How do you deal with it when a friend won't stop ranting?
December 9, 2009 9:31 AM   Subscribe

How do you deal with it when a friend won't stop ranting?

Some of my otherwise reasonable friends will occassionally get stuck in some kind of arguement-psychosis, not listening to counter-arguements, nor paying any attention to my attempts to change the subject. Alcohol is often a factor.

Whatever I say seems to provoke them to more impassioned ranting. Its very annoying.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Walk away, seriously, just walk away.
posted by banannafish at 9:32 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


If you say nothing, they eventually burn themselves out. When they give you that wild-eyed look as if to say, "HAVE YOU NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS?!" you just shrug as if to say, "I have nothing to say about this and am probably not even listening to you anymore."

I employ this tactic on a daily basis.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:33 AM on December 9, 2009 [8 favorites]


I'm going to assume you mean: How do you deal with it, as a good friend? Because I would probably just leave. Next day, tell them straight "you were a ranting lunatic and I do not enjoy your company when you act like this. This is straining our friendship. Please stop, or I won't be around you when you are drinking again"

Maybe there is some reason they get stuck in these rants, some area of their life they can't control, and the only way they know how to work this out is to dominate an argument. They're seeking some sense of being "right" even though their boss treats them like shit, mom and dad disapprove of them... etc. As a good friend, perhaps you could engage them in constructive discussions about these issues.

Or, more likely, they are assholes. They contain their assholeness as best they can, and some booze makes them loose control. Love them and ignore/avoid it, or leave them having seen their true nature. Up you you.
posted by fontophilic at 9:44 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


I point to my eyes and say "these are my eyes" and roll them in the most exaggerated way I can.
posted by Max Power at 9:46 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


If this ranting is a constant thing, and it's wearing you down, it's entirely acceptable to choose to end the friendship. There's no reason for you to have to deal with unreasonable friends.

However, if you do want to continue the friendship, it's also acceptable to tell your friend that this makes you uncomfortable, or that it makes you not want to hang around them. If they continue to rant while drinking, you can always leave the bar.


Does anyone else feel as if the same four questions have been asked repeatedly in the past few days?
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:47 AM on December 9, 2009


Just tease him/her by saying, "Here we go again..." and smiling jovially at the same time.
posted by anniecat at 9:48 AM on December 9, 2009


Affirm how they are feeling - not necessarily their position on the matter. For example - "I understand how that could make you frustrated." As opposed to "Yeah, the House amendment on abortion is totally nuts."
posted by quodlibet at 9:49 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


My serial ranter is currently in my "I'm not talking to you right now because, seriously, all you've been doing for weeks is ranting" penalty box, where I don't engage them in IM/ via email/ SMS/ whatever.

You should probably stop drinking with your ranty friends if you don't enjoy drunken ranting.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:50 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


My wife has to tell me "god gave you two ears, and only one mouth" about weekly.
posted by notsnot at 10:05 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


You're talking about MetaFilter aren't you?

But seriously, just stop. Alcohol + hot topic = impassioned, irrational arguing. Once they're in the argument and drunk, listening and reason tend to slip away pretty quickly. Just ignore them and they'll stop eventually. There really isn't anything else you can do.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:08 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I like asking my friends, "Who's winning?"
posted by jmmpangaea at 10:08 AM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


I do this sometimes. The thing that works best is just yelling "SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP" or similar. Then quickly ask the ranter a question that's at least mildly interesting and unlikely to provoke a rant, like "what are you doing tomorrow?"
posted by Electrius at 10:21 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I tend to nod thoughtfully, then once I've reached the threshold of my tolerance will interject with "You do realize this has degenerated into a rant, right?"

My right thinking friends will usually reassess how ranty the actually are being. The ones that don't will be on the receiving end of a brutal change of topic. "We aren't getting anywhere with this", "How's the local weather team?" and any number of ridiculous surrealist interjections (including the ever popular "I bet that's what you say to all the girls" and "That's what she said") and the rant can often be derailed, but it's not a friendly way to do it.
posted by Jilder at 10:24 AM on December 9, 2009


I can do this. I'll find one story or topic and just go on autopilot.

I'll find that I just need to fill the silence and ramble.

One day I was at a party at three in the morning, fairly sober with this wasted girl. She went on a 40 minute circular tirade about how she wants to move to Boston, but people tip nothing, so she won't make any money, but here in Houston, cost of living is so low, she's rich waiting tables, so she's stuck here, but she really wants to move to Boston, but people tip nothing.

First we tried arguing with her. Then we tried ignoring her. Eventually we just gave in and started egging her on. "So how do the people in Boston tip?"

I try and remember this story every time I want to say something inane. I've incorporated it into a "getting to know me" story, so that people know they can just tell me to snap out of it.

I inherited the habit from my dad, and he responds very well to a direct "Yes, we all heard Glen Beck. But we're going to talk about something else now."
posted by politikitty at 10:27 AM on December 9, 2009 [6 favorites]


I think the key is to realize that ranting happens when someone's emotions start getting built up when they're making their argument, and this rush of emotion (usually anger, but could be passion about the plight of the downtrodden or baffled amazement that their coworker Beth said something *that rude* to their face, etc etc) short-circuits their ability to recognize conversational or body-language cues that others are tired of the subject. Talking about the subject stokes their emotion, which makes them want to talk about it more, which stokes their emotion even further. Then they're stuck in a cycle.

What you need to figure out is what will snap your friends out of their emotional reaction. When I start talking about something that pisses me off and end up in ranting territory, all it takes from my boyfriend is a good-natured "okay, you have until the drive is over to tell me how bad Bush is for women's health" (car version) or "okay, you have until dinner is done to tell me how incompetent your coworker is" (dinner version). That's almost always enough to make me realize I've been talking/ranting at him and to reign it back in. I think it's really effective because it says I care what you're talking about and am validating your frustration, but have limits to how much of this I want to hear. It's much more effective then just sympathizing (which can have the perverse effect of getting someone even more emotional and worked up) and more effective than just changing the subject (makes the person feel like you're not listening and can provoke its own emotional reaction that feeds into whatever they're already upset about).

If you're at a bar, just say: "Okay, you have until the end of this round to tell me about the evils of corporate whaling" then let them continue. Your friends will probably say a few more sentences ("man, it just makes me so mad! the poor defenseless whales!") but calm down enough to stop their rant. If they continue, getting up to get another beer will force a break in the conversation; it's hard to sustain the emotional head-of-steam behind a rant if you stop talking. If they still continue when you get back, that's the point you realize they're too drunk and beg off to go home.
posted by iminurmefi at 10:29 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


Listen to them for a reasonable amount of time then cut them off. Don't offer solutions or reason/logic/psychoanalysis. Sounds like they just want to vent.
posted by bunny hugger at 11:10 AM on December 9, 2009


I once saw someone pat her ranting sister on the leg and say, "Come up for air, dear!" I thought it was very funny.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:14 AM on December 9, 2009


I quit associating with people like that. Seriously. Sometimes I give people passes but it inevitably comes up again, and no one wants to be around someone whom they feel is going to pull them into ridiculous arguments out of nowhere. If someone can't be arsed to phrase their arguments in a respectful way and with good faith in your intelligence, they're not worth your time.
posted by Nattie at 11:21 AM on December 9, 2009


I once heard someone quip "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe!"
posted by mr_silver at 11:29 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am a ranter. I'm not proud of it, but admitting it is half the battle, right?

Two things can stop my ranting: Total agreement from the listener (victim), or shame. If the listener wholeheartedly, enthusiastically, and at least seemingly honestly agrees with me, I will peter out rather quickly. Or, if it finally becomes obvious to me that I am embarrassing myself, I'll also trail off. The response most likely to make me embarrassed is silence and a look of disinterest. So my advice is, either agree enthusiastically, or totally disengage. Then, the next day tell your friend as gently and lovingly as you can that their ranting makes them hard to be around sometimes. Finally, if you want to stay friends with them, a degree of compassion and patience will undoubtedly be of use.
posted by serazin at 12:09 PM on December 9, 2009


I think you need some handy dandy phrases.

There, there.
Take it easy.
Okay, now.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Two more minutes on this topic, and that's it.
New topic!!!
This is wearing me out.
We have to move to a different topic or I'm going to have to take a nap.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:09 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, another one, that works -- "Shake your tiny fist!!!!" You do this as you clench your fists and stare angrily upwards. I think it's a Simpsons rip-off.

An awful lot of things are.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:11 PM on December 9, 2009


I don't know, a lot of these suggestions (there there, shake your tiny fist, and breathe!) would just make some of the ranters I've known even angrier, because it's clear you're not really listening and mocking them. The gently teasing ones tend to work best for someone who has enough self-awareness to get the hint.

iminurmefi has some good ideas, but unfortunately, I've found that with habitual ranters who are more wrapped up in their personal crusade than being a friend, sometimes you just have to back away.
posted by canine epigram at 2:09 PM on December 9, 2009


If someone has subjects that just lead to a rant (I have a few, and try to keep them under wraps), never engage in the subject. Discussion, agreement, disagreement, all fuel the rant.

1st, try to change the subject. "Yeah, huh, I guess speedhumps really bug you. Hey, I saw our old pal James at the grocery yesterday. Guess who he's dating?"

2nd, be blunt. "You're on the traffic design rant again. I'm going to change the subject. Did you see the game last night?"

3rd. Be really blunt. "You've ranted enough. I have to go now" and leave.
posted by theora55 at 3:29 PM on December 9, 2009


"Well, that's nice."

/ rolls eyes
// walks away
posted by citron at 8:29 PM on December 9, 2009


You can also pretend to be a complete, hopeless simpleton who doesn't understand a word of it, and when they try to break it down for you in the most obvious way, the more you profess to be terribly confused and not understanding a word of what they're saying. Ask a bunch of intentionally stupid questions and pretend to be really clueless when you do so. Eventually they should figure out that you're just messing with them, and give up. I guess if you do this successfully, you win on some level, because the interaction becomes more about goofing on this person who is ranting like a fool, than it is about the reason for which they're ranting. Granted, this is kind of a-hole behavior, but so is ranting at people!
posted by citron at 8:40 PM on December 9, 2009


I have had some success with a strategy of interrupting, agreeing and affirming, then asking if I can change the subject. You wait for the end of a paragraph, so to speak, recognize their point, acknowledge their feelings and then take the floor. It requires being a bit aggressive, but not rude. Keep the conversation going, just switch tracks.

I agree with bananafish that sometimes you just have to leave. However, I've noticed that some people who rant are more likely to do it in a a situation that is hard for me to leave. Driving together in a car, for example. It's almost like they realize their opportunity. It's like you are trapped and they know you are a captive audience. So, with people who can be ranters, anticipate and avoid those kinds of situations. You can still see them, but don't carpool with them, for example.
posted by conrad53 at 9:06 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have this problem with a good friend who calls me long-distance to complain about her husband. She rants for an hour, and when she finally comes up for air to ask, "So how are you?", her phone runs out of juice and disconnects shortly thereafter.

My solution was threefold:
1. I waited for a non-rant moment to tell her that I loved her dearly and that when I spoke to her, I wanted to hear about her -- what she was doing with her life, what books she was reading or films she was watching -- and not the endless details about her husband.

2. Since then, every time she starts to descend into rant, I listen to a sentence or two, make a supportive comment, and then cut in and ask her about something completely different.

3. I answer the phone a lot less when I know it's her on the other end.

Seems to work.
Good luck!
posted by Paris Elk at 11:27 PM on December 9, 2009


I say "Girls! Girls! You're both pretty!"

This works best if both arguers are men, though.
posted by KathrynT at 11:49 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


When I get stuck on a topic, it makes me even more upset when someone minimizes my feelings or makes a joke about how upset I am. This usually leads to a longer, angrier rant. I realize that this is a problem of mine and am working on it, but for the now the best way my friends can deal with this is to acknowledge my feelings and say, "That must suck," or "I'm sorry this upsets you so much." After that, I usually stop myself.
posted by coffeeflavored at 11:28 AM on December 11, 2009


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