Oh oh oh!
December 8, 2009 8:30 AM   Subscribe

Why can't I get aroused on my own and how do I start? Why doesn't masturbation feel good and how can I make it start?

Okay, so I'm a early twenties girl in a relationship with a guy, and we have some pretty good sexual chemistry I would say.

He can say something, touch me in specific ways, etc., and the process of arousal begins rather nicely, meaning I definitely get wet quite easily.

He can touch me and it feels great.

However, being that I'm a young female I rather typically haven't spent much time masturbating and therefore don't know how to get myself off or how to instruct my boyfriend to. And basically the advice I've gotten from the internet is to practice...

However, I try to practice (masturbate) and it just doesn't feel at all as good. It feels like I'm touching my arm or something. When my boyfriend does the same thing, it feels great. What gives?

Another thing is that I've read it's better to be aroused before you masturbate... I get no where near the amount of aroused by myself as I get with my boyfriend. Sometimes I think of something sexy he did, and it feels like I'm starting to get aroused but then the feeling goes away even if I continue the thought. It's like an initial sensation and then nothing. And it's not just that the initial sensation is the best, even if I continue the thought (or any other mental fantasy) nothing really happens. I might get a little horny, but never really wet.

I try getting aroused with porn. Pretty much the same thing, even if I'm thinking oh I want to do that so badly, it's like my genitals don't connect to my brain. No or little arousal.

When I read erotica, I get a lot of that "initial sensation" I was talking about earlier. I guess the best way I can describe it is that it feels like things are filling up with blood or something, kinda throbbing. It's definitely a genital sensation, yet after reading erotica for a while, still no wetness or any other physical sign of arousal!

I've read quite a bit of erotica and it's pretty much always the same thing.

I rarely feel... desirous I guess, but this article makes that seem like it's pretty normal. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200907/desire-in-women-does-it-lead-sex-or-result-it

I like having sex and I never turn it down because it's fun, but I feel like those women and don't get desirous until I'm aroused usually.

Another thing (super embarrassing! ) is that my clit doesn't really get erect... unless I'm taking a crap! I don't think I'm sexually excited by excreta, but I think it's just the pushing perhaps forces blood into there or something. It also gets super erect after I've given myself a not so satisfying orgasm with a vibrator. It never gets that erect by myself, and it doesn't even get that way with my boyfriend. I guess it changes size, but not that much.

So main questions are, how do I make masturbation feel the way it feels when my boyfriend touches me? Why doesn't fantasy/porn turn me on much? How can I turn myself on then? Or do I just always need to be with a partner?

Throwaway is throwawaymetafiltercool@gmail.com
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (5 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
how do I make masturbation feel the way it feels when my boyfriend touches me?

Every person is different; for me, masturbation is and has always been a lesser cousin to getting off with a partner. I'm glad I started masturbating at a young age, so I didn't know what I was missing. I get off completely differently by myself than with someone else, and the orgasms feel very different, too. I don't see any need to replicate one experience in the other situation.

"Practice" doesn't have to be you all by yourself. Two people can practice together - telling him what feels good and what doesn't.
posted by muddgirl at 8:38 AM on December 8, 2009


Are you on birth control? Antidepressants? Either (or both) can have a distinct effect on arousal and wetness.

It sounds like you're doing this a bit, but keep trying other forms of masturbation (vibrators, shower massagers--really, I can't recommend shower massagers enough!!) and different types of "porn." Like many women, written erotica does it for me far better than pictures or movies.

I think you might be focusing on your clit too much, actually. I've never particularly noticed how big or erect my clit gets, even when masturbating. It's all just about feeling good, not about any measurable indicators. This--"I guess the best way I can describe it is that it feels like things are filling up with blood or something, kinda throbbing. It's definitely a genital sensation, yet after reading erotica for a while, still no wetness or any other physical sign of arousal!"--sounds exactly like arousal for me, when I was on birth control. Now that we're using condoms, things are generally much wetter. But female arousal isn't as clearcut as male arousal, and it's not like you need to be walking around with a girl-boner to be turned on.

So main questions are, how do I make masturbation feel the way it feels when my boyfriend touches me?

Masturbation never feels the same as sex to me. I view it as a separate pleasurable activity entirely--if you stop expecting it to feel like sex, and start appreciating it as just something nice/relaxing/fun to do with yourself, it might help you to enjoy it more.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:42 AM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]


Also, if you want to make masturbation more pleasurable, can you ask him what he's doing and how he's touching you? Maybe get a mirror during sex so you can see?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:44 AM on December 8, 2009


Could you try using something other than your fingers? Perhaps the fact that it doesn't feel as good when you touch yourself is related to the fact that we can't tickle ourselves. If you use something else, it will feel different and perhaps your brain will see (feel) it differently.
posted by Solomon at 9:27 AM on December 8, 2009


Lube. Use lube. Even if you're not doing any penetration, add lube into the mix.

And yeah, I like masturbation and I like sex, but they don't feel the same at all. Sex with all partners feels different and solo sex feels different from partner sex.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:40 PM on December 8, 2009


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