ripe for the pickens

December 6, 2009 9:03 AM

The man I am in a relationship with and I had sex for the first time last night. I like this man. He has many great qualities. However, I am fairly smell conscious. When I suspect sex is involved I shower, thoroughly out of preference and consideration for my lover...however last night there was an issue. He had bad breath and body odor, to put it gently, in more than one area. How do I handle this situation without offending? How does one nicely say; brush your teeth and shower before we go on a date or plan to have sex? This could be a deal breaker for me if I can't figure it out.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total)

Just be honest and forward. Tell him what you said in this post minus the deal-breaker part.
posted by chicago2penn at 9:08 AM on December 6, 2009

"Hey, man I am in a relationship with? You're great, you have many qualities, but we need to talk about something: I am fairly smell conscious. Please brush your teeth and have a shower before we go on a date or plan to have sex. Thanks."

If your relationship can't survive a direct conversation about this, then it's not worth having. And if he doesn't understand or isn't willing to take care of the problem, then he's not worth having.
posted by ook at 9:08 AM on December 6, 2009 [15 favorites]

Shower sex.

And compliment him lots next time he makes an effort. If he never makes an effort, make a joke out of him having BO. He'll pick up on it soon enough.
posted by Solomon at 9:08 AM on December 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

Add another "great" in there as needed.
edit feature plz
posted by ook at 9:10 AM on December 6, 2009

A shower is easy, I think. Turn on the shower, take off your clothes, and invite him in with soapy hands and a big smile.

As for the breath thing, if it's for a date, that may be more tricky to deal with if you're not at home, but carrying mints might help. Have one for yourself, then offer one to him. If you're at home, keep mouthwash and an extra toothbrush in your washroom, then before things get hot and heavy, say you'd like to brush your teeth and then ask if he'd like to do the same.

I think it's easier to deal with hygene issues if you admit that you yourself can get a bit stinky, as well.
posted by xingcat at 9:10 AM on December 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

A shower is easy, I think. Turn on the shower, take off your clothes, and invite him in with soapy hands and a big smile.

I don't think that will successfully get the message across; if you have to do that every time then it'll be a pain for you and will make him just think sexy showers are your thing.

Do what kathrineg suggested.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:19 AM on December 6, 2009

You have to say something, or it may be a constant issue (did he have any idea this might happen when it did, or was it kind of a surprise? That might make a difference, too). As for the breath thing, it's possible that it's tonsil stones, which are a bit tough to deal with.
posted by Red Loop at 9:25 AM on December 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

I disagree with the people who suggest you trick him into being clean. This method is far too labor-intensive on your part, with no end in sight.
posted by thejoshu at 9:31 AM on December 6, 2009 [21 favorites]

Oops, I meant to italicize the quote above, sorry if my response seemed contradictory.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:36 AM on December 6, 2009

Have you ever had sex with someone whose BO you enjoyed?

If not, I'm with katherineg.

If so, you should just break up with him. Even when he cleans up you're probably not going to enjoy him for long.

Is it possible that he DID shower before the date that preceeded the sex?

If so, you should definitely break up with him.

My bias is that I believe people are smell compatible. And also smell incompatible.
posted by pick_the_flowers at 9:41 AM on December 6, 2009 [5 favorites]

What Ook said: "Dear Whatsyourname, I think you need a shower and a mint". Period.

But if I may add, I'm somewhat baffled by the notion proposed here that men are overall simple creatures that can be trained with a little affirmative action -- or sex.
As fun as it is for everyone (well, everyone interested) being beckoned inside a shower by a nice lady in her birthday suit, you shouldn't start a relationship using sex as currency.
posted by _dario at 9:46 AM on December 6, 2009 [2 favorites]

Be aware that sometimes people have habitually poor grooming habits that could be corrected easily, sometimes they have normal grooming habits but have had an unusual day on the day you encounter their aroma(s), and sometimes they have chronic body issues that they fight but can't beat. You see that third group here on AskMe asking anonymous questions due to their dread about their various body problems and medical complications. See the questions about breath, b.o., odors "down there", sweating in various places, vaginal issues, gross skin things, gas, etc. So as you figure out how to broach this, don't necessarily assume that he just didn't shower or brush. It could well be that, but a little more data gathering may be in order. He could be oblivious or could be hyper-aware of it but unable to fix it. Either situation requires sensitivity, one more than the other. This is a tough spot for you. Good luck.
posted by kookoobirdz at 10:01 AM on December 6, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Go hop in the shower and clean up so that I can get you dirty again."
posted by handabear at 10:25 AM on December 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

I once read a funny blog by an American women living in Japan which talked about cultural norms involving sex. There are a number of things that caused a lot of confusion between her and her Japanese boyfriend; one of them was showering. In Japan (according to this blog anyway), you both shower immediately before sex. In fact, in the early stages of courtship her boyfriend tried to initiate something by casually mentioning "you know, you can use my shower if you like...", to which she, having showered only a few hours ago before leaving her place and kind of offended at the assumption that she was smelly, said "umm...that's OK thanks" and then both parties were left feeling confused and rejected.

In other words, different people have different expectations for showering and smelling and just because he isn't doing this for you it doesn't necessarily mean he is not considerate; he just doesn't know what's normal for you. You have tell him specifically that for you, showering and smelling nice immediately before dates is something people do for each other and you expect this from him.

This might be embarrassing for him to hear from you, of course. Is there a mutual friend who could pass a message along?
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:46 AM on December 6, 2009

Showering together makes for great foreplay!

But yeah, eventually you're going to have to say something to him about it.

And you may have to compromise a bit. Personally, I like the smell of my partner's body! I mean, I don't want her to be "ripe", but I'm not fond of squeaky-clean-straight-from-the-shower.
posted by browse at 11:40 AM on December 6, 2009

Just make it about you. "Sorry, but I'm really super-super-sensitive to even the faintest smells... No, I'm sure most girls wouldn't even notice..."
posted by TheophileEscargot at 12:19 PM on December 6, 2009 [3 favorites]

I would bring this up when you are having on of those normal, getting-to-know-you conversations that happen early on in relationships, and *not* when you're tearing each other's clothes off. I think there is a way to do this non-offensively:

"I used to have this boyfriend who *refused* to shower and, I swear, it grossed me out."

or

"Sometimes I think I'm neurotic, I can't relax in bed unless both people have completely showered, that's just how I am."

or even

"I *love* the smell of your soap/deodorant/shampoo/toothpaste -- it really turns me on. What brand is it?"

If these non-confrontational methods fail, then you can decide. A. He's not paying close enough attention to you and you dump him or B. You give him another chance and be more direct next time. "I'm really getting turned on right now, but remember how I told you at dinner last night I can't relax in bed unless both of us have recently showered? Well I took one just before I came over hoping things would lead to this..."
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:28 PM on December 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, you've only had sex once. Is it possible this is a one time deal with a simple explanation? Like maybe he was at the gym and locked his keys in the car and then was running too late for his date with you to shower?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:34 PM on December 6, 2009

Oh, I thought of another thing. You could insinuate that next time you'd like to do something *really* kinky but you insist that it begin with a thorough scrub down. Like it was said above, momentary embarrassment followed by HEY SEX.

I'm done with suggestions now, nothing like an internet stranger's sex life to distract one from productive work.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:46 PM on December 6, 2009

I'd probably just be a little blunt. Don't refer to his odor, just say that you are super sensitive to smells and that if he wants to get some, shower and brushing is mandatory. He'll probably get the picture or he won't get any.
posted by diode at 3:25 PM on December 6, 2009

For god's sake, just have an honest talk about it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:50 PM on December 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you don't like his smell, you probably don't really like him - or rather - you won't really like him once you get to know him.

I'm surprised no one else mentioned this, but preference for scent is coded into our DNA. And then some.

I once had a friend who swore he could "smell" trouble.

What about when you are considering a business proposition and you use the phrase, "It just doesn't smell right."??

These colloquialisms exist for a reason - humans actually do that.

If you object to someone's odor, it is probably incompatibility - not hygiene.

------------

Not to be gross, but I love my husband's sweaty smells, and vice versa. Ditto the breath. In our first year of marriage, especially, I was continually amazed by the phenomenon. I HAVE THE MOST SENSITIVE NOSE, EVER. If there should be proof of compatibility, I'm pretty sure the nose Knows.

-----------

Drop this guy when you see further correlation... your senses are telling you something. He's probably not for you on some level... you just haven't put the whole picture together, yet.


PS - don't force yourself to sleep with him again, choking back your disgust. This is an experience you do not want or need to repeat.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 10:57 PM on December 6, 2009 [3 favorites]

When foreplay happens, you excuse yourself to brush your teeth and quickly shower. He'll do the same. The next time, you can say "I showered earlier - you?"
posted by xammerboy at 7:25 AM on December 7, 2009

seconding jbenben, it sounds like bad chemistry to me. Sorry. I hope I'm wrong about that.
posted by ServSci at 9:26 AM on December 7, 2009

Yeah, this has happened to me. Sure, the person would smell (nearly) ok after a shower, but not in the morning, or after or during physical activity... like sex. Sometimes, the oder would turn me off completely and I'd have to work out some excuse to stop sexxing. I certainly never gave oral sex because of the smell.

Even though the relationship was good, it had to end. It sucked because obviously the other person didn't have that problem and was actually quite fond of me, and oder isn't something that can really be changed in a person so it feels a little unfair.

I was with one person who positively loved the way I smelled and would curl up and smell my armpit after sex.
posted by fuq at 9:45 AM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you object to someone's odor, it is probably incompatibility - not hygiene.

Metafilter: from body odor to DTMFA in three easy steps!
posted by _dario at 11:12 AM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

Seconding jbenben. You should like your SO's smell, even when s/he's a little musky.
posted by vilthuril at 1:55 PM on December 7, 2009

PercussivePaul writes "This might be embarrassing for him to hear from you, of course. Is there a mutual friend who could pass a message along?"

Think long on this one. I'd be mortified if I heard via a third party that a sexual partner found me smelly.
posted by Mitheral at 7:24 PM on December 7, 2009

I'm going to disagree strongly with the people who say you should like your SO's smell, even when they're really smelly.

I do like my SO's smell. I like his normal smell, and I like his sweaty smell... but I still don't enjoy significant bad breath or BO, and I think that's just a personal preference. I don't think it's indicative of any problems with our "chemistry". Some people like ripe body smells, other people have a lower tolerance on the amount of bacterial decomposition they can stand before they ask their partner to reach for a toothbrush or a bar of soap.

"Would you mind brushing your teeth? Bad breath is a real turn-off to me."

"Would you mind showering? It's so, so much easier for me to be turned on."

I think it's best to be direct. Don't beat around the bush, just say it. Because if this is a dealbreaker for you, you need to get it out in the open right at the start, and give him a chance to please you. He may not be as sensitive to smells as you are, so you need to let him know it matters to you before you can pass any judgement on whether you will be a good fit for each other.
posted by eleyna at 9:52 PM on December 8, 2009

> a little affirmative action

...which of course should have been: positive reinforcement. Gah.
posted by _dario at 2:56 PM on December 9, 2009