Long Distance Love Affair
October 5, 2009 12:10 AM Subscribe
several years ago I met a man and we had a brief relationship. We've maintained a friendship through other relationships. We have both always been honest about our attraction to each other but live a few hours drive away from each other. Recently my circumstances changed and as it happens we are both available. We both are interested in seeing each other and he said he'd be willing to move as an eventuality if things work out. As it stands with our jobs it works out so that technically we could see one another twice a month if we wanted to. I have a few questions for the hive, what are ways people in a long distance relationship can stay close, Has anyone out there had a successful transition after moving in together, and has anyone not tried and regretted it?
We've both been hurt and we have an amazing friendship. He as always been more open to a relationship than I have. I feel I'm a realist he feels like I'm afraid to take a chance. It is true I am uncomfortable with losing control and our relationship is very intense. I have to be honest and say that I have always loved him but I'm afraid one of us will get hurt.
We've both been hurt and we have an amazing friendship. He as always been more open to a relationship than I have. I feel I'm a realist he feels like I'm afraid to take a chance. It is true I am uncomfortable with losing control and our relationship is very intense. I have to be honest and say that I have always loved him but I'm afraid one of us will get hurt.
I've been there, done that with long distance. It's something that some people do better than others, and some people can't do at all.
What's relevant to you is: twice a month is a good amount of face time, on the long distance spectrum. It'd still be hard, but very doable, especially with phone and internet contact in between.
You say you've always loved him, and that you have an amazing friendship. Yes, you may get hurt. It's always a possibility. It would be a possibility regardless of your distance, because it's a possibility with everyone. Then again, you have an advantage if something goes wrong: if you break up, you don't have to see him every day. It would be hilariously easy to cut off all contact. If you can use that fact to give yourself some courage about trying a relationship, go for it.
I really think this is an opportunity you should jump at. Especially because there's the possibility of ending the distance if things work out (his willingness to move eventually). That's a keystone of a long-distance relationship - having an end date, once you get really committed.
As for ways you can stay close through a distance relationship? In my opinion, it's almost easier to do so through distance than with everyday contact. Obviously, phone calls and emails are important. Communicate as much as you can without feeling pressured to do so or interfering with your responsibilities. I'd advise against scheduling phone calls, or trying to call/email/communicate EVERY SINGLE DAY. That just builds pressure and doesn't allow for life happening, and will result in disappointment and/or resentment on the part of the person who doesn't get called that day.
I was a lot further away from my partner, and sometimes without phone or internet access, so we used hand-written snail-mail letters a lot. I found them to be particularly wonderful, and I love that I now have this physical record of our relationship. Letters may not really work for your situation, though, as you're likely to have frequent contact.
Don't overpressurize your time together. Don't feel like every weekend that you're able to spend with him needs to be spectacular and full of excitement and that you must have a lot of sex, or whatever. Leave time to just hang out and be people together. On the sex note, work out your arrangements for visits beforehand. If you'll be staying at each others' houses, will there be an expectation of sex? If you want it, fine. If you don't, you need to communicate that, and make sure you'll have your own space. I'm one of those no sex before marriage people, so this was an issue for me; it may not be for you.
Other people here will almost certainly suggest phone sex. Again, not my thing, so I don't have much to say on the subject.
The transition to living together can be hard, especially if most of your visits are essentially "vacations" together, where you always do fun and exciting things and never live real life. This wasn't such a huge issue for me, because my visits tended to be from 3 weeks to 2 1/2 months at a time, rather than just weekends. It may be more difficult for you, but if you're committed to the relationship (and if you're moving in together, I would hope you would be committed by then), you'll communicate and make it work.
In any case, it sounds like your hesitation comes more from your fear of being hurt than your fear of a long distance relationship. Get out there and try it, and if it works, you'll find a way to keep it going regardless of distance.
posted by po at 1:10 AM on October 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
What's relevant to you is: twice a month is a good amount of face time, on the long distance spectrum. It'd still be hard, but very doable, especially with phone and internet contact in between.
You say you've always loved him, and that you have an amazing friendship. Yes, you may get hurt. It's always a possibility. It would be a possibility regardless of your distance, because it's a possibility with everyone. Then again, you have an advantage if something goes wrong: if you break up, you don't have to see him every day. It would be hilariously easy to cut off all contact. If you can use that fact to give yourself some courage about trying a relationship, go for it.
I really think this is an opportunity you should jump at. Especially because there's the possibility of ending the distance if things work out (his willingness to move eventually). That's a keystone of a long-distance relationship - having an end date, once you get really committed.
As for ways you can stay close through a distance relationship? In my opinion, it's almost easier to do so through distance than with everyday contact. Obviously, phone calls and emails are important. Communicate as much as you can without feeling pressured to do so or interfering with your responsibilities. I'd advise against scheduling phone calls, or trying to call/email/communicate EVERY SINGLE DAY. That just builds pressure and doesn't allow for life happening, and will result in disappointment and/or resentment on the part of the person who doesn't get called that day.
I was a lot further away from my partner, and sometimes without phone or internet access, so we used hand-written snail-mail letters a lot. I found them to be particularly wonderful, and I love that I now have this physical record of our relationship. Letters may not really work for your situation, though, as you're likely to have frequent contact.
Don't overpressurize your time together. Don't feel like every weekend that you're able to spend with him needs to be spectacular and full of excitement and that you must have a lot of sex, or whatever. Leave time to just hang out and be people together. On the sex note, work out your arrangements for visits beforehand. If you'll be staying at each others' houses, will there be an expectation of sex? If you want it, fine. If you don't, you need to communicate that, and make sure you'll have your own space. I'm one of those no sex before marriage people, so this was an issue for me; it may not be for you.
Other people here will almost certainly suggest phone sex. Again, not my thing, so I don't have much to say on the subject.
The transition to living together can be hard, especially if most of your visits are essentially "vacations" together, where you always do fun and exciting things and never live real life. This wasn't such a huge issue for me, because my visits tended to be from 3 weeks to 2 1/2 months at a time, rather than just weekends. It may be more difficult for you, but if you're committed to the relationship (and if you're moving in together, I would hope you would be committed by then), you'll communicate and make it work.
In any case, it sounds like your hesitation comes more from your fear of being hurt than your fear of a long distance relationship. Get out there and try it, and if it works, you'll find a way to keep it going regardless of distance.
posted by po at 1:10 AM on October 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm sure others will suggest the same thing: do what you are less likely to regret in future. Better to open the door to this relationship (and possible heartbreak) than just leave it unexplored.
Try to make your times together normal, not like having company or a vacation. If you need to go get groceries together or do a couple of errands, fine. Trying to get stuff done so you can spend All Your Time with them is nice but after awhile it can get stressful or you may feel resentful.
posted by variella at 4:09 AM on October 5, 2009
Try to make your times together normal, not like having company or a vacation. If you need to go get groceries together or do a couple of errands, fine. Trying to get stuff done so you can spend All Your Time with them is nice but after awhile it can get stressful or you may feel resentful.
posted by variella at 4:09 AM on October 5, 2009
The LDR is about four MAJOR steps away from a living-together relationship. What do you want with this man? A lifelong relationship? A little guaranteed physical fun twice a month? I don't want to sound like the straight man at 2am, but let's make a decision here.
Start slowly. Twice a month is a good place to start. Hopefully that will transition to something that will either come around more often, or lead to some life changes.
Consider that the grass is green in many other places - this is one man out of billions. Just my two cents :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 6:56 AM on October 5, 2009
Start slowly. Twice a month is a good place to start. Hopefully that will transition to something that will either come around more often, or lead to some life changes.
Consider that the grass is green in many other places - this is one man out of billions. Just my two cents :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 6:56 AM on October 5, 2009
I went through a very similar situation to yours as far as my current boyfriend and our path to relationshipdom. My advice to you is to most definitely take a chance and go for the long distance relationship. If he made such an impact on you that you still think about him romantically several years after your brief relationship, you will likely continue to have these feelings until you explore them more fully. I held on to my feelings for my guy for over 5 years before the stars aligned and we could be in a relationship. I found that I was afraid to take the next step with my guy because I was worried that real life would not live up to the fantasy of being with him that I had built in my head. Of course it didn't as reality never lives up to fantasy, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't at least try...reality and all the negatives that came with the positives ultimately proved to be more fulfilling than playing out the possibilities in my mind.
If you fear losing the friendship should things go sour, stipulate from the beginning that his being in your life as a friend is important to you, so that if things do end, hopefully they end amicably.
I would also suggest that if he decides to move to be closer to you, don't move in together right away. It's a big shock to go from seeing each other twice a month to seeing each other every day. My boyfriend lived with me temporarily when he moved to my town, and we drove each other crazy for that amount of time. It wasn't a deal breaker for us, but I could see it being that way for others - we both had the tenacity and wherewithal to stick it out, and know that we were feeling that way because of the shock of such a big transition, not because we hated each other. He eventually got his own apartment and we worked on building up to seeing each other every day.
We were long distance for about a year, and I'd say that's about as long as I could have stood the distance - I also think a year is a good amount of time to really flesh out the relationship and make sure it's not just an infatuation before one of you changes your life around to be with the other.
We stayed close by of course sending each other lovey dovey e-mails and text messages, and talking on the phone, but also by sending each other funny stuff we'd find on the internet that made us think of the other. When one of us would visit the other, we'd leave short but sweet, or sometimes goofy love notes in random places at the other person's house for them to eventually find. Date the notes and see how long it takes for your sweetie to find them.
I'd disagree that talking on the phone every day is a no-no...I think it differs for everybody. We talked on the phone literally every day for at least a few minutes during our time apart, at least just to check in, but that's just us.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 7:30 AM on October 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you fear losing the friendship should things go sour, stipulate from the beginning that his being in your life as a friend is important to you, so that if things do end, hopefully they end amicably.
I would also suggest that if he decides to move to be closer to you, don't move in together right away. It's a big shock to go from seeing each other twice a month to seeing each other every day. My boyfriend lived with me temporarily when he moved to my town, and we drove each other crazy for that amount of time. It wasn't a deal breaker for us, but I could see it being that way for others - we both had the tenacity and wherewithal to stick it out, and know that we were feeling that way because of the shock of such a big transition, not because we hated each other. He eventually got his own apartment and we worked on building up to seeing each other every day.
We were long distance for about a year, and I'd say that's about as long as I could have stood the distance - I also think a year is a good amount of time to really flesh out the relationship and make sure it's not just an infatuation before one of you changes your life around to be with the other.
We stayed close by of course sending each other lovey dovey e-mails and text messages, and talking on the phone, but also by sending each other funny stuff we'd find on the internet that made us think of the other. When one of us would visit the other, we'd leave short but sweet, or sometimes goofy love notes in random places at the other person's house for them to eventually find. Date the notes and see how long it takes for your sweetie to find them.
I'd disagree that talking on the phone every day is a no-no...I think it differs for everybody. We talked on the phone literally every day for at least a few minutes during our time apart, at least just to check in, but that's just us.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 7:30 AM on October 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
It is true I am uncomfortable with losing control and our relationship is very intense. I have to be honest and say that I have always loved him but I'm afraid one of us will get hurt.
You can't avoid giving up control and have a relationship. Being close to someone means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Being open means accepting that there will be hurts and being willing to fix the inevitable ones when they happen, by saying "I'm sorry", owning our mistakes and forgiving theirs, and undoing the mistakes we can. You will get hurt - that's just the way it is. You can't have a relationship and avoid that. Every relationship will end someday, in a breakup or a divorce, or death, and none of them is easy. But hurt won't kill us, it just hurts, and we do get over it. Contemplating taking that on is scary. But is contemplating being alone any better?
posted by TruncatedTiller at 10:33 AM on October 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
You can't avoid giving up control and have a relationship. Being close to someone means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Being open means accepting that there will be hurts and being willing to fix the inevitable ones when they happen, by saying "I'm sorry", owning our mistakes and forgiving theirs, and undoing the mistakes we can. You will get hurt - that's just the way it is. You can't have a relationship and avoid that. Every relationship will end someday, in a breakup or a divorce, or death, and none of them is easy. But hurt won't kill us, it just hurts, and we do get over it. Contemplating taking that on is scary. But is contemplating being alone any better?
posted by TruncatedTiller at 10:33 AM on October 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
Has anyone out there had a successful transition after moving in together, and has anyone not tried and regretted it?
The mister and I had a LDR for a year. We saw each other just about every weekend after a 3 hour drive. It was insane. We decided enough was enough and we wanted to live together. Him being Canadian and me being American made things difficult so, long story short, we got married and I moved to Canada. Our ninth wedding anniversary will be in December. Neither one of us has regrets.
And what TruncatedTiller said re: vulnerability.
posted by deborah at 11:09 PM on October 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
The mister and I had a LDR for a year. We saw each other just about every weekend after a 3 hour drive. It was insane. We decided enough was enough and we wanted to live together. Him being Canadian and me being American made things difficult so, long story short, we got married and I moved to Canada. Our ninth wedding anniversary will be in December. Neither one of us has regrets.
And what TruncatedTiller said re: vulnerability.
posted by deborah at 11:09 PM on October 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
One of the things we noticed early on is that when you only see each other every few weeks, the relationship is very "easy" in a sense: both of you are completely focused on each other for that time, you bond, do stuff together & then go through the emotional wrench of going home again. At the same time, the rapid cycle through an intense set of emotions doesn't leave much space for the relationship to mature: it's almost like you're keeping it in that initial limerant phase.
By contrast, living together is harder work: you get the downs as well as the ups. It stops being all love & roses when dicussions about who does the washing up hove into view & you've no longer got the emotional crutch of the fortnightly transitions to support the relationship. It doesn't surprise me at all that a portion of long distance relationships fail when the people involved move in together.
Personally I'd say be prepared for the possibility that the relationship doesn't work after you eventually move in together, but go for it anyway: You'll never know if you don't try.
posted by pharm at 12:59 AM on October 5, 2009 [5 favorites]