Should I still break up with him in person if he asked about our relationship using e-mail?
December 11, 2009 11:18 AM   Subscribe

I've been dating someone for a couple of months and I'm positive that I don't want to continue the relationship. I planned to break up with him in person, but he just sent me an e-mail asking if I'm no longer interested. Does this make it more appropriate to break up with him via e-mail?

I've been seeing the same man exclusively since October, and I've concluded that he isn't the right person for me due to various personality conflicts. Since we started seeing each other, he writes me several times a day, and I usually only respond once or twice due to my busy schedule, which he has a hard time understanding. (The other reason I rarely write is because his letters never contain anything of interest and I can't think of anything to respond to them, but for obvious reasons, I've never bothered explaining this to him.) We see each other once or twice a week, so our relationship isn't terribly serious.

I planned to do the right thing and break up with him in person, but my grueling grad school finals schedule has put everything else out of my head and I haven't thought of him in a week or so. I won't have the time to see him in person for another week. This morning, clearly frustrated with my usual e-mailing patterns, he wrote to ask why we haven't been e-mailing and wondered if I'm no longer interested. Is it less hurtful to him to write an e-mail back explaining the same things that I planned to tell him in person, or is it less hurtful to make him wait until I can see him so that I deliver the news in person? If so, what do I write to him now? "Sorry, I'm so, so busy, and I honestly don't have a minute to spare to see you. Can we have coffee in late December?" Is a phone call an option?

It seems awful to make him wait. I know that conventional wisdom says in-person break-ups are the best route, but this particular situation leaves me confused, since the other party brought it up over e-mail himself.
posted by coffeeflavored to Human Relations (34 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I think the most graceful thing to do, since he's given you the opening, is to just reply and say yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not convinced that all breakups need to be in person.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:21 AM on December 11, 2009 [5 favorites]


I think in that case emailing would make it sound worse: "I thought ignoring your emails would work, but since you ask, yes, we are done." I'd tell him I was busy. Because you are. Unless he's an especially hopeful person, and it would really ruin his life to make him wait, I think you should wait.
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 11:22 AM on December 11, 2009


My gut says that if I were frusterated enough with a girl to send an email like that one I'd already be pretty clear about the answer and not opposed to hearing it in a reply. A phone call might be more appropriate, but again, if I didn't want to hear something via email I wouldn't ask it that way.

So here's a vote for composing a thoughtful, sensitive, but unambiguous email staying you're done. Consider a phone call, but I don't see any need to wait until after finals.
posted by valkyryn at 11:22 AM on December 11, 2009 [5 favorites]


You tell him that you're absolutely swamped with finals right now (shouldn't he already know this?) and you'd like to talk to him about your relationship afterwards. If he forces the issue via email after that, then tell him the truth via the forum he selected.
posted by inturnaround at 11:24 AM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


If he hasn't been calling, which would make this seem like he went to email as a last resort, then I think it's fine to use email. He definitely seems to have opened the door. "I wanted to wait until we had a chance to speak in person, but since you asked I feel it's unfair to skirt the question, yes I think we'd be better off...."
posted by syntheticfaith at 11:25 AM on December 11, 2009 [24 favorites]


He's asking for an answer now. Whether you put off answering, reply to his email with your answer or tell him you need to see him in person, he's going to know you're done. So, you might as well just do this quickly for both your sakes and tell him by email.
posted by katillathehun at 11:25 AM on December 11, 2009


Can you call him? For some reason I think that would seem a little less cold.
posted by oinopaponton at 11:25 AM on December 11, 2009


You have to reply in some way . . . you can't just leave him hanging. And meeting in a week or so for coffee so you can break up with him sounds kinda awful since he's kinda on to you.

He gave you the opening . . . reciprocate in kind. A simple kind email is fine in this situation . . . "I'm sorry . . . I'm not interested, but thank you for your friendship/good times,whatever." Maybe throw in there that you were hoping things in your life would die down somewhat so that you could have told him in person. But alas, it is what it is.
posted by Sassyfras at 11:27 AM on December 11, 2009


I wouldn't drag it out any longer at this point -- just send a short, kind reply and get it over with. I suspect you'll both feel relieved afterward.
posted by kate blank at 11:27 AM on December 11, 2009


Since any response (including none at all) other than "OH MY GOD i'm so sorry my cat died and my mother had kittens and the roof grew wings and blew away of course we're still an item in fact let's get married tomorrow" is going to be taken as a turndown, you may as well just let him have his turndown gently, gracefully, honestly and without a lot of sobbing.

IOW, tear off the bandaid.
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:27 AM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your answers. I think maybe I've had IN-PERSON BREAK-UPS ARE THE ONLY WAY drilled into me by askmefi so often that I couldn't develop a proper read on the situation and am very grateful that you all took the time to evaluate my individual situation.
posted by coffeeflavored at 11:32 AM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]


Yeah, he brought it up over email himself, and yeah, it would be easier...
But once/twice a week since October merits something more. Why not give him the option?
I'd send an email that said something like, "Well, truthfully, this isn't working out for me. But I'd like to meet you to talk about it after my finals next week, anytime between December X and X. Tell me when and where is good for you."

If he replies that he wants to see you, go and be honest.
If he replies that you shouldn't bother...Merry Christmas.
posted by Paris Elk at 11:33 AM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]


Yeah reply via email, but definitely put some care into crafting the email. No two sentence blow off. Apologize you didn't have a chance to tell him in person etc etc.
posted by whoaali at 11:36 AM on December 11, 2009


I'd send an email that said something like, "Well, truthfully, this isn't working out for me. But I'd like to meet you to talk about it after my finals next week, anytime between December X and X. Tell me when and where is good for you."

I disagree with this because it could make him think there's a chance to reverse the breakup when, really, it would just be a meeting so she could further drill it into his head that she's breaking up with him. Perhaps you can make yourself available to talk about it if he wants to, but don't invite him out and make him sit through Breakup! Part Deux.
posted by katillathehun at 11:39 AM on December 11, 2009 [8 favorites]


he just sent me an e-mail asking if I'm no longer interested. Does this make it more appropriate to break up with him via e-mail?

Yes. If he asked you such an explicit, direct question over email, he could hardly fault you for responding in the same medium with your honest answer.

Now, you're right to be concerned that that's a bit cold. But it seems like your alternative is to leave him hanging for a long time just so you can eventually meet him in person to say (essentially), "Sorry, it's over! Wasn't it nice of me to say it to your face instead of promptly responding to your email?" If so, a prompt email reply would seem like the lesser of two evils.

Or think of it this way: if you send him the "Sorry, I'm so, so busy, and I honestly don't have a minute to spare to see you..." that you suggest in your question, he'll probably assume you're going to break up with him anyway. So it could be the worst of both worlds: you sorta/almost broke up over email, but you've still left him hanging. And what for? So you can eventually say, "Hey, now that it's 'late December,' we're through!" If I were him, I'd rather get the brutal email right away than the I'm-too-busy-to-break-up-for-a-while email.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2009


IN-PERSON BREAK-UPS ARE THE ONLY WAY

Eh, I think they're often the best way, but not always always ALWAYS. Given that he emailed you to ask directly, I agree that a short (longer than a sentence or two, but not paragraph after paragraph), kind, clear response is fine.
posted by scody at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2009


It's fair to him to know asap, which would be accomplished by an email. This will allow him to move on. Also give him the option of closure face-to-face, if he wants, but make sure that he knows that this meeting would only have one possible outcome.
posted by Danf at 11:41 AM on December 11, 2009


Another vote for email reply right away. A kind "not interested" email reply now is less hurtful than waiting to say it in person. If you really need to talk about it, the email doesn't preclude that, and he's asked for news now.
posted by anadem at 11:42 AM on December 11, 2009


One more thing: I agree with whoaali. The World Famous's suggested message (if you just sent those two sentences with nothing added) would be a tad on the curt/uncaring side.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:42 AM on December 11, 2009


Phone call.
posted by meadowlark lime at 11:45 AM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


The only absolute rule is that you should give the person on the receiving end of the break-up the dignity that they deserve. A twerp who can barely remember your first name, an abusive partner, and a doting companion all deserve different break-ups.

It sounds like this guy deserves a phone call - and one where all the typical rules of a break-ups-done-right apply: No equivocating, no kind lies, no cruel truths, no lingering, no further contact (until and unless he makes it).
posted by greekphilosophy at 12:01 PM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]


I still think in person is the decent thing to do because it gives the person resolution, finality. Like if somebody died and there was no funeral, you'd feel this lack of closure. Also, when people are operating from a position of hurt or doubt, they'll often throw out little hooks like, "You want to leave me don't you" that I think are really more intended to communicate hurt than give people an opening to actually leave. They want you to say "oh no no no, not at all" so they can have assurance and feel secure. So just because he has emailed you, which is his most frequent method of communication, I don't think that's his blessing to just reply back "yeah". You can spare the 45 minutes it would take to drive to the coffee place, have a brief chat, and drive back. Do it soon and get it over with. It's a mercy. And if you do it, you don't ever have to wonder if you did the right thing. Nothing more could be expected of you.
posted by Askr at 12:12 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]


Maybe this is just me...but when I send an email, it's implicit that I want to get an emailed response. It's a huge pet peeve of mine when people respond to emails by phone. It'd be one thing if you read this on your Blackberry and happened to be standing right next to him, but in general if I use one medium of communication, it's in part because I want to be responded to in that same medium.

Only you know if this guy would rather hear it in person, but if it were me, the fact that I emailed you the question rather than saying "Let's get together this weekend, I want to talk to you about something" is an unambiguous way to say "If I'm going to get bad news from you, I would rather get it in an email".
posted by crinklebat at 12:19 PM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]


I vote for a quick, gentle email.
It's better than a Post It Note.
posted by willmize at 12:46 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


Email is fine for this situation. I think the in-person breakup rule applies mostly to serious, established relationships in which the couple see each other regularly. If you haven't been dating long and only see each other once a week or so, it seems kind of cruel to invite the guy out for coffee and BOOM breakup and the dumpee's stuck riding on the bus alone and crying.

I've been on the receiving end of the two-months-in breakup a few times. If his experience is anything like mine were, he's probably suspected that you've had a foot out the door for a while, and the blunt question of "are you no longer interested?" means "seriously if you're going to break up with me, just do it already so I can get on with my life."

The period of time between when you first suspect you're getting dumped and when the axe falls is absolutely nervewracking, and that's where he is now. Quickness trumps proximity here.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:55 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'd go with the email, but preface it with "I wanted to tell you this in person, but..."
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 1:06 PM on December 11, 2009


You know what? While I agree that there are good and bad ways to do this, he's given you the opportunity to do it via email, so go for it. He should be glad you're considering being direct with him - I personally just went through a breakup after six years of being with someone, and it was announced to me by my ex by her changing her relationship status on frikking Facebook. No call, no email, just flip a switch and sayonara to six years. Trust me, he's getting off easy, do the email and better luck next time.
posted by dbiedny at 1:09 PM on December 11, 2009


Phone call.

(I still make fun of the guy who broke up with me over email. I find it hilarious, as do the dozens of people to whom I have told the story of the end of our relationship.)
posted by decathecting at 1:24 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]


Phone call. Or what syntheticfaith suggested. Not right to keep him hanging on.
posted by londongeezer at 2:00 PM on December 11, 2009


Nah, email is fine, so long as it's a real email, not just a couple of sentances. He brought it up over email, so it's okay to reply by email. Or call if you want.

The thing is, he's a real person, who, presumably, you can talk to, and relate to. Maybe he was just $5 away from signing up for MeFi just so he could ask if we thought you were trying to blow him off, and whether it was okay to ask you about it by email or if he had to get you into a coffeeshop before he could bring it up. Tell him what you think!

(1) you've been really busy
(2) you're sorry for not spending more time with him, but the realization of how your priorities stand does point out to you that the relationship isn't headed well
(3) trying to treat him well is important so you had planned on waiting until you could talk in person, and doing stuff over emai lis awkward, and you apologize for that
(4) but making him wait for your convenience isn't treating him well, so since he brought it up, he's right, you think things should end.
(5) if he wants to call you and talk, you'll make time for that.

On the other hand, maybe he asked you over email since he can't get hold of you any other way when you're so busy, but he's really hoping that email will inspire you to call him.

Bottom line is, you're not likely to talk to him much after this, so if he makes fun of you on internet forums for breaking up over email, you'll never know or care.
posted by aimedwander at 2:04 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]


He opened the door to the question via email, so it's perfectly fine to continue in that vein. The main reason for not doing it this way usually is out of respect for the other person and their feelings. Since it obviously doesn't bother him, there's no issue.
posted by Solomon at 2:24 PM on December 11, 2009


It was classy and correct of you to wish to do this in person, but as others have said, now that he's asked the question in e-mail, you have to be honest about it and answer promptly...

So unless the e-mail says "Call me" or something, yes, you should reply the same way, by e-mail.
posted by rokusan at 3:18 PM on December 11, 2009


Nthing syntheticfaith's classy email response, here.

I once emailed a guy asking him basically "where do we stand"? I was quite satisfied and relieved that he was straightforward enough to send me a relatively quick reply expressing that it was over instead of turning it into an extremely awkward personal drama on a phone call or meeting, etc.

If he's asked a direct question by email, it's both respectful and appropriate to respond similarly.
posted by darkstar at 5:50 PM on December 11, 2009


2nding darkstar.

If he's asking in an email, then he would probably prefer you to reply in fashion than wait and go through the torture on the phone or in person. Tell him you had wanted to speak to him face to face but since he's asked...
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:40 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


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