GuiltyConsciousFilter: Please help me fix what I have broken.

December 8, 2009 1:48 PM

I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I betrayed the one I love the most. Please help me sort out the never-ending chess match for redemption in my head. Long explanation can be found inside.

I have been struggling over the past few months to cope with my horrible acts. I have been dating a wonderful girl for over a year now, but early on in our relationship (probably about 2 months in) I cheated on her with my ex. Several times. I refuse to make any excuses, and I take full blame for my sin. It was my decision alone and no set of circumstances can change that. That being said, I also cannot change that fact that it has happened. Regardless, I am having trouble deciding how to proceed to right my wrong deeds.

I have been overcome with an intense guilt for half a year now, and it has not subsided to this point. My wrongdoing only showed just how important my girlfriend is to me, and I have been taking every step necessary to make sure it never happens again. I have cut off ALL ties with my ex, and I have been trying to move forward. I have learned so much from my guilt and it has given me an ironclad mindset to make sure that this will NEVER happen again. I am trying my best to use this to make me a better person. But I cant seem to shake the feeling that this might not be enough. Logically speaking, I have three courses of action I can take at this point. I need help from an objective viewpoint to see if my logic is flawed or if I am doing the right thing.

1. Don't say a thing to her and try to put the past behind me:
I have reflected deeply on this and I have decided that my main goal is to ensure that my girlfriend does not punished for MY decisions. I don't need to save face. She is my main concern. If I can overcome my negative feelings, then I can use this as a tool to make this relationship the best it can be. If I tell her, it does NOT change the fact that it happened. I will still have a stinging guilt either way, and it may be amplified if I bring her in my web of mistakes. As they say, "What you don't know will not hurt you". I can't stand the thought of deceiving her, though. Some lies may be justified if they are used with decent intentions. For example, if someone is overweight and they ask if they are fat, most people will say no to spare their feelings. I know that this is obviously somewhat of a different case, but is it possible that the lies can be justified if they are used to spare her? I truly do not believe that she will break up with me if she finds out. Regardless of my confession, our relationship we will still attempt to stay together (but the road will be harder). If that is the case, then what is the point of saying anything? Isn't selfish to come clean when it really only benefits me (or so it would seem)? From what I can see, the only thing it will change is her self-esteem and paranoia. This is the one I am leaning towards as of right now.

Tell her: I know that this is the "right" thing to do, but I fail to see what makes this the honorable choice. I am essentially pulling her into the flames. Yes, she does deserve to know, but I feel like it is almost more brutal if I have the ability to save her from the voices in her head but opt to cleanse my conscious instead. Not to mention that, but it will also affect her family as well. She is also the type of person to take this sort of thing VERY personally. She will blame everything on herself, and I feel like I won't be able to convince her that it is MY fault, not hers.

Break-up: This choice is probably the best in terms of healing, but it will still have a devastating effect on her. The only thing I want more than to keep our relationship is to ensure that her confidence is preserved. I have considered making up a different logical reason to end the relationship so that we can both start from scratch. It comes down to whether finding out she has been cheated on is worse than parting ways for ANY other reason.

Obviously, it is my fault that I am in this mess. I have been punishing myself day in and day out, and hell, I deserve it. But I just want to find the best way out for HER. Please help me decide.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (83 answers total)

Don't tell her. Sometimes not telling is the "right thing to do."

6 months isn't a long time. In a few months, you'll be less guilty.

The fact that you already cut off all ties with your ex is a good sign.
posted by k8t at 1:50 PM on December 8, 2009 [10 favorites]

You tell her not only because it is the "right" thing to do, but because honesty is a necessary and deeply satisfying part of every long-term relationship. You do want to be intimate with your lifelong partner, don't you?
posted by flavor at 1:53 PM on December 8, 2009 [6 favorites]

Right now, you are suffering and she is fine. If you tell her, she will suffer and you will feel better. If you're looking to do what is best for her, don't tell.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:59 PM on December 8, 2009 [41 favorites]

don't tell her. you've been clean like six times longer than you were dirty, and you say you've seen your error and made the change. telling her about it will only start the pain over again. as Mark Twain said, "it takes two people to hurt you to the heart - your enemy to slander you and your friend to bring you the news." in this case, you're both the enemy and the friend. you have to carry this one alone.
posted by toodleydoodley at 2:00 PM on December 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

Don't say a thing to her and put the past behind you!
posted by gagglezoomer at 2:00 PM on December 8, 2009

Simple - Telling her means your current relationship ends (whether immediately or a few weeks from now, even if she seems "okay" with it when you tell her).

"Right" thing to do? Sure. Best thing to do? Well, only you can make that call.
posted by pla at 2:01 PM on December 8, 2009

Tell her and then break up with her. You took her trust for granted and put her health and emotions at risk when you cheated on her. You were selfish in your act of cheating, and you continue to be selfish in your act of lying.

I think what you're feeling now is simply the inertia of guilt; you want to continue the relationship with her because you are (rightfully) ashamed of what you've done and you feel that somehow being kind to her now will absolve your sense of shame. Perhaps you're a bit afraid of being alone, too. Neither of these things is a good reason for continuing your relationship because neither is about trust, love, or honesty.

The reality is that your relationship, in its nascent stage, was based on a lie and continues to be based on a lie. She deserves to be with someone who respects her and quite frankly, you don't - present tense - respect her. You disrespected her on two levels: first when you cheated on her and secondly when you continued this lie for so long.

Let her go. Let her find someone who understands how important she is without cheating on her.
posted by December at 2:02 PM on December 8, 2009 [9 favorites]

Ethical questions like this aren't decided by searching for and discovering a pre-determined rule, existing somewhere independently of yourself, about "what's the right thing to do". Unfortunately this is often obscured on AskMe by commenters who are more concerned with promoting their own particular fixed belief (eg. "absolute honesty is always best") than with helping you, in the actual situation that you're in.

There are some cultures where what you did would be considered utterly insignificant. I'm not saying that means what you did is utterly insignificant, but it does prove that there isn't some universal preordained answer. The fact that there isn't a "right" answer, in a weird way, should be consoling: it means you can't really go wrong if you listen carefully to your inner dialogue, proceed calmly, act with compassion, and trust your gut. Now for me I think that would involve not telling her. But what I'm really posting here to say is, don't add to your self-torture by imaginging that there's one right answer.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 2:02 PM on December 8, 2009 [12 favorites]

Shoulder it yourself, bro.
posted by meadowlark lime at 2:04 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

Don't tell unless (good lord!) did you have unprotected sex? If so, then tell her and hie yourselves to a doctor for testing. Otherwise, if you're ABSOLUTELY certain she won't find out, i.e. ex won't tell her, friend won't throw you under the bus, talking in your sleep, then don't tell. She doesn't deserve that kind of pain. Let your punishment consist of never doing such a thing again and devoting yourself to being the best partner possible.
posted by Allee Katze at 2:06 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

First: you did not make a "mistake". You did not slip, fall, and accidentally slip your dick into your ex. Several times. (I am assuming, anonymous, that you are male, for the sake of argument.) You made a conscious, deliberate choice. Several times. You're now intensely regretting the choices you made, and their possible consequences.

Stop making yourself out to be a martyr, stop being dishonest (yes, withholding information like this, whatever your excuse, including "saving her from the brutality of the truth" is dishonesty). Tell her. You were aware of how she would take this when you cheated... that doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of telling her the truth, or her right to know.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 2:07 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is something people disagree intensely on. Some people say that telling someone makes you feel better so it's selfish. I don't agree - I think it's selfish not to tell someone because you're scared they will leave you. I guess it depends on your girlfriend.

Personally, I would rather know so I can make an informed decision about who I am in a relationship with. If someone cheated on me and I found out from someone other than them, I don't think the relationship could be repaired. If they told me themselves, knowing that it might cost them the relationship, I can at least respect that they respect me enough to be hones--and the relationship might have a chance. You may think something like this will never come out, but what if it does?

What sort of conversations about honesty have you had with your girlfriend? How do you think she would want you to act? You didn't take her into consideration when you cheated, so I would say now is a good time to start really thinking about what she would want.
posted by witchstone at 2:07 PM on December 8, 2009 [7 favorites]

Let her go. Let her find someone who understands how important she is without cheating on her.

BTW, I think this is a ridiculous statement. Its clear the OP cares deeply about this woman -- at the very least moreso than the average person cares about their SO. Also, what he did is like a 4 on a scale of bad things people do in relationships. The couple had only been dating for a few months and it was with an ex who he probably still had lingering feelings about. Plus, assuming there was even was one, how serious can a commitment of fidelity be after 2 months anyhow?

I reiterate my earlier advice, don't say a thing -- you won't regret it.
posted by gagglezoomer at 2:08 PM on December 8, 2009 [5 favorites]

Don't bring it up. Don't tell her.

That is the easy part.

If this comes up (If she asks about it, in a specific or general way), the hard issue would be whether to lie about it or not, and I do not have a good answer for this.

If your behavior since then (and out in the future) is good, and if it seems like this is a good fit for the both of you, then I would counsel you to take this to your grave with you, hopefully many decades in the future.
posted by Danf at 2:10 PM on December 8, 2009

My then-boyfriend cheated on me two months into our relationship. He struggled with it for a long while and, approximately, one year later came clean to me. It hurt, yes, but I appreciated the honesty. In fact, I credit that honesty for the fact that we dated for two and a half more years (and broke up for entirely unrelated reasons). I trusted him more after he told me, not less.

Tell her. She deserves to know. It might be a deal breaker to her, in which case you are continuing this relationship under false pretenses. She deserves to be on the same damn page as you; you cheated and came to the conclusion that you wanted to be with your current girl. She doesn't know you cheated and therefore cannot make an informed decision about your relationship.

Tell her. You risk losing her, yes, but she's not fully "yours" anyway, not until she makes her informed choice regarding your past behaviour.
posted by lydhre at 2:10 PM on December 8, 2009 [17 favorites]

Do what it is best for you......I could tell you that I have had two friends in the same situation.....

Friend #1: Cheated on his girlfriend a month after they started going out. He felt slightly guilty but like you he learned it wasnt worthy. I told him to stay with her if he felt he wasnt going to do it again and it would eat his soul. Three years have passed since then and he couldnt even be happier (they actually got engaged).

Friend #2: Cheated on his girlfriend merely a week after becoming exclusive, however it was eating away at him everytime I would see him he would talk about his conflict....he was better off telling her....because thats just the person he was.......He did tell her...and they broke up......he wasnt himself for a while but he recovered..........

Do what you have to do....but I think it is perfectly fine to go on like this as long as you forgive yourself AND dont do it again.....if you cant forgive yourself my as well go ahead and tell her.....
posted by The1andonly at 2:10 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Don't say a thing. Why punish her for something that's already done?
posted by eas98 at 2:10 PM on December 8, 2009

Oh FFS December. Life isn't a Harlequin romance. People make mistakes and the aftermath changes them for better or worse. Making a mistake shouldn't require you to bow out of life and wear a sackcloth for an official period of mourning.

OP. You probably shouldn't say anything. Give it more time to settle and don't do it again.
posted by Babblesort at 2:11 PM on December 8, 2009 [10 favorites]

Man up here, son. You done wrong, it's true. But there is no way to undo your indiscretion, and you've taken pains to ensure that you don't have similar weaknesses in the future. You only add to the sadness in the world by telling your girlfriend. She really doesn't need to know UNLESS you are concerned about having given your GF a sexually transmitted disease, in which case you have both a moral and legal duty to tell her to get tested.

Otherwise, just accept your failings. I don't want to sound patronizing, but sometimes being an adult means living with guilt and regret. Get used to a world of consequences, and just choose better next time.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:17 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

The responses suggesting you "shoulder it yourself" and not tell her are surprising, and indicate that many people wouldn't mind being blissfully ignorant of their partner's indiscretion. I'd like to think there's a tacit in most relationships that if something of this magnitude happens, the partner is told. Without that, I don't understand how closeness and honesty and be maintained (specifically, how you could truly be emotionally intimate while harboring this potentially devastating secret).

You owe it to her to tell her and let her make the decision on your future based on the facts. Not because it's the hard thing to do, or because it's easy in the sense that it'll release some weight from your shoulders, but because you respect her as a human being and she deserves to know you betrayed her trust.
posted by null terminated at 2:18 PM on December 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'd not tell. You aren't helping anyone but yourself.

Experience the guilt each time it comes up. Let it flow through, and go from there.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:19 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

Put yourself in her place. If she came to you and gave you this whole story, would you rather she not have told you?

If my SO told me your story, it would be the end. Maybe not right there, but eventually. If I somehow found out about it years down the line, well, I'd be pissed, but I'd understand why there hadn't been a blubbery confession months after the fact.

If she ever confronts you about it, of course, come clean. But it won't do any good to either of you to confess now.
posted by Etrigan at 2:23 PM on December 8, 2009

Holding back important information from someone "for their own good" is, to me, a way of infantilising them - you're making decisions for them without their knowledge, and that's a crappy way to carry on any partnership. So I would tell her.

On the other hand, some people would elect not to know, given the choice, which is why the suggestions in this thread are going to be split down the middle.
posted by Paragon at 2:25 PM on December 8, 2009 [6 favorites]

Given the profusion of "don't tell" responses here, I'd also like to emphasize that it is not as simple as keeping her from some kind of unnecessary "punishment." Sorry, but you already created your pain, and her inevitable pain, when you cheated. But pain or no pain, she deserves as a human being to know who she is with. Right now, and as long as she is with you, she is with somebody who cheated on her, and somebody who has considered lying to her indefinitely. She deserves the chance to determine for herself whether or not this is a deal-breaker, or something you can both work through to make your relationship stronger. You are disrespecting her by trying to deny her part in this decision.
posted by flavor at 2:27 PM on December 8, 2009 [7 favorites]

I think some people are the kind of people who would rather know, and some are the kind who would rather not know. If you really care about her as much as you say, try to let yourself honestly see which one she is (not which one someone on Metafilter is, or which one you would be in her place) and act accordingly.
posted by Salamandrous at 2:32 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you decide to not tell her now, then I would instead do this:

Write a letter to yourself containing your thoughts on the matter, your current state of mind, your feelings and your struggle over this, etc. Be completely honest with yourself in your letter about both how you feel and why you're writing. Get it out of your head. Seal it and put it in a safe place. Focus on the now with your girlfriend.

Do this again as needed. One day in the future, if this ever comes up and the notion of "Why didn't you ever tell me?" arises, you can decide whether or not to revisit and share the letter(s) with your girlfriend. Now, I wouldn't do this with the idea of "Here's proof of struggle, forgive me" but rather, "I know I've hurt you by not telling you these things, but I want you to understand that I have been dealing with this on my own, and here's where I've been. Let's work through it."

This approach may not work for you at all. But that's probably what I would do.

All that said, were I in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd want to know as soon as possible. I'd want to discuss it, work it through, be done with it, and move on. I'd probably need a little bit of time to process though; to put my new feelings in perspective with time, the past, and the now. I'd make an attempt to gauge which route your girlfriend would prefer. Let that ultimately be your guide.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:32 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

I call what you did the monkey dance. That's when you are in a new relationship and the old one keeps cropping up in sexually active ways. I don't think it's particularly unusual to have this happen. If you'd been up front with your GF when it happened, she may have gone out and done a monkey dance on you.
Anyway, I'd say give it a rest. Feeling terminally guilty won't change what you did. Maybe sometime when you are feeling very secure with your relationship and old truths come slipping out, then confess. Otherwise, it will just be a lot of pain and excitement to no good end.
posted by diode at 2:34 PM on December 8, 2009

The only way this could work out is if you didn't feel guilty, but you do. This guilt will manifest itself in all sorts of unexpected ways. You will become increasingly lonely in your guilt, which will distance you from your SO. Eventually, this will probably blow up. Imagine its 5 years from now, and you are about to get married, and instead of thinking of how happy you will be with each other, you instead feel deep, maybe even unconscious, guilt about what happened and lying to her this whole time. So sure you could not tell her and spare her for now. But can you really be sure you will never tell her? Maybe you break down just before the wedding date and tell her. Do you think her feelings will be spared then?
posted by thepalephantom at 2:34 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also, you should go a little easier on yourself. For one thing, everyone makes mistakes, and at least you know it was the wrong thing to do and don't want to do it again. I've been in your situation. It sucks. The fear of rejection from your SO is very strong, and this is driving you to come up with all sorts of rationalizations for not telling her. Here is my advice:

1. Tell her, she deserves to know. You should respect her enough to let her make her own decisions, with all the information.

2. If she wants to stay together, it might be a good idea to seek couple therapy.

3. If she breaks up with you, get into therapy, and start working on making sure you never do something like that again. You will learn eventually to forgive yourself and will become a better person for it.
posted by thepalephantom at 2:41 PM on December 8, 2009

A former boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend about two months into our relationship. He broke down and told me out of guilt about six months later. I was very hurt, but more than that I was angry that he felt the need to throw a big wrench in what was otherwise a good relationship (and one very different from the one we had just two months in).

If I were her, I would absolutely not want to know. What you did was really shitty, but it was early on in the relationship. It seems that you're committed to this woman now, and I can't see any benefit in telling her unless 1) you're unsure of your STD/STI status, 2) there's a good chance of her finding out from someone else, or 3) you think it could happen again.
posted by lunalaguna at 2:43 PM on December 8, 2009 [5 favorites]

If my boyfriend were in your situation (and deeply loved me and wanted to continue our relationship) I would wish he NOT tell me.
This is presuming the cheating would not happen again and he felt certain the cheating was a major mistake.

Could you put the energy you spend spinning on this dilemma into going forward in a positive way with other difficult life tasks?
That's what I'd want my bf to do.
There are a lot of problems out there, choose one you can tackle to make your/your mutual futures better.
posted by Twist at 2:46 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm usually a fan of being open about things like this (well, for that matter I find it ridiculous how people expect their partners to be perfect, or lie about it, and break up over such a stupid thing as sex), but in this case, I say you swallow it and don't tell her for two reasons: (1) it was a year ago, and it ended; and (2) it was a recent ex, which is always a weird and special case.

I have no problem accepting "slipping up" with a recent ex. It's so easy to slide back into the familiar when you're confused. I think this is really common, actually.

In hindsight, too, you can probably see now that you were too recently broken-up with the ex to start another relationship. You weren't really over the ex yet. But you did another relationship, and despite that bad planning (life has bad timing sometimes, too) it has worked out well.

Leave it.
posted by rokusan at 2:47 PM on December 8, 2009

Donate money to charity, plant 6 trees... Be a big brother to a kid... and don't take anything for granted. Write it off as a HUGE mistake... See how you feel then. Still upset? The truth might or might not end your relationship, but it will make you feel less of an idiot. Do you want to marry this girl (if that's your thing)? If yes, tell her as your mental health seems to be depending on it right now...
posted by priested at 2:50 PM on December 8, 2009

don't tell her. talk to a counselor or therapist about how to deal with the guilt. the ONLY reason to tell her would be if you contracted an STD that you could have passed along to her, in which case you MUST tell her.

i disagree that one should be open about infidelities. you should, if you want an open relationship or are incapable of monogamy (i.e. if you are bill clinton). but this is one of those things that you clearly regret, is not a habit, happened very early in the relationship, and seems to be very specific to this one woman you cheated with--in other words, as long as that ex is out of the picture, it's not likely to happen again. so let it go and spare your girlfriend the worry.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:01 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't think you are going to get very far if you keep playing a one-man game of chess. The problem, simply put, is that you're trying to solve a relationship problem by yourself. I think you should handle this in the actual relationship.

There would have been a time when I would say that doing the hard work by yourself and sparing your partner is the best course of action. I would say that guilt is your penance and your responsibility. Now I'm not so sure. Guilt is a place to start - it's gotten you this far - but you don't want to end there.

We reveal ourselves in our actions - much more than in our words. Part of the joy and terror of a relationship is revealing our self to the person we love - of opening our self to the possibility of loving and being loved without illusions of fantasies. I think there is a lovely spontaneity to this process. You throw something - you - into to world and you don't know how it will land, how it will be treated, how it will be seen. That's the terror too.

Tell your girlfriend. Let her see who she is with. I don't mean 'let her see the jerk she's with.' I mean let her see you as a full person who made a mistake, who grew from it, who is willing to confront unpalatable truths about himself, and who is willing to accept the consequences of his actions.

I don't think you have an ethical imperative to tell her, but I do think that if you want your relationship to flourish and grow, you're going to have to take a chance by giving her a larger, clearer and more truthful view of you.

And in this process, you'll see something of her too - how much she has invested in your relationship; how seriously she took the first few months of it; how she gets angry; how she trusts or does not trust; and how she forgives or does not forgive.

I wish you luck.
posted by space_cookie at 3:06 PM on December 8, 2009 [8 favorites]

Tell her.

She absolutely deserves to know what kind of boyfriend she has. Confessing infidelity is not necessarily the end of a relationship, but honest communication IS a vital part of a long-lasting relationship. If you can't be honest with her, what's your relationship based on but lies and deception?

Tell her and then outline everything you've done, how regretful and guilty you feel. Offer to attend counseling together. Let her know you want to make this work and that it was a long time ago, but you feel that she should have all the information.

If I were her, I'd want to know. If she has been honest with you and faithful, true, etc, she shouldn't be deliberately misled in thinking you have too.
posted by cmgonzalez at 3:06 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

If it was me, I'd tell; if I was in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd rather be told. But I think a lot of this comes down to personal preference, and I think our preferences on it tend to stem from the things we're good at in relationships and the things we struggle with.

My girlfriend is bad at lying and good at being honest. It's not just that she tends to get caught when she lies — she tends to be a real jerk about it even before she's caught. The way for her to be a good girlfriend is to be scrupulously honest, even when it's unpleasant things that she's being honest about that. Lucky for me, I can live with that most of the time, so that's how we conduct our relationship.

On the other hand, I know people who are the exact opposite way — who can't seem to manage brutal honesty without using it as a weapon, and who are at their best when they're keeping the bad stuff under their hat. Those people would be totally intolerable if they tried to act like my girlfriend, and she would be totally intolerable if she tried to act like them.

Enough about me and my friends. My point is, there is no best answer here. You need to ask yourself which course of action would make you the best possible boyfriend. Not "What will make me the most comfortable?" or "What will live up to some set of abstract ideals?" or "What will keep her from breaking up with me?" — but "What am I capable of doing with the most kindness?" and "What sort of kindness will mean the most to this particular woman I'm dating?"

You can answer those questions. We can't.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:10 PM on December 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

You should tell her. Yes, it will hurt her, but she will be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not she would like to stay with you. If I was her, I would rather know than remain in the dark.
posted by biochemist at 3:11 PM on December 8, 2009

I weigh in on the side of telling her. In your case, this is weighing heavily on you, and it doesn't seem to be going away. It's going to destroy your relationship in any event if you can't get past it together.
posted by yarly at 3:14 PM on December 8, 2009

Holding back important information from someone "for their own good" is, to me, a way of infantilising them...

I think you are confusing honesty with truth, disclosure with trust.

As I've mentioned somewhere on MeFi before, the best wedding vows I have ever heard included this line: "I trust you to keep secrets from me."

I think we forget a lot in modern Oprah-merica, but sometimes caring for someone's heart is more important, and more nuanced, than inspecting their closet or dumping out your own.
posted by rokusan at 3:32 PM on December 8, 2009 [13 favorites]

One afterthought. I really don't want to come over all "hey infidelity isn't a big deal" here, because I don't believe that. But I think it is worth pointing out a logical problem with anyone here saying "if I was her, I'd want to know". This conclusion is based on not being her in one highly relevant way: you know about the OP's infidelity. She doesn't. (Unless, of course, you believe that the truth will always out somehow, and that's a legitimate position to hold, I think.) On a very basic logical level — ie. quite apart from knowing anything about her and her personality — it makes no sense to say that you'd want to know something she doesn't know when you already know it, thus making your entire perspective on the matter irrevocably different from hers.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 3:38 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

You were together only TWO MONTHS when this happened? You sound as if you'd already been living together or even married! Do not tell her, do not feel guilty any more, learn from it and move on. Breaking up over this would be stupid. Telling her is not the "right" thing to do in this case. If you're still together years from now, that episode will seem like the initial dating period. There is no way to know for certain that someone is going to be your long-term committed relationship after two months, and while what you did wasn't great, these things happen. Give yourself a break and don't mess up your relationship. You can still be totally honest and intimate with her without giving her this picture in her brain, for goodness sake.
posted by fullofragerie at 3:52 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Have been in your situation - ie, having sex with an ex during the early stages of a new relationship [thanks Rokusan, I think the OP should really ponder what you have said, as it helped me to understand why my actions had forgivable reasons for being.]

I want a relationship based on honesty, and I'd wanna know if my partner was fucking around on me - but I'd keep my mouth shut on this one. It doesn't sound like you are a continuing dirty love rat, and the mistake was made at a very early stage when things can be wobbly, confusing and conflicted. Let it go, and be the best you can with your gal from now on. But now that your relationship is more solid, if you are unfaithful or tempted to be so, you should own up to it swiftly and honestly.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:53 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

My vote is for don't tell. Sexual desire makes people do stupid selfish things they regret. Be kind and devoted to your partner. If you cross the line again, it's time for you to be honest and make some sacrifices because you aren't capable of making the commitment.
posted by effluvia at 3:55 PM on December 8, 2009

Tell her: I know that this is the "right" thing to do

Zoinks. Where'd you get that idea? You did it, you have to live with it. Learn and move past it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:59 PM on December 8, 2009

I'm dismayed by the "don't tell her" comments. You don't learn and move past an explicit betrayal of someone's trust, less so someone whom you love, by not talking about it. You know that whole cornerstone-of-every-good-relationship thing? It's communication.

If you tell her, you'll hurt her, and she may leave you. That's the consequence of cheating on someone. If you don't tell her, you're not acting honorably -- you're just a lying cheater, rather than a cheater.
posted by ellF at 4:14 PM on December 8, 2009

Reasons to tell her:

1) Honesty, transparency, and trust are vital to the health of your relationship. Her trust in you is currently based on her incomplete understanding of your honesty and transparency.

2) She deserves the truth so that she can choose to forgive you and work through it, or not. And unless you're really good at compartmentalizing and repressing, your feelings of guilt will probably not just go away, and they will not contribute positively to the relationship.

3) It would be FAR better for her to hear the truth from you than, God forbid, happen to hear it from someone else at some point down the road. If she ever heard it from someone else, you would be 1000x more fucked than having told her yourself.

4) Infidelity does not have to be a relationship killer. It is definitely a possibility, but not guaranteed. What is guaranteed is that it will be rocky for a while afterward, and you will have to work very hard to make it stronger. And I don't mean, like, flowers-and-footrubs hard work, I mean like the real, emotional hard work that goes into a truly rock-solid relationship. (Counseling could be involved. From the way you think she'll react, it sounds like she may have some self-esteem issues?)

5) I disagree with the following ideas, and would like to suggest framing them differently: I don't think it's brave or manly to "shelter" her from the truth or "keep her from suffering" or carry the burden of your guilt or whatever. There are a number of situations in which I could see a lie of omission being the best path, but this isn't one of them.

Telling her doesn't need to be the end of things. It would certainly require some kind of new beginning, however that might manifest itself.

Relevant personal experience: Was cheated on, not particularly early in relationship. It was a drunken hookup. Heard about it several days later from someone else, and confronted him with it. He 'fessed up, I was devastated, and things were rough for a good while, but 4 years later we are still together, and the relationship ultimately became more open and communicative. No problems since.

Good luck, however you decide to proceed.
posted by hegemone at 4:17 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Unless she has reasons for getting and STI screen, I fall in the don't tell her camp. It was early on in the relationship, it was with your ex. Then again, I usually expect things to be fairly fluid at the beginning of a relationship. I think it all depends on your girlfriend, the expectations you share and how you communicate. I'm currently in the early stages of a relationship myself, and would prefer to not know about such things until we've decided what being "exclusive" means.
posted by Maude_the_destroyer at 5:05 PM on December 8, 2009

don't tell her. talk to a counselor or therapist about how to deal with the guilt.

Interesting, in an ironic way. The same therapist who's going to help you deal with your guilt, if she's worth her salt, is most likely going to come down on the side of telling your girlfriend. Why? Because honest, open communications is generally considered to be the cornerstone of a healthy long-term relationship.

I'm of the mind that it's not even your decision to make, if you truly respect your girlfriend. Unless she has intimated that she doesn't see this kind of behavior as problematic, but otherwise just doesn't want to know about it--and from your description, I highly doubt that this is the case--if you respect her at all you owe it to her to tell her. She has every right to know what kind of person she's dating. That doesn't belong to you. By not telling her, you're taking something away from her that's rightfully hers, as a co-equal partner in your relationship.

Similarly, the way that she reacts to knowing does not belong to you. I'm frankly surprised at the number of responses that are essentially advocating shielding her from the knowledge of your bad behavior. I presume that neither of you are children. How she reacts belongs to her. And how you work through it belongs to both of you. Maybe you'll stay together. Maybe you won't. But again, not telling her is taking that decision away from her. In my book, that's not right.

Just to clarify, I'm not judging the morality of your 'cheating' one way or another; as game warden to the events rhino points out, different cultures have different norms, and who am I to judge one over the other? But if you both value honesty as a moral imperative to your relationship, then not telling her is the immoral act.

I'm sure everyone has a different take on this kind of issue. This is mine.
posted by Brak at 5:41 PM on December 8, 2009 [5 favorites]

I have been your girlfriend in this situation, and despite all the pain I went through, I'm very strongly in the "tell her" camp. In my perspective, every day that goes by where you don't tell her, you're lying to her. You're pretending to be someone that you're not, and that's someone who has been faithful to her. You made your choice to cheat on her. Now, let her know, so she can make her choice whether or not to work things out or not.

Also, if you tell her, you will show her you can be brave. When the guy I was with didn't tell me (I found out through a third party, NOT GOOD), not only was I angry about the infidelity, but I was also disgusted by his cowardice.

Tell her.
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 5:43 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

If this were me, I would be as confused as you are about what the right thing is to do. But that wouldn't stop me making a decision. Regardless of what is right, I would tell. Here's why: it's likely that she'll find out.

People habitually overestimate their chances of keeping secrets from spouses. And you're talking about this girl like she's "the one" -- like you intend to settle down with her. Let's say you do so and you wind up being married to her (or in a marriage-like relationship with her) for twenty years. That's 7,300 days in which there's a chance she could find out. A very small chance, maybe, but a small chance multiplied by 7,300.

How could she find out? Well, you could have a fit of guilt and tell her. You could get into a fight with her and blurt it out. You could get drunk and blurt it out. You could talk in your sleep.

You are not the only person with the secret. At least one other person knows about it: your ex. Are you 100% sure she will keep it to herself and never -- not once in the next 20 years -- tell anyone else about it? Not her best friend? Not her one of her future boyfriends or husbands*? Because if she talks, then that will be three people who know. If you've told anyone -- e.g. a best friend -- that's four people.

You've heard of Six Degrees of Separation, right? One of those people might tell someone who will tell someone who will tell someone who will tell your girlfriend. Unlikely? Maybe. But unlikely times 7,300.

You've also talked about it on AskMe. Could your girlfriend possible find this post and link it back to you? Unlikely times 7,300.

You don't really even need to explicitly talk about it to move into danger mode. You or someone else just needs to make a slip that would make your girlfriend suspicious.

It's probably more likely that she won't find out than she will, but it's still somewhat likely that she will. And you'll have to live with that possibility for as long as you're with her.

Let's say she doesn't find out for fifteen years. How is she going to feel if she finds out about this fifteen years from now and knows you've kept it from her all that time? THAT'S why I would tell now. It's not worth the risk of waiting.

(Imagine you had this choice: you could kick your girlfriend now or flip 40 coins every day for the next 20 years. If all 40 coins ever come up heads, you have to cut one of her arms off. Sorry to use this nasty example, but I think it's what you're up against.)

In my marriage, I just assume that my wife WILL find out my secrets. It makes making decisions like this really easy.

*I share everything with my wife. If someone tells me something and asks me not to tell anyone else, I say "No problem," and then I tell my wife. (I say to her, "Bill made me promise not to tell anyone about this, so don't spread it around, okay?") I guess this makes me a bad person, but I doubt I'm bad in an uncommon way. In fact, whenever I tell anyone a secret, I sort of assume he'll tell his significant other or best friend.

Now I trust my wife not to tell Bill's secret, but then I see my wife through love-tinted glasses. Maybe she's more of a blabbermouth than I think she is. Maybe she won't tell anyone -- except for her best friend from childhood. ("My husband made me promise not to tell anyone, so PLEASE keep this to yourself!") And, of course, her best friend is married...
posted by grumblebee at 6:09 PM on December 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

I think that "game warden to the events rhino" had the best answer. There is no universal truth or solution to your dilemma. What may be considered "right" here by Ask Metafilter commenters, who I am going to assume are mostly American or westernized, could be considered wrong in other cultures.

It's almost impossible for anyone to answer without injecting their own emotions - like how would you feel if you were in her shoes?

Obviously, since the community here is torn right down the middle about it, you're going to have to decide for yourself. In my opinion, that was the best option anyway.
posted by consilience at 6:11 PM on December 8, 2009

If you really want what's best for her, and she's like most people (who don't want to live a lie), then tell her and follow her lead from there.

However, if you really just want to stop feeling guilty, I suggest you start being honest with yourself about it. If you really wanted what's best for her, you would have told her already. Be honest with yourself, accept who you are, and if you can't -- if you think you're a terrible person for doing this, the kind of person you can't stand to be -- then do what's best for you and tell her and follow her lead from there.

In short: if you can lie and live with it, then that's the kind of person you are and there's no moral imperative for you to behave otherwise. However, if you truly want what's best for her, or living like this isn't what's best for you, then tell her.
posted by davejay at 6:12 PM on December 8, 2009

You can still be totally honest and intimate with her without giving her this picture in her brain, for goodness sake.

This is laughable. He is way beyond being "totally honest" if he keeps this secret. The OP is deceiving his girlfriend every single day that they are together. There's no magic point where cheating is somehow okay if you've decided to date each other exclusively, even if that is two months into a relationship. I'm also dismayed at those who advocate continuing the deception.

But I think it is worth pointing out a logical problem with anyone here saying "if I was her, I'd want to know". This conclusion is based on not being her in one highly relevant way: you know about the OP's infidelity. She doesn't.

This is a false notion, because those of us who say something along those lines are likely putting ourselves into a hypothetical position with our own partners. At least I was. That's not from drawing a conclusion based upon prior knowledge of the OP's infidenlty.
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:14 PM on December 8, 2009

There are some cultures where what you did would be considered utterly insignificant

I'm down with cultural relativism, but in this context it seems that if this were the case, there would be no harm in confessing (because she would see it as utterly insignificant).

But you're correct, there is no one right way to react, culturally or personally. The choice of how to react, however, should be the girlfriend's, not the OP's.
posted by Paragon at 6:24 PM on December 8, 2009

Some people would rather know if their partner had cheated on them. Some people would rather not.

Given the range of answers above, it seems to me that the answer to your question is, which kind of people is your girlfriend? Is she the kind of person who would want to know that you've cheated on her, or the other kind?

I suspect that if you thought she were the latter, you wouldn't be asking us to help you out on this. If you believe that she would prefer to know the truth, you might as well tell her, because the alternative is too awful to contemplate.
posted by bricoleur at 6:29 PM on December 8, 2009

Never tell her.
posted by feelinggood at 6:44 PM on December 8, 2009

Just another voice on the "don't tell her" side. The early months of a relationship can be tumultuous. Perhaps you had already said that you were going to be exclusive when you "cheated" on her. However, you had only been together for two months. You weren't in a long-term relationship yet. You weren't engaged or married. There really is a difference, IMO. Now that you've been together a while, it's a different story, of course. Maybe that's where your anxiety is coming from--you can't IMAGINE cheating on her now, so you're horrified that you ever did. I think this is a mind game you are playing with yourself, and you need to just snap out of it.

I agree with the point you make that to tell her would be to dump this problem in her lap, which isn't exactly a loving thing to do. I also agree with what another mefite said, that it's OK--perhaps even important--to have secrets even from people who you love more than anything.

Of course, if you think some idiot will actually tell her about this episode, then you obviously need to tell her first. But it doesn't sound like that's a possibility from your question.
posted by tk at 6:55 PM on December 8, 2009

Don't tell her, as long as you're NEVER GONNA CHEAT ON HER EVER AGAIN and you KNOW you can control yourself, and as long as you know she's NEVER gonna find out from anyone else.

Cheating is crappy, but really, do the first two months of a relationship count that much if you've been with her for a year? If you continue to be with her for another year, or 5, or 10? Probably not. The longer you go being faithful to her, the less guilty you should feel, since you realized what an idiot you were. Now if you were going to cheat again, you should tell her afterwards and let her decide whether to ever trust you again.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:56 PM on December 8, 2009

You should tell her. Yes, it will hurt her, but she will be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not she would like to stay with you.

Exactly this. Let her choose you knowing everything that happened and weighing it against your current relationship. Don't "handle" her or "protect" her from what you did. You shouldn't choose the path of this relationship on your own: she's a full partner in it. She's entitled to know.
posted by gladly at 7:21 PM on December 8, 2009

What I have never understood is how someone who cheats and then lies can approach any future problems in the relationship. Say the girlfriend confesses to a major failing in the relationship - how can an honest conversation take place when one person is with-holding such important information. If, dog forbid, she were to cheat and confess how can the liar help her work through her guilt while holding their own as secret?

In your personal example OP you seem obsessed with holding all the power in your relationship. You want to keep the upper hand by either refusing to allow her to make an informed decision to stay, dumping her without telling her knowing she will blame herself or if you do tell her you want to control how she interperts the information. You don't want to her to blame herself but maybe she would use that knowledge to reinterpert what people she is attracted to and what role she plays in relationships (especially if she displays co-dependence tendancies). If she has ever been cheated on before then she definately needs to know.

As noted upthread, you have no control over who your ex may tell, for all you know she has told her current boyfriend and upon breaking up he may decide to spread his pain and tell your girlfriend. The secret is out, it is just a question of when it will catch up to you.
posted by saucysault at 7:27 PM on December 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

Really only you can answer that question. Ask yourself "What am I trying to accomplish?" You are already dealing with the consequences. I would do one thing before taking any action. Figure out why you are so afraid of intimacy that you have avoided it for so long. Your in ability to commit is the real issue here. When you get to the bottom of that issue the rest is academic. It becomes a decision about what consequences you are more willing to live with.

In your current state of self flagellation you are most likely to decide to do what causes you the most pain with out regard for her at all. You may even tell her so you can let your self off the hook once again escaping your discomfort with intimacy. This cycle will repeat until you peel back the layers of denial and guilt.

Get yourself sorted out. See a counselor or a clergy member or a friend who will respect your confidentiality. This will clear the way for better decision making and should you decide to tell her you can do that with her interest in mind. Going the counselor will also show her your commitment to the relationship and that you are willing to go to work on your baggage.

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." - Tao Te Ching
posted by empty vessel at 7:32 PM on December 8, 2009

I do not agree with any philosophy in this thread. "Right and wrong" do not apply in relationships. This is not a philosophical problem.

PS From experience I am in the do not tell camp. Life is only so short, do not destroy what you have achieved.
posted by niccolo at 7:46 PM on December 8, 2009

Here's the thing: There are probably weird undercurrents between you two, because you're living with this guilt and thinking about it, and she has no idea. If you don't tell her, you're not giving her the opportunity to forgive you and be done with it. Give her a little credit. She can probably handle it. If she can't handle the fact that you're not perfect, even though you've already changed the behavior that was a problem, then she's probably not the person for you anyway.

I disagree completely with the "take it to your grave" philosophy. I think that the things left unsaid can fester and eat away at the foundations of a relationship, which should be trust and a reasonable degree of honesty. ("Do I look fat in this dress?" is different than "Honey, I slept with my ex.")
posted by eleyna at 8:31 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

How long have you been alive? It seems there are some people in the "she deserve to know what kind of person she's with" camp and if you are going to go in that direction, you have years and years, perhaps decades, of actions to explain. Why weren't you nicer to your aunt that time? Was it really fear, and not money, that made you decide against the semester in Rome? Who are you, anyway? How could she possibly know unless you tell her every naval-gazing guilt you have. Also, if there is something about her that you don't like - the mole on her left earlobe or her affection for mid-century space opera science fiction - tell her now. She deserves to know. That will only help the relationship. Ditto things you don't like about her family and friends.

Look, call it the monkey dance or whatever you want. What you did was stupid, but it's not unusual and I wouldn't be surprised if this woman has a few similar black spots on her record.

Don't tell. If she asks, be honest. (And don't forget to ask why she's asking - possibly she has some monkey dance guilt of her own.) The letter idea is pretty nifty - but I have no idea how that would play out if she did ask and you produced the letter.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:32 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've been cheated on. I was all with you until the point where I realized YOU HADN'T EVEN TOLD YOUR GIRLFRIEND YET.

You haven't done anything--moved forward, fixed things, moved on--until you tell her. She can't trust you. She had those niggling "voices in her head" and until you tell her that she was right, OF COURSE she will blame herself. This is a classic reaction--you want to think well of the person you're dating, and so you assume that you're the one who's crazy.

Until you find out that you were right all along.

Please, please tell her. Everyone has the right to know who they're dating. Everyone has the right to the truth and an informed decision. No matter how uncomfortable you are when you tell her, no matter how hurt she is, it's better than lying to her day in and day out for years.

The longer you wait, the worse your betrayal will be. It compounds every time you act like things are fine or tell her "you love her" without immediately telling her that you've betrayed her trust.
posted by timoni at 10:14 PM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

"You only add to the sadness in the world by telling your girlfriend. She really doesn't need to know."

There were quite a few variants on this theme in the replies. To that end, I'd like to point out this statement:

"From what I can see, the only thing it will change is her self-esteem and paranoia."

I'm continually flabbergasted by how people in relationships don't notice, or don't want to recognize, that continually lying to their partners usually leads to their partners feeling confused and eventually overly suspicious--and because they're not being told the truth, they then feel like something must be wrong with them. I'd bet money that your girlfriend's self-esteem issues and "paranoia" are based on the fact that you did, in fact, cheat on her, she picked up on it, but has no proof and you aren't validating her very accurate gut instinct.

Tell her, and she will be rightfully angry, but she will realize she wasn't paranoid. And that will help her self-esteem enormously.
posted by timoni at 10:19 PM on December 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

I feel like I gotta break this confess cheating or don't confess cheating logic down via a few handy-dandy ethical systems...

* Utilitarian ethics: In theory, telling makes her more miserable and you less miserable. (But she might get over it, or grow to trust you more.) Not telling keeps you miserable and keeps her ignorant (Although she might have intuitions that you don't know about or she may find out at a later date.)
* Virtue-based ethics: In a nutshell, virtue ethics ask, "will this act make me a better person?" Honesty is generally considered a virtue. Managing your inner-guilt to "take one for the team" might also be considered a virtue, but we could also frame this act as martyrdom, which can have bad repercussions when habitualized.
* Care-based ethics: The care-based ethical system places more emphasis on the people close to us in our lives and in our present moment. Case-based ethics would say to do what is best for your SO, but without communication on this subject how could you know what is best for her for sure?
* Justice-based ethics: By not telling, you are avoiding some of the consequences of your actions while choosing to feel guilty instead.
* Deontological/rules-based ethics: Deontology makes the argument that there are no situational ethics and that we should live our lives by firm rules. In this case, we've got "Honesty is the best policy," versus, "do no harm."
* Karma: This misdeed is very clearly heavily imprinted on your mind. Karma is cause and effect, so bad karma brings bad effects. Luckily, we are empowered with free will to overcome bad karma. Regret the act, repair the damage done to others and within oneself, make effort to not repeat the bad deed and work towards purifying the mind with charity, meditation and/or mantras. I think your true motivation matters the most with regards to karma for whatever your next step may be to repair the damage.

I'm sure that my bias is showing with regards to this analysis. From my own experience, I was recently in an early relationship where the other party wanted to see other people. I asked them to spare my feelings of jealousy by keeping me ignorant. Sufficeth to say, in the end I was burned. very. badly. and I won't make such a Devil's Bargain ever again. So even mutually agreed upon hiding can have bad repercussions.

If you're suffering with guilt as much as you say you are, then your SO has already seen that you're suffering from something and is already wondering what the heck is going wrong!
posted by Skwirl at 12:13 AM on December 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

I haven't read any of the replies. But if it were me, I would DEFINITELY want to know. I also think you can't have a true relationship based on anything other than total honesty.

And by the way, telling her will not increase her paranoia, telling her will increase her realism. Being more suspicious of you will not be some kind of disordered thinking, it will be perfectly proper and appropriate thinking.

I think the right time not to tell people you've cheated is when you guys have broken up. THAT is when it serves no purpose. But allowing someone to remain with you in a relationship where you have cheated without telling them. I think that's completely wrong.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:21 AM on December 9, 2009

Oh and by the way, I think all this "different cultures have different norms" thing is just the weakest cop-out ever.

1. OP + girlfriend live in this culture.

2. No matter what culture you live in, every couple has the right to decide for themselves how their relationship will be, regardless of what the larger culture does. We know what they've decided vis a vis monogamy.

3. There is no culture in the world that smiles upon LYING to your spouse about having sex with someone else.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:31 AM on December 9, 2009

Wow. So many of these "don't tell her" answers are focused on her, or at best the relationship.

This is an issue of neither. This is an issue of who you are.

Only you have to live with you the rest of your life. I'm sorry, but she could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You will still wake up everyday being a person comfortable living with lies and indiscretions in your life. You will live a lie, for the rest of your days.

It rubs me the wrong way in the extreme when I see you, and so many responders, treating the word "right" (thing to do) with kid gloves, as if it was something that is flexible to a situation. No, it isn't. The right thing to do is the right thing to do. It doesn't change. Someone else's twisted definition of "right" may be different from yours, but that doesn't really mean jack either. You said it yourself - you know its the right thing to do. You will always have to live with that - you and no one else. You can either choose here to do the "wrong" thing (again!), or choose to do the more difficult "right."

She will probably leave you. It will be bad for her and her family. It will be bad for you.

But if you honestly fail to see why that's the honorable thing to do, I think you answered your own question before you even wrote it, and I think you'll spend the rest of your life dishonoring her like you already have.

There's only one way to do the honorable thing, and it is not the easy way, this time. The honorable man admits what he's done and begs forgiveness and seeks restitution, and then lives an honest life. He lives with the consequences of his actions, he doesn't harbor lies.
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:38 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also, the only two relationships in which my SO acted like I was being paranoid are also the only two relationships in which I was being cheated on.

And the only time I was directly called "paranoid" using that word, was in a discussion where I directly asked my SO if he was cheating on me with a particular person. Which it turned out he was.

Continuing to lie to your girlfriend is not going to solve her "paranoia."

Her "paranoia" will be resolved when she gets better at figuring out when her suspicious feelings are based in truth and when they are not.

You withholding info from her about suspicions being based in truth does nothing except damage that suspicion meter. It doesn't fix it.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:41 AM on December 9, 2009

This is not a problem, this is a predicament. There is no solution, only options. In this case there is no right or wrong. Only actions and consequences.

The right thing to do is not always the right thing to do.

Is it the right thing to admit to your kids that you used drugs in the past? Is it right to admit to your sister that you beat up the kid who was harassing her? Is it right to usurp your bosses authority in order to save the company money? There are no absolutes. And that's what makes this stuff so hard.

It is possible that you not tell your girlfriend and you live happily ever after. It is possible that you don't tell her, you cheat on her again, and you end up giving her an STD. It is also possible that you tell her, she leaves you, and ends up in an abusive relationship.

There is no way of seeing the unintended consequences here.

This is an extreme example but what are the unintended consequences of Tiger Woods affairs? What he did was wrong, but the truth may have further reaching consequences that the action itself. How many people lives will be affected by this all coming to light? How many kids will be better off knowing that their hero is an adulterer. What type of economic contagion will come from this?

Some men live their lives with firm principles independent of context. Some live their lives with principles based on situation and nuance. No one can say which is the right way to live.
posted by jasondigitized at 6:47 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I was going to marry you, and if I felt like you were the love of my life and the relationship is wonderful, and if you felt the same way too, I would NOT want to know. Ever. I don't even want hints of it.

If I were dating you just as a pleasant romantic distraction, then, yeah, the sooner the better.
posted by moiraine at 7:38 AM on December 9, 2009

I have been overcome with an intense guilt for half a year now, and it has not subsided to this point.

That's just no way to live and I can't believe it's healthy for the relationship. I'd tell her just so the two of you can come to some kind of resolution, one way or the other.

The only way I wouldn't tell is if I *knew* that that is what she would want me to do.

For the record, I think cheating with an ex two months into a relationship is wrong but understandable and forgivable. And probably more common than you think. No way I would throw away an otherwise good relationship if I were the one cheated on in that manner and this was confessed to me months later, but of course, I am not your gf. (And I am male.)
posted by callmejay at 7:53 AM on December 9, 2009

If you cheated ages ago and you're long over it and realize your mistake and are in love with me and want a future with me and are committed to making that happen, I don't want you to tell me that you cheated on me.

If you're a serial cheater who's holding on to a "primary" relationship for any of a number of effed up reasons, can't define love, can't envision a future without cheating on me, I want you to tell me that you cheated on me.
posted by ersatzkat at 8:00 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Definitely tell her. If you don't, one way or another it's going to effect your behavior and your relationship. It's impossible to bury these things effectively. At least if you tell her you can move towards having and open and honest relationship.

It's going to be rough, bro. No lies. My spouse had an affair and we're still getting over it, but both of us see a way to a better relationship than we had before the whole thing happened. If your relationship is strong enough, it can weather it. A *huge* percentage of marriages and other long-term relationships out there deal with with this effectively.

Honestly, the worst thing you could do is to continue to live the lie. Come clean. It'll suck in the short term, but it's completely worth it in the long term.
posted by kryptonik at 8:35 AM on December 9, 2009

on reading your original post again, you seem excessively concerned that telling your girlfriend the truth will do more harm than good to her. that doesn't seem to bode well for the future of your relationship in general, since it seems that your consideration in every decision or argument will be based on your expectation of her reaction, rather than what's best for both of you.

My original recommendation that you suck it up and not tell was based on my understanding that a) yours was a relatively new relationship at the time anyway, at a time when rules are somewhat fuzzy and b) you seemed to be punishing yourself more effectively than anyone else could, and torturing your blameless girlfriend seemed pointless.

I have friends who have explicitly told their significant others that if they cheated, they should be discreet and not let anyone, including their spouse find out. I, on the other hand, would always want to know, because that's how my mind works. the nearly even split of tell-don't tell responses in this thread, and the lucidity and wholeheartedness of the arguments shows that either way is right, depending on who both of you are.

I think what you really need to do is examine the power distance in your relationship and decide if you and your girlfriend really have what it takes to ride things out. ask yourself if you'd want to know, if she did the same to you. ask yourself if the two of you can really have a hard conversation about the real crises that arise in every married life. and then decide.
posted by toodleydoodley at 9:15 AM on December 9, 2009

"There are no absolutes."

You mean, except for the one you just made, right there?
posted by allkindsoftime at 10:04 AM on December 9, 2009

Trying to lie won't work, don't bother. It's not worth the extra damage you'll do. Seriously don't pretend to be taking one for the team. You're lying to yourself, then... when does it stop?
posted by ServSci at 10:50 AM on December 9, 2009

Two months into a relationship? Did you profess undying love and exclusivity then? Is it even remotely possible that she was seeing other people at the time, and gasp, might have slept with them, maybe even more than once? Maybe one was an ex? And maybe she chose not to tell you this because you're now both in love and exclusive and it would just hurt you?

Don't tell her. You're treating yourself like you're Tiger Woods.
posted by teg4rvn at 12:16 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mod note: comments removed - wisecracks don't help people solve problems, thanks
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:43 PM on December 10, 2009

I cheated on my most recent boyfriend ("D") of 3yrs, after finding out that he slept with someone else while we were broken up for a week. He is in another country, and he is coming back in 2 mo. I told D that I slept with someone else a week after it happened because I didn't know how to deal with what he did.

I've cheated on a lot of boys but never had the urge to tell them. I never mattered to me. I wasn't consumed by guilt. And D knows this. But with D, I know I love him. I know I want a future with him. But how great of future will it be if he doesn't completely know me. I don't know how he is doing right now. He blocked me on social networks and changed his number.

I took full responsibility. It feels like a cure, like I am a better person.

I want him to know every piece of me. And if he can't, then we are not meant to be. So, I strongly suggest that you tell her. Because if she can accept you for you and look pass "the cheating", understand why it happened, I think it would make you better person for telling her. And it would make you and your relationship stronger.

I am hoping that he can look pass my action and understand how much of myself and love took for me to tell him. I wanted to break my cycle.
posted by kagategeregin at 2:57 PM on February 27, 2010