and my heart has slowly dried up

November 2, 2009 3:40 PM

Another mental health, break up related question. What about me changed so quickly?

I am at a loss to explain my behavior maybe you can help. I had been dating a girl (I am male) since my sophomore year of college. Upon graduation we broke up briefly, she moved to NYC, me to Boston. We got back together quickly and were genuinely happy with the long distance relationship. I became miserable at my job, decided to apply to grad school and she decided to apply to a school here in Boston (among several other places). However, now a year and a half later over the course of three weeks I completely pulled away from her, shared a bed with another girl after a Halloween party, and broke up with her via email. We have talked and she is devastated. She said to not call her for a really long time and I agreed.

I was raised Catholic and along with that developed the stereotypical habit of feeling guilty about so many things. I should be devastated but I don't feel anything. I have very loving friends and family and I want nothing to do with them. Today I was able to concentrate almost the whole day at work for the first time in months. I have been depressed in the past but nothing like this before.

How is it possible for someone to go from boy scout to fucking asshole that quickly? Was it there inside me all along? Is this biochemical? I am not looking for excuses or 'be young while you can' rationale for my behavior, I want to be the person I was at the end of September again.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)

How is it possible for someone to go from boy scout to fucking asshole that quickly?

I would first suggest that you stop characterizing yourself as a fucking asshole. This is not to say that you shouldn't examine your behavior and to reflect on how that behavior might be causing your or someone else distress, but I think labeling yourself "a fucking asshole" paints you in a very narrow, negative, punitive corner from the outset from which it is virtually impossible to gain a meaningful understanding of yourself, your choices, and your motivations.

The narratives we tell ourselves, about ourselves, determine to a remarkable degree the clarity and extent to which we can understand ourselves and our options. In this case, you are telling a narrative in which you have suddenly, without explanation or warning, become a terrible person. However, barring a psychotic break, that is extremely unlikely to have actually happened.

So what if you can think of yourself as the same person you've been all along -- and you've done something that has surprised and upset you? Does that give you room to consider more realistically how the stresses in your life might be affecting you, or whether or not you really want to be in this relationship (yes, even if she's a lovely person who you care about), or what you really want to be doing in your personal and professional life?

We -- well, those of us who are not sociopaths, at least -- all do things that trigger feelings of shame or guilt for having hurt others. In this case, though, it sounds like you have become utterly flooded with shame, which is so overwhelming that it's making you feel like a different person entirely. (Note that the Catholic upbringing is probably weighing in pretty heavily here. That baggage can be significant, but it doesn't mean you don't have free will in working to understand and overcome it.) But you're still the same guy -- a good guy, even. A good guy who can make a bad decision, or even a series of bad decisions. It doesn't make you a fucking asshole. It makes you human.
posted by scody at 3:55 PM on November 2, 2009 [7 favorites]

Sorry, I thought of one more point the second I posted.

Just as I think it's helpful to cut it out with the "I'm a fucking asshole" characterization, I think it would be equally helpful to cut it out with the "I used to be a boy scout" characterization as well. You weren't perfect three weeks ago either, any more than you are perfect now. Take your former self off the boy scout pedestal. You have been a reguarl human being with the capacity to make mistakes all along. That's all. Cut yourself some slack in both directions.
posted by scody at 3:58 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't really understand what you're asking. Now that you broke up with her and don't feel bad about it, you're better able to concentrate? You want to go back to being depressed like before? The specifics of your commitment here are sort of unclear, but it is apparently very much not ok (in her mind and yours) that you 'shared a bed' with someone else. Beyond that though, you shouldn't make yourself feel bad about a breakup that doesn't make you feel bad on its own.

I know you can't respond directly, but feel free to follow up with a mod or send me a MeMail.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 4:01 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'll disagree with the first two people, slightly:

1- Don't beat yourself up, the past is the past and you can't change it.

2- That said, you acted out of character and you feel guilty for that. Guilt isn't a bad emotion- it is meant to signal to ourselves that we have acted in a way we are not proud of. So if we use the guilt to change our behavior, it has done our job. (Please note that this is different from #1. "I'm a jerk and this just proves it" is way different from "why did I act that way".) This assumes that breaking up with someone over email is out of character for you.

Why did you act like a jerk? Only you can figure that out. But since you have had depression before, I can only guess that you are probably experiencing something similar. But that it is manifesting itself in a different way. Usually not wanting to have anything to do with loved ones and doing things like cheating to force a breakup are signs of depression.

When you say that today you have finally been able to concentrate, what was it about the previous weeks that made you unable to concentrate? What were you preoccupied with? Not just what, but in what way? If you were thinking about your relationship, what was the character of those thoughts?

(Obviously, the questions are for you to consider, not necessarily answer here.)
posted by gjc at 4:45 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think you didn't want a commitment. It sounds as though you are busy pursuing your own independence, including putting distance between yourself and your family as well as yourself and this woman. That is all perfectly fine. The only thing you really can and perhaps should reproach yourself for is that you didn't let your girlfriend down in a kind way. You can atone (I do Jewish guilt myself) by a) being a lot nicer next time you end a relationship and b) apologizing eventually to your girlfriend in a sincere way for the way you broke up with her.
posted by bearwife at 4:45 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sometimes we do things that hurt other people, and sometimes it's easier to behave like an asshole in order to change a situation you want to get out of.

We all learn better tools and strategies as we age (well, we're suppose to anyway) and mature.

You took the easy way out (the email breakup, etc), and now you know the damage you can inflict on others. Learn from it.

As for the depression, it happens. If it gets worse, get some professional help.

In the meantime, try to regulate your inner monologue. Try talking to the resident counsellor on campus or find someone else you can talk to - it's good to talk these things out.

Try altering your inner monologue to something like "I behaved badly and someone got hurt. But I've learned my lesson. I am going to learn better ways to communicate and therefore not hurt people in the future. I can change."

Something like that.

As for withdrawing from family and friends... You may be experiencing some mild depression. You will probably come around in a bit when you don't feel so wretched. It's going to take a while.

Think of yourself as embarking on a journey. Sometimes we have to leave family and friends for a while. But when you feel better you can always come back (but if your depression gets worse you're going to need to call out for help).


But you're young. Shit happens. You can change and grow.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:01 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

You say that you had no feelings, but you do. You're depressed and there's a reason for that. It's pretty good that you "jumped ship" when you did. That's actually kind of admirable...one can't take care of others unless your basic need are met first.

But now you're left with a guilty conscious and unfinished business. The next manly/adult/responsible thing to do is to talk to your former girl friend.

If you're anything like me I'd write a letter (3,4,5 times) trying to explain my feelings and circumstance before actually speaking with her.

Ultimately, though, you pretty much punched in the face someone that you shared your life with for years. I believe you'll feel much better about yourself if you face it head on. Talk to the girl and give her a chance to give you a ration of shit.

Sadly, thinking back about when I was your age, she will have already been shopping around and that will mess with your head too.

Good luck, be a man and be good to girls. (Seriously, this isn't going to be the only time you have to break up with a girl, but if you can do it with some compassion and grace...word will get around.)
posted by snsranch at 5:45 PM on November 2, 2009

Here's a hypothesis for you.

Deep down, there are things that you want from your life; ways you imagine your life might be. Like many of us, you start to feel a little trapped if nothing ever changes around you, because for certain YOU are changing slowly, always.

What you are guilty of, is not NOTICING that you were changing, not noticing that things weren't quite right for you any more, not noticing that you had more ambitions, and not facing up to them until your subconscious was obliged to forcibly remove you from the situation you were in, leaving you blindsided and wondering what was going on.

In future, take more long walks by yourself, and spend more time seriously thinking through where you would like to be in life. Then face up to that, and make arrangements to get there in a more calm and collected fashion.
posted by emilyw at 1:11 AM on November 3, 2009

Nothing changed. Nothing remains the same.

What does Isaac say 7 years later?

Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on


You will never again be the person you were 6 weeks ago. That's not a bad thing. That's not a good thing. That is life.

Apologize, get on with your life, try to be single for a while.

Being able to concentrate all day at your job for the first time in months seems like a positive movement to me.
posted by GregorWill at 1:58 AM on November 3, 2009

I read pretty much all the above posters and think they went way too philosophical for such a simple question. I think the real problem is acting way too quickly on emotions/feelings, and prematurely deciding something is true based only on the first couple bits of info. Now-feelings are never to be trusted -- wait a weird reaction to something out until it passes, and see it from hindsight what might have been the trouble. In the meantime, you'd've still been coupled, not slept over, and just running through a lull.

You very simply could be having an allergic reaction to a new kind of food you've been eating lately. The fact that you've been able to concentrate lately could very seriously be a perfect coincidence, that whatever had been affecting you stopped around the time of acting out, but you're attributing it to having been an ass clown.
posted by Quarter Pincher at 3:44 AM on November 3, 2009

Is this biochemical?

Possibly. Strangers on a website can't say for sure, of course, but I think it's worth having checked out. If the cheating/breakup/lack of guilt were all, I wouldn't be suggesting clinical depression as a possibility, but the additional details (avoiding friends and family; inability to concentrate) seems to me to make clinical depression somewhat more likely as an explanation.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:21 AM on November 3, 2009