Is she interested or not?

September 22, 2009 1:42 PM

After I had a party last year this girl texts me at 2AM (not sure how she got my number) and tells me that she had a great time. I was in a relationship at the time so I didn't flirt with her. 6 months later I'm single and having another party so I invited her, along with a bunch of other people by email. She tells me why she couldn't make it but she hopes to see me soon.

I didn't see her for a couple of months, but then we talked at a party and ended up going out with a group of friends later that night. I was talking about going to a concert with some people and, without me specifically inviting her, she said she would like to go with us. I had the date wrong when I told her when it was, initially. When I saw her at work, I gave her the right date, and she said she had already checked on the date but probably shouldn't go because some friends were staying at her place that day. I said OK, and then she asked me who was going with me (because we know some of the same people, none of whom are going), and said she might go, but it didn't sound too promising.

Did she lose interest, or never have any?

posted by upland to Human Relations (33 answers total)

You cannot read people's minds. Just ask her out for a drink. Give two possible times. If she balks at either, move on.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:43 PM on September 22, 2009 [6 favorites]

She sounds busy. You really should ask her out, rather than leaving it up to fate. If you're really not sure if she likes you, then ask her to a group activity - but ask her.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:47 PM on September 22, 2009

She is into you or a friendly socialable person. I vote with Ironmouth. Ask her out, give her two different options and if she says no to both flag it and move on.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:49 PM on September 22, 2009

Seconding the asking her out specifically. "Would you like to go to the Spinal Tap concert with me this Saturday?" vs. "Wanna hang out sometime?" Plus, any text after 10 PM is probably some indicator of interest, even vague "I'd hit that" type of interest. Good luck.
posted by ShadePlant at 1:51 PM on September 22, 2009

Response by poster: You guys are right, and I was planning on asking her after the concert if we had a good time, but I had some doubts after talking to her today. We work in the same department, although I rarely see her, so I wanted to feel this one out first. But I'm not getting any obvious signals. Just have to try it I guess.
posted by upland at 1:55 PM on September 22, 2009

People unfortunately, when it comes to dating, too often forget that people aren't mind readers. Be direct and ask her out. She seems busy.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:56 PM on September 22, 2009

But I'm not getting any obvious signals.

Because you're not sending any obvious signals.

I think the text and the self-invitation to a group event that you didn't specifically invite her to are pretty big signals.
posted by muddgirl at 1:56 PM on September 22, 2009

FFS are you 14? Just ask her out. The world won't end if she says no.
posted by modernnomad at 1:58 PM on September 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yeah, no clear signal from you, your behaviour seems flakey to me. Flakey is not an endearing quality to many people. She may have been interested in you, but got a not interested vibe from you.

Another vote for ask her out, directly, if you want to convey interest. Don't be surprized if she's past that though.
posted by kellyblah at 2:07 PM on September 22, 2009

She either really wants to go to that concert, or really likes you. Or likes your friends.

Invite her to something else - just the two of you - and see which it is.
posted by desjardins at 2:10 PM on September 22, 2009

Be direct. All the confusion has possibly made her think that you aren't actually interested. So be direct to clear the confusion.
posted by molecicco at 2:13 PM on September 22, 2009

I generally agree with the rest of the comments above, but you mentioned something. You are at the same workplace, in the same department. Dating co-workers is generally a huge no-no, whether by workplace standards or by common sense. Not saying that you need to cut and run, just make sure to tread with some caution.
posted by Saydur at 2:15 PM on September 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: That's why I'm being cautious (maybe too much so); I normally don't hesitate to ask out a girl I'm interested in. That and I just got out of a 4 year relationship a couple of months ago. But I don't want to be flaky and weak, so I guess I should just do it.
posted by upland at 2:18 PM on September 22, 2009

Just ask her out already.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 2:48 PM on September 22, 2009

do it, then post the results. we so rarely get to know if relationshipfilter actually works
posted by Think_Long at 3:10 PM on September 22, 2009

Response by poster: Alright. I will post the outcome. I was so motivated by the comments that I was going to do it right now, but I'm not sure where her office is. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow.
posted by upland at 3:20 PM on September 22, 2009

dude, leave the freakin desk and do it. ask somebody who knows, catching her just before she leaves is the perfect time! GO
posted by Think_Long at 3:25 PM on September 22, 2009

I was so motivated by the comments that I was going to do it right now, but I'm not sure where her office is. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

NOW! Don't whimp out on us!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:55 PM on September 22, 2009

Response by poster: Too late. I looked around, but nobody left to ask here. I still have her phone number from when she texted me, but it's probably best to ask her in person. I thought I outgrew heart-pounding, sweaty-hands nervousness when it came to women.
posted by upland at 4:02 PM on September 22, 2009

Ask her out, directly... like, "hey do you want to get a drink this wednesday or thursday?" Based upon what you told us, it sounds like she was initially interested in you and then assumed that you weren't interested in her because you only tacked her along to group invites with your friends.
posted by emd3737 at 4:05 PM on September 22, 2009

Just ask her out already.

dude, leave the freakin desk and do it.

NOW!

Yikes, how about if we let him live his life at his own pace?
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:07 PM on September 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

In all honesty, I wasn't actually trying to imply that upland should get up from his desk and rush her. I meant that he should stop fretting and ask her out when he got the chance, y'know. The worst that could happen is that she says no, upland. Even that is not so bad.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 6:19 PM on September 22, 2009

Response by poster: I really appreciate all this advice. Let me explain myself, though. The risk if it doesn't work out is that it creates a slightly awkward situation because I will continue to see this person occasionally at work. I thought it would be better to get to know her, more than from a five minute conversation, before I ask her out so we could figure out if we hit it off. By acting like a friend, however, if she's already expressed interest, I risk her thinking I have no interest. I thought it was obvious that I was into her, I mean, she's intelligent, successful, fun, down to earth, sweet, apparently sane, and also hot. That's a stunning combination that makes it hard not to think "don't screw this up," at which point you proceed to screw it up then search the internet looking for answers. Obviously, I overanalyze things, but I thought I had this situation under control. Thanks to metafilter I see clearly, and I will stop "fretting"(thanks Skylit), and just ask already.
posted by upland at 9:27 PM on September 22, 2009

I think a lot of relationship questions would not exist if people were clear when asking someone on a date. In my opinion, it should mention that it's a date, the activity, and the date and time. "Would you like to go on a date, to Activity, at Date? I can pick you up at Time." That way, you know if she's interested. And she doesn't come here to ask if it was a date or just-friends, and are you interested.

Good luck tomorrow! (I think she's interested in you.)
posted by Houstonian at 2:29 AM on September 23, 2009

The risk if it doesn't work out is that it creates a slightly awkward situation because I will continue to see this person occasionally at work.

I confessed my crush on a guy at work, someone two cubes away that I had to speak to every single day in order to do my job. This was not just me asking him out on a date, this was "I've been attracted to you for months." He didn't feel the same about me, and it was awkward for a week or so. Then, because we're both adults, we got over it. Don't let this stop you.
posted by desjardins at 7:53 AM on September 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

I understand all the advice that everyone has given so far. I will disagree only because they are typical advice girls will tell other guys, no offense but it's so "Deal Abby...". It hasn't worked for centuries and it will not work here. What I'm going to say is purely a man's advice. Please take this to heart, it might be the most important thing anyone might tell you.

Rule #1 be a man, rule #2 be a man....and the 3rd most important rule, you guessed it! BE A MAN!!!

What does this mean? This means you need to assume she likes you, dammit man, she's already given you a bazillion hints that she likes you. It's no longer necessary to be direct. Let me ask you something, if someone was beating you over the head with a bat, do you find it necessary to tell him/her "your beating me, so.......do you like me or not? I'm guessing you don't cause you beat me, but I'm not sure I just want to be direct and ask". Now once you assume she likes you, then you will act as a REAL MAN would and be confident about any interaction you might have with her.

As of right now, you have not taken real action with her signals, by not taking action when she clearly sends you what her desires, you are showing her you clearly do not have a clue about non verbal communications and therefore are not a worthy man. If she likes you, she will no longer like you.

If you asking her out such as "Do you want to go on date with me? I really like you" it totally deflates the beautiful flirtations you two are having. I don't think that's what she wants, she wants a little mystery, a bit of "chance encounters", she wants romance. Sure, find opportunities to invite her out, but if you say to her like desjardins said to her coworker, then the result will likely be the same. A man does not guess whether a woman likes him, he KNOWS women likes him. Because he is strong, confident, takes charge, protects, and provide for women.

Ok so what if she really doesn't like you you ask? (I have no idea why she wouldn't like you, your a confident, exciting, totally awesome, fun, caring, loving man....AREN'T YOU?) But for sake of discussion, if she doesn't like you then she'll display the same type of signals, except this time negative. She will not be as friendly, she may not answer your text, give you the cold shoulder, etc. If this is the case, you have 2 choices. 1. Put your tail between your legs, turn around and walk away like a defeated dog, or 2. Keep her on your wing and pursue her a bit here and there to show her your not easily deterred. A mark of a good man is one that does not give up on the first try, second try, or even the 1,000,000th try. I'm not saying be pushy or throw yourself on her, but show that your not put off, and that you know it may not the right timing for her, and you will try again when the timing is better. If you really like her as you say, and you want to be a man, then you will choose wisely.

It's a lot to chew on. But timeless lessons all men should know. Good luck with YOUR girl.
posted by TheChoice at 10:24 AM on September 23, 2009

Response by poster: So,

I took the advice of those who said to ask her out and asked her to go out for a drink tomorrow. Shewas like "ummm..." and said she had a friend staying with her in town today and tomorrow, but if she couldn't do it tonight or tomorrow, then definitely next week Wed. or Thurs. and gave me her phone #. I guess that's a yes. She didn't sound overly enthusiastic, but she was in the middle of doing something when I asked her and there were other people around. What do you guys think?
posted by upland at 1:44 PM on September 23, 2009

A man does not guess whether a woman likes him, he KNOWS women likes him. Because he is strong, confident, takes charge, protects, and provide for women.

Unfortunately, this often comes off as being an overbearing, controlling jerk who "knows" a woman's mind better than she does. Don't be like that.

Don't second-guess every single thing she says, her tone, etc. Sometimes "Oh jeez, I've got a friend in from out of town - next week's better for me" really does mean "Oh jeez, I've got a friend in from out of town - next week's better for me." If she was really giving you the brush-off, it's unlikely she would have given you her number - she would have done the noncommittal "Oh, gosh, some other time, okay?" without specifics. I agree that you have a yes.
posted by rtha at 2:40 PM on September 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Unfortunately, this often comes off as being an overbearing, controlling jerk who "knows" a woman's mind better than she does. Don't be like that.

Well let's not misunderstand being confident for being overbearing. I never said you should be a jerk and not a gentleman. I simply said that one should taking initiative and show that you are worthy of her and can show her a good time, in other words, woo her like you know you can. What woman wouldn't be flatter with that.
posted by TheChoice at 2:51 PM on September 23, 2009

It's the "takes charge, protects, provides" part that begins to veer into overbearing, in my experience. Confidence is good, but a little can go a long way into tipping you into jerk territory.
posted by rtha at 2:54 PM on September 23, 2009

I guess that's a yes.

that's absolutely a yes. this part's over, now go through all of the 'first date' askme's, and play it cool (meaning that you shouldn't tell her you were convinced by a bunch of smartasses on the internet to ask her out. or maybe you should, and if she is impressed, then maybe you should marry her. because if that's the case, then good god she is amazing).
posted by Think_Long at 3:58 PM on September 23, 2009

A girl who doesn't want to go on a date does not give you her phone number. Even in the absolute worst case scenario - she wants to say no but is too polite to be direct - she would not give you her phone number. Therefore, you have a yes.

(Also, TheChoice's comments are really squicky and offputting, so regardless of what he thinks women want, this actual woman does not want that.)
posted by desjardins at 4:09 PM on September 23, 2009

Response by poster: Hey guys,

I have enough sense not to mention this discussion on the date. I would have asked her out at some point, but a little encouragement didn't hurt. Some people on this board give better advice than you could buy from a dating expert.

Thanks
posted by upland at 4:38 PM on September 23, 2009