Help me roast a friend.
December 3, 2009 8:45 PM   Subscribe

I am roasting a friend for his birthday in a couple of weeks and I need some one liners and zingers.

I know that there are a lot of one liner websites out there but I wanted actual human input. My friend is turning 30 in a few weeks and I'm wondering if any of you have any one liners, zingers, or insults on the following subjects:

1. Turning 30
2. Being bald
3. Unemployed
4. Being in a long relationship and unable to commit to marriage.

Feel free to add any general insults that could tickle a drunk audience.

I have some very specific things I'm going to joke about in regards to my relationship with him and his personality but need some comedy to fill in the gaps. Your comedic genius is greatly appreciated!
posted by ieatwords to Human Relations (15 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'd recommend some one liners, zingers, or insults on some less serious subjects than those you mentioned.
posted by espire at 8:49 PM on December 3, 2009

Response by poster: I agree, the subject matter could be a little sensitive but the roastee is a good sport and has very tough skin. He will deal more insults to me than I can imagine when he roasts me.
posted by ieatwords at 8:52 PM on December 3, 2009

A girl walked up to recently and asked him for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
posted by shimmerbug at 9:14 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

Hmmm, my markup skills are not good, it's meant to say friend's name between 'to' and 'recently'. Way to spoil my fave one-liner of the last year...
posted by shimmerbug at 9:16 PM on December 3, 2009

Hey , I think you should look for a job in porn because with that haircut you look like a dickhead.
posted by tylerfulltilt at 9:23 PM on December 3, 2009

Maybe a variation of what Woody Allen said about becoming famous - that he started failing with a better class of woman.
posted by shimmerbug at 9:32 PM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Last month, Friday evening, Jim gets off work and decides to go to Vegas on the spur of the moment. So he does. Road trip! He's gone! Doesn't even go home to pack. Finally, Sunday evening, he comes home, and Angela is there waiting for him, at his place. She's livid, pure rage.
"Where the hell have you been for the last 3 days?"
"I went to Vegas. Sorry I didn't call, I didn't even bring my cellphone charger."
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?"
Jim's feeling a little cocky and says, "Sure, that's OK with me."
Monday comes, and sure enough, he doesn't see Angela at all. Tuesday, still doesn't see her. Wednesday, same thing.
Finally, Thursday morning, the swelling goes down just enough that he can see her a little bit out of his left eye.
posted by planetkyoto at 9:37 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

Blah blah, can't commit to marriage. Might want to rethink your position on the matter before she realizes she's not ready to commit to old, bald, and broke.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:07 PM on December 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

After you're done with all the jokes you'll no doubt be getting from other people, you can introduce the birthday boy by saying:

"Here's a man who needs no introduction"

then sit down quickly, without introducing him.
posted by motown missile at 11:40 PM on December 3, 2009

1. Turning 30
2. Being bald
3. Unemployed
4. Being in a long relationship and unable to commit to marriage.

Hmm, given constraints numbers 1 through 4:

"It's really very moving to be here today to celebrate the fact that one third of [friend]'s life is over. The best third. But of course, you have it good... there are a lot of people who, when confronted with that fact, would tear their hair out. And obviously, you're not one of those people. No, no, not just that those people aren't bald, they're just probably at work right now. Things could of course be a lot worse, you could be suffering through all of this alone. Instead, you have chosen to share all of your suffering with the wonderful [girlfriend's name]. Seeing how patient she's been in staying with you reminds me of a line first uttered by the great American philosopher Beyonce who said 'If you like it then you should have put a ring on it'. [Do a little bit of the "Single Ladies" dance.] But seriously! [Friend name], we wouldn't be so willing to give you a hard time if we didn't really love you, so happy birthday. And seriously, get a job."

Or something like that. key thing is, hit the points lightly, don't dwell on "you have this bad trait!" because you actually will hurt people, but instead have the source of the humor be people in the audience figuring out you're referencing a trait of his ("You're not one of those people.") Praising the girlfriend is always good, if you really want to go dark, you can use a similarity he has with someone else as a passing shot. ("It's a good thing [other friend] is here, so that we can't make jokes about you being the cheapest guy in the room.") If you need to fill out more time, just pad with the usual stupidity — building up to an unexpectedly vulgar "your mom" joke can be great for that. You could do it as part of the final stinger, as there's an expected structure of "yes, I said all these terrible things, but in closing, here's a sincere nice thing." If you do it right, you can say a whole bunch of nice things about him but then reverse it as a "yo mama" joke and close pretty strongly. Something like:

"But seriously, I want to close on a sincere note. It really says something about you that you can attract a room full of people of all different walks of life who are willing to come together for one night in a room with a lot of alcohol to say demeaning things about you. It says that you're just like your mom."

Thank you, goodnight!
posted by anildash at 12:39 AM on December 4, 2009 [14 favorites]

Some one liners (replace "He" with his name if you like):
  • He first realized he was going bald when he noticed it was taking longer to wash his face.
  • He's been bald so long that he's cut holes in his pockets so he can still run his fingers through his hair.
  • He was telling me the other day he's had sex with most of the people he works with for a while now - It's just a shame he's unemployed.
  • Whenever he tries to tell jokes in public, people say: "What.. are you a fucking comedian now?" Nope, he's still unemployed.

posted by wackybrit at 4:38 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe you can work in a variation on the Harry Hill line: "I first realised I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer to wash my face".
posted by tomcooke at 4:48 AM on December 4, 2009

"Progressive. Forward-thinking. Visionary. These are all words that our guest tonight uses incorrectly."
posted by jbickers at 5:50 AM on December 4, 2009 [8 favorites]

Finally, Thursday morning, the swelling goes down just enough that he can see her a little bit out of his left eye.

Oh, she hit him?
posted by chrillsicka at 6:06 AM on December 4, 2009

Seconding the first comment, I would make extra sure he definitely won't be offended by cracks about #2-4, especially #3. Presumably you know him well enough to be sure of this.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:27 AM on December 4, 2009

« Older Learning from Shackleton: How to Prepare for...   |   Why isn't there more theft at airport baggage... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.