help me get some safely
December 14, 2009 8:50 PM   Subscribe

CasualSex-filter: I am a straight woman. I'm not into the bar/club scene whatsoever. I've never had casual sex, and want to change this. Tips for doing this as safely as possible?

This would be completely no-strings. I don't want to do this with anyone I already know nor with their friends. I cannot host, but can travel. And since this would be my first time with casual sex, even if the guy is very attractive and seems safe, I'm not 100% sure I would go through with it.

I'm considering posting/answering on craigslist or something. I have a few questions but the most important is... tips for doing this as safely as possible?

Any other tips for "best results" (for lack of a better term)? Am I better off going with one of the regular w4m or m4w boards or casual encounters? Better for me to post or to reply to a post? Any codes I need to know? I would prefer not to help someone cheat on their wife/girlfriend, but realize there's no way I can be sure whether or not the guy is actually single... but tips for filtering? Better ways to do this other than craiglist? Anything else I should know? I'm in the Vancouver, BC, Canada area if it makes a difference.

throwaway email:

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I would think okcupid would be better than Craigslist. At least you will be matched with someone you might like.
posted by jrockway at 9:00 PM on December 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

Craigslist, casual encounters.

If you post, you'll get tons of emails and you can pick and choose. Be sure to meet with the person beforehand in a public place, with the expectation that nothing sexual is on the table until after that first meeting.

Don't bother trying to figure out whether someone is cheating - aside from obvious signs it's too much effort, and if they're looking to cheat they'll do it with or without you. Not your responsibility.
posted by ripley_ at 9:02 PM on December 14, 2009

Set up a safecall. Tell a friend where you are going, and make sure they have your date's name, address, and phone number. Make an agreement that you need to call by such and such a time or they will call the cops.
posted by ottereroticist at 9:26 PM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Craig's List personals are ghetto and sleazy. You want to be clean and safe, right? So use an actual dating site, where users are required to spend more than 30 seconds on their profile. It doesn't guaranatee anything, but at least there's some sort of bar for entry, even if that bar is just slightly more than minimal effort.
posted by bingo at 9:27 PM on December 14, 2009

>: Craigslist, casual encounters.

sleazy sleazy jesus christ sleazy. Don't do this.
posted by dunkadunc at 9:42 PM on December 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's a shame you're not interested in bars, because bartenders at regular ol' drinking bars are pretty much a perfect population within which to seek respectfully casual sex. (Not that it's guaranteed, all bartenders are not looking to sleep with anyone who asks, but you get used to fielding a lot of requests as a bartender, and if you're single, you get used to sussing out the 'eh, ok, that'd be fun!' opportunities.)

I don't think you're going to be comfortable sifting through the responses you'll get on Craigslist, many of which will not be sincere/representational. You're better off with a dating site and noting that you're not looking for anything too serious/longterm.

Casual sex doesn't need to be with complete strangers to be no-strings and discreet.
posted by desuetude at 10:14 PM on December 14, 2009

Do you really want to not know the person before at all before you do it? I think you would be better off trying to meet someone online, with the understanding that you are mostly looking for a no-strings sexual relationship. Most guys would be pretty happy with that relationship.
posted by delmoi at 1:25 AM on December 15, 2009

Why not an okcupid profile and just start talking with people you seem are attractive, and when you feel like it might be a person you want to persue just lay it out for them. I doubt they wouldn't be responsive. That way their at least semi-normal dudes and not sleazy craigslist people.
posted by mattsweaters at 3:58 AM on December 15, 2009

By "safely" I'm not sure if you mean WRT safety from assault/rape, or safety from STDs. So I will say:

1. Most "comprehensive" STD tests don't check for herpes or HPV (the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer). In fact, there is no HPV test for men at all; doctors only visually diagnose in the percentage of cases where symptoms appear. So even if a guy says he's been fully tested and even if he thinks he's telling the truth, he probably has not been tested for herpes at all, and definitely hasn't been for HPV.

2. Condoms are far more effective at preventing STDs spread through bodily fluids, like AIDS, than those spread through skin contact, like herpes and HPV, because they don't cover all the skin involved.

3. About 74% of Americans have contracted a form of genital HPV at some point, while 1 in 5 have contracted HSV2 (genital herpes,) and 80% have contracted HSV1 (oral herpes).

So, to protect yourself, I think you should get the HPV vaccine, and insist on a herpes blood test for your partners.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:30 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Insisting on a herpes blood test for your partners definitely changes any definition of "casual" sex I have ever encountered. I have HSV1 and have had it since I was a little girl. It's entirely possible that you have it, for example, and are just asymptomatic.

Yes, absolutely get the HPV vaccine. You should have gotten that anyway, independently from any desire for casual sex. I can't honestly subscribe to a full blood panel before casual sex, unless you are prepared to invest in a filing system to collect all the medical history of random men from the internet/bars/friends-of-friends, not that I would ever share that kind of information with a stranger myself. That's what relationships are for.

Be careful, for the love of all that is holy use condoms for PIV sex and condoms/dental dams for oral sex, use gloves if you're exploring other cavities, use lube to minimize potential tearing. Bring your own of all of the above. I'd recommend OKCupid, they have a way to indicate that you are looking for random hookups and you can screen potential offers that way.

Most importantly, stay alert, tell someone where you're going, bring your own supplies, make sure you have a way to get home on no-notice (no waiting for rides!), and relax.
posted by lydhre at 6:03 AM on December 15, 2009

OkCupid = place to meet similarly-interested people screened based on criteria you select;
CraigsList = online equivalent of a streetcorner in a sketchy section of town.
posted by Kadin2048 at 4:18 PM on December 15, 2009

Craigslist is going to give you a bigger pool from which to choose, more people use it than any dating sight. Okcupid has just as many sleazy people using it, but the advantage there is that you don't have to post an ad. The disadvantage of okcupid is that you have to post your picture and it's going to be public and less anonymous. What you're desiring is kind of a sleazy thing, not that there's anything wrong with that, so Craigslist is probably the way to go.
posted by Locobot at 6:20 PM on December 15, 2009

go on an online datng site, and in your profile specify that you're looking for nsa sex, or a fuck buddy if you're interested in setting up a recurring engagement. i know a woman who this and met one of the guys--he was totally normal and nice, just single and horny, like she was. as far as i know it worked out for as long as it lasted. granted, this was in new york, so the pool was a bit bigger, but i'm sure you could find someone anywhere.

as for safety, keep a friend in the loop, don't drink too much, use a condom, use your common sense. also, meet up after work and make it an early night. if you get any weird vibes, take a cab home so he can't follow you.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:55 PM on December 15, 2009

in your profile specify that you're looking for nsa sex, or a fuck buddy if you're interested in setting up a recurring engagement.

You'll probably get more (and more interesting) potential partners if you say "casual dating" or "nothing serious" than no-strings-attacked sex or fuck buddy. The puritan streak can crop up in some unexpected ways.
posted by desuetude at 8:19 PM on December 15, 2009

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