I like you but.... =0/

December 9, 2009 2:18 PM

I have been dating a variety of people, for various lengths of time, for about two years now, however I dont seem to like anyone in the special way which would allow me to enter into a full-fledge relationship with them. Is this normal or is this just a case of being too picky?

I am a 25 (almost 26) year old male who already has been in two long-term relationships. One lasted four years the other one, which ended about two years ago lasted three. The ending of this particular relationship was very hard on me but after going through some therapy (and reading lots of meta-filter questions) I got over it. After this period of self-reflection was completed, I started dating.

At first it was liberating because even though I was 24 years old this was my first chance to ever play the field as a grown up. Since then I have dated a variety of people and I have had what I can describe as "fun" times. However the itch to get back into a relationship again is coming back but now the problem is that it doesnt seem that anybody that I am dating or have dated so far fits the bill.

I think that my list can be considered short: all I want is somebody that I am physically attracted, happens to have a nice personality that is compatible with mine and is also free of baggage (i.e no babies). Also it would be nice if this person is educated and doing something with their life.

However all I get is the following:

1) Physically-attractive: 90% of the time they have no soul or personality (yet somehow are attracted to me), or the other 10% of the time they are pretty AND nice but somehow I mess it up by being overly enthusiastic (I am definitely working on this)

2) Nice people who I like to be with but for some reason or another I am not physically attracted to (even if they are physically attractive to most other males).

Because of who I am, I find myself 75% of the time dating people in the second category, I really want to meet someone and hope that even if I dont like them initially after getting to know them my feelings will change. This is not happening however and it is breaking my heart as I am currently dating someone who I really like but after three months of being with her I could tell that she likes me a whole lot more than I like her and I just wish I felt the same way. Because of this, I am going to have to stop seeing her as I dont want to mislead her.

Hive, please help me? Am I asking for too much? Am I too shallow? Is it normal and ok to keep on holding out for whatever my idea of the "right person" is?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Frankly, it sounds like you've dated too little, not too much. The feelings you have are normal.

i don't know how you find dates, but it'd be best to find them through mutual friends/activities and not bars and singles websites. You'd be surprised how utterly gorgeous people become when you have a small/moderate attraction coupled with commonality of interests/worldviews.

So, yes, you are being a bit shallow :)
posted by teg4rvn at 2:26 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Normal. Forget the analysis and overthinking and planning. If you have to sit down and do math to figure out if someone is a good match or not... if you even have to wonder about it... they're not.

You can lower standards for dating, and you can lower standards for sex, but you can't lower standards for long-term compatibility or romance, because you don't control those things.

When it is a good match, you will know, and you will be completely certain. No thinking needed.

Keep dating.
posted by rokusan at 2:29 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Keep Dating. It's all about failing until you succeed.

You seem to have your head on your shoulders about this and are being pretty responsible;

Only advice I have is look for a great Person not a great Relationship.
posted by French Fry at 2:38 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Because of who I am, I find myself 75% of the time dating people in the second category, I really want to meet someone and hope that even if I dont like them initially after getting to know them my feelings will change.

Stop doing that. You're not being too shallow.
posted by ludwig_van at 2:45 PM on December 9, 2009

Eventually, you will either meet someone really attractive who will want you, or you will get to know someone semi-attractive and they will become more attractive to you.

Then you will break up, and it will happen again another 500 times.
posted by bingo at 3:19 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Quit worrying about it. You'll either meet someone or you won't. It's not a numbers game. I'm a firm believer in not torturing yourself by forcing yourself to go out on agonizing date after date, when you know damn well things aren't going to work out. When you meet someone you click with you'll know. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Sometimes the only thing worse than being alone is being with someone. Keep that in mind.
posted by dortmunder at 3:25 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

This can be frustrating, but it is also completely normal. Who you are attracted to doesn't necessarily coincide with how awesome someone is. Meaning you can meet lots of awesome people and feel no more attraction to them than platonic, friendship type feelings, but there are a relatively small number of people who will not only be awesome but will also trigger romantic/sexual feelings. Enjoy yourself and be patient. It will happen, as long as you're open and don't settle for someone you feel lukewarm towards.
posted by katemcd at 7:34 PM on December 9, 2009

You are 26 and have already been in 2 relationships spanning 6 years?? I am diagnosing you a Serial Monogamist who is uncomfortable with Not being in a relationship. Two years or more is a Completely normal amount of time to date around, sleep around, etc. while exploring your options. Meet people online and flirt with them on facebook. Have one night stands with sexy strangers (use a condom duh). Don't go into things needing a relationship to happen. Most people you meet don't expect a relationship right away anyway. Deep breath. It's okay.
posted by mynameismandab at 9:14 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]