Should we breakup?

December 15, 2009 7:33 AM

How can I decide whether or not to end my relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and recently moved in together. On a day-to-day basis our relationship is fine, but I'm beginning more and more to feel concerned with some aspects long term. Our lease will be up in a few months and I feel that I should decide before then whether or not I think we have a future together, but I don't know how to address my concerns with him. I also feel like it's only fair to let him know how I'm feeling so that he's not blindsided by the news that I'm unsatisfied, but I don't know how to do that without making things very uncomfortable in the meantime.

Just for background, some of the issues I have are fairly simple, such as I'd like us to go do things like see shows or go hiking more often, and I'd like him to help around the house more, and some are more complicated. He comes from a very difficult and messed up family, which leads to him feeling overwhelmed and basically shutting down. I understand that sometimes he needs time and space to deal with his feelings, but it happens so frequently and leads to a lot of chaos in our lives. I also worry that at some point in the future there will be a time that I need him to be strong enough to help me through something, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence that he'll be able to. That may not be fair, he could surprise me, but it is something I worry about. I guess I just feel like I'm losing patience with the way things are, and I don't know if the things I'm impatient with are things he can or will change. I also don't know how to address the issues in a way that's fair to both of us. I can't give an ultimatum, but I also am frustrated enough with these things that I really feel like the relationship can't continue unless some of them change. I've brought up most of the issues on separate occasions in the past, but I think he felt like I was attacking him, and got defensive, so it didn't end up doing very much good, and led to me not feeling comfortable bringing things up.

I guess I'm looking for some advice about how to address our issues in a way that won't alienate him, or any opinions about whether intrinsic issues like shutting down can ever change. Thanks in advance.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Maybe a third neutral party would help in couples therapy.
posted by spec80 at 7:43 AM on December 15, 2009

I feel like the answers on this recent question might be helpful to you. Long story short is, you really need to talk to him, calmly and clearly, about your needs and suggest concrete suggestions (an outing every Saturday; a chore chart) for him to improve. Work on the basics of living together and communicating fairly. If you can tackle things like chores, then I'd re-evaluate my feelings about stuff like long-term prospects; it's possible that those feelings are arising more out of day-to-day frustration than his actual ability to help you through difficult times.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:44 AM on December 15, 2009

Oh, and about the shutting down: I sympathize, because Mr. WanKenobi is similar. We have an understanding that certain daily tasks get done no matter how bad you feel (though it might take a little longer, and I'm understanding about that!), which helps significantly. But I've also learned to be fairly respectful of his space as an initial coping mechanism--if he starts to shut down, I give him an afternoon, or an evening. Then we talk about it. Different people having different ways of reacting to stress; it's possible that he might not ever change, but that doesn't mean that you can't find ways to meet in the middle.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:48 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Things can change, though he has to want to change. Does he? Do you want to work on his problems with him? Even then, there's no guarantee that he will change.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he seems like he wants to make a change, make an appointment for a therapist (that is, if you really want to stay with him in the first place...).
posted by inturnaround at 7:48 AM on December 15, 2009

Seconding the couples therapy recommendation. I know, I know, AskMe is always sending everyone to therapy...but I went through a rough patch with my then-girlfriend-now-wife after we moved in together and it helps a lot to talk through your underlying problems. May be hard to get to that point, but if he's committed enough to the relationship he will go. And a tip: let him be involved in choosing the therapist, one thing that helped me was to have a male therapist so I didn't feel like I was being judged as much.
posted by graymouser at 8:03 AM on December 15, 2009

I think what you're experiencing is the crux of what it means to commit to someone. Not saying commitment means having to carry your partners shit but I think there is a huge part of being in a relationship when you have to deal with a persons shortcomings in a compassionate way. The thing with change is it doesn't happen overnight. There's a lot of two steps forward one step back action. Are you willing to do that work by his side? It's ok if you're not. You've been staying in something at the expense of your needs and that's not a healthy dynamic for either one of you. It obviously has built up some resentment on your end which makes things a little bit harder.Talking to him in a calm and clear manner will help but also letting him know the seriousness of what you're feeling clearly and directly is the information he needs from you-that you are thinking of leaving the relationship. I say make it simple.

An example: my brother, bless his soul, is a beautiful person with the same challenge of shutting down when things get to be too much. Throw in a little alcohol abuse and he's a mess. His wife, bless her soul, sat him down and said something to this effect:"dude, I love you. And, I got your back. Whatever you try to do to grow as a human being, I am right by your side. I will fight the fight with you. But, you're not doing the work and that is draining me. I am not in the business of babysitting or trying to save someone from themselves so if you're not going to do the work, I can't support you and I'm out" Thank goodness she said this to him. She loved him enough to know that being with him in his emotional stagnation was not going to fly for either of them. My brother got the courage to get help and is slowly growing. It's quite beautiful to witness but hella work!
Now, you need to decide if you would stay with him if he started the process of growing beyond what he can do now because it is a long road. If you feel like you can't do it or you've wasted enough time on a lost cause, then so be it. But you first decide what you want and need knowing he is not giving it to you right now and maybe not for a while. Can you hang?
posted by Hydrofiend at 8:11 AM on December 15, 2009 [11 favorites]

Another vote for relationship therapy. One of the things I loved about the counseling my husband and I received before we married was our therapist's attitude of essentially "Look, maybe you have deep emotional issues stemming from childhood--and we can acknowledge that and support you in working through those--but right now, right this minute you're in a relationship, and you can't put treating your partner decently on indefinite hold while you sort out your own issues."

It can be really helpful to separate out a) all of the emotional baggage each person carries, and b) the practical strategies both partners can employ to treat each other well despite whatever that baggage might be.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:34 AM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Maybe first consider how you would be dealing with this if your lease were not about to expire.

You could continue with your SO and have the necessary conversations when you are ready (and it seems you are) without the added pressure of something like a lease speeding up or having any effect on the process.

If you renew your lease, it can be broken or roomates found, etc. I would probably address problems - just not in the context that any lease is about to expire. It's not fair to either of you.
posted by marimeko at 8:38 AM on December 15, 2009

Nth'ing couples therapy. It really does work to have a third party who is experienced in helping you deal with relationship issues and interpersonal communication. I believe even people who think their relationship is OK can benefit from therapy. You learn a lot of good things about yourself and the other person that you never even realized you didn't know.

In the end, you still may decide to break it off, but with therapy you'll have a LOT better understanding of why (what you need out of a relationship, why your current partner is not suited for you, how to communicate better with your partner, etc).

Even just 3-4 sessions can be extremely useful.
posted by bengarland at 8:49 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

From my previous relationships I have discovered that the annoyance over the small things like not cleaning up is actually founded in deeper issues. In both of my previous long term relationships I reached a point of frustration and contempt with my partner because, deep down, I felt the relationship was not equitable. Now the issues weren't the same in both relationships, but the outcome was. I brought up the little issues over and over again until they became so huge and insurmountable that we broke up. I really don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I never brought up the big issues of inequality in the relationships.

His tendancy to shut down is much like my most recent ex, and in that relationship I had severe issues in communication and support and felt that I was contributing the bulk of the emotional capital to the relationship. Had I examined that feeling and discussed it with him early on, we may have worked out. But as it played out, because he was unwilling to address such issues and I was hesitant to bring them up, we broke up spectacularly and much pain was caused.

See if you can go to couples counseling and failing that examine how you want to talk about the underlying issue that you feel you do not have the support you need. Good luck.
posted by teleri025 at 8:49 AM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

I also worry that at some point in the future there will be a time that I need him to be strong enough to help me through something, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence that he'll be able to. That may not be fair, he could surprise me, but it is something I worry about.

I've always found the messed up people work the best under these circumstances. It is default and they are more clear-headed than others. The problem is that they seek that situation as a default as well and see regular issues as being larger than they are because that's all they are used to.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:20 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

A couple of years before we got married my now-wife and I got into a fight that came within a hair's breadth of ending our relationship about the impact my depression and anxiety were having on her. It led through a pretty rough patch to a long period of talk therapy (with some inconclusive pharmaceutical support in the middle) that I really needed and which has had a lasting impact on my life. Among other things I think I would be a making some big mistakes as a parent now if I hadn't done this. My attitude towards therapy was always "yeah that is probably a good idea but..." and of course there were always a million reasons large and small why it just wasn't the right time to pursue it.

I don't think I would have been pushed to actually following that "probably a good idea" up if my relationship hadn't basically been on the line. People will always say that you can't make ultimatums but any dealbreaker in a relationship is intrinsically an ultimatum: if you are indeed frustrated enough with these things that you really feel like the relationship can't continue unless some of them change then your boyfriend is already in an ultimatum situation, he just doesn't know about it yet.

I'd like to say I can now see how my situation could have panned out without a big blow-up and some touch-and go weeks, and you have to consider the perspective that what followed was half a decade of an hour a week on the couch and slow change which certainly didn't transform me into a different person or eliminate depression, anxiety and withdrawal from my life (though the progress was at least sufficient that she agree to marry me a year later and that's worked out for 8 years so far). People do change but it doesn't happen automatically or simply by having some kind of come-to-Jesus moment and a lot of people need help changing - especially when their problems are the sort that involve deep seated family issues that play out in a tendency to withdraw into a state where effectively engaging with reality is impossible.
posted by nanojath at 11:14 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

If therapy is scary/ overwhelming/ off-putting, try to have a sit-down talk. Outline your thoughts ahead of time, state your concerns, and ask for his. Make sure he states his concerns, too, even if he thinks they're little things. Clearly tell him your expectations, and what "helping around the house" means to you. It may sound childish, or too basic, but in my few years of marriage, I've come to realize that my wife and I need to spell things out the first time, then we're clear. Does a clean house mean the dishes are put away, or that the counters and floor are swept and scrubbed?

Also, you might find that he's just not up to your level of activity. I find myself understanding both sides of your situation. I'm the guy who is relaxed about the level of cleanliness, but I'm also the one who loves to go to shows and go hiking. We work on cleaning together, yet I'll go to shows alone when my wife isn't up for the social scene.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:37 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay".

It takes a diagnostic approach to dealing with the possible end of a relationship, not just weighing up the pros and cons.

It has also given me much insight into my ex's behaviour, as well as my own.
posted by flutable at 6:02 PM on December 15, 2009