Agoraphobia
December 26, 2004 10:23 PM Subscribe
Has anyone ever had a significant other or loved one with agoraphobia? How did you come to understand their situation? How did you deal with it? Is there anything the one that isn't suffering from it in the relationship can do to make it easier? "It" could be either the relationship or the agoraphobia itself.
Helping your partner get appropriate therapy is definitely priority one; as mecran01 points out, agoraphobes can be greatly helped with cognitive therapy.
Try not to telegraph your frustrations to your partner (I'll assume it's a she, since most agoraphobes are female and it's hard to construct gender-free sentences). You're doing all the outside world work right now and have the perfect right to feel frustrated and put upon, but being visibly angry won't send her skipping off to the store any more than if she had some obvious physical impairment constricting her movements. This may seem obvious, but very hardest thing about dealing with an invisibly ill person is forcing your mind to accept the truth and reality of her illness.
Schedules help a great deal to keep a positive focus. Because she is home a lot, the temptation to live very loosely is great, but she should sleep on a regular schedule, get up at the same time each morning, dress, and fill her days with good routines. If she's still working from home, she should try to have a normal 9-to-5 workday. If not, she should do something productive besides housework, something based on her interests that will help her feel that she's still contributing something to the world. Charities are increasingly underfunded; she can volunteer for writing or making things for them from home. She should be reading newspapers and magazines, having visits, staying alive in the world as she much as she can while getting help to conquer the problem.
Do what you can to cultivate a support network. Does she have local friends or family, or a religious group she affiliates with? People she already likes should be called on to visit (because you don't want glum, dutiful people making a desultory sickroomish visit -- you want people to come over with funny movies and jokes and brightness). E-mail and phone calls are nice, but ill people need varied human contact as a step to connecting to the larger world again. Ideally, a trustworthy neighbor might agree to be available to her for those times when you need to be away. Because you absolutely must be away, not just out of obligation, but for your personal freedom and connection to outside interests. The other hardest thing I have found about being the primary caretaker of an ill, homebound person is having an ill, homebound life yourself by extension. The person I cared for was severely depressed and shunned the outdoors and human contact, and it was, well, depressing. It took a lot to ask for help, but trusting others to do provide it, and taking time for myself, was all that kept me from becoming terribly depressed too. You have to avoid trying to be a savior. It is much better to be a person, and accept normal human limitations on your patience, and a normal human desire for a happier life. Unless other people step up, that will be hard to do.
I sympathize with you and respect you for hanging in. If you ever lose it with her, don't beat yourself up; this is a daily struggle, and you'll have some days that are better than others; more better, if you take care of yourself and get help from other people. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by melissa may at 11:26 PM on December 26, 2004
Try not to telegraph your frustrations to your partner (I'll assume it's a she, since most agoraphobes are female and it's hard to construct gender-free sentences). You're doing all the outside world work right now and have the perfect right to feel frustrated and put upon, but being visibly angry won't send her skipping off to the store any more than if she had some obvious physical impairment constricting her movements. This may seem obvious, but very hardest thing about dealing with an invisibly ill person is forcing your mind to accept the truth and reality of her illness.
Schedules help a great deal to keep a positive focus. Because she is home a lot, the temptation to live very loosely is great, but she should sleep on a regular schedule, get up at the same time each morning, dress, and fill her days with good routines. If she's still working from home, she should try to have a normal 9-to-5 workday. If not, she should do something productive besides housework, something based on her interests that will help her feel that she's still contributing something to the world. Charities are increasingly underfunded; she can volunteer for writing or making things for them from home. She should be reading newspapers and magazines, having visits, staying alive in the world as she much as she can while getting help to conquer the problem.
Do what you can to cultivate a support network. Does she have local friends or family, or a religious group she affiliates with? People she already likes should be called on to visit (because you don't want glum, dutiful people making a desultory sickroomish visit -- you want people to come over with funny movies and jokes and brightness). E-mail and phone calls are nice, but ill people need varied human contact as a step to connecting to the larger world again. Ideally, a trustworthy neighbor might agree to be available to her for those times when you need to be away. Because you absolutely must be away, not just out of obligation, but for your personal freedom and connection to outside interests. The other hardest thing I have found about being the primary caretaker of an ill, homebound person is having an ill, homebound life yourself by extension. The person I cared for was severely depressed and shunned the outdoors and human contact, and it was, well, depressing. It took a lot to ask for help, but trusting others to do provide it, and taking time for myself, was all that kept me from becoming terribly depressed too. You have to avoid trying to be a savior. It is much better to be a person, and accept normal human limitations on your patience, and a normal human desire for a happier life. Unless other people step up, that will be hard to do.
I sympathize with you and respect you for hanging in. If you ever lose it with her, don't beat yourself up; this is a daily struggle, and you'll have some days that are better than others; more better, if you take care of yourself and get help from other people. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by melissa may at 11:26 PM on December 26, 2004
I had severe agoraphobia a few years ago, so bad that at one point I didn't leave my house, not even to go to the convenience store, for almost 8 months. The one thing I wish my boyfriend at the time would have done was just be more understanding. Mine started with a fear of restaurants and I could not express to him how terrifying it was to go to one. He would lay the guilt trip on me, I would end up going then passing out from a severe anxiety attack, then the very next week he would nag me into going again. It got to the point that I started to associate the anxiety attacks with HIM, then started having them when I was at home with him, then had them no matter who or where I was with which led to the full-blown agoraphobia.
It became such a big deal that when I did start to come out of it, I couldn't go out with him because he was constantly asking are you ok, do you feel an attack coming on, do you think we'll make it through dinner? etc. I felt more comfortable going out with friends who totally ignored my condition so that I didn't have to think about it. This caused even more problems because he couldn't figure out why I could go out with them but not him.
Eventually I got on some anti-anxiety medication which worked wonders but our relationship was already ruined because of all the guilt and resentment. Melissa May has some excellent advice, especially don't try to be the savior! This is something he/she has to deal with in their own head and it's much more important to be there for them than to try and fix them.
posted by Ugh at 11:34 PM on December 26, 2004
It became such a big deal that when I did start to come out of it, I couldn't go out with him because he was constantly asking are you ok, do you feel an attack coming on, do you think we'll make it through dinner? etc. I felt more comfortable going out with friends who totally ignored my condition so that I didn't have to think about it. This caused even more problems because he couldn't figure out why I could go out with them but not him.
Eventually I got on some anti-anxiety medication which worked wonders but our relationship was already ruined because of all the guilt and resentment. Melissa May has some excellent advice, especially don't try to be the savior! This is something he/she has to deal with in their own head and it's much more important to be there for them than to try and fix them.
posted by Ugh at 11:34 PM on December 26, 2004
I had agoraphobia about 14 years ago, give or take a year or so. I was able to go to the car and drive to work, then back, but I couldn't take my children to school or daycare. Forget the grocery store, church was out of the question.
Luckily my SO and I did NOT live together, so he was able to be supportive and do the tasks I was unable to do such as drop the boys off, pick them up, get groceries, etc and then go home to his version of sanity.
It took 5 or 6 months for me to 'come out of it' and no underlying reason was ever discovered for the attack. I still have brief moments of not wanting human contact but I manage to forestall it.
As the support person for someone who is suffering from this I second the suggestions above.
Treat them 'as usual' but don't try to force them into doing something they simply cannot do. Don't focus on the impossible [for them] and take it one day at a time.
posted by kamylyon at 6:53 AM on December 27, 2004
Luckily my SO and I did NOT live together, so he was able to be supportive and do the tasks I was unable to do such as drop the boys off, pick them up, get groceries, etc and then go home to his version of sanity.
It took 5 or 6 months for me to 'come out of it' and no underlying reason was ever discovered for the attack. I still have brief moments of not wanting human contact but I manage to forestall it.
As the support person for someone who is suffering from this I second the suggestions above.
Treat them 'as usual' but don't try to force them into doing something they simply cannot do. Don't focus on the impossible [for them] and take it one day at a time.
posted by kamylyon at 6:53 AM on December 27, 2004
a note from anonymous: anonymous is a girl. the agoraphobe is her boyfriend.
posted by Stynxno at 7:37 AM on December 27, 2004
posted by Stynxno at 7:37 AM on December 27, 2004
One piece of advice I can offer is to set limits. My Mother has had agoraphobia my entire life, and I am her "care taker" in a sense. You have to make sure that you don't take on too much or end up babying them instead of doing things to help them. There is a difference.
There are things that can help, but, for example in my Mother's case, we've been thru many of them without positive results. I always recommend the person with the phobia go to a counselor, and take the sig. other along with them. let them work through it and know solutions as a team, that way it's not so overwhelming for the patient.
I can offer tons of advice, my email should be in my profile.
posted by Nenna at 7:53 AM on December 27, 2004
There are things that can help, but, for example in my Mother's case, we've been thru many of them without positive results. I always recommend the person with the phobia go to a counselor, and take the sig. other along with them. let them work through it and know solutions as a team, that way it's not so overwhelming for the patient.
I can offer tons of advice, my email should be in my profile.
posted by Nenna at 7:53 AM on December 27, 2004
My sister had agoraphobia in late adolescence. I do not recall the therapy that succeeded but the suggestions at the top of the thread ring a vague bell. Essentially she was given visualization exercises and then controlled exposures to the acts that were generating the phobic reactions (e.g., leaving the house).
As I recall, these, in combination with moving away from home, which was apparently a source of the anxiety, cured her by the time she was about 18.
posted by mwhybark at 3:02 PM on December 27, 2004
As I recall, these, in combination with moving away from home, which was apparently a source of the anxiety, cured her by the time she was about 18.
posted by mwhybark at 3:02 PM on December 27, 2004
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mecran01 at 10:35 PM on December 26, 2004