately that they realize they don’t want to have much to do with me anymore. This has happened repeatedly and I have found it pretty devastating. I don’t want to date anyone at all right now and potentially have to go through this again.

Are there others who have found that trying to be more attractive leads to more heartbreak? Am I alone in this kind of rude awakening? More importantly, what can I do about this? Is there a way that I can embrace the kind of casual dating and sex that many single people seem to enjoy without getting so wrapped up in the possibility of a longer-term relationship? If not, can I soften the blow to my ego somehow when things don’t work out? And get over my new fear of rejection?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like you're now attracting the wrong kind of woman. (?) In everything you said, you never once mentioned the type of woman you like and the what you want out of a relationship--it sounds like you're just making a go with whomever approaches you. That's bound for failure. It's great you put in all that work on your appearance, and the new confidence is a definite plus. Now, I would suggest working on your inner self and deciding what you want. Then you'll recognize for yourself the people that aren't compatible, instead of trying to keep a relationship going with just anyone. Once you have a better idea of who you like, then you can pursue a relationship with the right person.
posted by Eicats at 6:52 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]


And in the meantime...if you really want to keep on with the casual sex scene, you have to know that those hookups are completely different from long-term relationships.
posted by Eicats at 6:53 AM on December 16, 2009


You’ve made so many changes to the outer man, and now it might be time to make a change to the inner one. As the earlier poster says, you talk about women rejecting you but don’t seem aware of your own agency in the matter. My advice is, try to get yourself into a state of mind where you are actively choosing instead of trying to get people to choose you. It’s very empowering and will protect you from a lot of hurt. You won’t care that a woman isn’t interested in if you are aware that she isn’t what you want anyway. And if you haven’t the kind of nature that allows you to have a one night stand and be okay with a woman’s lack of further interest in you, don’t have one night stands. Don’t let anyone tell you that there’s something wrong with you if you can’t have casual sex without getting hurt emotionally. It’s not for everyone. You may even want to resolve to wait until you’re in a relationship with a woman before you sleep with her so as to protect yourself from being rejected by women who are not really interested in you.
posted by orange swan at 7:11 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Are there others who have found that trying to be more attractive leads to more heartbreak?

This doesn't sound like what is going on, to me. It sounds like you're new to casual relationships, and you're wondering why the trajectory of casual dating is different from relationships you've had before. Thing is, casual dating does, sometimes, exactly what it says on the tin. I'm pretty sure you're not expecting your one night stand to turn into buying furniture together, but it bears mentioning that if someone is interested in a casual relationship then it's unrealistic to expect to change their mind.

Missing from your description is what you really want. I think you need to figure that out, then look for people who are interested in that kind of relationship (it strikes me that this short sentence is probably the vastest tract of the minefield that is negotiating the first stage of loving and sexy times, the other part being, I don't know shared belief in atoms). It sounds like you're enjoying dating around and one night stands, which could be a lot of fun, but I wouldn't go into this with the expectation that casual hook-ups will turn into something more long-term.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 7:21 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Keep doing it. The blow gets easier. And as it does, it will happen far less often.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:29 AM on December 16, 2009


Are there others who have found that trying to be more attractive leads to more heartbreak?

This doesn't sound like what is going on, to me. It sounds like you're new to casual relationships, and you're wondering why the trajectory of casual dating is different from relationships you've had before.


I completely agree. The reason you are being rejected more is that you're dating more, which has less to do with your looks than with your newfound confidence. Like the cat's pyjamas says, you should figure out what you're looking for and adjust your behavior accordingly. If one-night stands leave you sad and broken, stop having them, and focus on dating others who are looking for long-term relationships.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:32 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


Seconding Eicats: you're doing it wrong.

The casual hookup scene and the serious relationship scene are very different, both in terms of their dynamics and the people who participate in them. They're not entirely mutually exclusive, but it's close. Playing one game by the rules of the other is going to result in what you're experiencing now: a bad time.

So you've upped your appeal on the hookup scene, as evidenced by the fact that you're now able to get some action now and then. This isn't the root of your problem. The problem is how you're going about this thing. Sounds to me like what you really want is a long-term relationship, and you're using casual dating and hookup sex to mask that underlying desire. I suggest that you don't harden yourself for the casual scene, but rather raise your standards. As you're finding, the people who are on the prowl for a casual hookup are generally not the people who are looking for a long term relationship. Some people are just constitutionally incapable of serious commitment--which requires no small degree of maturity--but even many people who are capable of holding down a commited relationship may not be looking for that right now.

The thing of it is, one-night stands really aren't the way to go about starting a serious relationship. Sure, people do it, but just because it is in fact possible to win large amounts of money playing the lottery does not mean that it's a good bet. What you're really buying is not money, but a ticket in a game of chance, which is its own sort of reward. The hookup scene is characterized by people deciding in a very short amount of time whether or not to have sex with someone based on largely superficial criteria. You may luck out and find someone who happens to be a decent human being this way, but because you aren't basing your initial choices on those deeper criteria, this is not likely to be productive, even in the short run. What you're "buying" in the hookup scene is a hookup. Like the lottery, this may seem like a path to a more substantive goal, but most of the time it isn't.

Ultimately, my advice is this: stop sleeping around. It isn't going to get you want you want. You're messing with fire and complaining about getting burnt. Girls who care about you as a person and who want a more committed relationship will certainly not complain that you're confident and attractive--having your girlfriend complain that you're too sexy is most decidely not normal--but that can't be the ultimate foundation for a real relationship.
posted by valkyryn at 7:43 AM on December 16, 2009 [13 favorites]


There's something that doesn't quite make sense here.

You want to engage in casual dating and sex. Where you don't commit to wanting anything more from the woman than sex, don't commit to exclusivity, and don't commit to seeing her long-term.

But you are hurt when that is how the woman feels about you, too? The woman should be really into and want to commit to you, while she's still just one option of many from your end?

Correct me if I'm wrong but that's how it comes off to me.

I think the way to solve the problem is to recognize this imbalance, figure out why you want it, and to get past it trying to get it.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:48 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]


Obviously, we can't really know what's going on in the heads of the women who have rejected you. But I am a woman, and I have rejected stunningly attractive men after one, two, or three dates.

Here are some of the things that cause me to do this:

He's just not that into me.
He's dismissive of or rude to waitstaff.
He doesn't believe in evolution. At all.
He's evasive or seems dishonest when I ask questions.His lifestyle is not one I want to share.
He doesn't volunteer and/or give to charity.
He's racist.
He's deeply homophobic, or makes jokes about the sexual orientations of others.
He dominates conversations without having listened to my contributions (and I love Deborah Tannen's work, so my conversational style is malleable and not at fault.)
He has nothing to say.
He's not curious about things, or doesn't show any signs of curiosity.
He complains that he's fat or hairy (or in one case, both. He wasn't fat and hairy doesn't bother me.)


Now, take this list with a grain of salt because I'm not some mythical everywoman. But do be aware that any woman worth dating has a list like this - even sub consciously. Might do you some good to sit down and make some notes about what you're not looking for. This can help your brain circle around to what you do want. I suggest this as someone with self esteem issues. My inner critic asks me why I think I deserve a gentle, generous, intelligent partner. But! That inner critic has a harder time arguing that it's fun to be with violent, bigoted jerks who don't enjoy my company.

Another thing I recently did was take a look at the lists of discussion topics in the pre-marriage thread. A lot of the questions about myself didn't have obvious answers. So I've been thinking about them. In the hope that a deeper self awareness will help me choose a wonderful partner.

Finally, uh, I'm single. So, this hasn't gotten me paired off. Yet. But it has kept me from stepping on some relationship landmines.
posted by bilabial at 8:05 AM on December 16, 2009 [7 favorites]


And Ashley801 said what I was coming back to add. It bears repeating. (and it's the point of my first list item.)

If he's not showing appropriate signs of wanting a healthy long term relationship with me, I'm gonna bail. Friends with benefits is not a common enough route to happy marriage for me to play the odds.

And I'm not interested in a double standard where I'm expected to be all starry eyes and he is aloof. I'm looking for the middle way, where we both want each other. Not always 100% equally, but not lopsided.
posted by bilabial at 8:15 AM on December 16, 2009


I just also want to add to my previous comment: it might also help to take a look at whether they should be hurt by you, if the two of you are doing/feeling the same thing towards each other. If you come to a good faith conclusion that they shouldn't be, then I think that perspective will help you in not being hurt by them. If you conclude that they should be, maybe it will help you come up with a better course of action.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:36 AM on December 16, 2009


Oh come on, you've been single and dating and fine-looking for only a year... it can take a long time to find the right person. Be patient, keep up the good effort, and try to learn things about yourself and the girl you want to find in the meantime.

If necessary, do the loser-y kind of thing and ask a girl her reasons when she breaks it off with you. Could just be a lack-of-fit, could be you're irritating in some way (i.e. desperate and over-eager?) and could stand to work on that. Please feel that the default is the former, however... some days I'm amazed at the kinds of guys that manage to land girlfriends. If you're getting really frustrated, just ask, brace yourself for the answer, and accept it if she gives one - don't bother trying to negotiate, she's made up her mind.

And yes, I've found that slimming down and getting in shape hasn't magically opened the door to a new realm of wholly attractive and compatible people. Physically attractive people have the same range of personalities as everyone else. If anything, it seems the shallow quotient goes up a bit in dating attractive people- giving the relationship a try only on the basis the other person is sexy, not because it seems there might be mutual compatibility. Hence the casual sex. Softening the blow to the ego comes through experience and the knowledge that another girl will come your way soon enough.

If you're looking to sashay into a long-term relationship and what you're doing now isn't working out for you, then go about meeting people in a different way - try joining new clubs, volunteer activities or whatever else interests you. At least these new things will keep you busy and less focused on your romantic life.
posted by lizbunny at 10:35 AM on December 16, 2009


You are thinking of yourself as somehow inherently "more attractive" because you're in better shape and wear nicer clothes and have a better haircut. I'm all for fitness and nice clothes and good haircuts, it seems to me that you're judging yourself by pretty superficial standards, which often inspires other people to judge you by pretty superficial standards.

And as others have said, if you're looking for one-night stands, you're going to be hooking up with people who are also looking for one-night stands, so feeling "rejected" when those people don't want to have A Relationship with you doesn't make a lot of sense.

Now one preconception that is both prevalent and, I think, unfair is that many women think that straight men who put a lot of effort into their physique, clothes, and hairstyle are "players" and so the women who aren't looking for something light with a "player" aren't likely to be interested in someone whose self-presentation inspires that characterization.

So yeah, if what you are looking for is to appeal to the group of women who, by and large, would steer clear of "players" because they only want serious relationships with sweet guys, then maybe adjusting your self-presentation to incorporate more of the lovable schlub would help you rather than hurt you.

This is one of the things that sucks about dating, by the way--the ways in which it, as a cultural system, demands ridiculously precise levels of calibration of your self-presentation. One pressure is to be hot and sharp and up-to-the-minute stylish so you can attract others, while a completely countervailing pressure is to "keep it real" and not be "over the top" or you'll alienate the folks who are looking for Twoo Wuv because you'll come off as too glossy and superficial.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:01 AM on December 16, 2009


It’s only after getting to know me really well or quite intimately that they realize they don’t want to have much to do with me anymore.

You don't know this.

As others have suggested, it's far more likely that they were only after a bit of short-term physical fun, so it's not like they ran a mile after discovering your awful personality & loathesome habits - they were never planning to be around long-term in the first place.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:03 PM on December 16, 2009


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