acknowledging a colleague's loss...

November 12, 2009 5:11 PM

A work colleague of mine lost her mother to cancer to one year ago tomorrow. I wanted to give her a card just letting her know that I am thinking of her and am aware that it must be a difficult day for her. Is it appropriate for me to do this? She has not been talking about the fact that the anniversary is tomorrow, I just happen to remember the date. If it is a good thing to do, what should I say on the card? Thanks for your help
posted by elis to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Do it. Just say you are thinking of her.

My wife has done this a couple of times and the response has been very warm gratitude.

Of course your friend remembers the date, and she will appreciate that you do too.
posted by charlesminus at 5:18 PM on November 12, 2009

Please don't. No one wants to be reminded of this. If she mentions it to you, then you can say something. I'm sure she remembers on her own, but that is too in your face.
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:21 PM on November 12, 2009

I think it's a thoughtful thing to do. So many people offer condolences directly after a death, but never mention (or notice) the milestones. She remembers the date, and always will. Knowing that you remember, too, will be comforting. You don't have to say much on the card; maybe just, "I know today is a tough one for you. You are in my thoughts."
posted by Houstonian at 5:25 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

No one wants to be reminded of this.

Personally, I want to be reminded that I am cared for and supported. I think a very low-key card would be appropriate if you're reasonably close to this person.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:32 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think I would personally prefer something in-person, not a card. And not an overt "So hey, your mother died a year ago," but just a little bit of extra support. There is no way she doesn't remember it, and if she hasn't mentioned it, there is probably a very good reason.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:39 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think it's a beautiful and thoughtful thing to do. I think what you've already said - "I am thinking of you and am aware that it must be a difficult day for you." is fine to put on the card, or something to that effect.
posted by smoke at 5:39 PM on November 12, 2009

You're perfectly in the clear; I'm sure she will appreciate your heartfelt thoughts and concern for her.
posted by honeybee413 at 5:41 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I would do this. I think it's very kind of you. A close friend of mine marked the one year anniversary of her husband's death a few months ago and I called her on that day, thinking I'd leave a message on her machine. She talked to me for over an hour and was so grateful that I'd remembered when he died and that I cared enough about her to call and acknowledge it. Believe me ...your work friend remembers the date and I'm guessing it will mean so much to her that you remembered too and chose to push past any awkwardness to let her know you care. A simple blank card with a line or two about "thinking of you and wishing you well" is all you need to say. You're a good friend.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:42 PM on November 12, 2009 [4 favorites]

Wow, I'm trying to think about how I would have felt about this if someone had done this for me. I recall being touched when a business I visit regularly had a card waiting for me the first time I came in after Mom died (the owner saw the obituary - I'd never said anything). On the other hand, my instinct says an anniversary card would be weird and intrusive. Ultimately it may depend on whether you're a card-giving workplace in the first place. If you never do anything like leaving cards and then do it for this it kind of says you're defining her by her loss and you'd just be calling her attention to something painful. If you have the sort of relationship where you communicate via card routinely, then it's probably sweet.

Based on my own emotional roller-coaster, I'd suggest being really careful unless you're okay with a suddenly weeping co-worker.
posted by Karmakaze at 5:42 PM on November 12, 2009

One possible way to handle this: just be a little more attentive and present for your colleague before, on, and after the anniversary, but leave it up to her whether to mention the date's significance.

Oops --- on re-reading, I see that the anniversary is tomorrow, so my "before" suggestion ain't gonna work. Still, on and after the anniversary, you can be little more patient and thoughtful with her than you might otherwise be. Maybe she'll know why, maybe she won't. That's okay; an act of sympathy is a gift to the recipient, whether they consciously know you're offering it or not.

If, in response to your kindness, your colleague does mention her mother's death, then you're there to listen to her. That's the mark of a good listener: they don't force the subject, but consider that it might arise and make themselves available when the time is right. It's a kindness to your co-worker.

Obviously, there are two possibilities: either she does remember the date or she doesn't. If she does consciously remember the date, she may be feeling fragile or sad or guilty or any number of things. If you had described her as a friend, I would say "Go for it; you know her well enough and you know whether she'd object to crying in front of you." But since you identify her primarily as a colleague, she might not want to expose her emotions, especially in the workplace.

And if she doesn't remember the date's significance, you don't want to be the one to mention it in the workplace.

This actually happened to me last year, on the third anniversary of my father's death: a very, very dear friend sent me an email saying she was thinking of me and my family and how I must be missing my father. I burst out crying. If it had instead been a colleague mentioning it in person and I had burst out crying in my place of work, I would have been a little uncomfortable with my response, no matter how kindly intended.

A final suggestion: if you do decide to give her a card that makes direct reference to the date's significance, try to time it so that she'll have privacy to read it. Maybe give it to her just before a coffee or lunch break, or as she's heading out for the day.
posted by Elsa at 5:52 PM on November 12, 2009

As a minister, when I conduct a funeral, I mark the anniversary of the date on the next year's calendar, and I send a card to the family that week. I don't directly mention the death, I just use a "Thinking of You" card or a blank one, and write something friendly and non-specific. (i.e. "I was just thinking of you guys. Your family means a lot to me, and I just wanted to let you know how glad I am that you are part of our church. I'm praying especially for you this week.") That's always been received well, sometimes overwhelming so. I'm sure the equivalent action would be appreciated in your circumstance.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:08 PM on November 12, 2009 [6 favorites]

Anniversaries are hard for people; I have a friend who has just had a hard week at the anniversary of her mother's death. Most people who aren't close have probably moved on by then; it can be really appreciated to hear from folks at that time. A card would be lovely.
posted by not that girl at 6:22 PM on November 12, 2009

Best answer: A year after my mom died people in my life let me know they were thinking of me on that day. It was something I've always remembered and been grateful for.

It's not something I can ever be "reminded" of because I never forget it.

So yes, give or send her a card. It's a lovely, appropriate, and touching thing to do.
posted by rtha at 7:27 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I tend to side with agree with Elsa that you should show that you're thinking of her by being particularly supportive and attentive to her during the day so you can provide a hug, or a shoulder, or an ear if she reaches out to you or mentions her mother's death.

As evidenced by the responses above, some people would very much appreciate a card, but it's hard to know for sure what the effect will be on her -- work might be a welcome bit of normalcy in what will be a difficult day and she may not want to be reminded.

Of course, you know her better than strangers on the internet!
posted by purplevelvet at 7:33 PM on November 12, 2009

I do think this is a great idea--a nice, generally supportive message will likely make her feel very cared for. One suggestion: give it to her at the end of the day, just in case it brings up a strong emotional response for her. It will be easier for her if it's not 9am and she's trying to be ready for a meeting or something.
posted by so_gracefully at 7:52 PM on November 12, 2009

Don't mentioned what has happened just let her know you are thinking of her and you are here for her if she ever needs anything.
posted by lucy.jakobs at 7:56 PM on November 12, 2009

I think it very much depends on your colleague's personality and current state of mind, and you're the best person to judge what her reaction might be.

However, I'd like to provide a counterpoint to what seems to be the prevailing sentiment here, that I found interesting when I read it recently.

"A person who meets a mourner after one year and consoles him, to what can he be compared? To a physician who meets a person whose leg has been broken and says to him, 'Let me break your leg again, and reset it, to convince you that my treatment is good.'"

(Rabbi Meir, quoted in Joseph Telushkin's A Code of Jewish Ethics, Volume 1: You Shall Be Holy).

Again, though, I think it depends on the person. For some, it will be more painful than comforting. For others, vice versa.
posted by greenmagnet at 8:58 PM on November 12, 2009

I wouldn't want you to talk to me about it, because I would end up feeling sorry for you that you feel bad that I feel bad. It would annoy me, and make things awkward and silly.

I'm not saying my response is typical, but I am saying is not everyone who's mom died a year ago wants the same response. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything, and just wait until (if) she says anything, and then just be prepared to be there. Take her to grab a cup of coffee, offer to grab a drink with her after if you think it'll work, but (I can't think of nicer way to say this), make sure you're doing this for her and in a way she'd appreciate, not in a way that will make you feel awesome.
posted by OrangeDrink at 9:03 PM on November 12, 2009

Having been on the receiving end of this, it was nice to get.

And to be completely clear, I absolutely disagree with the handful of posts above that opine on why it's the wrong thing to do.

Basically, what rtha said.
posted by intermod at 9:22 PM on November 12, 2009

"Thinking of you" card, no specific reference as to why.
posted by Billegible at 12:02 AM on November 13, 2009

Response by poster: Thank you so much for your responses, everybody. I really appreciate it.
posted by elis at 2:47 AM on November 13, 2009

It would bother me excessively unless the person were close enough to be described as a friend rather than a colleague. My father is very ill right now, and I haven't told anyone at work because I couldn't bear their well-meant comments.

It would make it harder that I'd have to be nice about it because I wouldn't want to be seen as 'that person who was so ungrateful when I tried to be nice about her father's illness'.
posted by winna at 6:30 AM on November 13, 2009

I wouldn't appreciate it. It would make me feel awkward at work, and it's really not very professional. Unless you're close enough friends with someone to predict whether they'd like it, you should just leave well enough alone. If your goal is to be nice and supportive, you can do that by just being nice and supportive, without risking the negative reaction and awkward interaction. It almost seems like sending the card would be a way to make YOU seem like the good guy -- which isn't really necessary.
posted by yarly at 8:51 AM on November 13, 2009

Also, I might feel kind of creeped out/invaded that a coworker (as opposed to a friend or relative) had just happened to remember the anniversary date.
posted by yarly at 8:53 AM on November 13, 2009