What can today's fat man do for tomorrow's fit man?
November 23, 2009 3:59 PM   Subscribe

Is it possible to ask someone out several months in advance? I've met someone great, but I've met them too soon!

Timing is everything, and I've managed to meet someone fantastic several months prematurely. She's kind and curious and beautiful and there's some attraction and chemistry between us that I'm botching because I like her so much that I'm a complete nervous wreck. And the thing that's making me nervous, the thing that prevents me from just making a move and asking her out properly has an expiration date.

My anxiety-from-attraction problem is actually a weight problem, in that I'm just fat enough to not really be a genuinely viable dating option, and I'm so revolted by the current state of my body that, even if a woman is honestly telling me that I turn her on, I'm incapable of believing her. The solution, obviously, is to lose the weight and I've been working on it long enough to have my fatness on the run, to have it contained to a few final key areas. In about a year - perhaps as soon as midsummer, even - I should be down to my goal weight.

If I had a time machine, I'd fix so it so that I hadn't met this girl until then. Because while I love spending time with her, while there's always this gentle flirty undercurrent to our interactions, while there's reason upon reason to believe that she and I would be a good match, I'm just not ready to make a move. When we hang out, the embraces and little touches and lingering looks she gives me, which should be a thrill, make me tense instead because those are all excellent ways for her to gather more evidence of my flabbiness. I feel so strongly about this girl that I don't want to expose her to my anxiety-tainted affections and I don't want to make her contemplate embracing the flabby mess that I am today. I've got to lose the last of my fatness to be the kind of guy she deserves.

But midsummer or next year is a long way off, and having this secret is really messing me up around her. Just yesterday she was lobbing all these softballs and asking one leading question after another and I botched the whole interaction. The conflict between my attraction to her and the strength of this mental block I've got going leave me a nervous, stammering mess in her presence. I feel like I gotta get this off my chest or make some kind of move or something soon, but not with this body. But the time it'll take to escape this body is plenty of time for my awkwardness to torpedo this relationship or for her to meet someone else and get serious with him.

How should I navigate this situation? Is there any way to tell someone that you're dying to ask them out but can't do it until you've got your weight problem handled? Would it just be the weirdest thing in the world to tell someone that you like them so much you can hardly stand it, but you're not going to act on it for months? Is there any way to make her not think of dating me, but me minus this last fifty pounds? Would it be creepy or flattering to find out that taking you out was the goal driving a friend's last push to get into shape? I'm so glad we met, but now is the worst time! What should I do?

(in case it's needed for any reason, ensignaleksandr@gmail.com is my throwaway gmail for this question)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (54 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
Umm, so this girl seems to be into you as YOU now not as the maybe-you that you'd like to be in 12 months time. She knows you, she sees you, she likes what you are now. The fun, flirty interaction that you're having, you're having as the guy with the body you have. She likes you the way you are.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 4:07 PM on November 23, 2009 [21 favorites]

most anything could happen within that time frame, and if she's really so special, then this is arguably a rather superficial reason to risk whatever it is you might share. imagine how you'll feel when you ask her out several months from now and she tells you that she's met someone or is moving somewhere. oh how you'll wish you had asked earlier.

i really understand where you're coming from, but if you ask me, barring extreme obesity, a significant part of being truly resolute about losing your weight should be the ability to not let it affect your life now. that can be scary at times, but such is life. whenever the time feels right, go for it.
posted by austere at 4:11 PM on November 23, 2009

There's a great tweet from that Shitmydadsays guy that keeps getting bandied about in these threads, and I think it's always on target. The gist: let the girl figure out why she doesn't want to go out with you; you don't need to do it for her. Maybe she likes big guys--who knows. I wouldn't get hung up over this.

You can't get people you're not dating to wait for you. They will find someone infuriatingly worse for them than you in the interim and you'll curse yourself forever. There is only now.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:12 PM on November 23, 2009 [21 favorites]

echoing otherworldlyglow- while I can't think of a tactful way to put off dating someone for six months to a year, I can see a new relationship being a productive and healthy way to deal with body issues.

It's GREAT that you're trying to become a healthier person, but when you say that:

The solution, obviously, is to lose the weight

I can't help but think that you're ignoring the second option, which is to become comfortable with how you are right now. (Forgive me for sounding overbearing or cliche, but coming to terms with your body will be an issue until you resolve it psychologically. No ideal weight will have you all of sudden happy with how you look.)
posted by farishta at 4:13 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]

If you're going to lose weight, do it for yourself and not because some woman might or might not reciprocate your advances afterward.

Would it be creepy or flattering to find out that taking you out was the goal driving a friend's last push to get into shape?

It's sort of creepy and gives off vibes of dependency.

It will also save you some anxiety, heck, LOTS of anxiety if you just ask her out now.
posted by cmgonzalez at 4:14 PM on November 23, 2009

Based on what you've described, she likes you. Would probably go out with you if you asked. Might actually be offended if you said, "Sorry, but we can't go out until I like the way I look, regardless of what you think of me." So, if you feel that strongly about her, just take her out! It doesn't have to be that physical right now. Then you can tell her how you feel about your body issues and see where it goes. Who knows? What if she says, "That's okay!" and you realize, now that it's a reality, that it really is okay? What if she's willing to be there for you while you get through this? Give her a chance.

On the other hand, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. And if you're serious about not dating her until you are, then I don't think you should even bring it up. You can't put people on layaway.
posted by katillathehun at 4:14 PM on November 23, 2009

I feel like I gotta get this off my chest or make some kind of move or something soon, but not with this body

It's the body you were born in, it's the body you're going to die in. You don't get the option of asking her out with someone else's body. She'll either like you with it or not at all, and if you're doing the touchy-looky thing, it sounds like she's into you.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:15 PM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]

Guess what? You're still going to be you even when you lose weight. Before I lost 100lbs, I thought everything would just be easy when I was lighter. It's not. Trite, sure, but seize the moment because there are only so many and waiting is just ridiculous.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 4:16 PM on November 23, 2009 [9 favorites]

Sounds to me like you've met the girl at exactly the right time. You have some serious body issues, and they're not going to resolve themselves the instant you get down to your goal weight. In addition to slimming down you need to work on being comfortable in your own skin, and here's this great fabulous woman who's really into you right now, the way you are! I'm not saying you should find complete self-validation through a relationship, but this may be a great time to start changing the way you think about yourself.
posted by lilac girl at 4:20 PM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]

My husband is pretty overweight. I think he is the most gorgeous hunk of guy on the planet. I worry about his health, but never about his attractiveness. If she's flirting, she likes you -- ask the woman out and tell her how determined you are to lose the weight. Maybe you can do workout dates, or visit healthy restaurants together, or devise eating strategies together. Caring about someone usually means getting involved in what is important to them . . . I guess I'd caution against going the other way and locking her out from what is clearly a vital plan of yours.
posted by bearwife at 4:21 PM on November 23, 2009 [8 favorites]

Please don't do this. Don't put off being happy now in favor of some mythical future when you will be more perfect. It's a total setup for self-sabotage.

Fat or thin, YOU DESERVE LOVE.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:23 PM on November 23, 2009 [22 favorites]

the embraces and little touches and lingering looks she gives me

She likes you now. Ask her out now. For fucking fuck's fucking sake.
posted by bricoleur at 4:25 PM on November 23, 2009 [21 favorites]

I'm just a stranger on the internet. But... I think if this girl is into you, she's into you as you are. Let her decide whether you are right for her or not. I'm sorry if this response is kind of flip; you sound very nervous about this whole situation and saying 'don't worry about it already!' must not sound like the most helpful advice. But really, if she sees you as a 'genuinely viable dating option' then I would believe her. You're making the assumption that your weight is as big a deal for her as it is for you, which just might not be true. Anxieties do not always tell the truth about the world.

I feel so strongly about this girl that I don't want to expose her to my anxiety-tainted affections and I don't want to make her contemplate embracing the flabby mess that I am today. I've got to lose the last of my fatness to be the kind of guy she deserves.

This girl is presumably already aware of your weight, and doesn't seem to find it a problem. It sounds a little like the problem in this situation is not your weight, but your lack of confidence, which you're channeling into worries about your weight.

This may be way off-base (and I should precede everything by saying 'I am a relationship doofus!' just as a warning) but I have had the feeling when I meet someone I'm interested in that I am just not good enough and I really should avoid even making a move before I have... I don't know, learned to cook properly, or sorted out my social life, or figured out how to keep my home clean, or decided what my near and long term goals for the next ten years are, or some other arbitrary goal. And then I will think 'if only!' and back away from something which makes me afraid. I have begun to suspect that this is because capital-R relationships are sort of a leap of faith, because asking someone out is taking a risk, and there's the possibility things won't work out.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 4:40 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

I always seem to want to be thinner than my girlfriends want me to be. Question your assumptions.

Nthing the "don't be stupid, ask her out now" messages above.
posted by rokusan at 4:45 PM on November 23, 2009

I'm a pretty big guy. And I have always had a hard time believing that the women I find attractive, could find me attractive.

Take it from a fellow "today's fat man". If she's doing the things you say, she likes you and she likes you now, and you need to tell her that her feelings are reciprocated.

Now, it is clearly a good thing that you are committed to losing weight (and you have my sincerest congratulations on your success in that area - I know how tough it is.)
But do not, do not let your desire to be "perfect" for her at some future point ruin or cloud the fact that she likes you now.

Will she like you more when you are thinner? Who knows? You can (and probably should) discuss that with her, but right now you need to let her know that you are interested, since (from what you've told us) she is sending you clear signals that she likes you now.

Don't let her get away - please, trust me on this one.
posted by namewithoutwords at 4:51 PM on November 23, 2009

I am pretty significantly overweight. If I waited until I had the body I really want before making a move, I would be a 41-year-old virgin.

Yeah, don't be a doofus.
posted by kindall at 4:51 PM on November 23, 2009

If you wait, you are going to miss your chance. Getting thinner isn't going to fix everything negative you feel and think about yourself either. Enjoy on the opportunity you are being presented with this girl, and if you need to fix the way you feel about yourself, consider therapy now.

Keep up all the hard work you've been doing! But don't let all the hard work you've done so far go to waste. It's paying off now. Go for it with the girl.
posted by juliplease at 5:00 PM on November 23, 2009

Do whatever you want to do that you feel is making you healthier and happier.

But many, many people find fat people more attractive than thin people, so don't assume that your being thinner will necessarily make you more attractive in her eyes.

Asking someone out for "later, when I lose weight" is a complete chump move, because it implies that she's an idiot for being attracted to you now, as opposed to some hypothetical you.

I've got to lose the last of my fatness to be the kind of guy she deserves.

Hey, guess who gets to decide who is and isn't "the kind of guy she deserves?" HER.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:00 PM on November 23, 2009

The Fantasy of Being Thin. Your attitude is probably about more than just your weight. And love, attraction, and happiness don't have a weight limit.
posted by kimdog at 5:06 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]

how about just getting to know her and be friends? if you're doing it right, you'll start dropping pounds pretty fast and feeling much better. it would be nice to get to know her better i the interim, plus take the pressure of dating off. once you're comfortable with yourself (have lost some weight) you guys will have already built a basis for taking it to the next level. congrats on losing the weight and finding the girl. its all falling into place. just stop overthinking it.
posted by dmbfan93 at 5:10 PM on November 23, 2009

You seem to think she hasn't noticed you're overweight and that the guys she's seeing and actually attracted to is Future You.

It's not. It's Present You.

Seriously, she is not going to recoil in horror because you have flab, stretch marks, manboobs or all three. I dated someone in college who was, at around 210, afraid to let me see him naked. It never occured to me this was about his weight; I thought he was just hung up about sex or something.

We finally did the deed and when it was over, I hustled him into hopping in the shower with me without really thinking about it. He'd never just been naked with anyone and seventeen years later he'll tell you that shower changed his life - he had never considered that someone could be welcoming and satisfied with the way he looked.

In other words: his issues were totally not issues for me. Your issues are not automatically her issues. She clearly likes you so get on with it already. Life is for now.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:11 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

What happens after you loose the weight? What defect will you then concoct to make sure you're never rejected by the object of your affections? Your career? That nasty lactose allergy?

Here's the thing about relationships; you don't have to wait to have them until every anxiety, every flaw, every neurotic tick is tucked away nicely in the sock drawer. You just have them. One of the joys of being human is that we get to be flawed and loved - despite what mean parents or lame media might tell us. If we all waited until we'd met some tyrannical bar of perfection before jumping in the sack with someone, the human race would have died out long ago.

So for God's Sake Man. Just go for it already. The girl has eyes. If she's hugged you she knows the general layout of that offending flab. You've been a nervous wreck, and still she digs you. How bloody cool is that? If she thinks you're a viable dating option, who the hell are you to argue with her?

Take the leap. We're pulling for you.

In a few weeks time, post a question about what you should get your awesome girlfriend for Christmas.
posted by space_cookie at 5:12 PM on November 23, 2009 [12 favorites]

go for it. don't wait. be her awesome boyfriend *now*.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:13 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

There is no such thing as "too fat to go out with." And if you try to serve that up as an excuse, you're going to blow it, for all the reasons people have shared above.

Go for it. Go for it. Go for it. Life is too short.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:13 PM on November 23, 2009

Before I lost 100lbs, I thought everything would just be easy when I was lighter. It's not.

This is true for me too, with a different number. It's easy to say that suchandsuch insurmountable problem is the reason for your desires not being fulfilled but really I think for most people they're a little okay and a little broken and neither of those things is going to create or solve all of your other problems without some positive intentions and some action. I finally decided I was tired of waiting for my life to start and lost weight specifically to see if I was right about the weight being the problem. It turns out -- haha! -- that I have other non-weight things that can get in my way. But at least I'm not blaming the weight anymore [now I blame my haircut....].

So if you're still feeling fidgety and weird about yourself at your weight, you can mention it [a in mention it "Hey I'm in the middle of a fitness/weight loss thing, just so you know if I'm being awkward or looking in the mirror a lot, I'm getting used to how I look and figuring out how I want to look..." or whatever] and then sort of shut up about it. She seems to like you, lots of people like big guys [I wouldn't trade my otherwise medium-sized boyfriend's round belly for ANYTHING] and whatever. Having someone thinking you're hot and sexy is a great boost and good motivation to keep doing whatever work on yourself you want to. You are fine, you deserve love at any size. Go, and good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 5:19 PM on November 23, 2009 [8 favorites]

Just do it now. It's obvious that she likes you, so go for it and lose the weight anyway, while having a lovely girlfriend during the process.

A year ago I told myself I'd pursue the object of my affection after I lost 100lbs. And I've lost the weight but I still haven't said anything to him. Don't be like me!
posted by elsietheeel at 5:31 PM on November 23, 2009

You could go out with her, but don't get "physical" until you're ready. You'll probably have to explain all this to her at some point, though.
posted by amtho at 5:33 PM on November 23, 2009

Asking someone out for "later, when I lose weight" is a complete chump move, because it implies that she's an idiot for being attracted to you now, as opposed to some hypothetical you.

It also implies that someone 50 lbs overweight is hideously unattractive and unworthy. And that person is you, today, but it could be her 20 years from now, or it could be you again in middle age or later life after a bout with thinness.

Losing weight is great, but I think it'd be even more productive to lose the idea that fat = repulsive and unlovable.
posted by drlith at 5:42 PM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]

It's terrifying to think that you could ask this girl out, in your present form, and be rejected. So ask her to have coffee, or to join you, since you're headed to a quick bite at the burrito stand. Tell her you're going to the record store after work to get something for your Dad, and would she like to help you pick out the twangiest Country & Western cd in the joint? Be with her, be friends, and see what happens.

Congratulations on your progress, and good luck with the girl.
posted by theora55 at 5:44 PM on November 23, 2009

Who are you to tell her who she should or shouldn't date? Is she not an adult woman with agency who can make her own decisions?

Let HER decide if she wants you (which I think she probably does), don't you DARE decide FOR her. Not your job, bucko.
posted by tristeza at 5:51 PM on November 23, 2009

you deserve love at any size

What Jessamyn said bears repeating. You might want to repeat it a few times, too.
posted by pinky at 6:11 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Man ... ask her out NOW. It's obvious she's digging on ya!
posted by jrchaplin at 6:14 PM on November 23, 2009

This is so sad. What would you say to her if she was thinking or saying the same thing? What would you want her to do? Do that.
posted by crabintheocean at 6:33 PM on November 23, 2009

Fat people get laid too. Frequently, even.

She likes you now as you are, not because you are hot and skinny. Believe me, all girls want a guy who will love them at any weight, and shouldn't it go the other way around too?
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Go ahead and date her now if she seems interested. If you want to have something special to look forward to to celebrate achieving your goal weight, start saving up to take her on a romantic trip then or something.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:47 PM on November 23, 2009

I would say also: don't apologize about your weight, tell her you are planning on losing it, etc. Don't even mention it. I know that might be hard.

I tend to be pretty weight conscious with women I'm interested in, but did have a thing for a girl who was quite overweight for a while...kind of obese. The thing I really loved about her is that she never, ever mentioned her weight, and she was generally a really happy person. Also she had a particularly beautiful face. But anyway...I think the thing with weight is that it's the person's attitude towards the weight that can be more of a problem than the weight itself. No one wants to be part of a pity party, or at least, dating into a pitty party. So if you can act like you are an acceptable person, that's going to be huge for her.

Very tired writing this, might not make much sense.
posted by sully75 at 8:40 PM on November 23, 2009

This question made me cry, really. I'm a skinny woman and the man I loved the most in my life was not skinny. I loved him exactly as he was. He would ramble on about losing weight and working out and I just didn't care. Please don't deny yourself this relationship because you don't conform to some idealized weight. From what you've described, she likes you in your present state.

As crabintheocean says above, what if this woman told you she couldn't date you because she didn't like her own weight? Doesn't the thought of that crush you?

I think sometimes the menfolk don't realize that not all of us ladies are looking for guys that look like they belong on magazine covers. Please try to understand that she may find you attractive just as you are.

Go get her. Now. Not next summer. Not fifty pounds from now. Go get her now.
posted by December at 9:09 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Survey says, live your life now!

She may not be there a year from now. Keep doing what you're doing on losing the weight and be happy with yourself that you have this awesome romantic prospect. Don't squander the opportunity! Live for today!
posted by amanda at 10:00 PM on November 23, 2009

Start slow. Get comfortable. Be a gentleman, but not too much of a gentleman. Find some confidence. Do not mention your weight or body image issues. There is a consensus here, and it is that you need to go for it now. Love does not wait.

Your question says that you have your "fatness on the run." That means you have made progress. Find confidence in that. Believe it. Every meal you eat healthily, every time you skip soda for water, every session of exercise is something to take some confidence from.

You may want to consider seeing a therapist about your body image issues. Keep it to yourself, but you might need some outside help to get you believing in yourself. Schedule the session, but don't use waiting for your session as an excuse to delay asking her out. She likes you now, as is. The girl seems to like you for you, and you have to run with it.

In the meantime, those softballs don't get lobbed forever. Summon a little casual and smooth self confidence, and ask her out to dinner already.

Anecdote: I have had similar feelings about my body before, and a similar desire to wait to get into dating or a particular girl until I could drop that last 10 pounds. I don't think I look my best, I'm average in the face, there are fit men who would scoff at my chub, and there are fat men who would do anything to have my mediocre physique. Doesn't mean much either way. I was at a bar this time last year, in this exact physical shape, and a gorgeous model followed me out of the bar to ask ME out. I seized the moment, took her out, and she told me that she noticed me because I was well put together and had great self-confidence, and she just HAD to talk to me.

So bottom line, whether you can summon it yourself, or you need a little help in working on your body-image issues, you must learn to believe in yourself today. You only live once, whether it works out or not, don't pass up an opportunity like this.
posted by BillBishop at 10:40 PM on November 23, 2009

Just ask her out already.

If she says "gosh, that's flattering and all, but I can't imagine dating you unless you were exactly 33 pounds lighter," then you have the perfect excuse to go away for a year and finish your weight loss.

Hint: she probably isn't going to say that.
posted by mmoncur at 2:45 AM on November 24, 2009

Coming from a slightly different perspective, I would be very hesitant to date a guy who wanted to wait until he was significantly thinner to ask me out. This is because you are not just hiding your "fat-self" from her, but you are denying her love and affection and an awesome partner until you hit some arbitrary goal. This is much more worrying to me than a physically imperfection, especially one she already knows about and has shown she can look past in flirting. I would worry this attitude would carry over to other things - would you cancel dinner because you haven't perfected your presentation at work? Can you not go to her parents house until you make at least 100,000 dollars a year? You're doing her a favor by putting her above you your own need to be thin.
posted by fermezporte at 4:25 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

Good on you for wanting to get healthy.

But to take mmoncur's thought a little further:

If she says "gosh, that's flattering and all, but I can't imagine dating you unless you were exactly 33 pounds lighter," then you have the perfect excuse to go away and find someone who's into you regardless of your size. Wouldn't you rather know that she likes you for you, rather than for your perfect waistline?

Hint: she probably isn't going to say that.
posted by Emilyisnow at 4:53 AM on November 24, 2009

I relate, but the other way around. I lamented for years that I was too skinny to attract the mens. I did address the weight problem, like you are doing, but I still worry about weight, even though I'm pretty much normal size. Don't think that actually/really changing your weight, will change everything else about your make up. Learning to love yourself is the harder task I have found.

And, extra thought: I have a theory that when we are attracted to each other in a loving type thang, we kinda morph into fuzzy, blurry love entities to each other, and the physical flaws are not remotely the focus. Plus, I like my man to have a few flaws, so I get to relax a bit about mine.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:38 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

She likes you now. Ask her out now. For fucking fuck's fucking sake.

This says it all.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:53 AM on November 24, 2009

I'm just fat enough to not really be a genuinely viable dating option, and I'm so revolted by the current state of my body that, even if a woman is honestly telling me that I turn her on, I'm incapable of believing her

The first half of that is bollocks; the second is your real stumbling block that could be a deal breaker for her.

I mean, what does it even MEAN to be "just fat enough to not really be a genuinely viable dating option"?? What number are you pegging it at? Are you aware that there are women who don't care about whether a guy is heavy....and other women who may even prefer that as their "type"?

I dated a guy who was probably 25 pounds overweight, and the weight was never an issue for me (even though I'm very not-overweight)--but his insecurity about it (and need for constant reassurance, and calling himself "fat" all the time like the worst stereotype of an eating-disordered teenager, etc.) was decidedly unattractive.

If she's sending you attraction signals, go for it. Tell yourself you're already a Viking--and you're taking care of your health and losing weight.
posted by availablelight at 6:01 AM on November 24, 2009

Chiming in rather late... My boyfriend was (and still is) at a perfectly reasonable weight for his height when we first started dating. He told me that he used to be significantly heavier, and I've seen pictures to prove it.

He was (is?) still self-conscious about his weight even after he's lost it. I remember the conversation going somewhere along the lines of my saying something nice about him, him refuting it, me sitting back up and gaping at him (we had previously been cuddling) and going "What the hell are you talking about? You're beautiful!" There was a pause, and he admitted that he's never quite lost the self-consciousness along with the weight.

Losing weight is not a magic bullet. By all means, lose the weight for your health and if it makes you feel good about yourself. Lose it for you and no one else. But everyone has baggage, and if right now it's your issues with your weight that's keeping you from this girl, maybe six months down the line there's gonna be another issue, and another...

The girl seems interested in you now. Bollocks to the weight. And frankly, as has been said before... if a guy I was into tells me he likes be but can't date me because of his weight, and oh, would I mind waiting a year... I'd be insulted that he thinks I can't make my own choices, and whatever liking I had for the guy would dim considerably.

Good luck, either way.
posted by Hakaisha at 6:41 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]

Carpe diem. If you don't she could very well wind up with someone else because you didn't take the opportunity when it presented itself.
posted by Daddy-O at 7:21 AM on November 24, 2009

Ask her out. Lots of girls like guys with meat on them. Makes 'em feel cute and little and dainty or whatever. Not that I'm part of that crowd. Nooooooosiree.

So yeah. Seize the day and all that.
posted by lorrer at 8:18 AM on November 24, 2009

N'thing everyone's above comments about improving your body image.

On a practical note, if you really don't want her to touch your body while you're losing weight, just tell her you want to take the physical side of things slowly. That request is completely reasonable.

Then, you can take your time adjusting to the idea of someone finding you desirable... but you should always be trying to move in that direction, which means no more negative self-talk.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:12 AM on November 24, 2009

I'm just going to add on to the happy pile-on here and say that personally, a guy's weight and general appearance has never been that big a factor in whether I find him attractive. I've had crushes on guys that were fat or not conventionally attractive. Seriously. If this girl is flirting with you right now, it's obviously not an issue for her. You found her at exactly the right time.
posted by Nattie at 12:57 PM on November 24, 2009

Dude, you are so disrespecting this woman's taste in men.......

She really digs you from your description. And you have a completely unrealistic body image. Even when you lose the weight you will still not be perfect. You'll get worked up about the loose skin, saggy bits, strecth marks, whatever... and leave this gorgous babe wondering what the fuck is wrong with her that she can't get you to take this up a notch.

It is really hard for many women to give such strong signals they find a man attractive and get nowhere. Right now, you are rejecting this beautiful woman and making her feel unattractive.

Is that REALLY the message you want this woman to get???

posted by Wilder at 9:51 AM on November 25, 2009

What a disappointing and unhelpful thread. ghmm, probably too late...

Want to change the way your body looks? No problem, don't let anyone convince you that you look bad, or good. Do what you want to do and shed some pounds and get in better shape! yay! I dropped a few extra pounds earlier this year and I feel awesome about it. I know I looked fine when I was chunky, but like everyone says in this thread, it doesn't matter what people think about your body. One good way to change your body image is to teach yourself that you can change your body. You will feel more 'in' your body. Even if this girl doesn't want to get with you, you'll want to get with yourself, and that is the best!

Here are some real actions you can take:

Start off with prison-style exercises before you go to sleep. Do push-ups until your arms are rubbery and then roll over and do the yoga pose "Navasana." It is a sitting pose. Balance on your sit-bones, raise your legs halfway in to your chest and extend your arms out straight and lift your lower back up and in. Basically, your body is making a V. Your legs below the knee can be parallel to the ground, but you should work toward making that V. This will work your stomach, where probably most of your chunk is, and the push-ups will deal with those man-boobs. From here you can drop your back to the floor (or bed!) and rotate your raised legs to your right and left for a very relaxing end-of-the-day twist.

During the day, look for ways to burn calories, stairs, bike, lifting heavy things. Obviously, smart eating choices are important, but so it burning calories (in a healthy way). Jogging is ok, but biking if possible is a great way to exercise and you can get to work, school, home, grocery, where ever while you do it. Buy some weights for your home (nothing serious. I use gallon jugs of water myself. Cinderblocks with a bandanna tied through them are also good) and lift them when your hands are free and nothing is going on.

Practice good posture. Stand up straight and push your shoulders back and down. Your shoulder-blades should be on your back. Don't relax your stomach muscles until you do your nightly stretches, consciously pull your stomach up and in, not a silly or conspicuous amount, but enough to pull your stomach fat up and on to you, rather than letting it hang off of you. Do this when you are sitting and don't lean back on the back of the chair.

Learn to love physical activity. It releases tasty chemicals in your brain and doing something about your body will improve your body image even if the actual effects to your body are negligent. The results aren't as important as how you feel when you take steps to solve your body problem.

Of course you have to get with this girl right fucking now. Vigorous sex is the ideal way to burn calories.
posted by fuq at 9:08 AM on November 29, 2009

follow-up from the OP
"Hi everyone. I'd like to thank you all for the advice and the much-needed clue-by-fouring that you provided me in this thread. I was indeed acting like a great fool and a great coward. Tonight, I reread your comments, looked at a selection of Courage Wolves (seriously) and finally decided to be a man and call her up.

We're stepping out for drinks this Friday. Nothing major, but I'm excited anyway. Thanks again, everyone. Sometimes it's a drag when the question that's asked is not the question that's answered, but in this case you told me what I actually needed to hear."
posted by jessamyn at 8:18 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]

Good for you, OP! Best of luck.
posted by mmoncur at 2:24 AM on December 8, 2009

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