What silly thing are YOU guilty of?
October 1, 2009 1:30 PM   Subscribe

Can you think of any silly "crimes" for a game I'm putting together?

It's a game in which people are accused of a crime--something light-hearted, not a real crime. Like "you stole candy from a baby!" "You said it was homemade but it was store-bought!" "You didn't call when you said you would!" "You voted for Nader!" and the players have to defend themselves from these accusations.

So, hilarious hive mind, can you think of any others? I'd like it to be funny, and I don't feel so funny today.
posted by pipti to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (50 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I'm pretty sure stealing candy from a baby is an actual crime.
posted by box at 1:34 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wearing white after Labor Day/before Memorial Day.
posted by infinitewindow at 1:37 PM on October 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

Some pseudo-licit activities to watch out for:

  • rum juggling
  • cake farting
  • operating in a speakeasy
  • making an opera you can't refuse
  • snorgling without a license
  • snorgling with too much license
  • meatballing

  • posted by bonehead at 1:40 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

    Putting ketchup on a hotdog
    posted by bondcliff at 1:42 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

    Whistling on a Tuesday
    posted by Bodd at 1:42 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

    "You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!"
    posted by ...possums at 1:42 PM on October 1, 2009

    Cereal killer! You killed (finished off) my last box of wheaties!
    posted by np312 at 1:44 PM on October 1, 2009

    Taking your bow & arrow into the voting booth. Most US jurisdictions prohibit open & concealed carry of weapons into polling places, even if you have a license to carry. You can make the crime silly by making it an unconventional weapon--like a bow & arrow (which is often licensed for hunting)--rather than a handgun.
    posted by crush-onastick at 1:46 PM on October 1, 2009

    "Reprogrammed my Roomba so that instead of cleaning my apartment, it lectures me about doing something with my life."

    "Called amontillado a digestif instead of an apéritif."

    "Took the 40 dollars I gave you to buy groceries and instead commissioned a street artist to paint a picture of me being eaten by a hippo who is riding a jetski."
    posted by Damn That Television at 1:46 PM on October 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

    Drinking milk straight from the carton.
    posted by desjardins at 1:47 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

    Not putting a new roll of toilet paper on the holder when it's RIGHT THERE.

    This is the thread where we complain about our spouses, right?
    posted by desjardins at 1:48 PM on October 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

    White socks with black shoes.

    Drunk in charge of a bicycle.
    posted by biffa at 1:50 PM on October 1, 2009

    bogarted the joint
    posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:50 PM on October 1, 2009

    Miscellaneous Skullduggery
    posted by martens at 1:51 PM on October 1, 2009

    You farted in the elevator.
    posted by yeti at 1:53 PM on October 1, 2009

    Sinking one's battleship!
    posted by Metroid Baby at 1:54 PM on October 1, 2009

    Carrying more than 12 items in the express lane
    Choosing Charmander as your starter Pokemon
    Crimes of wanton soup
    Crimes against Zumanity
    Love in the first degree
    Possession of Crocs (with intent to wear with socks?)
    Assault and pepper
    Your FACE
    posted by Metroid Baby at 2:10 PM on October 1, 2009

    If there are any teenagers in your game, you can charge them with the malicious crime of turning (insert teenage year here). A heinous crime I had my son arrested for at a Faire and sent to the stocks.
    posted by patheral at 2:11 PM on October 1, 2009

    YOU, a Michigan resident, hitched your alligator to a fire hydrant!! And so on...
    posted by motsque at 2:34 PM on October 1, 2009


    You put ketchup on your steak!

    You said something bad about Metafilter!

    Unnecessary cubicle whistling
    posted by mmascolino at 2:37 PM on October 1, 2009

    Who let the dogs out? You did!
    posted by iviken at 2:45 PM on October 1, 2009

    Claimed Voyager was the best Star Trek series.
    Served Sauvignon Blanc with filet mignon.
    Bleached your dalmatian.
    Lightly soiled your lederhosen (while eating lobster).
    Bought bottled water from halfway around the world.
    Made your toilet drain clockwise in the northern hemisphere.
    Used "inferred" when you meant "implied."
    Ordered a reuben at the kosher deli.
    Shouted "Freebird!" at the symphony.
    Made a Manhattan with bourbon instead of rye.
    Wearing a bowtie while under the age of 60 (and not with a tuxedo).
    Made lasagna with cottage cheese in place of ricotta.
    Rickrolled your grandmother.
    posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:50 PM on October 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

    Attempted loitering.
    posted by Joe Beese at 2:53 PM on October 1, 2009

    You stand accused of

    – being Not Safe For Work
    – Comics Sans usage in the third degree
    – committing blaxploitation
    – hootenanny-mongering
    – punditry
    – unnecessary exposition
    – cilantro
    posted by furiousthought at 3:05 PM on October 1, 2009

    Cake ruining. Definitely.
    posted by Alison at 3:11 PM on October 1, 2009

    Squeezing the Charmin'....it's a crime against all humanity, apparently.
    posted by iconomy at 3:12 PM on October 1, 2009

    Not letting go of someone else's Eggo.

    (No, I don't watch a lot of tv, why do you ask?)
    posted by iconomy at 3:13 PM on October 1, 2009

    * letting the peas touch the carrots.

    According to numerous respondents, this should be a first-time shooting offense.
    posted by bonehead at 3:18 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

    Failed to observe parallel construction in the tenth entry in a list of twelve.
    posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:31 PM on October 1, 2009

    Failed to correctly count to thirteen.
    posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:32 PM on October 1, 2009

    stole the cookie from the cookie jar
    did not put your ducks in a row
    started a sentence with 'And'
    ended with a preposition
    made cookies with carob chips
    rolled your eyes at your mother
    touched your sister
    posted by eleanna at 3:43 PM on October 1, 2009

    posted by the duck by the oboe at 4:02 PM on October 1, 2009

    here in Vancouver, it is now illegal to smoke within 6 metres of a commercial doorway. If you are on street that is all businesses, you must then step into the street to smoke. Which is also illegal (impeding traffic or some such crime ....) It's confusing as hell.
    posted by mannequito at 4:23 PM on October 1, 2009

    mopery :

    Mopery is a vague and obscure legal term, used in certain jurisdictions to mean "walking down the street with no clear destination or purpose".


    In discussions of law, "mopery" is used as a placeholder name to mean some crime whose nature is not important to the problem at hand. This is sometimes expanded to "mopery with intent to creep."

    posted by Afroblanco at 4:27 PM on October 1, 2009

    After Spike Milligan's memoirs: The bloody awful Warsaw Concerto.
    posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:30 PM on October 1, 2009

    Debbi: Duke, let's go do some crimes.
    Duke: Yeah. Let's go get sushi and not pay.
    posted by bzbb at 4:55 PM on October 1, 2009

    You left the seat up!
    You used an apostrophe to indicate a plural!
    posted by SuperSquirrel at 5:23 PM on October 1, 2009

    Public nudity in the third degree
    Aggravated public nudity
    Conspiracy to commit public nudity
    Public nudity with intent to distribute
    posted by mhum at 5:42 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

    Squoze the Charmin
    Replaced that guy's coffee with Folgers Crystals
    Paid a lot for that muffler

    Typed "LOL" without actually laughing out loud
    Did not poke back
    Retweeted without proper credit

    Had an entire conversation with Bill Paxton thinking he was Bill Pullman
    Tricked Roger Moore into autographing a picture of Sean Connery
    posted by mhum at 7:25 PM on October 1, 2009

    You left the toilet seat up.
    You didn't wipe your feet.
    You didn't wash your hands.
    You were running with scissors.
    You were jumping on the furniture.
    You didn't cover your mouth when you coughed.
    You didn't use deodorant.
    You didn't use a condom.
    You sniffed your underwear to see if it was clean enough to wear again.
    You left the light on in the other room.
    You forgot to tip.
    You didn't make your bed.
    You cheated on the test.
    You were over the speed limit.
    You violated my copyright.
    You fed chocolate to a dog.
    You surfed for porn at work.
    You called in sick so you could goof off.
    You promised you would credit us in your game notes.
    posted by fings at 7:56 PM on October 1, 2009

    Cancelled Arrested Development
    Only pretended to like The Wire (or Mad Men or ....)
    posted by mhum at 8:30 PM on October 1, 2009

    You didn't eat your vegetables.
    You served meat to a vegetarian.
    You ate your dessert before your meal.
    You didn't hand in your homework.
    You wore mis-matched socks.
    You didn't flush.
    You didn't wash your hands.
    You didn't scrub behind your ears.
    You didn't brush your teeth.
    You entered through the exit.
    You cheated on your taxes.
    You washed it even though it said "dry clean only".
    You told a child Santa wasn't real.
    You downloaded music off the Internet.
    You wrote your password on a post-it note.
    You lied about how old you were.
    You told my mother she was fat.
    You left the keys in the car.
    You forgot to lock the door.
    You wore socks with sandals.
    You helped overthrow a third world country.
    You caused the stock market to crash.
    You sent a "Get Well Soon" card to a funeral.
    You reanimated the dead.
    You tampered with the laws of nature.
    You violated the laws of physics.
    You played God.
    posted by fings at 8:36 PM on October 1, 2009

    Being an adult, right, and wearing anything with Disney characters on it.
    (Bonus points if it's a neck-tie.)

    Making a reservation for a hotel, restaurant, etc. and saying you "Have a rez."
    posted by Kloryne at 8:39 PM on October 1, 2009

    Assault with a battery. Preferably a AAA.
    posted by Rhaomi at 8:44 PM on October 1, 2009

    You wouldn't let it lie.
    posted by Artw at 11:05 PM on October 1, 2009

    Excessive use of "Going forward."
    Failure to stop in the name of love.
    You got caught hiking on the Appalachian trail.
    You beat a goalie like a rented mule.
    You pulled a football away from a round-headed kid before he could kick it.
    You lied to the Galactic Empire when you said the hidden Rebel base was on Dantooine.
    You let the sun go down on you.
    You stopped believing, and didn't hold onto that feeling.
    You passed Ringo by, you made him cry, you made him blue.
    You tugged on Superman's cape.
    You voluntarily subscribe to Dane Cook's Twitter account.
    You gave the greenlight to "Jennifer's Body."
    You passed Go and collected $200 instead of going directly to jail.
    You know those tags on mattresses that say "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law"? Well, you cut one of them off! (Yeah, you have a real bad temper...)
    posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:03 AM on October 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

    Response by poster: Hah! these are great, thank you!
    posted by pipti at 3:05 PM on October 2, 2009

    Putting on my parental hat for these:

    You did not cut that out right this minute, young [man/lady]!


    You did not wipe that smirk off your face!

    and therefore...

    You made me [pull this car over / turn this car around]!
    posted by SuperSquirrel at 5:42 PM on October 2, 2009

    Attempted jaywalking
    Halitosis in the {1st,2d,3d} degree
    Selling non-code-compliant sausages
    Conspiracy to commit regicide (in a non-monarchy)
    posted by tellumo at 10:00 PM on October 3, 2009

    Taking a "Team Cedric" sign to the New Moon premiere.
    posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:11 AM on November 21, 2009

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