Boyfriend. Almost.
December 9, 2009 1:38 PM Subscribe
I have this boyfriend. Sort of.
I'm a first-year student in a demanding graduate program in a new city. Very early in the semester, while everyone was still socially feeling everyone else out, I clicked with Boy while on a series of group excursions. By early September, we were hanging out with each other, pretty much to the exclusion of everyone else, every single day, most of the day. We were just friends at this point. At first, I hoped we would remain that way, as I really enjoyed him and I wanted to hang out with him forever, sans drama. He was newly out of a three-year relationship that he broke off when he moved here to attend the graduate program, and I have had a year of romantic upheaval which featured, among other disasters, a final breakup with someone I'd been on-and-off with for four years, and right before I moved away from my old city, a mutual declaration of love with my male best friend and a subsequent failed attempt to date. When I met Boy, it seemed obvious, through our early conversations where we told each other about these things, that neither of us was ready or looking for anything more than a new friend.
Then he kissed me, and it changed. This happened two months ago--a little over a month after the time we started hanging out constantly. Despite the fact that I felt we were both not ready for anything, we definitely did like each other as more than friends (prior to kiss-day, we'd watch movies on his bed for an excuse to cuddle). We decided to proceed with "dating."
Now we are two months in to "dating" and there are problems. We fight. Our main problem is me, and the fact that I am hung up on words. When we first started, we agreed to take things slowly and cautiously, and to him, that meant no "titles." No "boyfriend" and no "girlfriend." That was fine at the beginning--I didn't want to have a friend one day and a full-on boyfriend the next day either. To me, taking things slowly meant a slow progression. However, through a series of conversations and fights over the past three weeks, it's come out that he STILL isn't ready for titles.
We've been "dating" for two months, and it's not normal dating, where you see the person a few times a week and send some emails and make some phone calls. We are exclusive. We admit we care for one another a great deal. We spend most of our days, every day, together. We have almost all the same classes, as we are not only committing program-cest, we are committing concentration-cest. We are boyfriend and girlfriend in practice, as most people understand the words. We have a few other acquaintance-type friends in our program that we do things with, but we are only close with each other, since we clicked so early on and then, probably unwisely, removed ourselves from everyone else.
It seems we have different definitions of what "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" mean. To me, it means we are 1) romantically involved, 2) committed, and 3) exclusive. To him, it has two extra criteria, which are, a more heightened level of emotional intimacy than he feels we have reached (partially since we've only known each other three and a half months), and a higher level of certainty that the relationship will work in the long term. He is not quite at the latter yet, he says, because we have been fighting so much lately. We have been fighting so much lately because I take everything very personally and make small things huge because I feel so insecure and disposable because he can't call me his girlfriend. He agrees we meet my criteria of the word and says we can call each other these things if it means we are using my definition. Great, right? Except I still somehow feel cheated. I want him to have the heightened level of emotional intimacy. I want him to have confidence that it will last in the long term. He agrees we are on a trajectory to those things, but how long can this take? You'd think that after spending THIS much time with a person, he'd be there. Or, he'd think "I'm not there yet, after spending this much time with her, and that means I might never be."
Another thing confounding this issue might be our age difference. Boy is six years younger than I am. I am 28. I worked for awhile and squandered my youth before coming to grad school. He's right out of undergrad. Our age difference is not apparent--I am exceedingly immature and look very young for my age, and he's rather mature for his age, except in the realm of calling people his girlfriend. I worry that because of our age difference, our senses of time and urgency do not match up. At 22, I felt I had all the time in the world to sit and decide about someone, too. Now I feel old and world-weary and I am sick of halfway-there relationships and I just want to be done.
I am worried we are doomed. I do not want to be doomed. I should probably mention that I really, really, really like him a lot. He is brilliant and silly and so much fun and so sane. He's so, so, so sane and different from every boy I've ever been with in the past--I have tended to be with moody, crazy artistic types with very little ambition. He is full of ambition and not moody and not crazy and not artistic. I can't help but feel, in my current position, that I am some novel old lady he's experimenting with while in the confines of grad school, and then he'll be done with me and move on to a girl his own age afterwards and marry her and have kids when he's 30 and meanwhile I will have just gotten older and older while wasting my time with him, hoping he'd eventually feel serious enough about me to call me his girlfriend willingly, and waste away old and bitter.
I say most of these last things in half-jest, but you get the main idea.
Why do I care so much about a word?
I really do not want to break up. I am afraid we may. And then I lose not only my sir, but my only friend in grad school.
Help.
I'm a first-year student in a demanding graduate program in a new city. Very early in the semester, while everyone was still socially feeling everyone else out, I clicked with Boy while on a series of group excursions. By early September, we were hanging out with each other, pretty much to the exclusion of everyone else, every single day, most of the day. We were just friends at this point. At first, I hoped we would remain that way, as I really enjoyed him and I wanted to hang out with him forever, sans drama. He was newly out of a three-year relationship that he broke off when he moved here to attend the graduate program, and I have had a year of romantic upheaval which featured, among other disasters, a final breakup with someone I'd been on-and-off with for four years, and right before I moved away from my old city, a mutual declaration of love with my male best friend and a subsequent failed attempt to date. When I met Boy, it seemed obvious, through our early conversations where we told each other about these things, that neither of us was ready or looking for anything more than a new friend.
Then he kissed me, and it changed. This happened two months ago--a little over a month after the time we started hanging out constantly. Despite the fact that I felt we were both not ready for anything, we definitely did like each other as more than friends (prior to kiss-day, we'd watch movies on his bed for an excuse to cuddle). We decided to proceed with "dating."
Now we are two months in to "dating" and there are problems. We fight. Our main problem is me, and the fact that I am hung up on words. When we first started, we agreed to take things slowly and cautiously, and to him, that meant no "titles." No "boyfriend" and no "girlfriend." That was fine at the beginning--I didn't want to have a friend one day and a full-on boyfriend the next day either. To me, taking things slowly meant a slow progression. However, through a series of conversations and fights over the past three weeks, it's come out that he STILL isn't ready for titles.
We've been "dating" for two months, and it's not normal dating, where you see the person a few times a week and send some emails and make some phone calls. We are exclusive. We admit we care for one another a great deal. We spend most of our days, every day, together. We have almost all the same classes, as we are not only committing program-cest, we are committing concentration-cest. We are boyfriend and girlfriend in practice, as most people understand the words. We have a few other acquaintance-type friends in our program that we do things with, but we are only close with each other, since we clicked so early on and then, probably unwisely, removed ourselves from everyone else.
It seems we have different definitions of what "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" mean. To me, it means we are 1) romantically involved, 2) committed, and 3) exclusive. To him, it has two extra criteria, which are, a more heightened level of emotional intimacy than he feels we have reached (partially since we've only known each other three and a half months), and a higher level of certainty that the relationship will work in the long term. He is not quite at the latter yet, he says, because we have been fighting so much lately. We have been fighting so much lately because I take everything very personally and make small things huge because I feel so insecure and disposable because he can't call me his girlfriend. He agrees we meet my criteria of the word and says we can call each other these things if it means we are using my definition. Great, right? Except I still somehow feel cheated. I want him to have the heightened level of emotional intimacy. I want him to have confidence that it will last in the long term. He agrees we are on a trajectory to those things, but how long can this take? You'd think that after spending THIS much time with a person, he'd be there. Or, he'd think "I'm not there yet, after spending this much time with her, and that means I might never be."
Another thing confounding this issue might be our age difference. Boy is six years younger than I am. I am 28. I worked for awhile and squandered my youth before coming to grad school. He's right out of undergrad. Our age difference is not apparent--I am exceedingly immature and look very young for my age, and he's rather mature for his age, except in the realm of calling people his girlfriend. I worry that because of our age difference, our senses of time and urgency do not match up. At 22, I felt I had all the time in the world to sit and decide about someone, too. Now I feel old and world-weary and I am sick of halfway-there relationships and I just want to be done.
I am worried we are doomed. I do not want to be doomed. I should probably mention that I really, really, really like him a lot. He is brilliant and silly and so much fun and so sane. He's so, so, so sane and different from every boy I've ever been with in the past--I have tended to be with moody, crazy artistic types with very little ambition. He is full of ambition and not moody and not crazy and not artistic. I can't help but feel, in my current position, that I am some novel old lady he's experimenting with while in the confines of grad school, and then he'll be done with me and move on to a girl his own age afterwards and marry her and have kids when he's 30 and meanwhile I will have just gotten older and older while wasting my time with him, hoping he'd eventually feel serious enough about me to call me his girlfriend willingly, and waste away old and bitter.
I say most of these last things in half-jest, but you get the main idea.
Why do I care so much about a word?
I really do not want to break up. I am afraid we may. And then I lose not only my sir, but my only friend in grad school.
Help.
I think the important thing to realize here is that nothing you can call yourselves, whether or not he's totally on board, will mean that you will never break up. It seems to me that you're looking for an ironclad guarantee, and those just don't exist.
So step back, take several deep breaths, and concentrate on living in the moment. Enjoy your time now. Get grounded in what the relationship *is*, and stop stressing about what it should be, or might be, or will be in a year. Those aren't helping.
You may be right that he's too young and you won't end up getting married and having lots of babies and dying in adjacent beds in the nursing home. That doesn't mean that this relationship isn't worthwhile and you can't enjoy it now.
I was in a relationship with pretty much the same age range, in the same spot, and we did break up after a couple of years because she wanted to settle down and I wasn't ready to. That was sad, but it was a great relationship and I look back on it with fondness - and I eat lunch with her about twice a week. So I have zero regrets.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:45 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
So step back, take several deep breaths, and concentrate on living in the moment. Enjoy your time now. Get grounded in what the relationship *is*, and stop stressing about what it should be, or might be, or will be in a year. Those aren't helping.
You may be right that he's too young and you won't end up getting married and having lots of babies and dying in adjacent beds in the nursing home. That doesn't mean that this relationship isn't worthwhile and you can't enjoy it now.
I was in a relationship with pretty much the same age range, in the same spot, and we did break up after a couple of years because she wanted to settle down and I wasn't ready to. That was sad, but it was a great relationship and I look back on it with fondness - and I eat lunch with her about twice a week. So I have zero regrets.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:45 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am some novel old lady he's experimenting with while in the confines of grad school, and then he'll be done with me and move on to a girl his own age afterwards and marry her and have kids when he's 30 and meanwhile I will have just gotten older and older while wasting my time with him, hoping he'd eventually feel serious enough about me to call me his girlfriend willingly
You can't help but feel this way because it is a plausible scenario. Also, committing program-cest and concentration-cest is a sure fire way to kill someone's career prospects (ether his or yours). The odds of a career suicide approach near certainty if both of you want academic jobs. Maybe he knows this, and it figures into his reluctance to speculate on "a higher level of certainty that the relationship will work in the long term."
posted by Crotalus at 1:53 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
You can't help but feel this way because it is a plausible scenario. Also, committing program-cest and concentration-cest is a sure fire way to kill someone's career prospects (ether his or yours). The odds of a career suicide approach near certainty if both of you want academic jobs. Maybe he knows this, and it figures into his reluctance to speculate on "a higher level of certainty that the relationship will work in the long term."
posted by Crotalus at 1:53 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
When we first started, we agreed to take things slowly and cautiously, and to him, that meant no "titles." No "boyfriend" and no "girlfriend.".... However, through a series of conversations and fights over the past three weeks, it's come out that he STILL isn't ready for titles.
Oh, you're going out with Titles Guy! I've known some people who have gone out with Titles Guy. In all the cases I've seen, Title Guy's resistance to titles was just as symptom of the greater issue of his inability to truly be intimate with another person. Very bad endings all around. Proceed with much caution. Him being your only friend in grad school is not a good reason to keep him around- in fact, it's probably a good reason to distance yourself from him so you can build a life of your own.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:54 PM on December 9, 2009 [35 favorites]
Oh, you're going out with Titles Guy! I've known some people who have gone out with Titles Guy. In all the cases I've seen, Title Guy's resistance to titles was just as symptom of the greater issue of his inability to truly be intimate with another person. Very bad endings all around. Proceed with much caution. Him being your only friend in grad school is not a good reason to keep him around- in fact, it's probably a good reason to distance yourself from him so you can build a life of your own.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:54 PM on December 9, 2009 [35 favorites]
Yeah, one of the great things about relationship is that they are finite. It's scary to except but it helps keep things in perspective.
I'm married, but even that is not 'forever' or 'sure'. One day somebody's gonna die or get divorced.
This seems like a lot of worrying on both your parts about not only:
1) how you two perceive your relationship but...
2) how other perceive it as well.
The first matters a bit. The second not at all.
posted by French Fry at 1:58 PM on December 9, 2009
I'm married, but even that is not 'forever' or 'sure'. One day somebody's gonna die or get divorced.
This seems like a lot of worrying on both your parts about not only:
1) how you two perceive your relationship but...
2) how other perceive it as well.
The first matters a bit. The second not at all.
posted by French Fry at 1:58 PM on December 9, 2009
If you're fighting "so much," after only a couple of months together, it does seem doomed. This is supposed to be fun. This stage of a relationship is not for fighting stuff out; it's for figuring out if you enjoy each other.
I'm not saying the complications you mention are meaningless. It is true, if I think about the trajectories of my friends, that if either or both of you are interested in the traditional package, you'll likely be ready for it all several years before him. (Not that that's a certainty, and in fact, my husband and I got engaged when we were younger than your boyfriend. Just that it would be more typical of our cohort.)
It's just that fighting about everyone's commitment level is super-premature and pointless right now.
posted by palliser at 2:01 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm not saying the complications you mention are meaningless. It is true, if I think about the trajectories of my friends, that if either or both of you are interested in the traditional package, you'll likely be ready for it all several years before him. (Not that that's a certainty, and in fact, my husband and I got engaged when we were younger than your boyfriend. Just that it would be more typical of our cohort.)
It's just that fighting about everyone's commitment level is super-premature and pointless right now.
posted by palliser at 2:01 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Well, it's not really so much that you care about the word, because then you'd be fine with it when he said he'd agree to use the word without meaning it.
What you want is for him to feel those two things for you that he said he doesn't feel (yet).
I think it's perfectly normal to be insecure about that. I also think it's not so silly to worry that he's just experimenting with you. Although that would be the case no matter how old you are.
Nobody knows if he will ever feel those feelings for you. Only you can decide how much time you are willing to wait to see if it happens or not. Unfortunately, I think people who wait around in cases like this usually end up getting hurt.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:02 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
What you want is for him to feel those two things for you that he said he doesn't feel (yet).
I think it's perfectly normal to be insecure about that. I also think it's not so silly to worry that he's just experimenting with you. Although that would be the case no matter how old you are.
Nobody knows if he will ever feel those feelings for you. Only you can decide how much time you are willing to wait to see if it happens or not. Unfortunately, I think people who wait around in cases like this usually end up getting hurt.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:02 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Right now it sounds like you are on a self-reinforcing downward spiral. You feel anxious and insecure, which makes you fear breaking up, which makes you pick fights, which will eventually lead to a breakup.
In other words, you yourself are in the process of bringing about that which you most fear.
You need to figure out how to handle your anxious feelings and insecure thoughts yourself, rather than insisting he say something (or worse yet, feel something) to make you feel better.
I don't know a better place to acquire those skills than in the office of a good therapist.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:03 PM on December 9, 2009 [6 favorites]
In other words, you yourself are in the process of bringing about that which you most fear.
You need to figure out how to handle your anxious feelings and insecure thoughts yourself, rather than insisting he say something (or worse yet, feel something) to make you feel better.
I don't know a better place to acquire those skills than in the office of a good therapist.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:03 PM on December 9, 2009 [6 favorites]
One of two things is going on here, I think. Either he is not ready to make any kind of commitment to anyone right now (very common at age 22 and before getting the graduate degree) or the relationship is being derailed by all the fighting and consequent loss of trust.
I'd suggest you back off on your desire to call him your boyfriend for now, and focus on doing the things that have made the relationship good. If the fighting stops and the good stuff continues, then if he's ready, you should move onward in a few months to the level of trust that makes the labels you want appropriate. If that doesn't happen, you have a commitment-phobic guy, and you likely need to end this relationship.
Sometimes you meet someone great but the timing is not right because they are just not ready. Only time - and less tempests -- will tell.
posted by bearwife at 2:04 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest you back off on your desire to call him your boyfriend for now, and focus on doing the things that have made the relationship good. If the fighting stops and the good stuff continues, then if he's ready, you should move onward in a few months to the level of trust that makes the labels you want appropriate. If that doesn't happen, you have a commitment-phobic guy, and you likely need to end this relationship.
Sometimes you meet someone great but the timing is not right because they are just not ready. Only time - and less tempests -- will tell.
posted by bearwife at 2:04 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
There is a word for a woman with whom a man feels "committed" and "a higher level of certainty that the relationship will work in the long term." That word is fiancée. I think both of you have got some definitional issues.
posted by kindall at 2:13 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by kindall at 2:13 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
I've done this in the past. You're going to be really sad when you ruin a perfectly good relationship over titles and your own insecurities about it. Just let things be.
posted by mattsweaters at 2:16 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by mattsweaters at 2:16 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Somethings that I read a while ago:
"their relationship consisted in discussing if it existed"
"such insidious analysis can become obsessive and destructive of the lyrical presence of love"
"if you keep shining the neon light of analysis and accountability on the tender issue of your belonging, you make it parched and barren"
I guess what I'm saying is to stop analysing and questioning and being so concerned with how you define yourselves. Just be.
posted by Lleyam at 2:17 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
"their relationship consisted in discussing if it existed"
"such insidious analysis can become obsessive and destructive of the lyrical presence of love"
"if you keep shining the neon light of analysis and accountability on the tender issue of your belonging, you make it parched and barren"
I guess what I'm saying is to stop analysing and questioning and being so concerned with how you define yourselves. Just be.
posted by Lleyam at 2:17 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Our main problem is me, and the fact that I am hung up on words. When we first started, we agreed to take things slowly and cautiously, and to him, that meant no "titles." No "boyfriend" and no "girlfriend." [...] We have been fighting so much lately because I take everything very personally and make small things huge because I feel so insecure and disposable because he can't call me his girlfriend.
I'm not really getting from this description how the problem is you. It seems like he's the one hung up on words. And the words he's hung up on could indeed be indicative of a fear of commitment.
It's probably got less to do with the age difference (i.e. your age) per se as much as his youth. I'd be willing to be that he's still in that must-sow-wild-oats phase of life. My advice is that you let him get that out of his system. Not DTMFA exactly, but, you know, set him free, as the corny old adage goes. Maybe he'll come back, maybe not, but you won't be spending your life arguing about words and wondering if you're wasting your time.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:21 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm not really getting from this description how the problem is you. It seems like he's the one hung up on words. And the words he's hung up on could indeed be indicative of a fear of commitment.
It's probably got less to do with the age difference (i.e. your age) per se as much as his youth. I'd be willing to be that he's still in that must-sow-wild-oats phase of life. My advice is that you let him get that out of his system. Not DTMFA exactly, but, you know, set him free, as the corny old adage goes. Maybe he'll come back, maybe not, but you won't be spending your life arguing about words and wondering if you're wasting your time.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:21 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Wow. You really are NOT ready for a relationship yet. It's only been two months, so your fears that he's not ready to see the potential for a long-term relationship are absolutely unfounded, and in fact, I think it's a little worrisome that you do see long-term potential at this stage. There is nothing wrong with living with a relationship and seeing where it goes. You cannot force people to fit within your framework of what a relationship is. From the frantic sound of your post, it seems quite likely that you're actually anxious about something else (finals, perhaps, or your direction in life in general).
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:26 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:26 PM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
I hate to sound heartless but you say you are "in a demanding graduate program in a new city." If your goal of getting a degree matters to you, then you have to think about whether your relationship adds to your graduate experience or detracts from it. If your relationship makes you glow with new productivity, then I say go for it. But if your relationship sucks your energy away and leaves you too tired to take on anything else, then it's time to end it. Believe me, I've been there.
posted by jonp72 at 2:27 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jonp72 at 2:27 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
He agrees we meet my criteria of the word and says we can call each other these things if it means we are using my definition. Great, right? ...
I should probably mention that I really, really, really like him a lot. He is brilliant and silly and so much fun and so sane. He's so, so, so sane and different from every boy I've ever been with in the past--I have tended to be with moody, crazy artistic types with very little ambition. He is full of ambition and not moody and not crazy and not artistic.
In answer to your "Great, right?" I'm tempted to just say: yep, if this is the main problem with your relationship, it does sound pretty great.
I don't really see the huge deal about these two words if you've only been together for two months. I mean, of course you're entitled to see them as a big deal. But the issue isn't him respecting those feelings of yours; you said he actually agrees with you based on your own definition.
And he'll even use the words too? Yet people are saying the relationship is "doomed" over this? Huh? It's hard to see how there's even a problem. If I'm understanding correctly, your problem is that he'll use the words but with a footnote that there's also an even stronger definition of them that you haven't crossed after two months (which is enough time to have strong feelings for each other, but is still pretty early), and he feels you're on a good path to crossing that line in the future.
In most relationships I've been in, the actual state of being bf/gf happens a little earlier than the point at which we feel comfortable using these words routinely. I don't know how things go for anyone else, but in my experience, this is a relatively unproblematic, temporary grey area that sets the stage to later feel fully comfortable using the words. It sounds like for him, you just happen to still be in that grey area.
The one way I could see it being a problem (in the short term) is if this leads to embarrassing social interactions, e.g. you instinctively introduce him to people as your boyfriend, and he says, "No I'm not!" in front of them. But you don't give any indication that this is an issue.
One more thing ... I recommend avoiding the fights about the words. I wouldn't be surprised if every one of these fights actually postpones the day when he feels comfortable applying his personal, more-expansive-than-yours definition of gf/bf.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:27 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
I should probably mention that I really, really, really like him a lot. He is brilliant and silly and so much fun and so sane. He's so, so, so sane and different from every boy I've ever been with in the past--I have tended to be with moody, crazy artistic types with very little ambition. He is full of ambition and not moody and not crazy and not artistic.
In answer to your "Great, right?" I'm tempted to just say: yep, if this is the main problem with your relationship, it does sound pretty great.
I don't really see the huge deal about these two words if you've only been together for two months. I mean, of course you're entitled to see them as a big deal. But the issue isn't him respecting those feelings of yours; you said he actually agrees with you based on your own definition.
And he'll even use the words too? Yet people are saying the relationship is "doomed" over this? Huh? It's hard to see how there's even a problem. If I'm understanding correctly, your problem is that he'll use the words but with a footnote that there's also an even stronger definition of them that you haven't crossed after two months (which is enough time to have strong feelings for each other, but is still pretty early), and he feels you're on a good path to crossing that line in the future.
In most relationships I've been in, the actual state of being bf/gf happens a little earlier than the point at which we feel comfortable using these words routinely. I don't know how things go for anyone else, but in my experience, this is a relatively unproblematic, temporary grey area that sets the stage to later feel fully comfortable using the words. It sounds like for him, you just happen to still be in that grey area.
The one way I could see it being a problem (in the short term) is if this leads to embarrassing social interactions, e.g. you instinctively introduce him to people as your boyfriend, and he says, "No I'm not!" in front of them. But you don't give any indication that this is an issue.
One more thing ... I recommend avoiding the fights about the words. I wouldn't be surprised if every one of these fights actually postpones the day when he feels comfortable applying his personal, more-expansive-than-yours definition of gf/bf.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:27 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
To me, what jumped out here was that it has only been 2 months of dating and 3.5 months total, so when you say things like:
I want him to have the heightened level of emotional intimacy. I want him to have confidence that it will last in the long term.
It's unreasonable of you to expect this. He's just trying to be prudent, and in the process, he's being honest with you about it. That's a good sign. He's willing to use the names, but those words mean something different to him, so he's letting you know how he feels about using them.
I can't help but feel, in my current position, that I am some novel old lady he's experimenting with while in the confines of grad school, and then he'll be done with me and move on to a girl his own age afterwards and marry her and have kids when he's 30 and meanwhile I will have just gotten older and older while wasting my time with him, hoping he'd eventually feel serious enough about me to call me his girlfriend willingly, and waste away old and bitter.
There are so many many reasons not to think this, mainly because it's almost certainly not true. You already said you look young and act less mature than your age, also you're in grad school so I presume you're not exactly swimming in money (speaking as a grad student myself). You don't exactly fit the older woman/cougar profile. But more importantly, if you let yourself get into this headspace, he will notice, and that may eventually lead to him deciding to leave, but not because you're older or just an experiment, but because it's hard to be with someone who feels like they're not worthy of you.
Take a breath, relax, use the names you want to use and wait for him to progress along the trajectory that's already marked out. In another 2-4 months, take stock of the relationship then. Things will be much clearer, and probably much better.
posted by dnesan at 2:43 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I want him to have the heightened level of emotional intimacy. I want him to have confidence that it will last in the long term.
It's unreasonable of you to expect this. He's just trying to be prudent, and in the process, he's being honest with you about it. That's a good sign. He's willing to use the names, but those words mean something different to him, so he's letting you know how he feels about using them.
I can't help but feel, in my current position, that I am some novel old lady he's experimenting with while in the confines of grad school, and then he'll be done with me and move on to a girl his own age afterwards and marry her and have kids when he's 30 and meanwhile I will have just gotten older and older while wasting my time with him, hoping he'd eventually feel serious enough about me to call me his girlfriend willingly, and waste away old and bitter.
There are so many many reasons not to think this, mainly because it's almost certainly not true. You already said you look young and act less mature than your age, also you're in grad school so I presume you're not exactly swimming in money (speaking as a grad student myself). You don't exactly fit the older woman/cougar profile. But more importantly, if you let yourself get into this headspace, he will notice, and that may eventually lead to him deciding to leave, but not because you're older or just an experiment, but because it's hard to be with someone who feels like they're not worthy of you.
Take a breath, relax, use the names you want to use and wait for him to progress along the trajectory that's already marked out. In another 2-4 months, take stock of the relationship then. Things will be much clearer, and probably much better.
posted by dnesan at 2:43 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, the fighting comes later, after you've had sufficient time to identify one another's foibles, inconsistencies, hypocrisies, tender areas, irritating habits, and weaknesses. Doing it now is like going in to battle with no strategy, no objective, and no ammunition. Further, he likely doesn't want to be known as your "boyfriend" because he predicts that will lessen his chances at field-playing.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:44 PM on December 9, 2009
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:44 PM on December 9, 2009
You guys really haven't been together that long. Not long enough to be super concerned about using titles yet. I understand where you're coming from in that I like to settle in with things, and have a sense of certainty and stability as soon as possible, but I think most people aren't like that. Especially not 22-year-old guys. I am 24 and feel older than the 22-year-old males in my company.
It's not just an age difference thing, it's a life difference. He has done nothing but go to college, whereas you have spent, I'm guessing at least a few years, out in the world, probably working or whatever.
This is not exactly related to your actual question on the bf/gf titles thing, but I think it applies as something to consider. I get this vibe from your post that you may be wanting to settle down in the not-so-distant future. Do you think he wants to, also? If not, maybe you should look at whether you're willing just to have this fun thing with him, knowing it is not going to be your future, or whether you want to start looking for someone with the same time frames and life goals.
posted by ishotjr at 2:48 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's not just an age difference thing, it's a life difference. He has done nothing but go to college, whereas you have spent, I'm guessing at least a few years, out in the world, probably working or whatever.
This is not exactly related to your actual question on the bf/gf titles thing, but I think it applies as something to consider. I get this vibe from your post that you may be wanting to settle down in the not-so-distant future. Do you think he wants to, also? If not, maybe you should look at whether you're willing just to have this fun thing with him, knowing it is not going to be your future, or whether you want to start looking for someone with the same time frames and life goals.
posted by ishotjr at 2:48 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I wonder what he'd say if you went out on a date with someone else. I mean, you are just dating, right? If he's not your boyfriend, he can't object to it, can he?
But seriously now, I hate to say it, but even though in all but name he is your boyfriend (in behavior), bugging him about this is only going to make him dump you. It sounds like it's going there already. For the love of god, stop talking to him about this. Either he gets over it eventually (I'd give it a few more months, if he's still saying you're not b&g and if you've been dating like this for six months, it's getting kinda ridiculous), or he's not as great as he seems. Some people have titles issues, and some are just commitmentphobes, but you have to give it some more time before you find out which it is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:49 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
But seriously now, I hate to say it, but even though in all but name he is your boyfriend (in behavior), bugging him about this is only going to make him dump you. It sounds like it's going there already. For the love of god, stop talking to him about this. Either he gets over it eventually (I'd give it a few more months, if he's still saying you're not b&g and if you've been dating like this for six months, it's getting kinda ridiculous), or he's not as great as he seems. Some people have titles issues, and some are just commitmentphobes, but you have to give it some more time before you find out which it is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:49 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
My second paragraph is not because of your age or the age difference, btw. I would say the same thing no matter what your age because of the tone of your post and your fears.
posted by ishotjr at 2:50 PM on December 9, 2009
posted by ishotjr at 2:50 PM on December 9, 2009
ishotjr's post reminded me. You probably know this, but I'm guessing from your post that it bears repeating: You are not an old maid at 28. You are not a failure if you don't settle down by some arbitrary date.
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:50 PM on December 9, 2009
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:50 PM on December 9, 2009
Stop spending so much time together. Seriously. Don't hang out every day. Make new friends and hang out with them without him. Do your homework in the library away from him. That will give both of you time to miss one another, and it'll make these relationship issues, which seem so central to your life right now, smaller in comparison to everything else going on. Both of you need individual time to settle into your new lives as grad students, separate from your relationship.
You've been dating two months. That's not long enough to figure out whether you're good friends, much less great loves who have long-term potential. Do not let this be the center of your life anymore, and give the relationship time to develop into whatever it's going to be.
posted by decathecting at 2:58 PM on December 9, 2009 [6 favorites]
You've been dating two months. That's not long enough to figure out whether you're good friends, much less great loves who have long-term potential. Do not let this be the center of your life anymore, and give the relationship time to develop into whatever it's going to be.
posted by decathecting at 2:58 PM on December 9, 2009 [6 favorites]
I'm avoiding the main issue but want to second what jonp72 said about making your graduate experience meaningful and whether this relationship is hurting it.
When a bunch of youngish people are forced to spend lots of time together in the same, new place, it's really easy to fall into a short, doomed relationship. It happened to me and many of my classmates in grad school. I don't know what kind of grad school you're in, but if you're in a program where the first semester or year matters a lot (like law school), you have to step back and decide whether this is worth potentially sabotaging your academic and future careers by ignoring classes and studying. This is to say nothing of missing out on meeting new friends, joining groups and clubs, and experiencing all that your new university has to offer. Think about where you'll be a year from now and, assuming you broke up, about what you'll have missed.
(On the other hand, if the person is really special, go for it. I and several of my friends met our future spouses in law school.)
posted by jalexc at 3:02 PM on December 9, 2009
When a bunch of youngish people are forced to spend lots of time together in the same, new place, it's really easy to fall into a short, doomed relationship. It happened to me and many of my classmates in grad school. I don't know what kind of grad school you're in, but if you're in a program where the first semester or year matters a lot (like law school), you have to step back and decide whether this is worth potentially sabotaging your academic and future careers by ignoring classes and studying. This is to say nothing of missing out on meeting new friends, joining groups and clubs, and experiencing all that your new university has to offer. Think about where you'll be a year from now and, assuming you broke up, about what you'll have missed.
(On the other hand, if the person is really special, go for it. I and several of my friends met our future spouses in law school.)
posted by jalexc at 3:02 PM on December 9, 2009
Oh, you're going out with Titles Guy!
I went out with Titles Guy, too. It meant he was just not that into me.
ThePinkSuperhero is exactly right. If only I had had this advice.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:36 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I went out with Titles Guy, too. It meant he was just not that into me.
ThePinkSuperhero is exactly right. If only I had had this advice.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:36 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I wonder what he'd say if you went out on a date with someone else. I mean, you are just dating, right? If he's not your boyfriend, he can't object to it, can he?
Where do you get that from? The OP clearly said:
It seems we have different definitions of what "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" mean. To me, it means we are 1) romantically involved, 2) committed, and 3) exclusive. ... He agrees we meet my criteria of the word and says we can call each other these things if it means we are using my definition.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Where do you get that from? The OP clearly said:
It seems we have different definitions of what "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" mean. To me, it means we are 1) romantically involved, 2) committed, and 3) exclusive. ... He agrees we meet my criteria of the word and says we can call each other these things if it means we are using my definition.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am exceedingly immature...I feel old and world-weary...I just want to be done.
I don't understand how the first item goes with the second and third. If you are feeling old and world-weary, how do you simultaneously feel immature?
You're caught in a vicious cycle that many people who feel insecure find themselves in. You're insecure, so you cling, which causes him to draw back, which makes you cling harder, which makes him to draw even further back and then eventually you'll be chasing him down the street as he runs like hell.
Your relationship is still very new. Either you work on letting it just happen, without putting pressure on him to make an unreasonable commitment (unreasonable given the time you've been together) or you walk away and work on finding someone who is willing to give you the commitment you want after only a few weeks together.
posted by crankylex at 3:52 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't understand how the first item goes with the second and third. If you are feeling old and world-weary, how do you simultaneously feel immature?
You're caught in a vicious cycle that many people who feel insecure find themselves in. You're insecure, so you cling, which causes him to draw back, which makes you cling harder, which makes him to draw even further back and then eventually you'll be chasing him down the street as he runs like hell.
Your relationship is still very new. Either you work on letting it just happen, without putting pressure on him to make an unreasonable commitment (unreasonable given the time you've been together) or you walk away and work on finding someone who is willing to give you the commitment you want after only a few weeks together.
posted by crankylex at 3:52 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
We have been fighting so much lately because I take everything very personally and make small things huge because I feel so insecure and disposable because he can't call me his girlfriend.
The only problem with the relationship is these fights. The only reason for these fights is that you're hung up on the definition of a word. (He's hung up on it too, but from what you've said he isn't starting fights about it). The solution that you can definitely make happen is to stop starting fights. Accept that he has a different definition, accept that he may be at a different stage of intimacy or commitment, and accept that those things pale in comparison to the wonderful relationship you have. Another solution is to get him to agree to your definition (but he did, and it didn't help) or to somehow make him more committed (hint: fighting doesn't achieve this).
I say stop fighting, stop choosing to feel insecure and disposable over the use of a word. As far as I can tell, he hasn't said anything about you being disposable, just that he takes longer to feel as sure as you are about the relationship.
Ignore the age difference. The problem would be the same if he was your age or older, and it seems like you're just using the age gap as fuel for the anxiety caused by the 'boyfriend' issue.
posted by twirlypen at 6:23 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
The only problem with the relationship is these fights. The only reason for these fights is that you're hung up on the definition of a word. (He's hung up on it too, but from what you've said he isn't starting fights about it). The solution that you can definitely make happen is to stop starting fights. Accept that he has a different definition, accept that he may be at a different stage of intimacy or commitment, and accept that those things pale in comparison to the wonderful relationship you have. Another solution is to get him to agree to your definition (but he did, and it didn't help) or to somehow make him more committed (hint: fighting doesn't achieve this).
I say stop fighting, stop choosing to feel insecure and disposable over the use of a word. As far as I can tell, he hasn't said anything about you being disposable, just that he takes longer to feel as sure as you are about the relationship.
Ignore the age difference. The problem would be the same if he was your age or older, and it seems like you're just using the age gap as fuel for the anxiety caused by the 'boyfriend' issue.
posted by twirlypen at 6:23 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
You are deluding yourself that this is about words.
This is about you at 28 wanting one thing out of a relationship and he at 22 wanting something quite different.
Let's just throw the "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk out the window because (a) you and he both agree that using the title without living the definition is meaningless and (b) even though your definitions don't match, you actually want what his definition means.
What this comes down to is that you want a relationship with him that involves (1) intimacy, (2) exclusivity, (3) commitment, and (4) a willingness to pursue the relationship's long-term potential. He has issue with intimacy and long-termness.
Intimacy: I had a long conversation with a male friend once who resisted the Titles with a girl who was for all intents and purposes his girlfriend. We came to see, and he agreed, that he didn't want to be 100% responsible in the relationship. Meaning, he wanted to have that excuse, to be able to check out and say "I don't want to hear about your problems" without feeling like he was shirking his duties because "he wasn't her boyfriend."
Long-termness: I agree that you are not married and don't need to think you'll get married. But I think it's reasonable to know from the get-go that you are looking for something long-term, or possibly in your case, dating for marriage. He should know by now whether, all things staying dandy down the line, he'd be willing to be with you long-term, or perhaps til death do you part. This isn't the same as knowing that he wants to marry you. It means that he feels like it's possible, because he's open to the possibility of a relationship leading to marriage. But at 22, he probably is not. He's looking out for his oats, looking out for a better offer. He's not looking for a long-term relationship (or, he's not looking for a long-term relationship with you, but the result is the same).
You are really lucky. This guy is letting you know exactly where he stands and how he feels. Some guys would be telling you whatever they thought you'd want to hear to keep the boat steady and themselves in your pants, and you'd be none the wiser.
YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM LIKE YOU MORE. You cannot convince him or argue him into liking you more than he does, loving you, wanting to commit to you -- and would you want to even if you could?
So, yes. The relationship you'd like to have with him will never exist, or is "doomed." And if you drag it out with him, trying to squeeze out whatever scraps you can get from this relationship, you'll just end up several months or years older, even more weary because you've spent that time fighting, and lonely because you've alienated all your other social contacts, and the relationship will have ended with him moving on to someone else because no matter how many times he'd told you, you'd never really hear that he wasn't interested in the long term.
posted by thebazilist at 6:27 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
This is about you at 28 wanting one thing out of a relationship and he at 22 wanting something quite different.
Let's just throw the "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk out the window because (a) you and he both agree that using the title without living the definition is meaningless and (b) even though your definitions don't match, you actually want what his definition means.
What this comes down to is that you want a relationship with him that involves (1) intimacy, (2) exclusivity, (3) commitment, and (4) a willingness to pursue the relationship's long-term potential. He has issue with intimacy and long-termness.
Intimacy: I had a long conversation with a male friend once who resisted the Titles with a girl who was for all intents and purposes his girlfriend. We came to see, and he agreed, that he didn't want to be 100% responsible in the relationship. Meaning, he wanted to have that excuse, to be able to check out and say "I don't want to hear about your problems" without feeling like he was shirking his duties because "he wasn't her boyfriend."
Long-termness: I agree that you are not married and don't need to think you'll get married. But I think it's reasonable to know from the get-go that you are looking for something long-term, or possibly in your case, dating for marriage. He should know by now whether, all things staying dandy down the line, he'd be willing to be with you long-term, or perhaps til death do you part. This isn't the same as knowing that he wants to marry you. It means that he feels like it's possible, because he's open to the possibility of a relationship leading to marriage. But at 22, he probably is not. He's looking out for his oats, looking out for a better offer. He's not looking for a long-term relationship (or, he's not looking for a long-term relationship with you, but the result is the same).
You are really lucky. This guy is letting you know exactly where he stands and how he feels. Some guys would be telling you whatever they thought you'd want to hear to keep the boat steady and themselves in your pants, and you'd be none the wiser.
YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM LIKE YOU MORE. You cannot convince him or argue him into liking you more than he does, loving you, wanting to commit to you -- and would you want to even if you could?
So, yes. The relationship you'd like to have with him will never exist, or is "doomed." And if you drag it out with him, trying to squeeze out whatever scraps you can get from this relationship, you'll just end up several months or years older, even more weary because you've spent that time fighting, and lonely because you've alienated all your other social contacts, and the relationship will have ended with him moving on to someone else because no matter how many times he'd told you, you'd never really hear that he wasn't interested in the long term.
posted by thebazilist at 6:27 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
The relationship you'd like to have with him will never exist, or is "doomed."
Um, they've been together for 2 months. None of us who haven't met them can predict how the relationship will (or won't) work out. There are many AskMe relationship questions about relationships that are so bad that we can confidently say things aren't going to end well; this isn't one of them by a long shot.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:47 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Um, they've been together for 2 months. None of us who haven't met them can predict how the relationship will (or won't) work out. There are many AskMe relationship questions about relationships that are so bad that we can confidently say things aren't going to end well; this isn't one of them by a long shot.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:47 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh my, and I say this without an ounce of snark, you really need to chill. He is coming out of a long-term, emotionally intense relationship, you are both in the academically rigorous and incredibly stressful grind of a new graduate program, and it's only been 2 months. In grad school time, that seems like forever, because so much happens intellectually, emotionally, & professionally in such a condensed period, but in real world time, that's nothing, largely because excepting major life events, a lot of that can feel stagnant and in the blink of an eye, a year has passed.
It's easy to get hung up on a word. It denotes boundaries, importance, and intimacy. He's not ready for what "boyfriend" means to him, BUT he's ready for what you want (exclusivity, daily contact, and working towards the hope of a future). It's easy for someone to say they are committed to you. It requires much more time and energy to act like it. You probably care so much about the word because you are uncertain of how invested he is or if this will work out. Unfortunately, you can't control either of these things, and even if he was willing to go with the boyfriend/girlfriend monikers, only time would tell if this would work out like you hope. You can control how much worry and stress you introduce into the relationship, however, so try to just relax into it and enjoy the way he smiles at you, the kisses you share, and the animated conversations that you have. Those moments will tell you a lot more about who the two of you are and what your relationship is than any word or title. I know it's easy to say this and far harder to do, but when faced with a choice between anxiety and happiness, choose happiness. Even when things don't work out as planned, you will have a far fuller life because of it. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 7:52 PM on December 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
It's easy to get hung up on a word. It denotes boundaries, importance, and intimacy. He's not ready for what "boyfriend" means to him, BUT he's ready for what you want (exclusivity, daily contact, and working towards the hope of a future). It's easy for someone to say they are committed to you. It requires much more time and energy to act like it. You probably care so much about the word because you are uncertain of how invested he is or if this will work out. Unfortunately, you can't control either of these things, and even if he was willing to go with the boyfriend/girlfriend monikers, only time would tell if this would work out like you hope. You can control how much worry and stress you introduce into the relationship, however, so try to just relax into it and enjoy the way he smiles at you, the kisses you share, and the animated conversations that you have. Those moments will tell you a lot more about who the two of you are and what your relationship is than any word or title. I know it's easy to say this and far harder to do, but when faced with a choice between anxiety and happiness, choose happiness. Even when things don't work out as planned, you will have a far fuller life because of it. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 7:52 PM on December 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
Oh and I just also wanted to say, about Titles Guy (or gal, it's not really about gender here):
The one good thing about Titles Guy is that he is probably less likely to directly lie to you about relationship stuff.
He operates under technicalities and he is known say things like, "Well I never SAID you were my girlfriend" when he's caught doing things he knew would break your heart. But he's less likely to overtly say he won't do X or deny doing X and then go out and do it.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:13 PM on December 9, 2009
The one good thing about Titles Guy is that he is probably less likely to directly lie to you about relationship stuff.
He operates under technicalities and he is known say things like, "Well I never SAID you were my girlfriend" when he's caught doing things he knew would break your heart. But he's less likely to overtly say he won't do X or deny doing X and then go out and do it.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:13 PM on December 9, 2009
Whoa whoa whoa. You're overthinking this to death. Don't be "that girl." Try to just hang out with him without uber-analyzing every move with your big grad school noggin? Be breezy, but don't play games.
posted by bunny hugger at 7:07 AM on December 10, 2009
posted by bunny hugger at 7:07 AM on December 10, 2009
You might be interested to read about attachment theory and the realtionship attachment model. This is the central idea behind the 'How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk' classes I teach to dating couples.
Not that you are looking for marriage or that he is necessarily a Jerk, but it gives some really sound advice for dating in general. Specifically in how to form healthy attachments.
The RAM model breaks attachment down into five levels:
1) Knowledge
2) Trust
3) Reliance
4) Commitment
5) Physical
The model for healthy attachment says that you should never let level n+1 of your relationship exceed level n very much at all. For instance, you'd not want to let someone you don't know or trust very well housesit for you or have a key to your apartment. The idea is to increase intimacy by dropping boundaries between you but to do so in a healthy, orderly, safe way for both of you.
Your boyfriend's "Label" problem is a boundary, for him, on his commitment level with you. You could work to build his knowledge, trust, and reliance on you. And you could make sure that your level of physical intimacy does not exceed the level of his commitment. The research backs the idea that "Boyfriend" level of physical access should only be granted with the "Boyfriend" level of commitment. 'Cause sex causes changes in brain chemistry that short circuit reasoning in realtionship formation. Which causes mucho drama.
A bit geeky, but it works and is backed by pretty solid research.
posted by cross_impact at 9:39 AM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]
Not that you are looking for marriage or that he is necessarily a Jerk, but it gives some really sound advice for dating in general. Specifically in how to form healthy attachments.
The RAM model breaks attachment down into five levels:
1) Knowledge
2) Trust
3) Reliance
4) Commitment
5) Physical
The model for healthy attachment says that you should never let level n+1 of your relationship exceed level n very much at all. For instance, you'd not want to let someone you don't know or trust very well housesit for you or have a key to your apartment. The idea is to increase intimacy by dropping boundaries between you but to do so in a healthy, orderly, safe way for both of you.
Your boyfriend's "Label" problem is a boundary, for him, on his commitment level with you. You could work to build his knowledge, trust, and reliance on you. And you could make sure that your level of physical intimacy does not exceed the level of his commitment. The research backs the idea that "Boyfriend" level of physical access should only be granted with the "Boyfriend" level of commitment. 'Cause sex causes changes in brain chemistry that short circuit reasoning in realtionship formation. Which causes mucho drama.
A bit geeky, but it works and is backed by pretty solid research.
posted by cross_impact at 9:39 AM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]
Hi. You sound like me. I would go on into a long story about how your situation is like mine, and how your boyfriend acts like mine, but I will forbear.
First, it's okay to feel this way. But you shouldn't act on it, or try not to, as insecureness drives people apart and away. Instead, privately give your current situation a deadline (maybe about 6 months? 9 months? a year?), and stop thinking about it until then. He might be warming up to the relationship, or he might not ever feel that heightened level of emotional intimacy, and you won't know until you give this relationship a run for what its worth.
Second, do you feel that "heightened level of emotional intimacy" yourself? Or do you just want him to feel that way so that you can feel like you are in control? Is this a control/ power issue or I-am-so-in-love-with-you-I-would-die-if-you-didn't-feel-the-same-way-so-please-end-the-torture-asap issue?
Last, you can make friends and you can make new relationships happen. You seem to have this overwhelming fear of being alone, but, really, it's much better than having half-hearted relationships.
posted by moiraine at 6:46 AM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
First, it's okay to feel this way. But you shouldn't act on it, or try not to, as insecureness drives people apart and away. Instead, privately give your current situation a deadline (maybe about 6 months? 9 months? a year?), and stop thinking about it until then. He might be warming up to the relationship, or he might not ever feel that heightened level of emotional intimacy, and you won't know until you give this relationship a run for what its worth.
Second, do you feel that "heightened level of emotional intimacy" yourself? Or do you just want him to feel that way so that you can feel like you are in control? Is this a control/ power issue or I-am-so-in-love-with-you-I-would-die-if-you-didn't-feel-the-same-way-so-please-end-the-torture-asap issue?
Last, you can make friends and you can make new relationships happen. You seem to have this overwhelming fear of being alone, but, really, it's much better than having half-hearted relationships.
posted by moiraine at 6:46 AM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by December at 1:43 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]