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October 13, 2009 7:53 PM   Subscribe

Sexfilter! My girlfriend and I have good sex. She comes, I come, all quite brilliant and working perfectly (oh I am a man). But, during preliminary stuff (hands and mouths) I can't make her come. I don't think anyone else has with her either. I've never had any problem with this stuff before. Quite the opposite. I know if she's on her own she'd do it lying on her front... do any girls do this? Does that mean I should be doing something differently?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

If she comes with you from actual sex you really are doing everything just fine!
posted by radioamy at 7:54 PM on October 13, 2009

there's a lot of girls who can only orgasm through manual stimulation while laying on their stomachs.

have her start to get herself off on her stomach, put your hand on her's, eventually she can move her hand, and you can start where she left off. for oral, have her lay on a stack of pillows to raise her vulva (still on her stomach) so you can reach her while she's in the position she's most comfortable with.
posted by nadawi at 8:03 PM on October 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

oh, and for you and her - i heartily recommend (specifically #100) and women get off in a million different ways and almost none of them look like it does in porn or mainstream movies.
posted by nadawi at 8:05 PM on October 13, 2009 [9 favorites]

Well, ask her. It might feel goofy to start with - "Do you like this? Is this okay? Here? Is that too hard? Up and down or side to side?" - but it's really the only way to find out effectively without just paying attention to physical clues.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:14 PM on October 13, 2009

I used to masturbate lying on my front, and couldn't come through oral sex or being fingered until I started masturbating on my back and fingering myself.

I'd say not to pressure her too much about which way she comes, though. Have a conversation about it, ask her what she wants and what feels good for her, and leave it at that. If she can only come through intercourse, then that's awesome! A lot of women (myself included) have the opposite problem!
posted by too bad you're not me at 8:17 PM on October 13, 2009

Watch her do it. Closely.
posted by rokusan at 8:26 PM on October 13, 2009

Does she have a problem with the way things are right now?....

If she does, then talk to her about it -- ask her what you could do differently.

If she doesn't, haven't got a problem after all.

If you don't know if she does, ask her.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:04 PM on October 13, 2009

Ask her if the current situation bothers her, and ask her what she might like you to try if it does. If it does not bother her, just drop it. Women cum all sorts of ways, shapes and forms, and as long as your sexual relationship is one of open communication I think most women will be perfectly happy. Any sexual question can fixed by just asking her. Trust me, we gladly answer.
posted by itsonreserve at 9:10 PM on October 13, 2009

It took me years before I was ever able to cum via oral stimulation. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure it had more to do with me mentally than the techniques of my boyfriends. So don't fret if she just doesn't want to cum manually or orally. She might be completely content with the way everything is. It's nothing personal against you or how you do it, if she doesn't want to cum that way.

Regardless, here's a tip that I think is very important, whenever you're trying to do something sexually that hasn't quite worked before...

Just play. Just experiment. Do NOT set it up like "okay I'm going to go down on you and try to make you cum." Don't make it an event. Don't plan it earlier in the day like "maybe I can make you cum this way tonight!"

Definitely definitely talk to her, as everyone else has mentioned. When you're fooling around start massaging her clit in a certain way or move down there and fool around with your tongue, and ask her for feedback if she can give it (sometimes though, it's hard for us to even know how to guide you, if we're not used to coming orally).

If she's giving you feedback, either verbally or if it's clear that she's enjoying it by the way her body responds, then keep going....but if not, don't linger too long down there, just move on to other stuff and try something a little different the next day. Make trying different techniques (faster/slower/different angles with your hand/different amounts of pressure) part of your usual foreplay....but again, I wouldn't dwell on it too long unless she wants you to keep going, and just avoid putting any pressure on her to cum that way, as much as you can.

The first handful of times I came orally, it was always by "accident." In other words, it was kind of a surprise to me because hey, we were just fooling around, the goal wasn't to make me cum, just to see if this particular sensation felt good. Previously, every time my boyfriend would ask if he could try to make me cum a certain way, it didn't happen. The pressure to cum a particular way killed it for me.

Also, I go through phases - I may go months without wanting to be stimulated orally, or go through a period where I'm really digging it manually and want it that way all the time, etc etc. Of course every girl is going to be different, that's why talking to your particular girl is the absolute most important part of the process.
posted by Squee at 9:49 PM on October 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oh yes, is amazingly awesome.

And yeah, ask her what she wants. Offer to "help her out" while she does it herself. Or just ask if you can watch. Also, the 69 position would be somewhat similar to her lying on her stomach and should help in that whole foreplay business.

You really should talk to her and see if this bugs her. It might not. If this is how it's been for her, she might not be bothered by it. Of course, if she wants to have more orgasms (and really, who doesn't?) and wants to have them from non-PIV sex, just keep on experimenting.

You might consider trying penetrating her from behind with your fingers or a toy while she's lying on her stomach (and may or may not be manually stimulating herself) - that could be fun.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:10 AM on October 14, 2009

Nthing make sure you know what she wants. Sometimes I can't come from various things. The absolute worst thing ever is for the guy I'm with to make me feel like I HAVE to. Like I can't possibly be having fun if I don't. So he tries to do things which don't make me feel good in an attempt to make me come instead of doing all the things that DO feel good but don't lead to orgasm. And then there's pressure, and then it's horrible. Unless SHE'S pushing this, drop it, immediately.
posted by brainmouse at 8:50 AM on October 14, 2009

NSFW response: please note that my response includes sexual language and a link to a porn website/sexually explicit video.

Interesting question!

First of all, I agree with everyone else - you should ask her to masturbate for you and watch carefully. You can make this sexier by telling her how much it turns you on to watch her pleasure herself, or suggest that you both masturbate and watch each other, etc.

Remember that sex is mostly psychological than physical, so trying to figure out what she finds sexy is important (dirty language, power relationships, role playing, etc).

You asked about what personally works for metafilter members. Personally, I think I've only come lying on my front. I like it when the guy I'm with starts off with foreplay (kissing, groping, dirty talking, oral, fingering, etc), I then like flipping over onto my stomach, and like him kissing my breasts/playing with my nipples, continuing to talk dirty as well as sliding his finger along, but not into, my vagina while I rub my clit on the mattress. I'm not sure your girlfriend would come from this, but I definitely do.

Also, I saw this manoeuvre (NSFM) and thought it was interesting. I haven't had this done to me yet, but it looks promising.

Good luck!
posted by orangekit at 7:55 AM on October 15, 2009

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