give me a sign! women and their ways to show they like you
November 23, 2009 10:29 AM   Subscribe

i'm absolutely smitten by this girl. i find myself constantly thinking about her. but what are the signs of that she may an interest back?

i've not been this attracted to someone since my last relationship. it's been almost a year since that break-up ... and lots has past. then along came this girl. we're members of the same church group but i actually met her at a church conference this past september. it was very civil, but it was an instance during a group dinner that drew me to her. we were discussing eyelashes (haha) and she added at the time that she thought hers were too short ... at that point i said, "hmmm, let me see ..." and she drew quite close to me while i 'examined' her eyes. what an ethereal experience! something so non-chalant, so inexpressive and simple just took my breathe away ... however I am not so certain she received the same type of experience.

since then it has been a series of playful conversations via mostly email and text, with select few phone convos ... i think she's making me jump hoops for her time and attention. and thru the method and nuances of my messages and the way I 'randomly' contact her, it must be obvious to her that I am attracted to her ... or is she? i need some thing concrete. I'm trying to be persistent but at the same not come out so needy. women, i need your insights. i really like this one.
posted by sniperantics to Human Relations (25 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Just ask her out. 'No' is the worst thing she can say and either way you will escape from this is she/isn't she purgatory.

Getting a no means you can move on, if that happens.
posted by unixrat at 10:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


it must be obvious to her that I am attracted to her ... or is she? i need some thing concrete.

"You've been on my mind quite a bit lately. Would you like to go out on a date?"
posted by ColdChef at 10:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


You can settle this question in one phone call.

"Hey, Betty. Do you want to go on a date this weekend?"
posted by rokusan at 10:32 AM on November 23, 2009


Ask her out. You can have playful/flirty conversations forever, but if it were me and you didn't get around to asking me out, I'd think you weren't interested.
posted by cabingirl at 10:34 AM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


i think she's making me jump hoops for her time and attention.

If she really liked you, she wouldn't do this. However, you should still ask her out - what have you got to lose?
posted by amro at 10:36 AM on November 23, 2009


Update/addendum: I did ask her to lunch last week, but due to conflicting schedules during work hours, I've escalated that to a dinner at the of the week.

Ask her out. You can have playful/flirty conversations forever, but if it were me and you didn't get around to asking me out, I'd think you weren't interested.

We're also meeting this Friday for the christmas tree lighting in downtown Toronto ... i've suggested we go as a group - which she told me she'd being bringing some her female friends ... methinks this is some sort of validation/emotional support on her part ... which i'm fine with ...
posted by sniperantics at 10:44 AM on November 23, 2009


What type of church conference? I don't mean to stereotype, but she may simply be waiting for you (the man) to make the first move. If there's any traditional/conservative streak in this woman's personal faith, I'd guess she doesn't ask men out.

When I was a church-goer (admittedly, this was high school), I used to watch this same thing play out over and over again--girls flirting but waiting for the guy to make a move, guys flirting but not taking the risk of asking a girl out, everyone wondering why they were still single.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:51 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


One other thing--when I got to college, I saw that people outside of my childhood conservative religious bubble got around the awkwardness of the "two people each waiting for the other to make a move" thing by going to parties, drinking, and letting their lowered inhibitions do the work. If that's not an option for you, tell her you're interested in her and ask her out on a date.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:57 AM on November 23, 2009


Next time you ask her out, tell her you'd like it to be one on one. This is how her AskMe might read:

There's this guy I've been flirting with. I'm not sure if he likes me, becuase he asked me to go to a Christmas tree lighting downtown, but said it's a group activity. I'm bringing some of my girlfriends because I'm not sure if he wants to spend time with just me. How do I tell if he likes me?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:00 AM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]


"You've been on my mind quite a bit lately. Would you like to go out on a date?"

Actually not a bad line at all. don't rehearse it too much.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:12 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


i've suggested we go as a group - which she told me she'd being bringing some her female friends ... methinks this is some sort of validation/emotional support on her part .

It sounds to me that it's because you made it a group activity. She really had no choice but to bring some friends, otherwise it would be you and some other dudes.
posted by crapmatic at 11:14 AM on November 23, 2009


i've suggested we go as a group - which she told me she'd being bringing some her female friends ... methinks this is some sort of validation/emotional support on her part ... which i'm fine with ...

You're the one who suggested that you go as a group, why wouldn't she bring friends?

Next time make it clear that you just want it to be you and her. You seem to be making it hard for her to see these as dates (asking her to lunch instead of dinner, suggesting a group outing instead of one-on-one)
posted by kathrineg at 11:17 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Update/addendum: I did ask her to lunch last week... I've escalated that to a dinner at the of the week... We're also meeting this Friday for the christmas tree lighting in downtown Toronto ... i've suggested we go as a group

I fear you are missing the point.

The key word in all the advice above "date". You need to ask her "out on a date".

The word choice is what matters here. If you waffle and qualify and suggest these maybe/maybe-not things, you'll just stay confused forever.
posted by rokusan at 11:24 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dittoing rokusan. I asked a girl out once for one-on-one "dinner and a movie." I thought that was pretty obvious. Turns out, even after it was over, the poor girl still had no idea it was a date. Sometimes you have to be a bit forthright and nip the guessing game in the bud.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 11:38 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


kathrineg: You seem to be making it hard for her to see these as dates (asking her to lunch instead of dinner, suggesting a group outing instead of one-on-one)

Agree with this, which is understandable, because the impulse is to insinuate yourself into her life as much as possible without risking rejection. But you need to ignore this impulse and actually risk it, because if you never put yourself into a position in which you can be rejected, you are also never putting yourself into a position in which you can be accepted.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:01 PM on November 23, 2009 [9 favorites]


For what its worth, offering to examine her eyelashes in that context/conversation was a HALL OF FAME move. Anything that gets you looking directly into a woman's eyes is a win. I tip my hat to you, sir.

Now ask her out so you can examine them more frequently.
posted by DWRoelands at 12:33 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Yes, what katherineg said times ten million.

How will you know if she wants to date you? A) Ask her out on a date, not a group activity; b) wait for her to ask you out on a date, not a group activity.

It is not rocket surgery. There's no secret except putting your cards on the table.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:24 PM on November 23, 2009


Nth-ing directness.

One thing I want to add: "No" isn't the worst answer you can get; it's "maybe." Maybe means you don't get what you want, and you have to keep worrying about it.

Honesty is GREAT. "I think you're pretty and I like your sense of humor. Let's go out." When you deliver a line like that with sincerity, the ladies often get all giggly and blushy. It's very nice.
posted by dualityofmind at 3:43 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Currently dating a man who - according to him and my subsequent review of some past emails - had been trying to ask me out for over a year. I had no idea he thought of me "in that way."

Mutual friend told me had a yen and I asked him out. That might not work for you - call for a date, already.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:54 PM on November 23, 2009


addendum:

guys, thanks for all the insightful comments ... no apologies here but yes i know i should take the high road here and just 'go for it' ... but alas, like many others, my fear of rejection looms close and i know that's not an excuse.

i realize i should have been clear right from the get go ... and i know it may not be prudent to assume she will understand all my intentions. i'm a little pissed at myself for not even following my own advice because honestly, i know what needs to be done, but the fear of getting that "no" or "maybe" is great. and yes, like most guys, that is the answer we fear the most.
posted by sniperantics at 7:31 AM on November 24, 2009


i'm a little pissed at myself for not even following my own advice because honestly, i know what needs to be done, but the fear of getting that "no" or "maybe" is great. and yes, like most guys, that is the answer we fear the most.

Guy to guy here, ladies please ignore...

The maybe/sorta/groupdate mindset will put off far more women in the long run than a direct approach. YES, getting rejected sucks but you will be far, far, far more successful at dating with a confident, simple approach in these sorts of situations.

Deep breath, take charge, make the call.
posted by unixrat at 12:07 PM on November 25, 2009


To give you some lyrical advice I've always found helpful in dealing with the possibility of rejection, allow me to quote the inimitable Dan Bern:

If certain girls don't look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don't look at you
It just means they're ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know?
Which is which, who's doing what?
I guess that you can ask 'em
Which one are you baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that
Is one good pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits
Balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine
posted by Panjandrum at 1:48 PM on November 25, 2009 [2 favorites]


Have you called her yet? Call her! Ask her! We need updates!
posted by unixrat at 4:11 PM on November 27, 2009


Stop! Stop feeding the fear. You're making this bigger than you are. You're a man dammit.

If you call her and confidently ask her out, even if she didn't originally want it, she will be so impressed it may sway her. Especially if you're both young and she's used to dealing with wussy-indirect-adoloscent-boys.

For her to be the woman for you, you've gotta demonstrate that you can be the man for her. And that means taking initiative and making things happen. As men this is our trade-off: we get to be the initiators, the doers, the agents of change, but at the cost of facing our fears. Women can go out, look good, and be served a buffet of men to choose from. Your average woman turns down a LOT of dick. But they largely cannot (this is changing somewhat) say, "I want THAT man," and go get him. WE get to do that sort of selection. Cherish it.

Get in touch with your manliness. Grab your balls and roar a lion's roar while stomping around your room for a few minutes. While still holding your balls, pick up the phone and call. When she answers, just growl for a few seconds, caveman-style. When she goes "Wtf?" Just say, "I was checking to see if you were paying attention. Anyway, go out on a date with me. Soon. How about Friday?" Even if she doesn't want to do it, she'll turn you down comfortably knowing that you don't take it too seriously.
posted by dualityofmind at 5:04 PM on November 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh my god, you haven't called her yet, have you?!

The window of opportunity does not stay open for long and then it falls upon the fingers of inaction if you don't put a stick of confidence in there to keep it propped up.
posted by unixrat at 11:20 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


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