Faced with a scholarly book.
October 18, 2009 10:23 AM Subscribe
How can I stop my glistening wit from faltering when I become so obviously intimidated by certain people? Details inside, and don't worry, I won't mention my wit again.
I recently noticed I tend to pick certain people in my life to idealise for various reasons. Once it was my mom, and I couldn't stop feeling guilty that I didn't do enough around the house...or that I didn't have enough deep conversations with her, things like that...for a few weeks at least. Needless to say, it was inconvenient.
Usually though, I do this with (9 out of 10, male [I am female]) friends, acquaintances, and most worryingly, teachers.
"Idealise" probably is the best word to use here, because when I respect/admire someone, it builds and builds until my thoughts on the targeted person culminate into a sort of celebrity status.
The reason this is worrying me more lately is because of the way I tend to act when faced with the person.
For example, I have become recently fascinated with one of my teachers, and the only reason to stay after class is to talk about one of the projects we are supposed to be doing, and I have all these fantastic ideas for it but as soon as I start talking, I become a stuttering, intimidated mess. Faced with such brilliance and whatnot.
I know I must look like a cowering schoolgirl, and I don't want anyone (remember, 9 out of 10 are men) mistaking simple (yet immobilising) respectful admiration for something...well, less appropriate!
Especially my teachers!
The person/people that I do this with are usually people that I would like to live up to or find especially interesting, and that's all. It's not romantic in nature, but I scare myself with how voluminous the thoughts I have often become, maybe because of how hard I try not to become so enamoured with certain people. So I could see how much it would resemble something romantic in nature.
Sure, it fills up the gaps, being so enthralled with the people in my life, but it's sort of ruining it too! This has been going on in one form or another for at least seven years, however.
Is this really, really abnormal? Does anyone feel anything similar?
If you have a question: AGoodAccountToHave@gmail.com
I recently noticed I tend to pick certain people in my life to idealise for various reasons. Once it was my mom, and I couldn't stop feeling guilty that I didn't do enough around the house...or that I didn't have enough deep conversations with her, things like that...for a few weeks at least. Needless to say, it was inconvenient.
Usually though, I do this with (9 out of 10, male [I am female]) friends, acquaintances, and most worryingly, teachers.
"Idealise" probably is the best word to use here, because when I respect/admire someone, it builds and builds until my thoughts on the targeted person culminate into a sort of celebrity status.
The reason this is worrying me more lately is because of the way I tend to act when faced with the person.
For example, I have become recently fascinated with one of my teachers, and the only reason to stay after class is to talk about one of the projects we are supposed to be doing, and I have all these fantastic ideas for it but as soon as I start talking, I become a stuttering, intimidated mess. Faced with such brilliance and whatnot.
I know I must look like a cowering schoolgirl, and I don't want anyone (remember, 9 out of 10 are men) mistaking simple (yet immobilising) respectful admiration for something...well, less appropriate!
Especially my teachers!
The person/people that I do this with are usually people that I would like to live up to or find especially interesting, and that's all. It's not romantic in nature, but I scare myself with how voluminous the thoughts I have often become, maybe because of how hard I try not to become so enamoured with certain people. So I could see how much it would resemble something romantic in nature.
Sure, it fills up the gaps, being so enthralled with the people in my life, but it's sort of ruining it too! This has been going on in one form or another for at least seven years, however.
Is this really, really abnormal? Does anyone feel anything similar?
If you have a question: AGoodAccountToHave@gmail.com
Looking back on my younger self, I can see that the reasons I was intimidated by a number of people had to do with how confident I was with myself, and how much that confidence was affected by how I perceived other people thought of me.
Honestly what really helped me -- and it did take me a long time to fully absorb and internalize it -- was constantly reminding myself that whatever other people were thinking about me, particularly if I thought it was negative, did not need to be any of my concern. Their thoughts were nothing that I needed to take personally. And over time my self-image, the picture I had of myself in my head, became less and less influenced by the thoughts of others and more solidly comprised of what I knew to be true about me. And this can be tough, because it goes against the way many of us are socialized as young women, which is to be very concerned with how other people think of us. Particularly people in authority, and people we admire, and people we are attracted to (not necessarily romantically). So for me, it took a lot of effort and time to teach myself how to stop being so consumed with what someone else might be thinking about me. I mean, it's exhausting, right? Who has time for that??
I would encourage you to work at developing a more holistic view of the people you end up putting on pedestals. They may dazzle you with their brilliance in class, but they are also mere mortals, and though you may not have the opportunity to see it, they too trip over cracks in the sidewalk, burn things on the stove, and fart. (They especially fart.)
posted by hegemone at 11:24 AM on October 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Honestly what really helped me -- and it did take me a long time to fully absorb and internalize it -- was constantly reminding myself that whatever other people were thinking about me, particularly if I thought it was negative, did not need to be any of my concern. Their thoughts were nothing that I needed to take personally. And over time my self-image, the picture I had of myself in my head, became less and less influenced by the thoughts of others and more solidly comprised of what I knew to be true about me. And this can be tough, because it goes against the way many of us are socialized as young women, which is to be very concerned with how other people think of us. Particularly people in authority, and people we admire, and people we are attracted to (not necessarily romantically). So for me, it took a lot of effort and time to teach myself how to stop being so consumed with what someone else might be thinking about me. I mean, it's exhausting, right? Who has time for that??
I would encourage you to work at developing a more holistic view of the people you end up putting on pedestals. They may dazzle you with their brilliance in class, but they are also mere mortals, and though you may not have the opportunity to see it, they too trip over cracks in the sidewalk, burn things on the stove, and fart. (They especially fart.)
posted by hegemone at 11:24 AM on October 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
This may be a bit of a sideways answer to your question...
More than a few years ago, watching one of those clever "group of friends" sitcoms with sparkling writing where everyone has clever, snappy dialogue, I realized that life didn't have enough clever, snappy dialogue in it. I resolved then and there to try to put forward my best imitation of being someone who actually came up with clever, snappy lines on a regular basis, although without the benefit of having a crack television writing staff to actually help me be funny.
Over time, I've refined my own ability to understand which might be funny outside my head as well as just personally amusing. And I've tried to not let my own inner MST3K instincts to take over ALL of the moments in my life, but instead to refine it and only let loose with the true gems rather than every possibly amusing quip that my brain can generate. (After all, those sitcoms usually have more than ONE funny person around...)
Anyway, the point of this is, if you practice being witty, you can be witty in front of anyone. It just takes enough (in my case) years of practice to develop the confidence to be able to do this and be natural at it. I'm still not THAT good at it... maybe 1/3 of my quips fall flat, maybe another 1/6 are utterly inappropriate and should never have found a life outside my twisted skull. But that does mean that about half the time, I'm adding sparkle to the conversation. (Or have deluded myself into thinking that I am.)
The bonus of this is, when I'm confronted with someone that I [admire / fear / crush-on / want to impress] my brain usually slips into overdrive and I end up being more sparkling and witty than usual.
I don't know if that will work for you, but it is true -- practicing how to relate to people does mean you get better at it.
(And I hope that didn't come across as egotistical as it reads on preview... eek!)
posted by hippybear at 11:27 AM on October 18, 2009
More than a few years ago, watching one of those clever "group of friends" sitcoms with sparkling writing where everyone has clever, snappy dialogue, I realized that life didn't have enough clever, snappy dialogue in it. I resolved then and there to try to put forward my best imitation of being someone who actually came up with clever, snappy lines on a regular basis, although without the benefit of having a crack television writing staff to actually help me be funny.
Over time, I've refined my own ability to understand which might be funny outside my head as well as just personally amusing. And I've tried to not let my own inner MST3K instincts to take over ALL of the moments in my life, but instead to refine it and only let loose with the true gems rather than every possibly amusing quip that my brain can generate. (After all, those sitcoms usually have more than ONE funny person around...)
Anyway, the point of this is, if you practice being witty, you can be witty in front of anyone. It just takes enough (in my case) years of practice to develop the confidence to be able to do this and be natural at it. I'm still not THAT good at it... maybe 1/3 of my quips fall flat, maybe another 1/6 are utterly inappropriate and should never have found a life outside my twisted skull. But that does mean that about half the time, I'm adding sparkle to the conversation. (Or have deluded myself into thinking that I am.)
The bonus of this is, when I'm confronted with someone that I [admire / fear / crush-on / want to impress] my brain usually slips into overdrive and I end up being more sparkling and witty than usual.
I don't know if that will work for you, but it is true -- practicing how to relate to people does mean you get better at it.
(And I hope that didn't come across as egotistical as it reads on preview... eek!)
posted by hippybear at 11:27 AM on October 18, 2009
Notice that even if you have learned much about these people you idolize, you know what they like to talk about and how they talk and what you want to tell to them, you have not had actual dialog with them before.
I am a person, who always has difficulties when first time talking to a person. Somehow I am exceptionally slow at finding rhythm and rapport, I feel like my tries to initiate discussion are like dancing and constantly stepping on partner's feet. The experience that you've already listened these people and learned so much from them may mask the fact that you have not danced with them yet, and you are surprised when it goes so badly. This gets multiplied by the factor of how much you want the discussion to go well.
Which is exactly the same problem that we have when trying to talk to our secret crushes. I think your emotions are nothing to worry about, it is the actual skill of 'talking to X' which you need to train and where you need to recognize that it is ok to do it badly at first. Only way to train it is to talk to X, Y:s won't do.
posted by Free word order! at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2009
I am a person, who always has difficulties when first time talking to a person. Somehow I am exceptionally slow at finding rhythm and rapport, I feel like my tries to initiate discussion are like dancing and constantly stepping on partner's feet. The experience that you've already listened these people and learned so much from them may mask the fact that you have not danced with them yet, and you are surprised when it goes so badly. This gets multiplied by the factor of how much you want the discussion to go well.
Which is exactly the same problem that we have when trying to talk to our secret crushes. I think your emotions are nothing to worry about, it is the actual skill of 'talking to X' which you need to train and where you need to recognize that it is ok to do it badly at first. Only way to train it is to talk to X, Y:s won't do.
posted by Free word order! at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2009
I've been on the other side of this, and it was annoying as hell. I don't know how to help you stop, but I do want to make sure you realize the person you idealize almost certainly is aware of it.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 12:39 AM on October 19, 2009
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 12:39 AM on October 19, 2009
Before you approach your golden-glow mentors:
Take a deep breath. Tell yourself you are an awesome and curious person. Take another deep breath. Figure out what is the first question you want to ask. Ask it. Wait, patiently, PATIENTLY, for their response. Listen to their words. Respond based on what they say.
My tongue used to get tied a lot when I was talking to people I admired and respected, but it was because I was nervous about showing them that I was cool too and wanting them to think I was awesome...then one day I thought about it from their perspective.
I'm a greenhorn know-nothing. They've been in their field for as long as I've been alive. Catch that? If you're a college student and they're tenured, they've probably been studying what they're studying since you were in diapers. There is no way you can get to their level in one or two or fifty conversations. But they do appreciate your curiosity, and they might even see a bit of themselves in your enthusiasm for the subject.
Once you know that you are at the feet of greatness, you are free to bask, and it becomes much easier to just be. You are not faltering as much as you think because you have nothing to falter off of. You're just getting started! It is so liberating.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:57 AM on October 19, 2009
Take a deep breath. Tell yourself you are an awesome and curious person. Take another deep breath. Figure out what is the first question you want to ask. Ask it. Wait, patiently, PATIENTLY, for their response. Listen to their words. Respond based on what they say.
My tongue used to get tied a lot when I was talking to people I admired and respected, but it was because I was nervous about showing them that I was cool too and wanting them to think I was awesome...then one day I thought about it from their perspective.
I'm a greenhorn know-nothing. They've been in their field for as long as I've been alive. Catch that? If you're a college student and they're tenured, they've probably been studying what they're studying since you were in diapers. There is no way you can get to their level in one or two or fifty conversations. But they do appreciate your curiosity, and they might even see a bit of themselves in your enthusiasm for the subject.
Once you know that you are at the feet of greatness, you are free to bask, and it becomes much easier to just be. You are not faltering as much as you think because you have nothing to falter off of. You're just getting started! It is so liberating.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:57 AM on October 19, 2009
I definitely think whimsicalnymph has it right -- you really are not going to be on their level. That sounds harsh, but as a grad student I find this philosophy really takes a lot of pressure off! I try to remind myself not to try to impress my professors, and instead to just genuinely express my interests and ask my questions. whimsical also noted that you should "listen to their words" -- THIS IS KEY. I used to get so nervous talking to "superior" people that I would start formulating my next questions/responses while they were talking. Really try not to do this. Listen to them!!! It focuses your attention outside of yourself -- plus, you're there to listen to them anyway. So do it!
Another thing that's helpful -- no matter how accomplished they are, they're no better than you. Just because they've written a bunch of crap and probably talked to a lot of famous people and whatnot, they're still just a human being. They probably have some really weird and or gross and or embarrassing habits, and other personal problems.
In the end, I've kind of decided that life is too short to stress out about impressing anyone. They can take me or leave me.
posted by imalaowai at 9:19 PM on October 19, 2009
Another thing that's helpful -- no matter how accomplished they are, they're no better than you. Just because they've written a bunch of crap and probably talked to a lot of famous people and whatnot, they're still just a human being. They probably have some really weird and or gross and or embarrassing habits, and other personal problems.
In the end, I've kind of decided that life is too short to stress out about impressing anyone. They can take me or leave me.
posted by imalaowai at 9:19 PM on October 19, 2009
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...it builds and builds until my thoughts on the targeted person culminate into a sort of celebrity status....It's not romantic in nature, but I scare myself with how voluminous the thoughts I have often become, maybe because of how hard I try not to become so enamoured with certain people.
You can have romantic feelings about people without it feeling overtly sexual - essentially - you get crushes easily. You want these guys to notice you and think well of you because you think they are wonderful. That's a crush. It's a pretty normal phase many of us go through - Lord knows I did, and even at 43, I sometimes get sidelined by a huge crush on someone that comes out of nowhere. Try working on your own self-confidence and learn to respect your own abilities and awesomeness and you may not find them so debilitating.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:45 AM on October 18, 2009 [2 favorites]